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I just sent you an email.
Having a father like that is incredibly challenging. I completely understand the “comfortableness” of a pattern, even if it’s not a healthy pattern. Our system does that all the time.
My coach has always said “the #1 reason why people don’t get better, is they start to get what they want, but they are not set up to hav it.” I myself have seen this a million times in my life and others I have worked with as well. A person will start to feel happy, or lose weight, or save money, or start to fall in love – but the fears and stories created in their past get activated and come on STRONG and will sabotage whatever is going well….because those stories were imprinted into your system at a young age and have lived with you forever. Those stories are full of low self-esteem. I’m not enough. I don’t trust happiness. Whenever something good happens, something bad always follows. These thoughts are STRONGER than the truth. These stories are STRONGER than what you actually want and are trying to create in present day. So, like you are experiencing with this guy and like you have experienced within yourself…people stay in their comfort zone – even if it’s not a healthy comfort zone. It takes work to undo those stories and create new ones. It takes facing fears. It takes working with your low self-esteem. It takes daily practice of making different choices for yourself. It’s a path very few take, but a path that is FULL of freedom.
Heidi
Hi Celia,
Take it VERY slow. You have a lot of ideas that are great ideas, but just do one thing at a time. Send him the photos with a super simple message and then wait. See if he responds and see if a little connection can start back up again. DO NOT send him anything else. Remember, you guys rushed in really fast and you want to do it differently this time. Hold onto all the other things you got him and don’t send them until it feels more appropriate. If he doesn’t even respond to the first pictures you send, then he is sending you a message that he isn’t ready to connect with you. Maybe he never will be. Maybe he moved on. Who knows. So just try that one thing and DO NOT do any type of relationship talk. No bible verses, no messages about being better together and no “love” words. Keep it VERY simple and friendly to start and see what what his response is.
Heidi
Take your heart out of this for second. Look at his ACTIONS. Look at his CHOICES. Look at how he handled the speed bumps with you. Look at how he handled your feelings. If NOTHING has changed (which it hasn’t because he is the EXACT SAME PERSON), are you willing to be treated like this again? Forget about your feelings of love and connection with him. ONLY look at his actions and choices.
Heidi
Hi Celia,
I like the idea of the photos you have of him. That might be a really nice entry point for re-connecting with him. All you can do is give it a shot and see if he responds.
You can say something like, “Hey, I’ve had these pictures for a while and I just saw them again and thought you might like them. They made me smile. I hope they make you smile too!”
It’s simple, sweet, and leaves the door open for him to have a response without any kind of pressure. Does this feel like a good approach for you?
Heidi
Hi Ann,
The way you share information is very revealing of how independent and self sufficient you are. Again, while it’s a great strength of yours, it can also cause harm. Like you said, you have a difficult time asking for help or accepting generosity. This is because you have a certain “story” that sources what it means to YOU to ask for or accept help. What are the stories you have around these things? What does it mean about YOU if you ask for help? What does it mean about YOU if accept generosity?
I understand this feeling. For me, I defined it as a weakness. I defined vulnerability as weak. I defined asking for help as “I can’t take care of myself.” I had to work to change all of those stories, because none of it was true. The TRUTH about asking for help, whether or not you need it, is 3 fold. First, it’s providing and opportunity for someone else to feel good about getting to help you. Second, it creates a common ground for connection, even if the connection is momentary. Third, it allows YOU to be in a state of receiving – your feminine energy. If you live most of your life in your male, doer/fix it/problem solve/produce energy and you don’t access your feminine energy, you become grossly out of balance. This is true for anyone. They are 2 very different energy systems that NEED to be accessed in order to create synergy, flow, and balance. So…you asking for help, even if it’s from the guy bagging your groceries, you put yourself in a receiving state WHICH IS HEALTHY!!!! I can’t tell you how many times I ask for help or say yes to generous offer and amazing gifts, far beyond what I could imagine, show up for me. A piece of advice is exchanged, an idea shows up, a connection is made that connects me to others that I need. The possibilities of “magic” are endless when you say yes to all different kinds of exchanges with others.
