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Hi Dawn,
Welcome to the forum! I can see why you would feel some confusion. It’s sooooo darn difficult to understand what is happening in the beginning of dating. Both people are constantly trying to interpret and navigate patterns, behaviors and habits. Dating is most difficult in the beginning.
First thing is, I want to encourage you to take a step back and slow down a bit. I know you are head over heels for this guy, but remember that you BARELY know him. All that is happening right now is a strong chemistry, but not a lot of real-world evidence that you guys will work well together as a couple. That takes time.
Second, do you know for sure he not dating anyone else? Is his profile inactive? Have you guys talked about being exclusive at all? I’m only asking this because dating online is a VERY different animal to deal with and it’s very easy to be dating more than 1 person at a time.
I understand your sensitivity to his change in pattern. There definitely seems to be something that is happening. Personally, I would just flat out ask. That’s my personality though. I would just say something like, “Hey…I just want to check in real quick about something. It feels like you are pulling back a little bit. (give an example) Do you feel like you want to slow things down a bit? Is there anything I have done that maybe bothered you?” Basically, I like to provide a safe space for someone to tell me something that may be difficult for them. Guys are not the best at communicating in general, so maybe you just bringing it up will help him open up. If he denies anything is “off” then continue to watch and notice.
No matter what your psychic says, what’s MORE important is that you pay attention to what is actually happening. Your psychic can only offer possibilities. Your guy is the ONLY one who can offer you the truth about what is going on for him. Would you be comfortable asking him directly? If not, let’s come up with another approach. Let me know your thoughts.
Heidi
Hi Nina,
Welcome! This is actually a great question. It’s not uncommon for people to interpret behaviors through social media. To be honest, I wouldn’t read anything into it. There is no way any of us can know why he likes or doesn’t like posts. I know you are searching for any signs that he might have feelings for you, but I would look for IN PERSON cues and not rely on social media to determine anything. The fact that you are feeling “ignored” would be something you want to look inside of yourself about. That’s a story you are putting on his behavior and you simply have no evidence or facts to support that. There could be many different stories about his behavior, so why is this particular story the one you are feeling? Is that something you felt growing up? Is that something you commonly have felt in your life?
What are your interactions like in person? Do you flirt with him? Are you sure he is single? Have you exchanged phone numbers? What kind of activities do you do together?
Heidi
Hi Aira,
Thank you for sharing your challenges with us! Let’s see if we can figure this one out.
First and foremost, you boyfriend is NOT correct. But his reasoning is it shouldn’t matter what time I go to sleep if I get 7-8 hrs of sleep. WHEN you sleep is crucial. The hours you sleep BEFORE midnight actually count as double, so going to bed by 10pm at the latest, will give you the highest quality of sleep. It’s better to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier than to go to bed late and wake up late. Everybody’s system is a bit different of course, but the quality of sleep a person gets is sooooo impactful in their lives on every single level. There is an incredible amount of research on this topic, so if you want to educate him a little better, check out youtube. I like Paul Chek as a resource. He is one of the top fitness/health coaches you can find. Ben Greenfield is also an incredible resource (I’ve been a Strength Coach for 20 years, so I know the health industry super well). They both offer a plethora of information about sleep along with every other topic you can imagine. They are super genius guys.
Second, educating him will help, but actually shouldn’t matter. I’m curious how you have presented your needs to him. If he is not listening, that is on YOU, not him. What is stopping you from saying something like, “I know you don’t like it, but it doesn’t change that this is what I need. Let’s figure something out that works for both of us.” You have stated your need to him, yet you are still talking to him that late. That is YOUR choice not to create a boundary. People cross boundaries all of time because it’s a soft boundary. There is no real line. It sounds like that is what is happening here between you guys. You haven’t set a REAL boundary, so why should he respect it? He wants what he wants and you are giving it to him.
I feel like after using the techniques in the book “his secret obsession” he became really obsessed. What do you mean by this? What is he becoming obsessed about and what is he doing that makes you feel like this?
Heidi
The reason I said that I wasn’t being myself is because this was not how I used to behave with my previous partners. Each person brings out a different side in us. So even though you didn’t behave this way previously, you behaved this way with this last guy. This last guy triggered your insecurities in a new way. Again, those insecurities DO NOT go away just because you are aware of them. I really want to encourage you to look more deeply into how you behaved. You WILL behave like this again unless you really connect to those insecure parts of you.
