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Hi Erin,
I’m so sorry to hear this. It’s awful to be rejected like this. You didn’t do anything wrong and his choice to stop talking has NOTHING to do with you. It just sounds like he’s just not in that space to offer more. I know it hurts though. It feels like you were used. That’s why it’s always important to be VERY clear in the beginning about what you want. That way the guy will walk away BEFORE you open up to him sexually. It feels so much better that way. You may still feel rejected, but you won’t feel used, because you protected yourself from that.
How are you doing? How are you feeling?
Heidi
You are soooo welcome! You are one of the few smart people out there willing to reach out for help to gain a deeper understanding of your situation. Most people just take the path of figuring things out on their own and that usually just creates more chaos. I’m honored to get to be a source for you!
What exactely do you mean with setting the guy up to not really emotionally attach? What does set a guy up to emotionally attach then? A FWB situation pretty much means the guy gets to have sex without needing to invest any of his emotions. Men are so strongly sexually motivated and many will jump at the opportunity to get laid without needing to do all the extra “work” of a relationship. So FWB is setting the guy up to get laid without needing to emotionally attach. As long as the woman stays on the same page, it’s all good and works just fine.
Getting a guy to emotionally attach means that you REQUIRE him to invest and that you will accept nothing less than that from him. It means having standards as to how you are treated and accepting nothing less than that. Having a TON of experience, I will tell you that the RIGHT guy will respect that about you. A guy RESPECTS a woman who expects him to invest and doesn’t just open her legs so easily. A guy who doesn’t want to emotionally invest will step aside and go about his way when you don’t offer up your body without work and effort from him. I grew up with 4 boys down the street, 2 brothers and most of my life have always had more male friends compared to female friends. I heard EVERYTHING from men. I was one of those girls that was always accepted as “one of the boys” and they always spoke freely in front of me. That also meant I had several FWB experiences too. Guys, no matter what they say, don’t really “respect” a woman who is “easy.” And by that I mean a woman who has sex easily and then gets emotionally attached. The most successful FWB situations I had, which were a lot, I stayed emotionally distant and even before I hooked up with them, I still made them work a bit and wait. Even after hooking up, he would still have to work to keep my attention. I ALWAYS created a feeling like he had to work for it every single time he wanted to have sex. That means I would require dinner, I would require foreplay, I would require intelligent conversation. Anything less than that and I wouldn’t be interested. It’s how guys work. They NEED to work for it. The game changes as you get older, but the concept stays the same.
I know it sounds like a “game” and it is. It’s an important game though. Even when you get married, it’s important to keep the game going. Just because you are married does not mean either of you becomes lazy. You want to ALWAYS maintain the mindset that you need to work to keep him engaged and interested and so does he. He needs to ALWAYS be chasing you and you need to ALWAYS be doing things to inspire that from him. The game itself is healthy and beautiful, but like anything, the game can become very unhealthy. When I played that game, it was very unhealthy. I had so much low self-esteem and getting guys to chase me was my source of self-esteem. So now I use the same skills but not as a source for my value, but as a way to keep things fun and interesting.
Does this make sense???
Heidi
Hi Julie!
Wow! You are really going through a lot right now. I’m soooo so sorry you are having to deal with this.
Considering his pattern that he tends to just ghost and call it “working on himself” and then decides to sort of return when he feels like, it might be worth really looking at whether you are willing to deal with this pattern. Who knows why he does this and honestly, it doesn’t matter. It’s HOW he deals with stress in his life that matters. So when things get tough enough, he feels completely okay with bailing. What he is showing you, is that you CANNOT rely on him when things get difficult. What kind of father is he? Is he present and involved quite a bit or does he disappear from their lives as well? Either way, you know enough about him to know he is a runner. He also knows enough about you that he can run, but you will take him back, so there really are no real consequences to him running away and ghosting you. YOU are the one teaching him that it’s okay to treat you this way. So if you want things to change, then it’s about you deciding what your limits and boundaries are and then sticking to them.
