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Hi Cindy,
I totally get it. A lot of the dating/relationship marketing and propaganda activates fear in people. That kind of marketing is everywhere, right? I tell people it’s good practice to get your fears activated! It allows you to practice new programming you create for yourself like what you just said: Another day, sun shines and I’ve grown that much more! That is a thought you would want to insert into your thinking/energy every single time a fear shows up.
One of my favorite resources is the Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com. It’s not specifically focused on men, but instead relationship. Who you are compared to them and how to work through the challenges and celebrate/magnify the goodness. The way I personally look at it is this….there are ALWAYS 3 entities when it comes to love and relationship. 1. YOU 2. THEM 3. THE LIFESTYLE
The 3rd entity will make or break your relationship. The lifestyle is what you and him will create together….how you treat each other, the baggage that gets activated, how you interact in your best and worst times. You have to LOVE the lifestyle that gets birthed from the both of you. Most people get so mixed up in “But I love him and I don’t want to let him go” but at the same time they don’t love the lifestyle. You can learn all you want about men and it is helpful, but I would also encourage you to more deeply understand the inner workings of what make a relationship successful.Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
I am so sorry you are dealing with depression again. Are you connected to what has triggered it? What are you doing to help yourself through this?
You are so much more than just a thing. You DO exist and there are PLENTY of people around you to remind you of that. I love that you got a compliment about your talents from Victor. You are getting some great feedback about your work! You matter Rhonda. You make an impact and you shift/change the energy of everywhere you go.
Keep talk about this. What are some of the other thoughts and feelings coming up? Maybe consider finding a therapist. You go through these depression episodes enough that it would be so helpful to have someone to work with you through these phases.
Heidi
It’s hard to do it at any age! Navigating relationships requires skill and growth and without fail…risk. That means fears and limiting beliefs about love and low self-esteem are going to be part of the path.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE that he was willing to admit and acknowledge that something is there and that he is willing to work through it. That’s a man worth getting to know. And with you having the patience as well as being a bit ahead of him on the path of grief and recovery, you guys can truly navigate this journey with grace.
We are honored that we got to be part of your process. Well done for reaching out! You’re one of the smart ones!
We are always here for you, so feel free to reach out anytime!
Heidi
Hi Annika,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. It sounds extremely chaotic and very difficult. I am so so sorry that you are having to go through all of this.
It’s not actually that complicated or confusing. The problem with ALL the ladies involved (including yourself) is you are giving way too much power to him. You all have these strong connected feelings for him and overlooking the MASSIVE RED FLAGS that would tell you he DOES NOT have the ability to offer any of you what you want. Here are the facts:
1. He has impregnated 2 women – of which he has no intention of being in a relationship with (very uncaring)
2. He essentially has been cheating on you
3. He wants a poly relationship because he wants it all without having to face his real fear of intimacy
4. He is stringing along both of you and not wanting to hurt anyone, yet he is the one who has created this whole situation in the first place and is doing NOTHING to create resolution.Basically, this guy is a MESS! He is letting his fear guide his life. His fear got him connected to 2 other women, of which he is having children with, he has stayed with you for over 3 years not expecting the relationship to go anywhere and now he is afraid of hurting one of you??? The guy needs to NOT be in a relationship. He is not honest with himself and is not willing to really look at and deal with his core feelings of fear and intimacy, so instead he wants to do a poly relationship??? He can’t even handle you with honesty and integrity and he wants to add another one into the mix? Yikes! That’s disaster waiting to happen.
I want to encourage you to really look at what you are stepping into. His life is a mess. He is a mess. He is going to be a dad of 2 different children and he admitted to being terrified of loving you. He can barely provide for himself and now he will have 2 children to help support. His life is only going to get more complicated and his fears will only grow. Don’t you want a guy who will face his fears? Don’t you want a guy you can feel emotionally safe with? Don’t you want a guy who is a good communicator and tells you what he is REALLY feeling and works through things with you? Don’t you want a guy who doesn’t settle for “average” and fights for more in his life??
