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Flirting is really difficult for people who come from any type of trauma, so you are not alone. If you understand that flirting is about accessing your vulnerable, feminine side, then you know what energy to work with. Flirting is energy. Again, it’s less about what you say and mostly about how you say it. It’s can be anything from a giggle and being shy to confidently making eye contact with a guy across the room. I know you don’t want to seem stupid in front of a guy you are trying to impress, but maybe view it differently. The RIGHT kind of guy will be completely flattered and love that he can see you are a bit uncomfortable because he makes you react. Haven’t you seen it in the movies where someone tries to be flirty or sexy but instead it comes off as silly, awkward and ridiculous??? Most people find that endearing and funny. So even if you act silly or say something stupid, the RIGHT guy will actually find it cute and be attracted to you for it. If a guy finds it “stupid” and unattractive, I PROMISE YOU…he is a guy you want to stay away from anyways.
Flirting takes confidence. So the place I recommend you start developing your feminine confidence in smaller ways that bring you some attention. To start, how do you feel about how you look and your appearance? Do you get a lot of people looking at you? What would you rate yourself on a scale of 1-10? 10 being a knockout, 1 being unattractive. How do you dress? Do you dress plain? With color? Creative? in fashion? Don’t care? Do you like to dance? How do you feel about your body?
This is just a place to start. Also, I LOVE this woman. She is a powerful teacher who helps women connect more deeply to their feminine energy…which of course leads to flirting. https://www.michaelaboehm.com/
Heidi
Hi Marla,
Welcome to the forum! I can understand why you are confused and not sure what to do. It’s important for you to be VERY clear about what you want. He essentially wants to be friends with benefits. Is this something you want to participate in? It doesn’t sound like it, but you are also not sure if you want to let him go.
He admitted to something missing, so this is important to pay attention to. Whatever it is that is missing, it’s not about you specifically. Imagine that we all are a puzzle piece. We all have different shapes and sizes. When we come across another puzzle piece, sometimes it’s not a fit at all, sometimes it’s a partial fit, sometimes it’s an almost perfect fit and sometimes it is a perfect fit. It’s not about the “other” puzzle piece entirely. It’s about the fit together, so his feeling like something is missing is about your puzzle piece shape and size, but also about his shape and size. There’s nothing to blame or change, it’s just what is. As we grow and learn, our puzzle piece shape will change and shift, so at this moment in time, he is not feeling like you are a perfect fit. He is not feeling the potential like you are. So for now, I would suggest letting him go and moving on. If you feel like you are not ready for that, then your option is to participate in his design and become a booty call. Sometimes a deeper connection can get ignited from that design, but most often, men won’t respond in that way.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Great questions! Yes, your need to be more competitive and tough would partly come from your history. It’s also just your natural coping mechanism. I have the exact same response. That will never change about us and it’s a GREAT quality! So what is important to do instead is to develop the female side so your energy comes more into balance. This woman has been really helpful for me and thousands of other women as well. Here is her website: https://www.michaelaboehm.com/ Her book is fantastic! She offers a handful of ideas at the end about how to handle emotions when they come up. Her specialty is tantra and her specific lineage of tantra is about “the full experience of life through the body.” It’s such a powerful way to connect with feminine energy, by getting into the body more. If you don’t resonate with her, let me know!
Feel free to message him anytime. You can always say, “Listen…I know there wasn’t much chemistry going on at our date, but I did enjoy the friendship side of things. I had fun connecting with you, so if you ever are bored and want to go grab a drink or grab some lunch, I’d be interested!”
Yes, your comment about relationships was VERY mental. I have realistic expectations of a relationship and that I understood that there might be challenges between me and my partner but I was willing to work through them. This is a great comment, pure male energy, so all you have to do is add the female energy to balance out the statement. So you could say something like “I feel like I have pretty realistic expectations for a relationship. I know that with romance, love and friendship, also comes the challenge of 2 worlds colliding which means conflict is inevitable. I am passionate and love very deeply which means I am also committed to working through challenges that show up. Besides, some of the best sex ever is makeup sex, right?? ;)” What do you think about this statement?