I’ve learned to disregard many of the messages I grew up with, but it’s very likely that I’m still attracting someone who is emotionally unavailable (although the guy I was dating seemed to be more emotionally available than anyone prior). Instead of saying that you are “attracting” how about instead saying “I am CHOOSING” men who are emotionally unavailable. Yes, as you become higher functioning energy, emotionally, and spiritually – the kinds of people you will meet will match your frequency. However, it doesn’t mean that men who are emotionally unavailable don’t show up in your life. What it means is, WHEN they do show up, you can recognize it faster, you are more discerning, and the moment you identify that this man is not available to level you are looking for, you say goodbye and disconnect. It’s about YOU having standards as to how you are treated, YOU being more discerning, and YOU choosing yourself over connecting with an emotionally unavailable man. You KNEW that he disconnected, because he told you that. Yet, you still chose to take a journey with him. You KNEW how he functioned under stress, because he told you. Yet you continued anyway. It’s great that he gave you more than you have experienced prior, which is wonderful! It helps you know and believe what is possible. AND…you are also learning that it’s still not enough. You are also learning where you are negotiating away your standards and how you want to be treated, for connection. And of course! How you were raised, set up that pattern within you. During your most critical and formative years of development where you learn about your value, your parents taught you that you didn’t have value. You were the same as everyone else, which made you anonymous. There is part of the program still running strong enough in your system, that you keep saying yes to men who are not able to offer you that love that never felt in your primary years. So it’s your “younger self” that is choosing these type of men, not your current, adult self. Does this make sense?
I will email you the info. for my Coach.
Heidi
Yes, it hurts. Your birthday, the day that is meant to celebrate your life, was not a day that he cared to celebrate with you…even with a simple “happy birthday.”
he truly doesn’t care about me, and absolutely nothing I do is going to make a difference. Let me ask you something Cindi…if he came back to you today and apologized for his behavior and he wanted to try again and he promised he would never do this again, would you do it? Would you actually step back into a relationship with a guy who is capable of treating you this way? Do you actually think that if he came back into your life and treated you amazingly well, just like in the beginning, that you would trust it and believe it? Do you actually think that whatever he says, you are going to believe him?
Heidi
Hi Celia,
I’m really not sure what you are wanting from him, so I’m going to share some important concepts for you to think about.
First, the success of a relationship is dependent on how BOTH people treat each other during stressful times. It sounds like he treated you well when things were good, but it also sounds like during the stressful times he was having, it was extremely challenging. It sounds like you are making a lot of excuses for his behaviors and reactions and saying “He was just stressed” as if it’s okay that he was possessive and greedy.
What I want you to understand is that THIS IS HIM too. While he is great and wonderful, he also sounds EXTREMELY high maintenance when things are tough. I don’t know what he was doing or saying that made you feel like he was being possessive or greedy, but that’s something for you to really look at. You want to feel like you have a safe and trusting partner when the chips are down. When you are stressed, you want to feel like he can be there for you in healthy way. When he is stressed, you want to feel like he still treats you with respect. It doesn’t sound like that is what is happening here, so know that you are choosing a man that is not a healthy and trustworthy teammate to go through life with. And it sounds like you also have an intense stress response by saying things that are harmful to him as well. So BEFORE you try to get him back, I want to invite you to look at that part of yourself as well. If you want to do things better this time around, you need to look at YOUR side of things and how you contributed to the harmful exchanges between you both.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I’m still a little confused. You said you have had to start the no-contact period several times, so that’s telling me you were reaching out to him. So does that mean you were reaching out and making contact and he is NOT responding at all? Or is he responding to your efforts?
First, it’s important to understand that the speed at which you guys connected, happened for a reason. If that reason is not addressed, starting up with him again means that reason is still very much alive in BOTH of you and can run you guys off course again…maybe not in the same way, but it will influence your connection.
