Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Kimberly,
Thank you for being so honest and straightforward with all you are dealing with. It really helps us know how to best guide you!
First, I am soooo so sorry for all you have been dealing with. When you say you are in treatment, what does that look like? Private Therapy? Group Therapy? Anti-depressants? What kinds of changes are you noticing within yourself. You say it’s working for you and the depression is “controlled” but what does that mean exactly?
I’m sure you have heard this many times before, so let’s discuss this a bit. You can only love someone else to the extent that you love yourself. So you want these “tips” to work and to be authentic and the best way to ensure that, is that it comes from your heart. You have to have self-love in order to activate that heart energy to share with someone else.
Have you expressed your thoughts that you shared here, with your husband? It would be a great discussion to have as he would understand what your intentions and deep desires are.
Let’s get more clear here. What EXACTLY are the needs he is getting met online that you are not giving him? Does he still feel trapped? Does he feel like if he leaves, you are going to attempt suicide again? What DOES work in your relationship? How do you guys function with each other each day? Do you guys ever flirt? have date night? have sex? have fun together? laugh together?
There are a lot of things to do here, but some tips will be more impactful than others, depending on your situation.
Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Heidi
Hi Suad,
We are really glad you are here. Thank you for sharing your story.
I understand your confusion and the hurt that you are feeling. I want to encourage you to slow down quite a bit. I know there are MANY similar things between you guys and it sounds like a strong friendship was really being established. The thing is, you barely know each other and you were already talking about marriage. Then he started sending you nudes and you didn’t respond in the way he wanted. And that’s totally okay! You were just being yourself. All that happened is you both learned that in the area of sexuality, there are some differences. It sounds like this was the beginning of him pulling away. So it makes me think 1 of 2 things. It could be that he was really not as invested as you think. There are PLENTY of guys who know exactly how to rope a woman in. They know what to say, how to say and how to really get a hold of a woman’s heart and that leads into them getting to have sex. So it could be that this guy was going more for the sex than the actual relationship with you. I know you have spent hours talking and there was a strong connection. Believe me, I have seen guys go to GREAT lengths, such as these, to get a woman in bed. It’s not just about the sex, it’s about getting the woman attached. It gives the guy a feeling of power and self worth. The other option is that he learned you are not like-minded when it comes to sex and he is not willing to really explore this further with you. If this is true, then he is not a guy that you want to have in your life. If he is THAT easily dis-interested, then he is not what you thought he was. A 3rd option is something could have happened in his life you are not aware of. Maybe an x-girlfriend came back into the picture, maybe someone died, maybe he got some really bad news.
It’s a guessing game at this point, but either way, what you DO know about him is that he is not being honest and authentic with you. I know you feel like he is the best thing that happened to you and that you want to marry him, but also consider how he is treating you. He is stringing you along, he is not being honest about his feelings and he is ghosting you and rejecting you all over the place. What this tells you is that this guy doesn’t know how to face something difficult. He isn’t caring about you and how he is affecting you. Instead he is running from the problem and avoiding being straight up with you. This guy would NOT be a good partner to go through life with. When things get hard, he would avoid the problem, his feelings and he would avoid you.
I know this is not what you want to hear, but I wanted to at least bring this to your attention. When it comes to picking a lifelong partner, how they handle stress is probably THE MOST IMPORTANT part of the relationship and this guy is failing big time.
Let’s talk a little more about you. You said after reading all the books that you see all the things you’ve been doing wrong. What do you feel you are doing wrong? Have you asked him directly about why he is disconnecting from you?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
Lovely to meet you! You are asking some pretty deep questions that have a lot of layers to it. The information you purchased has a lot of very powerful information about how to better support your connection with your man. The more you understand how men operate, you are better able to “speak their language” so to speak.
It sounds like your guy is pretty disconnected though. Would you mind sharing more details about what’s going on with you guys? Do you know why he is so emotionally detached? Are you concerned about him cheating or leaving because he has done it before, or because he is emotionally detached? There are a lot of nuances to every single situation, so the more you are willing the share, the more specific we can get with the guidance we offer.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Heidi
Wow! You sure do have a lot going on! I’m really impressed with how you have filled your life up with a lot of variety and finding different ways to support and help wherever needed. Being busy is a GOOD thing!
