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How you about start by telling me all that is good in your life. I want to know what IS working. Give me a list of 10 things that are going well for you and why.
Even if he said “I hope you are doing okay too” it would give you a temporary “fix” but you would end up right back where you are right now, dealing with the loss of him. He is a drug to your system and you are going through withdrawal.
Are you still working with your therapist? Have you gotten back to your morning routine? Are you doing your mindful practices? You need to be dowsing your system with love and support right now. Yes, it’s hard AND this is the time to focus 100% on your healing and recovery. Like a drug addict, they enter into a program and in their withdrawal phase, they are surrounded by support and have several sessions a day with groups and therapists. So what are YOU doing to support yourself? Are you still tapping? Are you getting out into nature? Are you journaling?
I know you want relief from your pain by looking to HIM to fix you by connecting with you. This will do you no favors. You are sooooo oriented to looking to others for your self esteem and value and that will ALWAYS bring you heartbreak. Now is such a special time for you. It’s a gift for you that he isn’t responding. You are having to face yourself and your dependency on others – I know your big beautiful heart wants to love and be loved in healthy ways….well – this is the ONLY way you are going to get that. You HAVE to face yourself and how you move through the world and how it harms you. Because he is not being your source anymore, you are seeing how empty you feel. You are seeing how much suffering that is causing you. This is not about him, this is about YOU actually getting what you want. You want a healthy love that lasts? You have to love yourself first. You have to be the kind of person who stays empowered instead of always giving your power away to others….especially men. So now is the time for you to start to develop your skillset and improve your self-love. It’s not an easy journey, but you can do it. Instead of focusing on everything that you don’t have, encourage yourself with every single little thing you ARE doing. You NEED to fill yourself back up with YOUR love, not his. So it’s even as small as saying “Good job Cindi. I know you didn’t feel like eating breakfast, but you did it. You are continuing to feed your body and I’m proud of you.” “Good job Cindi. You took a shower. I’m proud of you.” “Good job Cindi, you journaled some. I know this is hard, but you are doing a good job today.” I’m guessing that all you are filling your mind with is criticism and judgement. You will never heal nor feel better by talking to yourself that way. Give yourself 50 compliments today and every single day. Ask your friends or family for reasons they love you or care about you. You are in depression and in survival mode, so you are literally in the emotional ICU and that means taking your emotional health VERY seriously or this could spiral into something more.
Heidi
This is great! You closed the door on one more thing. You returned his stuff. AND…you left a note and sent him a message and learned that he is not responding…still. This is part of why you are still feeling impending doom. You keep reaching out to him hoping that he will care enough about you to want to reconnect. But instead, you are being rejected over and over and over again.
Imagine you had a big gash in your leg. It gets cleaned out and stitched up. But then, you exercise BEFORE it’s healed and the wound re-opens. So you take it easy, get it stitched up again, and then you decide to do some yoga. During the stretching, it re-opens again. Instead of letting your wound heal, you keep doing things that continue to irritate it and prevent it from healing.
Emotional wounds are the same. You cannot heal a broken heart as long as you keep putting yourself in a position of breaking it again…and then again…and then again. As long as you continue to put yourself in a situation where you are getting rejected, “impending doom” will only continue. I’m hoping that you are in enough pain now, that you are finally ready to let go of the fantasy you have created around him and the idea of getting back together with a man who keeps rejecting you.
Again, I understand your desire to reach out. I understand why you keep hoping for something to start back up again. Hopefully you are beginning to truly see that he is no longer interested in connecting with you and that the relationship is over. Once you FULLY and COMPLETELY accept that, you can begin to heal. Keep working at it Cindi! I believe in you.
Heidi
Keep us updated! I think it’s a good start. I hope he responds and is willing to reconnect.
Let’s talk about what’s next. Let’s say he does respond to you reaching out and he starts connecting with you again. What’s important to understand is that you need to have a plan to make sure you don’t step back into the same patterns that broke you guys up in the first place. So how are you going to do this differently? It’s something that is important to discuss with him so you BOTH can work together.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Cindi,
I’m checking in. Thinking about you a lot and sending you a lot of good vibes!!!
Here is a podcast that might resonate for you….I listen to it on Spotify, but I believe it’s also on YouTube….
The podcast is called “Know Thyself” and it’s episode 80 with Kelly Brogan.
