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Hey there! First of all, whatever his reasons are for not wanting a serious relationship…those reasons just don’t matter. All that matters is that he is not available for what you want, therefore you need to go find it somewhere else.
Second…regardless of your shape and size, your income level or what you have or have not accomplished in your life…YOU ARE LOVEABLE!!! Even if this guy doesn’t want a relationship with you because of the things you mentioned, that’s about HIM and not you. There IS a guy out there will love you for EXACTLY who you are and anything short of that, doesn’t need to be part of your life. Let me tell ya, what you feel about yourself is sooooo darn common. I have worked with GORGEOUS men and women that society would consider “having it all” and they feel so many of the same insecurities as you do. What truly makes a person attractive is how they feel about themselves from the INSIDE. So I would like to encourage you to find your value from inside of you, instead of giving him the power to determine if you are worth being in a relationship or not.
So let me ask you this…if you KNEW you were badass, worth knowing and loving and an incredible person who will only add to a person’s life…would you keep talking to this guy??
Heidi
Hi Nina,
I can see why it’s difficult to read what his REAL feelings are. He may just be one of those guys who has a REALLY hard time taking the risk, so they are more awkward or even pretend they don’t have feelings….or he could truly not be interested. Who knows. I would suggest on this next group activity to strike up some conversations with him and give him a lot of your attention. The more he feels comfortable with you (and you can be a bit flirty during the conversation) the more he will feel cozy taking that first step of asking you out. I’m not sure how much you guys have had 1 on 1 conversations, but definitely make that a focus on this next activity.
Do you feel that is possible?
Heidi
How’s it going? Has his pattern shifted at all? Any new thoughts? Do you plan on talking with him soon?
Heidi
Is this the way to walk through life? Not wanting? If you understand that your “wants” is just your emotional/spiritual/human self has a need. The way to go through life is to pay attention to what you are REALLY asking for, from a core level and then be creative in healthy ways to meet your needs. Our wants are NOT the full story. The need underneath the want is where the truth lies. Let’s say you “want” a kid and it’s a burning desire. I have dealt with women like that before and they claim it’s all they care about. Then when we dig MUCH deeper, what they really want is to be loved and having a baby would fulfill that need. That belief lived in their subconscious, so once we connected to it, worked on the issues around it and once they began filling up that big hole that lived in then, the desire for a baby changed. Bottom line is, you want to make sure that what you want is coming from a CLEAR place and not from a place of scarcity or fear or woundedness. Once you dig deep and connect to what you REALLY need and then meet those needs yourself, THEN you can decide if having a baby, or getting married, or taking that new job is actually a good choice for you. This is how to walk through life. Don’t let your “wants” control your actions. The “want” is just a gateway to getting to know yourself on a deeper level. Make sense?
If I meet someone and decide I want kids? What then? See, I do anticipate quite a bit. Kidswise, how do I know if I want them or it is just a social program? š¤£ Can/t a woman have both? š Here is the CORE truth….no matter what happens in your life, you will be okay! There are a gazillion women who spend thousands of dollars to have children and they never are able to have one. Does that mean they don’t get to be happy in life? Your goal is to figure out how to happy, peaceful and engaged in your life, NO MATTER what shows up. So if you end up wanting a child and the door ends up closing for some reason, then you will get creative and find another way to meet that need. If you spend your life deciding if you are going to be happy and live life to the fullest based on what happens outside of you, then you are going to have quite the miserable life. You can have an incredible life, no matter what happens. Look at all of those people who lose their limbs, who get diagnosed with awful diseases and yet they figure out ways to still find joy and be an inspiration in this world. Our perceptions and attitudes about what happens to us, IS A CHOICE. So you carry the FULL POWER to experience your life however you want, no matter what shows up.
I feel she has an expectation of me family wise and it just makes me feel inadequate. She cannot make you feel something that you don’t already feel in yourself. Your mom is giving you the gift of exposing where you believe you are inadequate. I’m sure she has raised you this way, therefore you have some strong programming from her. This is a GREAT OPPORTUNITY to work on breaking that programming and get more connected to the truth that you ARE ENOUGH, whether she wants to believe that or not.
