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Hi Danielle,
I just wanted to check in. Any thoughts about what I have shared? Any new updates? What’s happening? We would love to hear from you again!
Heidi
Hi Rosario,
It’s been awhile so I thought I would check-in and see how you are doing. How are you handling the breakup? Are you starting to feel a bit better now that time has passed? Any updates?
Heidi
Hi Julie,
It’s been a few weeks, so I wanted to check-in and see how things are going. What’s the status of your situation? How are you feeling?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
Wow! This is quite the update. A lot has really happened for you.
It’s a powerful thing to have someone validate how you felt, especially a sort of stranger who hardly knew your husband. You are getting the confirmation you didn’t know you needed, so you can release the guilt you have been carrying around. I bet your heart is sooooo happy!
And to have JB also validate the level of stress you are under is a beautiful thing. To feel seen and known by someone is so special. Again, I know how healing this was for your heart to have this kind of experience. It’s about time you start to feel ALL of these things!!!
How is your oldest??? Is she okay? It sounds like she is still really struggling and that Ethiopia didn’t quite do the trick. Does she still have her job? How is she getting help? What about you…how are you coping with this? This must be scary for you on some level. I know you are feeling a lot of joy and happiness in your life, which I LOVE, but I imagine you are also struggling some as well about your oldest being so unhappy and wanting to leave this earth. Thoughts?
I do think you could EASILY have your very own soap opera show! lol
Heidi
Wow! So this is some interesting news about Anna and Tim. Sounds like she cleared things up with him and he gets to deal with heartbreak now. Bummer for him, but good for you, right? I don’t think he knows, as I have told him otherwise when we spoke last about this Tell me what you said to him? What was the discussion about and who brought it up? Next time you want to be honest, but there are ways to do it so as not to put pressure on him etc. Remember, a guy needs a little encouragement to step into something.
Your vacay sounds like it was wonderful! I LOVE LOVE LOVE the mountains. I’m in Colorado, so I am surrounded by beauty. And a spa in the mountains with mom??? Spectacular! And festivals? You are kicking ass! I love that you are busy and social and making things happen in your life. It’s one of the things that really attracts a man. A man LOVES a woman who has a life and is busy and doesn’t wait around for him.
When are you going to see Tim again? Any set plans yet?Heidi
So you still have pretty strong feelings for him then. You might see him soon. Is he pretty hard to meet up with? Does he initiate hangouts with you or areH you the one making things happen? Do you think he knows how you feel about him?
It’s a great idea to color your hair just for a day to see how it feels. I think it’s actually gonna happen soon! How fun!!
Where did you go on your vacay?
Heidi
Hi Danielle,
Welcome to the forum! Your situation is definitely very confusing. I can see why you would be frustrated and having a really hard time.
May I ask your ages? I’m guessing he is in high school still and maybe you just graduated? It helps to know your age as it changes the guidance we offer.
He sounds very fickle, which is pretty typical in high school. So if I am understanding correctly, you have liked him for quite a long time, but you guys are just friends? He has never directly initiated anything romantic with you, correct?
You should be getting frustrated because you are not feeling valued and appreciated. Frustration is a GOOD sign that things are out of balance. The thing is, you accept it. You are teaching him how to treat you. Every time you play games with him in return, every time you accept his behavior of late canceling your plans, every time you share your feelings and accept his lack of effort to be a better friend…you are teaching him it’s okay to treat you this way. As much as you want to point the finger at him and blame him for how you are feeling, the truth is…you are saying yes to all of it. I know you are confronting him and letting him know your upsets, but ultimately, you are still his “friend” which is you saying yes to all of his behavior.
A person who has very high self respect will NOT accept being treated poorly. They will walk away if the poor treatment continues. What’s happening with you, is that you would rather stay connected to him and keep liking him, than to respect yourself and set come very clear boundaries or even end the friendship. He gets to be whomovever he wants to be. He gets to be fickle, he gets to not care, he gets to bail on your plans together…he gets to be all of that! You can either spend your energy trying to change him or you can accept that this is who he is for right now and he is not the kind of friend you want to have in your life.
