[Heidi G]

That’s so interesting how that “kid” has become quite friendly with you. How old is he? He truly might just be the friendly type. I know my friendliness has been misinterpreted MANY times.

I sure hope you can get out of there soon. You are in a tough spot of not having many ways to get your needs met. What kinds of things are you doing to take care of yourself? Obviously the environment is not favorable. I know you get out as much as possible. What other kinds of things are you doing to take care of your spirit/emotional body?

You ask how to be more successful with dating. What would your dating life look like if you were more successful? How would you know that you are successful with dating?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Pearlyn,

Let me ask you this. What is your need to clarify anything? From the messages he sent you, he seems VERY clear about what his thoughts are and doesn’t need any clarification from you. He clearly said:

I actually dont find u being a drama queen or that u are being too sensitive but i feel the problem really lies with me. Im not giving u the effort and attention u really deserve. This pains me alot to say or even to type it out but u really really really deserve someone better and someone who will treat u like a queen.

I agree with u on how the relationship became stagnant.

I also know how much of effort u put in, thank u for everything. I can only remember good times with u.

U really do deserve someone much better.

I actually dont have anyone special.

I think what is happening is that you are trying to “fix” something between you guys that actually was not even broken. To be honest, what he is saying is that he is not the guy for you. There actually is nothing wrong and there is nothing to fix. So you sending messages to him explaining what you need, what happened, what went wrong on your end…it’s all not necessary. It’s not going to change that he just didn’t have enough feelings for you to take the relationship to the next level.

I want to encourage you to just let all of it go, stop analyzing and find acceptance, go get your stuff and re-create a new friendship with him. Is that something you are willing to do?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Susan,

This is a pretty impactful experience for him. I imagine going SUPER slow is important and I imagine he is facing a TON of fears and feelings right now. Have you talked to him about it? It sounds like you guys have a lot of experience together, so maybe you can just be more direct about it. What about saying something like “I’m wondering how you are doing about us hanging out together. I imagine you would have a lot of feelings and maybe some fears come up about having feelings with me. What are some of the thoughts you are having?” This can open up the door to the conversation and easily lead into talking about him not kissing you etc.

Is this something comfortable for you to do with him?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Susan,

Great question! Do you flirt with him at all? Have you ever tried to kiss him on the cheek when you say hello or goodbye? I would agree that it seems he is definitely attracted to you. I would NOT make the first move though. He may be that kind of guy who really loves to build a friendship first, more than anything. He may be that guy where he was raised to treat a woman in a specific way. He may have specific religious views that prevent him from kissing you. Who knows!

What I personally would do is start to ask questions AROUND the subject. Find ways to gather information without DIRECTLY asking him straight up. For example, I would ask things like “How old were you with your first kiss? How old were you when you lost your virginity? Who taught you how to treat a woman or view women? What specifically were you taught?” Ask about his religious views as well. Ask about what he believes the roles of men are in this world and the roles of women. Do you see how these questions can indirectly provide you with more information to learn his viewpoints…which may give you more info into his behavior….or lack thereof?

Does this approach feel comfortable for you?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Pearlyn

With the messages you just posted, what message do you think you conveyed to him? What do you wish you had conveyed instead?

Now that you have had 30 days to really reflect, how do you feel about everything?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Okay….so here is where you can be more fun in answering these questions.

Music:
Eclectic tastes. I love starting my day with jazz, country is my road trip choice of music and jazz is part of my “cozy pajamas/glass of wine” kind of night

Religion and Spirituality
I am a supporter of “spiritual soup.” My practices are more inclined to truly honor and be in relationship with the magic and beauty of nature, whether going for a hike, meditating amongst the trees or connecting deeply with the power of a flower. I believe we all have the potential within us to influence, create and experience our worlds in many different ways and I honor the power of creativity in which people discover their own potential. (I have no idea if this is what you believe…just giving an example)

Family and friends:
I love big or small gatherings where we can all laugh, share stories by the fire or have deep private conversations discussing how to navigate this crazy life.

The idea with these answers is to help create a picture in the reader’s mind. I’ve experimented with this technique quite a bit and it definitely attracts a different kind of man. Just a thought. This is all a great experiment anyways. And maybe you don’t even need to experiment…it sounds like you are quite successful with what you are doing so far anyway.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Awesome! Let us know how it goes!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hey there! First of all, whatever his reasons are for not wanting a serious relationship…those reasons just don’t matter. All that matters is that he is not available for what you want, therefore you need to go find it somewhere else.

