Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi! Great to hear from you again.
So what happened? Did you break it off completely? If you did, what happened? What was his response? If you didn’t, what is stopping you from moving on?
We’d love an update!
Heidi
Yes Christine, you are right. It’s a looooong standing program you have running with thousands and thousands of repetitions and experiences to support this program that you are not enough. It absolutely is not something you can just shut off. You have some work to do, if you are willing. It’s not easy work, especially at first. That’s why it’s called “the road less traveled.” Most of us that have taken this path feel more alone and misunderstood because most people don’t get it. However, it is a road with the greatest of rewards. The friendships and relationships you DO experience are deeper and more authentic. The amount of pleasure and joy you get to feel in life is indescribable. You get to feel so filled up by life and you get to feel such a deep trust and safety within yourself that you can handle anything that shows up and you have people that will be right by your side. Sound good??
If the man I am/was with, married to and had children with can’t even look at me, how in the world any man would? How? Do you see how much power you are giving this man? You literally are saying if HE can’t look at me, how can ANY man? You are saying that every single man thinks like him and sees life like him. Whaaaaat???? No way!!!! This simply is not true. So what that he couldn’t look at you. This guy at work didn’t see you that way. That, in and of itself, dispels this very toxic belief. So where do you start? It’s a technique I call “finish the story.” You can’t help that this programmed belief that “I’m not worth looking at” is there. So look at it, acknowledge it and immediately finish the story by adding in the truth. So the first part of the statement is a lie, right? You have to now add the truth in. So it looks like this: “If the man I was married to can’t even look at me, how in the world can any other man look at me? I’m not worth looking at…AND…I am worth loving. I am worth looking at. I am valuable and beautiful even if my soon to be ex-husband doesn’t think so. My coworker absolutely thinks I’m worth looking at and that’s the truth too.” Does this technique make sense? Now…most importantly, it doesn’t matter if you believe the 2nd half of the story or not. Say it anyway. You need to start training yourself to put the truth into your system. If you don’t know what the truth is, it’s always the opposite of the low self-esteem statement. Finish the story by saying the opposite of what the first part of the story is.
Here are my thoughts about your next best steps. You can either start reading books or joining groups or programs to start doing some healing work. There are a lot that we can recommend for you. If you want the fastest route, I would suggest working with a specialist. When you do 1 on 1 work, the guidance is unique and tailored to you and you have someone fully focused on your system and issues and someone who can guide you to places that are extremely uncomfortable. They will be able to guide you through the scariest parts and help you come out the other end in a healthy way. I have a coach who is brilliantly masterful at this and her techniques and methods are the fastest I have ever come across (I’ve see a lot of different therapists/healers/coaches over the past 30 years). I’m happy to give you her contact information if this interests you, just let me know.
Let us know what you would like to do.
This is a program on how to get guys that you want to be with to fall in love with you and flip any situation. I guess I shouldn’t be using it for this right? Would it even work hypothetically? Because otherwise, I feel like I’m wasting your time by reading my sad loveless story. We are here to help and guide ANYONE who is interested in knowing themselves better and gaining a deeper understanding about their situation. Let me ask you this…do you really want to turn around your situation and get your co-worker to be with you?? Is he really the kind of guy you want to invest in?
Heidi
Hi Mary,
Thanks for sharing more details.
I’m curious…what does he think he is holding you or himself back from? Is there a timeline in which you guys would be able to be in the same space again? If he always thinking/worrying about what you are doing, is he wondering if you are cheating on him? Have you directly asked him this?
What does “effort” look like exactly? If you are going to work on this together, you both need to come up with SPECIFIC actions and create a concrete plan of how to deal with this long distance in a better way. Have you ever hear of Marco Polo? It’s an app of video messaging. I LOVE IT! I feel so close to my friends who are in other countries or states because the times between our conversations on the phone, I get to SEE them and HEAR them and they share all their thoughts and ideas all the time and vice versa. It’s kind of like walkie talkie. They send me a video message, I listen when I can and respond back.
It sounds like he is not very good at dealing with his emotions and feelings. It sounds like he would rather breakup than to face his feelings head on and directly work with them. Have you guys ever had an argument? Does he tend to shut down and stop communicating?
Heidi
I first want to encourage you to really find some compassion for yourself. I don’t know a person alive, who would say no to a big glass of water after being in scarcity for so long. You are just being human. What this is teaching you though, is what will happen if you continue to ignore taking care of yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually.