So let’s talk about your side of things. What was happening within YOU that you moved so fast? You said there was a loss of attraction, so was that just from him or did you feel that loss of attraction towards him as well?
Heidi
Hi Cindi,
Do you see why connecting with ANY part of his family is triggering for you? You were staying grounded and finding your power again, until your sister in law came into the picture. Now…you are back to where you started. You are activated, in more suffering, wanting to reach out to him again…This is why it’s best to NOT connect with anyone who is in his life…at least until you are healed. I’m sure she would understand if you told her that you just need time before reconnecting, because you have more healing to do. You have got to protect yourself, because you are going down a spiral right now, because you got close to him through her.
I’m still going to guide you towards NOT sending him any letters. I know you are in so much pain and it breaks my heart. The thing is, you are wanting to get back together with a guy will break your heart again and again and again.
From this letter, all I am seeing is this story that you believe if things had just gone slower, it would have worked out. I still feel like you were the best boyfriend I ever had. You made me feel safe, wanted, joyful, and excited about companionship in a way I’d never experienced. Yes, he made you feel this AND he made you feel like you didn’t matter. You keep holding on the good stuff you felt and completely discount how cold he is and how he didn’t fight for you. His sister in law said it’s a pattern. PAY ATTENTION!!!!! This is NOT about you, it’s NOT about the speed you guys went, it’s NOT about your reaction and neediness he picked up on…this is about HIM. So you are willing to step back into a relationship with a guy who is not willing to face his darkness and limitations. He blames you instead. He makes others wrong and him right, because he is fragile.
He is NOT the guy in your fantasy. In your fantasy, he is only good. In your fantasy, he made you feel amazing. THIS IS FANTASY! It’s NOT real. He is NOT available for you Cindi. He cannot sustain a relationship. He doesn’t work through anything with you. He instead points the finger at you, makes HIS feelings the only thing that matters and he goes about his way. How is that different than the other relationships you chose that failed? You are under this spell believing that this relationship was workable and healthy and sustainable, despite ALL the evidence showing you that it is not…the MAIN evidence being that he has completely disconnected and is NOT interested in fighting for you. He doesn’t have that in him. He doesn’t have an interest in knowing about what your thoughts are and how you feel. This letter will go in the trash. You will get no response from him and you will feel rejected all over again. You are like an addict trying to find a way to get a fix so you can be out of pain. Your drug is love and connection. You are in withdrawal and are willing to do anything to get another fix again.
Let this letter go Cindi. Let go of the hope. Close the door on this fantasy you have created about him. Yes, he was the best experience you have had AND it still was not enough. He is NOT enough. He is NOT who you want him to be.
Keep working on this Cindi. HE IS NOT YOUR SOURCE anymore. He is NOT available for you. He is NOT wanting to connect anymore. This letter, or any letter for that matter, just re-enforces his walls. Both letters are not honoring HIS choice. Both letters are you being “needy” and desperate. Both letters you are putting your heart in the hands of a guy who doesn’t want it nor knows how to take care of it. Take your heart back Cindi. Love it yourself. Source yourself. Learn how to love yourself more than the drug you are seeking. You can do this!!!!
Heidi
Hi Ann,
Thanks for sharing. I LOVE what you helped moderate a forum to help those dealing with emotionally abusive relationships. That is sadly a common behavior that gets discounted more often than not.
You obviously can spot emotionally abusive signs in a person, but I want to invite you to think FAR beyond that. You want to look for how a person functions through stress and whether or not that’s workable, as THOSE signs are also toxic to connection. For example, your guy is not emotionally or verbally abusive, but his coping mechanism to run away sabotages connection, right? When you are dating, you want to look at their coping mechanisms. It’s the same category that emotional/verbal abuse lives within, but it’s widening the signs that you are looking for. Is the guy emotionally available? Is he able to face his fears in healthy way? Is he able to maintain connection with you when he is under a lot of stress? These are just some examples of qualities to look for to see if a relationship is even sustainable with them.