Second…regardless of your shape and size, your income level or what you have or have not accomplished in your life…YOU ARE LOVEABLE!!! Even if this guy doesn’t want a relationship with you because of the things you mentioned, that’s about HIM and not you. There IS a guy out there will love you for EXACTLY who you are and anything short of that, doesn’t need to be part of your life. Let me tell ya, what you feel about yourself is sooooo darn common. I have worked with GORGEOUS men and women that society would consider “having it all” and they feel so many of the same insecurities as you do. What truly makes a person attractive is how they feel about themselves from the INSIDE. So I would like to encourage you to find your value from inside of you, instead of giving him the power to determine if you are worth being in a relationship or not.

So let me ask you this…if you KNEW you were badass, worth knowing and loving and an incredible person who will only add to a person’s life…would you keep talking to this guy??

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Nina,

I can see why it’s difficult to read what his REAL feelings are. He may just be one of those guys who has a REALLY hard time taking the risk, so they are more awkward or even pretend they don’t have feelings….or he could truly not be interested. Who knows. I would suggest on this next group activity to strike up some conversations with him and give him a lot of your attention. The more he feels comfortable with you (and you can be a bit flirty during the conversation) the more he will feel cozy taking that first step of asking you out. I’m not sure how much you guys have had 1 on 1 conversations, but definitely make that a focus on this next activity.

Do you feel that is possible?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

How’s it going? Has his pattern shifted at all? Any new thoughts? Do you plan on talking with him soon?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Is this the way to walk through life? Not wanting? If you understand that your “wants” is just your emotional/spiritual/human self has a need. The way to go through life is to pay attention to what you are REALLY asking for, from a core level and then be creative in healthy ways to meet your needs. Our wants are NOT the full story. The need underneath the want is where the truth lies. Let’s say you “want” a kid and it’s a burning desire. I have dealt with women like that before and they claim it’s all they care about. Then when we dig MUCH deeper, what they really want is to be loved and having a baby would fulfill that need. That belief lived in their subconscious, so once we connected to it, worked on the issues around it and once they began filling up that big hole that lived in then, the desire for a baby changed. Bottom line is, you want to make sure that what you want is coming from a CLEAR place and not from a place of scarcity or fear or woundedness. Once you dig deep and connect to what you REALLY need and then meet those needs yourself, THEN you can decide if having a baby, or getting married, or taking that new job is actually a good choice for you. This is how to walk through life. Don’t let your “wants” control your actions. The “want” is just a gateway to getting to know yourself on a deeper level. Make sense?

If I meet someone and decide I want kids? What then? See, I do anticipate quite a bit. Kidswise, how do I know if I want them or it is just a social program? 🤣 Can/t a woman have both? 😂 Here is the CORE truth….no matter what happens in your life, you will be okay! There are a gazillion women who spend thousands of dollars to have children and they never are able to have one. Does that mean they don’t get to be happy in life? Your goal is to figure out how to happy, peaceful and engaged in your life, NO MATTER what shows up. So if you end up wanting a child and the door ends up closing for some reason, then you will get creative and find another way to meet that need. If you spend your life deciding if you are going to be happy and live life to the fullest based on what happens outside of you, then you are going to have quite the miserable life. You can have an incredible life, no matter what happens. Look at all of those people who lose their limbs, who get diagnosed with awful diseases and yet they figure out ways to still find joy and be an inspiration in this world. Our perceptions and attitudes about what happens to us, IS A CHOICE. So you carry the FULL POWER to experience your life however you want, no matter what shows up.

I feel she has an expectation of me family wise and it just makes me feel inadequate. She cannot make you feel something that you don’t already feel in yourself. Your mom is giving you the gift of exposing where you believe you are inadequate. I’m sure she has raised you this way, therefore you have some strong programming from her. This is a GREAT OPPORTUNITY to work on breaking that programming and get more connected to the truth that you ARE ENOUGH, whether she wants to believe that or not.

If I doo not decide, and just flow with life, isn’t that irresponsible towards my time here? Who says? Why is it irresponsible to go with the flow? How is it irresponsible? This sounds like maybe it’s more mom programming again. Yes?

