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I’m still a little confused. You said you have had to start the no-contact period several times, so that’s telling me you were reaching out to him. So does that mean you were reaching out and making contact and he is NOT responding at all? Or is he responding to your efforts?
First, it’s important to understand that the speed at which you guys connected, happened for a reason. If that reason is not addressed, starting up with him again means that reason is still very much alive in BOTH of you and can run you guys off course again…maybe not in the same way, but it will influence your connection.
So let’s talk about your side of things. What was happening within YOU that you moved so fast? You said there was a loss of attraction, so was that just from him or did you feel that loss of attraction towards him as well?
Heidi
Hi Cindi,
Do you see why connecting with ANY part of his family is triggering for you? You were staying grounded and finding your power again, until your sister in law came into the picture. Now…you are back to where you started. You are activated, in more suffering, wanting to reach out to him again…This is why it’s best to NOT connect with anyone who is in his life…at least until you are healed. I’m sure she would understand if you told her that you just need time before reconnecting, because you have more healing to do. You have got to protect yourself, because you are going down a spiral right now, because you got close to him through her.
I’m still going to guide you towards NOT sending him any letters. I know you are in so much pain and it breaks my heart. The thing is, you are wanting to get back together with a guy will break your heart again and again and again.
From this letter, all I am seeing is this story that you believe if things had just gone slower, it would have worked out. I still feel like you were the best boyfriend I ever had. You made me feel safe, wanted, joyful, and excited about companionship in a way I’d never experienced. Yes, he made you feel this AND he made you feel like you didn’t matter. You keep holding on the good stuff you felt and completely discount how cold he is and how he didn’t fight for you. His sister in law said it’s a pattern. PAY ATTENTION!!!!! This is NOT about you, it’s NOT about the speed you guys went, it’s NOT about your reaction and neediness he picked up on…this is about HIM. So you are willing to step back into a relationship with a guy who is not willing to face his darkness and limitations. He blames you instead. He makes others wrong and him right, because he is fragile.
He is NOT the guy in your fantasy. In your fantasy, he is only good. In your fantasy, he made you feel amazing. THIS IS FANTASY! It’s NOT real. He is NOT available for you Cindi. He cannot sustain a relationship. He doesn’t work through anything with you. He instead points the finger at you, makes HIS feelings the only thing that matters and he goes about his way. How is that different than the other relationships you chose that failed? You are under this spell believing that this relationship was workable and healthy and sustainable, despite ALL the evidence showing you that it is not…the MAIN evidence being that he has completely disconnected and is NOT interested in fighting for you. He doesn’t have that in him. He doesn’t have an interest in knowing about what your thoughts are and how you feel. This letter will go in the trash. You will get no response from him and you will feel rejected all over again. You are like an addict trying to find a way to get a fix so you can be out of pain. Your drug is love and connection. You are in withdrawal and are willing to do anything to get another fix again.
Let this letter go Cindi. Let go of the hope. Close the door on this fantasy you have created about him. Yes, he was the best experience you have had AND it still was not enough. He is NOT enough. He is NOT who you want him to be.
Keep working on this Cindi. HE IS NOT YOUR SOURCE anymore. He is NOT available for you. He is NOT wanting to connect anymore. This letter, or any letter for that matter, just re-enforces his walls. Both letters are not honoring HIS choice. Both letters are you being “needy” and desperate. Both letters you are putting your heart in the hands of a guy who doesn’t want it nor knows how to take care of it. Take your heart back Cindi. Love it yourself. Source yourself. Learn how to love yourself more than the drug you are seeking. You can do this!!!!
Heidi
Hi Ann,
Thanks for sharing. I LOVE what you helped moderate a forum to help those dealing with emotionally abusive relationships. That is sadly a common behavior that gets discounted more often than not.
You obviously can spot emotionally abusive signs in a person, but I want to invite you to think FAR beyond that. You want to look for how a person functions through stress and whether or not that’s workable, as THOSE signs are also toxic to connection. For example, your guy is not emotionally or verbally abusive, but his coping mechanism to run away sabotages connection, right? When you are dating, you want to look at their coping mechanisms. It’s the same category that emotional/verbal abuse lives within, but it’s widening the signs that you are looking for. Is the guy emotionally available? Is he able to face his fears in healthy way? Is he able to maintain connection with you when he is under a lot of stress? These are just some examples of qualities to look for to see if a relationship is even sustainable with them.
