Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Wow! What an interesting update! You are so brave and doing some really good work…more than most people.
I agree…I have thought MANY MANY times, why don’t they teach us about relationships in school? It is a LIFE SKILL to know how to handle emotions, feelings, failures, heartbreaks etc. and not one educational institution teaches us how to deal with any of it! AND…there are MANY reasons, both healthy and unhealthy that we choose who to go deeper with…both in friends and lovers. Why aren’t we being taught how to differentiate what is driving us into certain situations???
Most people that I work with (post-breakup) have very little understanding about why they chose the person they chose and why they ignored all the red flags that were guarantees a breakup was in their future. The pain is a wake up call isn’t it?? Most people just hurt, bury the hurt and then go pick the same kind of person again and again and again with no clue that THEY are the common denominator. It’s so much easier to be a victim isn’t it?? You really are doing a great job getting to know yourself and understanding your choices and taking back your power. Well done!
Let me know how the exercise went! I’m really curious!
How are you feeling about R’s fling now? Now that you expressed your anger and hurt, do you feel more resolved about her?
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
You are quite the trooper. It is not an easy path that you have chosen to enter into. It takes great strength! My guess is, he is waiting for you to bail, like his ex-wife did, especially considering that his diagnosis is currently getting worse and he is having to look at further, more intense types of treatment. It’s not surprising he would pull away more. It’s terrifying what he is facing.
I want to suggest another option. What about just asking him straight up? You can say something like “I notice you have gone more into your cave the past month or so. I don’t have an issue with that. I just need a little guidance from you. I’m just not sure what to do. I want to reach out quite frequently and I want to visit and be with you and I’m holding a lot back, because I’m not sure how to best support you right now. Can you offer a little guidance as to the best way to support you right now?” Also, if he is dealing with a fear of you leaving him like his ex when things get really tough, one thing that can be helpful is every once in awhile, letting him know you are still committed and you want to go through whatever happens WITH him, because he is worth it. Whenever someone’s fears and low self-esteem starts to show up, it’s helpful to remind them they are worth fighting for and remind them WHY they are worth fighting for.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I’m sorry to hear about Trav and Alex. Sounds like they have a lot of work to do with each other. Contentious relationships are always such a gift in our lives. It shows us where we are rigid, controlling, judgmental and limited. Fun right??? LOL. Most people won’t do the work though. I’m glad he at least has you to vent to. Having a safe place to release is sooooo important. I know it’s concerning for you that he believes God doesn’t exist. I personally think that is a very important step. I too rejected God for a period of time and chose not to believe. I learned so much and it was an important part of my growth. It helped me re-set and re-design my views and my beliefs. Sometimes stepping completely away is a very helpful thing. I know this would be hard for you to understand as you have never doubted the existence of God, but holding space for your son to go through this is going to be a very powerful thing for him. As scary as it may be, trust his process. How come they are moving to NY? I really like the idea of you being able to support him and maybe get into graduate school. It sounds like he really needs a boost.
You want to go to Norway??? I love that! Why Norway?
Heidi
Numerology has a looooong history and science to it. It really is fascinating! You should check out this book. It’s really fascinating and fun! https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1788173473/ref=ox_sc_act_title_1?smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER&psc=1
I’m curious…you say you are not ready for anything more with JB, or any other man for that matter. What does having your “cocoon” have to do with dating? What is having your home “ready” going to do to make you ready for something more with a man?
So, why did I give away the money??! I love how you are exploring this question. It’s such a powerful one and has many many layers to it. You will slowly start to discover all the stories you have about money and where they started and where come from. The majority of your stories will be programs you have from the church, your parents and society. One interesting thing I personally discovered is how I CRINGE at the work “rich” but I open and respond to the word “abundant.” I have some beliefs that “rich” people are entitled, narcissists, money is the most important thing to them and they are empty miserable souls. My point being is you will start to discover your stories/beliefs about money and the little nuances of it, when you step into where it’s uncomfortable to go. You obviously are pretty comfortable not having a lot of money so imagine that you are a billionaire. Just start there and see what comes up for you. What parts of you like that or don’t like that and why? What are the stories that make you like it vs. not like it? Write it all down as you play with these ideas.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are full of magic!!! That is so true about you! And that will come out in your food too! I think that you feeling like you finally are creating a “home” has opened you up in such beautiful ways and there is going to be a lot more magic that will unfold for you!!!
Heidi
Hi Barbara,
Thanks for clarifying the 1.5 years. LOL! I wondered if that was a typo. So glad to hear it was!!!
Whenever I’ve asked why a relationship ended, he tells me they left. It sounds like this is the key as to what is stopping him. It’s a valid fear and one that most people have, especially with divorce in the picture after 15 years. Love is a risk, right? I’m wondering if you can be okay with his “I don’t know” for a bit. I think there are some things for YOU to work on with that. My thoughts are, you are wanting some level of a guarantee. You are wanting some level of assurance from him. The real truth is, your relationship is only good IN THE MOMENT. There is no guarantee, even for tomorrow. Tomorrow is uncertain, right? What if you really worked with the fact that FOR TODAY, he wants to be with you. Is your relationship fulfilling? Does being with him make you happy? Do you like how you guys work together? He obviously has some fears to face, but I would also say you have some fears to face as well. Can you guys just table the “future” talk and stay present and give some space to work through your different fears about the future? The fact that he is willing to go to therapy for you is fantastic! That’s movement and that deserves some time. You DO NOT know where the relationship is going. You are just head to head with one of his biggest fears. If he is willing to face it and work with it, then doesn’t he deserve some time?
