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Yayayaya! He is being more responsive with you!!! I think he is really starting to like you. My guess is, he is going REALLY slow because he doesn’t want to step into anything serious with you until he knows for sure he really likes you. I love how this is developing between you guys. You are becoming a really close person for him. I’m really proud of you with how you are just taking it slow and letting him go at his pace. That’s so important, especially with someone like him. You are allowing him to lead and that is so important!
As far as your hair, you can always just do a section of your hair. What if you did the underneath some shade of red and the top you can do a darker kind of brown or go to a lighter blond. That might be fun! There is so much you can do! Ask your hairdresser about hair masks too. It’s one of the best ways to keep your hair healthy. I have a hair mask I do once per week. I wet my hair in the shower, put it on first thing and then shave etc. It sits in my hair about 10 minutes and then I shampoo. I do another hair mask about once every 6-8 weeks that is a really deep conditioning. I put it on my hair when it’s dry and let sit for about 30 minutes and then take a shower. My hair is so much more healthy when I do these things. It’s shiny and soft and strong. The color that goes on my hair is also plant based and that makes a HUGE different for hair so you should do a little research on the brand of color your hairdresser uses. And also make sure it’s never tested on animals. Just some ideas 🙂
When is the holiday you guys have together? How many days? Again, I LOVE that you wait for him to ask you. You are being very smart about this and it’s working!!! How are things with Dave? Do you feel everything got cleared up?
Heidi
Our education system has so many limitations. I can see why Travis would have missed out. He has had to endure a lot in his life! He is lucky to have a mom who is able to see him and support him for who he REALLY is. That’s a HUGE gift in and of itself. Without you, I have no doubt his life would have been very different…no doubt much harder.
Dean does sound boring! lol There will be a guy who comes along and sweeps you off your feet without you seeing it coming. I have no doubt of that!
I’m glad you at least get to look at the sunshine. I sometimes wonder how people are able to be inside ALL DAY and never be connected to the outside world. People in hospitals, wherehouses etc. will walk in the building in the morning and not leave until the evening and they will have no clue what the outside world did all day. I could never survive that!!! Neither could you. You have some challenges to face in figuring out how to keep your spirit alive and balanced. I’m so sorry. I know you were hoping this job would be better than the last, but it doesn’t sound like that is what is happening for you.
Heidi
Hey there,
Thank you for sharing more detail. I can see how you were just trying to be helpful. I wonder what was going on with the other girlfriend and why she created so much drama. Interesting. Either way, it sounds like things got out of control and just got messy. I’m so so sorry. I know this was not your intention and I can tell you genuinely wanted to help. Sometimes, as you are learning, our intentions are mistaken or not received very well and it’s so hurtful when that happens.
Here is the thing Jimeko. You had good intentions and it caused hurt. Reality is, that will happen many, many more times. Everybody does that and it’s just part of being in a relationship. A solid, healthy relationship is able to work through those moments. Here is the gift in what has happened. Your choice caused him to ghost, but he is showing you who he is. That’s the gift. He is showing you that he runs away when he is stressed. He is showing you that he is a poor communicator. He is showing you that he does not care enough about how he affects you. He is showing you that he is not forgiving. He is showing you that he is unkind. Something like what you did is just simple humanness and DOES NOT DESERVE ghosting. If you were abusive, if you were harmful to him in any ways, if you were a stalker etc…those kinds of things deserve ghosting. So if he is ghosting from something so small and so insignificant, can you imagine what he would be like when a REAL challenge showed up? You would not have a partner. You would not have a teammate to navigate the challenge with. So in my opinion, you are being rescued from a guy who would abandon you in the hardest moments. He is not a guy who is able to offer you a long term, nourishing connection. I know you love him and I know this deeply hurts…as it should. The gift is that he is showing who he is now and you won’t have to live with this ghosting behavior another 10 years before it breaks your spirit!
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Great insights Alice! You truly are a pleasure to talk with!