There are ways to get a window into these qualities without having an argument. For example, from the very beginning of dating a guy, I will ask questions that can expose their darker side. What are you like when you are angry and upset? What was your reputation in high school? Tell me about the worst heartbreak you’ve ever been through…what did you do? What’s the worst hurt you have ever caused someone? These types of questions not only give me a tiny bit of insight into who their darker side is, I also watch them while they are answering my question. What is their tone of voice, what kinds of emotions come up for them, what is their reaction to my question, how much do they share with me??? I will even test a guy. For example, this one guy I had been dating for 3 months was really getting under my skin…in a good way. So we had a VERY difficult date night…on purpose – I wanted to see what he would respond like. He showed up at my door and I was not ready and made him wait 30 minutes. We start to drive to the restaurant and I made him go back to my place because I had left my curling iron on and I wanted to unplug it. We get to the restaurant MUCH later than planned and we sit and start to look at the menu and I accidentally spill water on him. I told him I was going to pay beforehand and then I forgot my credit card, so he had to cover the check. We were supposed to go to an event after dinner, but it just was too late, so he brought me home and he was going to stay the night. We started to get intimate and then I quickly flipped the switch and said I need to get up really early he should probably go home. As you can imagine, one thing after another didn’t go well – even though I did all of this on purpose. I wanted to stress him. I learned a lot that night about him. I learned that his coping mechanism is to disconnect. As the night went on, he became less connective, his energy became more intense, he was less talkative with me – yet at the end of the night he still wanted to have sex – which made me feel more like an object to help him feel better. If he got upset to that level about all these little, insignificant things that don’t matter, then I knew that when something worth getting upset for, what he would be like.
Basically, I’m saying that just because a man is not verbally/emotionally abusive, it doesn’t mean he is available for a healthy, sustainable connection. You need to widen your view of what you look for.
Also, another very simple way to know the challenges you will face with someone and their possible red flags, is look at their best qualities. Our strengths are ALWAYS our weaknesses. Our greatest gifts are also our greatest weaknesses. For example, a person might have a heart of gold. They are always in service to other and offer an incredible amount of love and care in the world. The shadow side to that is someone like that always has challenges with boundaries. They will care for others, more than they care for themselves and they will over commit their times and energy. They also do not have a healthy response to boundaries. They will take it personally and not understand when YOU set a boundary and not care for them. This type of person easily builds resentment and will hold it in for days and weeks and even years and then one day they will burst.
Me, as an example, I am a teacher. I am gifted at taking VERY complicated concepts and passing them along in a simple way to others. I am gifted at helping others understand their situation, themselves, and how to find healing for themselves. The shadow side to that is I absolutely have a tendency to want to fix EVERYTHING. I am always growing and learning, but that easily turns into an addictive type of energy that pulls me out of balance. I over fix. I over function with problem solving. I over help people instead of letting them figure it out for themselves.
So even looking at a person’s best qualities, you can just look at the shadow side of those qualities and identify some red flags.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Yes, I know it’s surprising. That’s why taking things VERY slow is important. Until you see someone in ALL shades of their life, you truly don’t know them. As the CEO of your heart, doing very THOROUGH interviews through conversations and experiences and observing their behaviors OVER TIME, is what needs to happen BEFORE opening the flood gates of your heart.
I’m curious…had you guys ever had an argument? Did you notice any red flags about him BEFORE he pulled away? What negative qualities did you notice about him prior to him stepping away?
Heidi
Hey there!
I’m a little confused. You’ve been separated for 9 months, but you have completed almost 30 days of no contact. So during those 9 months, you guys were still talking quite a bit?
Are you doing no contact for 30 days per YOUR choice, or was that a mutual choice?
I’m assuming you want to give this another try. How do you imagine doing things differently if he agrees to try again?
Heidi
Hi Cindi! Thank you for sharing all of this! There are a lot of thoughts and feelings in it and it’s absolutely beautiful!!! Well done!
