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I believe the correct answer is that it is not my responsibility to make anybody happy, anymore Yes, this is the correct answer, but I was looking for an answer from the other part of you functioning as the rescuer. The answer you gave me is from your adult, conscious, educated self. That is not the self in charge and trying to make R fit into her life somehow. So how about you give me the answer from your little girl energy. What would happen if she failed to make R (or dad) happy?
Have you met people getting to this level of peace while in action? Let me see if I understand what you are asking. Are you wondering if it’s possible to always take care of yourself and your internal dynamics while dealing with the outer world and all that shows up at the same time? Is it possible to be peaceful in the middle of chaos? Is that what you are asking?
Heidi
Hi San,
Absolutely there is a guy out there that will value your heart and will want to have all of you, not just part of you. The thing is, you have to fight for that. This means creating standards for yourself and treating yourself the way you want to be treated by a guy. Your heart is sacred. Your body is sacred. Your time is sacred. If you truly thought of yourself that way, then you wouldn’t be negotiating away your needs so you can have a man’s attention. If you are sacred, that means a man must EARN the right to touch you, to kiss you, to have sex with you, to occupy your time and your heart. A man worthy of you will honor all of these aspects. In essence, we are the ones who teach those around us, what is acceptable in how we are treated. People will try and get away with all sorts of things and instead of you standing up for yourself, you went into HIS world and aligned with HIS needs, at the expense of yourself.
Since you are wanting a serious, deep connection with someone, then it’s time for you to set some expectations. If the guys do not align with what you are wanting, then they do not get to have you.
How do you feel about this?
Heidi
Hi Catherine!
Welcome! What an interesting situation you have going on. I’ll respond here in this thread, but would you mind answering my questions below in your own thread? It’s much easier for us coaches to make sure we get to everyone when each person has their own topic.
It’s really strange how he is responding. Have you ever thought about just asking him straight up? How is the conversation between you guys? Does he get flirty at all or does he talk just like a friend? What do you know about his relationship history? How do you feel about being his “friend?” Are you enjoying yourself? After talking for a month, is he someone you would want to date?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
I’m curious. What exactly are you looking to experience with having “a raw fuck?” You are going after these guys, but I’m curious what you are actually hoping the end result will be. So let’s say this 24 year old provides that for you, what need of yours is actually going to be met? How do you imagine you will feel differently than you do right now? What are you looking to fulfill within yourself by having the kind of sex you are looking for.
Again, I’m a little confused. You have mentioned many times how you want a deep connection and now you are offering to have sex with a delivery boy. What is changing for you? Maybe you aren’t changing. It’s hard sometimes through this platform to truly get a full sense of a person.
I’m not surprised that Ricky did not respond well to the video you sent him. I’m curious why you sent him that video when you haven’t even gone on a date with him. Were you wanting to push things along faster or something? That’s a pretty shocking video to send him considering you don’t have that kind of relationship. It doesn’t sound like it affected you that much though, so you must not have been very invested in him.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Why would a happy, positive, confident guy cuss like that so much? You’re assuming that the only reason people cuss is because they are unhappy. Can’t someone cuss to create a certain affect? Cussing is not just about anger, it can also add a little more drama or a certain affect to a story. Cussing as much as he does, might indicate he also grew up like that. Why not ask him?
That’s so cool that Shiraz asked if you were okay. You are not as anonymous as you think 😉
Gosh, that fruit sounds amazing!!! I love that you discovered that! It makes a HUGE difference!!! I”m getting ready next weekend (hopefully) to go apple picking. And no, I don’t work at that job anymore. That was when I was in Florida ( a long time ago).
I love that you are going to the dog park as soon as you get your new lens. I thought of you last weekend when I went to a GIANT dog park that has a few lakes and tons of land. I imagined you being there taking picks. You could make bank here in Colorado. There are more dogs than people in Boulder.
Heidi
That’s a bummer Marcel was such a conversation hog! Just let him know “Thank you for being so connective, but I just don’t feel how I want to in order to keep moving forward.”
And I believe I’m let it go – or tried to. I now need to replace that all with new beliefs, which I haven’t been so good at doing. What you have been through in your life Rhonda, is very intense. There are MULTIPLE layers you have to sift through and there’s only so much you can do on your own. That’s why I keep suggesting for you to connect with a specialist who knows how to take you deeper into yourself so you can release a lot of your patterns that are functioning at the core of your being. Having someone there to guide you and to hold you accountable is VERY important when you do deeper into yourself. I’ve been doing this kind of work on myself for over 20 years and know it like the back of my hand…I still need help sometimes. The bigger fears, programs and behaviors require some help from someone who knows exactly what they are doing while navigating the depths of the subconscious. As you said, you haven’t been very good at re-programming and it’s because there is a stronger part of you that is not interested in being healthy and happy and free of the limiting beliefs and patterns that create challenges in your life especially in relationships.
