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Hi Sono,
Wow! This is REALLY confusing! You BOTH are sending so many mixed messages to each other.
I think the MOST important thing here is for you to get VERY clear about what you want. You are sending a lot of mixed messages which will add to the confusion of the whole situation. Once YOU get clear about what you want and need, which is all you have control over, then the situation with him will be become more clear.
Have you ever been in a polyamorous situation before? Has he? I’m not entirely convinced that this is the situation you want with him. Maybe you are willing to do something like this just so you can keep connecting with him? It sounds like what you most want is to feel special and important and a priority. Yes?
Heidi
Hi Hannah,
I know how difficult this is for you. It is so incredibly hard (especially for us females) to support our guy in giving them space. It’s a disconnection and that is the most painful thing for most women to deal with. Men deal with it so much better! Here is why….this is a BIG difference between the core of who men are and who women are: part of the core of a man’s self-esteem is driven by his ability to PRODUCE. A man needs to MAKE something in this world. That’s why a lot of stay at home dads will start home projects of some sort or find a way to produce something. If you take away a man’s ability to produce (i.e. he loses his job) he will fall to pieces. For women, the core of our self-esteem comes from CONNECTION. Relationships are the most important source for us, so that’s why stay at home moms are much more comfortable just being in relationship with the children, other moms, teachers etc. We are sourcing our natural, innate desires to CONNECT. So for a woman, to disconnect from someone they deeply care, is TORTURE! It goes against everything that is natural for us. Men still struggle of course, but not in the same way a woman does. We are the natural caretakers of relationships.
So be patient with yourself and REALLY nurture yourself right now. Be the caretaker of relationship with yourself. This 30 days can be REALLY good for you. By strengthening your self love and connection to your SELF, you will be that much more solid and strong to get him back and be able to SHOW him that you have made some changes for the better. A healthy man LOVES LOVES LOVES a woman who really cares for herself deeply. So what kinds of things are you willing to do to help yourself through this?? What can you do for self love?
Heidi
Hi Tifanny,
Wow! This is a tough situation. To connect with someone, then have them walk away and then have them walk back in and then walk away AGAIN! Ouch!
My guess is, this guy has a deep fear of intimacy. He wants to be intimate and close, but then when he actually starts to get what he wants, his emotional system shuts down and dampens the “spark” that was originally there. If this is true, he would have no control over this. Do you know about his relationship history? What was his relationship like with his parents? If I were his coach, I would be looking at the baggage he is carrying and where he sabotages his happiness in life and love. The way to deal with this kind of coping mechanism, or any coping mechanism for that matter, is to step into it and connect with the fear, the lies, and the limiting beliefs around love. Until he does that, he will never allow himself to truly be happy. He may allow it for a period of time, but all of a sudden, he will hit a brick wall and his feelings will shut off or he will sabotage in some other way. Then add on top of that a cancer diagnosis…yikes! He is going to be in survival mode. It sounds like his mechanism is to go to through life alone and not allow anyone in. Does he have any close friends and family that are able to help him through this scary time??
Thoughts?
Heidi
wowow! okay…you and Tim are becoming really good friends! It sounds like he is really opening up to you in a very unique way. Women can provide that for men in a very unique way. You are providing a very safe space for him to open up. AND…the experience you guys had together was PERFECT because challenges like that are very bonding. You guys were in a stressful situation and you both handled it with as much ease as possible.
Is that hut there for that exact reason? It’s so strange that there was food there. Is that a thing you guys have there where huts have food and water so people who get stranded will be okay? That’s so interesting! Who replaces the food and water??? How did you cook? was there electricity?
I’m glad you didn’t go to his mattress and paid attention to your intuition. Well done! I bet he respects you more for that now. I’m thinking you are drawing him in, in a way that he doesn’t even realize yet.
Dave is going to be jealous for a while. It’s probably best not to hang out for a bit, so he can really let you go. You were already clear about your intentions, so there really is nothing more to say. It doesn’t change his feelings for you, but of course, just like you and Tim…the more you hang out, the more you end up liking him and Dave will feel the same about you.
So tell me, after this little adventure, what made you like him more?
Are you still thinking about coloring your hair??