He says he’s afraid of being hurt. So am I but I’m believing in him so I do it. Let’s talk about this statement a bit. Of course, he is afraid of being hurt and so are you. Instead of wanting him to believe IN YOU so he can move forward, what if you encouraged him to believe in himself?? This is essentially about trust and when we put our trust in other people, we will 100% be disappointed at some point…we are human and will let people down. First and foremost, it’s about putting trust in yourself. Whenever I am facing a fear I say to myself, “I trust in myself. I trust that I will be okay, no matter what happens. I KNOW I am resilient. I am strong. I am resourceful. I know how to heal and I know how to move past the hurt. I trust in who I am and how I show up in my life. No matter what happens in the future (fear is always about the future), I TRUST I will be okay!” This keeps me empowered. I am NOT going to rely on anyone else to behave in certain ways so that I can be comfortable and feel good in my life. That is giving away my power. That is relying on others to make me happy. Instead, I accept who people are, in all of their humannes, and I take responsibility for how I respond to their humanness. What I’m suggesting is talk to his “higher self.” So I would say something like, “Yes, I understand you are afraid of getting hurt. The truth is, I am going to hurt you and you are going to hurt me. There is no guarantee that we will last. Who knows! What I do know is that whatever happens, you are a resourceful person. I know that you made it through your divorce and somehow made it into my life and are able to love again. I know that despite the hurt you felt from your breakups, you chose to love again. I know that you will be okay, no matter what happens and so will I. I know you are the kind of man who doesn’t give up on his life and his happiness. So it’s okay that you are afraid. That just tells me you want to be more cautious and make smarter decisions. I love that about you. I’m afraid too so how about we just take one day at a time and be afraid together. What I will commit to is myself and facing my fears. Can you commit to the same thing and then we will just see where we land?” Thoughts?
Heidi
Whoa!!! What an update!!!
My goodness! What an intimate time you guys had together. It wasn’t just sex, it was cuddling and he fell asleep in your arms! That’s a big deal! That’s quite a vulnerable thing to do!
I agree that it’s good to just give that time together a little space and not bring it up. You guys are supposed to hang out again, right? I would wait and see what happens and see how he takes the lead….or not. This is where his actions are going to mean more than words. Either way, from what it sounds like, this birthday visit was probably the most intimate you guys have been, from a vulnerability perspective. My guess is, he is terrified of really falling for you. Really opening up to you is a BIG deal. If he feels that you are someone he could really seriously consider marrying, can you see why he would go suuuuuuper slow? He will most likely feel incredibly conflicted and will hop back and forth between keeping you at a distance and then merging with you. He is a slow starter to begin with, so if he is truly bonding with you, which it sounds like he is, he is going to be even slower. It is soooo incredibly scary to fall in love, especially with someone is so important in your life, right? He is risking losing you in a BIG way, right? You guys are such good friends and to this point, he has never experienced anything “lasting.” Every girl he has ever dated/loved has eventually left his life. I’m sure he does not want to experience that with you. IF he also has hints of feeling like you could really be someone he could fall for deeply, his fears about divorce are going to come up (especially since that’s a recent theme in his life) and his fears about growing up and being the next level of and “adult” and a provider are going to come up (not that he is even conscious of any of that). He most likely just feels a bunch of fear and something stopping him from moving forward. Your patience is crucial!
As far as Dave, if you feel like hanging out, then go for it! No need to tell him anything. He is Tim’s friend, not yours. Let Tim deal with the friendship in the way that he wants. If you do go and hang out, know that it will feed Dave’s feelings for you, so it’s important that you understand what you will be agreeing to. If the topic comes up, he doesn’t need to know that you and Tim hooked up, but you can express that you do have an attraction towards Tim and always have. You wouldn’t be saying anything more than what Tim already knows. If he pushes for more, you don’t need to lie, but you also don’t need to share anything either. You can simply say, “Listen, I am a really private person and don’t want to discuss Tim. It’s kind of my own private world for right now. Would you mind if we talk about something else?” I understand you really like to be honest, but Dave is not really your friend. He is a guy interested in dating you and he is Tim’s friend. So it’s best to just stay out of the way and let Tim handle the friendship. If it’s making you uncomfortable, then talk to Tim about it and you can both agree how to communicate to Dave. Thoughts?
Lastly, I would love to see some of your non-negotiable list! I would love to take you deeper into that process, as it doesn’t stop at just writing the list. I can help you take it to the next level…if you want.
Oh! Any new inspirations with your hair color???
Heidi
Hi Wendy,
Great to hear from you, even if it’s a quick check-in.