Heidi
Hi Kimberly,
I get the pain you are dealing with. Disconnecting from a strong connection is one of the hardest things to do. It hurts!!! It’s why most people will stay connected, despite their needs getting met. It’s a tough choice. You either stay and deal with the hurt of not getting your needs met or you leave and deal with the hurt that comes with disconnection. The only advantage to the latter choice, is that there is an ending to the hurt and pain. Time will help the heart heal. The first choice is a neverending pit of pain that gets built up over and over and over again…with no end in site. So as difficult and as painful as this is for you, there will be an ending to this pain because you are choosing more for yourself. The gifts that will come out of this for you are many and now that you have finally chosen to love yourself more than the connection with him, the gifts will start to reveal themselves. I’m really proud of you. I know how hard this is for you AND you are a resilient woman. The strength it takes to disconnect is also the same strength that will bring to you a man who NEEDS that kind of strength and will be able to offer that in return for you.
It’s going to be uncomfortable at work probably for a period of time. It’s okay. It will most likely be awkward, but the more you become comfortable with it, the faster it will become easier to interact only at work. I suggest journaling, yelling, crying, coloring, dancing ALL of your feelings. Whenever you feel something…DO something with that feeling. It creates movement instead of letting it get stuck in the same place, which slows down the process of healing.
I’m glad you are still out there dating. Just have fun and make it a good time to learn about yourself. Instead of looking for the whole package right now, just let yourself heal, enjoy the attention, learn about who you are and what works and doesn’t work with each guy you meet. That’s how I used dating. I discovered my judgments, insecurities, strengths, weaknesses, yucky patterns, powerful patterns. I dated all shapes, sizes and cultures in efforts to discover who I was in front of many different types of guys. Dating is such a great way to get to know yourself!
Heidi
Great! It sounds like you have a good grasp on the power you are feeling. Understanding how men operate is a pretty big game changer, isn’t it? Learning how to talk with them, understanding their general perspectives and needs in life and learning how to flow with them is so important. I was lucky in that I grew up with 2 brothers and 4 boys that lived a few houses down from me. Constantly being surrounded by male energy gave me insights about them starting from a very young age. Because of that, I always ended up with more male friends than female friends. Being around men, talking with them, understanding them has been effortless for me and because of that, dating was always easy for me. I’m so glad you found this course so you can understand them on a deeper level and which will make your dating life so much easier. You are already seeing how this new information can really shift the dynamics between you and them.
You didn’t respond at all about what I said about the divorced guy. How did what I say feel for you? I know you don’t want to let him go and truth is, you don’t have to. You can keep chasing him if you want to. You get to design your life however you want to. I’m just curious about what you feel you want to do about him. Let him go or try and stay connected?
Heidi
Whoaaaaa! Vino!!!! I’m soooo glad to hear from you!!! It sounds like a lot has opened up for you and you are feeling a brand new level of joy! What do you think has brought you to this place. If I remember correctly, you started working with a coach.
JB has been such an interesting experience for you. Is it just a friendship? I know you have more romantic feelings towards him, but I’m curious if he has ever expressed anything more than friendship towards you. Either way, he is adding some great energy into your life. Feeling safe with someone is soooooo important and I know that is something you have never felt before. It opens up a whole new world doesn’t it? I just have a GIANT smile on my face. Reading about everything you are learning, what JB is bringing into your life and how happy you are, makes me so happy!
How is your son doing? Is he stable? Is your relationship with him getting any better? And your daughter? How is the job hunt going for you? Have you settled into any ideas of what direction you want to head in for your next job?
Kanya is no longer here 🙁 I miss her! She was a great coach. So it’s me and Spyce now. She is super fun and brings a different vibe to the forum compared to me or Kanya so it’s a good thing! I will encourage her to get to know you if you decide to keep posting.
It’s so good to hear from you and it’s wonderful to hear how happy you are! You deserve to feel this and so much more!
Heidi
All of that is some great information! Thank you! Your English is fantastic by the way. I do understand everything you are saying!
Let’s talk about this a bit: I don’t necessarlily need to explore with a lot of people, if I have the right person I can exlore and make experiences with them. EVERY person you date is the right person. There is no such thing as “the one” as most people like to say. There is only “the one” for that moment. Most people will love a handful of times in their life.
I know that you are saying you want to fall in love and have those experiences with that person. I also want to say though, that every single person that steps into your life, will bring out different sides to you. Each person is a mirror and reflects back to you, who you are. So it’s actually not true that you can make experiences with your person so there really is no need to explore with other people. Exploring is sooooo important for development. In my 20s I went on dates with guys from different cultures, different shapes and sizes and various lifestyles. What those experiences taught me and showed me about myself were things that a boyfriend or a deep love could not have shown me. I discovered my judgments, I learned how to deal with various backgrounds and most importantly learned different ways to communicate, I learned where I was sensitive and fragile, I learned where I was strong, I learned how to set boundaries and the list goes on and on. I know it feels good to settle into just 1 person and grow roots with them. I know it feels good to love deeply. I know a deeper love experience also has valuable lessons however, you can love deeply at any time in your life. You will NEVER get your 20s back. I always like to suggest for people to date a lot and explore who they are during this decade. Try on different jobs, different apartments, try on different guys, different lifestyles, different fashions…your 20s are the time to do that!