Oh goodness…his sister in law? Man…you really got tied up in his life. I bet it was validating for you to have her support. Was it helpful for you?
I’m still hurt. I still miss him, and I still wish there was a way to re-open communication. I’d love to know what he’s thinking, even if we were only friends and nothing else Of course you still wish for this. Of course you still miss him. That’s normal. I know you so badly want to just have a conversation and connect heart to heart again and understand HIS side of the story. Let that idea go Cindi. It’s NOT reality and nor would he open up to you again. Remember, he is cold and unavailable now. This idea you have about talking to him again is to the guy he USED to be to you, NOT who he is today.
I know you wish you knew what he was thinking….let’s play with this a bit. What do you think you would learn or understand if you knew what he was thinking? How do you imagine it would help you? From my perspective, there is NO WAY I would want you to know what he was thinking, because his thinking is distorted and coming from a lot of fear…so whatever it is he is thinking, it would only be damaging to you…because all you would feel is misunderstood. And it’s AWFUL to have someone create a story about you, that isn’t actually true AND you are powerless to change it. The truth is, you want to talk to him so YOU can explain why how he feels is not accurate. You want to explain your behaviors and choices, like in this letter you wrote, in order to hopefully change HIS story about everything. Basically, you are wanting HIM to understand you and maybe in that understanding, he would come back to you. This is another story looping around in your mind that isn’t true. You need to validate your feelings for yourself. Looking to him is NEVER going to work.
While this letter is beautiful and full of so many thoughts and feelings, it is NOT something to send him. DO NOT send him any letters. Not right now. You are still in a state of “desperation” and it’s all over this letter and that is what he will feel more than anything….he will feel you doing the same exact pattern that caused him to pull away. Remember how he said you always looked to him for your life? Well…that’s what this letter is. You are looking to him AGAIN to understand you, because you are not doing that for yourself. You are still processing and hurting so any letter you write to him right now is not appropriate and 100% will re-enforce his feelings of wanting to keep the walls up.
So….what I suggest you do with this letter instead, is burn it. Light a candle as candles are really good energy for setting intentions, read the letter out loud, and then make a proclamation. Proclaim that as you burn this letter, you are also releasing all the feelings held within it. You are releasing all the hurt, anger, confusion, upset, and sadness with the burning of this letter. You are choosing forgiveness of yourself and him as you got messy through all of this. Why not have your kids write a letter to him as well and you can all do this together? Put the letters in a metal trash can and light a match and watch them burn to ashes.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I know how confusing it is when HE is the one who lead you down that path and then he all of a sudden changed his mind. Many times what happens is, a person actually does want those things and they verbalize it and begin to make it happen, but once it moves from and idea into ACTION, that’s when their walls get triggered and fear takes over. It’s this idea that you never know how you will FEEL about something until you are actually IN IT. As long as ANYTHING stays as an idea, WITHOUT action, there is no reality to how you will feel, UNTIL there is action behind that idea. I have seen this EXACT situation you are going through sooooo many times. The person LOVES the idea, but once there is action behind those ideas, the fear gets activated and they shut down – and they HAVE to work through it if they want to heal and increase their upper limit.
I’m so sorry this has happened. This is why I ALWAYS tell people, DO NOT give credibility to words. Give credibility to the ACTIONS. When words and action line up, THEN you know someone is in their integrity and that someone is aligned with their words. If words and actions are different, then that’s a problem. Whatever it is that is causing it, doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you KNOW you cannot trust what they say UNTIL you start to see actions to support their words. With your guy, his words and actions don’t match. Know that if you choose to step back into connection with him if he decides he wants to try again, you cannot trust what he says he wants until he puts action behind those words. So be discerning.
Heidi
Wow! he has been through a lot. It does make sense that he is not as ready as YOU need him to be. It sounds like you were going to enter into the family unit and that’s a BIG BIG deal after having a wife that held that spot for decades. He just isn’t ready for that. My guess is, if things went slower and those events were not on the horizon, he might have stayed more open.