You really want to spend your vacation time to go visit to “see how you feel?” I think you probably know how you feel, but maybe not willing to truly admit it to yourself.
So why not express your feelings here. What are your thoughts about what he has done and the kind of person he has chosen to be in his life? Do you respect him? Do you feel emotionally safe with him?
Heidi
Good to hear from you! This is a great update…thanks for sharing!
Yes, he is smitten for sure. It sounds like you guys are on a similar page and enjoying each other. That’s wonderful!
And I just do not want to mess this up!!! Let’s talk about this for a bit. Most people have this fear, so let’s take a bit of deeper dive into it. How do you think you could mess this up? What are your typical sabotage patterns? The truth is, there is NO WAY you can mess this up all by yourself. It takes 2…always. We ALL are messy, right? So we need to have a partner who is forgiving and understanding and accepting of that side of ourselves and vice versa. So if this guy is not accepting of when you mess things up, because you will, then he isn’t the best kind of partner for you. As long as you always take ownership for your reactions/behaviors and you learn and grow from them, then that is the very best you can do, right? Hopefully, he is the same way and then you guys have a pretty solid foundation for being able to work through the challenges that the experience of love is guaranteed to bring up. So this fear of yours is inevitable. So let’s step into the worst of it. If you do something that causes him to completely disconnect, TRUST YOURSELF that you will be okay. You are strong, resilient, resourceful and desirable, yes??? That means that you can completely recover and manifest a new experience of love/connection. If you can fully and completely trust yourself in this way, you can relax into the fear and not let it be dominant in your life.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Miss M,
Thank you for sharing more info. I think it’s time for a talk. From what you are sharing, you guys are definitely NOT on the same page and it’s important that you are if you are going to move forward.
Here is the MOST IMPORTANT thing to remember whenever talking about a difficult subject. ACTIVATE CURIOSITY. When you need to “confront” someone about their behavior, it’s important to remember that YOU have a story about their behavior. So first be curious about yourself. It’s not HIS fault that you got upset about the Tinder thing. That’s on you. So what story did you have running in your mind that would cause you to bolt vs. working through things with him in the moment? Second, take responsibility for your reactions and feelings. Again, these are YOUR stories that are causing to react the way you do. Take ownership of those feelings and get curious about where those feelings are coming from. The truth is, you could create 100s of different stories about a situation, but for whatever reason, your mind has attached to 1 of those stories and that story is what is causing hurt. Third, know that he has stories too. So when confronting, be curious about HIS story vs. trying to push your story onto him. The stories we attach too comes from a place of hurt and lies that we are choosing to believe in. So if you understand the core of where he is coming from, you can actually see that his actions have to do with HIM. In relationships, we all trigger each other, so if each person can take responsibility for their own actions, get curious about each other’s stories and then work together towards healing/resolution….we wouldn’t have a divorce rate hanging out around 50%. So this is a really good time for you to start to develop your relationship skills.
Here is an idea of how you can bring up the subject: “Listen…it seems that things are a bit different between you and I since our argument about Tinder. It feels like when we are in person, everything is so wonderful and amazing and then when we are apart, it feels like you are less connected than you were before we had that argument. I’m wondering if maybe I did some damage, so I thought I would just ask straight up…..” How does saying something to the effect feel for you?
I WOULD NOT bring up your hurt feelings about the beach or him asking if you were going on a date. You can use these scenarios as examples as to why you feel like he is more disconnected, but it would not be the time to talk about your hurt feelings around it. This conversation is more about checking to see if you guys are on the same page or not. Does this make sense? Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Susan,
First, you did NOT ruin anything by asking. If he ends up pulling away and disconnecting, then that is something you need to know about him. He TRULY is not ready for anything honest or intimate, so in my opinion, better to know that sooner than later…AND…you being honest and talking about a tough subject is GOOD for him. He is sending a lot of mixed signals, probably because he is unsure about this next phase of dating. Talking about things can really help and he gets to learn that you are someone he is safe to be honest with. Having these tough conversations is a GOOD way of getting to know each other.
