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Oh wow! I love how much fun you are having with this guy! How did you meet him?
There is no red flag that is applicable to every single person, except for certain things like abuse or addictions. Beyond that, red flags are VERY personal and depend on the situation and the people involved.
I wouldn’t say it’s a red flag. When you really are attracted to someone and having fun, it’s a pretty normal thing to want to do. However, it does bring sexuality into the relationship pretty quickly and that can really move things along super fast.
I think that holding off on kissing for a bit is a good thing in the sense that it shows the man has some control over his sexuality. The first kiss is the gateway to sex, so I think the kind of kiss is important to pay attention to and what happens after that. If it was just a sweet connective kiss, that’s nice. If it was a kiss that lead into being more sexual, more touching, more contact, then that would cause me to put up a caution flag for a first date. A guy that turns a kiss into something more sexual on the first date, COULD be indicative of a guy who is out for sex or who doesn’t have good impulse control. Sexual impulse control is SUPER SUPER important to pay attention to with a guy, right? And if you really like a guy, the longer sexual energy is contained and controlled, the higher the odds of building something more are real.
So I guess I’m saying there are a few things to consider before turning it into a red flag.
Heidi
Hi Assi,
Oh I’m soooo so sorry for what you are going through. I know how scary it is to lose a connection with someone you really love.
How come you kissed another guy? What kinds of things do you miss in the relationship but can’t happen anymore?
I’m going to be very direct here. You cannot, nor can anyone promise ANYTHING in a relationship and expect it to always be true. Promising never to cheat is a silly promise for anyone. Promising “til death do us part” is a silly promise. These are promises that have no guarantee to them, so give yourself a break! I know a TON about relationships, patterns etc. and even I have cheated….something I NEVER would have thought I had in me. You know what the gift in that was for me? First, I realized I was capable. Second, knowing I was capable, I had to better learn about myself and what lead me to that decision. It helped me become more aware of when I’m heading into the danger zone of doing something that could sabotage my integrity.
We all mess up in a million different ways. You betrayed his trust. So what! It gives him an opportunity to practice forgiveness in his life. He hasn’t completely forgiven you. He still has more layers to work through. Forgiveness is ESSENTIAL to a successful relationship. This experience is strengthening the both of you in really important ways as individuals and hopefully as a couple.
But the thing is, you have to forgive yourself as well. You are human, you made a mistake and you will make MANY MANY more. If you are not able to completely forgive yourself, then that just acts as a barrier to connection and that part is on you. Can you love yourself, even in your worst moments? That’s the hardest part of life and a strong sticking point for most people.
What I would suggest is to view this “mistake” as a gift. Yes, it caused pain, but pain is what motivates us to grow and heal, right? Can you imagine if there were no pain? No one would grow! That’s the only purpose of pain, really. It creates movement in people and helps motivate us to grow into a version of ourselves, if we so choose. Or you can stay punishing yourself and stuck in that energy. That’s the choice you have now.
So let’s talk more deeply about you. What do you understand about yourself and the decision you made to kiss another guy?
Heidi
Hi Rae,
Welcome! Nice to meet you!
I just have a few questions. How old are you guys? So both breakups he used the same reasons of “I just don’t feel the same anymore.” What do you understand about this? Does he say that he just stops having feelings or is there something that is happening between you guys that cause him to take a step back? How long were you together before he broke up the first time and how long before you got back together? When you got back together, did you feel his excitement and connection to you? Do YOU feel when he starts to lose interest in you? How is the sexual connection?
Heidi
How fun! You guys had some flirting! That’s great!
It seems like things are heading in a good direction. How are you feeling about all of it?? Your intuitive sense is keeping you connected, but it also sounds like you are still open to have some other experiences. How are things going with your other friend that’s interested? Have you connected with him at all and maybe considered letting him into your life a little more?
Everybody has had co-dependent relationships. That’s not much info about him. What you want to know more about is what his fears are and where they originated from. Do you know much about his parents and their relationship?
Do you guys ever talk on the phone or is it just texting all the time? Remember, keep it at his pace for right now. The more you respect what “slow” means to him and go at his speed, the more trust you will build with him.
Heidi
This makes sense. Your mom taught you from a very young age that you are not safe to just relax and be yourself. You always need to say and do the right thing in order to create safety in your world. That program is still running in your subconscious. You have consciously done things to shift some patterns of yours, but there’s just still more stuff to work on with it. I imagine that is why you automatically tightened up during your conversation with Barry. A belief VERY deep in you was that you were not “safe” and so your overcompensating/overfunctioning little girl energy stepped up to the plate like she always has and took over. I think that’s why I love dating so much. It exposes us in ways that nothing else can. It’s a very unique kind of teacher.
