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Hi Helena,
Welcome! I’m sorry to hear you guys have broken up. I know how hard it is to have to watch someone you deeply care about, slip from your fingers and have no control over it. I imagine it’s also frustrating for you being that he is freaking out about something that isn’t necessary right now.
First, it’s important to understand how men operate differently than women (generally speaking – of course). Men are VERY defined by their ability to produce in this world. It is what sourced the core of their self-esteem. For women, we are defined by our connections/relationships. We are the relationship caretakers of the world. For men, their ability to produce and provide is crucial and defining of their “manhood.” So when a guy doesn’t feel secure in his job/career or feel happy with how he “produces” in his life, he usually is TERRIBLE at relationship. I’ve been through it a ton of times and watched it happen to other women sooo many times. If a guy’s work/job is not in order to the level that he can relax and enjoy his life, he just isn’t very available for a relationship. They shut down, they sabotage, they stop communicating, they get super grumpy etc. So your guy is really struggling and you happen to be a good target.
He is also heading into the age of looking at being a provider for a wife and family. He is obviously thinking about that considering what he said to you, so his job and being a provider for a wife and family are very present for him and creating a ton of stress. Does all of this make sense?
Are you guys still talking at all? How long have you been broken up? How deep would you say your relationship was? Did you like your relationship? Do you feel that he was happy with you for the most part, or did you guys argue a lot?
The 12 word text is just more about asking him for his help. It’s about activating his hero instinct. I suggest waiting a bit before using that technique. Help me understand your current situation a little more and then we can go from there.
Heidi
So good to hear from you and get an update. Interesting stuff!!!
You might want to consider purchasing a laser. They are definitely on the expensive side, but it’s one of those healing tools that you will be able to use for the rest of your life. You can go as simple as a class 2 pulsing laser (joovv.com) or something more like a class 3 that is stronger. I’m not sure what companies you have over there that sell personal lasers. Either way, they are spectacular for helping to heal muscle pulls, tendons, arthritis, nerve pain, inflammation, skin lacerations etc. Lasers are amazing and will for sure help your tendonitis heal a lot faster.
I love that you have been dating and that you are learning how to express more of your needs and just going with it and not questioning yourself. Well done! You are being more of your authentic self!
I bet your pup is VERY happy that you are still home a lot! How often do you have to go into work? I’m so glad the borders are open now so you can visit your family. It’s soooo so important these days to stay connected the best we can.
I am sooooo laughing about your current dating adventure! First, I’m curious why your friend was so stressed about her wedding. I always feel so sad for those people that stress so much. It’s supposed to represent a day of joy and pleasure and fun and celebration. I think people can get so caught up in all the details that they lose touch with why they are there in the first place. Do you think she had fun at all?
I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are feeling like a princess with him!!! YES! You ARE a queen and deserve to be treated as such. It sounds like you are really having some fun with him. Do you like him, like him or is he just fun for you right now? I’m not sure if you know him well enough to know if you actually like him for real. Is there any other reason your friend would want him to stay away from you? I would say that you would be some amazing “medicine” as a cure for burnout. Whenever there is burnout, having fun is the best thing you can do!
Heidi
Hi Crystal,
Welcome! Wow! You have a really tough situation. It’s awful to discover your partner is cheating and it’s really really difficult to try and save a relationship when your person doesn’t really want to get help.
I just have a few questions. What do you mean he was “locked down” for 16 years? So you feel he is commitment phobic because he is afraid of getting hurt again? What do you mean the lack of passion came from being locked at home with each other for a year? Passion can be explored and cultivated whether locked at home or not, so my guess is, the lack of passion comes from another reason. Thoughts on this?
