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Hi Alice,
I want to celebrate you! You connected to something very powerful and had the courage and strength to receive it. Well done!
So let’s talk about this more: I need to make you happy So now that you know you get your value and build your self-esteem through making “him” happy, let’s connect to that part of you and let her know it’s okay to release that belief and let’s build a new one that is healthy for you.
What would happen if you failed? What would happen if couldn’t make “him” happy? What kinds of thoughts and feelings come up for you?
Also, here are some wonderfully powerful books about working with our shadow side. They are all quite different approaches, so see what resonates most with you right now.
https://existentialkink.com/
https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-book/
Heidi
It’s not uncommon for parents to get divorced when the kids are older. You are spot on when you say that you and your sis were their shared interest. LEARN FROM THIS! I always recommend to parents to MAKE SURE they are nurturing their relationship separate from the kids. Make sure date night still happens, make sure sex is still part of the relationship, make sure you guys are still having fun separate from the kids. Otherwise, it’s easy to lose each other in the children and then all of a sudden, they are older and you have no interest in your partner anymore. It’s sad really because it doesn’t have to be like that.
Okay…I love everything you want. How about narrowing it down to what you cannot live without? I call these the non-negotiables. They change as you get older and grow and learn, but it’s important to be in relationship with those, because that is the one list you will choose your life long partner from. Non-negotiables are those qualities in him and in the relationship you cannot live without. For example, I KNOW I cannot live without romance. I will never survive in a relationship without romance. I KNOW I have to have animals in my life, especially dogs. It’s crucial for my balance. I will never survive in a relationship with a guy who is not an animal lover. Does this make sense? It’s quite the process to create this list. What happens many times is a woman will meet a man who meets let’s say 8 out of the 10 qualities on her non-negotiable list, so she will start to negotiate away her needs. That just leads to trouble. So every single part of your non-negotiable list needs to be met if you are going to give your heart away. Make sense?
Heidi
So how is it going??? How are you handling everything? I’m so glad that what I said was helpful. I’m curious how you received it. What exactly helped and how did it help?
Heidi
Hi Riley,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing all of these details. It gives us a really good picture about what is happening.
I’m just going to be straight up here. Let it go. He is on rebound. Yes, he may have had feelings for you, but the moment you were available for him, he got scared. Plus, you have no idea what went on between him and his ex and even if they are still communicating. He may be still holding out hope that they will get back together.
None of that matters though. What matters is first, I’m not sure you actually like this guy. I’m wondering if your attraction to him is there because he is not available. Second, he needs to be alone for a while. There is always a lot to process post break up. Third, if his ego is THAT bruised that it would prevent him from wanting to get to know you, then he is too fragile for you anyways.
So your best option at this point is to be friends with him. Get to know him and see if you actually like him. Let him get to know you as well. You both might discover over time that you really do want to move things forward or maybe not…who knows. For right now, he is offering you a friendship, so take him up on that and just go have some fun with him.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Chantelle!
First, I want to congratulate you! You did a really good job staying away and letting him initiate. You learned it took about 4 days for him to reach out. Are you willing to do this again?
I’m going to be very blunt here. He is not that invested in you right now. You are making this VERY easy for him. He doesn’t have to do a dam thing to work for your attention and most guys simply don’t respect that. At this point, he knows all he has to do for a hook-up is respond to your messages here and there and then give you a booty call and you will be right there waiting for him. He may respond to questions you have, but he doesn’t respond to your other memes and funny texts, he took 4 days before he reached out and I’m guessing, with all your flirty messages and compliments, he is not doing the same back to you. Correct?