I know this is much easier said than done though. You’ve had a crush on this guy for a looooong time and a lot of games are being played between you and him. It sounds like he does feel something towards you and is definitely connected to you somehow, but whatever that connection is, it isn’t enough to make him want to be in relationship with you and treat you like gold.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Blanca,
Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Are you still feeling more at peace and grounded in your choice? Are you completely moved out? How are your interactions??
Heidi
I understand how you feel.
For now, I would give some space for a bit. You have used the hero instinct 2x. You want to make sure you don’t overuse it because guys have a limit, especially when they know it’s being used to try and re-connect with them.
Do you think you can disconnect for 1 or 2 weeks? He needs to feel his life WITHOUT you. There is no way for him to feel the full consequences of his choice until he feels your absence. Then you can reach back out again, but let’s take one step at a time.
The challenge with these phrases and techniques in your particular situation, is that he has admitted to not having feelings for you. Whether that is actually true or not, doesn’t matter. If that is the story he is sticking to, these techniques will not have as much influence, because there is no momentum here.
How long are willing to work for this guy? It’s important that you get clear about this so you give yourself an ending. If he doesn’t respond by a certain date, you need to work on letting go and moving on with your life. Obviously if he does respond, then all is good! Let’s hope that is what will happen here!
Heidi
Hi Yingshui,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenge and questions with us!
Your poor heart! I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. Breaking up feels awful. It’s such a powerless feeling to watch someone you deeply care about, slip through your hands.
I understand your desire to somehow help him find his way back to you. There is just one BIG problem….his fantasy of this other girl. For him to stay connected THIS long to a girl he knew for only 3 weeks and who rejected him, is telling you he is NOT emotionally available for you….or anyone for that matter. He turned this girl into a BIG fantasy and that is very dangerous. It’s a good thing that girl rejected him again, because he would end up attaching himself to her in many unhealthy ways. He has put her on a pedestal and that NEVER works out. This fantasy he carries around with him also keeps in a safe little bubble. It prevents his heart from being available and getting hurt again. It prevents him from having to risk again. It prevents him from really moving forward. He tried with you, but as you are experiencing, his fantasy is occupying his heart more than you are.
It’s good to stay away. He needs to figure this out. She rejected him again, so let’s see what he does with that. He was right to break up with you because he can’t give you what you so deeply need…a pure, open connection that can grow. In essence, he is caring about you enough to protect you from him. He cannot give you what you want and deserve…at least for right now.
There is nothing you need to DO to get him to come back. He will come back if he is inspired to. Like you already know, he tried AGAIN with that girl even after a year of dating you. He WILL take action if he feels inspired to do so. That means giving him space and letting him feel his life without you. This, more than anything, is the most important part to feel. If he doesn’t miss you, doesn’t want to come back, feels good about his choice, then you need to honor that he is not the guy for you. If he feels like he can’t live his days anymore without connecting with you, then he needs to feel and notice that and come fight for you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Abbegale,
Thank you for sharing more detail.
I’m wondering if he is just scared, but on a subconscious level. If he has been burned many times and not really released all the previous hurts from those moments, then his heart is not going to be very available. Yes, there is a wisdom in going slow, but when going slow comes from a place of fear, it really mucks things up.
I know this may be hard to understand, but I have seen it MANY MANY times, especially in dating. Someone starts to actually get what they want and then they sabotage it, most of the time unknowingly. A lack of feeling is one of the ways to do that. If this is happening for him, I know this may sounds strange, but if he was really bonding and connecting with you that weekend, it would cause his walls to come up and prevent him from feeling into that connection and allowing it flourish.
