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. I guess I’ve always been afraid that if he finds someone else, what if she becomes the one? Of course you’d be crushed! AND you would be okay. That is so important to know and understand. Have faith in your ability to heal and move on. I’ve watched many guys that I’ve dated, fall in love with the next girl and get married enough times, that it’s become kind of a joke….kind of like that movie “Good Luck Chuck.” And sometimes it hurt to watch myself be replaced and watch another girl inspire something from him that I couldn’t. AND…I also have trust that each person ends up with exactly who they are supposed to end up with…whether or not things last long term or not. So I find peace in the whole thing. Love is expansive and limitless. Imagine your love is like a tree. You have a branch that is full of leaves and producing fruit because it’s alive and being nourished. When there is a breakup and the nourishment leaves that branch, it dies. But another branch will start to grown. It has a different shape, different fruit, different leaves, but it’s still love. We all have this capability, so you may not be his final love and he may not be your final love…who knows. What I will tell you is when you try to force love, in any capacity, you can really have a negative impact on how that branch grows and how long it lasts. When we try and force anything, that is really us letting our fears take the driver’s seat and control everything. If you didn’t have fear that you were going to be replaced, you would be so much more peaceful about what he is going through, right? So your job is to face your fear instead of trying to make him be what you want so you don’t have to feel that fear. Fear never goes away that way. The only way for fear to go away is to face it and be in relationship with it. Just as you want him to face his fears about separating from his mom, you need to face your own fears too. Never ask something of someone you are not willing to do yourself. Make sense?
If he keeps asking what’s wrong, he is sensing something in you. A good thing to do is to ask him in return, what are you noticing about me that makes you think something is wrong?
Heidi
All this lack of clarity, blindness to what has happened, getting to burnout without seeing it coming. I actually somehow did but did not act. This does not make you a lousy person…it makes you human. We ALL do this! I am a master at reading people, situations and 99% of the time, I know exactly what is coming. I STILL will walk into situations KNOWING exactly what I am doing and why and KNOWING I am stepping into a big pile of shit. Sheesh! It’s so frustrating sometimes, so I get how you feel. AND…if you understand what drives that behavior, you can tap more into compassion instead of judgment towards yourself. I had a very challenging upbringing, which is why I step into a pile of shit sometimes even though I see it. If I slow down and really connect to the part of myself that chose that, I see the hurt, the fear and how that part of me is ultimately trying to protect me and help me. This is how you want to work with yourself and connect with yourself…this is true self-love…being able to love yourself even in your messiness.
I just want to reflect something back to you about R. Not once have you mentioned how wonderful he is, how much you deeply care about him or how his messiness is loveable and workable. I mostly hear how challenging he is for you and how he needs help. Maybe I just need to stay away of it all? How about working with this question instead: what is happening in YOU that would keep you connected to a guy that is obviously not able to offer you what you want?
Heidi
Hi San,
You are quite strong to hear and take in what I have said. That says a lot about you!
This really “knife” through my heart This reaction just tells me you are pretty invested in him. There is nothing wrong with that as long as he is on the same, but he isn’t. in ur opinion I should stop immediately right? This is YOUR choice. The question I always like to ask is this: Is loving/connecting with this guy, a loving thing for yourself? Meaning, would you say that it is a kind, caring, loving thing for you to connect with and get your heart wrapped up in a guy who doesn’t want a relationship and just wants to use you for sex?
Heidi
Thank you for celebrating with me about being tube free! It really is amazing. I got so used to something being there that I didn’t realize how much energy it was consuming. Now that they are gone, I am seeing some of my automatic thoughts and patterns that were connected to the tubes. Now it’s time to get my body back! It sucks to start at the beginning. I have never been this deconditioned in my life. Thankfully I am a strength coach and know what to do though.
Hypnosis is not mind control. I know that’s the TV version, but a true hypnotist in a therapy environment DOES NOT control your mind. They act as a guide in your subconscious and help you connect to all kinds of things in your subconscious. It can be a very effective healing technique with the right person. In that video, her methods of retraining the subconscious is a part of a hypnosis session. It’s a common technique used across many forms of manifestation techniques.