LOL! I’ve been in MANY of those conversations with men. I remember when I first became a Strength Coach and got hired to work at this elite sports academy. I moved into an office of only men. They were not too receptive to me for a while of course, but needless to say, I learned how gossipy guys can be. Holy smokes they were just as bad as women can be. I learned to insert myself though. I wasn’t going to be ignored and eventually I won out and became “one of the guys.” It was my favorite job that I’ve ever had. We became like a family. My point being is that the more you can hang out with men like that, the more you will learn. Try to work on not being judgemental and instead have your curious hat on. For example, instead of saying “I’m not impressed” get curious why a guy has to cuss every few sentences. What would be his purpose in that? I have spent my life around boys as the dominant energy in my life and because I was always asking questions and always curious, I became a master at understanding them. Remember, every single experience you get to have with a man is an opportunity to observe yourself and how you react, observe the men and how they react to you and then figure out ways to accomplish whatever energy you want to create. It’s all a playground, right?
I’m sooooo happy to hear you get to go home. I don’t blame you for feeling so frustrated about the vaccine. It’s a tough situation for sure and I just want to encourage you to keep choosing forgiveness for all the limitations and fears that show up because of all of this. Ultimately, that’s what is going to bring you peace in the midst of all of this chaos.
And yes, we have had a ton of smoke! It’s finally clearing up, thank goodness.
Heidi
Hi Alice,
I want to celebrate you! You connected to something very powerful and had the courage and strength to receive it. Well done!
So let’s talk about this more: I need to make you happy So now that you know you get your value and build your self-esteem through making “him” happy, let’s connect to that part of you and let her know it’s okay to release that belief and let’s build a new one that is healthy for you.
What would happen if you failed? What would happen if couldn’t make “him” happy? What kinds of thoughts and feelings come up for you?
Also, here are some wonderfully powerful books about working with our shadow side. They are all quite different approaches, so see what resonates most with you right now.
https://existentialkink.com/
https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-book/
Heidi
It’s not uncommon for parents to get divorced when the kids are older. You are spot on when you say that you and your sis were their shared interest. LEARN FROM THIS! I always recommend to parents to MAKE SURE they are nurturing their relationship separate from the kids. Make sure date night still happens, make sure sex is still part of the relationship, make sure you guys are still having fun separate from the kids. Otherwise, it’s easy to lose each other in the children and then all of a sudden, they are older and you have no interest in your partner anymore. It’s sad really because it doesn’t have to be like that.
Okay…I love everything you want. How about narrowing it down to what you cannot live without? I call these the non-negotiables. They change as you get older and grow and learn, but it’s important to be in relationship with those, because that is the one list you will choose your life long partner from. Non-negotiables are those qualities in him and in the relationship you cannot live without. For example, I KNOW I cannot live without romance. I will never survive in a relationship without romance. I KNOW I have to have animals in my life, especially dogs. It’s crucial for my balance. I will never survive in a relationship with a guy who is not an animal lover. Does this make sense? It’s quite the process to create this list. What happens many times is a woman will meet a man who meets let’s say 8 out of the 10 qualities on her non-negotiable list, so she will start to negotiate away her needs. That just leads to trouble. So every single part of your non-negotiable list needs to be met if you are going to give your heart away. Make sense?
Heidi
So how is it going??? How are you handling everything? I’m so glad that what I said was helpful. I’m curious how you received it. What exactly helped and how did it help?
Heidi
Hi Riley,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing all of these details. It gives us a really good picture about what is happening.
I’m just going to be straight up here. Let it go. He is on rebound. Yes, he may have had feelings for you, but the moment you were available for him, he got scared. Plus, you have no idea what went on between him and his ex and even if they are still communicating. He may be still holding out hope that they will get back together.
None of that matters though. What matters is first, I’m not sure you actually like this guy. I’m wondering if your attraction to him is there because he is not available. Second, he needs to be alone for a while. There is always a lot to process post break up. Third, if his ego is THAT bruised that it would prevent him from wanting to get to know you, then he is too fragile for you anyways.