At this point I’ve just accepted I’m not good enough. This program you have running in your system acts like a poison. If it’s the dominant program you live with, that means you will be susceptible and responsive to any man willing to give you attention. This thought is part of what caused you to live in scarcity for so long. If this is what you want to believe about yourself, then you will perpetually create a life and circumstances to support it. Is this how you want to live? Because you can choose another story. We ALL have parts of us that believe we are not good enough. It’s the core belief that causes low self-esteem. The difference between you and me and the next person, is how much of that belief system has authority in our lives. I have those thoughts and beliefs too, but because I have done so much work on clearing the traumas that helped keep it alive for so long, I now choose a different story…I am loveable, even in my messiness. I am messy AND I am wonderful and amazing. I am hard to be with and difficult AND any man who gets to be with me is dam lucky! For you, your story stops at “I am not enough.” Yes, that’s true, but that is also true for every person on this planet. There are going to be millions of times that your love, your efforts, your intentions are just not going to be enough to shift a situation. For some men, you will not be pretty enough, thin enough, funny enough, attractive enough, sporty enough, romantic enough blah blah blah. The thing is, it’s not about you. If some guy isn’t attracted to you for EXACTLY who you are, then it truly is just not a good match…it’s not personal. If they cannot love and accept you, then they are not enough for you, right? You are living with a mindset as if you have to meet another man’s standards in order to be chosen…heck no! Instead, if you live with the mindset that you are a beautiful, badass, loving woman and every single man that comes into your life needs to meet YOUR standards or he doesn’t get to have you. You are the CEO of your heart. Are you going to hire someone for your company just because they applied? No! Your heart is sacred. Every man that applies needs to be going through a RIGOROUS interview before he gets to “work” for you. A woman who views herself this way is a woman the RIGHT kind of man will fight for. A healthy, confident man will accept nothing less than a woman who treats herself this way. Make sense?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Here are 2 great articles that may be helpful just to give you some general guidelines.
Here is a great article that might be helpful
https://markmanson.net/toxic-relationship-signsGreat work!!!! I LOVE everything you have recognized. That’s the first step. Now it’s time to start doing the work with your child energy, being a different kind of parent to her and helping her feel supported and loved. This is a life long relationship you are creating and one that will get you through anything and everything. When you learn how to connect, love and support those parts of yourself experiencing the trauma, hurt or challenges of a situation, you will flow through a situation with so much more ease and love.
I do have this tendency to give first, I believe that is how you start relationships, but maybe I should stop and evaluate in between? How do you evaluate giving? :)) We are taught (i know that is conditioning) that one should give without expectations. But, one must have barriers as well. And time to ressource. I understand the idea to give without expectation. When it comes to relationships and love, if there is not an exchange of giving, then it’s just not going to be healthy relationship. It’s one thing to tip a server without saying it was you to get that “thank you” in return. It’s another thing to continually source your partner and creating an unhealthy pattern that harms you. So I take you back to this question. “Is giving to someone else, ALSO a loving thing for you?” This is how you create those boundaries….you DO NOT take yourself out of the equation. You may give at first and it feels really amazing, but over time, if the guy isn’t giving in return (filling himself up and filling you up with his giving), then there will be a point it doesn’t start to feel good for you. It’s at that time you have to re-evaluate, right? It’s an ever-changing ebb and flow that you have to stay connected to always. It’s a very creative process and requires a strong connection to your “balance” and good communication in your relationships. You can also think of it this way: Giving can also be harmful and dark. If you are giving because you have a wounded pattern driving that giving, then the energy in which you give isn’t clear and is harming you and the person on the receiving end. The energy/mindset sourcing your choice to give is WAAAAAAAY more powerful than the act itself. Does this help bring clarity?
I love that you chose the dark side of the light chasers! I love that you are facing some uncomfortableness. You are doing such a good job!!! I want to suggest some homework if you are willing. It’s called Left/Right handwriting. It’s a SUPER powerful way to connect with your child energy.
