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Hi Tara,
I wanted to pop in and offer some guidance as well. I know you’ve been communicating with Spyce, so I hope this is okay!
I too and of like mind about approaching life with a more spiritual connection. I do Akashic Readings and have always LOVED tarot, mediumship etc. The “spritual” world/approach is something I’m very familiar with and appreciate 🙂
It’s so interesting about both of your definitions of the twin flame. I have a 3rd definition! lol As I understand it, it’s 1 soul that decided to split into 2, hence “twin” energy. I listened to a podcast recently where a woman who specializes in twin flame energy and she said that more often than not, they don’t incarnate together at the same time. One will stay in the spirit world while the other incarnates. When they do incarnate together and cross paths, they can be any gender. Twin flame energy DOES NOT mean romance. It can be 2 best friends, it can be romance, it can be a long relationship or one very short lived. Like Spyce said, the experiences with a twin flame are intense and it’s not unusual for there to be a TON of intense and challenging energy. The purpose of a twin flame experience is to give each person an opportunity to come back to “wholeness.” Of course, that can mean many, many different things and it’s a very individual experience and doesn’t necessarily mean you stay in relationship with that person. I have been trying to rack my brain where I listened to that podcast so I could share it with you. I THINK this is the girl…I did a search and her qualifications and website feel familiar. Here is her website: https://www.michellefondinauthor.com/
Let’s talk about this comment:
I follow signs and synchronicities, in fact I ask for them. I always have and when I do so with the intention of doing things for my highest and greatest good, and for the good of all, I’m usually steered in the right direction. I understand this way of living, deeply. I do want to encourage you to increase your grounded way of living as well. Signs and synchronicities can mean MANY different things and like Spyce has commented, it seems you are taking these “signs” and making it mean something specific, when the truth is, it could mean many different things. I’m not saying at all that signs and syncronicities are not something to follow, but I tend to view more as a piece of the puzzle instead of the whole puzzle. You have been looking for your “divine right” person to come into your life and Brian showed up and you feel the call was answered because of the timing of everything. This could very well be true and it could also not be true and it could mean anything in between those 2 extremes. You say that following signs and synchronicities have generally lead you in the “right” direction, but what is “right” anyways? In the deeper, more expanded viewpoint, nothing is ever really right or wrong…it’s just a path with things to learn on it…some easier (which we tend to call right) and some harder (which we tend to call wrong).
The only reason I am mentioning all of this is that it seems you are holding on tight to this guy because you believe he is your twin flame and you have a story around what that means. You believe he came after you asked the universe for your divine right partner, so he must be “the one.” Again, I’m NOT saying to disregard any of that because it could all be true. I just want to encourage you to ALSO bring into the mix the reality of what is happening. The reality is, he is not available for you right now. The reality is, despite the connection you have together, he is not willing to explore that fully and completely with you. The reality is, you have this very powerful energy coursing through your veins and it’s because of him. It DOES NOT mean you are meant to fully express and experience that energy with him. He has activated something within you and now it’s your job to work with that energy and not necessarily tie that to him. I too know what you are going through. I have been activated by a guy before, on that very intense level, but he was not available to step into that energy at the time. So I was left with this intense energy that was INCREDIBLY powerful. I had to sit with it, get to know it, learn who I was with this energy inside of me and allow for the possibility of other purposes for this energy other than experiencing it with this man. I gotta tell ya…it was tough. I was activated on sooooo many levels. Everything in me wanted to fight for this guy and unleash what we both felt. It still came down to reality though…he wasn’t available…at least not at that time. The same is true for your guy. This connection you feel is powerful, but the his actions are showing you he is NOT at a level to do anything with it. He is quite dysfunctional, yet you are turning into the “perfect guy” for you. In reality, does your perfect guy hop from woman to woman? Does your perfect guy walk away from that kind of powerful connection with you? Does your perfect guy choose to have an affair with a married woman while still keeping you on a string??