And instead of fighting with me or changing his behavior, he sabotaged the relationship by claiming it’s missing “chemistry.” This is VERY important to understand….not feeling chemistry IS real for him. People have NO conscious awareness of their sabotaging patterns. All they know is they feel something that makes them pull away or sabotage and they don’t have any connection to the fact that it’s fear sourcing their feelings. It’s all coming from the subconscious and 99% of people are NOT aware enough to be able to identify what they are actually doing. And even if they did identify it, knowing what to do about it is a completely different level and requires A LOT of work…the kind of work that most people are not willing to do. Do not take this personally. He is doing the best he knows how with what he knows and understands about himself. He needs some time and space and if you guys get back together, are you willing to take things SUPER slow?
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more details Ann. It’s helpful!
First, I want to say, that it’s NOT your problem or fault that a man NOT feeling needed by you, becomes a challenge in a relationship. That is THEIR issue to deal with, which you of course are triggering. In a healthy, emotionally intelligent person, they own their own feelings and DO NOT put it onto the other person to fix for them. Of course you contribute to the pattern, but you are NOT the reason for their reaction.
I didn’t push him for more support at that time, because he was still coping with his son’s sudden death a couple of months before my surgery. And I knew it had been hard for him emotionally to take me to the hospital and wait around until I was out of the recovery room. I’m so sorry you had to go through that alone. That’s AWFUL! I had a year full of many surgeries not too long ago and having my mom there was critical for me. It’s a scary thing, no matter how small the surgery is. There are ALWAYS risks and you needed him to be there for you. He ran away because it was too much for him to deal with…and although you understood, it doesn’t change that you had to go through that without your partner by your side.
I like that you are noticing it’s a pattern. There are a few ways to look at this, which I’m guessing has truth in both versions. The pattern itself is coming from you and your lifelong way of surviving and your deep core beliefs about love and how to function within that love. The pattern is more about the kind of man you are choosing to engage with that has a HIGH need to be “needed” in certain ways.
And may ask him if we get back together later this spring or summer if it would make him more comfortable if he paid for most of our outings. This is you trying to “rescue” him from his feelings. That approach actually causes a lot of damage to a relationship. It also will make him feel less like a man. You also are assuming quite a bit that this is the main cause of his lack of chemistry with you.
Here is something to understand about the psyche – for BOTH men and women. We all have what’s called an “upper limit.” The most basic way to explain this, is we ALL have a limit as to how happy we allows ourselves to be. That limit is directly connected to our low self-esteem and the pain we carry. The more pain, the more low self-esteem, the lower the limit. You can tell when someone reaches their upper limit, because they will start to sabotage the connection. They might lose feelings, they might start fighting with you more, they might start to pull away, they might start new habits that are damaging…everyone sabotages differently. 99% of the time, people have NO CLUE what that they are doing it. All they know is how they feel and it cannot be explained. What’s REALLY happening, is they reached the highest level of happiness that their system allows and so fear, anxiety, confusion, numbness – all these feelings come up that don’t make sense and don’t have any REAL reasons…although they will rationalize their feelings somehow.
I’m wondering if this is what’s happening with your guy. One thing that is completely understandable and normal, is for a widower to reach that limit and go no further, because their beloved who passed, is still occupying their heart – and feelings of betrayal, guilt, shame etc. are still running in the system of the surviving spouse…and those feelings can really get triggered when they start to feel happy with another partner.
Do you feel any of this might be relevant?
Heidi
Oh good! Yes, your tears have been years coming! I know he is the target for your tears, but you are crying for ALL those times you felt abandoned, betrayed, fooled, hurt, and like you didn’t matter. You have had years and years of feeling like that. Your tears are telling you how much you have held inside all this time. Keep letting them come out! It’s all okay!
Heidi
Hi Louise!
Would you mind starting another thread? It gets confusing for us coaches to be coaching 2 different people on the same thread. We want to give you 100% of our attention and don’t want you to fall through the cracks, so having your own thread is a way to ensure that happens. All you need to do is copy this message you just posted and paste it to a thread that is all your own. Let us know if you have any questions about how to do that.
