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Hi Anna,
Okay great! First and foremost, it’s important for you to view this as a fun adventure. You haven’t felt this kind of connection in such a long time, so it’s going to be easy to get emotional or feel insecure and “overanalyze” EVERYTHING he does or says. So it’s important to just tread lightly and keep yourself grounded in your own value, keep a level of objectivity as you move forward and HAVE FUN!!!!
So to begin with, the next time you know you are going to see him, make sure you feel really good about yourself. Wear an outfit that makes you feel feminine and confident. Maybe get your nails done or do your hair in a way that makes you feel beautiful, or put on a little makeup. Whatever it is that you do to make yourself feel beautiful, do that first and foremost.
Next, you want to flirt with him. There are a ton of ways to do that, but the easiest is to smile a lot when you talk with him. You can glance at him from across the room and let him catch you, then look away with a shy kind of smile. You can bring him drinks or snacks while he works on your house. Offer him a few compliments about his work or how he does things, so he knows you notice him. Those are just a few simple ways to let him know he is affecting you. Let him take the lead though. DO NOT initiate anything just yet. He needs to initiate. Your only job right now is to give him the signals that say “Yes, I like you and I will say yes if you ask me out.” A guy needs encouragement, of course. You want him to ask you out, but he needs to feel confident he won’t get rejected, so your flirting will help him feel more secure to take that risk.
This is where you are going to start and let it live for a while. It may take a few weeks or it may take a month or so before he asks you out. Who knows! Every guy is different. You just want to make sure that when he is around you, he feels good about himself. Let’s just start there and see how this goes. Each interaction is going to give you a little more information about him and then it will help you decide what to do next, but essentially, your only job is to flirt and make him feel good so he feels comfortable to ask you out on a date.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
Welcome to the forum! You are asking some great questions! I just have a few more questions to ask.
How long have you been single now? Have you dated at all since your separation? Do you know for sure that this guy is single? How comfortable are you with flirting? On a scale of 1-10, how confident do you feel about yourself?
Looking forward to your response!
Heidi
I’m glad you feel some peace about this. It may be a bit of a rollercoaster ride as you completely let him go, but it sounds like you really have connected to the need to let this go.
I would not count on him coming back. Usually, when there are not strong enough feelings in the first place, they typically will not return. Who knows though. Anything can happen. Maybe in 20 years your paths will cross again somehow and the connection is more balanced. If he does return, I would suggest taking it slow and not let him back in so easily. It’s important for you to NOT fall into the same pattern of over-functioning for the relationship. He needs to WORK to get your attention and he needs to chase you to get you back. This will help both you and him know that he really does want to come back and he is willing to do what it takes. Does this make sense?
But again, I wouldn’t count on him coming back. The very best thing you can do is be VERY kind and compassionate towards yourself right now. Plan some fun things in your life, eat delicious meals, go on long walks, journal, fill your home with flowers, watch movies that make you feel good and take really take good care of yourself as you deal with this loss.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Alice,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for trusting us with your questions and situation. You are right, it is a bit complicated.
I’m sorry you are having to go through all of this. You didn’t talk much about your visit with R and how it was to care for him etc. How did that go? How did you feel around him?
My first, initial thought is this: you are on the rebound. You seem like a pretty self-aware person, so I’m sure this thought has entered into your mind and maybe you are okay with it. I’m not sure what your expectations are for what is happening with A. Are you thinking you want to hop into a relationship with him? I’m glad you got to be reminded of what flow feels like and to be cared about, to feel safe, to feel like you had more of an equal sitting in front of you instead of a child you had to care for all of the time. A is giving you some great experiences. Are you willing to just let it be that and nothing more?
The longer this goes on with A, the messier it’s going to get. It’s going to start to turn into another relationship of sorts and all the sadness and loss that you haven’t processed from R is going to create quite the mess, on top of whatever crap R is going to bring to the table. Since you are more centered and detached at the moment, maybe this would be a good time to just shift into a friendship with A. He doesn’t want a relationship and he’s already starting to act distant and uncomfortable, so if you cut ties now, it will be a lot less painful and dramatic. Is that something you are willing to do? Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Linsey,
I just wanted to check in. How are you doing? Any new updates? Any thoughts about what I said? We would love to hear back from you!
Heidi
Hi Pearlyn,
Welcome to the forum. I am soooooo so sorry you are having to deal with this. It sounds like you put a TON of effort into helping this relationship with him last, but that he was not as responsive as you deserved or needed. It sounds like there really were no issues with the relationship itself, so there is nothing to fix.
It more sounds like there is just something missing for him. Usually, when this is the case, it’s best to let them go. For whatever reason (only he knows) he does not feel as inspired as you do to fight for this relationship. The reasons don’t really matter. What matters is that he is not able to give you what you need/want.
It’s VERY hard to let go of something you put so much effort into. It sounds like you have more feelings towards him than he does towards you. I’m so sorry! This is definitely something heartbreaking and something you naturally would want to keep fighting for, but is probably not the best thing to do. It’s better if you just accept that he is ready to create an ending and honor that. It will hurt for some time, but at some point, you will start to heal and feel better.
What are your thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Danielle,
I just wanted to check in. Any thoughts about what I have shared? Any new updates? What’s happening? We would love to hear from you again!
