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You have a motorcycle??? How fun!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE motorcycles but I’m also very aware of the accidents that typically occur. I’ve never known anyone who owned a motorcycle that hasn’t been in an accident at least once…and it’s mostly other drivers. But still, they are so much fun to ride!!!! How’s it going so far? Is it hard to learn how to ride one?
It sounds like the dynamics between you guys have changed which is good. It doesn’t sound like he wants FWB again either, so now you get to hang out and develop REAL bonding through having fun experiences together. You’ll know when and if you want to tell him how you feel. The right moment will happen and all of a sudden you find yourself admitting how you really feel. I know you don’t want to scare him off. The reality is, it’s always a risk and there will always be that chance. I had a guy profess his love for me, but he never pressured me into anything. We were friends for a while before and we remained friends for about a year after. Then one day (I remember the exact moment) I started having feelings for him. We dated about a year – he was my very first love. We still talk to this day (30 years later) because we were always friends first. So you never know how things will turn out.
The younger grades are so darn cute!!! They are going to say and do the funniest things and will make you laugh! They will also make you want to pull your hair out sometimes. I imagine the parents will be the hardest part of your job. I hear that from all the teachers I have worked with. The hardest is dealing with parents who are not good parents and operate from fear or control – and there will be nothing you can do about it. The child has to deal with it, but you can at least give that child an experience of love and acceptance for who they are and that will stay with them for the rest of their lives. You are in a very powerful position.
Heidi
Oh I’m so sorry! It’s was so terribly difficult for you to close the door in the first place, but to have him not fight for you and want to push that door back open, that just adds another level of hurt. You want him to fight for you, but all he did was wish you well on your journey. OUCH! I’m so sorry. It’s a really big reality check about how much he is not really invested in you. It hurts. I wish there were an easier way through this kind of pain. This pain is important to remember every time you want to go back to him or him come back to you. The pain can help protect you from investing in someone who doesn’t invest back. He is not worthy of your very precious and sacred heart. He did not care for it the way it needs to be cared for. He is not capable of that right now.
It’s going to hurt for a while. Keep crying and then when you are not crying, be VERY kind and compassionate towards yourself. Fill your house with flowers, go do fun things with your friends, watch funny videos, watch movies where there is a breakup and then a redemption (Under the Tuscan Sun), exercise, cook some of your favorite meals, go volunteer somewhere or find someone to help etc. Fill yourself up with things that nourish you. It will help you get through this really difficult time.
Keep coming here and venting. Feel free to use this platform sort of like a journal. Spyce and I can help you sift through the lies and stories you are telling yourself that causes the suffering. We can validate you, we can give you new stories to connect to and we can just support you. You are not alone in this. We have been through what you are feeling and are here to help!!!
Heidi
I’m soooo glad you made it back home safely. It sounds like you have the potential of some actual fun coming your way. Kayaking sounds wonderful!
I’m a bit behind on all your messages, so forgive me. If you are switching over to EPCM, does that mean you might be able to get a new job sometime soon?
Heidi
I have no doubt that he cares about you. It’s just not enough to create a healthy relationship with. He is quite wounded.
Yes, learning to trust your intuition more and more is such a great thing! I’m so sorry that you have to face letting him go. It’s not easy but hopefully, that peace you feel will continue to magnify and overrun your system so you don’t go back.
How about instead of waiting for him to write you, why not just say it now? Give your system that closure it needs so you can start to move forward. Waiting for him to reach out just means you are sitting and waiting to create closure and it’s dependent upon him. What would stop you from just sending him a short message today?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
You get to go home now!!! Yayayaya! Do you have any hikes planned? I know you’ll plan something to do in nature. How is Dean??? Are you guys going to meet up at all?
I haven’t read all of your posts, but generally it sounds like you are pretty miserable. I’m so sorry you are struggling so much. It’s awful when you don’t like where you are working or who you are working with. I’ve had to endure that a few times in my life and it’s just awful. I’m not surprised you are feeling depressed a lot. I know you have put some feelers out…anything come up? Do you have any other ways you can get out of there?
Heidi
Oh goodness! This guy is so darn confused and will stay that way as long as he keeps choosing to let his “feelings” run his life.
