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Oh wow! You bought a new camera!!! That’s sooooo fun! Something for you to keep you engaged and entertained as you learn how to use it.
Dean does not sound so exciting for you. I’m glad you finally have clarity about him not really matching you. Interesting about Jay. I wonder why he has disappeared. Did you end up contacting that dating service yet?
I bet your son likes the mask because it allows him to hide. That’s sooooo awful to be bullied. He is lucky to have a mother like you who can love and support him no matter what. I can see why it’s hard for you though having to watch him struggle in the ways that he has. He has a tough road ahead as he enters into the world and figures out how to navigate it.
Be safe!!!
Heidi
Hi Kimberly,
I would say that the cold hard truth of your situation is this: your guy JUST got out of a relationship. At this point, any woman would be a rebound for him (Not to say that rebounds can’t last – but the odds are against it). He NEEDS time to process this loss, deal with his new identity and life, work out the new relationship he will have with his ex-wife and kids and how to separate from her completely. That takes a lot of time and there are many, many layers for him to sift through. He is not emotionally available right now…at least not in the FULL sense. He obviously cared about you and was attracted to you, but that’s very different than being available to offer a committed, deeper experience to someone. Being that you are looking for something of that nature, this guy cannot offer that to you, so I suggest you let him go. Who knows though…maybe a year or 2 down the road, your paths will cross in this particular way again and he will be ready.
I love that you had a really wonderful conversation with this new guy. Let’s talk about “power” for a second. It was amazing and I did feel like I had the power. This is something to be a bit cautious about. I’m not quite sure how you meant it, so I thought I’d bring it up, as it’s a common topic people can get really confused about. A healthy power is “empowerment.” Meaning, you hold the power WITHIN yourself. There is no need to have “the power” in a situation or “power over” anyone else. The moment you start to seek to have “the power” and “control” in a situation, that’s the ego coming in and it WILL sabotage connection at some point. I will admit though, it feels pretty spectacular to have “the power” in a situation. I’ve felt it many times and used to play around with that energy. Now when I feel that, I know better and I start to look at what is really happening for me. A healthy perspective is not having “the power” in a situation but instead feeling balanced, in control, centered and grounded in who you are, regardless of who or what the person in front of you is doing. That’s empowerment. That’s YOU keeping connected to yourself and speaking your truth, being authentic as well as not being attached or controlling of the situation. Does this make sense?
Tell us more about this new guy. What do you like about him? What are the next steps?
Heidi
Hi Franziska!
Thank you for sharing more info. It was really helpful for you to explain further and everything makes a lot more sense. You sound very grounded and clear about what you want.
I’ll tell ya…the 20s can be quite difficult. It’s a pretty crucial decade of development that has a pretty big impact on the rest of your life. It’s the decade where you figure out who you are in this world for the very first time. It’s your first apartment, first bills to pay, first “career”…..soooo many firsts. It’s also pretty common to start to think about marriage. Women’s bodies physically begin to prepare for childbirth (around 27ish) and men start thinking about how they can provide for a family. So falling in love and finding “the one” becomes part of the path in the 20s. All of these things are influencing you guys in such subtle ways, that you won’t even know it. I say all of this because it may be part of what is influencing Tim. I’m wondering if he is wanting to “explore” and weigh out all of his options before he decides to really commit to anything. He is entering into acceptable “marriage” territory and sometimes, people (both men and women) will want to try everything on before settling down for the rest of their lives. Again, this is typically not a conscious decision they make, it’s just a natural drive they have.
I’m curious….did you guys flirt a lot? Did you consciously dress, act, say things to catch his attention sometimes? Are you comfortable in your sexuality? Are you comfortable flirting? I’m just asking this because I’m wondering what’s drawing his attention to Anna. Since she is out and about and hooking up with different guys, her sexual energy is going to be leaking out into the world and maybe that is what is catching his attention. She is also unavailable, which could also be contributing because he gets to chase her…something very natural and important to men. He may not feel like he has to work very hard for you because you already had an agreement of FWB.