He may love you deeply, but that’s just not enough to keep any relationship together and working in a healthy way. It’s not your job to help him feel safe. You ARE going to hurt him. It’s important for you to understand that his feeling “safe” comes from within HIM and it is not something you do for another person. Reality is, love is a risk and life is unpredictable. There is no way around that. So it’s HIS job to learn how to feel safe in life, in relationship, in love etc. When there is an internal safety, it allows someone to risk. When there is NOT an internal safety, that person is extremely fragile and will always do things to sabotage connection. I don’t know a person alive who hasn’t been hurt by love, so it’s just part of the experience. If he isn’t strong enough emotionally to work through that and risk again, then his patterns of cheating will not change, no matter what you say to him. Those other girls are his “safety net” in some way. He doesn’t intrinsically believe he is valuable and again…that intrinsic self-esteem can only come from him, not you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Andrea! Welcome. Thank you for sharing your challenges with us. I understand how you want to fix everything and how your realizations about being a better partner for him may really help shift the situation. Let’s take a deeper look into things and then go from there. It sounds like you both have been going through a lot and neither of you really have the skillset to handle everything in a healthy enough way to keep the relationship rolling.
he got upset, saying that I shouldn’t have to ask, that he shouldn’t have to list out things for me. I should just know. He feels it’s a part of my personality, that I can’t inherently make him happy without changing myself. This is a HUGE HUGE HUGE red flag. You are NOT a mind reader, so for him to expect you to know is just fantasy. OF COURSE you are supposed to ask!!! That’s a spectacular question to ask him. He is supposed to teach you how to be the best kind of support for him, if what you are doing isn’t working. We are all teachers to each other NOT mind readers!! He is expecting something impossible.
But I don’t know what to say or do to convince him. I fear that he’s already made his decision and won’t even listen to me if I tried. How do I start that conversation? What do I say to get him to try and want to work on things? First, you don’t want to CONVINCE anyone. If he doesn’t want to grow, then he gets to make that choice. To spend your energy “convincing” him to work on things is like trying to convince him that you are worth fighting for. Really? You want to convince a guy that you are worth fighting for? That’s your low self-esteem in the driver’s seat and that’s when a guy doesn’t have respect for his woman. You want to get grounded in your power, your center, your self-worth and work from that space…NO CONVINCING! That is a desperate kind of energy that pushes a man way. He has made his decision FOR NOW, so keep giving him space. He sounds REALLY overwhelmed and it sounds like his feelings are shut off, so space is the very best thing for him right now. Give it some time. Right now, it’s REALLY important for you to continue working on yourself. You are working really hard by making some different decisions to take better care of yourself and that needs to continue. Are you working with a therapist at all about your depression? Do you know where it’s coming from and what’s triggering it? Remember, just like the airlines say…put your mask on first BEFORE putting it on someone else that needs help. You CANNOT try and save a relationship when you still need to keep saving yourself FIRST. There is no way he is going to step back into the same design, so for right now, keep working on yourself and facing your depression, keep giving him some space and really look at how you can become a better partner down the road. It’s not enough to see where you can improve, but go deeper and look at “why” you showed up the way you did. How come you weren’t as supportive of him? How come you weren’t appreciating him to the level he needed? This will help you understand your patterns and why you are the kind of partner you are with him. When you understand these things, it will be easier to shift them in the future.
Are you okay giving him a few weeks of no contact?
Heidi
Hi Nandita,
Thank you for sharing more details. It’s helpful.
I first want to really slow you down. You guys have never even met each other and you are mentioning marriage to him. This is one of the fastest ways to scare a guy away. He obviously is not ready and is not inspired right now. His mom pestering him about it is also a problem. It’s going to cause him to shut down and reject the idea. Her putting pressure on him like that about one of the most important decisions he makes of his life, is not the smartest thing. Also, you are using the “nag” to describe what you are doing about him not being available to talk as often or easily as you want. How are you “nagging?” What are you saying? How are you saying it?
Honestly, it doesn’t sound like he is that interested…at least not anymore. Long distance relationships are insanely difficult as is, but to try and start to build a relationship from scratch, without ever meeting…that just exponentially increases the difficulty.