If I doo not decide, and just flow with life, isnāt that irresponsible towards my time here? Who says? Why is it irresponsible to go with the flow? How is it irresponsible? This sounds like maybe it’s more mom programming again. Yes?
I would just want to slap him, or more figuratively, smack him with a frying pan. š¤£ These are contradicting emotions.
Is this normal āgrievingā process? HAHAHA! I totally get this! You crack me up! They are not contradicting. Your anger is honoring that it hurts. Yes, this is part of grieving and it’s very normal. You wanted him to fight for you. So now it’s YOUR TURN to fight for you. Fight for a deeper connection in yourself. You want him to do for you what you are not doing for yourself. You want him to fight for you, but now you have to fight for yourself in a way you never have before. It’s time for you to fight against that nasty programming that you are inadequate or that you need to be a certain way in order to be loved and valued.Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Cindy,
Thanks for all the info! This is great!
I’m glad you had such a good time with B2. I also love that you are not putting too high of expectations on him. Time will tell, so it’s best to go slow…if you are looking for something long term. If you want something light and fun, go whatever speed you both agree to.
As far as closing the door on the guys who don’t interest you, I always just say it straight up “I am not feeling the way I want to in order to move forward.” With online dating, there is sooooooo much rejection, that people kind of get used to it on some level. Being honest is the most important aspect and I have found that the guys end up really appreciating it sooner than later.
Can you help me understand the profile a bit? Are the headings you wrote what the platform asks you and then you respond in your own words? On the last part, is it your words or is it where you check a box to give your answer?
Also, as far as your spiritual practice is concerned, you could look at that in 2 ways. Your kind of beliefs and practices carry a lot of judgment for the common/average person. So posting it can actually act as a good filter, as you want someone who is able to accept ALL of you. Imagine getting to know a guy and really connecting with him and you both are truly moving forward into a deeper connection, then you expose your spiritual beliefs and it’s beyond what he is willing to accept about you. That would not be fun for you or for him, right? So including that aspect of your life, sooner than later might be bit easier on your heart. Of course there is the opposite viewpoint as well. Bottom line is, it is a part of relationship/love that needs to be close enough / likeminded enough for the relationship to be successful. Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Cindy,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for asking your questions here! Heather has a very good point. It’s always good to video chat first just to make sure the person is who they say they are.
I can understand if the guy used to be a trucker, how he would not mind driving a few hours. Being cautious is always a good thing though. The only POSSIBLE red flag is how eager this guy is to meet you. It COULD be something to be careful about, but you need to gather more information first before making that snap judgment.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi there! Welcome to the forum!
How about sharing more details about your situation. How long have you known this guy? If a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, BELIEVE HIM. If you are okay doing a friends with benefits kind of thing, you can always go that route, but it’s important for you to be clear about what you are stepping into and make sure you truly are okay with that. If not, it’s best to just walk away and find a guy who is on the same page as you.
Also, you said: I know I must be not good enough What do you mean by this? What makes you believe this?
Heidi
Hi Alicia,
Welcome to the forum!!! I’m glad you are here sharing your story with us!
Let’s talk about this a little more. First, it’s only been 3 weeks. You don’t know if he has the same patterning as before when he disappeared. There is still more information to gather. First, just like what Cristina said, Find someone to treat you like the goddess you are and donāt ever settle. This is the MOST IMPORTANT aspect to remember. People will treat you how you treat yourself. If you KNOW you are a goddess and deserve to be treated as such, people will either honor and agree with that or they won’t and they will fall away. The thing is, you have to show them how you expect to be treated and you do that through boundaries and communication.
It sounds like you want a committed relationship with this guy…yes? Then it’s important you set the tone about what you want and make sure you both are on the same page and I think that is what is missing here….you don’t know what page he is on. If he goes days without texting, that typically is a behavior that says things are casual. I don’t know this guy, so you have to go according to HIS patterning. What I do know is that a guy who REALLY is connecting and a guy who REALLY wants a relationship with a woman, he will reach out quite frequently and make plans and stay connected. It doesn’t sound like this guy is in that space. This guy’s behavior is more in alignment with creating a friends with benefits kind of situation with you.
Being that you want something more serious, are you willing to let the friends with benefits go? Are you willing to maybe have a conversation with him? We can talk you through how to open up the conversation with him, but in the end, you have to be willing to lose him, because he may not be interested in anything more than just having sex. So this really is about you deciding what you are willing to accept and not.