Heidi
I am glad you are back! Let’s definitely keep talking about this, because even as you begin to get more educated about yourself and him, it will help you move through the situation in an easier way. Many times, just a shift in perspective can ease the amount of pain and difficulty in big ways. The most important thing for you that you DO have power over, is your perspective. How you view all of this will either increase or decrease your pain.
What I first want to invite you to do, is view this relationship EXACTLY like the schooling and training you went through to become the leader you are today. As a leader, you KNOW that challenges are going to show up. Being the problem solver you are, you KNOW how to focus on the solutions and that every challenge represents an opportunity to learn about what is not working and what is working, right? Relationships and love are EXACTLY the same thing. Challenges are a teacher. Challenges show us what is NOT working anymore and that it’s time for something to shift to get to the next level. Challenges shine a light on what is ready to be released and changed. Yes, pain comes with challenges AND that pain is messenger as well. That pain is letting us know the stories and beliefs that are keeping us tied up, limited, and in fear. It identifies where we are stuck and staying small. You are a powerhouse Seow. It’s time to take that drive for excellence and skillset of how you problem solve, and apply it to your own life. It means saying “This version of love and relationship is no longer serving me or anyone else. It’s time to learn, understand, heal, and grow from this situation and I am willing to do whatever it takes to FEEL happy again, because that is the kind of life I want to live.”
I understand he was manipulated and I understand his ex is dark and a horrible person. Remember….view HIS life the same way…these challenges that have shown up for him are his teacher. He needs to WAKE UP to his choices. He CHOSE to get wrapped up with her, even though he didn’t want to. He CHOSE to align with the belief that it was the “right” thing to do. He played the “martyr” and is dealing with the consequences of that choice. Anytime we sacrifice our needs, our well-being, our mental health for someone else – we ALWAYS pay the price for that. If YOU view him as a victim, then all you are doing is supporting his story that he is a victim instead of owning how he CHOSE to betray himself. YOU view him as weak. YOU view him as incapable. How about instead, you view him as 100% capable of turning all of this around. How about instead, you view his situation as him going through school and learning how to do things differently, instead do viewing it all as awful. Stop pointing the finger at his ex. You cannot change her. Start holding HIM accountable and stop rescuing him. That is why you are sooooo darn tire and you are breaking. You are doing what he did. You are being the martyr for this relationship. Take care of yourself first and foremost and that is NOT what you have been doing. You are tapped out, exhausted, resentful, angry, and hurting. You are all of those things because of YOUR choices of how you involved yourself with this whole situation. So now, YOU are in school ALSO learning that what you have been doing, DOESN”T work and now it’s time for you to do it differently….or you will completely lose yourself. It’s just a school Seow. These are all lessons here to SERVE you and help you become even more of a powerhouse in a HEALTHY way, because how you have been navigating all of this, is way out of balance and it’s finally catching up to you.
So….take a breath. Open up your mind and heart to NEW ways of going about all of this. Allow these challenges to shine a light on the areas of YOU that are ineffective and limiting and contributing to your pain. STOP FIGHTING what is happening and begin to go with the flow. Just like Jui Jitsu…use the energy of the force coming at you to ADD TO what you want to create. Go WITH it instead of fighting against it. Allow yourself to be taught, molded, shifted, and changed. When you surrender like that, the suffering can disappear in a second. So much of our pain in life is tied up in our perspectives, views, and limiting beliefs. Let them all go and open yourself to new information coming in for you! I know it’s easier said than done. I’m planting seeds here and hoping something sticks for you, even a little bit.
I really do not know how to bring out the feminine side of me… sounds too difficult. At the moment, I just wish I can stop hurting and move on. So what that it’s difficult. Is that what you say in your job? Is that the mindset you carry when a challenge shows up in work? I doubt it. You FIND a way, because it’s the feminine side of you that is going to save you and bring you back into balance. So you DO THE WORK, regardless of how difficult it feels. If you don’t, then you will just continue on the path you are on…in pain, exhausted, and miserable. It’s your choice.