Maybe consider finding a dance class to attend. Have you ever tried Qoya? I know there are a lot of classes being offered over zoom and I’m happy to get you the link to those. I have a feeling you really might resonate with it. The philosophy and practice is about remembering our feminine wise, wild and free energy. It’s a type of movement/dance class. Here is their main website: https://www.qoya.love
Is the city you are working in, part of Ontario?
What else attracts you to Barry? Do you find him physically attractive? On a scale of 1-10, how attracted to him are you?
You are doing A LOT of things right Rhonda. I think you have a belief that if you were doing more things “right” you wouldn’t be single and that simply is NOT true. Do you feel this is accurate? Let’s talk about this.
Recovery is gonna take a bit. I’m in my 2nd week and still in bed not doing much. Several small walks a day and that’s about it. I’m not in pain though. I’m mostly just tired. I have very little endurance. I know from the last surgery how important it is to honor my energy levels, even though I’m not hurting. I pushed it a little too hard at moments last time and it landed me in bed for longer periods, so I don’t plan on letting that happen this time. It’s awful to say, but the fires in California are filling our skies with smoke, so I can’t really see the mountains or sunshine. In a way, I’m thankful, because it makes it easier to stay in bed. I guess there is a bright side to everything, right?
Heidi
Hey there!
How are you feeling??? How are you doing??? How often are your chemo treatments? I’ve been thinking about you and sending a lot of good vibes your way.
Has that guy contacted you at all? Any new updates?
Heidi
Hi Lily,
Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I just have a few questions. How long were you sleeping together? Did something happen that would have caused him to distance himself? What was the text that you sent him that was immature? Did he respond to that text? Is there any communication at all happening right now?
What do you want with him? It sounds like you want an actual relationship and not a casual friends with benefits kind of thing. Is this correct?
It is a pretty big red flag that women tend to stalk him after breaking things off. There’s 2 reasons that would happen. 1. He is attracted to women who are very clingy, needy and have a lot of low self-esteem and in essence that allows him to always kind of have the upper hand or 2. he is really doing things to have women fall very deeply for him (while he is not falling for them) and then they get shocked when he breaks things off. I could be wrong, but nonetheless…it’s pretty fishy that this is a pattern in his life and would instantly cause me to be VERY cautious until I knew more about him.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
OMG, thank you for asking about my surgery! That’s very kind of you. I just had it this last Monday. Whew! Everything was way better than expected. They were prepared for the worst and booked the room for 8 hours, but instead it was very easy and took 3 hours. I just cried when I found out. This phase of my life is finally coming to a close and all that’s left is to heal. It’s been a VERY long year! Thank you again for asking.
So with both I strove to be “perfect” to minimize the punishment. This is a STRONG program running in your system and will function automatically, most of the time without you even knowing it. It will express itself in many different ways, but I would say that maybe the strongest way it manifests is making sure you are not a burden to anyone and making sure you communicate (in various ways) that you can do everything yourself. Thoughts on this?
I’ve been reading that men love it when a woman makes him feel like a real man, makes him want to protect her. I don’t have the foggiest clue how to do that. Would like to, but don’t know how. You know how Rhonda. You do it all the time with your questions, your laughter, your flirting, your compliments. I think you might be overthinking this one. The analogy I like to use is dancing. When you do any kind of ballroom dancing, the guy leads and the woman follows. That’s all it really is. It’s feeling safe in a man’s arm, letting go of your own male energy and tapping into your female/receiving energy. Men do love that, but they also love a strong woman who can self-guide as well. It’s literally a dance and knowing intuitively how to just be comfortable in both the male and female side of yourself and when to use what.
I’m a little confused about you feeling paralyzed. You feel paralyzed when you are heading back to work or when you are coming home for a quick respite?
Do you actually like Barry and have an attraction to him?
Heidi
Hi Melanie!
Thank you for sharing more personal details about yourself. I’m so so sorry for what you have had to endure in your life. Although it’s a relief for you that your father has passed, it’s still a really big deal and impactful. I’m glad to hear you are going to work on clearing more layers around this.
As far as your vet is concerned, I think I’m a little confused. It sounds like there is some kind of special connection between you and him, but he has a girlfriend. You talk as if you somehow are messing things up between you guys, but he is not available to begin with, so there is nothing to mess up. Is he planning on breaking up with her or something? Have you guys had any kind of discussion about dating or being together?
I’m very clear on what’s going on, I am just very, very hurt. Do you mean you are hurt by him or you are feeling very hurt in general?
I do not like spending my entire life working through things in therapy and losing every man I love to somebody who has never been abused or hurt because they’re easier. This is a very interesting story you have created in your mind. It sounds like you believe things didn’t work with these guys because you are too hard to deal with, considering your past. Where is this story coming from? Things don’t work out because they just don’t. It’s nobody’s “fault” per se, it’s just what happens when 2 people are not able to combine their worlds together in a way that works well. It sounds like you are still giving your past a lot of power in your life. Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Oh man! I know how hard this is. I know how badly you want him to want to be with you. It definitely would hurt to have him go away for a week and not include you in those plans, especially when that was the original plan. I’m so sorry!! I know that hurts your heart!