There are ways to get a window into these qualities without having an argument. For example, from the very beginning of dating a guy, I will ask questions that can expose their darker side. What are you like when you are angry and upset? What was your reputation in high school? Tell me about the worst heartbreak you’ve ever been through…what did you do? What’s the worst hurt you have ever caused someone? These types of questions not only give me a tiny bit of insight into who their darker side is, I also watch them while they are answering my question. What is their tone of voice, what kinds of emotions come up for them, what is their reaction to my question, how much do they share with me??? I will even test a guy. For example, this one guy I had been dating for 3 months was really getting under my skin…in a good way. So we had a VERY difficult date night…on purpose – I wanted to see what he would respond like. He showed up at my door and I was not ready and made him wait 30 minutes. We start to drive to the restaurant and I made him go back to my place because I had left my curling iron on and I wanted to unplug it. We get to the restaurant MUCH later than planned and we sit and start to look at the menu and I accidentally spill water on him. I told him I was going to pay beforehand and then I forgot my credit card, so he had to cover the check. We were supposed to go to an event after dinner, but it just was too late, so he brought me home and he was going to stay the night. We started to get intimate and then I quickly flipped the switch and said I need to get up really early he should probably go home. As you can imagine, one thing after another didn’t go well – even though I did all of this on purpose. I wanted to stress him. I learned a lot that night about him. I learned that his coping mechanism is to disconnect. As the night went on, he became less connective, his energy became more intense, he was less talkative with me – yet at the end of the night he still wanted to have sex – which made me feel more like an object to help him feel better. If he got upset to that level about all these little, insignificant things that don’t matter, then I knew that when something worth getting upset for, what he would be like.
Basically, I’m saying that just because a man is not verbally/emotionally abusive, it doesn’t mean he is available for a healthy, sustainable connection. You need to widen your view of what you look for.
Also, another very simple way to know the challenges you will face with someone and their possible red flags, is look at their best qualities. Our strengths are ALWAYS our weaknesses. Our greatest gifts are also our greatest weaknesses. For example, a person might have a heart of gold. They are always in service to other and offer an incredible amount of love and care in the world. The shadow side to that is someone like that always has challenges with boundaries. They will care for others, more than they care for themselves and they will over commit their times and energy. They also do not have a healthy response to boundaries. They will take it personally and not understand when YOU set a boundary and not care for them. This type of person easily builds resentment and will hold it in for days and weeks and even years and then one day they will burst.
Me, as an example, I am a teacher. I am gifted at taking VERY complicated concepts and passing them along in a simple way to others. I am gifted at helping others understand their situation, themselves, and how to find healing for themselves. The shadow side to that is I absolutely have a tendency to want to fix EVERYTHING. I am always growing and learning, but that easily turns into an addictive type of energy that pulls me out of balance. I over fix. I over function with problem solving. I over help people instead of letting them figure it out for themselves.
So even looking at a person’s best qualities, you can just look at the shadow side of those qualities and identify some red flags.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Yes, I know it’s surprising. That’s why taking things VERY slow is important. Until you see someone in ALL shades of their life, you truly don’t know them. As the CEO of your heart, doing very THOROUGH interviews through conversations and experiences and observing their behaviors OVER TIME, is what needs to happen BEFORE opening the flood gates of your heart.
I’m curious…had you guys ever had an argument? Did you notice any red flags about him BEFORE he pulled away? What negative qualities did you notice about him prior to him stepping away?
Heidi
Hey there!
I’m a little confused. You’ve been separated for 9 months, but you have completed almost 30 days of no contact. So during those 9 months, you guys were still talking quite a bit?
Are you doing no contact for 30 days per YOUR choice, or was that a mutual choice?
