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Hi Stacey!
Welcome! We are glad you are here!
First, we ALL have low self-esteem. The difference between people is how much low self-esteem is there and what you do with it when it shows up.
What kinds of things do you do to help yourself through your insecurities? Do you know where it all comes from?
As far as this guy, you have only been on a few dates and I LOVE that the pace seems to be a bit slower. MANY MANY people will bring sex into the picture from the very start and that’s an easy crash and burn kind of scenario. It sounds like you guys haven’t even kissed yet. Is there flirting? Is he taking the initiative to continue setting up plans with you? Is he texting with you freely?
Tell us about this guy. Why do you like him?
Tell us about your specific trust issues.
Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Heidi
How do I ask a man out and still come across as a lady? Let’s explore this question a bit further. I’m curious what it means to you to be “a lady.” I find it interesting that you think you need to be “a lady” when asking out a guy vs. just being yourself. There’s some kind of program/belief still operating in you that you would ask the question like that. What’s the story you have around “being a lady?”
Asking a guy out is actually quite easy. You want to get in a conversation with them and make sure you both feel the chemistry or interest. Do a little flirting and see if he responds to that. I personally like to provide AMPLE space for him to ask me out. I may even wait for a while and see if he takes that step. But if you feel inspired, there are a few ways to do it without putting a ton of pressure on him. At the end of a conversation, you can write your number down and say “give me a call sometime. I’d love to grab a drink and continue getting to know you.” That way, it still gives the man the “power” and the “chasing” feeling that he needs to reach out to you to set something up. It puts the ball in his court. If he reaches out, then you know he is interested. If not, then he is not for you. Does this give you a way to approach it that feels comfortable for you?
Heidi
How wonderful that he showed up the way he did. It sounds like he made a really good impression on everyone. Super important right??? I LOVE LOVE LOVE how he brought your favorite drink. I’m thinking at some point, you are going to get the green light from him. Have you ever explored the 5 love languages? His dominant expression might be acts of service or at least it’s a strong one for him, from what you say about him. Either way…you are on the right path!! Many girls would have ruined it by now by trying to push him before he is ready. Again, you just going with the flow and enjoying his company is THE BEST THING that is keeping him connected to you and developing a close friendship before he fully steps in.
As far as Dave is concerned, I’m curious why you feel you need to talk to him again. You have already told him you aren’t interested. Do you feel he didn’t quite get it? Of course he is still going to like you, but what is he doing that makes you think you need to re-iterate that you are not interested?
Heidi
I’m glad you are feeling at ease with yourself about the ending on one level, but there is another level that we need to explore a little further.
What EXACTLY are you feeling hesitant about when picking up your stuff?
How come you feel that it is an “ending.” What does that mean to you?
What do you mean is there a chance to reconcile in the future? Do you mean get back together?Heidi
Hi Susan,
I love how Spyce broke down some different scenarios that are possible. It can help give you a perspective of all possibilities. Like Spyce said, the MOST IMPORTANT aspect is keep an open heart, an open mind and an open energy so you can receive him and accept him for exactly where he is at right now. This is probably THE MOST important aspect you can provide for him and most of all can create healing and bonding between the both of you.
Keep us updated! We look forward to hearing how your conversations develop!
Heidi
I am inclined to agree with you. What a bummer!
I’m curious….how much did you like this guy on a scale of 1-10?
How do you feel about him not being interested?Heidi
Hi Tiffany,
Just wanted to check in and see how things are going for you. Any new updates or questions? Any thoughts about what I said?
Heidi
Hi Pearlyn,
How do you feel about letting go of everything? Do you feel okay about not talking about “what went wrong” and letting the dust settle? How do you feel about going to pick up your stuff?
You don’t have to create a new friendship if you don’t want to. It’s up to you. He did say he would like to be friends. In essence, it’s about learning how to be comfortable with each other considering that you guys have transitioned out of dating, so now you guys have to find a new way to relate to each other. It doesn’t mean you have to hang out or anything, but knowing that things are friendly and peaceful is always a good way to create closure. Thoughts?
Heidi
That’s so interesting how that “kid” has become quite friendly with you. How old is he? He truly might just be the friendly type. I know my friendliness has been misinterpreted MANY times.