The disadvantage with FWB is neither person really takes the experience seriously. Meaning, there isn’t much chasing, there isn’t much investment and it can easily scramble things up in the mind/heart (mostly for women). Did you know that women will release dopamine (a bonding hormone) into their bodies for the first 7 years they are having sex with a man? It starts over with each man they end up with, but it’s part of nature’s way to bond a couple. What that means is, women tend to get more easily attached in a FWB situation compared to men, partly because of the hormones being released in their bodies during sex. It’s always a tricky thing to enter into FWB for women as feeling more often than not, will develop. That being said, it’s time to shift his perspective of you. What do you think he thinks about you? Did he ever say things like telling you you’re hot or sexy or beautiful? Did he ever give you compliments? What does he like about you? It sounds like you guys also had a pretty good friendship developing. Would you say he felt really safe with you?
In regards to his experience with his ex, that definitely will influence how he moves forward in life. We ALL do it and it’s a bummer. In reality, he is bringing his past into the present and letting his fear control his actions and his heart. That’s the baggage he will bring into any experience, so I have no doubt his fear is playing a part in this whole thing. He may really feel more afraid than anything to get involved with you because he may have felt your ability to get more serious with him. He may not even be aware of this (most people are not that self-aware).
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Taliya,
How are you doing? How are you feeling about your situation now? Any new updates or things you have learned? We would love to stay connected and offer guidance or even just be listening ears for you as you navigate your situation.
Heidi
Hi Kimberly,
What’s going on? Any new updates? How are you feeling about everything we have shared? Are you able to process some of it? We would love to hear your thoughts on everything.
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
I just thought I’d check in and see how you are doing. Any new developments? Any thoughts or feelings you would like to share? We would love to hear back from you and get an update about your situation.
Heidi
Oh my!!! I felt the panic as I was reading it and then followed peace and serenity. To go from one extreme to the other in just half the day is so interesting!!! To have all of that adrenaline only to get home and land on the water and connect with nature and calm your system…well Rhonda…I would say that’s perfection! And then to end on such a beautiful night under the stars with a fire and a few people just sounds delightful. Soooo glad it all turned out okay, despite how it all started. Whew!!!
Lol! I can’t believe he didn’t take off his mask! Did he do that on purpose or was he just not thinking about it? He finally made it!!! Your boy has now graduated from college. Such a monumental moment!!!! Now he gets to officially start the journey of adulthood and take everything he has learned out into the world. Let’s see what he does with it!
Good luck with Dean today. I’m sure he will be very happy to get to hang out with you today 🙂
Heidi
What’s stopping you from initiating a meetup with Jay? If he doesn’t want to meet up, I imagine it would be a good time to disconnect and no longer talk.I’m curious to see how you feel around Dean when you meet up.
Your fire in the park sounds wonderful!!! It will be really wonderful to hang out with a friend of yours and get out of work mode. A fire outside is ALWAYS so calming and cozy. Hopefully the weather will stay beautiful for you! I’m glad you have at least 2 free days to go play and fill up that beautiful heart of yours. I know you are currently driving, so hopefully it’s peaceful and easy!
Heidi
Hi Jennifer! Thank you for sharing more details! There’s a lot to unpack here, so hopefully how I break it down for you, will help you make sense of it.
I sometimes feel I should walk away, but to where? Walking away is not based on having somewhere else to go. It’s about you exiting a situation and choosing YOURSELF over connection. So you say to where? The answer is to yourself. When you are choosing to stay connected to a guy that doesn’t feel like a good experience, then the reason you are staying connected is sourced from woundedness…which it sounds like you have a lot of! Being that you have grown up with a ton of rejection, it’s not unusual to choose someone who is rejecting and then trying to do and be everything he needs so you can gain his acceptance…something you desperately want to feel. It’s a very common pattern and a pattern I used to do a lot of as well, so I get where you are coming from!
