Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Wonderful! I’m happy to hear you are willing to do some work on yourself! Many times, when women start to change and work on themselves, men will follow. Maybe he will do that with you.
What would it mean about you if you were alone? What do you think it means about you if he and his friends don’t love you? What was your childhood like? I imagine that your parents may have been limited in some sort of way, yes?
Here are some places to explore. See if any of these resonate for you. If not, let us know as there are A LOT more suggestions we have!
https://www.netflix.com/title/81010166
https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-non-linear-movement-method-2/Heidi
Hi Stephanie!
Thank you for sharing your story with us! I understand the complication and I understand your strong desire to fix things. This is a pretty big deal, so let’s see if we can break this down and help you learn a better way to approach this.
Literally, the best relationship I have had in years and there have been ZERO red flags. Well here is your first red flag then. I guarantee he has many more! The red flag is that he is holding onto some anger, hurt and resentment. He isn’t forgiving his brother and this is a REALLY BIG red flag. If he is choosing not to forgive his brother, then that means he will not choose to forgive you or anyone else. I know he may not know the “how” but when people make that claim, my response is “What books have you read? What videos on youtube have you watched about forgiving? What programs have you researched?” Most people have no answers because they “say” they want to forgive and don’t know how, yet they take no action…which means they REALLY would rather hold onto their “story” about whatever happened. When someone TRULY wants to be free from hurt or whatever baggage they are carrying, they will take ACTION and that is something he hasn’t done yet. So this means you are choosing a guy who is choosing to be a victim to his brother’s actions. He isn’t forgiving, he is holding the hurt very close to his heart and his anger/resentment is big enough that now it’s interrupting his relationship with you. BIG RED FLAG!!!!
As I am getting older, my dating options are getting slimmer and slimmer. Especially in the town that I live in, the men to select from are horrible. Such a bleak outlook. Your age is so irrelevant. I understand your dating pool might really suck. What this statement sounds like to me is a fear that you carry about finding someone. So now that you found this guy, you really hope it works because you don’t have any other options. I’m not saying this is ALL of how you feel. I’m just saying this is part of what you feel. It sounds like you have a fear about not finding a good man that you resonate with if things don’t work out between you and this guy.
so of course I’m going to have weak moments and react not “correctly”. Explain this a little more. How have you reacted “incorrectly?”
but I just wish there was a way I could “word” or “phrase” something to make a light click in his head and make him be like “this girl deserves for me to try”. There is no such thing to create a guarantee of anything. I get REALLY tough with people here. Don’t you want him to DO the REAL work to resolve this instead of fixing it for him? He needs to man up, grow up and figure out a way to stop letting his past affect his present. He is actually willing to lose you over this…at least for right now. I understand you want him to fight for you. That’s every girls’ dream! It’s crazy hard to watch someone so easily let go because of some story they are carrying about their past. Now is the time to have a reality check about the kind of man he is when he is under stress. I tell people that you choose someone based on who they are in their worst moments, not their best moments. Who he is in his worst, how he treats you, how he treats himself, how he treats others, how he creates resolution….all these things will make or break a relationship. I don’t care how strong your relationship is when things are good, if they are also not strong when they are not so good, it breaks trust, safety and respect…things that a relationship will NOT survive without. So right now, he is showing who he is under stress and how he handles things. He is showing you he has the ability to disconnect from you. Again, he uses the excuse that he “doesn’t know how” even though there are a MILLION books, techniques, videos, workshops etc. that are available anytime for him. He is willing to break connection because of hurt…I know he is wonderful as well. You are just seeing the other side of him now for the first time. To be honest, a guy who chooses to ruin his happiness like this is a guy who will let fear and hurt run his life. This is the first time you are seeing this about him, but I guarantee it won’t be the last unless he chooses to find a healthier way to handle things in his life.
Now that I have said all of that, let me know your thoughts.
Lastly, let’s see if there is a way to help inspire him into a place of healing. WHat have your conversations been like? How have you talked about this? How many times?
Heidi
But I guess there is not much I can do other than giving him time. Keep providing a space for him to talk about it as well. Why not ask him where he is at about his parents? Some of his current thoughts and feelings.
I think you are spot on in that he just can’t handle losing you on top of Anna and his parents. He definitely needs more time. And yes, you are correct. Fear is paralyzing if it’s big enough and that means that people miss out on some really powerful, wonderful things in life. I hope this is not his choice. I have no doubt you will reach a point where waiting for him to “be ready” is just not in you anymore. You can only wait for so long. Right now things are really great and progressing, but he DOES have to face his fears, or he will lose you regardless. It’s ironic because he will actually make his fear come true by letting it run his life.
1. He shouldn’t have an “I don’t care” attitude. Turn this into a positive statement. Something like “positive/glass is half full” attitude.
2. He shouldn’t always just stay home and do nothing. So while I’m out doing things, he shouldn’t constantly miss me. Again, what’s the positive side of this? He is independent and has a life separate than me.