Do you understand what I’m getting at? You want to fight for a guy who is not willing to fight for himself. Regardless of the connection you both have, that does not make for a high vibe, healthy, long lasting relationship. It’s a recipe for a breakup down the road. He DOES NOT have the qualities, at least at this time (he obviously can change), to offer you what you want. So maybe the connection you feel with him is meant for a different purpose. Maybe he activated these feelings in you to bring the energy into your field which will attract someone else. Maybe the energy is meant to light a much needed fire in your life to help you take action in a different area. Maybe the connection came into your life so you could learn more about this particular energy in and of itself. I don’t know. That’s for you to explore. What I DO know is that this guy is pretty dysfunctional and is NOT living in his integrity. Are you sure you want to step into that? Because the connection you feel together IS NOT enough to create a healthy, nourishing, powerful love. Who he is choosing to be right now, would create quite the opposite for you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
OMG….totally going down the youtube rabbit hole. hahaha! Here’s another video you might find helpful 🙂
You are incredibly strong to be able to receive what we are saying and align with it. Many many ladies would rather stay connected and in the pain it causes than to the face the pain of a breakup. It sounds like you are really ready to shift how you treat yourself and how you live your life. Well done! We are here for you, so feel free to vent, yell, cry or whatever with us. We’ve been through it all and heard it all and we will be here to guide you through. You are not alone in this!
Heidi
Man, it’s tough what you are dealing with. To sit and watch your friend not appreciate the one guy that catches your attention…whew! That’s hard! Of course you are comparing yourself when it comes to Tim. Of course you would get frustrated that she’s not treating him the way he deserves. It sounds like she is just not that into him. Maybe she is hoping he will grow on her.
Sometimes, going after what you can’t have is the hook. I’m wondering if that is part of why Tim stick around her. She is unattainable for him, at least for right now. Guys LOVE LOVE LOVE to chase, especially at his age. And I’m sure he feels he has to chase her. I imagine he feels you are an easy catch for him and maybe that’s why he not interested anymore. He already had the FWB with you, so his mindset what not about chasing you at all, because you agreed to be a FWB kind of partner…which basically sets it up for the guy to not really emotionally attach.
So I’m wondering if you switch it around a bit, what would happen. Bring on the sexy and flirty, become less available (maybe go on some dates and let him know about it), but not so much so that he becomes disinterested. You still want to be yourself…you just want to activate a little more sassiness. Does this make sense? A woman who KNOWS she’s the shit, has sass. I remember reading an article about what caught Matthew McConaughey’s attention about his now wife. He said something to the effect of, when she walked by, you could feel the self respect she carried. He could feel her confidence. He could feel her badassness. Does this make sense what I’m getting at? Even after all of this, he just still may not feel for you what you want. I wish there were a magic formula, but sometimes, the feelings just are not there.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Laura,
Wow! You really are going through a lot. I’m sooooo so sorry! It is soooo incredibly difficult to let go of love. Here is a great video that will give you more insight into what you are facing within yourself and why it’s so hard to let go. Hope this helps.
Now let’s talk about your questions:
do I allow him to be friends like he wants and needs? Like Spyce was saying, this question is all about him. You cannot rescue him. His pain and the absence of you in his life is sooooo important for his growth. Pain is an INCREDIBLE motivator for growth. If you truly want him to grow, then he needs to feel every ounce of pain and discomfort possible. If you truly want to grow, it’s time for you to start putting yourself in the equation and asking “What is important for ME?” “What do I need and want?” “What are the best decisions I can make that are loving towards myself?” Now you answer your own question. Do you allow him to be friends with you?
How do I shut him off without feeling guilty if he hurts his self? You go to therapy. You are not responsible for his happiness. If he hurts himself, it’s not because of you. It’s because he has built up sooooo much baggage and doesn’t want to deal with it, that it would take him down that path. If he is THAT depressed, he needs to go see a psychiatrist and get on some meds. NO ONE can save him except for himself. If he decides to hurt himself or commit suicide, as cold as this sounds, that’s on HIM. You CANNOT live your life FOR HIM. You cannot stay connected to a guy who won’t fight for himself. So if he does decide to hurt himself, then you get yourself to a therapist and work through the feelings that show up about it and release the guilt.