I still can’t picture being with anyone else and I really feel like he wants me around but is so scared he doesn’t know how to deal with it. Just because you can’t picture being with anyone else, doesn’t mean it’s not possible or that a better situation doesn’t exist. It just means you can’t see it or connect to it. That’s what makes breakups and separations so scary for most people. It’s stepping into the unknown. It takes great strength to choose that path and trust that something else / someone else is going to enter into the picture again at some point. I’ve dated for over 20 years and have worked with 100s of ladies. Something always shows up at some point to give us a new experience.
I plan to play it a lot more cool with him, meaning not constantly following him and basically begging for interaction. I have been learning about how his mind works and letting him come to me so I want to try that and see what happens. How exhausting!!! All you are doing is thinking about him and HIS needs and catering to whatever design HE wants. Where do YOU exist in this equation? Self-love is about existing WITH someone. Allowing YOUR needs to be heard, listened to and validated is an important aspect of self-love and if the person across from you is not interested in any of those things, then you are with someone who doesn’t have the capacity to love you or care for you the way you deserve.
He seems to be aware of his emotions surrounding his ex-girlfriend. He has told me things and been tearful. As far as doing anything to deal with those emotions- not in a constructive manner. He is very much a man’s man with the ego and bravado that go with that. He’s not the type to “work on his baggage”, but in his own way he is working on trusting me. He questions me about things that concern him in an effort to believe me. When he got hurt from his ex, he decided to go take a pill and not work on his feelings. Because of that choice, he is now making YOU deal with all his fears. He is making YOU work to gain trust. This is a guy that is not choosing forgiveness. He would rather take a pill to feel better than to forgive and release what happened. A guy who handles hurt and fear this way, is NOT a good partner to go through life with. He buries things, but then YOU pay the price for it. Are you sure you want to stick around for that?
I always tell people, when they are choosing someone to love and let into the innermost sacred part of their hearts, they need to choose someone based on their worst qualities, not their best qualities. Meaning…you want to see how they treat you in their worst moments. You want to see how they handle stress. You want to see how they treat themselves when things get really hard. You need to feel respected and cared about, even in his worst moments. Anything short of that, you are looking at a TON of hurt and challenge, regardless of how wonderful things are when it’s good. It’s the MOST IMPORTANT aspect to pay attention to. You already know he doesn’t want to face things, look at himself and deal with his hurt. So what kind of partner is that going to make him when things get hard between you guys? Just something to consider.
One last thing about trust. It’s NOT YOUR JOB to heal his hurt and lack of trust issues. It’s HIS JOB!!! You CANNOT heal him. You can give him all the amazing experiences in the world and it’s not going to change that he still hurts because he has never faced it. Trust is NOT about the other person. Trust needs to live inside of us. Meaning…when a person puts their trust in someone else, it’s giving away their power to the other person. Instead, imagine keeping trust inside of yourself. That kind of mindset and connection to yourself is what makes someone resilient AND be able to risk. The truth is, people lie. You WILL lie to him, he WILL lie to you. You WILL hurt him and he WILL hurt you. So now what? Does trust just keep getting broken over and over again?? Instead, keep trust within yourself first and foremost. So this is how I view it: “I TRUST myself that no matter what this person decides to do, I will be okay. I TRUST that I am resilient, resourceful and I can heal. I TRUST that I can handle every situation and move on.” THAT is empowered thinking. That is someone who keeps the power within, the connection within, the strength within, the self love and the knowing of who they are. Does this make sense?
