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Hi Tiffany,
Great to hear from you. Thank you for the update. There is one thing I want to invite you to really consider. I know it “feels” right for you and maybe for him too. The thing is, that actually doesn’t matter. The connection itself DOES NOT equal a healthy, nourishing, sustainable relationship. The connection is just a feeling. A powerful one for sure, but VERY FAR from what is needed to have a relationship.
What is more important is HOW you both express that connection and what you do with it. I recently had an experience with an old boyfriend where the connection between us got re-activated….and in a way that shocked me. But in the end, he did not have or could offer me the level of relationship I am interested in. It was soooooo incredibly difficult to say goodbye and cut ties, but I KNEW that he just was not emotionally available to the level I need. He for sure has the potential, but it’s not who he is present day. And so that’s what I’d like you to consider. From what you KNOW about him, despite the connection, he is NOT emotionally available for you right now. I’m glad you are giving him space and time, but I’d also like to see you move on with your life. If you guys come back together at some point, then you can re-evaluate at that time. But for now, present day, he is not available for you. Would you be willing to let him go? Are you willing to go on other dates?
I’m curious…are you guys talking at all? Or have you guys completely disconnected and for how long?
Heidi
Hi Miss M,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story. I totally get why you are confused. He IS sending mixed messages. Patterns have changed, some of his thoughts don’t include you and you are correct in questioning what is REALLY happening.
I can’t tell you what he is doing, but from what you explained, it sounds like you both are NOT on the same page.
First, he believes he cannot have a serious relationship without having a house first. Second, he is having some connectivity issues for whatever reason. He’s warm and caring and present and then he isn’t. Third, he talked about buying a van and doing it up, yet he doesn’t want to go on as many dates because it stresses him financially??? A bit contradictory there. AND he talked about going to the beach and not including you in that vision he has.
Basically, all of this tells me he is not quite invested. Regardless of how things are between you guys in person, the connection is NOT carrying over into the times you are apart and it’s not carrying over in his thoughts about the future. My best guess is that he truly is connected and likes you, but at the same time, he isn’t fully invested and probably isn’t sure how long you guys will date for. He definitely has the breaks on…and who knows if it’s the combination of you 2 together or if he would be like this with any girl. He may be really terrified of getting too close with a woman because he’s been hurt.
Do you know much about his relationship past? What’s his relationship like with his parents? Have you ever met his parents? What’s his goal for when he is moving out of his parent’s house? I imagine that, in and of itself, is SUPER stressful for him. Living with parents at 30, no matter the reason or how valid it is, can be pretty tough for a 30 year old…and even moreso for a guy. This may be a BIG block for him, depending on his relationship with his parents.
Either way, it may be time to have a chat and to just begin to understand the deeper levels of what is happening for him. Do you feel comfortable talking to him about it? We can coach you through how to approach it in a healthy way that will keep him open vs. defensive.
Heidi
Hi Susan,
Would you mind sharing some of the details about your conversation with him? You said you want to talk a little further and want him to know you respect his feelings about his wife. Do you feel that did not come across very well? Did you guys talk at all about what he DOES want? If he is just wanting friendship and that’s it, then what’s with the cuddling etc? Does he have ANY romantic feelings for you? How was it left?
Heidi
Oh man. I’m so sorry! It DOES sting. It’s really hard to go through these kinds of moments.
Who knows…as you let the idea go, someone else will be able to catch your interest that is a much better match for you. Do you feel okay about letting this go or do you find yourself wanting to hold on?
Heidi
Help us understand a bit more. You said he has finished the work, so does that mean he is no longer at your house? Did he complete the project? Does that mean you won’t be seeing him anymore?
Do you guys have each other’s phone numbers?
The next thing to do is take this guy off the pedestal you have him on. I know you really like him, but Spyce asked a REALLY important question that is crucial to pay attention. Do you think he is out of your league or something? Usually when people respond the way you are responding, they have the belief that the person they are attracted to is better than them. They have thoughts like “Why would someone like him/her ever be interested in someone like me?” “There’s no way he/she would like me.” Are you having those kind of thoughts?
If you are, it’s SUPER important to address IMMEDIATELY because he will be attracted to your confidence. Your insecurities will be a turn off to him. You want to be that woman who deeply respects herself and KNOWS that she is a catch. You want to be that woman, though shy, who also has the strength to flirt and offer connection WITH CONFIDENCE. I know you don’t quite feel that way about yourself, so this is the PERFECT time to start practicing and connecting to your greatness.
Thoughts?
Heidi
You crack me up!!!
Let’s explore this further!