What’s happening for you right now? I know you were in a phase of really struggling and wanting to reach out. Although I discouraged that, I’m wondering if you still wrote him a letter and tried to make contact. It’s okay if you did! Lord knows I have done that MANY times, even knowing that what I was doing was just continuing to harm myself. Like I have said before, you might not be in ENOUGH pain to truly let him go. Sometimes it takes several rejections to finally face the loss.
Heidi
Of course you do. The way you reconcile it, is by working with the TRUTH and not the stories you are continuing to allow to run in your system. The more you allow the stories your mind has created from what happened to run rampant in your mind and heart, the more you will suffer. It causes you to disconnect from yourself, it causes you to give your power away to HIM, and it keeps you in pain, because it’s IMPOSSIBLE to reconcile anything from lies.
That’s why it’s good for you to keep coming back here. Read my posts where I’m reminding you of the truth over and over and over and over again. You NEED TO get other voices and perspectives in your system that are full of truth, to counteract the lies that are keeping you stuck in the pain. Remember, your feelings are NOT the facts. Your feelings are making up stories that are incredibly painful and you are following those stories instead of shutting them down FAST and putting truth back into your system.
The truth is, he is gone. The truth is, he is not going to fight for you. The truth is, he is not enough for you and you were not enough for him. It’s nobody’s fault. You BOTH have destructive patterns. So what. It’s what you do with it, that matters. He chose to run, you wanted to stay and fight. Who cares why…all you need to know is that he didn’t want to fight. It doesn’t make you any less lovable or worth fighting for, just because he made the choice to run. He gets to run. We ALL have a right to live our lives the way we want and how we choose to live, is reflective of what lives within each of us. His choice to run is about HIM, not you. You could have acted the same exact way with 10 different guys and they would have each responded differently. This guy just happened to be a runner and that has NOTHING to do with you, but instead how he deals with fear in his life.
The more you re-program the TRUTH into your system, the less you will be suffering. You are in pain BECAUSE of the stories you are not working with. So work with your stories. Pretend there is a REAL person saying those stories to you as if it were a friend you are having coffee with. What would YOU say to your friend? Would you tell your friend that she messed up big time and she needs to fix it? Would you tell your friend that she should keep fighting for this guy? Would you tell your friend that she absolutely should keep ruminating on the breakup and write him all these letters telling him how she feels? Would you validate her that it’s her fault that he ran from her because she is just too insecure?
Heidi
I want to validate you. I love how you are seeing your side of things. I honor you. You have this beautiful, beautiful strength within you, to look at yourself and how your fears and insecurities took over. AND, look at what you did? You went looking for information and landed here. Every day you are still choosing to learn and grow from this very hard experience. You are looking at yourself with honesty and not trying to hide from the parts of you that sabotaged the connection. I truly have a lot of respect for you!!!
Now…on the flip side, you are making excuses for him.
I was holding on so tight, it’s no wonder he ran away as fast as he could. This is NOT true. Could he not have responded in a different way?? Of course! Running away is NOT the only way to handle challenges that show up. What HE chose was to shut down, become unavailable and NOT talk to you about it. What HE chose, drastically increased your insecurities, as it would any woman – to go from feeling fully connected to nothing at all….YIKES!!! That’s awful!!! So yes, while you were holding on tight, HIS coping mechanisms contributed to that because he hid from you. And the TRUTH is…even if you weren’t holding on so tight, his coping mechanisms and how he handles relationships stress is still unhealthy and not sustainable for any long term love. He sabotages, he blames and the points the finger at YOU for being the problem, and he runs. Cindi, NO MATTER WHAT YOUR part in this was, he has HIS part that 100% would have sabotaged the love with you regardless.but I think he was afraid to because of the way I was addressing things when I got uncertain and fearful and anxious. So what that he was afraid. EVERYBODY has fear in their lives. It’s HIS job to face his fears and that is NOT what he was willing to do. Like I have told you many times so far, who a person is in their most stressful moments, IS THE DETERMINING FACTOR of whether a relationship is successful or not. Under stress, what did you do? You looked for help and found us. You are posting here every single day asking for help, wanting to learn, taking accountability so you can be better. What did he do??? Nothing. He ran. He ended the relationship. He blamed YOU for how HE felt and discarded you from his life. I do not care what YOU did to activate his fear. You are going to do that to every single relationship you have in your life. That’s what we all do to each other! What you have no control over, is how the other person responds to that fear being activated. The fear you triggered in him existed within him waaaaaaaay before you ever came along. You just pressed the button, but you are NOT the reason the fear is there in the first place. You are NOT the reason he ran. He ran because that is all he is willing to do. He is NOT willing to face his fears. He is NOT willing to face his sabotaging patterns. Remember what his sister in law said? Remember she said it was a pattern of his??? Even if you were the most perfect girlfriend who never had insecurities, I 100% guarantee you that he would have sabotaged the connection, because that is his pattern. He is NOT set up to have a deep, intimate, long lasting kind of love. The fear and baggage he carries every single day, is SO big, that no woman will ever truly have access to his heart. He may connect and love, but he will ALWAYS be limited in how deeply he will connect with a woman. He will ALWAYS keep a woman at arm’s length.