I want to be content in my life to where a relationship is a bonus not a life preserver. I was single 6 years and thought I’d healed myself. I didn’t, I just hid from everything. Now I want to improve. Hopefully to attact him back, but more so for myself so I can be content if he never wants me again. I have developed some hobbies and interests, working on making friends and trying to improve my negative self-image. I’m sooooo so sorry for whatever you had to survive in your life. I’m so proud of you though, for finally fighting for yourself. Whoever harmed you took your power away, but NOW…you are empowered and can CHOOSE to no longer let those experiences ruin your life and keep you limited. It’s a lot of work, but it’s worth it! There is a lot of healing that needs to take place for you, but better that path than staying stuck in your past and living imprisoned by fear. Check out this website and person. I really like her!! She has helped a TON of women improve their self-love. https://www.michaelaboehm.com/
I gave you a lot to think about! Hopefully it wasn’t too much.
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
There is A LOT to unpack here. Let me just start by saying that I too grew up with an incredible amount of trauma. I am in my 40s now and have spent many years working and sifting through all of it, so there is a lot to share about love and how trauma affects it.
I just am really just wondering if there is even anyone out there who actually would want me for who I am. And stay loyal. Yes! The thing is, YOU have believe that and set your standard to that FIRST. When we are carrying trauma energy, that skews our view of every single thing we interact with. Because of the traumas, you are having trouble seeing good in most people and only really seeing the dark. There’s been a lot of trauma in my life, and so I’ve kind of lost a lot of faith in the world and just kind of believe everyone is evil because it’s very rare that I see any kindness. This is your viewpoint and “story” you have about people BECAUSE of the trauma, not because it’s actually true. The truth is, ALL of us are good and evil, right and wrong, dark and light…even you. The difference between people is where they live most of the time. It’s important for you to connect to the stories you are creating about your life. With trauma, it’s VERY easy to have stories that keep you in a victim mentality. It’s easy to have stories where you can’t trust anyone and you are not safe. I know these stories VERY well and sometimes they still come up. The thing is, part of healing is shifting those stories and connecting more to the truth, so you can have a more clear perspective about what is actually happening.
For example, your feelings for him could actually be coming from what is called “trauma love or trauma bonding.” It feels EXACTLY like real feelings, so it’s incredibly hard to decipher. I have enough experience to know that some of what you are saying about how you feel about him, has a trauma energy to it. For example, you are saying he is the only one you feel safe with, he has come to your rescue many times, he is always there for you to talk to etc. This is all about him “doing” things for you that would make you feel safe, in contrast to the traumas you have had to endure. Whenever someone has had a lot of trauma, it’s not uncommon to bond STRONGLY to a kind, supportive person. The thing is, trauma love/bonding is not a clear connection, because if there were no trauma and you were treated well ALL THE TIME, your feelings for him would not be the same. You feel like most people are evil so with that mindset, it MAGNIFIES how good he is. I’m not saying he isn’t a great guy and that your feelings are not real. I’m just saying that regardless of how great he is, it doesn’t mean he is a good match for you. You guys kind of have this specific design where he is YOUR support and he is rescuing you and providing you emotional safety in your life. What do you do for him? How do you support him? What are his needs?
I understand your discomfort with flirting. It’s not unusual when you grow up with trauma and still carry a lot of that energy. Trauma can easily cause a person to shut down and tighten up and flirting is the opposite energy of that. Flirting is less about WHAT you say and more about HOW you say it. It’s important though…for both men and women. It’s playful, it’s bonding, it can activate lots of those feel good hormones in the body and it activates sexual desire. In it’s purest form, it’s a very healthy way to connect. When you have the general story that most people are evil though, flirting would not be something you are comfortable with. It’s just not something you are ready for however, it IS something that is important for attracting a man. It would be easy for him to view you more like a sister, since there is no flirting. Your sexual energy is shut down.
Have you ever received therapy for whatever it is you went through? It will change EVERYTHING in your life. Once you begin to release and forgive, you will attract a very different kind of guy and you will create a very different kind of life.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there!
Welcome to the forum! Wow… you have quite an interesting story. Thanks for adding in fake names. It makes it much easier to understand.
I’m curious. How long did you and Tim date before he ended that for Anna? To be honest, this guy sounds quite fickle. Do you know anything about his relationship past? Has he ever been in love? How old are you guys?