Maybe what you can do is start to prime him a little bit. Start to ask questions about his life that are deeper questions and not about your relationship together. This can help him get more comfortable exposing himself to you. So you can ask things like “What was your reputation in high school?” “What kinds of things are on your bucket list?” “What’s the worst heartbreak you have ever been through? (not including the loss of his wife)” “If there were moments in his life he could go back and revisit, what moments would those be and why?” These kinds of questions can really expose him as a person on a deeper level. You can help him slowly get more comfortable with you. I would ALSO say this to him: “I know that our conversation the other day was awkward and it seemed hard for you. I just want you to know that I really appreciate you hanging in there with me. I’m clear that you do not want a serious relationship right now and I’m okay with that. I want you to feel comfortable just being yourself and we can just take 1 day at a time. I would like to talk a little further about it at some point. Would you be open to going out to nice dinner in a few weeks and we can talk a little more about it over a glass of wine? No pressure if you are not ready yet.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Okay….I’m thinking that describing feminine energy may be difficult for you because you are not quite sure what it is. I think you have some idea, but it sounds like it’s an energy you are less familiar with. It’s not unusual though, especially for people who grew up with strong religious programming. So let’s help you get more clear about this, because feminine energy is sooooooo much more than a skirt and pleases and thank yous. When you put a skirt on or say thank you when a guy opens the door, what EXACTLY do you feel inside? How would you describe what you feel like when you put a skirt on or when a guy opens the door for you?
I also want to give you an analogy that I LOVE that describes the relationship between male and female energy….both in a relationship AND the masculine and feminine energies that live within each of us. The female energy is powerful, multi-directional, creative, tangential, adventurous….like a stream or river. The masculine energy helps give a general direction…like the shoreline to the water. The male energy is more silent and guides the female energy in a respectful and quiet and solid way. The water can move as fast or slow as it wants, it can move in a million different directions, it can be playful etc. Does this kind of analogy make sense for you?
Lastly, I want to encourage you to be a little less available for this guy. You came out of the gate offering quite a few compliments about things that you actually don’t know about him yet. Maybe offer just 1 or 2 at the most and make sure they are compliments that are actually valid. With how you have responded to him, you come across as EASILY available and you don’t create any kind of energy that would make him feel like he has to work for you. For example, “I’m also impressed with your active lifestyle and how you treat women. I think we have lots to share and talk about – too much for now.” You actually have no idea how active he REALLY is or how he actually treats women, until you have many experiences with him to see what he is like across all kinds of situations. If he is a good looking man, I’m sure many women are throwing themselves at him, as a good looking older man is hard to find. So I imagine he is used to getting a TON of compliments and women trying to appeal to him. So if you present yourself in a way that lets him know you KNOW you are a badass woman and he would be lucky to get to know you….he will be attracted to that MUCH MORE than a woman who comes across as “eager.” Instead of saying I think we have lots to share and talk about – too much for now….I would just delete that line and share I will share that my favorite sweatshirt says, “Underestimate me. That will be fun.” (playful wink) This was great! It’s funny, it’s charming and playful. That says enough about you at this point. You also saying he earned “brownie points” is kind of presumptuous that he is even interested in earning brownie points with you and saying he was kind, thoughtful and generous is overdoing it. Stay more simple by saying “that was really nice of you to help your friend move. Having moved many times myself, I know it’s not the most fun thing to do.” All of this that you said was great: Then I said OOOoooooooo (bashful smile) (said softly, playfully with sly wink) I like your idea of an adventure. (blush) May I ask for Welches Sparkling Strawberry Daiquari, though, as I don’t drink – at all. I’ll explain later if you’d like. Then asked how his week was going. I’m not sure if there are actual emojis in the parentheses or are you actually writing out those words?
