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Yes, it’s noticeable when you are home vs. out at work. I feel ya though. Without the mountains and the beauty, I would fall apart. I know EXACTLY how you feel. There are just those of us that are really connected to this earth and our environment matters A LOT. It’s just how we are made and that’s okay! It’s important for you to understand about yourself, as it’s part of keeping your spirit alive and balanced. I wish there were a job that could keep you home so you could fill your spirit DAILY with the soul food of the mountains.
Dean just doesn’t do it for you and that’s okay too. Doesn’t matter why, he just doesn’t. He seems to be a bit awkward in himself from how you describe him and someone like that will never capture your attention. You need someone much more confident and solid on the inside. Dean is not that person.
Oh that’s a bummer about Travis. That is still an acceptable GPA. It’s a B average so to speak, which is still really good in my opinion. He will figure it out. They always do, in some way or another. The guy I know is not in the biology field at all, so he probably can’t help.
Heidi
Hi Jimeko,
Welcome! It sounds like there was a lot of gossiping going on. It sounds like he warned you that he did not want to participate in that anymore and then you gossiped to him again and that’s when he left. I don’t know what was going on with that other couple and why you guys were so mixed up with them, but it sounds like your guy reached his limit and walked away.
One of the ways you can get him back is to shift what was happening. Have you apologized? Are you able to stop gossiping? Can you set boundaries with that other couple so you guys are not creating drama with them anymore? How long has it been since you heard from him?
Heidi
Hi Nina,
I guess at what people are thinking and feeling a lot too. The trick is, to turn it into a fun game instead of using it to determine your choices. It’s a guessing game, that’s all. And it can actually be fun if you let it be.
I’m glad to hear there is a little flirting happening. Maybe turn it up a bit? Guys sometimes need more encouragement to take things to the next level. Is that something you are comfortable doing?
As far as the hero instinct thing, let’s break this down a bit more. I am extremely independent as well, but also SUPER cozy receiving help from everyone. I’m wondering if your perception of letting the guy be your “hero” might be a bit tainted. So talk to me about that. What is difficult about it for you? I know you are not used to it, but it’s because you aren’t asking for help. What stops you from asking for help?
Heidi
Hi Cindy!
We are happy to help!
First, I love that you are getting a lot of attention! It feels good doesn’t it?
Second, keep yourself grounded and balanced. Meeting 3 men in 1 weekend is A LOT! Many people do this, because they can, but more often than not, I hear from them how exhausting it actually is. By the time they get to the last person, they are not at their best. You will learn what feels good for you. You want to make sure you are at your best each time.
Let’s deal with your profile first. Feel free to post what you say about yourself here and then we can go through it. I always coach people to write as if they are speaking to their person. General rules are: do not talk about what you don’t want, only talk about what excites you, motivates you and keeps you engaged in your life. Stories/visuals attract a lot of attention. So instead of saying “I love hiking” you would say “Sunday is my day to hike. I love waking up around 5am and getting to a trailhead by 6:30 and starting my morning smelling the pine needles, hearing the rush of the water and starting the day with chirping birds.” Most people just write a profile that describes themselves through characteristics. As you are experiencing I’m sure, it gets boring after a while reading the same kind of profile over and over again. When someone writes about themselves differently, it catches your attention, right? So that’s why stories/visuals will help the gentleman to pay closer attention. Another way to describe yourself that is different is explaining scenarios. So for example, let’s say you are quite the socialite and love to go out. Instead of saying that, you could say “I would choose going out to a nice restaurant with friends sitting next to a fire and having a great conversation, over staying at home watching a movie.” “A perfect evening at home might include doing a puzzle mixed in with a possible food fight.” Do you see how you are explaining your personality in creative ways that are more visual? It engages someone’s emotions. Does this make sense? So when you write your profile, you want to explain the MOST IMPORTANT things about yourself that keep you balanced and in a way that would catch someone’s attention to notice that you are a bit different. So when you think about those aspects of your life that are THE MOST IMPORTANT for keeping you balanced and happy, what are they? For me, it’s dogs, hiking, walking, exercising, eating healthy, dancing, watching good movies. So those are things I would mention in my profile as these are the ways I keep my life balanced and always have. These are activities that I want my guy to enjoy WITH me, so that is what I emphasize in my profile. That’s one way to kind of “target” who is attracted to you.
Does this help?
Heidi
What a cool thing you guys have going there with the huts! Living in Colorado, I have never heard of that, but is definitely something that would be a smart thing to add to this countreyside! I can’t imagine how many people have died from not have shelter/food etc.
Since your adventure together, is he connecting more? That’s a pretty bonding experience and he got to feel a friendship with you. I’m wondering if it brought him a bit closer to you. It makes sense why you like him even more now. He sounds very caring and very aware and connected to you. That is soooooo important. It sounds like you feel very safe with him as well. I LOVE that! I am loving you guys together more and more. It sounds like you guys just flow really well together. It’s not hard to be around each other. It’s easy and effortless, even in the middle of a pretty challenging experience with the hike. I know you say it wasn’t that big of a deal, but for many people, that would have been sooooo stressful…but not for you guys! And that is so important to know about each other.