He says that he guides his actions by how it feels. If it feels good, then it is okay, and now he feels he needs to be in that context. This is actually someone with VERY HIGH child energy. This is where he is stuck emotionally. Children live and act and behave according to how they feel….adults do not. Adults KNOW when and how to put feelings aside and still do what needs to be done. Adults know they have to show up to work even if they don’t feel like it or they know not to drink and drive or they know how to budget their money. This is called impulse control and that exists only in adults, not children. So him living strictly by his feelings and believing that’s okay is all childish kind of thinking. You take that along with connecting with this woman and her son and he is being EXTREMELY irresponsible. He is causing quite a bit of damage to connect and bond in the way he is and then expecting he just be a “butterfly” and leave them when he “feels” like it. Yikes!!! He is only caring about himself and that’s it. He doesn’t truly care about him or you. He is not taking responsibility for any of his actions (which is what an adult would do) and how he is causing a lot of harm. It’s smart to get away from this guy. He will just continue to bring chaos and hurt as long as he believes it’s okay for him to live by how he feels. Feelings and emotions ARE NOT FACTS but that’s what he is turning his feelings into. The thing is, he gets to be like this. He has people willing to participate in this kind of design and they will get hurt by it, just as you are.
No need to write a letter. No need to give him anymore information. You can just make it super simple and say in a text or conversation or a letter if you want “It’s time for me to disconnect. This is not a design that works for me so it’s time for me to go. Take care.” That’s all you really need to say. The more you go into your feelings and how he is hurting you, the more you are opening yourself up to be hurt by him NOT caring that he is hurting you. So keep yourself protected. Love yourself enough to not be vulnerable and open with someone who doesn’t have the capacity to truly care about how he is affecting you. He hasn’t earned the right to hold your very sacred and personal feelings with care and love. He has abused that privilege quite a bit, so YOU need to guard your heart with someone like.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I understand. I imagine he might not be sure what he is feeling either. He may not be sure what he wants partly because he doesn’t know how you feel. How do you feel about having an honest conversation with him? What if you just simply said what you said here. You can say something like, “I’m confused and I need your help to understand what is happening. One minute you are flirty and talk about things that are very close between us and the next moment you are referring to me as your ex. I still have strong feelings for you and would like to give us another try, but I’m not sure how you feel about that…”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Heidi
I explored Colorado a lot more as well since Covid. I know here in the U.S. people started renting camper vans, trailers, RVs etc. and road trips became the new travel. That industry definitely made (and still is) a lot of money this past year. I had friends who searched EVERYWHERE trying to find an RV they could rent to go on a road trip and they couldn’t find one. It’s been interesting to see what industries completely benefited from the lockdown and what industries got really hurt.
Okay…so there’s a plan! And it sounds like he is a bit more connective. I think it’s wise not to read too much into it. You are just noticing a bit of a change, but you are not getting carried away about what it means. SMART!!!! What you need to be careful with, is if he ends up wanting to hook up again and starting up the friends with benefits thing again. Have you thought about that and what you would do?
Wow! A teacher! What ages are you most interested in? I will never forget my primary teachers. Other than 1 teacher, they were all spectacular and loved them! Primary teachers are so incredibly influential. It’s a tough job though. Teachers should be getting paid waaaaaay more considering the level of impact they have on this world. One more year to go! You’re almost done! It’s going to feel soooo good to have your own classroom and start your career.
Heidi
Hi Christian,
It’s great to hear from you again and get an update. Wow! A lot is happening. It sounds just as messy as ever though. I completely applaud you for really giving the no contact a chance. I understand that you still miss him and feel like you can’t get over him. Letting go of love takes time and it is quite painful.
Since you guys have reconnected again, what do you want? Do you want to get back into a relationship with him? It sounds like he is trying to make that happen somehow. Is that what you want?
Heidi
Hi Alice,
So how does this saving happen and for how long? Who knows. Every single person is different. What really determines something like this is his pain threshold. We all are able to handle and maintain certain levels of emotional pain and discomfort. Sometimes it’s that pain that actually keeps us connected to the situation. The higher the pain tolerance, the more unhealthy the person. The healthier the person (emotionally) the lower the pain tolerance they have. When someone is causing them harm, is not available, is not meeting their needs etc. they leave sooner than later and honor that the relationship just doesn’t work. Someone with higher pain tolerance will keep holding onto a situation and keep getting hurt over and over and over again. They will rationalize staying, they will choose connection with that person over self-love, they will keep trying to “fix” the situation somehow and they will keep trying to change the other person/situation in some way so they can keep staying in it. I’ve seen people do this for years, so there is no “average” amount of time for how long a person stays connected to an unhealthy situation.
His need to “help” the little boy is going to be a STRONG pull for him. I doubt he is conscious of why he is so connected to wanting to “save” the little boy, so that means he will most likely stay connected for a very long time. If he were conscious of the REAL reasons behind his choices, he could work with his own inner little boy and heal what is being triggered within him and approach this situation in a much more healthy way. He is not that type of guy though, so his need to keep “saving” is important for him. Who knows though…maybe he can find some healing from this. I’m sure that little boy helps him feel valuable and purposeful in his life.