Also, I would recommend to avoid super simple and uninteresting questions that are pretty mundane for most people like “how was your week? or are you tired?” Those are questions that regular people ask each other all the time. You want to ask him questions that are unusual and fun to answer and will keep him engaged and interested. You want to stand out compared to the rest of the people. So another way to ask that same question would be “If you were to rate your week from 1-10, how good was it? If it is less than a 10, what would have made it a 10?” Or you could have asked more about the adventure he started to create with you.
Does all of this make sense??? I know I picked apart your response, but I want you to know that you have come such a long way compared to where you started! You are much more confident, you are much more grounded and centered and overall, your response to him was great! The one pattern you have that keeps showing up is over complimenting someone. That’s really about it and that can easily be shifted. So lets look at that pattern you have. What is happening inside of you that you feel you need to dowse a man with compliments? What are you hoping to accomplish? I know you want to make him feel good, but I know enough about you to know there is an insecurity that underlies that intention. If you didn’t offer so many compliments, what do you think would happen? Do you think they may not be interested in you? Just some things to think about….
You seriously are badass Rhonda. Any guy would be lucky to have you!!!
Heidi
Hi Pearlyn,
Okay…I get it. Yes there is ALWAYS a chance of reconciliation and there isn’t. There is just no possible way to predict what will happen. My suggestion is to TRULY let him go and DO NOT hold out for hope. Create full and complete closure in your heart. Close the door on the idea of you and him together. I suggest this because it allows you to move on with your life. If you guys end up crossing paths again and some sparks fly, then you guys can deal with it then. OR…someone else can come into your life that is more on the same page as you. Either way, creating an ending is really important so you then become available for whatever is next. As long as you keep attached to him, you are not truly available for a new experience. I’d hate to see that happen for you.
So it’s time to go pick up your stuff and face the hurt that comes with letting him go. I promise it will get easier with time. Go rip off the bandaid and find out you’re okay!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Tiffany,
Great to hear from you. Thank you for the update. There is one thing I want to invite you to really consider. I know it “feels” right for you and maybe for him too. The thing is, that actually doesn’t matter. The connection itself DOES NOT equal a healthy, nourishing, sustainable relationship. The connection is just a feeling. A powerful one for sure, but VERY FAR from what is needed to have a relationship.
What is more important is HOW you both express that connection and what you do with it. I recently had an experience with an old boyfriend where the connection between us got re-activated….and in a way that shocked me. But in the end, he did not have or could offer me the level of relationship I am interested in. It was soooooo incredibly difficult to say goodbye and cut ties, but I KNEW that he just was not emotionally available to the level I need. He for sure has the potential, but it’s not who he is present day. And so that’s what I’d like you to consider. From what you KNOW about him, despite the connection, he is NOT emotionally available for you right now. I’m glad you are giving him space and time, but I’d also like to see you move on with your life. If you guys come back together at some point, then you can re-evaluate at that time. But for now, present day, he is not available for you. Would you be willing to let him go? Are you willing to go on other dates?
I’m curious…are you guys talking at all? Or have you guys completely disconnected and for how long?
Heidi
Hi Miss M,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story. I totally get why you are confused. He IS sending mixed messages. Patterns have changed, some of his thoughts don’t include you and you are correct in questioning what is REALLY happening.
I can’t tell you what he is doing, but from what you explained, it sounds like you both are NOT on the same page.
First, he believes he cannot have a serious relationship without having a house first. Second, he is having some connectivity issues for whatever reason. He’s warm and caring and present and then he isn’t. Third, he talked about buying a van and doing it up, yet he doesn’t want to go on as many dates because it stresses him financially??? A bit contradictory there. AND he talked about going to the beach and not including you in that vision he has.