In regards to the flirting, it sounds like you guys established a really good friendship, but there really wasn’t much sexual “electricity” between you guys. That’s okay though. Friendship is a key component to solid foundation and sexual electricity can always be added to the equation. Now would be a good time to start flirting consciously. It’s a VERY powerful form of communication and helps the man to view you and want you as more than just a friend. I’m curious…if you are comfortable sharing, how was the sex together? Passionate? Exciting? Romantic? Playful? Did you try different positions? Did you guys switch roles as to who was dominating or leading? Who would initiate most of the time? What would happen after sex? How long would you guys have sex for? How frequent? You don’t have to exactly answer each question. I’m looking for a general picture of what your sex life together was like. I’m asking this because if there wasn’t much flirting outside the bedroom, I wonder what happened inside. I wonder if there was just not enough sexual tension and flirting going on. He is attracted to your friend and she is leaking sexual energy and you are not. Most guys at his age would absolutely respond to that energy. It’s a very important component.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh! and you can always ask him about his experience of you. I’ve done that before and it’s been helpful for me. I suggest saying something like “Hey, so you made this comment to me and it really got me thinking. I really think that I have no clue how I’m coming across. I feel like I am being soft and connective, but maybe I’m not. Would you be willing to give me some feedback about how I come across and talk to me more about what you meant about me needing more heart?”
How does that feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Myo!
Soooo good to hear from you! Like always, you are asking some great questions.
It’s so funny that this guy said you need more “heart!” Heart is about FEELING where mind is about THINKING. Yes, your personality definitely tends towards thinking and always will, so it’s not something you want to change. It’s more about bringing your interactions in dating more into balance. It’s about knowing when to be soft, connective, flirty and divinely feminine vs. when to be your strong, masculine, in control energy. It’s male energy (thinking – mind) and female energy (feeling – heart).
My guess is, considering your upbringing, you tend towards allowing the male side of yourself take over. You are very logical, structured, organized in your thinking, purposeful and deliberate. All of those things are really good things. It’s linear and allows you to create a level of predictability and control in the situation. Female energy is more circular, unpredictable, flowy and soft. I know you may feel like you are being some of those things, but my guess is, it’s not a big enough energy in your life to override your coping strategies, therefore the men will feel your masculine side more than anything.
It’s not really a switch to flip on an off at first. Eventually, you will be able to do that, but only AFTER you have full access to both your male and female sides and are suuuuper comfortable with both sides of yourself. There has been a lot of wounding to your female energy, so if you want to develop that side more, it’s about doing healing work, forgiving, releasing, getting to know this side, honoring this side etc. Once you become more in relationship with this side of yourself, your divine feminine energy will ALWAYS be there in the background of everything you do. Men will FEEL that energy from you without you even having to try. Right now, it’s a pretty shut down side of yourself, so like this last guy said, you need more heart. Is this making more sense? Is it helpful?
Heidi
Oh wow! You bought a new camera!!! That’s sooooo fun! Something for you to keep you engaged and entertained as you learn how to use it.
Dean does not sound so exciting for you. I’m glad you finally have clarity about him not really matching you. Interesting about Jay. I wonder why he has disappeared. Did you end up contacting that dating service yet?
I bet your son likes the mask because it allows him to hide. That’s sooooo awful to be bullied. He is lucky to have a mother like you who can love and support him no matter what. I can see why it’s hard for you though having to watch him struggle in the ways that he has. He has a tough road ahead as he enters into the world and figures out how to navigate it.
Be safe!!!
Heidi
Hi Kimberly,
I would say that the cold hard truth of your situation is this: your guy JUST got out of a relationship. At this point, any woman would be a rebound for him (Not to say that rebounds can’t last – but the odds are against it). He NEEDS time to process this loss, deal with his new identity and life, work out the new relationship he will have with his ex-wife and kids and how to separate from her completely. That takes a lot of time and there are many, many layers for him to sift through. He is not emotionally available right now…at least not in the FULL sense. He obviously cared about you and was attracted to you, but that’s very different than being available to offer a committed, deeper experience to someone. Being that you are looking for something of that nature, this guy cannot offer that to you, so I suggest you let him go. Who knows though…maybe a year or 2 down the road, your paths will cross in this particular way again and he will be ready.