So your best option at this point is to be friends with him. Get to know him and see if you actually like him. Let him get to know you as well. You both might discover over time that you really do want to move things forward or maybe not…who knows. For right now, he is offering you a friendship, so take him up on that and just go have some fun with him.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Chantelle!
First, I want to congratulate you! You did a really good job staying away and letting him initiate. You learned it took about 4 days for him to reach out. Are you willing to do this again?
I’m going to be very blunt here. He is not that invested in you right now. You are making this VERY easy for him. He doesn’t have to do a dam thing to work for your attention and most guys simply don’t respect that. At this point, he knows all he has to do for a hook-up is respond to your messages here and there and then give you a booty call and you will be right there waiting for him. He may respond to questions you have, but he doesn’t respond to your other memes and funny texts, he took 4 days before he reached out and I’m guessing, with all your flirty messages and compliments, he is not doing the same back to you. Correct?
Again, remember he needs to chase you. You need to keep being unavailable for a while. You need to let HIM take the lead. Not just once, but many times. He needs to feel like he has to work for your attention most of the time. Of course, there are times for you to initiate, but you have been the driver in this relationship so much, that it tipped the scales out of balance. So now it’s time to bring things back into balance. For now, wait for him to initiate. What happens if he doesn’t send me anything should I just move on or call him out. DO NOT call him out. You guys are NOT at that level yet. So if he doesn’t keep initiating then that’s a VERY clear sign he is moving on and was not that invested in you. But we are not at that point yet and hopefully, that can be avoided. Either way, you need to play hard to get for a little while. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Totally get how friends are sometimes hard to talk to about things like this. Most people don’t have a clue how to help and they just want you out of pain, so the easiest thing to say is “move on” when that is the hardest thing to do! That will just create a new level of pain.
I feel awful because maybe he did let everything bottle up and I just wasn’t aware of how he was feeling because I wasn’t clued into what he was trying to tell me. But to defend myself in a way, I’m also not a mind reader. Hiding secret meanings behind jokes isn’t talking to me. Sitting me down and having an adult conversation is the only way I can be receptive to his needs/ wants/ desires. You are spot on! You are NOT a mind reader. It is NOT your job to figure out what he wants. I love how much you guys were able to talk with each other when things were good. How about when challenges showed up? How was your communication during arguments? How did you guys walk through resolving things?
I understand your fears. Just a thought…wouldn’t you be more afraid to be connected to a man who would choose his “pride” over connecting with you? Yikes! If he would rather be stubborn, just for stubborn’s sake and lose you, then that just lets you know that his pride is more important than you. So which fear are you willing to face?
But isn’t that putting on an expectation. Tantric massage is meant to be free of all that. It doesn’t matter what the essence of tantric massage is. You are dealing with the essence of a man with whom you agreed to have casual sex. Being a man, he is most likely going to want to have sex. Massage of any kind is a strong gateway to sex, so if you just want to do the massage and another more, I would communicate that to him beforehand.
Why does a man “claiming you” have to be Christian ideology or even patriarchal bullshit? I mean it CAN be all of that if that is the story you want to attach to it. It is a story that a lot of people would attach to it, but it doesn’t make it true. A man claiming you can mean whatever you want. I personally just look at it as a beautiful expression of the divine masculine, which in my opinion is the the true essence of that action. When I think of being free. I don’t own anyone. I also feel very turned on. But it feels more true. Can’t both be true?
Heidi
Hi Caroline!
Wow! You have been through a lot with him! Thank you for sharing your story. Let’s break this down a bit and see what we can do.
First, you are right to wonder if his tears were actually about you. When someone cries that hard, they are crying from a very deep place. You may have been the trigger, but those tears were completely about something else, that had nothing to do with you. DId you ever flat out ask him where those intense tears were coming from?
There is a red flag here too. For him to go so long and bottle up all those feelings and then all of a sudden call you a bully out of nowhere….yikes! This is a guy who is NOT communicating and that’s on him. Is this his normal pattern? You’ve been together for a while now. Would you say that you guys are pretty good communicators?
Here is the thing…if you want him back, whatever happened is not gone. It just got buried again and will resurface at some point. It’s not like you guys really talked about it and dug in deep to really have an honest conversation. So that means that yours and his feelings have just gotten buried. Are you willing to open it back up again? It sounds like you have very little understanding about what happened and you feel very misunderstood and underappreciated. Those are things you need to talk about with him if you guys are going to move forward with a clean slate. Thoughts?
Heidi