If there wasn’t ANYTHING between us, then shouldnt ge have been able to give me specifics as to WHY? my gut feeling is that I believe this is coming out of being guarded still. If he is this guarded, which is highly possible, then do you REALLY want to spend your time chasing after a guy who is emotionally unavailable? If he is this guarded, all that means is a TON of work for you, just to get his attention, just to get him to kiss you, just to get him to have sex with you, just to get him to commit and so on. It would be like stepping into a situation where you are trying to CONSTANTLY figure out how to move that dam boulder up that hill. It will take all your attention, all your energy and in the meantime, it will mess with your self-esteem in BIG ways. Yes, you guys had some fun and a great connection. I understand how powerful this was for you to experience these deep conversations for the first time. But let me ask you this…if you got to have deep, soulful conversations quite frequently with men, would you be holding onto this guy so tight? A guy who is NOT inspired to move forward with you romantically? There are PLENTY of guys who are deep and soulful. I have met tons of them, but I require that from a guy if I am going to spend my time with him.
Are you truly understanding what you are stepping into trying to chase this guy? Are you truly understanding your own need to chase after a guy who is emotionally unavailable and who doesn’t have access to his romantic feelings with you?
Heidi
It will be so interesting to see what happens when Anna gets back. I look forward to hearing the update!
I’m curious…how strong are your feelings for Tim these days? On a scale of 1-10, what would you rate the intensity of what you feel for him?
Red??? Do it do it do it!!!! I’m naturally blond and was my entire life, then one day, driving to the salon, I KNEW I wanted something different and that meant either going blonder or doing dark. NEVER in my life did I think I would pick a dark color, but something shifted in me and I did it!!! I went red. I did a wine-colored kind of red at first, but eventually ended up with more of an auburn, earthy, fall colors kind of deep red. I LOVED IT!!! People who didn’t know I was a blond always thought it was my natural color. I had so much fun with it! It definitely affected my attitude as well. I learned different makeup and colors, my wardrobe changed a bit with colors and it was just an interesting experience. I went back to blond eventually because I shifted inside and now the red is calling to me again. lol. I’m thinking I will do half and half maybe…something more bold and creative. My hairdresser is movie start level, so I can feel safe in her hands. LOL. Anyways, I say go for it! You just need to find someone REALLY talented who can match the right kind of red to your skin tone. And as far as hairstyles, why not get some bangs??? No need to cut the length, but bangs ad a whole different look whether your hair is down or up. Just a thought.
Heidi
Hi Linsey,
Thanks for sharing more detail! It’s very helpful. Let’s just break down a few things here. There is A LOT to unpack, so I’m going to just cover a few things.
Whenever I get into anxiety mode, I also tend to focus more on the negatives and forget the positives. I just want to normalize this for you. ALL people are hardwired to focus more on the negatives than the positives. There is an incredible amount of research proving this. If you actually read books about behavior change or happiness, you will discover all kinds of things that show how much we all will look to the negative. Just a simple example is a guy who found over 500 words that explained emotion. 62% of the words were negative 38% were positive. Yikes! So just know that you’re normal. Anxiety is fear about the future. Fear will so quickly turn any situation into a hot mess of negativity!
He usually keeps things vague when I ask him a difficult question. When I consistently keep asking him the question he finally gives me more information as to why he behaves like this. It sounds like he is definitely a slow moving guy. It may take a while for him to open to you and share his personal stuff, but you also want to be VERY aware of this pattern that exists. He may be that guy who needs you to chase and chase and chase him before he is willing to give you the REAL answer. This is exhausting! Imagine doing this for 20 years! Imagine ALWAYS chasing him to get the real answer. A person that hides their deeper feelings is someone who doesn’t feel very safe and secure on deep levels. This pattern won’t really change until he works on what is going on for him OR until you decide to no longer participate in this chasing game. Does this make sense?