I’m glad you are not saying anything to Tim about what Anna is doing. This is THEIR experience now which means they will figure out how to navigate everything that shows up for them. Being that Tim doesn’t want anything serious anyway, Anna has full freedom to do and be whatever she wants. It sounds like that is their agreement and Tim is not interested in a relationship either.
You said that Tim admitted to it needing to take awhile before he can like someone. That sounds like a BIG caution flag. Someone like that usually has A LOT of walls up and they don’t feel very safe being vulnerable, therefore they will always need to be in control and will always be holding back. Also, the fact that he spent all of that time with you and then so quickly bailed for another girl, just validates that he is not very emotionally available. He may seem like he is connecting deeper and getting more attached, but as you are now experiencing, it wasn’t true. It sounds like he can be very present in the moment and enjoy you at that time and want more of you, but it wasn’t a connection that ran too deep for him.
I also question your feelings. You “realized” that you had deeper feelings for him when you learned from Anna that Tim was interested in her. It is not an unusual thing for a guy to become more attractive when he is less available. You all of a sudden felt the threat of losing him because of Anna and that triggered a response in you. However, I’m not so sure it’s a clear response. Meaning, it’s very possible the feelings you feel right now are just because he is stepping away and not because you actually really want to be with him. It’s the concept of “we want more of what we can’t have.” The thing is, it takes a bit of time to sift through it all. I know it feels like you want him, but I’m not sure you want him for clean, healthy reasons. There is something called trauma bonding. People will bond through their woundedness, but it feels EXACTLY like a regular, healthy connection. It’s super tough to decipher, but it you pay attention to the very small signals in yourself and give it time, you will be able to decipher if your feelings are true or if they are coming from a wounded place. My guess is, considering WHEN you realized you had deeper feelings for him, is that your reaction to this situation is more coming from a place of woundedness. It’s just an education guess though. I would like to encourage you to possibly explore this idea. Do you have a tendency or pattern to like guys who are unavailable? Did you grow up with parents who were critical, absent or not very available for you?
Are you sure you want to pursue a guy who dropped you in a hot second just because your friend became single again? You weren’t really invested and were just FWB until that moment anyway. You said you weren’t looking for anything serious, yet everything you did with him would say otherwise. So what do you REALLY want? Are you wanting to fall in love? Are you ready for a more serious experience in your life (not necessarily with him, but with someone)?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there,
Those are some great questions. Here are some different ways to word them that may help him feel more comfortable to answer. Each question can be part of just 1 conversation, but you also may find that just by asking a “gateway” question, it ends up answering all of your other questions. You want to know what his vision is of his future? You want to ask him in a way that makes him feel like you DON’T have an agenda, so a safe question to start with would be something like, “What kinds of things do you have on your bucket list?” That gets him talking about his future. Talk about your bucket list for a little bit and then you can lead him into talking about other parts of his future. You can ask “Where do you see yourself and your business in 5 years or 10 years? or What is your ultimate goal in your career?” talk about that for a bit and then you can lead into asking his thoughts on his relationship future. You can say something like, “Do you ever really see yourself settling down with just 1 person and being madly in love and growing old together with someone?” His response to this question will tell you a lot…if he answers this one. I would just start with these types of questions either in 1 conversation or over several different conversations. If he asks why you are asking these questions, you can say “I’ve been thinking a lot about my future for someone. I’ve been thinking about what I want to create and I realized I didn’t know much about you and your thoughts on your future, so I thought I’d just ask and learn about you.”
How does this line of questioning feel for you?
You want to know how you can add meaning to his life, but that’s more of a question a woman would understand, not so much a man. So ask it this way instead “What can I do to be a better partner for you?” If he thinks about it and doesn’t really have an answer, then you can say “Okay then, what am I doing now that you WANT me to keep doing? What am I doing that works well for you? Is there anything that I do that doesn’t work well for you?” This is always a good conversation to have every once in a while. I tell couples to get all dressed up and go out somewhere beautiful or somewhere they love and have this conversation. It’s not always the most comfortable to talk about what is working and what isn’t working however, it’s part of cleaning out the “pipes” of a relationship and working on dealing with buildup that can happen over time.