3. He shouldn’t be clingy. I want my own space and for him to have his own space (I wrote this, because once a guy was always just focused on me, even when we were out with HIS friends, he wouldn’t even let me really talk to them. And he talked even less to them, he basically ignored them. I really didn’t like that, I’m a very social person, and I think the guy I’m with should be like that too and not just talk to me). This feels similar to #2
4. He should have other interests than just partying and going out. What other kinds of interests?
5. He should take care of himself (with that I mean basic things, like brushing his teeth, putting sunscreen on, maybe working out and eating healthy. I don’t mean all the time, but just so you can see that he actually cares about himself and his health) Health is a VERY big topic. Get more specific. You mentioned hygiene but then “maybe” working out. How many times a week? How does he eat? How else does he take care of himself?
6. He should trust me and I should be able to trust him. This is a tricky one. Trust, fundamentally, needs to be about oneself vs. trusting another. Reality is, he is going to break your trust and you will breaks his. It’s just part of being human. More importantly, you want him (and yourself of course) to have a super strong trust in himself, first and foremost. When someone implicitly trusts themselves, it allows them to risk in life. For example, Tim isn’t trusting himself right now. His fear is so big about losing people that it’s causing him NOT to trust that he will be able to handle losing you, should it ever come to that. A lack of trust, means NOT risking, not very resilient and a small, limited life.
7. He should have goals for the future (Actually I think here I don’t mean specific goals, but that he has at least some kind of plan of what’s ahead of him in life and that he actually thinks and cares about the future.) Again, be more specific. It’s important to be like-minded in this area. Would it be okay for you to have a guy whose future goal is to become a manager at McDonalds or the manager of a grocery store? You REALLY don’t care?Let’s just keep working with these statements. There is A LOT more to take you through. It’s going to take a bit, because I usually teach this class over zoom, so typing it all out will take a while, so stay with me!
Heidi
recognized a part of me that has absolutely no problem commanding a ‘legion of soldiers’. OMG! I can totally see you being an incredible leader. You have such internal strength, you have been in the trenches, there is nothing you would ask from anyone that you have done yourself and you would expect quality work, as that is what you produce, so you would expect the same from them.
She’s not going to get herself dirty anymore, she’s already done that in her young days. lol 😀 I think i might have her genes. lol 🙂 Your description of your aunt made me laugh! This is awesome!
1. their attitude towards men – they have no respect for men. They talk of men as if they are one more child to take care of. and they assume that ALL men are immature and childish. and they act as if relationships with men are a burdensome necessity – kind of like a job. I have heard many women talk this way. I usually ask them, “if you are so unhappy, what’s stopping you from creating a different design? I can’t stand “victim” talk. I hear it from men as well. Believe me, most men I meet ALSO have a lot of negative core thoughts about women.
2. They have a martyr complex – they feel like they’re the ones who are holding the household together and if they don’t do it, nobody will. But they’re good little martyrs, sacrificing their own needs to be a slave to their children and their husband. Yes…this is a common one for sure! Women are the relationship caretakers, but mostly what’s missing is the women not feeling appreciated enough for what they do and it’s easy for women to get into the “over-giving” aspect in efforts to keep everything together.
3. They jump to conclusions based on their own experiences and do not have the ability to listen long enough to understand that your experiences are different from theirs and you do not have the same issues as they do. So, they assume that you are also being a mother to your husband and that you are also a martyr, etc. I hear this a lot from men too actually. Men, in general, need a lot of help learning how to truly listen. It’s more natural for most women, but I would say it’s more of a HUMAN aspect where people assume others’ experiences are similar.
4. I truly hate how women behave like men are somehow pathetic because they like sex. and they talk as if sex is such a big chore, and they just want the men to ‘grow up’ and stop already. Yes. I understand this one a lot. Sexuality in our culture is VERY immature in general. Human sexuality has A LOT of layers to it. Many men have no clue to how to prime a woman and many women have no clue how important sex is to men. It takes conscious effort, education, communication, self-discovery, emotional intelligence and so much more in order to have a healthy sex life first with yourself and then with a partner.
5. They have no reverence for trust. I think trust is sacred. When someone trusts you enough to tell you, and show you who they truly are, that has to be treated with care and respect and never shared carelessly or taken lightly. So, talking about how a man behaves at home, or what their sex life is like, what his weaknesses are, etc — this is just plain ugly. I agree. Trust is one of the most sacred things someone can offer another!Now….to be fair, create a list of 5 general patterns in men that are also limiting and are the “shadow” side of men.
I think it’s a privilege and an honor to built a relationship with a man and it’s an utmost compliment when a man fully trusts you. Men are not immature and they are not another child to take care of. They are totally full grown adults, and perfect partners for adventures and exploring life. Men have a deep and intrinsic wisdom, just like women do, and it complements the wisdom of women. Men are also very capable of building solid friendships and they are very loyal and respectful, and it bothers me when are considered to be ‘shallow’. I agree! It is an utmost compliment for a man to offer his trust. I would say that is true for any person of any gender. However, I would not agree with the general statement that men are not immature. Plenty of men are very immature and do not behave like grown adults. I would say that majority of the population, both men and women, are very young. I can’t remember what organization determined this, but I remember hearing a statistic from some national psychology association that 93% of people in the U.S. live at an emotional state of a 13 year old. I laughed at that! I can totally see that! It’s rare to come across someone who has higher emotional intelligence, who takes responsibility for their lives, isn’t doped up on medications and they are actively growing/learning about themselves. So in general, my opinion is both men and women still have a lot of evolving to do.