Again, remember he needs to chase you. You need to keep being unavailable for a while. You need to let HIM take the lead. Not just once, but many times. He needs to feel like he has to work for your attention most of the time. Of course, there are times for you to initiate, but you have been the driver in this relationship so much, that it tipped the scales out of balance. So now it’s time to bring things back into balance. For now, wait for him to initiate. What happens if he doesn’t send me anything should I just move on or call him out. DO NOT call him out. You guys are NOT at that level yet. So if he doesn’t keep initiating then that’s a VERY clear sign he is moving on and was not that invested in you. But we are not at that point yet and hopefully, that can be avoided. Either way, you need to play hard to get for a little while. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Totally get how friends are sometimes hard to talk to about things like this. Most people don’t have a clue how to help and they just want you out of pain, so the easiest thing to say is “move on” when that is the hardest thing to do! That will just create a new level of pain.
I feel awful because maybe he did let everything bottle up and I just wasn’t aware of how he was feeling because I wasn’t clued into what he was trying to tell me. But to defend myself in a way, I’m also not a mind reader. Hiding secret meanings behind jokes isn’t talking to me. Sitting me down and having an adult conversation is the only way I can be receptive to his needs/ wants/ desires. You are spot on! You are NOT a mind reader. It is NOT your job to figure out what he wants. I love how much you guys were able to talk with each other when things were good. How about when challenges showed up? How was your communication during arguments? How did you guys walk through resolving things?
I understand your fears. Just a thought…wouldn’t you be more afraid to be connected to a man who would choose his “pride” over connecting with you? Yikes! If he would rather be stubborn, just for stubborn’s sake and lose you, then that just lets you know that his pride is more important than you. So which fear are you willing to face?
But isn’t that putting on an expectation. Tantric massage is meant to be free of all that. It doesn’t matter what the essence of tantric massage is. You are dealing with the essence of a man with whom you agreed to have casual sex. Being a man, he is most likely going to want to have sex. Massage of any kind is a strong gateway to sex, so if you just want to do the massage and another more, I would communicate that to him beforehand.
Why does a man “claiming you” have to be Christian ideology or even patriarchal bullshit? I mean it CAN be all of that if that is the story you want to attach to it. It is a story that a lot of people would attach to it, but it doesn’t make it true. A man claiming you can mean whatever you want. I personally just look at it as a beautiful expression of the divine masculine, which in my opinion is the the true essence of that action. When I think of being free. I don’t own anyone. I also feel very turned on. But it feels more true. Can’t both be true?
Heidi
Hi Caroline!
Wow! You have been through a lot with him! Thank you for sharing your story. Let’s break this down a bit and see what we can do.
First, you are right to wonder if his tears were actually about you. When someone cries that hard, they are crying from a very deep place. You may have been the trigger, but those tears were completely about something else, that had nothing to do with you. DId you ever flat out ask him where those intense tears were coming from?
There is a red flag here too. For him to go so long and bottle up all those feelings and then all of a sudden call you a bully out of nowhere….yikes! This is a guy who is NOT communicating and that’s on him. Is this his normal pattern? You’ve been together for a while now. Would you say that you guys are pretty good communicators?
Here is the thing…if you want him back, whatever happened is not gone. It just got buried again and will resurface at some point. It’s not like you guys really talked about it and dug in deep to really have an honest conversation. So that means that yours and his feelings have just gotten buried. Are you willing to open it back up again? It sounds like you have very little understanding about what happened and you feel very misunderstood and underappreciated. Those are things you need to talk about with him if you guys are going to move forward with a clean slate. Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
I think it’s a good idea to just go with the flow. The odds are, if you are giving him a tantric massage, HE is thinking sex is gonna be in the mix, since that’s what you guys have agreed to. So I would say to expect that he will want to have sex. Is that okay for you?