Heidi
Yayayaya! He is being more responsive with you!!! I think he is really starting to like you. My guess is, he is going REALLY slow because he doesn’t want to step into anything serious with you until he knows for sure he really likes you. I love how this is developing between you guys. You are becoming a really close person for him. I’m really proud of you with how you are just taking it slow and letting him go at his pace. That’s so important, especially with someone like him. You are allowing him to lead and that is so important!
As far as your hair, you can always just do a section of your hair. What if you did the underneath some shade of red and the top you can do a darker kind of brown or go to a lighter blond. That might be fun! There is so much you can do! Ask your hairdresser about hair masks too. It’s one of the best ways to keep your hair healthy. I have a hair mask I do once per week. I wet my hair in the shower, put it on first thing and then shave etc. It sits in my hair about 10 minutes and then I shampoo. I do another hair mask about once every 6-8 weeks that is a really deep conditioning. I put it on my hair when it’s dry and let sit for about 30 minutes and then take a shower. My hair is so much more healthy when I do these things. It’s shiny and soft and strong. The color that goes on my hair is also plant based and that makes a HUGE different for hair so you should do a little research on the brand of color your hairdresser uses. And also make sure it’s never tested on animals. Just some ideas š
When is the holiday you guys have together? How many days? Again, I LOVE that you wait for him to ask you. You are being very smart about this and it’s working!!! How are things with Dave? Do you feel everything got cleared up?
Heidi
Our education system has so many limitations. I can see why Travis would have missed out. He has had to endure a lot in his life! He is lucky to have a mom who is able to see him and support him for who he REALLY is. That’s a HUGE gift in and of itself. Without you, I have no doubt his life would have been very different…no doubt much harder.
Dean does sound boring! lol There will be a guy who comes along and sweeps you off your feet without you seeing it coming. I have no doubt of that!
I’m glad you at least get to look at the sunshine. I sometimes wonder how people are able to be inside ALL DAY and never be connected to the outside world. People in hospitals, wherehouses etc. will walk in the building in the morning and not leave until the evening and they will have no clue what the outside world did all day. I could never survive that!!! Neither could you. You have some challenges to face in figuring out how to keep your spirit alive and balanced. I’m so sorry. I know you were hoping this job would be better than the last, but it doesn’t sound like that is what is happening for you.
Heidi
Hey there,
Thank you for sharing more detail. I can see how you were just trying to be helpful. I wonder what was going on with the other girlfriend and why she created so much drama. Interesting. Either way, it sounds like things got out of control and just got messy. I’m so so sorry. I know this was not your intention and I can tell you genuinely wanted to help. Sometimes, as you are learning, our intentions are mistaken or not received very well and it’s so hurtful when that happens.
Here is the thing Jimeko. You had good intentions and it caused hurt. Reality is, that will happen many, many more times. Everybody does that and it’s just part of being in a relationship. A solid, healthy relationship is able to work through those moments. Here is the gift in what has happened. Your choice caused him to ghost, but he is showing you who he is. That’s the gift. He is showing you that he runs away when he is stressed. He is showing you that he is a poor communicator. He is showing you that he does not care enough about how he affects you. He is showing you that he is not forgiving. He is showing you that he is unkind. Something like what you did is just simple humanness and DOES NOT DESERVE ghosting. If you were abusive, if you were harmful to him in any ways, if you were a stalker etc…those kinds of things deserve ghosting. So if he is ghosting from something so small and so insignificant, can you imagine what he would be like when a REAL challenge showed up? You would not have a partner. You would not have a teammate to navigate the challenge with. So in my opinion, you are being rescued from a guy who would abandon you in the hardest moments. He is not a guy who is able to offer you a long term, nourishing connection. I know you love him and I know this deeply hurts…as it should. The gift is that he is showing who he is now and you won’t have to live with this ghosting behavior another 10 years before it breaks your spirit!
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Great insights Alice! You truly are a pleasure to talk with!
