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I understand. I imagine he might not be sure what he is feeling either. He may not be sure what he wants partly because he doesn’t know how you feel. How do you feel about having an honest conversation with him? What if you just simply said what you said here. You can say something like, “I’m confused and I need your help to understand what is happening. One minute you are flirty and talk about things that are very close between us and the next moment you are referring to me as your ex. I still have strong feelings for you and would like to give us another try, but I’m not sure how you feel about that…”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Heidi
I explored Colorado a lot more as well since Covid. I know here in the U.S. people started renting camper vans, trailers, RVs etc. and road trips became the new travel. That industry definitely made (and still is) a lot of money this past year. I had friends who searched EVERYWHERE trying to find an RV they could rent to go on a road trip and they couldn’t find one. It’s been interesting to see what industries completely benefited from the lockdown and what industries got really hurt.
Okay…so there’s a plan! And it sounds like he is a bit more connective. I think it’s wise not to read too much into it. You are just noticing a bit of a change, but you are not getting carried away about what it means. SMART!!!! What you need to be careful with, is if he ends up wanting to hook up again and starting up the friends with benefits thing again. Have you thought about that and what you would do?
Wow! A teacher! What ages are you most interested in? I will never forget my primary teachers. Other than 1 teacher, they were all spectacular and loved them! Primary teachers are so incredibly influential. It’s a tough job though. Teachers should be getting paid waaaaaay more considering the level of impact they have on this world. One more year to go! You’re almost done! It’s going to feel soooo good to have your own classroom and start your career.
Heidi
Hi Christian,
It’s great to hear from you again and get an update. Wow! A lot is happening. It sounds just as messy as ever though. I completely applaud you for really giving the no contact a chance. I understand that you still miss him and feel like you can’t get over him. Letting go of love takes time and it is quite painful.
Since you guys have reconnected again, what do you want? Do you want to get back into a relationship with him? It sounds like he is trying to make that happen somehow. Is that what you want?
Heidi
Hi Alice,
So how does this saving happen and for how long? Who knows. Every single person is different. What really determines something like this is his pain threshold. We all are able to handle and maintain certain levels of emotional pain and discomfort. Sometimes it’s that pain that actually keeps us connected to the situation. The higher the pain tolerance, the more unhealthy the person. The healthier the person (emotionally) the lower the pain tolerance they have. When someone is causing them harm, is not available, is not meeting their needs etc. they leave sooner than later and honor that the relationship just doesn’t work. Someone with higher pain tolerance will keep holding onto a situation and keep getting hurt over and over and over again. They will rationalize staying, they will choose connection with that person over self-love, they will keep trying to “fix” the situation somehow and they will keep trying to change the other person/situation in some way so they can keep staying in it. I’ve seen people do this for years, so there is no “average” amount of time for how long a person stays connected to an unhealthy situation.
His need to “help” the little boy is going to be a STRONG pull for him. I doubt he is conscious of why he is so connected to wanting to “save” the little boy, so that means he will most likely stay connected for a very long time. If he were conscious of the REAL reasons behind his choices, he could work with his own inner little boy and heal what is being triggered within him and approach this situation in a much more healthy way. He is not that type of guy though, so his need to keep “saving” is important for him. Who knows though…maybe he can find some healing from this. I’m sure that little boy helps him feel valuable and purposeful in his life.
How do you handle such a person with deep fear of commitment? You don’t. You let them have their fear. His fear is very important to him. It is more important than ANYTHING in his life and his drives a lot of his decisions. When fear is THAT strong, you stay out of the way and accept that you will always lose against his fear until he faces it. At this point, he is not in enough pain (he has a high pain tolerance) to make any changes to his life. So in a way, you leaving and completely disconnecting will increase the pain, which may be exactly what he needs to finally face his fears. Or…he may just bury the hurt and keep doing what he’s doing. Either way, if you are going to stay in his life, know that this is who he is and how he wants to live his life and he gets to be this way. You then get to decide how you want to interact with him. If you stay connected in hopes that he will eventually fight for you, that’s YOU having a higher pain tolerance and choosing connection with him over self-love. He cannot give you what you want right now. So when you are trying to decide what to do, the first and MOST IMPORTANT aspect is to choose self-love above anything or anyone else. A question I always like to ask is “Is it loving to me to…..” So do you feel it is loving towards yourself to stay connected to him? If you feel it is and you feel that’s a healthy choice for you, then stay connected! If not, then it’s times to disconnect completely and allow yourself the space to heal from the loss of him. After you feel healed and complete, you can come back into his life as a friend if you want…or not. Who knows how you will feel and how things will play out.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Linsey,
Wow! You really are incredibly strong to receive what I shared and resonate with it. You are very honest with yourself, which is a rare quality. I hope you know how strong you really are!