I think i’m going to find out where she is, and invite her out for some tea! i have good memories of her energy. She’s a good woman. I’m glad our conversations brought her back to my mind. 🙂 I totally get it! All the examples you described were completely valid! I can’t believe she actually called your ex! That completely goes against client confidentiality, especially without your permission. She could have lost her license for something like that if you had decided to report her. Every example you offered, she was crossing a very clear professional boundary, so it makes sense that you ran.
Heidi
How does self-love look like to you? I think i have plenty of self-love. My bad. Yes! You DO have a lot of self-love. Even since you started on this forum, you have grown tremendously in this area. You also have low self-esteem and it’s strong enough in certain categories that it stops you from your greatness. For example, it’s low self-esteem when you say “who am I to create a class and sell it?” We all have areas in our lives where low self-esteem is a bit stronger, so that’s what I am referring to. I didn’t mean to make it a whole blanket statement about how you feel about yourself.
I don’t make heads turn, and no one will fall for the pictures on my profile. I’m the kind of person that one needs to get to know over time, and only then will i be attractive to that person. Sorry. I’m going to disagree in the sense that this is NOT a fact. This is just perspective. I remember dating a pretty unattractive guy in college, but for some reason, he caught my attention from the moment I met him. I was able to see the WHOLE of him and see how beautiful he actually was. It’s very possible for someone to see you or your profile pics and be instantly attracted to you. It’s all about perspective.
To me, trusting in myself sounds the same as trying to heal myself when i have cancer. It’s stupid. I know that when i rely on God to provide for me, i can face ANYTHING and Do anything that needs to be done. I”m not saying to rely ONLY on yourself, I’m saying that your relationship and trust in yourself is JUST AS IMPORTANT as your relationship with God. Wouldn’t you imagine that God wants you to feel about yourself the same way that he feels about you? In ANY relationship, whether spiritual or human, there are always 3 parts. There is you and your relationship with yourself, there is the other person or being and their relationship with themselves and there is the relationship together. Each aspect (separately) affects the whole.
Yes, there’s definitely a wall between me and women. I think it’s like an amputated limb that has healed. I feel no need to grow it back, because i’ve learned how to function without it. Am i full of fear? to be honest, i don’t know. it isn’t a fear of being hurt – it’s something entirely different. It’s an icky feeling that increases when a woman gets too close. It feels sticky and uncomfortable, and gross. I get it. I understand your viewpoint that why would you need to face it if you have learned to live without it. You get to believe that way. It’s kind of like not knowing your missing something you’ve never had. I will tell you though, you will always be limited in your healing and growth as long as you don’t face this energy about women. This gross and icky feeling affects you more than you think. Rejecting women is rejecting yourself as you are a woman. Rejecting women is also rejecting God’s creation. I know you may not be connected to fear, but fear is at the core. That icky/gross feeling is a feeling about safety, deep inside. You’ve never really explored this aspect, so maybe one day when you do, you will discover what’s really in there. At this point, it doesn’t sound like it interests you and that’s okay! I have a feeling that someday, you will be ready to explore this aspect about yourself. You are already doing some really good work.
i just don’t feel the need to connect to another woman, and i don’t feel the need for the women in my life to know a little more about me – not in that area anyway! it’s too precious of a space for me, and i feel like their presence will spoil it in some way. I understand. You are not inspired to share and be vulnerable. AND…not all women are the same. You are here, sharing all of this stuff with me and I somehow have the kind of reaction that feels okay for you. I’d like to invite you to consider each woman you come across as a different person…not male or female or any specific color…but just a person. Just as when dating a guy, you want to get to know them first BEFORE really making any sweeping generalizations about him just because he is a man. Just a thought.
it going to her because she made me feel uncomfortable when i got stronger – she said something that was such a totally ICK feeling — something like — “The reason you have such a reaction to motherhood and mothering, is because you haven’t experienced a healthy mothering.” For whatever reason, i felt like she was suggesting that i should experience positive mothering and i freaked out and i cut ties with her soon after. Tell me more about this! I don’t really understand. How you interpreted what she said is one perspective. I’m also curious how this triggered you and in what way. I understand it was an “ick” feeling. What would make you cut off instead of working through that and gaining a deeper understanding about your trigger. You seem very interested in facing things about yourself. At least that’s what I know about you here. Maybe back then, you weren’t quite ready for that level of depth. Just curious.