You are going to have a direct conversation with her through writing. First, let your child energy come up and then go into a craft store. Let her choose what and how she wants to write with you. I personally chose SUPER BIG crayons and really big paper. Then go home and create some time where you won’t be disturbed. Your dominant hand will be you and your non dominant hand will represent her. So you choose what you want to write with. I tend to write with a pen. I will write out my questions to her. Something like “I notice you are feeling sad about not being able to make R happy. I would love to hear more about that.” Then you write back with your non dominant hand (it truly makes you feel like a child cuz you can’t write very well) whatever comes into your mind. NO FILTERING, NO THINKING. Just write the first things that want to come out. Then you, as the adult respond to what she wrote. The rules are, just connect with her. You don’t want to try and fix how she feels, your goal is just to VALIDATE her feelings and let her know that YOU love her, even if she feels like a failure. All she really needs is to feel heard, supported, loved and protected by YOU…her mom. And you also want to remember you are talking to a child, so use the appropriate languaging for that. THAT’S IT! Then, you as the adult, can later work on problem solving. So here is an example of what a conversation might be like: Me “I see you. I can feel that you want to help R not have to feel so much hurt. That’s really nice of you.” Little girl “I feel so sad when R is sad. It feels like daddy. I don’t want him to hurt.” Me “Yes, I can see why it would feel sad for you. What else do you feel?” Little girl “I feel like I want to cry.” Me “Yes. I can feel that too. It’s okay to cry. It’s really hard to see someone you love be so sad isn’t it.” Little girl “I want it to stop. How can I make it stop?” Me “I know you want it to stop. The thing is, adults will be sad sometimes and it’s okay. It’s not your fault. You are beautiful, loveable and have such big heart. It’s okay for R and daddy to be sad. They have things that make them sad in their lives, but it has nothing to do with you.” Does this make sense? The more you do this exercise, you will be so surprised what ends up coming out, once you really start to connect and help that part of you feel safe to feel. I have been so surprised sometimes at the anger that comes up, the resentment, the need for revenge…all kinds of fun stuff!!! Again, remember you are talking to a child and that means that child energy doesn’t understand adult things, so don’t try and fix anything. Just let her feel whatever she needs to feel.
Heidi
OMG! Jordan Matter is really cool! I only watched 1 video with the contest of the twins under the water. He seems really fun!
Wow! Seems like you are an earth angel for these people. My guess is, you are definitely raising the vibration of a place that really needs it! You have so much light and love and Sarnia gets to be nourished by that. I know you want to go home and I’m so sorry that doesn’t get to happen quite yet. Instead, you get to shine your beautiful light everywhere you go.
It sounds like the reunion, as unplanned as it became, turned out really well. Why do you think your observation skills became latent? Did you just stop being curious about people or something?
Heidi
Hi Christine,
Welcome! Thank you so much for sharing this story with us. I know how hard this must have been for you to really be vulnerable and honest about your choices. No judgment here. What I DO understand is that you have feelings for a man that is not available. Believe me…you are not the first woman, nor the last, to have to face that. It’s very difficult, because those chemicals that get activated with him, course through your entire body like a drug and it feels so dam good! You are having to deal with a separation and years of not feeling wanted or cared about and now another man is making you feel something so amazing! Of course you are going to respond. I don’t know a woman who wouldn’t! Here’s an analogy though and something to pay attention to. Your feelings are not necessarily clear or true. Feelings are NOT facts. Here is what I mean by this: You have been walking in the desert for a long time and you are sooooo thirsty! You are used to the thirst as that is the only way to survive, but all of a sudden a man crosses your path and offers you a glass of water. You immediately start drinking it and the amount of relief and pleasure it brings you is sooooo incredible. You don’t want to stop drinking this water. It’s the best water you have ever tasted! Now, the problem is, you are soooo thirsty that you don’t even look at what’s in that water. You just drink. As it turns out, that water is contaminated and is going to really hurt your body. It may taste and feel so amazing in the moment, but eventually you are going to get really sick.
This is what is happening right now for you. Reality is, you have been in scarcity for such a long time and now you are getting attention in such a beautiful way. The other reality is, this man is offering you contaminated water. He is cheating. He is not being honest with himself or his girlfriend and he is playing with you. He KNOWS your insecurities and he KNOWS he has power with you. You are so responsive to him and so surprised a man would pay attention to you, that he gets to feel like a hero with you. What if you got attention like that all of time? What if you weren’t thirsty? You would allow the time and space for yourself to look at what is in that glass of water BEFORE you drink it, because you want to protect yourself from being harmed.
From just the little you shared here, there are 2 MAJOR red flags here. 1. He is choosing to break his integrity with his girlfriend. He is cheating instead of being honest with himself and his chosen partner about what is happening for him internally. You really want to fight for a guy that is lying and not facing his feelings?? If he is cheating with you, it’s pretty much a guarantee that he would cheat on you as well with another woman. 2. He didn’t want a divorce from his wife and it happened. He was warning me about what it can do to the child(He has a child, I have children). But man, He said he would never do that again. A guy who says this is NOT resolved. He is still carrying a lot of baggage about his divorce and is not in a space of true acceptance about what happened. He is attaching himself to a story about divorce that isn’t healthy. He would never get divorced again? Does that mean he will never get married again? Look at what he is choosing right now. He is choosing to cheat instead of being honest with himself and his girlfriend. He would rather cheat than face his fear of “breaking up” again. Thousands of children endure divorces and they are totally okay! Some struggle more than others of course, but he is not better of a parent staying in an unhappy marriage for the child’s sake. That’s just as harmful and carries its own consequences!