I don’t have any broader agenda other than love and friendship?? This is a BIG agenda. Your agenda is about connecting and bonding with someone deeply that will carry through for a very long time and hopefully for the rest of your life. That’s why we are encouraging you to slow things down in your mind about him. You know so little, yet you keep making statements like “He is very polite, sociabke, kind and emotionally intelligent” when this is a VERY small picture of him. You are turning the small observations into a really big picture about him. He might be all of these things while at work, but you don’t know if he is any of these things away from work. You don’t know his worst side, you don’t know what he is like when he is angry or hurt, you don’t know what he is like behind closed doors. His worst qualities are actually THE MOST IMPORTANT qualities you want to know before giving him the green light. It’s the worst qualities in someone that will make or break a couple. Studies have shown that how the couple treats each other in their worst moments is what determines the longevity and the quality of connection. So he could be absolutely wonderful at work, but when he is stressed or angry, he could be verbally or physically abusive. When his feelings get hurt, he could go completely cold and disconnect and disappear. My point being….is that what you are seeing and experiencing with him is such a small fraction of the whole of who he is, so keep yourself in check and make sure to get this guy off the pedestal you are putting him on.
With all of that being said, it’s sooooo fun to connect with someone new and get the butterflies and feel those amazing chemicals coursing through our bodies when we think about them. It sounds like you guys have a pretty good texting rhythm. It sounds like he initiates some and you initiate some. That is the balance that you want to create with him. If you are initiating contact way more than him, take a step back and let him come to you. Just keep going slow and have patience. I imagine that will help him feel more comfortable opening up to you over time. Hopefully, soon he will ask to see you in person.
As far as this other guy, give it a whirl! It doesn’t matter that you don’t have the same “passion” as with Ricky. This friend of yours is a different experience for you and it’s sooooo good just to try on everything and see who you are. This guy will bring out different sides to you that Ricky doesn’t. So I like to encourage people to get out and try on all different kinds of experiences. Walk through the door and just go 1 day at a time. How do you feel about this?
Heidi
Hi Amy,
Thank you for sharing more detail. It sounds like you guys used to have a wonderful connection.
The thing I’m just going to keep coming back to, is that he is not willing to grow and learn. There truly is nothing you can do to grow a relationship if one person is just going to blame the other and not take responsibility for their part in the whole thing. It’s truly that simple and there really is not other way around it. For a healthy love to grow and flourish, it really takes BOTH people.
You are with someone who has strong narcissistic tendencies which means the only way for you guys to be happy, is for you to continue to give him your power. As long as you play by HIS rules, his needs, his story, his viewpoints and you continue to make yourself wrong and him the “victim” then you guys can keep your relationship going. If that’s what you want, then all that really needs to happen to repair everything is to just make him feel like he is the best thing that ever happened to you, you will do ANYTHING for him, you will always serve him, you will not confront him, you will not ask for anything to change, you will not ask for your needs but instead you will focus on his needs. As long as you keep going to therapy and making yourself the one that needs to be “fixed” and he just gets to live his life the way he wants, then you guys are good to go. It will take some time, but if you just fall in line with everything he wants and say everything he needs to hear, you will be able to reign him back in.
The reason he got defensive with that text I constructed is because you are asking him to “work” on the relationship with you. That would insinuate that he has a part in what is going wrong and someone with strong narcissistic tendencies will not view it that way. Does that make sense?
Instead, you would need to agree with everything he says. He has a specific story about everything that is happening. So do you. All you need to do is align with HIS story and make his version the “right” version. Does that make sense? So you can say something like “You know I’ve been thinking about what you said. You’re right. I really have a lot of things I need to fix about myself. I know how stressful I have been for you and I want to fix that. I love you and I want to be the best kind of partner I can be for you. I will continue to keep working on that. Thank you for giving me a little time to try and fix everything. I know you have 1 foot out the door and I sure don’t blame you for that. I’ve done some terrible things. I promise to get better.” Something to that effect will soothe a narcissist. Remember, everything is about HIM and not you.
I know this sounds intense and you may not agree with this approach, as it’s really putting all of your needs, your thoughts, your feelings away and existing for him only. The reality is though, that’s the ONLY way to stay in a relationship with a narcissist. It’s not a relationship otherwise. It’s unhealthy and extremely unbalanced and it’s damaging to you. But it sounds like you are still committed to him, so the approach above is what will work until you decide you want to have a different kind of experience.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
What kind of “sweet” texts are you sending every day? When he responds, does it lead into a bit of a conversation at all?
As far as the self-actualized part, I would say you are putting him on a bit of a pedestal. He may be educated and skilled, creative and spiritual, but you don’t REALLY know how any of that plays out in his life. It’s one thing to know stuff, but a completely different thing to use that knowledge in your life. So a truly self-actualized person becomes and lives the information they know. You barely know him so to give him such credibility is turning him into someone you actually don’t know that he is. All you know about him is what he has told you and that’s is truly a very small part of the story of who he is. I’m wondering if he senses this from you. If he feels like you have him on a pedestal, it will cause him to create some distance. When guys feel this, they don’t have to chase the woman, they don’t have to work for her attention and they typically won’t respect the woman.