Heidi
. I guess I’ve always been afraid that if he finds someone else, what if she becomes the one? Of course you’d be crushed! AND you would be okay. That is so important to know and understand. Have faith in your ability to heal and move on. I’ve watched many guys that I’ve dated, fall in love with the next girl and get married enough times, that it’s become kind of a joke….kind of like that movie “Good Luck Chuck.” And sometimes it hurt to watch myself be replaced and watch another girl inspire something from him that I couldn’t. AND…I also have trust that each person ends up with exactly who they are supposed to end up with…whether or not things last long term or not. So I find peace in the whole thing. Love is expansive and limitless. Imagine your love is like a tree. You have a branch that is full of leaves and producing fruit because it’s alive and being nourished. When there is a breakup and the nourishment leaves that branch, it dies. But another branch will start to grown. It has a different shape, different fruit, different leaves, but it’s still love. We all have this capability, so you may not be his final love and he may not be your final love…who knows. What I will tell you is when you try to force love, in any capacity, you can really have a negative impact on how that branch grows and how long it lasts. When we try and force anything, that is really us letting our fears take the driver’s seat and control everything. If you didn’t have fear that you were going to be replaced, you would be so much more peaceful about what he is going through, right? So your job is to face your fear instead of trying to make him be what you want so you don’t have to feel that fear. Fear never goes away that way. The only way for fear to go away is to face it and be in relationship with it. Just as you want him to face his fears about separating from his mom, you need to face your own fears too. Never ask something of someone you are not willing to do yourself. Make sense?
If he keeps asking what’s wrong, he is sensing something in you. A good thing to do is to ask him in return, what are you noticing about me that makes you think something is wrong?
Heidi
All this lack of clarity, blindness to what has happened, getting to burnout without seeing it coming. I actually somehow did but did not act. This does not make you a lousy person…it makes you human. We ALL do this! I am a master at reading people, situations and 99% of the time, I know exactly what is coming. I STILL will walk into situations KNOWING exactly what I am doing and why and KNOWING I am stepping into a big pile of shit. Sheesh! It’s so frustrating sometimes, so I get how you feel. AND…if you understand what drives that behavior, you can tap more into compassion instead of judgment towards yourself. I had a very challenging upbringing, which is why I step into a pile of shit sometimes even though I see it. If I slow down and really connect to the part of myself that chose that, I see the hurt, the fear and how that part of me is ultimately trying to protect me and help me. This is how you want to work with yourself and connect with yourself…this is true self-love…being able to love yourself even in your messiness.
I just want to reflect something back to you about R. Not once have you mentioned how wonderful he is, how much you deeply care about him or how his messiness is loveable and workable. I mostly hear how challenging he is for you and how he needs help. Maybe I just need to stay away of it all? How about working with this question instead: what is happening in YOU that would keep you connected to a guy that is obviously not able to offer you what you want?
Heidi
Hi San,
You are quite strong to hear and take in what I have said. That says a lot about you!
This really “knife” through my heart This reaction just tells me you are pretty invested in him. There is nothing wrong with that as long as he is on the same, but he isn’t. in ur opinion I should stop immediately right? This is YOUR choice. The question I always like to ask is this: Is loving/connecting with this guy, a loving thing for yourself? Meaning, would you say that it is a kind, caring, loving thing for you to connect with and get your heart wrapped up in a guy who doesn’t want a relationship and just wants to use you for sex?
Heidi
Thank you for celebrating with me about being tube free! It really is amazing. I got so used to something being there that I didn’t realize how much energy it was consuming. Now that they are gone, I am seeing some of my automatic thoughts and patterns that were connected to the tubes. Now it’s time to get my body back! It sucks to start at the beginning. I have never been this deconditioned in my life. Thankfully I am a strength coach and know what to do though.
Hypnosis is not mind control. I know that’s the TV version, but a true hypnotist in a therapy environment DOES NOT control your mind. They act as a guide in your subconscious and help you connect to all kinds of things in your subconscious. It can be a very effective healing technique with the right person. In that video, her methods of retraining the subconscious is a part of a hypnosis session. It’s a common technique used across many forms of manifestation techniques.