So again, no judgment here, but I want to encourage you to really look at the water you are choosing to drink. I know it feels amazing and anyone in your situation would be responding the same way. I want to encourage you to meet your own needs and really work on connecting more to your beautiful body, your beautiful self and develop more love for yourself so that you create your own glasses of water instead of drinking the dirty water because you are in scarcity. I have seen it and experienced it MANY times…once a person becomes their own source of nourishment and healing, their attentions and feelings towards the other person offering dirty water all of a sudden starts to shift and change and they become much less interested naturally. It takes great strength though and there is nothing easy about saying no to the dirty water and instead really digging deep to find your own water source. I want to invite you to watch this movie as well: https://youtu.be/ISHzzBGyt4g
Let’s keep talking. There are A LOT of layers to work through, as this is not a simple situation. I’m looking forward to your response.
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
I understand your feelings about letting him go and your investments in the program. Let’s work with the fundamentals first. You know the saying “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink?” That is ALWAYS true, no matter what you say or do. So you can do and say all the “right” things, but that will never change the traumas, hurts, stories, programs he carries internally. You may be able to get him back, but if he is not willing to do the internal work on himself, your relationship will always be limited, regardless of who you become and the efforts you put forth.
Now, with that being said, there are things you can do on your end to get creative about how to inspire him to open back up to you and connect. Will it work? There is no guarantee. My feelings are always that if you keep putting in a ton of effort to someone who is THAT hard to pull back in, then you have to ask yourself, “Is loving and trying to save this relationship a loving thing for myself?” If you REALLY want to get very honest with yourself, it’s crucial that you look at your own motivations for what you want. Yes, you love him AND you guys were pretty messy. It wasn’t a very high functioning relationship, right? So what is in you that you would want to keep fighting for a hard relationship? What is in you that you would be fighting for drama and chaos in your life that is just as strong as the love you feel. Love simply is not enough. There are skills and tools necessary to keep a relationship growing and healthy. Is he willing and interested to take that path? And if not, what is happening in you that you would want to fight for a guy who isn’t interested in becoming a better person in himself and a better partner for you? These are the kind of questions you want to explore and see what comes up for you.
So let’s look at what you CAN do right now. First and foremost, what you DO know is that he is not interested in stepping back into the same kind of relationship with you. That’s a good thing, right? So what can YOU do to shift your side of the equation? Let’s figure out some of the patterns you had that contributed to the fighting. First, have you recently sent any kind of apology, or have any greater understanding of the dynamics happening between you guys? Have you reached out at all and asked to talk with him? Let me know what kinds of exchanges you have had recently (other than the car keys question).
Heidi
Hi Sarah
I’m really sorry to hear this. This is a really tough situation you are facing. I just have a few questions.
Were you guys always fighting about the same things or were they always different? Is he willing to learn how to handle himself differently? Are you?
Here is just something fundamental. A relationship WILL NOT work, no matter how much you love each other, if BOTH people are not willing to learn and grow. So if he is just not that kind of guy, then it’s time for you to truly consider letting him go and then it’s time for you to really look inside yourself and start to connect to your own patterns and beliefs and how you functioned in unhealthy ways in the relationship.
Thoughts?
Heidi
This is great! Let’s break it down a little more:
first of all, she does not know she can refuse this “task”. His adult energy, the sadness / frustration are overwhelming Who taught her this? What is the story she has created around his sadness/frustration that makes it overwhelming?
is she failed, she would have to watch him suffer and that is heavy. The child can not leave home, so she is stuck in that atmosphere. What if you helped her accept that she did fail. And that failure is okay. Accepting this failure to make “dad” or “R” happy means she can actually rest instead of staying the “rescuer” energy. And what if you changed your story about what suffering is? What if suffering was good? What if suffering is what can motivate growth and healing? Here is a good story that may create a helpful picture of what I am talking about:
http://www.nutritionformentalhealth.com/enabling-codependency
she might just put a wall and stop caring, become insensitive to emotions. to dismiss them. to have no empathy for “weak”, emotional men. to leave. Which I eventually did in my young adult years. All of the above. It’s really good that you went through this phase! It’s important for you to feel that side of yourself. That part of yourself will ALWAYS exist. It’s just a coping mechanism (I have the same one btw). The thing is, that is just one version of yourself. You know it is not who you want to be in this world AND you also know you don’t want to live your life rescuing “weak” men. So who DO you want to be?