Accessing the feminine can easily begin by having some compassion and care for YOURSELF. The feminine is nurturing, gentle, connective, and validating. Maybe start by journaling 3 pages each day. Write out WHATEVER you are feeling and thinking. It’s called free-form journaling. No purpose, no agenda, no guidelines, no filtering….just write…a minimum of 3 pages. Sometimes, I will even write “I have no idea what to say and this so stupid that I’m wasting my time writing a bunch of nonsense that doesn’t even make sense….” If that is what is in your mind, then you write it! But commit to yourself….3 pages each day. That’s the feminine….that’s taking care of YOU. That’s nurturing YOU. That’s giving your voice a place to be heard. That’s caring about how you feel. You have so completely lost yourself, because you have poured all that you are into rescuing your guy and your job – all at the expense of yourself. Just like your guy, you are playing the martyr. It’s time to start to exist for yourself.
Thoughts?
I’ll send you an email today.
Heidi
Hi Ann!
Welcome! Thank you for being here and sharing your story with us. It’s confusing isn’t it?? It’s just as confusing at 20 as it is at 70….except there is A LOT more baggage to deal with at 70.
Let’s see if we can unpack this a bit.
Did you ask him what “chemistry” he was referring to? I’m not sure I really understand that. It sounds like the bedroom is great, the friendship is great, and you are well-matched. When you are NOT in the bedroom, are you guys flirty with each other? Do you talk every day? Do you hold hands? Do you FEEL the chemistry between you guys OUTSIDE of the bedroom?
As far as you being “independent” there are different ways to view this. It’s a VERY layered and confusing topic for most people and I have found most people do not understand what that actually means…especially what it means for a woman to be independent, considering the social program has been that women NEED men for survival. Being independent is a BEAUTIFUL thing!!! DO NOT ever lose that! However, it’s also important for a man to feel “needed.” By that, I mean he needs to feel like he has a role in your life…it’s part of their nature and instinct, so it’s about finding ways to make him feel “needed” but NOT from a place of you actually “needing” him. Let me explain a bit…if a guy asks me if I want help to carry in the groceries, or carry my bag, or help me with something, even though I don’t actually NEED their help, I absolutely take it. I too am very independent and can do 100% of my life on my own, however…part of the beauty of the feminine energy, is INSPIRING the masculine to engage with us by “helping” us…not because we can’t help ourselves, but because they can. Feminine energy is the “receiver.” Allowing a man to offer his help in various ways, whether it’s a shoulder to cry on, an expensive dinner, a foot rub, carrying something for us….ALWAYS take it because you are honoring the masculine and feminine and how they can work together and support each other. So it’s NOT about you having your own home and job etc….it’s about inviting the masculine’s support into your life because it’s just a beautiful thing to engage with. AND…always make sure to acknowledge it, appreciate it, and verbalize how it helps you…because it does! So I always say things like “Wow…I soooo appreciate your help with that. It made my life so much easier and gave me more time. Thank you thank you thank you!” Does this make sense about the what is happening on a deeper level?
Heidi
I know you do. There were sooooo many wonderful things he brought into your life. You felt like you have never felt before.
You liked how you got to feel when things were good with him. There is a lot to miss about him. Even though he didn’t turn out to be the best guy, it doesn’t change that he also had wonderful experiences to offer you.One thing really helped me through the hardest breakup, was pretending my phone was him. I would turn on the record button and I would close my eyes and pretend I was talking to him. Sometimes, I was just full of tears and missing him so much. Sometimes, I was so angry for his choices. Sometimes, I just wanted to tell him something I knew he would excited about for me. It’s like having a voice diary. No filtering and 100% full expression and emotion…and it was all okay! I found that the more I did it, the less power my feelings had over me, because I used my voice to say exactly what I wanted to say…TO HIM! It was probably the most powerful tool to help me move my emotions. It helped a ton! I would talk to him in my car, I would talk to him at night when I’m in bed. I would talk to him when I got home from work. Whenever feelings would come up, whether anger, fear, missing him…all the above…I said it to him.
It also helped me to watch movies where the woman gets her heart broken, but she also heals and moves on. One of my favorites is “Under the Tuscan Sun.”
Maybe give that a shot and see if it helps!
Sending you a BIG hug Cindi! I’m still here with you. You are not alone through this and I am your biggest cheerleader!
Heidi