So what I’m hearing is when I get depressed or tighten up I need to try to figure out what in my past is making me feel that way. Basically yes…if you want to understand that behavior. There are plenty of thoughts and behaviors I ignore because I’m just not interested in exploring. But certain emotions, reactions and stories that I have that are super impactful on my experience, I go down the rabbit hole. There is always a core point where something imprints into the psyche and then gets buried into the subconscious, but will always resurface and be expressed through some type of behavior, thought or reaction. For example, you recognized an automatic reaction to tighten up in that one moment. That reaction came from the subconscious. If you really wanted to understand why you tightened up, then it would mean trying to go down the rabbit hole and connect the dots to some of the core moments in your life that caused you to tighten up. There are many moments in your childhood of course, but there typically are certain moments that are more impactful on your system than others. If you don’t go down the rabbit hole, then you’ll just keep automatically tightening up in all sorts of ways. So it’s really up to you what you feel like working with and what you feel like ignoring. Release it? Not the foggiest clue. That is where healing comes in. Let’s say you tightened up in the moment because you are holding onto a reaction you had when your mom yelled at you about not wanting to set the table. What’s happening is in you have stuck energy in that moment….kind of like a piece of you is stuck in that moment replaying it over and over and over again (in your subconscious). So going back to the moment and working with that stuck energy, forgiving and releasing the hurt and fear in that moment, will free that energy so it can come back to you and integrate and be in the present moment. This is where it’s extremely helpful and many times necessary to have a skilled person help you and guide you. I’ve done this type of work for decades and I still need help sometimes. There are a TON of ways to go about it, but that’s the basic idea.
I’m glad you went out with the guys!! That’s a great thing! Did you learn anything about men? Bummer that Barry has a girlfriend.
I’m sorry about feeling forced to get the vaccine. I’d like to encourage you to somehow find a way to be at peace about it or don’t do it. There are no laws yet, so at this point, you don’t have to do anything. You could just wait and see what happens. But if that is not comfortable for you, work on your mindset about it. Is that something you would be willing to do? The energy and mindset in which you receive the vaccine will affect your body. You can also do a cleanse to help your body release the toxins. Just a thought.
Heidi
Yes, having tubes come out of my body was not fun and came with a lot of challenges, but as of this morning, I am officially tube free! I’m beyond excited!!! Thanks for asking!
Wow! Dan quit!!! I bet everyone is sooooo much happier for it. I know you will be 🙂
So…. I don’t have the foggiest clue of how to access things in my subconscious and get rid of them. You pay attention to your actions, behaviors, words etc. There are all kinds of symptoms of what lives there. Some are quite blatant and some are super, super subtle. If someone is an abuser or addict, they are living with an incredible amount of pain most of which they are not consciously connected to. Some of it they will be aware of. Dan and his drama queen behavior is a symptom of his subconscious and his insecurities. You have had many different reactions to men that come from a subconscious place. Anytime your actions and words are not lining up, those are symptoms of what lives in the subconscious. Does this make sense? There is soooo much to learn about it.
I haven’t watched the full video that you sent, but I love that you are exploring this! Hypnosis is some good stuff!!!
Heidi
No need to dig up dead bones, though, and I’d much rather look forward than backward. Really?? You actually don’t realize how much your past is dictating your present. For example, remember when you instantly tightened up with that guy at work when he was showing you some hikes? That was a subconscious belief system FROM YOUR PAST that causing you to react that way. When you chose who to marry, it was your woundedness FROM YOUR PAST that caused you to pick 2 dysfunctional marriages. You have talked quite a bit about how your parents raised you and how it’s affected you. Your past is always affecting your present, whether you like it or not. It’s not something we can choose to ignore or discount. It is always affecting us. Trauma, bad parenting, difficult experiences all get stored in our cells, nervous system, our brains etc. So you can try to ignore all your want, but your body and subconscious will always remember and constantly influence your choices, your feelings, your thoughts etc.
The idea is to look at the present and see where you are being triggered. That is the entry point. So when you get depressed, that is your past still having very active energy influencing your mood. The idea is to find out exactly what in your past you are still holding onto, release it, forgive and THEN you can truly move into the present WITHOUT the past. How do you think our low self-esteem exists? How do you think we have challenges and hurt in a relationship? Those things only exist because our past is still very much alive and influencing how we feel about ourselves, about love, about our partners, about our bodies, about our children, about work etc. Visiting the past and those hard emotions, helps us heal and then truly be able to move on. Thoughts on this?
Heidi