For me the hardest thing to understand is that he could have a “full on” relationship with his previous gf, but not with me, especially since I believe our relationship is better than his previous one (based on some stuff he said). You guys may function better, but that doesn’t mean anything. He may be holding onto a lot of fear and hurt from his past girlfriend. He let her all the way in and it didn’t work out. You have no idea how deeply that could have hurt him. My guess is, he is a guy that really holds onto things and doesn’t process the hurt, so that then becomes a wall for the next person….you. So despite how much better your relationship is, you are most likely fighting against some pretty big fears of his.
It sounds like your system has been set up to chase after connection, since you carry the fear of abandonment. Have you ever studied attachment styles?? I think this might be a good place for you to start to understand yourself a little better.
Heidi
Hi Abbegale!
Welcome to the forum! Oh my goodness, this is so confusing, isn’t it??
Let me ask you this. You guys spent a lot of time together. Did you guys flirt with each other?
You may have felt a connection, but there may have not been any sexual chemistry. There is a difference in guy’s mind.
Another possibility is that something happened that you don’t know about. Maybe an ex-girlfriend walked back into his life or he met someone else that interested him more. Maybe someone close to him died. Maybe he got diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. I know these things sound pretty far out there, but I’ve seen it happen. Everything is going great and smooth in a relationship and then BAM! Out of nowhere, for no apparent reason, one person says the dreaded “we need to just be friends” but doesn’t REALLY share what is going on behind the scenes. I’ve actually seen it more frequently happen with newer couples. There’s not enough trust or time spent together to share such personal information. Something like this is hard to know though.
Has anyone you know seen you guys together? I ask that to see if anyone else saw or felt the connection between you guys and commented on it or validated what you felt with him. There is the possibility that what you felt was being mis-understood OR that he was just playing games…and lord knows there are plenty of guys who know how to play games like this. His response was pretty cold though.
This is a strange situation for sure. Hopefully we can help you figure something out.
Heidi
Hi Linsey,
Welcome to the forum! It’s great to have you here and sharing your concerns and questions about your relationship.
You ask if you are over-reacting. The thing is Linsey, relationships are different for everybody, so one person would say yes and another would say not at all. What’s more important to focus on is whether your needs feel good for you or not.
It sounds like the theme of not feeling important in his life is a BIG deal for you. It’s constantly on your mind, yes? I imagine that there is a lot of anxiety around wondering whether or not he is going to make plans with you, does he see you in his future, why won’t he invite me into his social circle etc. It’s affecting every area of your relationship. So your need of feeling more important in his life is an important need to pay attention to.
I’m curious…is this a pattern you tend to deal with in your life? How is/was your relationship with your parents/siblings?
It sounds like you are both on different pages and I’m not sure he is being completely honest with you. To say “it’s complicated” as an answer to why he doesn’t invite you to meet his friends is a very general answer that is more about avoidance than anything. That seems to be his pattern. From what you have told, I gotta be honest and say that he doesn’t seem very invested or he is an EXTREMELY slow starter, which can be frustrating for anyone. If you want to stay with this guy, it’s about finding a way to accept him for who he is. Instead of having conversations about him making more of an effort to see you and bring you into his life, maybe start to have conversations about his perspective, his feelings, his fears, the stories he has about what it means to introduce you to his friends or have more visits. Meaning, get to the core root causes of why he behaves how he does instead of just looking at the symptom. Something is stopping him from really investing in you, so it’s about you searching for those answers to gain deeper understanding and working from that place. If all he ever willing to say is “it’s complicated” and he is not willing to share more than that, then you have a guy who is just not that interested in being known or knowing you. He is not emotionally available to the level that you require and therefore you have a decision you have to make.
I know there are a lot of good things going on as well. It doesn’t change that you just don’t feel very important or included in his thinking, his life, his plans. You can also look at your own needs and see your needs are coming from a place of insecurity or coming from a place of clarity. Is this a pattern or feeling you have experienced a lot in your life? I know for me, I have very high requirements/standards for emotional availability…higher than most, but I feel VERY CLEAR about that and it’s not coming from an insecurity but instead coming from a requirement in order for the relationship to function at a certain level. Does this make sense?
Thoughts?
Heidi