Basically, all of this tells me he is not quite invested. Regardless of how things are between you guys in person, the connection is NOT carrying over into the times you are apart and it’s not carrying over in his thoughts about the future. My best guess is that he truly is connected and likes you, but at the same time, he isn’t fully invested and probably isn’t sure how long you guys will date for. He definitely has the breaks on…and who knows if it’s the combination of you 2 together or if he would be like this with any girl. He may be really terrified of getting too close with a woman because he’s been hurt.
Do you know much about his relationship past? What’s his relationship like with his parents? Have you ever met his parents? What’s his goal for when he is moving out of his parent’s house? I imagine that, in and of itself, is SUPER stressful for him. Living with parents at 30, no matter the reason or how valid it is, can be pretty tough for a 30 year old…and even moreso for a guy. This may be a BIG block for him, depending on his relationship with his parents.
Either way, it may be time to have a chat and to just begin to understand the deeper levels of what is happening for him. Do you feel comfortable talking to him about it? We can coach you through how to approach it in a healthy way that will keep him open vs. defensive.
Heidi
Hi Susan,
Would you mind sharing some of the details about your conversation with him? You said you want to talk a little further and want him to know you respect his feelings about his wife. Do you feel that did not come across very well? Did you guys talk at all about what he DOES want? If he is just wanting friendship and that’s it, then what’s with the cuddling etc? Does he have ANY romantic feelings for you? How was it left?
Heidi
Oh man. I’m so sorry! It DOES sting. It’s really hard to go through these kinds of moments.
Who knows…as you let the idea go, someone else will be able to catch your interest that is a much better match for you. Do you feel okay about letting this go or do you find yourself wanting to hold on?
Heidi
Help us understand a bit more. You said he has finished the work, so does that mean he is no longer at your house? Did he complete the project? Does that mean you won’t be seeing him anymore?
Do you guys have each other’s phone numbers?
The next thing to do is take this guy off the pedestal you have him on. I know you really like him, but Spyce asked a REALLY important question that is crucial to pay attention. Do you think he is out of your league or something? Usually when people respond the way you are responding, they have the belief that the person they are attracted to is better than them. They have thoughts like “Why would someone like him/her ever be interested in someone like me?” “There’s no way he/she would like me.” Are you having those kind of thoughts?
If you are, it’s SUPER important to address IMMEDIATELY because he will be attracted to your confidence. Your insecurities will be a turn off to him. You want to be that woman who deeply respects herself and KNOWS that she is a catch. You want to be that woman, though shy, who also has the strength to flirt and offer connection WITH CONFIDENCE. I know you don’t quite feel that way about yourself, so this is the PERFECT time to start practicing and connecting to your greatness.
Thoughts?
Heidi
You crack me up!!!
Let’s explore this further!
Just because you’ve been told you are too forward or too independent doesn’t mean you need to listen to that. It’s all about perspective. I remember 1 boyfriend I had said the most brilliant thing. I remember making a comment once when I had met a girl-friend of his and I said “Man, I can tell she is high maintenance.” His response was something to the effect of “She’s not high maintenance if she finds the right kind of mechanic.” I was blown away by his response because it probably was the most emotionally intelligent thing I had ever heard him say! lol. So with that being said, you are NOT “too” anything. First thing’s first. Be aware that “too” is a judgment word. So whenever I hear that word in reference to a behavior…Too this or too that….I know the energy is judgment and I don’t give it too much power. I take it with a grain of salt. I know PLENTY of men who value and appreciate a woman who is independent and straightforward! Those qualities are so important as they signify confidence. It’s more about the energy in which you express your independence, right? There is a difference between saying “Thank you for the offer, but I can take care of myself” and “Thank you so much for offering your help! I am able to take care of this, but I promise if I get stuck, I will ask for your help.”
You may be putting more male energy/dominant energy out there and that would make sense in that it’s comfortable for you. It is the energy you have lived with for soooooo long. So the idea here is to NOT lessen the male energy, but instead INCREASE your feminine. So let’s talk about what that means. You said you want to come across as soft and feminine and not overbearing. What would that look like exactly? What else would you consider feminine besides soft?
Heidi