I sure hope you can get out of there soon. You are in a tough spot of not having many ways to get your needs met. What kinds of things are you doing to take care of yourself? Obviously the environment is not favorable. I know you get out as much as possible. What other kinds of things are you doing to take care of your spirit/emotional body?
You ask how to be more successful with dating. What would your dating life look like if you were more successful? How would you know that you are successful with dating?
Heidi
Hi Pearlyn,
Let me ask you this. What is your need to clarify anything? From the messages he sent you, he seems VERY clear about what his thoughts are and doesn’t need any clarification from you. He clearly said:
I actually dont find u being a drama queen or that u are being too sensitive but i feel the problem really lies with me. Im not giving u the effort and attention u really deserve. This pains me alot to say or even to type it out but u really really really deserve someone better and someone who will treat u like a queen.
I agree with u on how the relationship became stagnant.
I also know how much of effort u put in, thank u for everything. I can only remember good times with u.
U really do deserve someone much better.
I actually dont have anyone special.
I think what is happening is that you are trying to “fix” something between you guys that actually was not even broken. To be honest, what he is saying is that he is not the guy for you. There actually is nothing wrong and there is nothing to fix. So you sending messages to him explaining what you need, what happened, what went wrong on your end…it’s all not necessary. It’s not going to change that he just didn’t have enough feelings for you to take the relationship to the next level.
I want to encourage you to just let all of it go, stop analyzing and find acceptance, go get your stuff and re-create a new friendship with him. Is that something you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Susan,
This is a pretty impactful experience for him. I imagine going SUPER slow is important and I imagine he is facing a TON of fears and feelings right now. Have you talked to him about it? It sounds like you guys have a lot of experience together, so maybe you can just be more direct about it. What about saying something like “I’m wondering how you are doing about us hanging out together. I imagine you would have a lot of feelings and maybe some fears come up about having feelings with me. What are some of the thoughts you are having?” This can open up the door to the conversation and easily lead into talking about him not kissing you etc.
Is this something comfortable for you to do with him?
Heidi
Hi Susan,
Great question! Do you flirt with him at all? Have you ever tried to kiss him on the cheek when you say hello or goodbye? I would agree that it seems he is definitely attracted to you. I would NOT make the first move though. He may be that kind of guy who really loves to build a friendship first, more than anything. He may be that guy where he was raised to treat a woman in a specific way. He may have specific religious views that prevent him from kissing you. Who knows!
What I personally would do is start to ask questions AROUND the subject. Find ways to gather information without DIRECTLY asking him straight up. For example, I would ask things like “How old were you with your first kiss? How old were you when you lost your virginity? Who taught you how to treat a woman or view women? What specifically were you taught?” Ask about his religious views as well. Ask about what he believes the roles of men are in this world and the roles of women. Do you see how these questions can indirectly provide you with more information to learn his viewpoints…which may give you more info into his behavior….or lack thereof?
Does this approach feel comfortable for you?
Heidi
Hi Pearlyn
With the messages you just posted, what message do you think you conveyed to him? What do you wish you had conveyed instead?
Now that you have had 30 days to really reflect, how do you feel about everything?
Heidi
Okay….so here is where you can be more fun in answering these questions.
Music:
Eclectic tastes. I love starting my day with jazz, country is my road trip choice of music and jazz is part of my “cozy pajamas/glass of wine” kind of nightReligion and Spirituality
I am a supporter of “spiritual soup.” My practices are more inclined to truly honor and be in relationship with the magic and beauty of nature, whether going for a hike, meditating amongst the trees or connecting deeply with the power of a flower. I believe we all have the potential within us to influence, create and experience our worlds in many different ways and I honor the power of creativity in which people discover their own potential. (I have no idea if this is what you believe…just giving an example)Family and friends:
I love big or small gatherings where we can all laugh, share stories by the fire or have deep private conversations discussing how to navigate this crazy life.The idea with these answers is to help create a picture in the reader’s mind. I’ve experimented with this technique quite a bit and it definitely attracts a different kind of man. Just a thought. This is all a great experiment anyways. And maybe you don’t even need to experiment…it sounds like you are quite successful with what you are doing so far anyway.
Heidi
