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Hi Anna,
What kind of “sweet” texts are you sending every day? When he responds, does it lead into a bit of a conversation at all?
As far as the self-actualized part, I would say you are putting him on a bit of a pedestal. He may be educated and skilled, creative and spiritual, but you don’t REALLY know how any of that plays out in his life. It’s one thing to know stuff, but a completely different thing to use that knowledge in your life. So a truly self-actualized person becomes and lives the information they know. You barely know him so to give him such credibility is turning him into someone you actually don’t know that he is. All you know about him is what he has told you and that’s is truly a very small part of the story of who he is. I’m wondering if he senses this from you. If he feels like you have him on a pedestal, it will cause him to create some distance. When guys feel this, they don’t have to chase the woman, they don’t have to work for her attention and they typically won’t respect the woman.
The fact that he is not initiating any contact could mean he isn’t interested, but if you are texting daily, then you don’t really give him space to initiate. How do you feel about NOT sending any texts for a while and see what he does with that?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Christina,
You are doing a great job! Make sure you really give yourself credit for what you are facing!!! Like Spyce said, cry all you want!!! Your tears are not just about Mike, but about MANY things that have built up over the years, so your tears need to keep flowing. It reminds you that you are alive and that you have made through A LOT!
Let’s talk about you getting closure. What would you want to say to Mike to create closure? What are you hoping to have happen if you have this conversation with Mike?
It’s okay that you care! It’s important to really pay attention to where you are judging yourself. Remember that ALL of your feelings and desires are okay! They are reflections of your inner world. It’s what you do with those feelings that can impact a situation. Allow yourself the space to feel ANYTHING you want instead of judging them and burying them away. Make sense?
You are doing such a great job Christina! The amount of courage and strength you have to be connecting with this pain and hurt is amazing! You are taking a very rare path of TRULY healing your pain instead of putting a band-aid on it. Gosh, I can’t tell you how much I respect you for doing this. I too have taken this journey and always will. It’s freaking hard sometimes, but without a doubt, the rewards outweigh the challenges. Keep going!
I don’t blame you for wishing you hadn’t tasted the water. There is suffering in it because you can’t have it. Let’s see if we can put a different spin on this water and help you connect to being in gratitude for the gift it brought you. First, this experience with him let you know the love that lives within you, despite a very poor upbringing. You KNOW now that you have the ability to connect and feel passion and feel love and feel alive. Second, you KNOW that it exists now. You KNOW you no longer have to live in an environment that is toxic. In essence, this experience with him has given you a new standard. Now that you KNOW what is possible, this is your new baseline. You will accept NOTHING LESS than this. Third, it’s always a BEAUTIFUL gift to get to feel these kinds of romantic feelings. It nourishes the heart, it feeds the confidence, it helped you access your beautiful feminine energy, it strengthens your immune system, it activated your vision of what is possible, it taught you a new way to interact with a man, it brought a lot of laughter and joy into your life and most of all, it woke you up to what is possible. So are you REALLY telling me that would rather NOT have experienced all of this, just because you have to let it go, because you have more healing to do first? I mean I get how hard it is to let this go, but at the same time, this guy brought some brand new things into your life that are ESSENTIAL for you to experience in order to grow. I can’t tell you how many times I have crossed path with a guy that I wanted to continue with, but I knew that he really only had a specific purpose in my life for a short time and that was all it was meant to be. Looking back at those experiences, I am soooooo so grateful for their gifts and what they activated in me, so I could be here today, living my life the way I live it. It feels like that is what this guy is for you. He is here for a short season to bring you some gifts for your growth and then you will part ways. I GUARANTEE you, he won’t be last. You have MANY wonderful experiences waiting for you and experiences that will hurt again. It’s okay though as it’s just part of life and it will always be this way. As you internally get stronger and stronger, you will breeze through the challenges and live the majority of your life in joy and pleasure.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there,
Sounds like maybe the depression is shifting a bit, yes? Or maybe you are just trying to be your positive self and not give as much energy to how much you are really struggling.
When you message him again, maybe ask him less questions. You ask 5 questions in a row and it has to potential to feel overwhelming and eager. Just pick 1 subject and 1 question to ask. You can say something like, “I would love to hear about how your golf outing went. Hopefully, the weather cooperated and that you had some fun. I love pool, but am consistently inconsistent. Some games, I’m magical and other games, it looks like I’ve never played before. I have fun regardless. Are you and your son any good?”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh wow! You really went for it! Well done! You get to practice becoming better at relationships then! I have no doubt you can do it. Being successful in other areas of your life means you have the intelligence and skillset to create whatever your heart desires. Keep going, no matter how many times you fail or get discouraged. That’s part of building strength, right? And boy do we need strength to be in a healthy relationship, so every single experience you have is helping you.