So again, stay in your lane. Take responsibility for your sabotaging patterns, but DO NOT take responsibility for HIS reactions of running. That is 100% on HIM.
Heidi
I just sent you an email.
Having a father like that is incredibly challenging. I completely understand the “comfortableness” of a pattern, even if it’s not a healthy pattern. Our system does that all the time.
My coach has always said “the #1 reason why people don’t get better, is they start to get what they want, but they are not set up to hav it.” I myself have seen this a million times in my life and others I have worked with as well. A person will start to feel happy, or lose weight, or save money, or start to fall in love – but the fears and stories created in their past get activated and come on STRONG and will sabotage whatever is going well….because those stories were imprinted into your system at a young age and have lived with you forever. Those stories are full of low self-esteem. I’m not enough. I don’t trust happiness. Whenever something good happens, something bad always follows. These thoughts are STRONGER than the truth. These stories are STRONGER than what you actually want and are trying to create in present day. So, like you are experiencing with this guy and like you have experienced within yourself…people stay in their comfort zone – even if it’s not a healthy comfort zone. It takes work to undo those stories and create new ones. It takes facing fears. It takes working with your low self-esteem. It takes daily practice of making different choices for yourself. It’s a path very few take, but a path that is FULL of freedom.
Heidi
Hi Celia,
Take it VERY slow. You have a lot of ideas that are great ideas, but just do one thing at a time. Send him the photos with a super simple message and then wait. See if he responds and see if a little connection can start back up again. DO NOT send him anything else. Remember, you guys rushed in really fast and you want to do it differently this time. Hold onto all the other things you got him and don’t send them until it feels more appropriate. If he doesn’t even respond to the first pictures you send, then he is sending you a message that he isn’t ready to connect with you. Maybe he never will be. Maybe he moved on. Who knows. So just try that one thing and DO NOT do any type of relationship talk. No bible verses, no messages about being better together and no “love” words. Keep it VERY simple and friendly to start and see what what his response is.
Heidi
Take your heart out of this for second. Look at his ACTIONS. Look at his CHOICES. Look at how he handled the speed bumps with you. Look at how he handled your feelings. If NOTHING has changed (which it hasn’t because he is the EXACT SAME PERSON), are you willing to be treated like this again? Forget about your feelings of love and connection with him. ONLY look at his actions and choices.
Heidi
Hi Celia,
I like the idea of the photos you have of him. That might be a really nice entry point for re-connecting with him. All you can do is give it a shot and see if he responds.
You can say something like, “Hey, I’ve had these pictures for a while and I just saw them again and thought you might like them. They made me smile. I hope they make you smile too!”
It’s simple, sweet, and leaves the door open for him to have a response without any kind of pressure. Does this feel like a good approach for you?
Heidi
Hi Ann,
The way you share information is very revealing of how independent and self sufficient you are. Again, while it’s a great strength of yours, it can also cause harm. Like you said, you have a difficult time asking for help or accepting generosity. This is because you have a certain “story” that sources what it means to YOU to ask for or accept help. What are the stories you have around these things? What does it mean about YOU if you ask for help? What does it mean about YOU if accept generosity?