Actually, no. I’ve always been very lenient with myself, except that, i’ve always thought it was WRONG to be kind to myself. I’m confused, so maybe you need to explain this a little more for me. You say you are lenient with yourself YET in the same exact sentence you believe it’s “wrong” to be kind to yourself. Do you see how those come across as contradictory? Wouldn’t you say that oppression is about making yourself small. Smashing down your greatness, making yourself less than. You have made SEVERAL statements over the past few posts talking about how you are less than everyone and everyone can always do things better than you. Even this statement “Is this really true? why would anyone make a trip just for me? What can it possibly mean?” it was just too much for me to take, so i put it aside to marvel at it. It was like being given a gift that was too costly, and i just have no clue how to even hold it. is revealing how little you actually think of yourself…which to me is you being oppressive towards yourself. If you TRULY believed how wonderful you are and how valuable you are in this world, to EVERYONE, then you wouldn’t be surprised that someone would come for a visit to see you. It seems like you can receive God’s love, but you are not able to BE God’s love. Meaning, you can receive it if it’s coming from him, but there really is not a lot of self-love. God can love you as much as you want, but that doesn’t change that YOU have to be able to also see yourself through God’s eyes and see your greatness. It seems that is a missing piece here. Just my thoughts and maybe I am misunderstanding.
So, basically, it means, there are no victims, because those who are being abused in some way are choosing to be in that situation. If it is true that there are no victims, then it must also be that there are no oppressors. I understand your point. Let me expand a little further. First, I didn’t realize she wasn’t here in the U.S. Yes, you are correct in that there is a lot of help here for people wanting to get out of the situation. It’s different in other countries. Being a victim or an oppressor is an attitude. Children, in my mind, are the only true victims as they don’t have a choice and also are not developed enough to be able to choose an attitude or mindset. In this one movie, this was a great debate between a teacher and gang members. The teacher was arguing that there is always choice and a gang member said something like, “not if you have a gun pointed at your head.” And then another student said, “Well then, the choice is in how you want to die. You can choose to any mindset you want even if you have a gun pointed at your head.” There is also another movie I really like about The Hurricane who was a black pro boxer. THere was a white cop who was ALWAYS after him and eventually pinned a murder on him that he never did. There was a scene where he was in jail and he talked about how he found a way to feel “free” even though he was in prison. My thoughts are that we can be a victim for a moment, in the case of rape, murder etc., but the mindset we choose after those moments (if we are still alive of course) is where we have the choice to stay a victim or heal. Every single moment in life has lessons for us, right? My main point is, being a victim or being an oppressor is a mindset, beyond any moment of a crime. Your friend Reeta wasn’t willing to stand up for herself and deal with the consequences of that choice. So her choice was to instead stay in the situation and continue being abused. Does that make her a victim? She eventually found a way out, right? Could she maybe have done that sooner? Were there any other opportunities or things she could have done to get out of the situation? Only she knows that. Either way, she stayed in it and she got out. Hopefully, she has helped herself heal, forgiven, let the past go and learned from all of it so she doesn’t get into that situation again. I wish we could talk about this in person because there are soooooo many layers about this particular concept that are extremely difficult to express through typing. I do however understand your point of view and understand why you think the way you do. When you get down to the nitty gritty, it creates a certain perspective. I have a tendency to look at the BIGGEST picture I can find about a situation and it actually changes perspective. Imagine if you had a bird’s eye view of a situation. A bird’s eye view sees EVERYTHING whereas a person’s view on the ground only sees what is in front of them….2 very different perspectives, right?
All of my judgmental attitude towards people comes from this cultural way of thinking – the way of seeing some people as superior and others as inferior. Of course! It’s really strong social programming isn’t it?
so there’s no more fear of emotional pain. And, it’s not ‘myself’ that i trust, but God, because i know that no matter the situation, He will supply me with all the resources i need to heal. In fact, i’m so sure of this that i feel i can’t even be hurt in this area anymore. Why not have trust in yourself as well. God can provide, but YOU have to be the one to take actions and actually go through the situation, so having trust in yourself is crucial. You think you can’t be hurt in what area? With women??
Also, i don’t connect to women emotionally, so they can’t cause me emotional pain to start with. Only men can do that. So i tried to think of what exactly i am protecting from other women? They cannot destroy what they don’t have access to, so what is it that i feel like they have access to? If you don’t connect to women emotionally, then wouldn’t you say there is a “wall” there? Wouldn’t you say that there is a “block” of some sort preventing you from connecting with the majority of the human race? This statement you make is full of fear, from my viewpoint. Walls or blocks of any kind are about protection. There is a fear of being hurt, so a wall goes up so you can protect yourself from being hurt. If you are THAT numb that you can’t connect to other women, then that just tells me how wounded you have been by them in your past….enough to cause you to not feel anything (being numb). What are your thoughts on this?
There WAS something else that came up from the mediations today — to story was about Jesus, going to Jerusalem, and he was passing through Samaria. He sent some disciples ahead of him to make preparations but when the samaritans in that village found out that he was staying there on his way to Jerusalem, they didn’t want to host. And i was wondering about that, because a part of me felt like the reason they didn’t want to host is because they were offended that he was only visiting with them because they were on the way, and not because he was making the trip solely for them. Could that be true? Of course this could be true…but it could be something else. Only the people that were there and involved really know. Does it matter though?