He is just not that available. Do you REALLY want to spend your time chasing after a guy just to talk to you? He isn’t very available, either because of how he designs his life, he isn’t emotionally available or he just isn’t interested. Any of those reasons is enough for you to walk away. If you were not putting any effort into the relationship, you would probably discover that you guys would talk even less and who knows if and when you would ever meet him in person. That’s important for you to really understand. You CANNOT be the only source to keep this relationship going and expect it to last. He needs to put in effort as well.
Don’t you want a guy who chases you and fights for you? Don’t you want a guy who is available to connect with you EVERY DAY? Don’t you want a guy who is excited to see you and you KNOW that you light up his world? That is what is available for you and what you need to be fighting for instead of fighting for a guy who has had 1 foot out the door since the very beginning. You have needs and it just seems they are not being met. Again, it just appears like you are catering to HIM all of the time. The moment you head into “nagging” energy, just to get him to talk to you…that has to feel awful for you. Do you really want to fight for a guy that you have to nag in order to get him to be available for a conversation???
Heidi
Hi Cynthia,
This is such a tricky situation. I want to encourage you tor really consider what Spyce said and what most counselors will say. YOU need to exist in this situation as well. If all you are doing is thinking about him, his needs, his wants and mostly playing a guessing game because he is CHOOSING to shut down and push you away and not communicate, then you are being pulled into his depression. It’s so important that you maintain yourself and stay connected to yourself through this situation. That means communicating what you need and want as well. It’s tough when you are fighting against a wall that he put up, but remember if he CHOOSES to isolate himself and go through this alone…then he gets to do that. It’s not your job nor your place to convince him otherwise. You can only do so much. It’s natural to give someone dealing with end of life stuff a “pass” with how they treat us because they are literally facing one of the scariest things ever. Just make sure you stay balanced and do not allow yourself to fall into the very easy trap of letting his illness consume you and you putting all of your needs aside.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Nandita,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing your story with us. Now let’s see if we can figure something out.
I know how difficult it is to feel so powerless in a situation. He is not responding and it doesn’t sound you did anything to cause his disconnect. Is there anything you think you said to him that would cause him to step back? He said he wasn’t sure if he was marriage material. Did you happen to mention something about that with him?
I also want to really caution you. I know you have been talking for a while, but you have never met the guy. When you do talk, do you ever video talk or is it all over the phone? There really is soooooo much you don’t know about him. What are your ages?
I am quite suspicious of him. To start out saying he wanted a stable relationship to now saying he is so confused. I’m wondering if he is playing some kind of game or not being fully honest about something. To be totally honest, he is not that invested if he is only talking to you every 2-3 weeks. A guy will absolutely reach out and connect and initiate much more frequently than that when he really likes a girl, so there is something a little “off” about this situation.
I am also wondering about YOUR needs. It seems like this entire time, it’s you waiting around for him. It’s him designing this relationship, so you are constantly catering to what HE needs. What about you? It just doesn’t seem like this guy is emotionally available and you keep waiting and waiting and waiting. Is there a point that you are going to stop waiting? I imagine this doesn’t feel very good for you. I imagine you want to be with a guy who wants to connect with you all of the time and who isn’t confused about how he feels about you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Emilie! OMG! I was just thinking about you the other day, wondering how you were doing. It’s been such a long time!
Would love more details!
Where do you have tendonitis? Are you still doing pole class? What happened with that guy back from February? Did you eventually decide to get the vaccine? How is your dog? What do you mean by opening up yourself a bit more and being more conscious about your feelings? With who? And how? Is it working for you?
So good to hear from you! I know I just bombarded you with questions, so don’t feel you have to answer all of them. LOL
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more!