I’m assuming you want to give this another try. How do you imagine doing things differently if he agrees to try again?
Heidi
Hi Cindi! Thank you for sharing all of this! There are a lot of thoughts and feelings in it and it’s absolutely beautiful!!! Well done!
Oh goodness…his sister in law? Man…you really got tied up in his life. I bet it was validating for you to have her support. Was it helpful for you?
I’m still hurt. I still miss him, and I still wish there was a way to re-open communication. I’d love to know what he’s thinking, even if we were only friends and nothing else Of course you still wish for this. Of course you still miss him. That’s normal. I know you so badly want to just have a conversation and connect heart to heart again and understand HIS side of the story. Let that idea go Cindi. It’s NOT reality and nor would he open up to you again. Remember, he is cold and unavailable now. This idea you have about talking to him again is to the guy he USED to be to you, NOT who he is today.
I know you wish you knew what he was thinking….let’s play with this a bit. What do you think you would learn or understand if you knew what he was thinking? How do you imagine it would help you? From my perspective, there is NO WAY I would want you to know what he was thinking, because his thinking is distorted and coming from a lot of fear…so whatever it is he is thinking, it would only be damaging to you…because all you would feel is misunderstood. And it’s AWFUL to have someone create a story about you, that isn’t actually true AND you are powerless to change it. The truth is, you want to talk to him so YOU can explain why how he feels is not accurate. You want to explain your behaviors and choices, like in this letter you wrote, in order to hopefully change HIS story about everything. Basically, you are wanting HIM to understand you and maybe in that understanding, he would come back to you. This is another story looping around in your mind that isn’t true. You need to validate your feelings for yourself. Looking to him is NEVER going to work.
While this letter is beautiful and full of so many thoughts and feelings, it is NOT something to send him. DO NOT send him any letters. Not right now. You are still in a state of “desperation” and it’s all over this letter and that is what he will feel more than anything….he will feel you doing the same exact pattern that caused him to pull away. Remember how he said you always looked to him for your life? Well…that’s what this letter is. You are looking to him AGAIN to understand you, because you are not doing that for yourself. You are still processing and hurting so any letter you write to him right now is not appropriate and 100% will re-enforce his feelings of wanting to keep the walls up.
So….what I suggest you do with this letter instead, is burn it. Light a candle as candles are really good energy for setting intentions, read the letter out loud, and then make a proclamation. Proclaim that as you burn this letter, you are also releasing all the feelings held within it. You are releasing all the hurt, anger, confusion, upset, and sadness with the burning of this letter. You are choosing forgiveness of yourself and him as you got messy through all of this. Why not have your kids write a letter to him as well and you can all do this together? Put the letters in a metal trash can and light a match and watch them burn to ashes.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I know how confusing it is when HE is the one who lead you down that path and then he all of a sudden changed his mind. Many times what happens is, a person actually does want those things and they verbalize it and begin to make it happen, but once it moves from and idea into ACTION, that’s when their walls get triggered and fear takes over. It’s this idea that you never know how you will FEEL about something until you are actually IN IT. As long as ANYTHING stays as an idea, WITHOUT action, there is no reality to how you will feel, UNTIL there is action behind that idea. I have seen this EXACT situation you are going through sooooo many times. The person LOVES the idea, but once there is action behind those ideas, the fear gets activated and they shut down – and they HAVE to work through it if they want to heal and increase their upper limit.
I’m so sorry this has happened. This is why I ALWAYS tell people, DO NOT give credibility to words. Give credibility to the ACTIONS. When words and action line up, THEN you know someone is in their integrity and that someone is aligned with their words. If words and actions are different, then that’s a problem. Whatever it is that is causing it, doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you KNOW you cannot trust what they say UNTIL you start to see actions to support their words. With your guy, his words and actions don’t match. Know that if you choose to step back into connection with him if he decides he wants to try again, you cannot trust what he says he wants until he puts action behind those words. So be discerning.
Heidi