I am a bit torn, he wanted to be alone, I give him the space by not reaching out to him so much and yet it seems that he wants to feel needed and validated by me, why is it like that? What you are doing is great with him. Him needing space doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. This statement is more black and white thinking. He can have a desire to be alone AND still love you and have needs of wanting to be validated and appreciated. When love is involved, it’s never black and white. It’s always very dynamic. So what you are doing by giving him space and making him feel supported in his choice is working! The fact that he initiated dinner with you is wonderful! That means he is connected enough and feels safe enough to want to be around you and that’s a good thing! He isn’t completely disconnecting from you. So keep doing what you are doing.
Remember what Spyce said? Don’t forget about you! As much as he has needs right now, so do you. So it’s a fine line trying to figure out how to support both him AND yourself in this whole process. Obviously supporting him right now just means at its very core level, acceptance of his choice. What about you? Being that he is not really available to meet your needs, what are doing for yourself? How does his choice affect what you feel about the relationship and him?
Heidi
I’m glad you are able to connect to this part of you! I’m curious…you felt yourself tighten up and you noticed these feelings of needing to control…what did you do? Did you try and start controlling the conversation? How did this manifest in that moment?
Our need to control ultimately comes back to not feeling safe either within ourselves or with someone or within the situation. It’s about not trusting. If you don’t trust yourself, others, life etc. you won’t feel safe, therefore you will have a high need to control.
So when you think about when you tightened up, where was it that you weren’t feeling safe within yourself?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
It sounds like you are uncovering what you would like to experience at this moment in your life. I’m not sure casual is what you are looking for. With all the things you are listing, I would say it’s not “casual.” You want friendship, respect, sex, treated with dignity, connection, touch. You say you are not looking for all the conventional stuff, but everything you want is pretty standard and conventional. These qualities get established through spending time with someone. Yet you want casual, which seems a bit contradictory. You want to meet up with someone or many someones once a week for sex, but that’s not where it’s really ending. Most of what you keep saying you want is a connection and with connection comes vulnerability. Vulnerability and casual typically do not go together. A friends with benefits kind of thing usually doesn’t last very long. Maybe you can give it a shot with your friend that seems to be interested in you. He seems to be a safe person to at least have sex with and feel safe to be yourself with. Maybe you can become part of a swingers club or something. Those kinds of people have a lot of practice keeping things casual and being sexual with each other. They usually have pretty good boundaries and communication between everyone involved.
Have you explored your sexual needs with your therapist? Sometimes our need to scratch the “itch” is not about sex at all, but about other things we are feeling.
No need to let Ricky know anything about your decisions. You guys are not at that level to where you owe each other any kind of explanation about anything. You guys are still pretty casual at this point.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Alice,
We haven’t heard from you in a few weeks, so I thought I’d check-in and see how things are developing. We would love to hear from you!
Heidi
Hmmmm….so interesting. You definitely are in quite a confusing situation. The sex sounds like it was more intimate this time around, which could indicate his feelings for you are deeper. And how sweet that he says you are too beautiful for him. I love that he says that!
It feels like he is falling for you, but maybe like you said…he is so darn slow, it’s hard to really know. It can be terrifying for guys to fall in love. I wonder what his specific fears are about.
You are staying super grounded about this whole thing and I think it will really pay off for you in the end.
So it sounds like you are ready to express how you really feel about him. What do you want to say? What is there to talk about regarding Anna?
Heidi
Hi Melanie,
Thank you for sharing more details. It really helps to have a more clear picture about your situation.
So were you able to tell him everything you wanted to?
You say you pushed him away. He has a girlfriend and is now living with her, so I’m wondering why you are taking responsibility for “pushing him away” when he was never available in the first place. It sounds like the extent of your connection was flirting when you saw each other and exchanging gifts, but that’s about it. You also know that he wants a family and you cannot provide that for him.
Is it ethical? Well that depends on you. If you look at the facts of this situation and take out the emotions, do you feel in alignment with the kind of person you are with him? Do you feel clear in your heart trying to connect with a man who is already taken? Do you feel in alignment with trying to gain the affections of a man whom you KNOW you cannot give him the family that he wants?
I understand your attraction to him and that you cannot help it. It’s just there and it’s so darn powerful and feels so darn good. However powerful that chemistry and connection are, he is not available for you to explore that with.
So what are you hoping to happen? You want him to break up with his girlfriend and be with you? Is that the outcome you are looking for?
Heidi