I definitely would say that your parents contributed to your insecurities. It is INCREDIBLY difficult to be an only child and to have been left alone a lot. That IS impactful, so you having a need to “demand” more attention/connection, you not wanting to be alone, you having the kind of insecurities you do, can come from that. It’s not to say your parents were bad. They did the best they could AND they had limitations that really have affected you. First and foremost, whenever you want to heal, it’s important to understand the birth place – the origin – of where your mental/emotional challenges come from. It helps you understand yourself better and make better sense of your world. Second, it’s important to understand you will ALWAYS have insecurities, for the rest of your life. It’s just part of human nature and that’s okay. The goal is to have less of them AND to have a skillset and accountability to handle your insecurities in a healthy way when they do show up. It’s all about resilience here. When I was younger, my triggers would last a loooong time. Like a couple of weeks. I have done so much healing work that now I am able to work through a trigger very quickly…sometimes within an hour. The bigger triggers, I have to work with my coach AND I hardly get triggered anymore. My life is soooooo much more peaceful now and it’s only going to get better! It’s worth it to go through all the tears, the hurt, the challenges that I had to face, to get to feel the way I do on a daily basis.
Here is a great resource. Maybe whenever he gets back, you guys can have a conversation about how you are arguing in a more respectful way: https://www.gottman.com/blog/category/conflict-management/
Heidi
Wonderful! I’m happy to hear you are willing to do some work on yourself! Many times, when women start to change and work on themselves, men will follow. Maybe he will do that with you.
What would it mean about you if you were alone? What do you think it means about you if he and his friends don’t love you? What was your childhood like? I imagine that your parents may have been limited in some sort of way, yes?
Here are some places to explore. See if any of these resonate for you. If not, let us know as there are A LOT more suggestions we have!
https://www.netflix.com/title/81010166
https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-non-linear-movement-method-2/Heidi
Hi Stephanie!
Thank you for sharing your story with us! I understand the complication and I understand your strong desire to fix things. This is a pretty big deal, so let’s see if we can break this down and help you learn a better way to approach this.
Literally, the best relationship I have had in years and there have been ZERO red flags. Well here is your first red flag then. I guarantee he has many more! The red flag is that he is holding onto some anger, hurt and resentment. He isn’t forgiving his brother and this is a REALLY BIG red flag. If he is choosing not to forgive his brother, then that means he will not choose to forgive you or anyone else. I know he may not know the “how” but when people make that claim, my response is “What books have you read? What videos on youtube have you watched about forgiving? What programs have you researched?” Most people have no answers because they “say” they want to forgive and don’t know how, yet they take no action…which means they REALLY would rather hold onto their “story” about whatever happened. When someone TRULY wants to be free from hurt or whatever baggage they are carrying, they will take ACTION and that is something he hasn’t done yet. So this means you are choosing a guy who is choosing to be a victim to his brother’s actions. He isn’t forgiving, he is holding the hurt very close to his heart and his anger/resentment is big enough that now it’s interrupting his relationship with you. BIG RED FLAG!!!!
As I am getting older, my dating options are getting slimmer and slimmer. Especially in the town that I live in, the men to select from are horrible. Such a bleak outlook. Your age is so irrelevant. I understand your dating pool might really suck. What this statement sounds like to me is a fear that you carry about finding someone. So now that you found this guy, you really hope it works because you don’t have any other options. I’m not saying this is ALL of how you feel. I’m just saying this is part of what you feel. It sounds like you have a fear about not finding a good man that you resonate with if things don’t work out between you and this guy.
so of course I’m going to have weak moments and react not “correctly”. Explain this a little more. How have you reacted “incorrectly?”