We had an amazing relationship and we were friends and lovers and we didn’t end in a bad way. I don’t understand what makes him treat me with this distance that it makes me feel like we are two strangers. You had an amazing relationship AND you didn’t. You are only looking at the positive here. You guys were arguing a lot and you were depending on him to make you feel happy. What I’m guessing is that he just reached his breaking point. Once that threshold is crossed, it can be VERY difficult to go back. The thing is, he will not walk back into the same design. He needs to know things will be different if there is even a chance. It sounds like he is still a little wounded and needs some time to recover, so I suggest you continue to give him space. I know it’s sooooooo hard not to text him. It will help if you journal about him. Imagine writing letters to him. Imagine telling him about how you feel. It’s really important to get all those feelings out so it doesn’t build up.
In about 3 to 4 weeks, you can write him a letter or text and send him a voicemail about what you have learned about yourself and that you apologize. Be specific, so he knows that you actually did learn something about yourself. Spend the next month, really digging up what was causing you to feel insecure. It’s NOT him. Those insecurities have been living in you for many years…he just happened to push the button.
You are going to need a lot of patience. You need to SHOW him that you have changed and that means giving him exactly what you don’t want to give him and that is space. No more asking to get back together, no more talk about relationship. If he reaches out, feel free to respond, but don’t reach out to him for 30 days.
How does this feel for you?
Heidi
I don’t mind him sleeping with other girls but I don’t want to be his friend with benefits. How come you don’t mind him sleeping with other girls?
I know that It will hurt me if he keeps sleeping with me and use me to find “the one” and leave me for her. Do you see how this is a contradictory statement to what you said above?
Bottom line is, you don’t want to be used by him. I’m glad you guys are talking, but it seems like you are heading more into the “friend” zone than getting back together. Does he know that you still have feelings for him? Does he know that you want to get back together?
Heidi
Hi Hannah,
Welcome to the forum. We are really glad you are here. It’s soooooo difficult to look back and see the “mistakes” you made to cause your partner to shut down. Is this a pattern of yours? Do you tend to need a lot of reassurance from your boyfriends or someone you are dating?
The thing is Hannah, you may have realized your mistakes, but your behavior isn’t going to necessarily change. You need for his reassurance all the time comes from a place deep inside of you full of insecurities. When you feel that insecurity, you are relying on him to make you feel better and that will NEVER last. It helps in the moment, but eventually you will need reassurance again and again and again. And from what you said about having stress outside of the relationship, it sounds like you put all your energy onto him. So once again, you are looking to him to make you feel better somehow. This type of behavior doesn’t just change because you are more aware of it. This kind of behavior comes from years of buildup and never feeling like you are enough. This kind of behavior comes from years and years of emotions and feelings that you have stuffed deep inside your heart and that’s what gets triggered with love. The truth is, no one is responsible for your happiness or feeling secure. That ultimately is your job. The reality is, even in marriage and the most healthy of relationships, there are MANY times your partner will let you down, hurt you and betray you etc. and vice versa. It’s just part of being human and if you rely on your partner to always take care of you and make sure you are happy, that’s a HUGE responsibility that eventually will cause a break, as you have just now experienced. You say you weren’t being yourself because of all the stress you were having, but that IS you. He experienced how you treated him when you were under stress and it eventually caused him to step away. We ALL have unhealthy patterns when stressed, so it’s important for you to really own your choices and how you treated him as that being a part of who you are and then learn how you can better deal with stress. Does this make sense?
With all of that being said, the place to start is looking at where you learned that you were not enough. Look at your relationships with your parents, siblings, teachers etc. and see if you can find where these insecurities began. We all have them and the best way to shift them is to find where it started. It will help empower you to make some true changes.
As far as your guy is concerned, he is going to need a break for a bit. You are going to need some patience. The love and connection you feel is not enough to have a healthy, balanced relationship. That takes skill. I know you have apologized, but what was his response? What do you guys talk about in your friendly chats? Is he initiating contact at all or are you doing all of the reaching out? I imagine he is officially done with school now, so what are his plans?