Heidi
How do you do that? 😂 I understand what you say, but I do tend to anticipate a lot – I am a good planner. Sometimes it is good, sometimes I end up worrying for “possible” outcomes Great question! It’s a tough one! There is a different between being a planner and being controlling. Planning is great and helpful, but if it prevents you from being able to also go with the flow, it become detrimental. Ultimately, it’s ALL about control in the end. The thing about love and relationships is that it’s where we have the least amount of control. The other person is going to do whatever they do and it IS going to affect us. It sucks, but it’s just what relationships are. So the truth is, you don’t have control, so that’s what you have to really come to terms with and the place you will find freedom from your anxiety. Maybe this will help….ultimately it comes down to you and trust. We tend to put our trust in other people that they will behave and act in certain ways to align with what we need. The trouble is, that trust will break many times over. So what do we do then? We trust ourselves. A deep trust in yourself means you carry this belief “I trust that no matter what this person does or says, I will be okay. I trust in my strength. I trust in my resilience. I trust that I am resourceful and I trust that I will heal.” When you have DEEP trust in yourself, that will NEVER change. That trust is what will counter the anxiety. When the anxiety (fear) shows up, you remind yourself, “No matter what shows up or what happens, I will be okay” and when you actually can FEEL that and BELIEVE that about yourself, you can face anything. It doesn’t mean that anxiety won’t show up, because it’s just part of our human experience. It instead means that you can be okay being anxious because “You got this.” Does this make sense?
How do you identify your needs? By listening to how you feel in a context/ being more aware of the signals of the body? Could this not voicing my needs be linked to a fear of confrontation/ fear of loss of a relationship? You identify your needs by paying attention to your desires. Your needs will show up when you feel hurt, anxious, depressed etc. If you stop for a moment and recognize you have unmet needs (which is why these emotions show up), you can ask yourself, what do I need right now? Once you identify what you need, then you can get creative about how to meet that need/s. Ideally, you figure out ways to meet your needs on your own FIRST before you reach out to anyone else for help. This is how you get to know yourself REALLY well and become the primary source of your well being. When you practice identifying and meeting your own needs, you become and attract a much healthier partner and relationship. Does this make sense?? It’s much easier said than done and there is A LOT to say on this topic. I’m just scratching the surface here, so I hope to continue talking about this.
Oh…and yes…typically not voicing your needs is connected to your fear of being rejected. Someone taught you that your needs were not okay. Can you identify where this fear may come from?I need to get used to the thought that I am single, after 7 years. I feel it was a scary thought. 😂 This is a great example. You have this scary thought. In this scary thought lives a need. What’s the scary thought? Can you trace it to a need you have?
Heidi
Holy smokes!!!! What an adventure! I can’t believe you guys went through all of that! So what are your thoughts? That’s a pretty intimate way to spend the evening. Do you like him even more now? Were you flirty at all? He offered for you to come to his mattress. Did you do it???
I love that you guys can hang like that together. What did he say about Anna??
Man…you probably need MANY years of classes on how to learn to deal with difficult parents!
Heidi
Hi Dawn,
Welcome to the forum! I can see why you would feel some confusion. It’s sooooo darn difficult to understand what is happening in the beginning of dating. Both people are constantly trying to interpret and navigate patterns, behaviors and habits. Dating is most difficult in the beginning.
First thing is, I want to encourage you to take a step back and slow down a bit. I know you are head over heels for this guy, but remember that you BARELY know him. All that is happening right now is a strong chemistry, but not a lot of real-world evidence that you guys will work well together as a couple. That takes time.
Second, do you know for sure he not dating anyone else? Is his profile inactive? Have you guys talked about being exclusive at all? I’m only asking this because dating online is a VERY different animal to deal with and it’s very easy to be dating more than 1 person at a time.
I understand your sensitivity to his change in pattern. There definitely seems to be something that is happening. Personally, I would just flat out ask. That’s my personality though. I would just say something like, “Hey…I just want to check in real quick about something. It feels like you are pulling back a little bit. (give an example) Do you feel like you want to slow things down a bit? Is there anything I have done that maybe bothered you?” Basically, I like to provide a safe space for someone to tell me something that may be difficult for them. Guys are not the best at communicating in general, so maybe you just bringing it up will help him open up. If he denies anything is “off” then continue to watch and notice.
No matter what your psychic says, what’s MORE important is that you pay attention to what is actually happening. Your psychic can only offer possibilities. Your guy is the ONLY one who can offer you the truth about what is going on for him. Would you be comfortable asking him directly? If not, let’s come up with another approach. Let me know your thoughts.
Heidi
Hi Nina,
Welcome! This is actually a great question. It’s not uncommon for people to interpret behaviors through social media. To be honest, I wouldn’t read anything into it. There is no way any of us can know why he likes or doesn’t like posts. I know you are searching for any signs that he might have feelings for you, but I would look for IN PERSON cues and not rely on social media to determine anything. The fact that you are feeling “ignored” would be something you want to look inside of yourself about. That’s a story you are putting on his behavior and you simply have no evidence or facts to support that. There could be many different stories about his behavior, so why is this particular story the one you are feeling? Is that something you felt growing up? Is that something you commonly have felt in your life?