I still don’t see how a deeper relationship with a woman would look like. Yes you do. Reeta is someone you were deeply connected to. I’m not saying that you need deeper relationships with women though. I’m more looking at your general mistrust and general attitude towards women. You give men so much more leeway, patience, understanding than you do women. I mean, why not tell a woman at your work about JB? What’s so bad about that? It allows another co-worker to know you a little more. Is that so bad?
Heidi
I’m glad you guys agreed to not drink. Well done!
Of course he has issues as well, but whether or not he wants to do the work to resolve them is a different story. Is he willing to read books, go to seminars, find a therapist etc.? What are YOU willing to do to begin to heal and change?Your neediness is insecurity and being driven by fear. What are you afraid of that makes you needy?
Heidi
What incredible questions you are asking!!!
Here is a great podcast to listen to: https://open.spotify.com/episode/3Pko0IqPJkh46q0xX67Jdx?si=m5tWpISwQiOnLWE8uHFLWg&dl_branch=1
First, your need for revenge is of course the ego, but go deeper. What is the “ego” needing? How will revenge serve your ego? Your need for revenge is about him hurting you and you want to hurt him back. That is child/wounded energy and thinking. What does your child energy REALLY need? And lastly, the way to resolve this is through forgiveness. Forgiving is about giving up your need for revenge. Forgiveness is about letting go of the story, the hurt, the betrayal etc. and only being left with peace about what happened. Are you willing to forgive him and her? But it is not an excuse, is it? It is just a sign of emotional immaturity and distress. Just as you have a need to hurt him, he acted from a need to hurt you. Yes, it’s emotionally immature. We all have those feelings. A true adult though, will handle those feelings personally and not allow the childish energy to take over and cause harm. He doesn’t have enough adult energy to control those BIG feelings that the wounded child part of him carries.
So, the conclusion is that we are such complicated beings, and that maybe we should not have expectations of anybody. To be so grounded, that whatever anybody does, does not faze us. Of course things are going to phase us, no matter how emotionally healthy or grounded we are. I personally consider myself on the high end of emotionally healthy and it’s because of 2 things: 1. I am resilient. When I get hurt, I quickly deal with my feelings, emotions, stories etc. and I always choose to forgive. And I do it pretty quickly. I have an incredible coach to help me with the bigger things and I have a skillset to be able to handle the smaller things. So WHEN I get triggered, I know how to heal. 2. I have cleared so much baggage and that results in 2 things: Triggers happening only occasionally instead of frequently and when I do get triggered, I recover quickly. My point being is that emotional health to me is not about NOT getting triggered, it’s about having healthy responses to triggers and not choosing the victim mentality. Does this make sense?
Accepting that we are flawed, that at a certain point anybody can dissapoint us. But is this realistic? Can we function like this, and still be involved with life? Can a life partnership function like this? Yes, we are flawed. Yes we will be disappointed and will disappoint the ones we love. Yes, we can function like this and still be involved in life like I just explained. Yes, a healthy relationship can function like this. I think the podcast I shared above will be a good example for you. I personally loved it!
How about commitment, shared goals? Don’t they become expectations? How to navigate this? What type of life can this be? For a certain reason, the phrase “with eyes wide open” comes to mind. Can we really gain such clarity? How? It’s important to have shared goals and dreams. Absolutely expectations come into the picture and not all expectations are a bad thing. Some expectations are crucial for a healthy relationship. For example, I expect that whomever I am with, to treat me with respect. I will ALWAYS expect that and if someone doesn’t align, then I have a choice to make don’t I? These are standards. When it comes to shared goals and dreams, it’s about staying in communication about the expectations, the plans, the timing of when and how you will meet those goals together. Reality is, someone may bail or not show up well…the point is not to get sooooo attached that you are not also able to go with the flow and stay open to changes. It’s more about the level that we get attached to something or someone being a certain way, that it doesn’t allow “flow” where problems can arise. Flow is about acceptance, eyes wide open to see and feel and be aware of all the dynamics and not being attached to an outcome. Does this make sense?
I seriously could talk about this stuff hours!!! I LOVE this! You are asking such wonderful questions and there is sooooooo much more to say, so keep asking!
Heidi
Wow! What an incredible weekend! I love that you guys had such a good time together and that he kept saying that! He is experiencing you being involved in his life on a much deeper level and discovering how good that feels for him. I’m sure that’s scary at the same time. You said he keeps saying that he doesn’t want to lose what he has with you, so my guess is, that is his biggest fear. He is afraid that if things don’t work out between you guys (which I’m guessing he thinks will happen) then he is going to lose your friendship and it’s clear your friendship is really important to him. It’s a HUGE risk for him to step into a relationship with you.