Just because you’ve been told you are too forward or too independent doesn’t mean you need to listen to that. It’s all about perspective. I remember 1 boyfriend I had said the most brilliant thing. I remember making a comment once when I had met a girl-friend of his and I said “Man, I can tell she is high maintenance.” His response was something to the effect of “She’s not high maintenance if she finds the right kind of mechanic.” I was blown away by his response because it probably was the most emotionally intelligent thing I had ever heard him say! lol. So with that being said, you are NOT “too” anything. First thing’s first. Be aware that “too” is a judgment word. So whenever I hear that word in reference to a behavior…Too this or too that….I know the energy is judgment and I don’t give it too much power. I take it with a grain of salt. I know PLENTY of men who value and appreciate a woman who is independent and straightforward! Those qualities are so important as they signify confidence. It’s more about the energy in which you express your independence, right? There is a difference between saying “Thank you for the offer, but I can take care of myself” and “Thank you so much for offering your help! I am able to take care of this, but I promise if I get stuck, I will ask for your help.”
You may be putting more male energy/dominant energy out there and that would make sense in that it’s comfortable for you. It is the energy you have lived with for soooooo long. So the idea here is to NOT lessen the male energy, but instead INCREASE your feminine. So let’s talk about what that means. You said you want to come across as soft and feminine and not overbearing. What would that look like exactly? What else would you consider feminine besides soft?
Heidi
Hi Stacey!
Welcome! We are glad you are here!
First, we ALL have low self-esteem. The difference between people is how much low self-esteem is there and what you do with it when it shows up.
What kinds of things do you do to help yourself through your insecurities? Do you know where it all comes from?
As far as this guy, you have only been on a few dates and I LOVE that the pace seems to be a bit slower. MANY MANY people will bring sex into the picture from the very start and that’s an easy crash and burn kind of scenario. It sounds like you guys haven’t even kissed yet. Is there flirting? Is he taking the initiative to continue setting up plans with you? Is he texting with you freely?
Tell us about this guy. Why do you like him?
Tell us about your specific trust issues.
Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Heidi
How do I ask a man out and still come across as a lady? Let’s explore this question a bit further. I’m curious what it means to you to be “a lady.” I find it interesting that you think you need to be “a lady” when asking out a guy vs. just being yourself. There’s some kind of program/belief still operating in you that you would ask the question like that. What’s the story you have around “being a lady?”
Asking a guy out is actually quite easy. You want to get in a conversation with them and make sure you both feel the chemistry or interest. Do a little flirting and see if he responds to that. I personally like to provide AMPLE space for him to ask me out. I may even wait for a while and see if he takes that step. But if you feel inspired, there are a few ways to do it without putting a ton of pressure on him. At the end of a conversation, you can write your number down and say “give me a call sometime. I’d love to grab a drink and continue getting to know you.” That way, it still gives the man the “power” and the “chasing” feeling that he needs to reach out to you to set something up. It puts the ball in his court. If he reaches out, then you know he is interested. If not, then he is not for you. Does this give you a way to approach it that feels comfortable for you?
Heidi
How wonderful that he showed up the way he did. It sounds like he made a really good impression on everyone. Super important right??? I LOVE LOVE LOVE how he brought your favorite drink. I’m thinking at some point, you are going to get the green light from him. Have you ever explored the 5 love languages? His dominant expression might be acts of service or at least it’s a strong one for him, from what you say about him. Either way…you are on the right path!! Many girls would have ruined it by now by trying to push him before he is ready. Again, you just going with the flow and enjoying his company is THE BEST THING that is keeping him connected to you and developing a close friendship before he fully steps in.
As far as Dave is concerned, I’m curious why you feel you need to talk to him again. You have already told him you aren’t interested. Do you feel he didn’t quite get it? Of course he is still going to like you, but what is he doing that makes you think you need to re-iterate that you are not interested?
Heidi
I’m glad you are feeling at ease with yourself about the ending on one level, but there is another level that we need to explore a little further.
What EXACTLY are you feeling hesitant about when picking up your stuff?
How come you feel that it is an “ending.” What does that mean to you?
What do you mean is there a chance to reconcile in the future? Do you mean get back together?Heidi
Hi Susan,
I love how Spyce broke down some different scenarios that are possible. It can help give you a perspective of all possibilities. Like Spyce said, the MOST IMPORTANT aspect is keep an open heart, an open mind and an open energy so you can receive him and accept him for exactly where he is at right now. This is probably THE MOST important aspect you can provide for him and most of all can create healing and bonding between the both of you.
Keep us updated! We look forward to hearing how your conversations develop!
Heidi
I am inclined to agree with you. What a bummer!
I’m curious….how much did you like this guy on a scale of 1-10?
How do you feel about him not being interested?Heidi
Hi Tiffany,
Just wanted to check in and see how things are going for you. Any new updates or questions? Any thoughts about what I said?
Heidi
Hi Pearlyn,
How do you feel about letting go of everything? Do you feel okay about not talking about “what went wrong” and letting the dust settle? How do you feel about going to pick up your stuff?
You don’t have to create a new friendship if you don’t want to. It’s up to you. He did say he would like to be friends. In essence, it’s about learning how to be comfortable with each other considering that you guys have transitioned out of dating, so now you guys have to find a new way to relate to each other. It doesn’t mean you have to hang out or anything, but knowing that things are friendly and peaceful is always a good way to create closure. Thoughts?
Heidi