For me at least. I still think of A, can not just completely take him out of my mind and I do not think that doing that would be a good tactic. Repressing his memory. The goal is not to take him out of your mind. The goal is to shift the story and thoughts you have around him that keep you stuck in an unhealthy pattern with him. He will ALWAYS be a part of you and that’s okay! Again, it’s not about forgetting or repressing, but instead transforming the story you have about him and you.
How do I identify in the future similar behaviours? Or other’s intentions? Great question! here is the challenge we ALL face. When we meet someone we connect with, that connection can be SO STRONG that we end up ignoring, not noticing or paying enough attention to the other details that are telling us about the limitations of the other person. This is where the “love is blind” phrase becomes true. If you remember that what makes or breaks a relationship in general, lives in the area of how people treat each other and themselves in their worst, then that’s a good place to start paying attention from the very beginning. So as the sparks are flying, you are also really MAGNIFYING your attention on their worst behaviors. There are a TON of questions as well that will expose a person’s worst, without them even realizing it. It’s a skill to learn how to ask the right questions and even interpret the answers in the right way, but here are just a few questions I will typically ask in the beginning. “Tell me about your worst heartache. What was it like for you? What did you do? How did it happen? How long did it take for you to get over her? Did you guys ever end up becoming friends?” “What do you do when you get angry?” “Tell me about a time in your life that you would never want to go back to.” So basically, I am asking questions about the worst part of their life. I am not only listening to their words, I am listening to the energy of their words, their tone of voice, watching their body language and I am also looking for alignment…making sure their words actually match every other signal they are giving off. I’ve heard guys tell me they feel completely resolved about their biggest heartache, yet I saw and felt all kinds of the opposite message coming from his subconscious signals. So that’s when I start to dig deeper and ask for more questions and may even push a little until I find the alignment with what they say and what they feel like. Does this make sense??? Words and actions need to align!!!! The thing is, when you find the worst in a person, your question then becomes “Is their worst still loveable and acceptable to me?” If it is, then great! That’s a green light. If not, then you know you need to walk away, regardless of the connection. Does this help?
Deeper lays a fear that I am 39, single, biological clock ticking. I want to enjoy my newfound freedom but I also am aware of this clock… It is a pressure. This is just a social program you are dealing with. I’m 47, still single and never had children. I went through this same exact phase as you did and I believed exactly as you did. I wanted the most powerful connection first and foremost before bringing a child into this world….and honestly, I wish more people would live that way. So in my opinion, you are on the right track with your thinking. For me, what helped me feel resolved about my choice was 2 things. First, I know the kind of person I am. When really commit to something, I go all in. If I were to become a parent, I would end up being the most invested, educated, present parent and I would give everything I have. I also have a VERY BIG dream when it comes to my life purpose. It’s big and will require ALL OF ME. So I thought, career or kids? What kind of life do I want to experience. Hands down and without a second thought, I KNEW my career/purpose in life was more important than bringing children into this world. Second, I believe in past lives/reincarnation. I KNOW I have had many children already and will have many more. This is not my only life, so what’s the big deal if I pick a life this time without children? There is A LOT to be done and experienced in a life without children, right? So these were things that brought me deep inner peace and released me from any pressure or social programming. Bottom line is though, if there is pressure in ANY situation, there are lies you are connecting to. So before deciding ANYTHING you feel pressure about, connect to the stories you are telling yourself and look for the lies you are giving power. Work with those lies and connect to the truth and THEN decide what you want. Make sense?
Heidi
Okay, this makes a bit more sense now. First, being that this other guy is his friend, my guess is, his loyalty will be to him and not to you. And then add on top of that all the gossiping and drama that was happening, your guy just got sick of it and wanted to step away. So even though you thought you were helping him, it just sounds like it was the very thing that kind of tipped him over the edge.
You guys were still very new with each other, so I can see why he stepped away from you. Let’s talk about how you apologized….what did you say? And how did it end? Has he just disappeared and never said a word about ending things and why?