Make sure you remind him about the ice cream!
Did you decide on what color red you want to do?
Heidi
Hi Cindy! Welcome! First, let me validate your experience. Online dating IS exhausting. EVERYONE feels that way, so you are not alone. I always coach people to have SPECIFIC goals when dating online and there truly is an art to creating an effective profile along with knowing how to filter through other people’s profiles. It tough! So hang in there! I sure don’t blame you for wanting to take a break. People do that all the time.
I always tell people to make sure that they have plenty of energy and are in a really good place mentally and spiritually before they go online, because it can be draining. There is a lot of confusion, drama, ghosting, games and rejection. So again, you feeling tired is VERY NORMAL.
Second, you said “that’s a lot.” It’s funny because your VERY SHORT explanation is FAR from a lot, but you making that statement is a typical perspective of someone who is used to caring for others all the time. The moment you have the opportunity to share about yourself, it feels like you are saying a TON, but in reality, you are barely saying anything. You are just not used to being the center of attention and that will definitely carry over into relationship. You are comfortable being the caretaker, but if you also want to be taken care of, YOU HAVE TO BE COMFORTABLE being the center of attention. Does this make sense?
I would definitely run from this guy you explained in the first paragraph. There are a TON of red flags, so let this one go.
Do you want to continue with the dating app? We are happy to help you and support you and can offer tips on what to say in your profile.
Heidi
Hi Hannah,
We’ve been talking in your other thread, so I’m not sure why you posted here. Maybe you were hoping to get a different answer than what I have given you? I”m happy to connect with Spyce, our other coach, and have her share her thoughts with you. Would you like that?
Heidi
Man…I live for your trips back home too! You are so much more happy when you are there. Even though Sarnia sucks, at least with this job, you get to go back home every once in awhile. I sure hope your transfer happens soon!!! Hopefully, it will be a better place than where you are at now.
Remind me about what kind of work Travis is looking for?? I know someone in Pheonix that has lived there his whole life. Maybe he can help in some way.
I understand wanting to give up dating. It’s okay. When you have the energy again, you’ll step back into it. Dean is totally crushing on you! Do you not see it? It’s really not that confusing. He is trying to give you hints in hopes that you will respond, but you’re not responding, so he will keep trying in his very subtle awkward way. It’s tough for guys!!!
It was a good doggie visit. Peaceful and easy and full of laughs, which is always what I’m aiming for.
Heidi
Hi Sono,
Wow! This is REALLY confusing! You BOTH are sending so many mixed messages to each other.
I think the MOST important thing here is for you to get VERY clear about what you want. You are sending a lot of mixed messages which will add to the confusion of the whole situation. Once YOU get clear about what you want and need, which is all you have control over, then the situation with him will be become more clear.
Have you ever been in a polyamorous situation before? Has he? I’m not entirely convinced that this is the situation you want with him. Maybe you are willing to do something like this just so you can keep connecting with him? It sounds like what you most want is to feel special and important and a priority. Yes?
Heidi
Hi Hannah,
I know how difficult this is for you. It is so incredibly hard (especially for us females) to support our guy in giving them space. It’s a disconnection and that is the most painful thing for most women to deal with. Men deal with it so much better! Here is why….this is a BIG difference between the core of who men are and who women are: part of the core of a man’s self-esteem is driven by his ability to PRODUCE. A man needs to MAKE something in this world. That’s why a lot of stay at home dads will start home projects of some sort or find a way to produce something. If you take away a man’s ability to produce (i.e. he loses his job) he will fall to pieces. For women, the core of our self-esteem comes from CONNECTION. Relationships are the most important source for us, so that’s why stay at home moms are much more comfortable just being in relationship with the children, other moms, teachers etc. We are sourcing our natural, innate desires to CONNECT. So for a woman, to disconnect from someone they deeply care, is TORTURE! It goes against everything that is natural for us. Men still struggle of course, but not in the same way a woman does. We are the natural caretakers of relationships.
So be patient with yourself and REALLY nurture yourself right now. Be the caretaker of relationship with yourself. This 30 days can be REALLY good for you. By strengthening your self love and connection to your SELF, you will be that much more solid and strong to get him back and be able to SHOW him that you have made some changes for the better. A healthy man LOVES LOVES LOVES a woman who really cares for herself deeply. So what kinds of things are you willing to do to help yourself through this?? What can you do for self love?
Heidi
Hi Tifanny,
Wow! This is a tough situation. To connect with someone, then have them walk away and then have them walk back in and then walk away AGAIN! Ouch!