You should listen to Aubrey Marcus #326 “Knowing When to Trust Love….” It’s his most recent one I believe and I LOVED it because he and his wife talk with another couple and, in my opinion at least, really demonstrate what a healthy relationship can look like. It’s a fun podcast!
Of course you miss him in your life. That’s one of the hardest parts of a breakup…creating a new kind of day without that other person that filled it in some sort of way. I’d love to hear how the bike ride went!!
Looking forward to hearing more of an update!
Heidi
OMG!!! So funny! I move the snails out of the walkway too! I see them smashed all the time on our sidewalk and it makes me sad. I love that you do the same thing!!! I’m glad someone noticed – I love that he appreciated you for it too! He will now think twice about where he walks because of your kindness!
Yes, feeling A LOT better. Just recently started working out again and my energy is slowly returning. There is A LOT for me to learn about this new body of mine. I have a good year of re-establishing the basics. UGGGGHHH! It’s good for me though. I am beyond grateful I am a Strength Coach and know what to do. I’d be so lost and unaware otherwise. Thank you for asking!
I don’t blame you for feeling uncomfortable. You were very kind to hang out with Roy for a bit of time. I have no doubt he felt your light. What Jesus would do in this day and age might be a bit different than we think. I think it’s powerful and impactful enough just to send them good vibes and prayers without interacting with them!
Canada has a Thanksgiving in October? What is your Thanksgiving about?
Heidi
Hi Alice!
Just checking in. We haven’t heard from you in a while, so I thought I’d see if there are any new updates. What’s happening? I’m also curious how the book impacting you. Would love to hear back from you!
Heidi
Hi Mary,
I thought I’d check in and see how you are doing. Any new updates or information? I’d love to keep the conversation going and see if we can help you through some of these difficult layers. We’d love an update!
Heidi
Hi Wendy,
How are you doing?? How are you feeling? How are you processing this ending so far. You’ve had a few days to live with it. I’m curious where you might feel free and where you might feel a bit stuck.
Heidi
Hi Lelah,
We never heard back from you, so I thought I’d check in and see what’s happening. Any updates on your situation? Any thoughts or feelings about what I said?
I’d like to keep this conversation going and see if we can help you through some of this.
Heidi
Hey there! I just wanted to check in and see how you felt about what I said. I know it was not what you wanted to hear. I understand that keeping your family together is one of the most important things to you. I just wanted to keep the conversation going and see if we can unpack some of this to help you find a direction of peace and happiness, whether you are together or not.
We hope to hear back from you!
Heidi
Hi Victoria,
I am still wondering if you ever did any work with a therapist/coach/healer about being in a relationship with an abusive man. What have done for yourself to help you heal and clear the traumas from that?
I know he has some red flags but so do I. I am willing to look past those and make this work You are willing to look past the red flags?? Really?? I want to slow you down here. Red flags mean STOP. Red flags mean this person is NOT available for the kind of relationship you are looking for. How he is functioning and handling this whole thing, is telling you he is NOT a partner, he is NOT someone who is willing to face his fears, he is NOT someone you can count on to get through hard times with. Do you really want to look past all of that? You DO NOT want to repeat your last relationship! I know this guy is not abusive however, he is still not a partner who can be relied on. I know you have extremely strong feelings for him and why wouldn’t you. He probably treated you the best you have ever been treated in your life! Unfortunately, it’s not our best sides that make a relationship work, it’s actually our worst sides. What I mean by that is whoever we are in our worst, is what will make or break a relationship. How we are treated when our partner is hurt, angry, upset, stressed etc. is THE MOST IMPORTANT aspect to pay attention to. If they are disrespectful, hurtful, ghosting, not willing to take ownership…then that is a person is NOT able to function or support a healthy relationship. This guy is disrespectful with how he just bailed, he is ghosting you, he is hurting you and he is not willing to talk about any of it. He wants to just go into his cave and not behave like an adult and work through whatever he is feeling WITH you. So even if you were able to get him back somehow, this side of him WILL show up again. He disconnection from you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the baggage he is carrying inside. I get we all have baggage, but it’s what we do with that baggage that matters. Just something to think about.
I want to stick to the no contact rule but I don’t even know if he is fazed by it or not. Of course he is aware of your absence and I’m sure he misses you, but whatever is happening for him, it’s MUCH BIGGER than any feelings he has for you. I want to encourage you to take these 30 days and really work with the feelings you are having around this. That’s a lot of what the 30 days is about…detaching, re-evaluating, getting to know how you feel and not escaping those feelings by trying to get the other person back, just so you can feel better. Is this something you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Lucinda,
Have you talked to him about being friends? Honestly, I wouldn’t count on it. His schedule sounds insane and it also sounds like he just doesn’t want to add anything onto what he is already dealing with. You guys can’t REALLY be friends until you stop having feelings for him and vice versa. Going immediately into friendship means what for you, exactly? Hanging out once a month? Connecting every once in a while through texts? Talking on the phone sometimes? It’s a tricky line as long as you still have any attachments/attraction for him.
Thoughts?
Heidi