What are your interactions like in person? Do you flirt with him? Are you sure he is single? Have you exchanged phone numbers? What kind of activities do you do together?
Heidi
Hi Aira,
Thank you for sharing your challenges with us! Let’s see if we can figure this one out.
First and foremost, you boyfriend is NOT correct. But his reasoning is it shouldn’t matter what time I go to sleep if I get 7-8 hrs of sleep. WHEN you sleep is crucial. The hours you sleep BEFORE midnight actually count as double, so going to bed by 10pm at the latest, will give you the highest quality of sleep. It’s better to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier than to go to bed late and wake up late. Everybody’s system is a bit different of course, but the quality of sleep a person gets is sooooo impactful in their lives on every single level. There is an incredible amount of research on this topic, so if you want to educate him a little better, check out youtube. I like Paul Chek as a resource. He is one of the top fitness/health coaches you can find. Ben Greenfield is also an incredible resource (I’ve been a Strength Coach for 20 years, so I know the health industry super well). They both offer a plethora of information about sleep along with every other topic you can imagine. They are super genius guys.
Second, educating him will help, but actually shouldn’t matter. I’m curious how you have presented your needs to him. If he is not listening, that is on YOU, not him. What is stopping you from saying something like, “I know you don’t like it, but it doesn’t change that this is what I need. Let’s figure something out that works for both of us.” You have stated your need to him, yet you are still talking to him that late. That is YOUR choice not to create a boundary. People cross boundaries all of time because it’s a soft boundary. There is no real line. It sounds like that is what is happening here between you guys. You haven’t set a REAL boundary, so why should he respect it? He wants what he wants and you are giving it to him.
I feel like after using the techniques in the book “his secret obsession” he became really obsessed. What do you mean by this? What is he becoming obsessed about and what is he doing that makes you feel like this?
Heidi
The reason I said that I wasn’t being myself is because this was not how I used to behave with my previous partners. Each person brings out a different side in us. So even though you didn’t behave this way previously, you behaved this way with this last guy. This last guy triggered your insecurities in a new way. Again, those insecurities DO NOT go away just because you are aware of them. I really want to encourage you to look more deeply into how you behaved. You WILL behave like this again unless you really connect to those insecure parts of you.
We had an amazing relationship and we were friends and lovers and we didn’t end in a bad way. I don’t understand what makes him treat me with this distance that it makes me feel like we are two strangers. You had an amazing relationship AND you didn’t. You are only looking at the positive here. You guys were arguing a lot and you were depending on him to make you feel happy. What I’m guessing is that he just reached his breaking point. Once that threshold is crossed, it can be VERY difficult to go back. The thing is, he will not walk back into the same design. He needs to know things will be different if there is even a chance. It sounds like he is still a little wounded and needs some time to recover, so I suggest you continue to give him space. I know it’s sooooooo hard not to text him. It will help if you journal about him. Imagine writing letters to him. Imagine telling him about how you feel. It’s really important to get all those feelings out so it doesn’t build up.
In about 3 to 4 weeks, you can write him a letter or text and send him a voicemail about what you have learned about yourself and that you apologize. Be specific, so he knows that you actually did learn something about yourself. Spend the next month, really digging up what was causing you to feel insecure. It’s NOT him. Those insecurities have been living in you for many years…he just happened to push the button.
You are going to need a lot of patience. You need to SHOW him that you have changed and that means giving him exactly what you don’t want to give him and that is space. No more asking to get back together, no more talk about relationship. If he reaches out, feel free to respond, but don’t reach out to him for 30 days.
How does this feel for you?
Heidi
I don’t mind him sleeping with other girls but I don’t want to be his friend with benefits. How come you don’t mind him sleeping with other girls?
I know that It will hurt me if he keeps sleeping with me and use me to find “the one” and leave me for her. Do you see how this is a contradictory statement to what you said above?
Bottom line is, you don’t want to be used by him. I’m glad you guys are talking, but it seems like you are heading more into the “friend” zone than getting back together. Does he know that you still have feelings for him? Does he know that you want to get back together?
Heidi
Hi Hannah,
Welcome to the forum. We are really glad you are here. It’s soooooo difficult to look back and see the “mistakes” you made to cause your partner to shut down. Is this a pattern of yours? Do you tend to need a lot of reassurance from your boyfriends or someone you are dating?