So what do you want? If you know he is a runner and will disappear when the stress is high enough and that WILL NOT change, are you able to accept this?
Heidi
HI Victoria!!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE how much are participating with other people. This particular thread ended a few years ago, so the people are no longer active. You can just look at the dates above the names to see when they posted, just to make sure it’s current.
Heidi
Hi Brooke,
We are really glad you are here asking for some help. Your desires and needs are good ones and it’s time you start to fight for them.
First, my concern is that he is wanting to meet with you only Friday nights that are late. Are you POSITIVE he isn’t in a relationship already? So far, what he has communicated to you through his ACTIONS is that he is not interested in anything serious and I’m sure is looking for a FWB situation. Many guys will take that route if a woman is open to it. The fact that this guy says all those nice things about you, but doesn’t follow through with any of it in a meaningful way…that just says to me he is a player. Players know what to say and how to say it to get a woman’s attention and to also get her into bed. Women fall for it ALL THE TIME!!! And why wouldn’t we??? It feels amazing to hear how beautiful and sexy and smart we are. And it’s all true, but that’s about as deep as it will go.
Why would this guy say all of these things about you for 2 years and never ask you out? Don’t you find that strange? What made him finally ask you out now? And now that he finally had a “taste” of you, he becomes less available and connective and then wants to meet with you again Friday night after work…of which he is just looking to get laid again.
So here is the thing….being straight up about what you want is NOT pushing him into anything. It’s you setting a boundary and communicating what you are and are not willing to participate in. It’s simple. You just say “We’ve known each other for a few years and you’ve always given me the most amazing compliments. You were always making me feel really good about myself. I know we hooked up the other night, but I need to be honest and let you know that I’m not a FWB kind of girl anymore. I’m interested in having a deeper experience. I get the feeling that’s not what you are really looking for right now. So if you would like to start dating and take sex off the table for a bit while we really get to know each other, I”m game. If not, no hard feelings.”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Help . I always attract men who just want me for sex and for once , I want a guy who wants to date me and likes being around me THis is about YOU, not them. There are always going to be guys chasing you for what you have between your legs. This is about you finally deciding to align with what you really want and not settling for anything less than that. If you keep saying yes to the guys, they will keep showing up. When you start to say no, not interested, your energy will shift and will start to attract more guys that truly want to know you. I’ve been you are at right now and have gotten past that phase and it’s a completely different pool of guys that show up for me now. I have higher self esteem and more self respect and less fear about hurting their feelings. Because of that, I now REQUIRE respect and REQUIRE to be treated very well, otherwise they will get NONE of my energy. So those are the kind of guys that show up in my life. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Tea,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story with us. It’s a tough one for sure! You are a very smart woman to come here and get some guidance and ask for opinions. Good job!
It’s obvious you deeply care for each other and there is a strong connection. It’s also obvious from what you have shared, that is dealing with an incredible amount of regret, fear and guilt/shame. This is a tough one.
if he wanted to be with me and his feelings were genuine he would be with me. This is actually not a true statement. I have no doubt he DOES love you as deeply as he is able. The thing is, his fear and guilt and shame are BIGGER than his love for you. You are competing against those feelings he carries that are like a million pounds on his shoulders. I will tell you this now…when the baggage is THAT big, you will lose every single time. This has nothing to do with you. His journey is about facing those fears and story he tells himself about his situation. You are a gift for him because now he gets to feel and experience something completely different, which I have no doubt gives him strength. Regardless, I would not believe anything he says at this point about moving forward with you. His guilt/shame is still VERY big and until he deals with those feelings, forgives himself and releases the story he carries about being a bad person, there will be no room in his future for you. I wish love were enough. If it were, we wouldn’t have a 50% divorce rate. So, are you willing to shift what you need from him? Are you willing to take a step back?
Heidi
Hi Kimberly!
I wanted to check in with you. How are you doing? Are you able to hold strong in your choice? Maybe you have wavered and decided to put energy back into the connection again. That’s okay! We are here to help you through all of it, no matter your choice. We would love an update!