Do I tell his boss, her husband, or confront her with the information (only reason I toy with this is because he is in public service so I hold those in high regard—this behavior goes against both of their oaths and as someone who was in this field, I feel obligated to call it out). My personal opinion is stay out of it. Others might tell you differently. This is between him and her. Besides, if you say something and he loses his job, it could cause him to sink into a deeper depression and who knows what else. There could also be consequences for you telling as well, that you are not even aware of. I personally like to stay out of messes like this and trust that all will be revealed as it’s supposed to be. It may go against their oath, but who you are to point this out? You are not in a position of authority nor a position to make any changes about it. You most likely will come across more as a tattle tale and a disgruntled ex girlfriend than anything. That’s just my thought on it though. What I personally like to do before making decisions like this, is make sure I clear ALL my judgment, my hurt, my anger etc. Once I forgive the people for their choices, release ALL the negative energy, THEN I am emotionally and spiritually clear enough to decide what I need to do. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more of your story! This is so difficult isn’t it? I know how completely frustrating it can be to have a connection and not be able to do anything about it. The core, root emotion you are dealing with, is powerlessness. Powerlessness, in my opinion, is one of the most difficult emotions to feel. It drives people to do things, more often than not, that are not healthy and are destructive, because people are just trying to gain control again and stop the pain. I want to encourage you to take this time and get to know the feeling of powerlessness. It won’t be the last time you feel this and a person who can be in relationship with it, learn how to be okay with it and sit with it and mostly not run from it, is a person who will actually be very powerful in their life. Since you are on a bit of a break and doing no contact, now is the perfect time to deal with this. Letting go of him, letting go of the idea of him and instead attaching yourself to the idea of “I ask for the highest good of all concerned,” – this can shift everything. I’ve watched it happen over and over and over again. When people can accept the powerlessness, they let go of their needs, their wants and the control of a situation to turn how a specific way and they become free! And funny enough, the energies of a situation shift, sometimes taking people in different directions, but many times bringing them back together.
What is most important for you to understand, is yourself. What is he triggering in you? What low self-esteem is he activating in you? What does this powerlessness make you think and feel? These are the “holes” in your psyche. These are what I call the fault lines…the places where we all have cracks in our belief systems and where ALL the lies live. Love is one of the most powerful experiences to show us where our fault lines are. It sucks and feels awful AND it’s an opportunity to get to know ourselves and work with the emotions that come up. You were taught to be selfless and now you get to tap into self-love and what that means for you. This experience is giving you an opportunity to learn this aspect of your life, something you have never known before.
Does this make sense? Thoughts?
Lastly, can you explain further what this means? his “quirk” comes from a learning disability and that’s honestly the main reason I’m having diffuculty in the situation. What about his “quirk” is making you want to hold on?
Heidi
I think that Tim may need to just experience Anna and get her out of his system. Do you know how Anna feels about him? Does she know you still like him? Out of curiosity, on a scale of 1-10, how much do you want to be with him and create a relationship with him?
I know this may be an uncomfortable question, but do you masturbate at all? There are so many women who don’t know themselves that way. I ask this because it is a very important part of feminine energy and flirting. Women who masturbate are so much more comfortable with their bodies, their sexual energy and will have a kind of confidence that is very attractive to men….AND many studies support improved sexual experiences with a partner. That seems kind of obvious, but somehow the majority of women just are not adventurous on their own. So again, I want to take you back to yourself. This flirty, sexual energy, that seems to be a bit shut down for you, is something you want to explore within yourself. If you really take this path and develop this part of yourself, you will be SHOCKED at how much more attention you will get from men. The goal is obviously not to get attention, it’s just a side benefit to the real purpose of awakening and knowing ALL aspects of yourself. I’m not sure this is a journey you want to take though.