Heidi
Hi Rosario,
It’s been awhile so I thought I would check-in and see how you are doing. How are you handling the breakup? Are you starting to feel a bit better now that time has passed? Any updates?
Heidi
Hi Julie,
It’s been a few weeks, so I wanted to check-in and see how things are going. What’s the status of your situation? How are you feeling?
Heidi
Hi Vino,
Wow! This is quite the update. A lot has really happened for you.
It’s a powerful thing to have someone validate how you felt, especially a sort of stranger who hardly knew your husband. You are getting the confirmation you didn’t know you needed, so you can release the guilt you have been carrying around. I bet your heart is sooooo happy!
And to have JB also validate the level of stress you are under is a beautiful thing. To feel seen and known by someone is so special. Again, I know how healing this was for your heart to have this kind of experience. It’s about time you start to feel ALL of these things!!!
How is your oldest??? Is she okay? It sounds like she is still really struggling and that Ethiopia didn’t quite do the trick. Does she still have her job? How is she getting help? What about you…how are you coping with this? This must be scary for you on some level. I know you are feeling a lot of joy and happiness in your life, which I LOVE, but I imagine you are also struggling some as well about your oldest being so unhappy and wanting to leave this earth. Thoughts?
I do think you could EASILY have your very own soap opera show! lol
Heidi
Wow! So this is some interesting news about Anna and Tim. Sounds like she cleared things up with him and he gets to deal with heartbreak now. Bummer for him, but good for you, right? I don’t think he knows, as I have told him otherwise when we spoke last about this Tell me what you said to him? What was the discussion about and who brought it up? Next time you want to be honest, but there are ways to do it so as not to put pressure on him etc. Remember, a guy needs a little encouragement to step into something.
Your vacay sounds like it was wonderful! I LOVE LOVE LOVE the mountains. I’m in Colorado, so I am surrounded by beauty. And a spa in the mountains with mom??? Spectacular! And festivals? You are kicking ass! I love that you are busy and social and making things happen in your life. It’s one of the things that really attracts a man. A man LOVES a woman who has a life and is busy and doesn’t wait around for him.
When are you going to see Tim again? Any set plans yet?Heidi
So you still have pretty strong feelings for him then. You might see him soon. Is he pretty hard to meet up with? Does he initiate hangouts with you or areH you the one making things happen? Do you think he knows how you feel about him?
It’s a great idea to color your hair just for a day to see how it feels. I think it’s actually gonna happen soon! How fun!!
Where did you go on your vacay?
Heidi
Hi Danielle,
Welcome to the forum! Your situation is definitely very confusing. I can see why you would be frustrated and having a really hard time.
May I ask your ages? I’m guessing he is in high school still and maybe you just graduated? It helps to know your age as it changes the guidance we offer.
He sounds very fickle, which is pretty typical in high school. So if I am understanding correctly, you have liked him for quite a long time, but you guys are just friends? He has never directly initiated anything romantic with you, correct?
You should be getting frustrated because you are not feeling valued and appreciated. Frustration is a GOOD sign that things are out of balance. The thing is, you accept it. You are teaching him how to treat you. Every time you play games with him in return, every time you accept his behavior of late canceling your plans, every time you share your feelings and accept his lack of effort to be a better friend…you are teaching him it’s okay to treat you this way. As much as you want to point the finger at him and blame him for how you are feeling, the truth is…you are saying yes to all of it. I know you are confronting him and letting him know your upsets, but ultimately, you are still his “friend” which is you saying yes to all of his behavior.
A person who has very high self respect will NOT accept being treated poorly. They will walk away if the poor treatment continues. What’s happening with you, is that you would rather stay connected to him and keep liking him, than to respect yourself and set come very clear boundaries or even end the friendship. He gets to be whomovever he wants to be. He gets to be fickle, he gets to not care, he gets to bail on your plans together…he gets to be all of that! You can either spend your energy trying to change him or you can accept that this is who he is for right now and he is not the kind of friend you want to have in your life.
I know this is much easier said than done though. You’ve had a crush on this guy for a looooong time and a lot of games are being played between you and him. It sounds like he does feel something towards you and is definitely connected to you somehow, but whatever that connection is, it isn’t enough to make him want to be in relationship with you and treat you like gold.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Blanca,
Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Are you still feeling more at peace and grounded in your choice? Are you completely moved out? How are your interactions??
Heidi
I understand how you feel.
For now, I would give some space for a bit. You have used the hero instinct 2x. You want to make sure you don’t overuse it because guys have a limit, especially when they know it’s being used to try and re-connect with them.
Do you think you can disconnect for 1 or 2 weeks? He needs to feel his life WITHOUT you. There is no way for him to feel the full consequences of his choice until he feels your absence. Then you can reach back out again, but let’s take one step at a time.
The challenge with these phrases and techniques in your particular situation, is that he has admitted to not having feelings for you. Whether that is actually true or not, doesn’t matter. If that is the story he is sticking to, these techniques will not have as much influence, because there is no momentum here.
How long are willing to work for this guy? It’s important that you get clear about this so you give yourself an ending. If he doesn’t respond by a certain date, you need to work on letting go and moving on with your life. Obviously if he does respond, then all is good! Let’s hope that is what will happen here!
Heidi