It said that it feels less exciting, and that usually people get less of the butterfly feeling, less of the nervousness and that because of that people won’t equate it with interest, love or chemistry I’m not going to 100% agree with this. I have felt PLENTY of butterflies, excitement and passion with guys who were very available. I would not associate excitement and butterflies only with unavailable men. That’s quite a generalization. I understand what they might be referring to and there is SOME truth in it, but I personally would not make a sweeping general statement like that. Each situation and couple carries unique experiences, so I would more recommend to just take it one situation at a time. I also am not seeing how this is true for Tim. My educated guess is that he is just truly afraid to lose your friendship and he believes he will lose it by stepping into a relationship with you. Those are my thoughts at least.It can also be calm and secure, but that many people are not used to that feeling and it takes some time to get used to it that relationships can feel like that too. Again, love can feel like a million different things. Love takes on the shape of the people experiencing it, so it can be calm and secure and passionate and exciting all at the same time! Love is so darn expansive, so I think it’s more important to understand that love will take different shapes, according to who you are and who the other is and love can be molded and shaped into different things as well. Love is limitless!
As far as going to the next level for the non-negotiable list, it’s basically REALLY testing out the non-negotiables. I will ask a lot of questions about your list and really push you and challenge you with it. It’s mainly about going a lot deeper in the understanding of what you are asking for with that list.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Ale,
You are asking some of the most important questions to ask, if you are going to make some changes. Well done!
I want a relationship where the guy is all About me, What does this mean exactly? How do you imagine a relationship would feel or look like if he was all about you? In your mind, do you feel this is what a healthy relationship would look like?
From your reading and understanding, what makes you needy? Do you know where this began? Have you always been like this? Or are you feeling this way only in this current relationship?
Would you be willing to stop drinking for now? It sounds like that is a point of contention, so maybe consider taking it out for now until you guys are able to function more peacefully with each other.
Lastly, it’s important to understand that he is NOT responsible for your happiness nor making you feel like you are valuable and loveable. That is YOUR responsibility first and foremost. Your unhappiness is about the stories, wounds, hurts etc. that you have carried inside since you were a child. If you have never done any kind of healing work, all those emotions just keep building and building and building and then when you try to have a relationship with someone, all those stored emotions keep getting triggered. If you really want a healthier relationship where you stop fighting, then would you consider maybe working with a coach or a therapist so you can begin to clear the baggage you are carrying?
I too had a tumultuous relationship a few decades ago, similar to yours. We fought so much AND we were electric together. Our passion was always palpable. When things were peaceful and good, it was REALLY good. Unfortunately the escalation of our fighting and hurt just became too much and we needed to separate. Funny enough, we recently reconnected and caught up (20 some years later) and the chemistry was still instant and powerful and we treated each other sooooooo much better because we both have done a lot of healing work. It was really healing to get to circle back around in a healthy, respectful way. The path you guys are on right now is towards a breakup, unless something changes. If you guys fight when you drink, then stop drinking. Start taking a look at yourself and what is driving you to fight with him and take a deeper look into your insecurities and neediness. Those are the things you can do to start to create some impactful changes.
Thoughts?
Heidi
The Ho’oponopono prayer is weird to me in that it is not directed TO anyone, and also, it doesn’t seem to come FROM anywhere. What am i saying sorry for? Who am i asking for forgiveness? that open-endedness made it full of uncertainties for me. IT has the opposite effect of TRUST. I understand why this prayer has no value for you. You weren’t taught the depth of it and where it comes from. It’s actually centuries old and is incredibly powerful. It’s been used in Hawaiin ceremony as an act of forgiveness and conscious choice to sit in front of another who has “harmed” you and choose forgiveness towards them and towards yourself and towards the situation. If you just read the 4 lines of the prayers, it doesn’t make sense and doesn’t feel very powerful. If you read the history and where it comes from, it takes on an incredibly powerful meaning and purpose. The guy who make it popular in the west was a psychiatrist. Yes, the mental prison was in a horrible mess. The guy would read each inmate’s file each day and ask himself “what is in my ‘brother’ that caused him to do these things, that also lives within me?” Meaning, if an inmate was angry, he would look for the anger within himself and then do the ho’oponono prayer (there’s a bit of prep you do other than just saying the sentences). It took 2 years. At the end of 2 years, 10 of the 12 inmates were 100% healed from their mental illness and the prison was actually shut down because it wasn’t needed anymore. That’s the power of any prayer, if used in it’s most powerful, high frequency state. I love though, that at the very least, you found how valuable words are for you and it brought more into relationship with prayers that DO resonate for you.
SO, yeah. don’t do the things you see me do on the outside. There’s a lot on the inside that’s the basis of what i’m doing on the outside and there’s no way i can write all that down. Yes yes yes! YOU are the only one who knows what feels the most powerful, purposeful and helpful for what you are wanting to create. This is such a valuable lesson that all of us need to be reminded of. Being a coach, I have to be reminded occasionally that what I think the person should do for the best outcome, is what is best for them. LOL. The thing is, all I can ever really do is give someone information, ask questions and help them connect to THEIR truth. Then I have to let it all go. I have to let go of the outcome and let them do whatever they want with the information I share. It’s THEIR life and I need to trust in their path.
i hate Indians and their oppressive cultures! they snuffed out her laughter! and the light in her eyes. I’m going to be quite blunt here. I hope it’s okay. You hatting their oppressive tendencies is exactly how you treat yourself. You are incredibly oppressive towards yourself, yes? The thing about your friend is she is NOT a victim. She CHOSE to stay. She CHOSE to be abused. Eventually she figured it out, which is so good for her! It’s awful what she had to endure. However, the culture did not steel her light. She let her light go out. That is one thing that no one can ever take from us. It is the one thing we DO have control over. We can either fight to keep our light alive or we give into the darkness that life presents. I don’t blame you at all for feeling how you feel about the whole situation. Maybe look into this a little more? Maybe look into your hatred toward that culture and see what is in you that acts the same way.