As far as talking about fears, I suggest you open the conversation with talking about a fear of your own. You can say something like, “You know, I’m realizing one of my fears is that I will end up dying alone. I think that is one of the worst things that can happen. To leave this life and not have anyone at your side, would make my life feel like it was worthless and pointless. What is a fear that you have?”
These approaches are more indirect type of approaches if that’s your style. If you want to be more direct, then there is nothing wrong with just asking him straight up whatever you want to know. It’s all about being able to read the situation and the personality of you 2 as a couple.
Thoughts?
Heidi
What is his major? Where is he graduating from?
It is really interesting how each country is handling covid. Some are super restrictive and others are super loose. I know here, certain states are completely open and mask free! I guess it just depends on the personality of the government running each place and what they feel is best. This whole thing has definitely activated A LOT of fear and caused a lot of separation in people because of differing opinions. It’s sad really.
So it sounds like when you go him you will get to meet up with Dean and Jay and hopefully contact the matching service. I imagine you are planning some amazing hikes or kayaking as well. Hopefully, it will be really good weather for you. What other fun things do you have planned at home? I’m sure Jay will come around and you’ll get to meet him in person for the first time. I’m curious to see what happens.
Heidi
Hey there,
I’m so glad you get to go home! And you get to go camping!!! Yayayay! That’s wonderful and I hope you have a really good time!
I’d be surprised if Jay doesn’t end up meeting up with you. He is so connective with you! I guess you will have your answer soon enough. What about Dean?
I would absolutely call the matchmaking service. I’ve sent out soooo many emails over the past months that have gone unanswered. It’s weird! I don’t know if it’s a Covid kind of thing or not, but I’m having to pursue answers more often than not these days. I’m excited for you!!!
Wow…it’s about that time. Your son is graduating!!!! That’s such a big deal! I have no doubt they all will make the very best of it!
Heidi
Being held like that is so powerful isn’t it? It’s not that he is “doing” anything special or specific to make you feel that way. You just happen to be responding to his energy and his touch. There is a safety you feel that sounds like you have never felt before.
I love that you get to feel that AND it’s super important to stay grounded in reality. We hear all the time “I’ve never felt this before” and women will put a TON of value in that. The thing is, when women do that, it skews their perspective. Meaning…if you felt this way other times as well, with other guys from your past, this guy would not be such a novel experience for you. Because it’s a “first” it’s causing you to get all tangled up with a guy who is not very available for you. He is freshly divorced…so essentially you are bargaining away other needs because you feel something special when he holds you. I do understand why this feels soooooo special to you, especially considering your last relationship. It’s just not the WHOLE picture. It seems like you are taking a very small piece of the puzzle and turning it into the whole picture at the exclusion of everything else. You want him at the expense of getting your needs met…you asked about how to portray being more confident? Well…you don’t give up your needs. A confident, empowered woman, who is very attractive to men, does not negotiate away her core needs. She ultimately chooses herself over connection with a man. A man can feel and sense when a woman is giving her power away and when she is staying empowered. When a guy feels like he could lose her (because she sticks to her standards) he will tend to behave a bit better whereas if he feels like she is hooked and “can’t get away” he will lose respect for her and start to push her away.
Going back to what Spyce said, it’s important that you connect to yourself and KNOW that whether he is in your life or not, you are okay. When you say ” Honestly I feel like he’s the one that mesmerized me and I can’t break away from it” that is NOT an empowered statement and he will feel that energy from you. You CAN break away. You CAN do whatever you need and want. You CAN empower yourself to have whatever you want. There IS a guy out there who can make you feel all sorts of things and he is the WHOLE package, not just a partial experience. Just something to think about.
Thoughts?
Heidi