How are you and Anna doing, in your mind? I imagine you might be comparing yourself to her a lot and I imagine you have some feelings about her messing around and not really taking Tim seriously. Do you feel frustrated or angry about that all? Like it’s not fair? Or maybe thinking here she has this great guy and she doesn’t even know it or truly appreciate him?
Heidi
Flirting with text or snapchat can look various ways. Your goal is to just make him feel good about himself with a little bit of spice. Flirting has sexual/sensual energy to it. So you can say something as simple as “You look so dam hot in that shirt” or “I was thinking about you today and when you did ……. and it made me have the butterflies.” The thing about flirting though, is you have to have the kind of relationship that supports it otherwise, it just becomes awkward. You obviously cannot just send him messages like this because you have never done that before and your FWB is over, so it would just be too weird. You need to build it up first. Since you guys have a plan to go hiking soon, it’s an opportunity to get his attention. Wear something that makes you feel good about yourself, do your hair in a way that makes you feel attractive (since you are going hiking, you obviously don’t want to get all dolled up with curls and stuff, but a cute messy bun or something of that nature that is appropriate for the activity works!), wear a shirt that compliments your skin tone and eyes and put on your girly energy. It would be a good time to throw in some flirting to see how he responds. Since you guys still talk, I imagine it’s strictly platonic, yes? You guys are just activating friend energy and nothing more, correct?
It sounds like Anna has his attention for some reason and again, I’m wondering if he really likes her because he senses her sexual energy. I say that because it doesn’t sound like he knows her very well other than sensing her energy and what she could be like. Is that accurate?
As far as Dave, if you want to meet up, go for it! Why would it be awkward? Tim is going for your friend, so why not give yourself the freedom to get to know his friend? If you feel inspired, then great, if you don’t, that’s okay too. Do whatever you want and don’t let Tim stand in the way of any of that. You might find that you like Dave…who knows.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Megan,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing your story with us. I deeply understand your need to want to be wanted. It’s a core need for women and it’s being triggered in you.
Let’s talk about men first. What the most important thing to understand about men, is their CORE NEED is to be able to “produce” in this world. If a man’s ability to produce in this world is threatened, not solid or doesn’t exist, a man will fall apart. I have experienced this sooooo many times and it is fascinating! Every guy I have ever dated who didn’t have their job lined up, who didn’t feel good about their job or who was lost as to the kind of job they wanted, they were a mess! They were HORRIBLE at relationship. Men don’t know who they are if they are not able to produce in this world. Even stay at home dads will find “projects” they need to complete in order to produce something. Taking care of the kids is just not enough for them. So it’s VERY IMPORTANT…it’s CRUCIAL for your guy’s business to go well and he will ALWAYS have a very high need to care for his business more than you.
The core needs of women are “relationships / connection.” If we don’t have connection/relationship, then we fall apart. We don’t know who we are, we are lost, we are miserable and we get messy. Women are the natural caretakers of relationship. That’s why is much easier for a woman to feel comfortable at home, caring for her children and being in relationship with all the other moms and teachers etc. and the dad works. It fundamentally meets the natural core needs of each.
So your need to connect is rubbing up against his need to produce. Is his need more important than your own or vice versa? Nope. They BOTH are super important and they BOTH need attention.
Here is my main question. Is it normal for him to work this much? Or is this just a season he is going through? If he is a workaholic, then that’s a different beast to deal with compared to him needing to work this much because it’s just necessary right now. What are your thoughts on this? How long have you guys been dating? Do you live together?
Heidi
Hi Christian,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing your story and your challenges with us here. You are dealing with something so incredibly difficult. May I ask your ages?I’m going to be very blunt and honest here with my perspective. It doesn’t mean you have to agree or follow what I say. I just ask that we keep talking about it, as there are MANY MANY layers and dynamics to what is happening between you guys.