How do you handle such a person with deep fear of commitment? You don’t. You let them have their fear. His fear is very important to him. It is more important than ANYTHING in his life and his drives a lot of his decisions. When fear is THAT strong, you stay out of the way and accept that you will always lose against his fear until he faces it. At this point, he is not in enough pain (he has a high pain tolerance) to make any changes to his life. So in a way, you leaving and completely disconnecting will increase the pain, which may be exactly what he needs to finally face his fears. Or…he may just bury the hurt and keep doing what he’s doing. Either way, if you are going to stay in his life, know that this is who he is and how he wants to live his life and he gets to be this way. You then get to decide how you want to interact with him. If you stay connected in hopes that he will eventually fight for you, that’s YOU having a higher pain tolerance and choosing connection with him over self-love. He cannot give you what you want right now. So when you are trying to decide what to do, the first and MOST IMPORTANT aspect is to choose self-love above anything or anyone else. A question I always like to ask is “Is it loving to me to…..” So do you feel it is loving towards yourself to stay connected to him? If you feel it is and you feel that’s a healthy choice for you, then stay connected! If not, then it’s times to disconnect completely and allow yourself the space to heal from the loss of him. After you feel healed and complete, you can come back into his life as a friend if you want…or not. Who knows how you will feel and how things will play out.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Linsey,
Wow! You really are incredibly strong to receive what I shared and resonate with it. You are very honest with yourself, which is a rare quality. I hope you know how strong you really are!
I totally get your pattern of always finding something that needs to be fixed. I too have this EXACT pattern. I’ll share with you what I have learned about it in myself in hopes something may resonate for you. First, it keeps me engaged on some level. I have A LOT of knowledge and finding something to “fix” keeps me entertained on some level. Second, I’m always working to never be fooled or misled, so I’m always looking for the worst in someone, so they will never surprise me or fool me by their choices. Third, there is a part of me always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don’t trust feeling happy for too long, so if I’m always finding something to “fix” so to speak, there is no shoe that’s going to drop on me, right? Do you resonate with any of these?? What else can you come up with as to why you have this pattern?
Truth is, it will ALWAYS be a pattern you will be dealing with. It’s okay! I just recognize when it shows up and then I work myself through it in a healthier way…and sometimes I don’t, but that’s just part of being human, right? The way I figure it, I’d rather have this kind of limiting pattern than other patterns that are really harmful, so I figure I’m doing pretty good!
Here is just something really simple to think about Linsey. Despite any unhealthy mindset you might have about this guy, it doesn’t change the FACTS that he is just not the type to grow, be introspective or face himself. You can ask any therapist, expert, specialist…if you have 2 people that are going to grow together, you HAVE TO HAVE 2 PEOPLE that participate. If 1 person doesn’t want to do the work, there’s not much you can really do about it…you gotta cut your losses. I’m just not sure this guy is someone who is willing to do the work. So you can stay and continue to work on yourself and keep trying to feel happy with him, or you can accept him for who he really is, embrace that he does NOT approach life the same way you do when it comes to stress or challenge and you love yourself enough to walk away. Just something to think about. Bottom line is, YOU are the only one who knows when you are ready to let go, so until then, you are someone who is still going to learn and grow and I think that’s fabulous. You cannot do anymore than that!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Thanks for the update! It sounds like everything went really well and it sounds like you are quite grounded despite you not getting what you really wanted. Wow! I have to say I’m impressed.
I am not sure where this stands on the border between intuition and wishful thinking, I get it. I run into those types of things all the time in my own life. You are doing exactly what needs to be done with it. Just stay present and in this moment and deal with WHAT IS. Wishful thinking or intuition…it doesn’t really matter, does it? If he shows up down the road (I wouldn’t be surprised if he did) or if you end up moving on – either way, your job is to stay present and each moment will take you on a journey.
Your list is fabulous!!! Not unrealistic at all. You bring all these things into a relationship, so why in the world would your “list” be less than what you bring to the table? It may be more difficult to find, but someone like you is a gem. Treat yourself as such and never settle for anything less than a relationship that makes you expand and soar to new heights. I like to encourage people to create their non-negotiable list. These are the qualities that you CANNOT live without in a relationship. EVERY SINGLE BOX NEEDS TO BE TICKED on your non-negotiable list in order for it to work. That’s the list you should be dating from. I have a whole course on this this, as it’s the most important part to understand about yourself BEFORE you invite someone into the most sacred part of your life. So step 1 is basically writing down EVERYTHING you want in a partner and then rate each quality 1-5. 1 being important and 5 being super, duper important. This is the beginning of understanding what you cannot live without. If you feel like going through this process, I’m happy to walk you through it.