Heidi
Hi Alice,
Great questions! The thing is, I’m starting to see a possible pattern here, so I want to invite you to think about something. All your questions about “what if he….” Essentially, that line of questioning is you putting all your power into THEIR hands. The truth is, it doesn’t matter what A or R wants. What matters is what YOU want and need. You already said that you are not really interested in A, so why the questions about what you should do about him? You already know that for RIGHT NOW, you don’t want to step into anything, especially with someone that didn’t work well beforehand. So it’s simple…you keep him as a business partner and leave it at that. He will process his feelings for you and deal with his depression and loneliness on his own if he wishes to remain partners. You close the door on him.
As far as R is concerned, even if he all of a sudden “realizes” he wants to be with you, it doesn’t change who he actually is. It doesn’t change that his patterns and behaviors and allowing his emotions to lead his life, will have changed. He too is someone that is not able to offer you what you want and need.
Lastly, whatever happens in the future, you will deal with it then. There’s no need to figure out what you should do about anything until it actually happens. So for right now, your ONLY job is to close the door on R and process the loss of him. If, by chance, he decides to come back and fight for you, you will deal with it when that time comes. So stay present and deal with what is true TODAY. R is not available for what you want, you are not available to offer A what he wants, so where does that leave you? Simply put, it just leaves you in the spot you keep trying to avoid…you are single now and need to process the loss of R.
As far as meeting someone new, that’s inevitable. R will have to deal with that if he is going to remain your business partner. You don’t have the same feelings for him as he does you, so he has to process that and let you go, just as you have to let R go because he doesn’t feel for you, what you feel for him. You are on both sides of the coin right now, which is really interesting, isn’t it?
Thoughts?
Heidi
I’ve never heard you say you were uncomfortable with Dean. It doesn’t matter why, that’s all you need to pay attention to. He’s out!
Sounds like you have some good things planned. That ranch thing sounds interesting. I love history! I hope you have fun at the park and I hope that something amazing will turn up for you do Saturday. As long as you get out in nature somehow, your soul will sing. That’s so strange about your friend wanting to drive a separate car because of COVID, even though she got vaccinated. There are so many different responses to this who pandemic thing, it’s really fascinating. I’m sure sociologists are having a field day with all of this.
How soon do you think you might be able to switch jobs? Do you think it’s possible within the next month or so??? I sure hope your next job will bring you home. It would be so great for you to get to work from home for a while.
No plans for the 4th. Just dog sitting and a hike. My typical Sunday (without the extra dog).
Heidi
You have a motorcycle??? How fun!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE motorcycles but I’m also very aware of the accidents that typically occur. I’ve never known anyone who owned a motorcycle that hasn’t been in an accident at least once…and it’s mostly other drivers. But still, they are so much fun to ride!!!! How’s it going so far? Is it hard to learn how to ride one?
It sounds like the dynamics between you guys have changed which is good. It doesn’t sound like he wants FWB again either, so now you get to hang out and develop REAL bonding through having fun experiences together. You’ll know when and if you want to tell him how you feel. The right moment will happen and all of a sudden you find yourself admitting how you really feel. I know you don’t want to scare him off. The reality is, it’s always a risk and there will always be that chance. I had a guy profess his love for me, but he never pressured me into anything. We were friends for a while before and we remained friends for about a year after. Then one day (I remember the exact moment) I started having feelings for him. We dated about a year – he was my very first love. We still talk to this day (30 years later) because we were always friends first. So you never know how things will turn out.
The younger grades are so darn cute!!! They are going to say and do the funniest things and will make you laugh! They will also make you want to pull your hair out sometimes. I imagine the parents will be the hardest part of your job. I hear that from all the teachers I have worked with. The hardest is dealing with parents who are not good parents and operate from fear or control – and there will be nothing you can do about it. The child has to deal with it, but you can at least give that child an experience of love and acceptance for who they are and that will stay with them for the rest of their lives. You are in a very powerful position.
Heidi
Oh I’m so sorry! It’s was so terribly difficult for you to close the door in the first place, but to have him not fight for you and want to push that door back open, that just adds another level of hurt. You want him to fight for you, but all he did was wish you well on your journey. OUCH! I’m so sorry. It’s a really big reality check about how much he is not really invested in you. It hurts. I wish there were an easier way through this kind of pain. This pain is important to remember every time you want to go back to him or him come back to you. The pain can help protect you from investing in someone who doesn’t invest back. He is not worthy of your very precious and sacred heart. He did not care for it the way it needs to be cared for. He is not capable of that right now.