I totally get your pattern of always finding something that needs to be fixed. I too have this EXACT pattern. I’ll share with you what I have learned about it in myself in hopes something may resonate for you. First, it keeps me engaged on some level. I have A LOT of knowledge and finding something to “fix” keeps me entertained on some level. Second, I’m always working to never be fooled or misled, so I’m always looking for the worst in someone, so they will never surprise me or fool me by their choices. Third, there is a part of me always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don’t trust feeling happy for too long, so if I’m always finding something to “fix” so to speak, there is no shoe that’s going to drop on me, right? Do you resonate with any of these?? What else can you come up with as to why you have this pattern?
Truth is, it will ALWAYS be a pattern you will be dealing with. It’s okay! I just recognize when it shows up and then I work myself through it in a healthier way…and sometimes I don’t, but that’s just part of being human, right? The way I figure it, I’d rather have this kind of limiting pattern than other patterns that are really harmful, so I figure I’m doing pretty good!
Here is just something really simple to think about Linsey. Despite any unhealthy mindset you might have about this guy, it doesn’t change the FACTS that he is just not the type to grow, be introspective or face himself. You can ask any therapist, expert, specialist…if you have 2 people that are going to grow together, you HAVE TO HAVE 2 PEOPLE that participate. If 1 person doesn’t want to do the work, there’s not much you can really do about it…you gotta cut your losses. I’m just not sure this guy is someone who is willing to do the work. So you can stay and continue to work on yourself and keep trying to feel happy with him, or you can accept him for who he really is, embrace that he does NOT approach life the same way you do when it comes to stress or challenge and you love yourself enough to walk away. Just something to think about. Bottom line is, YOU are the only one who knows when you are ready to let go, so until then, you are someone who is still going to learn and grow and I think that’s fabulous. You cannot do anymore than that!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Thanks for the update! It sounds like everything went really well and it sounds like you are quite grounded despite you not getting what you really wanted. Wow! I have to say I’m impressed.
I am not sure where this stands on the border between intuition and wishful thinking, I get it. I run into those types of things all the time in my own life. You are doing exactly what needs to be done with it. Just stay present and in this moment and deal with WHAT IS. Wishful thinking or intuition…it doesn’t really matter, does it? If he shows up down the road (I wouldn’t be surprised if he did) or if you end up moving on – either way, your job is to stay present and each moment will take you on a journey.
Your list is fabulous!!! Not unrealistic at all. You bring all these things into a relationship, so why in the world would your “list” be less than what you bring to the table? It may be more difficult to find, but someone like you is a gem. Treat yourself as such and never settle for anything less than a relationship that makes you expand and soar to new heights. I like to encourage people to create their non-negotiable list. These are the qualities that you CANNOT live without in a relationship. EVERY SINGLE BOX NEEDS TO BE TICKED on your non-negotiable list in order for it to work. That’s the list you should be dating from. I have a whole course on this this, as it’s the most important part to understand about yourself BEFORE you invite someone into the most sacred part of your life. So step 1 is basically writing down EVERYTHING you want in a partner and then rate each quality 1-5. 1 being important and 5 being super, duper important. This is the beginning of understanding what you cannot live without. If you feel like going through this process, I’m happy to walk you through it.
If not, it sounds like you have a pretty good handle on what’s happening. I would agree in that timing and fear are the major factors in him being unavailable. It also sounds like he has some unfinished business of sorts and he needs to go rescue that little boy (he essentially is rescuing himself, right?).Thoughts?
Heidi
Good to hear from you! I’m glad that you are finding an attachment style that resonates for you. It’s just helpful to understand your reactions a bit more and then how you can manage your reactions in a more healthy way.
Let’s talk about this: I get the feeling he doesn’t realize these things are an issue and that everything is perfectly fine with him. He for example sees himself as a private person instead of someone who hides their deeper feelings. He gets to believe this about himself. If you REALLY think about it, you wanting to approach him about this, is you wanting him to be different so YOU can be happier and not have to break up with him. It is NOT about you accepting him for exactly who he is. If he were a curious person, if he were someone who wanted to know and understand himself deeper, he would have done it by now. He is just not that guy. He has rationalized that he is just a “private” person and he feels okay about being that. Who are you to come and tell him differently and try to wake him up to a deeper level of truth? Is he asking for that?? Nope. He is not interested in knowing himself this way. Besides, it’s soooooo much more powerful for people to discover these “truths” for themselves instead of having someone else point it out for them.