I understand this feeling. For me, I defined it as a weakness. I defined vulnerability as weak. I defined asking for help as “I can’t take care of myself.” I had to work to change all of those stories, because none of it was true. The TRUTH about asking for help, whether or not you need it, is 3 fold. First, it’s providing and opportunity for someone else to feel good about getting to help you. Second, it creates a common ground for connection, even if the connection is momentary. Third, it allows YOU to be in a state of receiving – your feminine energy. If you live most of your life in your male, doer/fix it/problem solve/produce energy and you don’t access your feminine energy, you become grossly out of balance. This is true for anyone. They are 2 very different energy systems that NEED to be accessed in order to create synergy, flow, and balance. So…you asking for help, even if it’s from the guy bagging your groceries, you put yourself in a receiving state WHICH IS HEALTHY!!!! I can’t tell you how many times I ask for help or say yes to generous offer and amazing gifts, far beyond what I could imagine, show up for me. A piece of advice is exchanged, an idea shows up, a connection is made that connects me to others that I need. The possibilities of “magic” are endless when you say yes to all different kinds of exchanges with others.
I’ve learned to disregard many of the messages I grew up with, but it’s very likely that I’m still attracting someone who is emotionally unavailable (although the guy I was dating seemed to be more emotionally available than anyone prior). Instead of saying that you are “attracting” how about instead saying “I am CHOOSING” men who are emotionally unavailable. Yes, as you become higher functioning energy, emotionally, and spiritually – the kinds of people you will meet will match your frequency. However, it doesn’t mean that men who are emotionally unavailable don’t show up in your life. What it means is, WHEN they do show up, you can recognize it faster, you are more discerning, and the moment you identify that this man is not available to level you are looking for, you say goodbye and disconnect. It’s about YOU having standards as to how you are treated, YOU being more discerning, and YOU choosing yourself over connecting with an emotionally unavailable man. You KNEW that he disconnected, because he told you that. Yet, you still chose to take a journey with him. You KNEW how he functioned under stress, because he told you. Yet you continued anyway. It’s great that he gave you more than you have experienced prior, which is wonderful! It helps you know and believe what is possible. AND…you are also learning that it’s still not enough. You are also learning where you are negotiating away your standards and how you want to be treated, for connection. And of course! How you were raised, set up that pattern within you. During your most critical and formative years of development where you learn about your value, your parents taught you that you didn’t have value. You were the same as everyone else, which made you anonymous. There is part of the program still running strong enough in your system, that you keep saying yes to men who are not able to offer you that love that never felt in your primary years. So it’s your “younger self” that is choosing these type of men, not your current, adult self. Does this make sense?
I will email you the info. for my Coach.
Heidi
Yes, it hurts. Your birthday, the day that is meant to celebrate your life, was not a day that he cared to celebrate with you…even with a simple “happy birthday.”
he truly doesn’t care about me, and absolutely nothing I do is going to make a difference. Let me ask you something Cindi…if he came back to you today and apologized for his behavior and he wanted to try again and he promised he would never do this again, would you do it? Would you actually step back into a relationship with a guy who is capable of treating you this way? Do you actually think that if he came back into your life and treated you amazingly well, just like in the beginning, that you would trust it and believe it? Do you actually think that whatever he says, you are going to believe him?
Heidi
Hi Celia,
I’m really not sure what you are wanting from him, so I’m going to share some important concepts for you to think about.
First, the success of a relationship is dependent on how BOTH people treat each other during stressful times. It sounds like he treated you well when things were good, but it also sounds like during the stressful times he was having, it was extremely challenging. It sounds like you are making a lot of excuses for his behaviors and reactions and saying “He was just stressed” as if it’s okay that he was possessive and greedy.
What I want you to understand is that THIS IS HIM too. While he is great and wonderful, he also sounds EXTREMELY high maintenance when things are tough. I don’t know what he was doing or saying that made you feel like he was being possessive or greedy, but that’s something for you to really look at. You want to feel like you have a safe and trusting partner when the chips are down. When you are stressed, you want to feel like he can be there for you in healthy way. When he is stressed, you want to feel like he still treats you with respect. It doesn’t sound like that is what is happening here, so know that you are choosing a man that is not a healthy and trustworthy teammate to go through life with. And it sounds like you also have an intense stress response by saying things that are harmful to him as well. So BEFORE you try to get him back, I want to invite you to look at that part of yourself as well. If you want to do things better this time around, you need to look at YOUR side of things and how you contributed to the harmful exchanges between you both.
Thoughts?
Heidi