Heidi
Holy smokes!!!! What an incredible update! This is amazing!!! It makes me sooooo happy to hear you found a guy you flow so well with. He sounds very caring, attentive and present with you. Wowowow!!! You sound super happy!!! See??? You never would have found this guy if you hadn’t disconnected from the previous one. Amazing right? You had the strength and courage and look at you were rewarded. Well done!!! Thank you for sharing!!!
Heidi
Yes, it’s noticeable when you are home vs. out at work. I feel ya though. Without the mountains and the beauty, I would fall apart. I know EXACTLY how you feel. There are just those of us that are really connected to this earth and our environment matters A LOT. It’s just how we are made and that’s okay! It’s important for you to understand about yourself, as it’s part of keeping your spirit alive and balanced. I wish there were a job that could keep you home so you could fill your spirit DAILY with the soul food of the mountains.
Dean just doesn’t do it for you and that’s okay too. Doesn’t matter why, he just doesn’t. He seems to be a bit awkward in himself from how you describe him and someone like that will never capture your attention. You need someone much more confident and solid on the inside. Dean is not that person.
Oh that’s a bummer about Travis. That is still an acceptable GPA. It’s a B average so to speak, which is still really good in my opinion. He will figure it out. They always do, in some way or another. The guy I know is not in the biology field at all, so he probably can’t help.
Heidi
Hi Jimeko,
Welcome! It sounds like there was a lot of gossiping going on. It sounds like he warned you that he did not want to participate in that anymore and then you gossiped to him again and that’s when he left. I don’t know what was going on with that other couple and why you guys were so mixed up with them, but it sounds like your guy reached his limit and walked away.
One of the ways you can get him back is to shift what was happening. Have you apologized? Are you able to stop gossiping? Can you set boundaries with that other couple so you guys are not creating drama with them anymore? How long has it been since you heard from him?
Heidi
Hi Nina,
I guess at what people are thinking and feeling a lot too. The trick is, to turn it into a fun game instead of using it to determine your choices. It’s a guessing game, that’s all. And it can actually be fun if you let it be.
I’m glad to hear there is a little flirting happening. Maybe turn it up a bit? Guys sometimes need more encouragement to take things to the next level. Is that something you are comfortable doing?
As far as the hero instinct thing, let’s break this down a bit more. I am extremely independent as well, but also SUPER cozy receiving help from everyone. I’m wondering if your perception of letting the guy be your “hero” might be a bit tainted. So talk to me about that. What is difficult about it for you? I know you are not used to it, but it’s because you aren’t asking for help. What stops you from asking for help?
Heidi
Hi Cindy!
We are happy to help!
First, I love that you are getting a lot of attention! It feels good doesn’t it?
Second, keep yourself grounded and balanced. Meeting 3 men in 1 weekend is A LOT! Many people do this, because they can, but more often than not, I hear from them how exhausting it actually is. By the time they get to the last person, they are not at their best. You will learn what feels good for you. You want to make sure you are at your best each time.
Let’s deal with your profile first. Feel free to post what you say about yourself here and then we can go through it. I always coach people to write as if they are speaking to their person. General rules are: do not talk about what you don’t want, only talk about what excites you, motivates you and keeps you engaged in your life. Stories/visuals attract a lot of attention. So instead of saying “I love hiking” you would say “Sunday is my day to hike. I love waking up around 5am and getting to a trailhead by 6:30 and starting my morning smelling the pine needles, hearing the rush of the water and starting the day with chirping birds.” Most people just write a profile that describes themselves through characteristics. As you are experiencing I’m sure, it gets boring after a while reading the same kind of profile over and over again. When someone writes about themselves differently, it catches your attention, right? So that’s why stories/visuals will help the gentleman to pay closer attention. Another way to describe yourself that is different is explaining scenarios. So for example, let’s say you are quite the socialite and love to go out. Instead of saying that, you could say “I would choose going out to a nice restaurant with friends sitting next to a fire and having a great conversation, over staying at home watching a movie.” “A perfect evening at home might include doing a puzzle mixed in with a possible food fight.” Do you see how you are explaining your personality in creative ways that are more visual? It engages someone’s emotions. Does this make sense? So when you write your profile, you want to explain the MOST IMPORTANT things about yourself that keep you balanced and in a way that would catch someone’s attention to notice that you are a bit different. So when you think about those aspects of your life that are THE MOST IMPORTANT for keeping you balanced and happy, what are they? For me, it’s dogs, hiking, walking, exercising, eating healthy, dancing, watching good movies. So those are things I would mention in my profile as these are the ways I keep my life balanced and always have. These are activities that I want my guy to enjoy WITH me, so that is what I emphasize in my profile. That’s one way to kind of “target” who is attracted to you.