So what I’m hearing is when I get depressed or tighten up I need to try to figure out what in my past is making me feel that way. Basically yes…if you want to understand that behavior. There are plenty of thoughts and behaviors I ignore because I’m just not interested in exploring. But certain emotions, reactions and stories that I have that are super impactful on my experience, I go down the rabbit hole. There is always a core point where something imprints into the psyche and then gets buried into the subconscious, but will always resurface and be expressed through some type of behavior, thought or reaction. For example, you recognized an automatic reaction to tighten up in that one moment. That reaction came from the subconscious. If you really wanted to understand why you tightened up, then it would mean trying to go down the rabbit hole and connect the dots to some of the core moments in your life that caused you to tighten up. There are many moments in your childhood of course, but there typically are certain moments that are more impactful on your system than others. If you don’t go down the rabbit hole, then you’ll just keep automatically tightening up in all sorts of ways. So it’s really up to you what you feel like working with and what you feel like ignoring. Release it? Not the foggiest clue. That is where healing comes in. Let’s say you tightened up in the moment because you are holding onto a reaction you had when your mom yelled at you about not wanting to set the table. What’s happening is in you have stuck energy in that moment….kind of like a piece of you is stuck in that moment replaying it over and over and over again (in your subconscious). So going back to the moment and working with that stuck energy, forgiving and releasing the hurt and fear in that moment, will free that energy so it can come back to you and integrate and be in the present moment. This is where it’s extremely helpful and many times necessary to have a skilled person help you and guide you. I’ve done this type of work for decades and I still need help sometimes. There are a TON of ways to go about it, but that’s the basic idea.
I’m glad you went out with the guys!! That’s a great thing! Did you learn anything about men? Bummer that Barry has a girlfriend.
I’m sorry about feeling forced to get the vaccine. I’d like to encourage you to somehow find a way to be at peace about it or don’t do it. There are no laws yet, so at this point, you don’t have to do anything. You could just wait and see what happens. But if that is not comfortable for you, work on your mindset about it. Is that something you would be willing to do? The energy and mindset in which you receive the vaccine will affect your body. You can also do a cleanse to help your body release the toxins. Just a thought.
Heidi
Yes, having tubes come out of my body was not fun and came with a lot of challenges, but as of this morning, I am officially tube free! I’m beyond excited!!! Thanks for asking!
Wow! Dan quit!!! I bet everyone is sooooo much happier for it. I know you will be 🙂
So…. I don’t have the foggiest clue of how to access things in my subconscious and get rid of them. You pay attention to your actions, behaviors, words etc. There are all kinds of symptoms of what lives there. Some are quite blatant and some are super, super subtle. If someone is an abuser or addict, they are living with an incredible amount of pain most of which they are not consciously connected to. Some of it they will be aware of. Dan and his drama queen behavior is a symptom of his subconscious and his insecurities. You have had many different reactions to men that come from a subconscious place. Anytime your actions and words are not lining up, those are symptoms of what lives in the subconscious. Does this make sense? There is soooo much to learn about it.
I haven’t watched the full video that you sent, but I love that you are exploring this! Hypnosis is some good stuff!!!
Heidi
No need to dig up dead bones, though, and I’d much rather look forward than backward. Really?? You actually don’t realize how much your past is dictating your present. For example, remember when you instantly tightened up with that guy at work when he was showing you some hikes? That was a subconscious belief system FROM YOUR PAST that causing you to react that way. When you chose who to marry, it was your woundedness FROM YOUR PAST that caused you to pick 2 dysfunctional marriages. You have talked quite a bit about how your parents raised you and how it’s affected you. Your past is always affecting your present, whether you like it or not. It’s not something we can choose to ignore or discount. It is always affecting us. Trauma, bad parenting, difficult experiences all get stored in our cells, nervous system, our brains etc. So you can try to ignore all your want, but your body and subconscious will always remember and constantly influence your choices, your feelings, your thoughts etc.