He IS stringing you along. Anyone who keeps saying “I still have feelings for you” without the intention of following through with it, is playing a game. What’s the point of saying that unless you mean it and want to do something about it? The point would be to get a dose of self-esteem. Him knowing that he still has power in your life and him knowing that you are still there carrying a flame for him, makes him feel valuable, important, cared about and that he matters…to someone. He is using you to get a “shot” of self-esteem so he can feel good about himself. Now, what’s important to understand, is he probably doesn’t really understand the full dynamics of what he is doing. My guess is, he is like most people who are just trying to do what they can to feel better, so they just follow their feelings without really understanding the consequences or how they are affecting the other person. This kind of behavior comes from very deep woundedness and A LOT of low self-esteem. I know this type of behavior because I used to do it all of the time. I had a TON of baggage and I would use the guys I dated as a way to survive and a way to find some kind of self-esteem to help me feel good about who I was. The thing is, it works. That’s why people do it. It works at the expense of the other person though and it’s the kind of self-esteem that NEVER lasts, because once the source is taken away, you have to go find another one and then another one and then another one. It’s a miserable kind of existence and makes that person VERY fragile emotionally. I changed my behavior once I started doing VERY deep therapy and finally facing the baggage I was carrying around. Now I am my own source of self-esteem, which is the ultimate goal.
Your side of this, is you are participating in this design. You are participating partly because you too are wanting doses of self-esteem from him. An emotionally healthy person does not allow someone to play games with their heart. An emotionally healthy person walks away once the other person begins to mistreat and disrespect their heart. An emotionally healthy person loves and chooses themselves more than the unhealthy connection. You get your dose of self-esteem in a different than he does though. Your dose of self-esteem comes from “saving” him. If you get to be “that” person who saves him from his misery, then you get to feel valuable and like you matter. It’s called the “winning formula.” We all have one. It’s the formula we use in relationships to help us feel like we matter, feel like we are valuable, feel like we have something to offer. For me, my formula is being a teacher. I am ALWAYS teaching others about their emotional, their deeper selves etc. so I can feel like I have value in their life. You are trying to “save” him from his misery so you can feel like you are valuable. He is creating drama and keeping you hooked so he knows he matters in your life. There are million different formulas we all use and it’s okay! The important thing is, is to become aware of them, when the formula is functioning for good in your life and when it is causing harm. You obviously have a HUGE HUGE heart. You care and connect very deeply and that is an amazing gift that you have. I say gift, because not everybody has the capacity to care the way you do. It also means that you can get attached and hurt very easily. So it needs to be the #1 job of yours to protect your gift. Care for your heart as if it were a rare, precious treasure that needs constant care, nourishment and attention in order to stay healthy. That means being cautious of who you let into your life, that means giving your heart healthy places to be it’s expansive, powerful self (i.e. doing charity work for a cause you are passionate about), that means knowing when to walk away, that means doing DAILY ACTIONS to keep your heart healthy (i.e. put flowers around your house, journal your feelings, see a therapist, treat yourself like gold emotionally, spiritually, physically whatever that means for you, get a dog or cat so your heart has a safe place to fully and completely love the way it’s designed to). Does this make sense?
Let’s just start here with these concepts and see how you feel about all of it. Looking forward to your response.
Heidi
This is good stuff! Thank you for sharing the conversation and sharing more of yourself. I love how strong you are and your ability to be vulnerable. I want to suggest you watch the movie “Embrace.” https://youtu.be/LDAyBsUqlYA It’s a powerful movie and one to watch MANY times as a reminder of the truth!!!
I think one of the places to start for you is getting more comfortable with yourself and dealing with your social anxiety. Here is the main question I have. What are you willing to do to step into your full self? Are you willing to work with a therapist or coach? Your past is hindering your present and will ALWAYS hinder your future. The fear you carry is paralyzing and it’s up to you to face it or not. So what do you want? It may or may not bring you closer to Carson. Who knows. Either way, the fear you carry stops you from fully and completely living your life.