I know I cannot fix him or play his therapist, but there’s a difference between trying to make someone aware of what is going/how it affects me and actually trying to get his issues fixed You “making him aware” IS being his therapist. You put yourself in the role of “I am an expert on you and I’m going to tell you how your issues are affecting me.” So then what? Let’s say you do bring this to his attention…then what? Are you expecting him to change??? The behaviors he is displaying are deeply rooted, which means nothing is going to really permanently change until he deals with the deeper causes of why he is so emotionally unavailable. So then you will just end up back at square 1 at some point, with him keeping a big wall between you guys, you chasing after him and you feeling rejected a lot. The bottom line is, you want him to care about you by changing how he lives his life, because it’s the only way you can continue to stay. Do you really think that’s fair? He could say the same thing about you and wish for YOU to change to more suit his needs. He may feel you are too needy or too emotional or too fragile or you take things too personally. Is that fair to you for him to want you to change those things about yourself???
Thoughts?
Heidi
You call it a fantasy, I call it a retreat, because that is how I felt in the countryside with nature around, very few people and him fully present for me. Gosh, this sounds like perfection all around! Retreats ARE fantasies on some level. It’s not a way of living that is sustainable….hence “retreat.” It’s just meant to be a temporary experience, right?
I see no reason for it to end. I somewhat seem to be able to open up with A in ways I was not able with other men, so, yes, looks like this is what keeps me interested / hooked. Is this not ok? You need to do whatever feels good for you. There are 2 paths you can take…stay in it or get out. Either path has MANY lessons to learn, consequences, gifts and experiences. Either path will bring growth. One path may end up being more painful than the other, but that’s what growth is inspired by, right? So either way, it’s not about a right or wrong, good or bad choice…it’s just about choosing which kind of experience you want to have and then going on an adventure.
I think the best thing you can do for right now, is to stay VERY aware of yourself. You are stepping into a new relationship without having allowed yourself time to grieve the last one. A feels so good for you….like drinking a fresh glass of water after having been thirsty for such a long period of time. Anytime we experience that kind of relief, it can make us feel and think things that are not quite reality. Meaning, you might feel “this is the best water I have ever tasted in my life!” but in reality, the water is tap water, full of all kinds of chemicals and metals and is actually toxic to the body, but it’s the best water ever just because you are soooooo dam thirsty and it is releiveing the pain. So it’s good to try and keep as much perspective as possible of all the dynamics that could be at play here and just keep an eye on yourself, your expectations, your needs, your wants and what you start to create with A. I know you are going to meet and have a talk with him, so obviously you will learn what his mindset is as well.
Looking forward to an update and hearing how lunch went!
Heidi
You live in Switzerland??? Wow! I have been there 1 time years ago and loved it. I’ve watched a handful of shows about Switzerland as it is the kind of nature that I LOVE! The mountains there are fantastic and breathtaking!!! Living in Colorado is about as close as you can get to the Swiss Alps and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t appreciate the beauty I am surrounded by. It sounds like you really appreciate your home as well!
It makes total sense why you said what you said to Tim at the time. Now that he has gotten a reality check about Anna and that she is not a possibility, he may be more available soon. He has to let his bruised ego heal for a bit, but after that, who knows! I’m glad you guys are still talking at least and you are going hiking soon. I’m sure if you were a bit flirty, he may respond on some level. We shall see! I can’t wait to hear how it all goes!
What do you do for work?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
Okay great! First and foremost, it’s important for you to view this as a fun adventure. You haven’t felt this kind of connection in such a long time, so it’s going to be easy to get emotional or feel insecure and “overanalyze” EVERYTHING he does or says. So it’s important to just tread lightly and keep yourself grounded in your own value, keep a level of objectivity as you move forward and HAVE FUN!!!!
So to begin with, the next time you know you are going to see him, make sure you feel really good about yourself. Wear an outfit that makes you feel feminine and confident. Maybe get your nails done or do your hair in a way that makes you feel beautiful, or put on a little makeup. Whatever it is that you do to make yourself feel beautiful, do that first and foremost.