The thing is Hannah, you may have realized your mistakes, but your behavior isn’t going to necessarily change. You need for his reassurance all the time comes from a place deep inside of you full of insecurities. When you feel that insecurity, you are relying on him to make you feel better and that will NEVER last. It helps in the moment, but eventually you will need reassurance again and again and again. And from what you said about having stress outside of the relationship, it sounds like you put all your energy onto him. So once again, you are looking to him to make you feel better somehow. This type of behavior doesn’t just change because you are more aware of it. This kind of behavior comes from years of buildup and never feeling like you are enough. This kind of behavior comes from years and years of emotions and feelings that you have stuffed deep inside your heart and that’s what gets triggered with love. The truth is, no one is responsible for your happiness or feeling secure. That ultimately is your job. The reality is, even in marriage and the most healthy of relationships, there are MANY times your partner will let you down, hurt you and betray you etc. and vice versa. It’s just part of being human and if you rely on your partner to always take care of you and make sure you are happy, that’s a HUGE responsibility that eventually will cause a break, as you have just now experienced. You say you weren’t being yourself because of all the stress you were having, but that IS you. He experienced how you treated him when you were under stress and it eventually caused him to step away. We ALL have unhealthy patterns when stressed, so it’s important for you to really own your choices and how you treated him as that being a part of who you are and then learn how you can better deal with stress. Does this make sense?
With all of that being said, the place to start is looking at where you learned that you were not enough. Look at your relationships with your parents, siblings, teachers etc. and see if you can find where these insecurities began. We all have them and the best way to shift them is to find where it started. It will help empower you to make some true changes.
As far as your guy is concerned, he is going to need a break for a bit. You are going to need some patience. The love and connection you feel is not enough to have a healthy, balanced relationship. That takes skill. I know you have apologized, but what was his response? What do you guys talk about in your friendly chats? Is he initiating contact at all or are you doing all of the reaching out? I imagine he is officially done with school now, so what are his plans?
Heidi
Hi Alice,
Great questions! The thing is, I’m starting to see a possible pattern here, so I want to invite you to think about something. All your questions about “what if he….” Essentially, that line of questioning is you putting all your power into THEIR hands. The truth is, it doesn’t matter what A or R wants. What matters is what YOU want and need. You already said that you are not really interested in A, so why the questions about what you should do about him? You already know that for RIGHT NOW, you don’t want to step into anything, especially with someone that didn’t work well beforehand. So it’s simple…you keep him as a business partner and leave it at that. He will process his feelings for you and deal with his depression and loneliness on his own if he wishes to remain partners. You close the door on him.
As far as R is concerned, even if he all of a sudden “realizes” he wants to be with you, it doesn’t change who he actually is. It doesn’t change that his patterns and behaviors and allowing his emotions to lead his life, will have changed. He too is someone that is not able to offer you what you want and need.
Lastly, whatever happens in the future, you will deal with it then. There’s no need to figure out what you should do about anything until it actually happens. So for right now, your ONLY job is to close the door on R and process the loss of him. If, by chance, he decides to come back and fight for you, you will deal with it when that time comes. So stay present and deal with what is true TODAY. R is not available for what you want, you are not available to offer A what he wants, so where does that leave you? Simply put, it just leaves you in the spot you keep trying to avoid…you are single now and need to process the loss of R.
As far as meeting someone new, that’s inevitable. R will have to deal with that if he is going to remain your business partner. You don’t have the same feelings for him as he does you, so he has to process that and let you go, just as you have to let R go because he doesn’t feel for you, what you feel for him. You are on both sides of the coin right now, which is really interesting, isn’t it?
Thoughts?
Heidi
I’ve never heard you say you were uncomfortable with Dean. It doesn’t matter why, that’s all you need to pay attention to. He’s out!
Sounds like you have some good things planned. That ranch thing sounds interesting. I love history! I hope you have fun at the park and I hope that something amazing will turn up for you do Saturday. As long as you get out in nature somehow, your soul will sing. That’s so strange about your friend wanting to drive a separate car because of COVID, even though she got vaccinated. There are so many different responses to this who pandemic thing, it’s really fascinating. I’m sure sociologists are having a field day with all of this.
How soon do you think you might be able to switch jobs? Do you think it’s possible within the next month or so??? I sure hope your next job will bring you home. It would be so great for you to get to work from home for a while.
No plans for the 4th. Just dog sitting and a hike. My typical Sunday (without the extra dog).
Heidi