My guess is, this guy has a deep fear of intimacy. He wants to be intimate and close, but then when he actually starts to get what he wants, his emotional system shuts down and dampens the “spark” that was originally there. If this is true, he would have no control over this. Do you know about his relationship history? What was his relationship like with his parents? If I were his coach, I would be looking at the baggage he is carrying and where he sabotages his happiness in life and love. The way to deal with this kind of coping mechanism, or any coping mechanism for that matter, is to step into it and connect with the fear, the lies, and the limiting beliefs around love. Until he does that, he will never allow himself to truly be happy. He may allow it for a period of time, but all of a sudden, he will hit a brick wall and his feelings will shut off or he will sabotage in some other way. Then add on top of that a cancer diagnosis…yikes! He is going to be in survival mode. It sounds like his mechanism is to go to through life alone and not allow anyone in. Does he have any close friends and family that are able to help him through this scary time??
Thoughts?
Heidi
wowow! okay…you and Tim are becoming really good friends! It sounds like he is really opening up to you in a very unique way. Women can provide that for men in a very unique way. You are providing a very safe space for him to open up. AND…the experience you guys had together was PERFECT because challenges like that are very bonding. You guys were in a stressful situation and you both handled it with as much ease as possible.
Is that hut there for that exact reason? It’s so strange that there was food there. Is that a thing you guys have there where huts have food and water so people who get stranded will be okay? That’s so interesting! Who replaces the food and water??? How did you cook? was there electricity?
I’m glad you didn’t go to his mattress and paid attention to your intuition. Well done! I bet he respects you more for that now. I’m thinking you are drawing him in, in a way that he doesn’t even realize yet.
Dave is going to be jealous for a while. It’s probably best not to hang out for a bit, so he can really let you go. You were already clear about your intentions, so there really is nothing more to say. It doesn’t change his feelings for you, but of course, just like you and Tim…the more you hang out, the more you end up liking him and Dave will feel the same about you.
So tell me, after this little adventure, what made you like him more?
Are you still thinking about coloring your hair??
Heidi
How do you do that? 😂 I understand what you say, but I do tend to anticipate a lot – I am a good planner. Sometimes it is good, sometimes I end up worrying for “possible” outcomes Great question! It’s a tough one! There is a different between being a planner and being controlling. Planning is great and helpful, but if it prevents you from being able to also go with the flow, it become detrimental. Ultimately, it’s ALL about control in the end. The thing about love and relationships is that it’s where we have the least amount of control. The other person is going to do whatever they do and it IS going to affect us. It sucks, but it’s just what relationships are. So the truth is, you don’t have control, so that’s what you have to really come to terms with and the place you will find freedom from your anxiety. Maybe this will help….ultimately it comes down to you and trust. We tend to put our trust in other people that they will behave and act in certain ways to align with what we need. The trouble is, that trust will break many times over. So what do we do then? We trust ourselves. A deep trust in yourself means you carry this belief “I trust that no matter what this person does or says, I will be okay. I trust in my strength. I trust in my resilience. I trust that I am resourceful and I trust that I will heal.” When you have DEEP trust in yourself, that will NEVER change. That trust is what will counter the anxiety. When the anxiety (fear) shows up, you remind yourself, “No matter what shows up or what happens, I will be okay” and when you actually can FEEL that and BELIEVE that about yourself, you can face anything. It doesn’t mean that anxiety won’t show up, because it’s just part of our human experience. It instead means that you can be okay being anxious because “You got this.” Does this make sense?
How do you identify your needs? By listening to how you feel in a context/ being more aware of the signals of the body? Could this not voicing my needs be linked to a fear of confrontation/ fear of loss of a relationship? You identify your needs by paying attention to your desires. Your needs will show up when you feel hurt, anxious, depressed etc. If you stop for a moment and recognize you have unmet needs (which is why these emotions show up), you can ask yourself, what do I need right now? Once you identify what you need, then you can get creative about how to meet that need/s. Ideally, you figure out ways to meet your needs on your own FIRST before you reach out to anyone else for help. This is how you get to know yourself REALLY well and become the primary source of your well being. When you practice identifying and meeting your own needs, you become and attract a much healthier partner and relationship. Does this make sense?? It’s much easier said than done and there is A LOT to say on this topic. I’m just scratching the surface here, so I hope to continue talking about this.
Oh…and yes…typically not voicing your needs is connected to your fear of being rejected. Someone taught you that your needs were not okay. Can you identify where this fear may come from?I need to get used to the thought that I am single, after 7 years. I feel it was a scary thought. 😂 This is a great example. You have this scary thought. In this scary thought lives a need. What’s the scary thought? Can you trace it to a need you have?
Heidi
Holy smokes!!!! What an adventure! I can’t believe you guys went through all of that! So what are your thoughts? That’s a pretty intimate way to spend the evening. Do you like him even more now? Were you flirty at all? He offered for you to come to his mattress. Did you do it???
I love that you guys can hang like that together. What did he say about Anna??
Man…you probably need MANY years of classes on how to learn to deal with difficult parents!
Heidi