Heidi
Hi Victoria!
Welcome! We are really glad you are here!
Isn’t crazy how we do that??? Believe me, you are NOT alone. It’s actually a very common “toxic trait.” I love that you are able to recognize this about yourself.
I’m curious. What do you know and understand about this trait in you? Do you know why you do that? Do you know where it comes from? Are you able to recognize your thoughts and feelings as begin to friend zone the “perfect man?” Tell us more about it!
Heidi
I LOVE that you got Carl to respond! You totally knew the languaging that would inspire him to WANT to meet with you! Well done!!! And then you did the same thing with your boss! I’ll tell ya, you really are mastering the skills of communication. I know you wish you had this kind of success with your dating life, but I can’t think of a better way to practice and get some amazing feedback! You are making men move that normally would not move. This is EXACTLY what you would be doing with dating and being in relationship with someone. It’s all about finding ways to INSPIRE a man instead of push or force your agenda. I just have a HUUUUGE smile on my face for what you have done!!!
What a bummer about the dating agency. It definitely is NOT a good fit! There are others out there, so keep on looking.
Heidi
Hi Tara,
I wanted to pop in and offer some guidance as well. I know you’ve been communicating with Spyce, so I hope this is okay!
I too and of like mind about approaching life with a more spiritual connection. I do Akashic Readings and have always LOVED tarot, mediumship etc. The “spritual” world/approach is something I’m very familiar with and appreciate 🙂
It’s so interesting about both of your definitions of the twin flame. I have a 3rd definition! lol As I understand it, it’s 1 soul that decided to split into 2, hence “twin” energy. I listened to a podcast recently where a woman who specializes in twin flame energy and she said that more often than not, they don’t incarnate together at the same time. One will stay in the spirit world while the other incarnates. When they do incarnate together and cross paths, they can be any gender. Twin flame energy DOES NOT mean romance. It can be 2 best friends, it can be romance, it can be a long relationship or one very short lived. Like Spyce said, the experiences with a twin flame are intense and it’s not unusual for there to be a TON of intense and challenging energy. The purpose of a twin flame experience is to give each person an opportunity to come back to “wholeness.” Of course, that can mean many, many different things and it’s a very individual experience and doesn’t necessarily mean you stay in relationship with that person. I have been trying to rack my brain where I listened to that podcast so I could share it with you. I THINK this is the girl…I did a search and her qualifications and website feel familiar. Here is her website: https://www.michellefondinauthor.com/
Let’s talk about this comment:
I follow signs and synchronicities, in fact I ask for them. I always have and when I do so with the intention of doing things for my highest and greatest good, and for the good of all, I’m usually steered in the right direction. I understand this way of living, deeply. I do want to encourage you to increase your grounded way of living as well. Signs and synchronicities can mean MANY different things and like Spyce has commented, it seems you are taking these “signs” and making it mean something specific, when the truth is, it could mean many different things. I’m not saying at all that signs and syncronicities are not something to follow, but I tend to view more as a piece of the puzzle instead of the whole puzzle. You have been looking for your “divine right” person to come into your life and Brian showed up and you feel the call was answered because of the timing of everything. This could very well be true and it could also not be true and it could mean anything in between those 2 extremes. You say that following signs and synchronicities have generally lead you in the “right” direction, but what is “right” anyways? In the deeper, more expanded viewpoint, nothing is ever really right or wrong…it’s just a path with things to learn on it…some easier (which we tend to call right) and some harder (which we tend to call wrong).