Next, you want to flirt with him. There are a ton of ways to do that, but the easiest is to smile a lot when you talk with him. You can glance at him from across the room and let him catch you, then look away with a shy kind of smile. You can bring him drinks or snacks while he works on your house. Offer him a few compliments about his work or how he does things, so he knows you notice him. Those are just a few simple ways to let him know he is affecting you. Let him take the lead though. DO NOT initiate anything just yet. He needs to initiate. Your only job right now is to give him the signals that say “Yes, I like you and I will say yes if you ask me out.” A guy needs encouragement, of course. You want him to ask you out, but he needs to feel confident he won’t get rejected, so your flirting will help him feel more secure to take that risk.
This is where you are going to start and let it live for a while. It may take a few weeks or it may take a month or so before he asks you out. Who knows! Every guy is different. You just want to make sure that when he is around you, he feels good about himself. Let’s just start there and see how this goes. Each interaction is going to give you a little more information about him and then it will help you decide what to do next, but essentially, your only job is to flirt and make him feel good so he feels comfortable to ask you out on a date.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
Welcome to the forum! You are asking some great questions! I just have a few more questions to ask.
How long have you been single now? Have you dated at all since your separation? Do you know for sure that this guy is single? How comfortable are you with flirting? On a scale of 1-10, how confident do you feel about yourself?
Looking forward to your response!
Heidi
I’m glad you feel some peace about this. It may be a bit of a rollercoaster ride as you completely let him go, but it sounds like you really have connected to the need to let this go.
I would not count on him coming back. Usually, when there are not strong enough feelings in the first place, they typically will not return. Who knows though. Anything can happen. Maybe in 20 years your paths will cross again somehow and the connection is more balanced. If he does return, I would suggest taking it slow and not let him back in so easily. It’s important for you to NOT fall into the same pattern of over-functioning for the relationship. He needs to WORK to get your attention and he needs to chase you to get you back. This will help both you and him know that he really does want to come back and he is willing to do what it takes. Does this make sense?
But again, I wouldn’t count on him coming back. The very best thing you can do is be VERY kind and compassionate towards yourself right now. Plan some fun things in your life, eat delicious meals, go on long walks, journal, fill your home with flowers, watch movies that make you feel good and take really take good care of yourself as you deal with this loss.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Alice,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for trusting us with your questions and situation. You are right, it is a bit complicated.
I’m sorry you are having to go through all of this. You didn’t talk much about your visit with R and how it was to care for him etc. How did that go? How did you feel around him?
My first, initial thought is this: you are on the rebound. You seem like a pretty self-aware person, so I’m sure this thought has entered into your mind and maybe you are okay with it. I’m not sure what your expectations are for what is happening with A. Are you thinking you want to hop into a relationship with him? I’m glad you got to be reminded of what flow feels like and to be cared about, to feel safe, to feel like you had more of an equal sitting in front of you instead of a child you had to care for all of the time. A is giving you some great experiences. Are you willing to just let it be that and nothing more?
The longer this goes on with A, the messier it’s going to get. It’s going to start to turn into another relationship of sorts and all the sadness and loss that you haven’t processed from R is going to create quite the mess, on top of whatever crap R is going to bring to the table. Since you are more centered and detached at the moment, maybe this would be a good time to just shift into a friendship with A. He doesn’t want a relationship and he’s already starting to act distant and uncomfortable, so if you cut ties now, it will be a lot less painful and dramatic. Is that something you are willing to do? Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Linsey,
I just wanted to check in. How are you doing? Any new updates? Any thoughts about what I said? We would love to hear back from you!
Heidi
Hi Pearlyn,
Welcome to the forum. I am soooooo so sorry you are having to deal with this. It sounds like you put a TON of effort into helping this relationship with him last, but that he was not as responsive as you deserved or needed. It sounds like there really were no issues with the relationship itself, so there is nothing to fix.
It more sounds like there is just something missing for him. Usually, when this is the case, it’s best to let them go. For whatever reason (only he knows) he does not feel as inspired as you do to fight for this relationship. The reasons don’t really matter. What matters is that he is not able to give you what you need/want.
It’s VERY hard to let go of something you put so much effort into. It sounds like you have more feelings towards him than he does towards you. I’m so sorry! This is definitely something heartbreaking and something you naturally would want to keep fighting for, but is probably not the best thing to do. It’s better if you just accept that he is ready to create an ending and honor that. It will hurt for some time, but at some point, you will start to heal and feel better.
What are your thoughts?
Heidi