I love that you had a really wonderful conversation with this new guy. Let’s talk about “power” for a second. It was amazing and I did feel like I had the power. This is something to be a bit cautious about. I’m not quite sure how you meant it, so I thought I’d bring it up, as it’s a common topic people can get really confused about. A healthy power is “empowerment.” Meaning, you hold the power WITHIN yourself. There is no need to have “the power” in a situation or “power over” anyone else. The moment you start to seek to have “the power” and “control” in a situation, that’s the ego coming in and it WILL sabotage connection at some point. I will admit though, it feels pretty spectacular to have “the power” in a situation. I’ve felt it many times and used to play around with that energy. Now when I feel that, I know better and I start to look at what is really happening for me. A healthy perspective is not having “the power” in a situation but instead feeling balanced, in control, centered and grounded in who you are, regardless of who or what the person in front of you is doing. That’s empowerment. That’s YOU keeping connected to yourself and speaking your truth, being authentic as well as not being attached or controlling of the situation. Does this make sense?
Tell us more about this new guy. What do you like about him? What are the next steps?
Heidi
Hi Franziska!
Thank you for sharing more info. It was really helpful for you to explain further and everything makes a lot more sense. You sound very grounded and clear about what you want.
I’ll tell ya…the 20s can be quite difficult. It’s a pretty crucial decade of development that has a pretty big impact on the rest of your life. It’s the decade where you figure out who you are in this world for the very first time. It’s your first apartment, first bills to pay, first “career”…..soooo many firsts. It’s also pretty common to start to think about marriage. Women’s bodies physically begin to prepare for childbirth (around 27ish) and men start thinking about how they can provide for a family. So falling in love and finding “the one” becomes part of the path in the 20s. All of these things are influencing you guys in such subtle ways, that you won’t even know it. I say all of this because it may be part of what is influencing Tim. I’m wondering if he is wanting to “explore” and weigh out all of his options before he decides to really commit to anything. He is entering into acceptable “marriage” territory and sometimes, people (both men and women) will want to try everything on before settling down for the rest of their lives. Again, this is typically not a conscious decision they make, it’s just a natural drive they have.
I’m curious….did you guys flirt a lot? Did you consciously dress, act, say things to catch his attention sometimes? Are you comfortable in your sexuality? Are you comfortable flirting? I’m just asking this because I’m wondering what’s drawing his attention to Anna. Since she is out and about and hooking up with different guys, her sexual energy is going to be leaking out into the world and maybe that is what is catching his attention. She is also unavailable, which could also be contributing because he gets to chase her…something very natural and important to men. He may not feel like he has to work very hard for you because you already had an agreement of FWB.
The disadvantage with FWB is neither person really takes the experience seriously. Meaning, there isn’t much chasing, there isn’t much investment and it can easily scramble things up in the mind/heart (mostly for women). Did you know that women will release dopamine (a bonding hormone) into their bodies for the first 7 years they are having sex with a man? It starts over with each man they end up with, but it’s part of nature’s way to bond a couple. What that means is, women tend to get more easily attached in a FWB situation compared to men, partly because of the hormones being released in their bodies during sex. It’s always a tricky thing to enter into FWB for women as feeling more often than not, will develop. That being said, it’s time to shift his perspective of you. What do you think he thinks about you? Did he ever say things like telling you you’re hot or sexy or beautiful? Did he ever give you compliments? What does he like about you? It sounds like you guys also had a pretty good friendship developing. Would you say he felt really safe with you?
In regards to his experience with his ex, that definitely will influence how he moves forward in life. We ALL do it and it’s a bummer. In reality, he is bringing his past into the present and letting his fear control his actions and his heart. That’s the baggage he will bring into any experience, so I have no doubt his fear is playing a part in this whole thing. He may really feel more afraid than anything to get involved with you because he may have felt your ability to get more serious with him. He may not even be aware of this (most people are not that self-aware).
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Taliya,
How are you doing? How are you feeling about your situation now? Any new updates or things you have learned? We would love to stay connected and offer guidance or even just be listening ears for you as you navigate your situation.
Heidi
Hi Kimberly,
What’s going on? Any new updates? How are you feeling about everything we have shared? Are you able to process some of it? We would love to hear your thoughts on everything.
Heidi