It’s going to hurt for a while. Keep crying and then when you are not crying, be VERY kind and compassionate towards yourself. Fill your house with flowers, go do fun things with your friends, watch funny videos, watch movies where there is a breakup and then a redemption (Under the Tuscan Sun), exercise, cook some of your favorite meals, go volunteer somewhere or find someone to help etc. Fill yourself up with things that nourish you. It will help you get through this really difficult time.
Keep coming here and venting. Feel free to use this platform sort of like a journal. Spyce and I can help you sift through the lies and stories you are telling yourself that causes the suffering. We can validate you, we can give you new stories to connect to and we can just support you. You are not alone in this. We have been through what you are feeling and are here to help!!!
Heidi
I’m soooo glad you made it back home safely. It sounds like you have the potential of some actual fun coming your way. Kayaking sounds wonderful!
I’m a bit behind on all your messages, so forgive me. If you are switching over to EPCM, does that mean you might be able to get a new job sometime soon?
Heidi
I have no doubt that he cares about you. It’s just not enough to create a healthy relationship with. He is quite wounded.
Yes, learning to trust your intuition more and more is such a great thing! I’m so sorry that you have to face letting him go. It’s not easy but hopefully, that peace you feel will continue to magnify and overrun your system so you don’t go back.
How about instead of waiting for him to write you, why not just say it now? Give your system that closure it needs so you can start to move forward. Waiting for him to reach out just means you are sitting and waiting to create closure and it’s dependent upon him. What would stop you from just sending him a short message today?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
You get to go home now!!! Yayayaya! Do you have any hikes planned? I know you’ll plan something to do in nature. How is Dean??? Are you guys going to meet up at all?
I haven’t read all of your posts, but generally it sounds like you are pretty miserable. I’m so sorry you are struggling so much. It’s awful when you don’t like where you are working or who you are working with. I’ve had to endure that a few times in my life and it’s just awful. I’m not surprised you are feeling depressed a lot. I know you have put some feelers out…anything come up? Do you have any other ways you can get out of there?
Heidi
Oh goodness! This guy is so darn confused and will stay that way as long as he keeps choosing to let his “feelings” run his life.
He says that he guides his actions by how it feels. If it feels good, then it is okay, and now he feels he needs to be in that context. This is actually someone with VERY HIGH child energy. This is where he is stuck emotionally. Children live and act and behave according to how they feel….adults do not. Adults KNOW when and how to put feelings aside and still do what needs to be done. Adults know they have to show up to work even if they don’t feel like it or they know not to drink and drive or they know how to budget their money. This is called impulse control and that exists only in adults, not children. So him living strictly by his feelings and believing that’s okay is all childish kind of thinking. You take that along with connecting with this woman and her son and he is being EXTREMELY irresponsible. He is causing quite a bit of damage to connect and bond in the way he is and then expecting he just be a “butterfly” and leave them when he “feels” like it. Yikes!!! He is only caring about himself and that’s it. He doesn’t truly care about him or you. He is not taking responsibility for any of his actions (which is what an adult would do) and how he is causing a lot of harm. It’s smart to get away from this guy. He will just continue to bring chaos and hurt as long as he believes it’s okay for him to live by how he feels. Feelings and emotions ARE NOT FACTS but that’s what he is turning his feelings into. The thing is, he gets to be like this. He has people willing to participate in this kind of design and they will get hurt by it, just as you are.
No need to write a letter. No need to give him anymore information. You can just make it super simple and say in a text or conversation or a letter if you want “It’s time for me to disconnect. This is not a design that works for me so it’s time for me to go. Take care.” That’s all you really need to say. The more you go into your feelings and how he is hurting you, the more you are opening yourself up to be hurt by him NOT caring that he is hurting you. So keep yourself protected. Love yourself enough to not be vulnerable and open with someone who doesn’t have the capacity to truly care about how he is affecting you. He hasn’t earned the right to hold your very sacred and personal feelings with care and love. He has abused that privilege quite a bit, so YOU need to guard your heart with someone like.
Thoughts?
Heidi