The only reason I am mentioning all of this is that it seems you are holding on tight to this guy because you believe he is your twin flame and you have a story around what that means. You believe he came after you asked the universe for your divine right partner, so he must be “the one.” Again, I’m NOT saying to disregard any of that because it could all be true. I just want to encourage you to ALSO bring into the mix the reality of what is happening. The reality is, he is not available for you right now. The reality is, despite the connection you have together, he is not willing to explore that fully and completely with you. The reality is, you have this very powerful energy coursing through your veins and it’s because of him. It DOES NOT mean you are meant to fully express and experience that energy with him. He has activated something within you and now it’s your job to work with that energy and not necessarily tie that to him. I too know what you are going through. I have been activated by a guy before, on that very intense level, but he was not available to step into that energy at the time. So I was left with this intense energy that was INCREDIBLY powerful. I had to sit with it, get to know it, learn who I was with this energy inside of me and allow for the possibility of other purposes for this energy other than experiencing it with this man. I gotta tell ya…it was tough. I was activated on sooooo many levels. Everything in me wanted to fight for this guy and unleash what we both felt. It still came down to reality though…he wasn’t available…at least not at that time. The same is true for your guy. This connection you feel is powerful, but the his actions are showing you he is NOT at a level to do anything with it. He is quite dysfunctional, yet you are turning into the “perfect guy” for you. In reality, does your perfect guy hop from woman to woman? Does your perfect guy walk away from that kind of powerful connection with you? Does your perfect guy choose to have an affair with a married woman while still keeping you on a string??
Do you understand what I’m getting at? You want to fight for a guy who is not willing to fight for himself. Regardless of the connection you both have, that does not make for a high vibe, healthy, long lasting relationship. It’s a recipe for a breakup down the road. He DOES NOT have the qualities, at least at this time (he obviously can change), to offer you what you want. So maybe the connection you feel with him is meant for a different purpose. Maybe he activated these feelings in you to bring the energy into your field which will attract someone else. Maybe the energy is meant to light a much needed fire in your life to help you take action in a different area. Maybe the connection came into your life so you could learn more about this particular energy in and of itself. I don’t know. That’s for you to explore. What I DO know is that this guy is pretty dysfunctional and is NOT living in his integrity. Are you sure you want to step into that? Because the connection you feel together IS NOT enough to create a healthy, nourishing, powerful love. Who he is choosing to be right now, would create quite the opposite for you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
OMG….totally going down the youtube rabbit hole. hahaha! Here’s another video you might find helpful 🙂
You are incredibly strong to be able to receive what we are saying and align with it. Many many ladies would rather stay connected and in the pain it causes than to the face the pain of a breakup. It sounds like you are really ready to shift how you treat yourself and how you live your life. Well done! We are here for you, so feel free to vent, yell, cry or whatever with us. We’ve been through it all and heard it all and we will be here to guide you through. You are not alone in this!
Heidi
Man, it’s tough what you are dealing with. To sit and watch your friend not appreciate the one guy that catches your attention…whew! That’s hard! Of course you are comparing yourself when it comes to Tim. Of course you would get frustrated that she’s not treating him the way he deserves. It sounds like she is just not that into him. Maybe she is hoping he will grow on her.
Sometimes, going after what you can’t have is the hook. I’m wondering if that is part of why Tim stick around her. She is unattainable for him, at least for right now. Guys LOVE LOVE LOVE to chase, especially at his age. And I’m sure he feels he has to chase her. I imagine he feels you are an easy catch for him and maybe that’s why he not interested anymore. He already had the FWB with you, so his mindset what not about chasing you at all, because you agreed to be a FWB kind of partner…which basically sets it up for the guy to not really emotionally attach.
So I’m wondering if you switch it around a bit, what would happen. Bring on the sexy and flirty, become less available (maybe go on some dates and let him know about it), but not so much so that he becomes disinterested. You still want to be yourself…you just want to activate a little more sassiness. Does this make sense? A woman who KNOWS she’s the shit, has sass. I remember reading an article about what caught Matthew McConaughey’s attention about his now wife. He said something to the effect of, when she walked by, you could feel the self respect she carried. He could feel her confidence. He could feel her badassness. Does this make sense what I’m getting at? Even after all of this, he just still may not feel for you what you want. I wish there were a magic formula, but sometimes, the feelings just are not there.
Thoughts?
Heidi