The idea is to look at the present and see where you are being triggered. That is the entry point. So when you get depressed, that is your past still having very active energy influencing your mood. The idea is to find out exactly what in your past you are still holding onto, release it, forgive and THEN you can truly move into the present WITHOUT the past. How do you think our low self-esteem exists? How do you think we have challenges and hurt in a relationship? Those things only exist because our past is still very much alive and influencing how we feel about ourselves, about love, about our partners, about our bodies, about our children, about work etc. Visiting the past and those hard emotions, helps us heal and then truly be able to move on. Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Oh wow!!! Good job!!! So you said that the distance is just too much??? That’s a really good excuse and he can’t argue about that one. How did he take it? Did you guys talk about it further or was it just a short conversation?
Heidi
Hi San,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story with us here.
I understand that you want something deeper with him. I just have a few questions.
You want to have a committed relationship with this guy? Other than having sex, do you guys do anything else together? How are the conversations? Do you know if he is having sex with anyone else?
First, it’s important for you to understand that when men get to have sex frequently and often without needing to put much effort in, it’s pretty difficult to pull them into a relationship where more is required of them. With this guy having 2 divorces and being VERY clear upfront that he doesn’t want anything serious, I want to encourage you to listen to him. From what it sounds like, he is not that invested. He gets to have frequent sex and occasionally cook you dinner, but my guess is that is about as far as he is willing to go. It’s not about you pulling him deeper into wanting to be with you, it’s about him dealing with his past. If he doesn’t want to face his fears about falling in love again, there is nothing you can do about that. He will most likely just keep finding women he can have sex with, without all the relationship requirements. What guy would want to give that up?
I’m curious…knowing he wanting something casual and that he wasn’t interested in a relationship, what made you connect with him? You want something very different than him, so hooking up with him goes against what you were wanting. Did you think you might change his mind? Did you think that maybe you could stay casual and being in a serious relationship could be for a later time?
Heidi
Hi Alice,
What in particular do you think makes you a lousy human being? All I see and hear from you are very normal and human thoughts and feelings that come along with being in a relationship…especially one that doesn’t function very well. A lot of what you felt is IMPORTANT. Your reactions are appropriate and are there to catch your attention. The discomfort you felt is meant to create movement. All of our feelings are NOT facts. All feelings are for, is to get our attention. Feelings are the expressions of the stories we choose to attach to situations. We can’t control the feelings, but we CAN control the dialogue/story we create around those feelings. Does this make sense?
So now I think to myself: could there be a way to transform this relationship with R? Do you really want to work that hard? This statement is basically saying that he is not enough, just as he is and things need to change. First, this is not accepting him for exactly who he is and it is not honoring your needs. You want to take something broken and piece it back together. Do you know what would be required for that? A TON of work! Most of all, he would have a lot of personal work to do for himself before he is any good for you. Again, you would be spending all of your energy trying to change him and the relationship to fit your mold and that’s just a recipe for disaster. He deserves to be loved for EXACTLY who he is, not who he could be. You deserve to have a man who is already high functioning and able to meet you on your level. I’m wondering why you keep trying to make R fit. Is it because you want to be with someone? Because you deeply love him and don’t want to let him go? Because you are rebounding from A? Because he is giving you attention? What are your deep, true reasons for wanting to try and make it work with R?
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more! Let’s talk about a few different things here.