If not, it sounds like you have a pretty good handle on what’s happening. I would agree in that timing and fear are the major factors in him being unavailable. It also sounds like he has some unfinished business of sorts and he needs to go rescue that little boy (he essentially is rescuing himself, right?).Thoughts?
Heidi
Good to hear from you! I’m glad that you are finding an attachment style that resonates for you. It’s just helpful to understand your reactions a bit more and then how you can manage your reactions in a more healthy way.
Let’s talk about this: I get the feeling he doesn’t realize these things are an issue and that everything is perfectly fine with him. He for example sees himself as a private person instead of someone who hides their deeper feelings. He gets to believe this about himself. If you REALLY think about it, you wanting to approach him about this, is you wanting him to be different so YOU can be happier and not have to break up with him. It is NOT about you accepting him for exactly who he is. If he were a curious person, if he were someone who wanted to know and understand himself deeper, he would have done it by now. He is just not that guy. He has rationalized that he is just a “private” person and he feels okay about being that. Who are you to come and tell him differently and try to wake him up to a deeper level of truth? Is he asking for that?? Nope. He is not interested in knowing himself this way. Besides, it’s soooooo much more powerful for people to discover these “truths” for themselves instead of having someone else point it out for them.
I know I cannot fix him or play his therapist, but there’s a difference between trying to make someone aware of what is going/how it affects me and actually trying to get his issues fixed You “making him aware” IS being his therapist. You put yourself in the role of “I am an expert on you and I’m going to tell you how your issues are affecting me.” So then what? Let’s say you do bring this to his attention…then what? Are you expecting him to change??? The behaviors he is displaying are deeply rooted, which means nothing is going to really permanently change until he deals with the deeper causes of why he is so emotionally unavailable. So then you will just end up back at square 1 at some point, with him keeping a big wall between you guys, you chasing after him and you feeling rejected a lot. The bottom line is, you want him to care about you by changing how he lives his life, because it’s the only way you can continue to stay. Do you really think that’s fair? He could say the same thing about you and wish for YOU to change to more suit his needs. He may feel you are too needy or too emotional or too fragile or you take things too personally. Is that fair to you for him to want you to change those things about yourself???
Thoughts?
Heidi
You call it a fantasy, I call it a retreat, because that is how I felt in the countryside with nature around, very few people and him fully present for me. Gosh, this sounds like perfection all around! Retreats ARE fantasies on some level. It’s not a way of living that is sustainable….hence “retreat.” It’s just meant to be a temporary experience, right?
I see no reason for it to end. I somewhat seem to be able to open up with A in ways I was not able with other men, so, yes, looks like this is what keeps me interested / hooked. Is this not ok? You need to do whatever feels good for you. There are 2 paths you can take…stay in it or get out. Either path has MANY lessons to learn, consequences, gifts and experiences. Either path will bring growth. One path may end up being more painful than the other, but that’s what growth is inspired by, right? So either way, it’s not about a right or wrong, good or bad choice…it’s just about choosing which kind of experience you want to have and then going on an adventure.
I think the best thing you can do for right now, is to stay VERY aware of yourself. You are stepping into a new relationship without having allowed yourself time to grieve the last one. A feels so good for you….like drinking a fresh glass of water after having been thirsty for such a long period of time. Anytime we experience that kind of relief, it can make us feel and think things that are not quite reality. Meaning, you might feel “this is the best water I have ever tasted in my life!” but in reality, the water is tap water, full of all kinds of chemicals and metals and is actually toxic to the body, but it’s the best water ever just because you are soooooo dam thirsty and it is releiveing the pain. So it’s good to try and keep as much perspective as possible of all the dynamics that could be at play here and just keep an eye on yourself, your expectations, your needs, your wants and what you start to create with A. I know you are going to meet and have a talk with him, so obviously you will learn what his mindset is as well.
Looking forward to an update and hearing how lunch went!
Heidi
You live in Switzerland??? Wow! I have been there 1 time years ago and loved it. I’ve watched a handful of shows about Switzerland as it is the kind of nature that I LOVE! The mountains there are fantastic and breathtaking!!! Living in Colorado is about as close as you can get to the Swiss Alps and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t appreciate the beauty I am surrounded by. It sounds like you really appreciate your home as well!
It makes total sense why you said what you said to Tim at the time. Now that he has gotten a reality check about Anna and that she is not a possibility, he may be more available soon. He has to let his bruised ego heal for a bit, but after that, who knows! I’m glad you guys are still talking at least and you are going hiking soon. I’m sure if you were a bit flirty, he may respond on some level. We shall see! I can’t wait to hear how it all goes!
What do you do for work?
Heidi