I would just want to slap him, or more figuratively, smack him with a frying pan. 🤣 These are contradicting emotions.
Is this normal “grieving” process? HAHAHA! I totally get this! You crack me up! They are not contradicting. Your anger is honoring that it hurts. Yes, this is part of grieving and it’s very normal. You wanted him to fight for you. So now it’s YOUR TURN to fight for you. Fight for a deeper connection in yourself. You want him to do for you what you are not doing for yourself. You want him to fight for you, but now you have to fight for yourself in a way you never have before. It’s time for you to fight against that nasty programming that you are inadequate or that you need to be a certain way in order to be loved and valued.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Cindy,

Thanks for all the info! This is great!

I’m glad you had such a good time with B2. I also love that you are not putting too high of expectations on him. Time will tell, so it’s best to go slow…if you are looking for something long term. If you want something light and fun, go whatever speed you both agree to.

As far as closing the door on the guys who don’t interest you, I always just say it straight up “I am not feeling the way I want to in order to move forward.” With online dating, there is sooooooo much rejection, that people kind of get used to it on some level. Being honest is the most important aspect and I have found that the guys end up really appreciating it sooner than later.

Can you help me understand the profile a bit? Are the headings you wrote what the platform asks you and then you respond in your own words? On the last part, is it your words or is it where you check a box to give your answer?

Also, as far as your spiritual practice is concerned, you could look at that in 2 ways. Your kind of beliefs and practices carry a lot of judgment for the common/average person. So posting it can actually act as a good filter, as you want someone who is able to accept ALL of you. Imagine getting to know a guy and really connecting with him and you both are truly moving forward into a deeper connection, then you expose your spiritual beliefs and it’s beyond what he is willing to accept about you. That would not be fun for you or for him, right? So including that aspect of your life, sooner than later might be bit easier on your heart. Of course there is the opposite viewpoint as well. Bottom line is, it is a part of relationship/love that needs to be close enough / likeminded enough for the relationship to be successful. Thoughts?

Heidi

• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by Heidi G.

[Heidi G]

Hi Cindy,

Welcome to the forum! Thank you for asking your questions here! Heather has a very good point. It’s always good to video chat first just to make sure the person is who they say they are.

I can understand if the guy used to be a trucker, how he would not mind driving a few hours. Being cautious is always a good thing though. The only POSSIBLE red flag is how eager this guy is to meet you. It COULD be something to be careful about, but you need to gather more information first before making that snap judgment.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi there! Welcome to the forum!

How about sharing more details about your situation. How long have you known this guy? If a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, BELIEVE HIM. If you are okay doing a friends with benefits kind of thing, you can always go that route, but it’s important for you to be clear about what you are stepping into and make sure you truly are okay with that. If not, it’s best to just walk away and find a guy who is on the same page as you.

Also, you said: I know I must be not good enough What do you mean by this? What makes you believe this?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Alicia,

Welcome to the forum!!! I’m glad you are here sharing your story with us!

Let’s talk about this a little more. First, it’s only been 3 weeks. You don’t know if he has the same patterning as before when he disappeared. There is still more information to gather. First, just like what Cristina said, Find someone to treat you like the goddess you are and don’t ever settle. This is the MOST IMPORTANT aspect to remember. People will treat you how you treat yourself. If you KNOW you are a goddess and deserve to be treated as such, people will either honor and agree with that or they won’t and they will fall away. The thing is, you have to show them how you expect to be treated and you do that through boundaries and communication.

It sounds like you want a committed relationship with this guy…yes? Then it’s important you set the tone about what you want and make sure you both are on the same page and I think that is what is missing here….you don’t know what page he is on. If he goes days without texting, that typically is a behavior that says things are casual. I don’t know this guy, so you have to go according to HIS patterning. What I do know is that a guy who REALLY is connecting and a guy who REALLY wants a relationship with a woman, he will reach out quite frequently and make plans and stay connected. It doesn’t sound like this guy is in that space. This guy’s behavior is more in alignment with creating a friends with benefits kind of situation with you.

Being that you want something more serious, are you willing to let the friends with benefits go? Are you willing to maybe have a conversation with him? We can talk you through how to open up the conversation with him, but in the end, you have to be willing to lose him, because he may not be interested in anything more than just having sex. So this really is about you deciding what you are willing to accept and not.

Heidi

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