I have struggled with giving him confidence when I don’t necessarily agree with what he is doing. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you said this because it is something every person in a relationship faces many, many times. It can be a breaking point for a couple or it can be a strengthening point…depending on how it’s handled….so this is great practice for you!!! Here is a bigger truth that is important for you to connect to…your viewpoint is just that…YOUR viewpoint. We each have our own stories that we attach to about everything that happens. Those stories sometimes align with our partner and sometimes they oppose our partner. One of the best ways to get closer to aligning with his stories is to get curious. So instead of thinking that you are right or have the better story than him, how about you go deeper into HIS story and try to understand where it’s coming from. What do you understand about his choices? Have you ever really sat down and just talked about his perspective, his feelings, his fears, his visions about his life and you? Imagine you are a reporter. Do you think you have enough information about him to be able to write a detailed article about him and his beliefs, fears, etc.? What’s his belief about love? What is his vision as far as the kind of relationship he wants to experience? What is he afraid will happen if he separates from his mom? These are the kinds of starter questions you want to ask and then ask deeper and deeper questions until you fully and completely understand what his story is. You don’t need to agree, but you do need to understand. Then from there, you have to trust his process. That’s what support is. It’s trusting he will figure this out one way or another. It most likely won’t be fast enough or aligned enough with what you want, but that’s the dance of relationship.
meantime I don’t know how to pull him back in to see that I am got enough to be a long term partner. This is you NOT trusting his process and trying to push YOUR agenda onto him. You actually don’t want to pull him back into anything. He NEEDS to go through this. It’s part of him becoming a man and establishing himself…kind of like a right of passage. He HAS to separate from his mom, all on his own. He HAS to fight for himself and for what he really wants to create. From everything you are saying, he is behaving very much like how a high schooler would behave. In high school, we are developing our identity so we care a lot more about what people think about us. Again, he still has a lot of growing up to do, so you would be doing him AND YOU a disservice by trying to pull him back into a relationship with you just so you can have him back. Love him enough to let him go through this in his own time. The more you try to push against what is happening for him, the worse you will make it for the both of you. Even if you talked him back into a relationship with you or moving in with you, you would only be stunting his growth, of which the problem will just arise again later on. If you don’t trust his process, then you shouldn’t be with him anyways. That’s a HUGE part of a successful relationship – feeling safe with your partner and trusting they are going to get through the challenges that show up. If you don’t feel that with him, then it won’t work and all you’ll end up doing is being his mom, telling him what he should and shouldn’t be doing. So don’t be his mom and push your agenda onto him. Does this make sense?
So what you want to do is understand his story and then respect and honor what needs to happen for him in this phase of his life. That might mean walking away and not watching him date other girls. If that’s how he wants to go through this, then that is information you need to know about him, right? It might mean that you just show up as a really good friend. Be there for him to talk to. Share articles, podcasts, books etc. and also keep educating yourself. Have fun together. The more you guys bond through deep conversations and your support of his process right now, combined with fun…that’s a pretty good recipe for success. But again, you still have to keep yourself in check and make sure you are setting clear boundaries for yourself and that you are not just living for him. You still need to exist in this relationship.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Samantha,
Wow! You have a pretty tough situation on your hands. He is 25ish, now and how old are you? I”m so sorry for what you have to deal with.
I just have a few questions. Do you know why his mom is so against him being with you? Is it you in particular or is it any girl? I’m not sure if her agenda is about keeping him single for a while or keeping him away from you.
There is some valid truth to staying single in the 20s. It’s such a crucial time of development and when people get hooked up with each other, they end up developing through and with their partner vs. really discovering who they are. The younger someone gets married, the higher the odds of wanting to go “re-live” their younger years is. There are studies on this. Whenever a person skips their developmental years, there is a very strong and instinctive need to go back to that time and re-experience it. So the first thing I want to encourage you to do, is to be open to receiving the truth that there are some very strong and valid reasons why staying single is VERY healthy in the 20s. You THINK you know what you want right now, but I will tell you that A LOT changes when you get closer to your 30s and enter into that decade. So again, do not so easily dismiss what his friends and mom are wanting for him. Validate it, understand it and know that it is something to really consider.
With that being said, it’s also really important for you to understand he hasn’t quite grown up yet. He is still VERY connected to mom and still really influenced by his friends. He still has some growing up to do. He needs to disconnect from everyone. Meaning, stand up for himself and what he wants, regardless of what others are pushing him into. He will be no good to you until he is able to do that for himself. What I suggest is to not fight him on what he is needing. He is deeply confused, as he should be. He loves you so much AND he is trying to separate from mom and friends and create his own identity. This is a VERY VERY hard thing to do. So let’s talk about what kinds of things can you do to support him, without losing yourself in the process. Share some ideas with us and let’s figure this out together. There are a lot of layers we need to work through, so be patient.