That’s an interesting conversation you had with Carson. It’s good you didn’t push it. The truth is, he is not open to being with you RIGHT NOW. Again, he KNOWS that being with you is NOT a light decision. It means marriage. He knows that if he gives himself to you, you are never going to let go so if he goes that route, he better be ready to go the long haul. It feels nice for him to know that you are always there though. He gets to feel loved and valued by someone and that’s always a good self-esteem booster, so of course he doesn’t mind you saying that you still like him. He has to make sure he has his head screwed on right before stepping into anything with you. In the meantime, your job is to become the best version of yourself possible. You have soooo attached onto this guy that in a lot of ways, you have stopped living and growing your life. I don’t expect you to stop feeling for him. What I am more encouraging you to do is to focus on yourself and really start working on your fears and the traumas that keep you stuck. When you focus on yourself and your healing a whole new world will open for you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jasmine,
Welcome! I am sooooo so sorry for what you are going through. I can see why you would just want to fix everything and rewind your choice.
The thing is…I’m not sure that what you did was so horrible. What you actually need to pay more attention to, is HOW he is handling this challenge. Relationships mean that every couple is going to face challenges and discord. HOW they handle those challenges is what will make or break the relationship. He is choosing to stonewall you. A person who responds like that is someone who is actually NOT capable of a healthy relationship. Stonewalling BREAKS intimacy and trust. He is angry that YOU broke his trust, all the while he is breaking trust and safety in the relationship. So he is doing the EXACT thing that he is angry at you about. Yes, you broke trust by snooping, but he is ONLY looking at the snooping aspect and not willing to look at how he contributed, what his part in the whole situation is and how to resolve it. Instead, he just wants to put all the blame on you.
I teach people that when choosing a partner to go the distance with, you need to choose them according to who they are in the worst, not their best. Meaning, how do they respond under stress? How do they treat you, themselves and others when the shit hits the fan? And the same questions apply to you as well. How people treat each other in their very worst moments will make or break the relationship, regardless of how great things are when everything is on point. Your guys is showing you that is you disrepect him, hurt him or break his trust (this WILL NOT be the last time you hurt him), he is going to punish you by pulling away and putting walls up, he is not going to take responsibility for his side of things and he is going to just play the victim while he watches you do a HUGE song and dance to try and get him back. Is that really what you want to participate in?
The reality is, whatever was happening BEFORE you snooped, he wasn’t in this to begin with. He is connecting with his ex, he was saying no to spending time with you and he was putting little to no effort into nourishing this relationship with you. Yuk!!! Are you sure you want to keep fighting for that?? Are you sure you want to fight for a guy who didn’t make you feel like the most important person in his life? Are you sure you want to fight for a guy who would rather punish you instead of work through things WITH you?
Thoughts?
Heidi
You are asking some great questions!
The thing is, all your focus and attention and questions are about HIM. The questions need to be about you, in order to find the answers.
But how do I know I m his person or not? Instead, ask yourself Is this how I want to feel in a relationship? Is this a relationship that I feel really good about? Is this a relationship that if it NEVER CHANGED, I could be happy in for another 10-20 years? The thing about this relationship is he is being polyamorous and you are participating in that design. If that design does not suit you, then you know what your priority is. He gives you some amazing connection and support AND he also does the same for another woman. If you have a need to be the ONLY woman, then there’s your answer. He is NOT going to change and spending all of your energy trying to get him to change so you can feel happier in the relationship, is NOT accepting him for who he is and is completely rejecting and harmful to yourself. The question is not whether or not you are his person but instead, “Is loving him ALSO loving to myself?” Do you feel that staying in this design where your guy splits his attention is a design that is loving to you?
Again, you are in a polyamorous relationship. This is who he is, so you either hop on board with that, accept it, understand and get to know what that means and EMBRACE this design, or you leave. But to stay and keep wanting him to change is torture, is not accepting and loving to him or yourself and it’s damaging.
If you stay, it’s time for you to deal with the hurt IN YOURSELF and maybe join him on this journey and design and release your need to be the ONLY one. It won’t be easy, but it’s possible to be happy in a design like this. There are PLENTY of polyamorous couples who, when they do it right, are very happy together. If you don’t want to go this route, then you have to face the pain of the loss of him. Either path is going to be hard for you, so it’s not an easy decision.
Thoughts?
Heidi