For me at least. I still think of A, can not just completely take him out of my mind and I do not think that doing that would be a good tactic. Repressing his memory. The goal is not to take him out of your mind. The goal is to shift the story and thoughts you have around him that keep you stuck in an unhealthy pattern with him. He will ALWAYS be a part of you and that’s okay! Again, it’s not about forgetting or repressing, but instead transforming the story you have about him and you.
How do I identify in the future similar behaviours? Or otherās intentions? Great question! here is the challenge we ALL face. When we meet someone we connect with, that connection can be SO STRONG that we end up ignoring, not noticing or paying enough attention to the other details that are telling us about the limitations of the other person. This is where the “love is blind” phrase becomes true. If you remember that what makes or breaks a relationship in general, lives in the area of how people treat each other and themselves in their worst, then that’s a good place to start paying attention from the very beginning. So as the sparks are flying, you are also really MAGNIFYING your attention on their worst behaviors. There are a TON of questions as well that will expose a person’s worst, without them even realizing it. It’s a skill to learn how to ask the right questions and even interpret the answers in the right way, but here are just a few questions I will typically ask in the beginning. “Tell me about your worst heartache. What was it like for you? What did you do? How did it happen? How long did it take for you to get over her? Did you guys ever end up becoming friends?” “What do you do when you get angry?” “Tell me about a time in your life that you would never want to go back to.” So basically, I am asking questions about the worst part of their life. I am not only listening to their words, I am listening to the energy of their words, their tone of voice, watching their body language and I am also looking for alignment…making sure their words actually match every other signal they are giving off. I’ve heard guys tell me they feel completely resolved about their biggest heartache, yet I saw and felt all kinds of the opposite message coming from his subconscious signals. So that’s when I start to dig deeper and ask for more questions and may even push a little until I find the alignment with what they say and what they feel like. Does this make sense??? Words and actions need to align!!!! The thing is, when you find the worst in a person, your question then becomes “Is their worst still loveable and acceptable to me?” If it is, then great! That’s a green light. If not, then you know you need to walk away, regardless of the connection. Does this help?
Deeper lays a fear that I am 39, single, biological clock ticking. I want to enjoy my newfound freedom but I also am aware of this clockā¦ It is a pressure. This is just a social program you are dealing with. I’m 47, still single and never had children. I went through this same exact phase as you did and I believed exactly as you did. I wanted the most powerful connection first and foremost before bringing a child into this world….and honestly, I wish more people would live that way. So in my opinion, you are on the right track with your thinking. For me, what helped me feel resolved about my choice was 2 things. First, I know the kind of person I am. When really commit to something, I go all in. If I were to become a parent, I would end up being the most invested, educated, present parent and I would give everything I have. I also have a VERY BIG dream when it comes to my life purpose. It’s big and will require ALL OF ME. So I thought, career or kids? What kind of life do I want to experience. Hands down and without a second thought, I KNEW my career/purpose in life was more important than bringing children into this world. Second, I believe in past lives/reincarnation. I KNOW I have had many children already and will have many more. This is not my only life, so what’s the big deal if I pick a life this time without children? There is A LOT to be done and experienced in a life without children, right? So these were things that brought me deep inner peace and released me from any pressure or social programming. Bottom line is though, if there is pressure in ANY situation, there are lies you are connecting to. So before deciding ANYTHING you feel pressure about, connect to the stories you are telling yourself and look for the lies you are giving power. Work with those lies and connect to the truth and THEN decide what you want. Make sense?
Heidi
Okay, this makes a bit more sense now. First, being that this other guy is his friend, my guess is, his loyalty will be to him and not to you. And then add on top of that all the gossiping and drama that was happening, your guy just got sick of it and wanted to step away. So even though you thought you were helping him, it just sounds like it was the very thing that kind of tipped him over the edge.
You guys were still very new with each other, so I can see why he stepped away from you. Let’s talk about how you apologized….what did you say? And how did it end? Has he just disappeared and never said a word about ending things and why?
Heidi
Holy smokes!!!! What an incredible update! This is amazing!!! It makes me sooooo happy to hear you found a guy you flow so well with. He sounds very caring, attentive and present with you. Wowowow!!! You sound super happy!!! See??? You never would have found this guy if you hadn’t disconnected from the previous one. Amazing right? You had the strength and courage and look at you were rewarded. Well done!!! Thank you for sharing!!!
Heidi