Heidi
Hahaha! I lOVE that you said that. Of course you don’t like what I said and I sure don’t blame you.
I’m curious…what would you have wanted me to say that would have made you feel good?
Heidi
I think I‘m also scared that the same will happen to me. This is what most people are afraid of. For you, your parents were role models for what love looked like and felt like. And then it fell apart and didn’t last. Do you know why your parents didn’t last and what caused the divorce? The truth is, there is no guarantee. That’s why love is so darn scary and why so many people are afraid of it. To open your heart is risky and is opening your life to beautiful and amazing things along with the opposite of being able to be hurt in a very deep and heartbreaking way. The way I view love is there is no such thing as “the one.” It’s possible to fall in and out of love many times in our lives, so there is “the one” for right now. That’s all that really exists in life anyways, right – the present moment? So yes, it’s possible to fall in love, get married and then years later get a divorce. There are qualities however, that can put the odds in your favor. I’ve coached many of my clients through discovering what their non-negotiables are and then dating from that mindset. The majority of the reasons why people get divorced are being poor relationship pickers. They don’t know how to truly choose a good long-term partner. Most people choose their lifemate based on feelings and deep connection they feel and many times their own woundedness and insecurities (although they don’t do it consciously). Choosing a life partner needs to be as intense and detailed and layered as going to an interview at a top 100 company. Tim needs to be interviewing for your heart. EVERYTHING he does and says needs to be taken into consideration. There are certain qualities you want to be looking for to see if he even has the foundation to support the kind of relationship you want to experience.
So let’s start here: What kind of relationship do you want? What do you want love to look like when you are married?
Last, but not least, the truth is that even if you end up divorced, you will be okay! You will recover, heal and get back up on your feet again and fall in love again. Trust in yourself that you can handle anything that shows up in your life.
Heidi
OMG! What a great story! Thank you for sharing!!!
Process emotions? I really don’t feel anger very often. Really don’t remember being angry with my boys. The ex isn’t worth thinking about. Parents? After all they went through while growing up, I can’t be angry with them. Sometimes I think I’ve lost the ability to feel anything…..Ha Ha except depression when I’m tired. Depression is anger turned inward. So although you don’t feel anger outwardly, you are more angry than you think. You just gave me a list of excuses as to why you don’t feel angry. They are all valid AND there is another side of you that was harmed by all those people, very deeply. It’s that part of you that carries the anger and hurt. There is a BIG HUGE world of emotions/programs/beliefs hanging out in your subconscious that I hope at some point you really start to access. I have no doubt that once you tap into all of that and transform the heavy emotions you carry, the depression will go away and you will feel like a completely different person.
I’m excited you get to go home too! I know how happy you are when you get to be there.
I am feeling better! Today is my first dr. appt. post surgery, so hopefully I will get to say goodbye to this catheter and I’ll start to be able to have more movement and energy. I had a tube coming out of my back that drained my kidney for 5 months that got removed right after this 2nd surgery, so I’m really looking forward to being tube free! Lol. You’re excited to go home and I’m excited to be tube free! It’s the simple things, right?
Heidi
Luckily my parents are still on good terms and we‘re still together as a family sometimes, but it‘s still not easy for me. WHat exactly is difficult for you?
I have shifted quickly when letting guys go. Sometimes, it just takes one thing that you hear or learn about that person and it’s enough to tip the scales in the other direction. Tim wasn’t 100% invested anyways. Most likely, he had a percentage of hope about her, but then learning something new about her, just caused him to finally be able to accept the truth and disconnect from his fantasy completely. We shall see though. Time will tell. I think it will be normal between you guys. I think you guys will just continue to grow closer together. He obviously has an incredible amount of respect for you. I have no doubt he will continue to connect and you guys will find an even deeper rhythm together.