He’s a fully self actualised guy. What does this mean to you? You barely know this guy, so how do you come to have this vision of him?
So he mentioned to start with texts. Has he texted you? That’s a bit challenging. Why not suggest to meet up for a chat over coffee or something or set up a time for him to come over for some tea and snacks. Doing something like that first can be really helpful and can make it much easier to lead into a continued conversation over text.
Maybe you can start with a fun, easy question to answer. With texts, be mindful that people typically don’t like to have long conversations or answer with long answers, so asking questions that require shorter answers and are fun to think about, will help. Something like, Are you a morning person or evening person? What’s your favorite holiday? What’s your favorite meal? If you could hop on a plane now and go anywhere you wanted, where would you pick? If you HAD to lose one of your senses, which one would you pick? These questions are light and easy and will help keep things on the slower side.
Thoughts?
HeidiWow! He actually told you again about Anna and how he missed her. It does sound like he still has some energy to release about her. It’s good they are no longer going to have contact. It will allow him to completely heal and hopefully be able to open his heart to you. That must have kind of stung to hear that though.
Regardless, he is still being quite connective which is pretty great! You guys are truly developing a real friendship and you are becoming someone quite important to him. He would miss you too if you disconnected from him.
I completely get what you are saying about Dave. The thing is, you were pretty clear and Dave is still trying. I don’t think it’s because you weren’t clear enough, I just think he isn’t listening. He wants what he wants and he is going after it and going to keep trying. I can see why 1 more conversation can be helpful to completely shut down all possibilities he thinks he has with you. Poor Dave. Urequited “love” is always incredibly difficult. I’ve had handful of crushes myself that went nowhere and they completely suck! lol. It’s an essential part of life that though, right?
Looking forward to hearing how the concert and hike goes!
Heidi
Hi Amy,
Yay! I’m sooooo glad you had that breakthrough! It’s a REALLY REALLY big deal! You FINALLY felt yourself get control instead of your emotions controlling you. You stepped into being the woman you want to be and you felt who you want to be! This is definitely something to celebrate! I really am proud of you. Well done! I’m glad you are working with Rachel as well. Does she have experience working with sexual abuse victims and PTSD?
I’m sorry he doesn’t recognize it as something to celebrate with you. He doesn’t truly understand you or what you are going through. I’m also sorry to hear he isn’t open to getting help and that he thinks he has nothing to do with the breaking of your relationship. So it sounds like he also breaks his integrity and cheats when things get tough. Am I understanding this correctly? It sounds like he has some pretty strong narcissist tendencies. People like that believe their own stories. There is NO room for anybody else’s story to exist. THey are ALWAYS right and they are always the one in control of the situation. When there are stronger tendencies, they will never get help, as that admits to them being “wrong” and they don’t have the tolerance for that. They rarely say “I’m sorry” or take ownership for their actions. They are always pointing the finger at someone else for whatever is wrong. Would you say this is an accurate description of him?
It makes me sad that he is not willing to take responsibility for himself in this whole situation. As long as he maintains that mindset, there really is no relationship to work on. You can get better all you want, but all that will happen is he will continue with his patterns, he will continue to cheat and he will continue to blame you for his unhappiness. The relationship will not grow/heal if he is not willing to do the work for his side of the equation. I hope at some point that he will be willing.
It’s not a matter of whether he loves you or not. Love simply is just not enough. If it were, we wouldn’t have a divorce rate over 50%. Love is only part of the equation. You have to have 2 people willing to nourish, take care of, support and honor that love if the relationship is going to work. It sounds like he is not willing to do that at this point. I’m glad he at least is going to think about it.
Keep us updated!
Heidi
Hey there,
Wow…it sounds like this process was more than everyone was expecting. I’m so sorry to hear that. I know how scary the unknown can be. It helps to have a doctor you trust and feel safe with. This is for sure your final surgery? Will this be your very first chemo treatment? How many chemo treatments will you have?