I’m trying to allow myself to feel what it feels like to be seen and chosen by God. He’s been doing some pretty cool stuff in my life. So, i have to think about this and soak it in. This is great! How about taking it a step further and seeing YOURSELF this same way. You can look to God all you want, but also along with that is also viewing yourself in the same way. YOU need to choose you. YOU need to see you. This is all about self-love, right?
i just feel deflated when i feel like someone else has worked harder than i have. Why haven’t i worked harder? What’s holding me back? i can’t compete for attention, because i know i will fail. Even if i win, it would be temporary, because it’s not hard to beat my score. Sometimes, i wonder why God is paying so much attention to the details of my life. I’ve got nothing to give him in return. The thing is Vino, there is no competition. There will always be someone working harder at something than you are. That’s true for everyone. It doesn’t mean that what you do has any less value. You are basing your value in this world on “performance” (which is the divine masculine energy) vs. basing your value on this world by just “being yourself” (which is the divine feminine energy). You ARE enough just as you are. Even if you fail, you are enough. You are enough to recover, to be resilient, to learn, to grow, to become more. YOU ARE ENOUGH not based on anything other than you just ARE. That’s how God views us. We are loved and valued JUST BECAUSE we are his creation…nothing more. If we can actually love ourselves in the same way, then comparing/competing wouldn’t need to happen. We are giving our best in any given moment and some days our best is really awful and some days our best is pretty spectacular. It’s ALL good, right?
Anyway — it’s far too humiliating to be told someone else can teach me how to talk to God better than i do on my own. You are competing again with this statement. How come someone’s teaching has to be “better” than what you know. There are PLENTY of people that I have learned from that know far less than I do and know far more than I do. Everyone is a teacher to me. I don’t compare whose information is more or less than me, I just take in information and see if it works for me or not. There are plenty of teachings that are powerful, yet they just don’t fit for me at the time. So really, humiliation doesn’t need to exist. It’s just about people sharing information and you just decide whether you want to use or reject that info. There is not “better than” that exists in that.
I don’t know what healing should look like in this area, as i don’t really see any benefit to being able to be trust a woman fully and be vulnerable in front of her. It’s not about trusting “other.” It’s about trusting yourself. The reality is, man or woman, they will hurt you, right? WE are all human and will hurt ourselves and others. So putting your “trust” in someone outside of yourself is a bit of a illusion. Trusting someone else will behave in a certain way that feels okay for you…means you are believing that person will behave in that way all the time. They may or may not. Who knows. SO the point is about instead staying empowered and trusting in YOURSELF that no matter WHEN that person (male or female) hurts you, you will be okay. You are resilient, strong, resourceful and valuable. So no matter how someone else behaves, you KNOW you can heal, forgive and move beyond the hurt. It’s you and God. You have a strong relationship and trust in God, but the piece that is missing is your relationship with yourself. You are doing some beautiful work in this area though. It’s a very layered and lifetime process, right? Women are reflective of how much you don’t trust yourself. If you TRULY trusted yourself deeply and unconditionally you wouldn’t feel like you needed to protect yourself against them, right?
Heidi
Hey there!
Yes…it sounds like there is more healing to do around this whole situation. What do you feel is not resolved? The betrayal? What story are you telling yourself about the betrayal? What story is feeding your desire for revenge?
Heidi
Wow! That is a really beautiful article. So true! Thank you for sharing it with me!
I have clients who just flew to Ireland last week. I wonder if they on the plane okay. I’m sure if they have any stories, I will hear about it when they get back in a month. It sounds like although you are not in alignment with all the rhetoric/politics going on, you are finding a way to be okay with what is being required. I think this is the most important part. Do what you need to do, in order to find your peace. You sound much more “resolved” about it compared to a month ago, so you are figuring it out. Well done!
It’s time for you to start seeing more of the world! You are going to absolutely love it! Travel will imprint upon you and change you in ways that only travel can. You will love it!
I love how different people are really appreciating you and valuing you there! As crappy as it is to work there, it seems people are pretty good at giving you compliments.
I hope you get more sunshine! It’s sooooo important, right?
Heidi
I feel like the hardships that i overcame aren’t as significant or as big the ones that Stacie overcame. Gosh…I know how you feel. It’s actually a common thing most people feel when they start to put their stuff out there. It’s called “Imposter Syndrome.” People think “who am I to put any of my knowledge out there? I’m not all that special. So many people out there know it better than me or have better experiences or there is so much information on this topic, who am I to offer a program when people can get it elsewhere etc.” Thoughts along this line are quite normal. It stops a lot of people from putting their work out there. So now that you recognize this story you have about yourself, now what? Are you going to hold onto that story or create a new one?