but I just wish there was a way I could “word” or “phrase” something to make a light click in his head and make him be like “this girl deserves for me to try”. There is no such thing to create a guarantee of anything. I get REALLY tough with people here. Don’t you want him to DO the REAL work to resolve this instead of fixing it for him? He needs to man up, grow up and figure out a way to stop letting his past affect his present. He is actually willing to lose you over this…at least for right now. I understand you want him to fight for you. That’s every girls’ dream! It’s crazy hard to watch someone so easily let go because of some story they are carrying about their past. Now is the time to have a reality check about the kind of man he is when he is under stress. I tell people that you choose someone based on who they are in their worst moments, not their best moments. Who he is in his worst, how he treats you, how he treats himself, how he treats others, how he creates resolution….all these things will make or break a relationship. I don’t care how strong your relationship is when things are good, if they are also not strong when they are not so good, it breaks trust, safety and respect…things that a relationship will NOT survive without. So right now, he is showing who he is under stress and how he handles things. He is showing you he has the ability to disconnect from you. Again, he uses the excuse that he “doesn’t know how” even though there are a MILLION books, techniques, videos, workshops etc. that are available anytime for him. He is willing to break connection because of hurt…I know he is wonderful as well. You are just seeing the other side of him now for the first time. To be honest, a guy who chooses to ruin his happiness like this is a guy who will let fear and hurt run his life. This is the first time you are seeing this about him, but I guarantee it won’t be the last unless he chooses to find a healthier way to handle things in his life.
Now that I have said all of that, let me know your thoughts.
Lastly, let’s see if there is a way to help inspire him into a place of healing. WHat have your conversations been like? How have you talked about this? How many times?
Heidi
But I guess there is not much I can do other than giving him time. Keep providing a space for him to talk about it as well. Why not ask him where he is at about his parents? Some of his current thoughts and feelings.
I think you are spot on in that he just can’t handle losing you on top of Anna and his parents. He definitely needs more time. And yes, you are correct. Fear is paralyzing if it’s big enough and that means that people miss out on some really powerful, wonderful things in life. I hope this is not his choice. I have no doubt you will reach a point where waiting for him to “be ready” is just not in you anymore. You can only wait for so long. Right now things are really great and progressing, but he DOES have to face his fears, or he will lose you regardless. It’s ironic because he will actually make his fear come true by letting it run his life.
1. He shouldn’t have an “I don’t care” attitude. Turn this into a positive statement. Something like “positive/glass is half full” attitude.
2. He shouldn’t always just stay home and do nothing. So while I’m out doing things, he shouldn’t constantly miss me. Again, what’s the positive side of this? He is independent and has a life separate than me.
3. He shouldn’t be clingy. I want my own space and for him to have his own space (I wrote this, because once a guy was always just focused on me, even when we were out with HIS friends, he wouldn’t even let me really talk to them. And he talked even less to them, he basically ignored them. I really didn’t like that, I’m a very social person, and I think the guy I’m with should be like that too and not just talk to me). This feels similar to #2
4. He should have other interests than just partying and going out. What other kinds of interests?
5. He should take care of himself (with that I mean basic things, like brushing his teeth, putting sunscreen on, maybe working out and eating healthy. I don’t mean all the time, but just so you can see that he actually cares about himself and his health) Health is a VERY big topic. Get more specific. You mentioned hygiene but then “maybe” working out. How many times a week? How does he eat? How else does he take care of himself?
6. He should trust me and I should be able to trust him. This is a tricky one. Trust, fundamentally, needs to be about oneself vs. trusting another. Reality is, he is going to break your trust and you will breaks his. It’s just part of being human. More importantly, you want him (and yourself of course) to have a super strong trust in himself, first and foremost. When someone implicitly trusts themselves, it allows them to risk in life. For example, Tim isn’t trusting himself right now. His fear is so big about losing people that it’s causing him NOT to trust that he will be able to handle losing you, should it ever come to that. A lack of trust, means NOT risking, not very resilient and a small, limited life.
7. He should have goals for the future (Actually I think here I don’t mean specific goals, but that he has at least some kind of plan of what’s ahead of him in life and that he actually thinks and cares about the future.) Again, be more specific. It’s important to be like-minded in this area. Would it be okay for you to have a guy whose future goal is to become a manager at McDonalds or the manager of a grocery store? You REALLY don’t care?Let’s just keep working with these statements. There is A LOT more to take you through. It’s going to take a bit, because I usually teach this class over zoom, so typing it all out will take a while, so stay with me!
Heidi
recognized a part of me that has absolutely no problem commanding a ‘legion of soldiers’. OMG! I can totally see you being an incredible leader. You have such internal strength, you have been in the trenches, there is nothing you would ask from anyone that you have done yourself and you would expect quality work, as that is what you produce, so you would expect the same from them.