I know it’s confusing how you should respond with this guy. There hasn’t been enough time to really establish anything, so at this point, it’s just a guess. You can maybe send a message like “I know everyone handles grief very differently. Some people like to be left alone and others want connection. I’m not sure what your needs are, so I’m just going to send this last message and let you know I’m thinking about you and your family and sending a lot of good vibes in your direction. I’m not sure if you feel like you want to keep connecting, so if you do, let me know. If you prefer to just be alone right now, I understand that too. I’m going to give you space and trust that you will reach out when you are ready. Sending you a big hug!”
This message at least lets him know you are here to support him, but the ball in his court and you are going to step back. Like Spyce said, you DO have a TON to deal with in your own situation, so focusing on yourself is a good thing. Let this guy go and if he decides to connect again, you will deal with it at that time.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Ecaterina! I wasn’t sure if this was you from last time!!! So good to hear from you!
I’m really happy to hear you are connecting with someone new. I know it’s his “turn” and under normal circumstances, I would say this is true, but there has been a death and that changes the dynamics. Again, I’m not sure how close he was with his grandfather and how much his death is affecting this guy’s life. So for now, I would not invest too much into whose turn it is to reach out. I suggest you reaching out a little more than normal. Just keep him talking and connected. Help him feel like you are there and supportive and present with him. What are your thoughts on this?
You start chemo next week? Wow! How are you feeling about it? I’d be scared. How many treatments do you have to go through? Did you have surgery yet? I imagine so, if it’s time for chemo.
Heidi
Hi Amy,
Wow! You have a lot going on. Thank you for sharing your story with us and reaching out for help.
I am sooooo so sorry for all that have had to endure in your life. You’ve been through an incredible amount of trauma and you still carry the energy of all of it, every single day. I’m glad you are working with a psychiatrist. Any chance you can start to work with a therapist? Go to emdr.com and see if you can find a therapist in your area with that skillset. It’s on of the quickest methods to help clear PTSD. You can also go to eftunivers.com. They have a method to help clear trauma out of the body as well that you can start using yourself, however with the kind of trauma you have, I highly recommend working with someone or becoming part of a group or something. You are not meant to work through this kind of stuff alone.
As far as him trusting you, he can’t. You can’t even trust yourself. You have strong patterns to sabotage connection cheating. He has also chosen that path now too. So there is A LOT of work you BOTH need to do in order to release and forgive each other as well as people from the past if you guys are ever going to recover from this. Do you think that is something he would be willing to do?
Maybe you can say something like this: “Listen, I know you can’t trust me. I don’t trust myself right now. I have a lot of hurt that I am carrying around and I end up sabotaging connection with you because of it. I want to finally face my past and become the person that I know I am deep inside, beyond the hurt that I carry. I want to work with someone by myself, but would you be willing to work with someone together? We love each other and I deeply want to create a relationship with you that feels safe, solid, nourishing and connected. I believe we can do that. I want to fight for that. Would you be willing to create that with me?”
The Gottman Institute has some very powerful relationship articles, therapists, workshops, books on creating a healthy relationship. Check them out and use them as a resource together. http://www.gottman.com
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Ecaterina,
Great question! I wish we could answer this for you, but it’s just a guessing game at this point. I would say the guy is interested enough to keep connecting and that’s enough for right now. Girls get really confused if a guy doesn’t initiate at least a kiss right from the beginning. I know plenty of guys who like to take things slower than that and I’ve heard a gazillion stories from those guys how the girls end up throwing themselves at them, trying to catch their attention because the girl thinks he doesn’t like them. It’s funny really. It’s a common social program going on between men and women.
For now, I would assume he just takes things slower…which is good! He is asking questions, he is making plans with you (at least until his grandfather died) and it’s enough to keep things moving forward for right now. Do you guys flirt at all?
I would keep reaching out asking how he is doing and if there is anything you can do. You can even say something like, “In honor of your grandfather, how about we meet up for happy hour and you can tell me all about him.”
I know I’m not giving you a clear cut answer. There’s just not enough to go on to say whether he is a slow moving guy or just not really interested. My best guess is that he is slow moving and is going to be even slower moving now that he lost his grandfather. Do you know if they were really close?
Heidi
Hi Christina,
Welcome! We are really glad you are here. You really have been through A LOT!!! Do you know why you stayed for so long? What kept you in a marriage that was not fulfilling your needs? I’m sure you and your therapist have discussed this a lot, but we’d love to hear the basics, so we can support you as well.