Does this help?
Heidi
What a cool thing you guys have going there with the huts! Living in Colorado, I have never heard of that, but is definitely something that would be a smart thing to add to this countreyside! I can’t imagine how many people have died from not have shelter/food etc.
Since your adventure together, is he connecting more? That’s a pretty bonding experience and he got to feel a friendship with you. I’m wondering if it brought him a bit closer to you. It makes sense why you like him even more now. He sounds very caring and very aware and connected to you. That is soooooo important. It sounds like you feel very safe with him as well. I LOVE that! I am loving you guys together more and more. It sounds like you guys just flow really well together. It’s not hard to be around each other. It’s easy and effortless, even in the middle of a pretty challenging experience with the hike. I know you say it wasn’t that big of a deal, but for many people, that would have been sooooo stressful…but not for you guys! And that is so important to know about each other.
Make sure you remind him about the ice cream!
Did you decide on what color red you want to do?
Heidi
Hi Cindy! Welcome! First, let me validate your experience. Online dating IS exhausting. EVERYONE feels that way, so you are not alone. I always coach people to have SPECIFIC goals when dating online and there truly is an art to creating an effective profile along with knowing how to filter through other people’s profiles. It tough! So hang in there! I sure don’t blame you for wanting to take a break. People do that all the time.
I always tell people to make sure that they have plenty of energy and are in a really good place mentally and spiritually before they go online, because it can be draining. There is a lot of confusion, drama, ghosting, games and rejection. So again, you feeling tired is VERY NORMAL.
Second, you said “that’s a lot.” It’s funny because your VERY SHORT explanation is FAR from a lot, but you making that statement is a typical perspective of someone who is used to caring for others all the time. The moment you have the opportunity to share about yourself, it feels like you are saying a TON, but in reality, you are barely saying anything. You are just not used to being the center of attention and that will definitely carry over into relationship. You are comfortable being the caretaker, but if you also want to be taken care of, YOU HAVE TO BE COMFORTABLE being the center of attention. Does this make sense?
I would definitely run from this guy you explained in the first paragraph. There are a TON of red flags, so let this one go.
Do you want to continue with the dating app? We are happy to help you and support you and can offer tips on what to say in your profile.
Heidi
Hi Hannah,
We’ve been talking in your other thread, so I’m not sure why you posted here. Maybe you were hoping to get a different answer than what I have given you? I”m happy to connect with Spyce, our other coach, and have her share her thoughts with you. Would you like that?
Heidi
Man…I live for your trips back home too! You are so much more happy when you are there. Even though Sarnia sucks, at least with this job, you get to go back home every once in awhile. I sure hope your transfer happens soon!!! Hopefully, it will be a better place than where you are at now.
Remind me about what kind of work Travis is looking for?? I know someone in Pheonix that has lived there his whole life. Maybe he can help in some way.
I understand wanting to give up dating. It’s okay. When you have the energy again, you’ll step back into it. Dean is totally crushing on you! Do you not see it? It’s really not that confusing. He is trying to give you hints in hopes that you will respond, but you’re not responding, so he will keep trying in his very subtle awkward way. It’s tough for guys!!!
It was a good doggie visit. Peaceful and easy and full of laughs, which is always what I’m aiming for.
Heidi