She’s not going to get herself dirty anymore, she’s already done that in her young days. lol 😀 I think i might have her genes. lol 🙂 Your description of your aunt made me laugh! This is awesome!
1. their attitude towards men – they have no respect for men. They talk of men as if they are one more child to take care of. and they assume that ALL men are immature and childish. and they act as if relationships with men are a burdensome necessity – kind of like a job. I have heard many women talk this way. I usually ask them, “if you are so unhappy, what’s stopping you from creating a different design? I can’t stand “victim” talk. I hear it from men as well. Believe me, most men I meet ALSO have a lot of negative core thoughts about women.
2. They have a martyr complex – they feel like they’re the ones who are holding the household together and if they don’t do it, nobody will. But they’re good little martyrs, sacrificing their own needs to be a slave to their children and their husband. Yes…this is a common one for sure! Women are the relationship caretakers, but mostly what’s missing is the women not feeling appreciated enough for what they do and it’s easy for women to get into the “over-giving” aspect in efforts to keep everything together.
3. They jump to conclusions based on their own experiences and do not have the ability to listen long enough to understand that your experiences are different from theirs and you do not have the same issues as they do. So, they assume that you are also being a mother to your husband and that you are also a martyr, etc. I hear this a lot from men too actually. Men, in general, need a lot of help learning how to truly listen. It’s more natural for most women, but I would say it’s more of a HUMAN aspect where people assume others’ experiences are similar.
4. I truly hate how women behave like men are somehow pathetic because they like sex. and they talk as if sex is such a big chore, and they just want the men to ‘grow up’ and stop already. Yes. I understand this one a lot. Sexuality in our culture is VERY immature in general. Human sexuality has A LOT of layers to it. Many men have no clue to how to prime a woman and many women have no clue how important sex is to men. It takes conscious effort, education, communication, self-discovery, emotional intelligence and so much more in order to have a healthy sex life first with yourself and then with a partner.
5. They have no reverence for trust. I think trust is sacred. When someone trusts you enough to tell you, and show you who they truly are, that has to be treated with care and respect and never shared carelessly or taken lightly. So, talking about how a man behaves at home, or what their sex life is like, what his weaknesses are, etc — this is just plain ugly. I agree. Trust is one of the most sacred things someone can offer another!Now….to be fair, create a list of 5 general patterns in men that are also limiting and are the “shadow” side of men.
I think it’s a privilege and an honor to built a relationship with a man and it’s an utmost compliment when a man fully trusts you. Men are not immature and they are not another child to take care of. They are totally full grown adults, and perfect partners for adventures and exploring life. Men have a deep and intrinsic wisdom, just like women do, and it complements the wisdom of women. Men are also very capable of building solid friendships and they are very loyal and respectful, and it bothers me when are considered to be ‘shallow’. I agree! It is an utmost compliment for a man to offer his trust. I would say that is true for any person of any gender. However, I would not agree with the general statement that men are not immature. Plenty of men are very immature and do not behave like grown adults. I would say that majority of the population, both men and women, are very young. I can’t remember what organization determined this, but I remember hearing a statistic from some national psychology association that 93% of people in the U.S. live at an emotional state of a 13 year old. I laughed at that! I can totally see that! It’s rare to come across someone who has higher emotional intelligence, who takes responsibility for their lives, isn’t doped up on medications and they are actively growing/learning about themselves. So in general, my opinion is both men and women still have a lot of evolving to do.
I think i’m going to find out where she is, and invite her out for some tea! i have good memories of her energy. She’s a good woman. I’m glad our conversations brought her back to my mind. 🙂 I totally get it! All the examples you described were completely valid! I can’t believe she actually called your ex! That completely goes against client confidentiality, especially without your permission. She could have lost her license for something like that if you had decided to report her. Every example you offered, she was crossing a very clear professional boundary, so it makes sense that you ran.