But I do not know how to do that in personal relationships, where I am more invested emotionally. And then you add the day to day more or less busy life – and how can you be “zen” and balanced? You get more connected to the truth. We only suffer when we are disconnected from the truth. There are multiple levels of truth from personal all the way to universal. The more connected you are to the smaller AND the bigger truths, the easier it is for you to stay grounded in the midst of mess. You do that by working with the lies and programs at the core of your belief systems. You transform those lies and replace them with truths and then the easier it is for you to be zen. This is a VERY long conversation, so let’s keep talking about it in pieces. I’m just going to share this piece with you and see if it makes sense and then we will go from there. There is a difference between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is the all the information you feed your mind. Wisdom is that knowledge in action. Wisdom is that knowledge that has transformed into experience. Once knowledge has become part of you, then it is wisdom and you cannot become separate from that, even in the chaos and messiness. For example, I remember in my late 20s getting stood up for a date. I was soooo pissed and hurt. I cycled through everything I had said and done and tried to figure out where I went wrong. I went to my girlfriend’s house and we ate ice cream and spent several hours watching movies and bashing men. I KNEW in my mind that there was nothing wrong with me. I KNEW in my mind that it is what it is, I’ll never know what happened, but it’s okay…he doesn’t define my value. That’s the knowledge I had. BUT…I didn’t FEEL that way. That knowledge was not wisdom yet. That knowledge was not part of me yet, because I still had a lot of trauma from my past to work through, that acted as a block to the truth of my value. Instead of having a bruised ego for a bit and then moving on, I spent a week trying to help myself out of the low self-esteem that was triggered. Now, I am MUCH healthier and would respond very differently because that knowledge of the truth that I am valuable, whether a guy chooses me or not, is IN me. It’s part of my cells now. So if a guy rejects me, of course my ego gets bruised, but I move on so quickly and get connected to the truth much faster. This is a sign of a healthy emotional system. It’s not that you don’t get triggered, it’s that you get connected back to the truth pretty quickly. Another simple example I use is talking about my chocolate chip cookies. I can tell you how amazing they are, how to make them and how they has dramatically influenced many situations I have encountered. I can tell you all the details about them even to the point that you could go out and sell these cookies for me because you have all the KNOWLEDGE. But if you never taste them, that’s all it is…knowledge. SO the knowledge put into action (wisdom) is tasting the cookies and having an experience with them. It’s not until that point that you can truly sell those cookies and actually own your own thoughts and feelings about them. Does this make sense? I know it’s kind of long. The bridge from knowledge to wisdom is the healing path. There is no one right way…there are many ways to heal and take that knowledge and bring it into your system. It’s a very creative and never-ending journey though.
Heidi
I LOVE this article! Thank you for sharing.
I’m glad you backed out of the connection with Marcel. It sounds like that was taking more energy and he obviously was someone you were not interested in. So I’m curious…what would stop you from just being truthful with him? Were you afraid to hurt his feelings?
Yes, I know about the cussing on construction sites…lol. It is a part of their language, isn’t it? My dad owned a demolition company, so it’s the same thing. It’s accepted and normal and they are so numb to it, they have no idea how it impacts them or other people.
It sounds like you got some good movement with getting some things done with that badass attitude of yours. Well done! They will be thankful for it! Is there anything happening with NOVA yet as far as job opportunities?
So at this reunion, practice developing your observation skills. It’s the PERFECT environment to observe people’s behaviors and guess why they act or do the things they do. Imagine you’re an investigative reporter. See if you can learn something new about each person you talk to.
Heidi
I love that you feel yourself waking up again. It’s such a special time to re-birth into a new version of yourself. I want to take you back to the question of what do you feel like having the kind of sex you are looking for, will fulfill for you. You have tried with Chris and the one chance he got, it didn’t work out and now you are looking to the delivery boy. If he can’t fulfill this sexual desire you have, then what? I wanting to know what you believe that sex will provide for you. You are looking for something very specific here and you have a belief that a specific kind of sex is going to fulfill that need. What’s that need? What are you wanting these guys to give you?
Heidi