My first thought is, go VERY SLOW!!! You have been in the “desert” for sooooooo long and someone comes along and offers you a big glass of water. You drink it right up and it’s the best water you have EVER tasted. The problem is, when you (or any of us) is in scarcity, we don’t have much clarity. This water you are drinking could be full of toxins and you wouldn’t know because the water just tastes so dam good. So that’s why I want to invite you to keep things VERY slow while you get to know this new you. Just because he wants you and makes you feel really good and safe, DOES NOT mean he is good in relationship and that he is a good partner.
Let’s just start here first….do you want more children? That, in and of itself, is a deal-breaker if you don’t. It also sounds like he is really ready to start growing roots with someone. He is ready for marriage, family and love. You are just now exiting that whole scenario. That means you guys are fundamentally on VERY different pages. You have to figure out who the heck you are. You are not ready to jump into another serious relationship and build a whole new family again. I know your marriage has been “dead” for a long time, but it doesn’t change that you were married, that you chose that design for a long time, that you have to create a new version of yourself and you have TONS of thoughts and programs you need to undo. All of that takes time. You aren’t even officially divorced yet and that moment can also be quite impactful for people.
I would just suggest telling this guy that you are taking things slow and you would love to have fun, but the thought of marriage, kids and that jazz is not something you are able to consider at the moment. You have to do some healing first and get rid of the baggage before you are truly available for the next person. Tell him you would love to continue hanging out and connecting, but that’s all it’s going to be for right now.
Thoughts?
Heidi
OMG! I would be depressed too! Living in that much negativity is incredibly challenging. You could do it if you had the mountains and a beautiful environment around you that could fill you back up, but you don’t even have that. No wonder you are struggling.
I’m wondering if God brought you to that project so you could shift the energy. It’s obviously much needed. These men need some serious help!! One technique I use is to designate a journal specifically for creation. If there is something I need to shift or change or need to go a certain way, I write in that journal. I write down exactly what I need to have happen, but I write it in present tense as if it is happening. For example, I have surgery coming up in a few weeks and it’s a risky one. Nothing directly life-threatening, but high risk in the sense that it’s easy for things to get damaged if the surgeon is not careful. So I’m writing in my journal EXACTLY how I want the surgery to go. How I’m feeling, how the surgical staff is feeling, how I’m easily recovering etc. I’ve also sent that exact image to my support team and asked for them to hold that vision in their minds as well. I’ve used this approach many times and have watched how it shifts my situation. So how about you write down (or type) how you want your day to go, how you want your work environment to feel, how you want to feel on your weekends etc. Everything from the weather to the people to your job to your mood etc. Then send it out to people who can support and pray for this vision. Make sure you post it here as well and Spyce and I will also hold the vision for you. This work environment needs to shift and you are the person to do it. This is God’s work, right? Then I want you to continue to post here about all the things, from small to big, that are positive and working well. It may be a small list to start, but I guarantee you, if you are diligent with this process, the list will start to grow. Watch the magic happen Rhonda. These people need your light. Are you willing to do this?
Is Garfield the guy you kind of like that we talked about your responses to him? The one who is good looking, active and treats women well?
Heidi
Hi Annika,
I’m glad to know that you are very forgiving and understanding! It’s such an important quality to have if any relationship is going to work. I know you understand where he is coming from and why he did what he did. What you are not connecting to though, is that he chose to cheat. Yes, it’s been hard since Covid…for everyone. What we are seeing about people is HOW they handle their stress. He has shown you that under enough pressure and under enough stress, he will break his integrity. That will not change unless he truly addresses his core fears and establishes new, healthier ways to handle stress when it shows up. I’m not saying to end things. What I am saying is that when something this big occurs in a relationship, taking a DEEP dive into the core root causes of the challenges is crucial. What I’m basically saying is that he will break his integrity again. He may not cheat, but he will break his word or sabotage in some sort of way at some point again. He is even still connecting with another woman right now and wanting to step into a poly situation, and not for healthy reasons. He is being super connective now because he finally was honest and his fear of losing you is bigger than his fear of getting close to you and he feels some relief from no longer hiding what he did. Eventually, the dynamics will change again because he is not addressing/healing the core, deep fears that caused him to break his integrity in the first place. I’m only shining a light on this for you so you know what you are walking into and you know what to pay attention to.
I completely understand your need for a visit. I hope this brings you clarity in the way you are hoping for. Are you considering doing the poly thing with him? What have you guys discussed as far as the next steps for your relationship? How are you currently feeling about all of it?
Heidi