Heidi
How does self-love look like to you? I think i have plenty of self-love. My bad. Yes! You DO have a lot of self-love. Even since you started on this forum, you have grown tremendously in this area. You also have low self-esteem and it’s strong enough in certain categories that it stops you from your greatness. For example, it’s low self-esteem when you say “who am I to create a class and sell it?” We all have areas in our lives where low self-esteem is a bit stronger, so that’s what I am referring to. I didn’t mean to make it a whole blanket statement about how you feel about yourself.
I don’t make heads turn, and no one will fall for the pictures on my profile. I’m the kind of person that one needs to get to know over time, and only then will i be attractive to that person. Sorry. I’m going to disagree in the sense that this is NOT a fact. This is just perspective. I remember dating a pretty unattractive guy in college, but for some reason, he caught my attention from the moment I met him. I was able to see the WHOLE of him and see how beautiful he actually was. It’s very possible for someone to see you or your profile pics and be instantly attracted to you. It’s all about perspective.
To me, trusting in myself sounds the same as trying to heal myself when i have cancer. It’s stupid. I know that when i rely on God to provide for me, i can face ANYTHING and Do anything that needs to be done. I”m not saying to rely ONLY on yourself, I’m saying that your relationship and trust in yourself is JUST AS IMPORTANT as your relationship with God. Wouldn’t you imagine that God wants you to feel about yourself the same way that he feels about you? In ANY relationship, whether spiritual or human, there are always 3 parts. There is you and your relationship with yourself, there is the other person or being and their relationship with themselves and there is the relationship together. Each aspect (separately) affects the whole.
Yes, there’s definitely a wall between me and women. I think it’s like an amputated limb that has healed. I feel no need to grow it back, because i’ve learned how to function without it. Am i full of fear? to be honest, i don’t know. it isn’t a fear of being hurt – it’s something entirely different. It’s an icky feeling that increases when a woman gets too close. It feels sticky and uncomfortable, and gross. I get it. I understand your viewpoint that why would you need to face it if you have learned to live without it. You get to believe that way. It’s kind of like not knowing your missing something you’ve never had. I will tell you though, you will always be limited in your healing and growth as long as you don’t face this energy about women. This gross and icky feeling affects you more than you think. Rejecting women is rejecting yourself as you are a woman. Rejecting women is also rejecting God’s creation. I know you may not be connected to fear, but fear is at the core. That icky/gross feeling is a feeling about safety, deep inside. You’ve never really explored this aspect, so maybe one day when you do, you will discover what’s really in there. At this point, it doesn’t sound like it interests you and that’s okay! I have a feeling that someday, you will be ready to explore this aspect about yourself. You are already doing some really good work.
i just don’t feel the need to connect to another woman, and i don’t feel the need for the women in my life to know a little more about me – not in that area anyway! it’s too precious of a space for me, and i feel like their presence will spoil it in some way. I understand. You are not inspired to share and be vulnerable. AND…not all women are the same. You are here, sharing all of this stuff with me and I somehow have the kind of reaction that feels okay for you. I’d like to invite you to consider each woman you come across as a different person…not male or female or any specific color…but just a person. Just as when dating a guy, you want to get to know them first BEFORE really making any sweeping generalizations about him just because he is a man. Just a thought.
it going to her because she made me feel uncomfortable when i got stronger – she said something that was such a totally ICK feeling — something like — “The reason you have such a reaction to motherhood and mothering, is because you haven’t experienced a healthy mothering.” For whatever reason, i felt like she was suggesting that i should experience positive mothering and i freaked out and i cut ties with her soon after. Tell me more about this! I don’t really understand. How you interpreted what she said is one perspective. I’m also curious how this triggered you and in what way. I understand it was an “ick” feeling. What would make you cut off instead of working through that and gaining a deeper understanding about your trigger. You seem very interested in facing things about yourself. At least that’s what I know about you here. Maybe back then, you weren’t quite ready for that level of depth. Just curious.