The fact that he is not initiating any contact could mean he isn’t interested, but if you are texting daily, then you don’t really give him space to initiate. How do you feel about NOT sending any texts for a while and see what he does with that?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Christina,
You are doing a great job! Make sure you really give yourself credit for what you are facing!!! Like Spyce said, cry all you want!!! Your tears are not just about Mike, but about MANY things that have built up over the years, so your tears need to keep flowing. It reminds you that you are alive and that you have made through A LOT!
Let’s talk about you getting closure. What would you want to say to Mike to create closure? What are you hoping to have happen if you have this conversation with Mike?
It’s okay that you care! It’s important to really pay attention to where you are judging yourself. Remember that ALL of your feelings and desires are okay! They are reflections of your inner world. It’s what you do with those feelings that can impact a situation. Allow yourself the space to feel ANYTHING you want instead of judging them and burying them away. Make sense?
You are doing such a great job Christina! The amount of courage and strength you have to be connecting with this pain and hurt is amazing! You are taking a very rare path of TRULY healing your pain instead of putting a band-aid on it. Gosh, I can’t tell you how much I respect you for doing this. I too have taken this journey and always will. It’s freaking hard sometimes, but without a doubt, the rewards outweigh the challenges. Keep going!
I don’t blame you for wishing you hadn’t tasted the water. There is suffering in it because you can’t have it. Let’s see if we can put a different spin on this water and help you connect to being in gratitude for the gift it brought you. First, this experience with him let you know the love that lives within you, despite a very poor upbringing. You KNOW now that you have the ability to connect and feel passion and feel love and feel alive. Second, you KNOW that it exists now. You KNOW you no longer have to live in an environment that is toxic. In essence, this experience with him has given you a new standard. Now that you KNOW what is possible, this is your new baseline. You will accept NOTHING LESS than this. Third, it’s always a BEAUTIFUL gift to get to feel these kinds of romantic feelings. It nourishes the heart, it feeds the confidence, it helped you access your beautiful feminine energy, it strengthens your immune system, it activated your vision of what is possible, it taught you a new way to interact with a man, it brought a lot of laughter and joy into your life and most of all, it woke you up to what is possible. So are you REALLY telling me that would rather NOT have experienced all of this, just because you have to let it go, because you have more healing to do first? I mean I get how hard it is to let this go, but at the same time, this guy brought some brand new things into your life that are ESSENTIAL for you to experience in order to grow. I can’t tell you how many times I have crossed path with a guy that I wanted to continue with, but I knew that he really only had a specific purpose in my life for a short time and that was all it was meant to be. Looking back at those experiences, I am soooooo so grateful for their gifts and what they activated in me, so I could be here today, living my life the way I live it. It feels like that is what this guy is for you. He is here for a short season to bring you some gifts for your growth and then you will part ways. I GUARANTEE you, he won’t be last. You have MANY wonderful experiences waiting for you and experiences that will hurt again. It’s okay though as it’s just part of life and it will always be this way. As you internally get stronger and stronger, you will breeze through the challenges and live the majority of your life in joy and pleasure.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there,
Sounds like maybe the depression is shifting a bit, yes? Or maybe you are just trying to be your positive self and not give as much energy to how much you are really struggling.
When you message him again, maybe ask him less questions. You ask 5 questions in a row and it has to potential to feel overwhelming and eager. Just pick 1 subject and 1 question to ask. You can say something like, “I would love to hear about how your golf outing went. Hopefully, the weather cooperated and that you had some fun. I love pool, but am consistently inconsistent. Some games, I’m magical and other games, it looks like I’ve never played before. I have fun regardless. Are you and your son any good?”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh wow! You really went for it! Well done! You get to practice becoming better at relationships then! I have no doubt you can do it. Being successful in other areas of your life means you have the intelligence and skillset to create whatever your heart desires. Keep going, no matter how many times you fail or get discouraged. That’s part of building strength, right? And boy do we need strength to be in a healthy relationship, so every single experience you have is helping you.
He’s a fully self actualised guy. What does this mean to you? You barely know this guy, so how do you come to have this vision of him?
So he mentioned to start with texts. Has he texted you? That’s a bit challenging. Why not suggest to meet up for a chat over coffee or something or set up a time for him to come over for some tea and snacks. Doing something like that first can be really helpful and can make it much easier to lead into a continued conversation over text.
Maybe you can start with a fun, easy question to answer. With texts, be mindful that people typically don’t like to have long conversations or answer with long answers, so asking questions that require shorter answers and are fun to think about, will help. Something like, Are you a morning person or evening person? What’s your favorite holiday? What’s your favorite meal? If you could hop on a plane now and go anywhere you wanted, where would you pick? If you HAD to lose one of your senses, which one would you pick? These questions are light and easy and will help keep things on the slower side.