This is one of the reasons i find it extremely difficult to learn from women, in general. I can learn things like cooking and crafting, medicine, fitness, etc, – things that aren’t emotionally charged. But the closer, and more personal it gets, the less i’m able to receive from a woman. So – the spiritual realm of things, is the closest thing to my heart. No woman can enter there. Ever. I don’t even care if she’s a saint and has direct access to God. I can’t have anyone getting between me and God. It’s interesting that some of the thoughts you have are around feeling threatened by a woman. The truth is, no one can get between you and God ever. If that ever happens, it’s only because YOU give your power away, not because of any other person. So really, there is no threat, right? But somehow a woman makes you feel this way…tell me more about this, if you are willing. I know you have struggled with women since the beginning and we have gone through many circles talking about women. Are you willing to go another round?
This isn’t to say we don’t learn from each other, or from sermons and books and bible studies etc. But — all of those things are optional! A Mass is complete even if the preaching is completely taken out of it. This gives us the freedom to learn at our own pace, in our own way. This makes total sense. I understand what this means for you and how you view it. You did a good job explaining it all!But what if you don’t need to learn from suffering? i know that pain and suffering has been a far more effective teacher than pleasure, because pain gets your attention in a way that pleasure doesn’t. BUT – does that mean it’s not possible to learn through unpolluted sources? Through good things? Through pleasure? Funny enough, pleasure is more difficult to learn from than pain. Isn’t that crazy??? I think about that sometimes. We humans are so backward sometimes. We learn from both, always. Pain and pleasure will always exist, many times in the same moment and sometimes the pain is pleasure and pleasure is painful. Either way…you get to choose. If you want less pain, then it’s about making different decisions and designing a life that brings more pleasure and you will learn from that space. Pain will always show up again and you will get to learn again. It’s all just the cycle of life.
But after looking at everything, i have to choose which path i am going to take, and when i make that decision, i draw boundaries – by rejecting some things, and accepting other things. Since i have chosen the path of the Catholic, i will receive all things, but i will filter them through a Catholic lens, and if something isn’t in line with what is good for me, i will reject it. And if something IS good for me, i will accept it, even if it hurts. This is ultimately what we ALL need to come to. We all resonate with different paths, boxes, beliefs, ways of living, morality etc. The real journey is about knowing yourself and the kind of person you want to be. It doesn’t mean you are more right or wrong or better or anything more than another person, it just means you align with what makes you the very best person. You are doing such an incredible job on this journey unraveling all that you are. You are doing more than most! Well done!
BUT, what if, the Little Things ARE the Grander Scheme of Things?! The only time i’ve heard Little Things presented in the positive way is when in the phrase: “attention to detail”. Everyone always appreciates that. In a way, they are still mysterious to me, because, i can’t answer the question – what exactly IS the significance of my hair?! lol 🙂 I think a little mystery is good! I have no doubt you will discover the significance of your hair at some point. Imagine shaving it all off and you will find out what it means…LOL
An example of something i have rejected would be the Ho’oponopono prayer It doesn’t sound like you reject this prayer. It just sounds like you also found the essence of this prayer in your religion and belief structure, which makes the Ho’oponono prayer “real” so to speak. Am I missing something? I don’t quite understand how you reject it and why.
1. i don’t have ANY issues charging or getting paid from my massage therapy training, and my nursing, or another professional training/education. I wouldn’t have trouble charging for a craft class either. Something is different about personal growth stuff. Well, in the beginning you were comparing yourself to Stacie and didn’t feel good enough. Is that maybe the core program you have about it? You aren’t good enough somehow? I’m sure there are a lot of layers to it though. Producing content to help others and ask for money is a REALLY big deal. I haven’t known a single person that doesn’t have to work through some layers. Men are actually much better at it because they just do it where women tend to think much more about it.
2. i matched the feeling that rises up in me, at the thought of learning spiritual things from another woman. (slightly present with men too, but lesser than with women). It feels the same as being told that my way of communicating with God isn’t good enough, and that someone else’s is better than mine and i should learn from them. So, it triggers my defensiveness. I do not compete. If God (or anyone else) can’t accept me as i am, with my way of communicating, then i’m not talking to him. I will not compete for attention. I’d rather be rejected than get someone’s attention by using someone else’s ideas. This is so great that you are identifying where you are stuck with women! It sounds like there is an inherent competitiveness you may have been wounded by somehow. The idea that you “will not compete” is the rabbit hole you can go down if you want. A woman or man’s ideas about how to communicate with God is just that…just ideas where they are speaking from experience and passing on their knowledge, right? So where is the story coming from that “someone else’s is better than mine and i should learn from them.” This is a low self-esteem story running in your system and is what is activating all your defensiveness. This is the place where healing can occur, right?
Heidi