Thoughts?
HeidiWow! He actually told you again about Anna and how he missed her. It does sound like he still has some energy to release about her. It’s good they are no longer going to have contact. It will allow him to completely heal and hopefully be able to open his heart to you. That must have kind of stung to hear that though.
Regardless, he is still being quite connective which is pretty great! You guys are truly developing a real friendship and you are becoming someone quite important to him. He would miss you too if you disconnected from him.
I completely get what you are saying about Dave. The thing is, you were pretty clear and Dave is still trying. I don’t think it’s because you weren’t clear enough, I just think he isn’t listening. He wants what he wants and he is going after it and going to keep trying. I can see why 1 more conversation can be helpful to completely shut down all possibilities he thinks he has with you. Poor Dave. Urequited “love” is always incredibly difficult. I’ve had handful of crushes myself that went nowhere and they completely suck! lol. It’s an essential part of life that though, right?
Looking forward to hearing how the concert and hike goes!
Heidi
Hi Amy,
Yay! I’m sooooo glad you had that breakthrough! It’s a REALLY REALLY big deal! You FINALLY felt yourself get control instead of your emotions controlling you. You stepped into being the woman you want to be and you felt who you want to be! This is definitely something to celebrate! I really am proud of you. Well done! I’m glad you are working with Rachel as well. Does she have experience working with sexual abuse victims and PTSD?
I’m sorry he doesn’t recognize it as something to celebrate with you. He doesn’t truly understand you or what you are going through. I’m also sorry to hear he isn’t open to getting help and that he thinks he has nothing to do with the breaking of your relationship. So it sounds like he also breaks his integrity and cheats when things get tough. Am I understanding this correctly? It sounds like he has some pretty strong narcissist tendencies. People like that believe their own stories. There is NO room for anybody else’s story to exist. THey are ALWAYS right and they are always the one in control of the situation. When there are stronger tendencies, they will never get help, as that admits to them being “wrong” and they don’t have the tolerance for that. They rarely say “I’m sorry” or take ownership for their actions. They are always pointing the finger at someone else for whatever is wrong. Would you say this is an accurate description of him?
It makes me sad that he is not willing to take responsibility for himself in this whole situation. As long as he maintains that mindset, there really is no relationship to work on. You can get better all you want, but all that will happen is he will continue with his patterns, he will continue to cheat and he will continue to blame you for his unhappiness. The relationship will not grow/heal if he is not willing to do the work for his side of the equation. I hope at some point that he will be willing.
It’s not a matter of whether he loves you or not. Love simply is just not enough. If it were, we wouldn’t have a divorce rate over 50%. Love is only part of the equation. You have to have 2 people willing to nourish, take care of, support and honor that love if the relationship is going to work. It sounds like he is not willing to do that at this point. I’m glad he at least is going to think about it.
Keep us updated!
Heidi
Hey there,
Wow…it sounds like this process was more than everyone was expecting. I’m so sorry to hear that. I know how scary the unknown can be. It helps to have a doctor you trust and feel safe with. This is for sure your final surgery? Will this be your very first chemo treatment? How many chemo treatments will you have?
I know it’s confusing how you should respond with this guy. There hasn’t been enough time to really establish anything, so at this point, it’s just a guess. You can maybe send a message like “I know everyone handles grief very differently. Some people like to be left alone and others want connection. I’m not sure what your needs are, so I’m just going to send this last message and let you know I’m thinking about you and your family and sending a lot of good vibes in your direction. I’m not sure if you feel like you want to keep connecting, so if you do, let me know. If you prefer to just be alone right now, I understand that too. I’m going to give you space and trust that you will reach out when you are ready. Sending you a big hug!”
This message at least lets him know you are here to support him, but the ball in his court and you are going to step back. Like Spyce said, you DO have a TON to deal with in your own situation, so focusing on yourself is a good thing. Let this guy go and if he decides to connect again, you will deal with it at that time.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Ecaterina! I wasn’t sure if this was you from last time!!! So good to hear from you!
I’m really happy to hear you are connecting with someone new. I know it’s his “turn” and under normal circumstances, I would say this is true, but there has been a death and that changes the dynamics. Again, I’m not sure how close he was with his grandfather and how much his death is affecting this guy’s life. So for now, I would not invest too much into whose turn it is to reach out. I suggest you reaching out a little more than normal. Just keep him talking and connected. Help him feel like you are there and supportive and present with him. What are your thoughts on this?
You start chemo next week? Wow! How are you feeling about it? I’d be scared. How many treatments do you have to go through? Did you have surgery yet? I imagine so, if it’s time for chemo.
Heidi
