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Well it sounds like communication can be really difficult with him right now, because of his phone situation. I imagine it’s just easiest for you guys to see each other in person. Is that possible? Is there something happening nearby where he lives, that you can attend and maybe you guys meet up at a nearby coffee house?
Heidi
If talking to Joe pushes him away, then that’s a pretty clear sign that Joe is NOT ready for what you want. There is only so much you can do Celia. Joe is who he is and he carries a lot of fear and low self-esteem, so that means that he may not be ready for what you want and there is nothing you can do about that except wait until someday he feels ready (which may never happen) or you decide you want to move on and be with a man who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to know you and be with you. You get to choose.
I understand you sometimes have a hard time with words. That’s okay! It’s part of who you are too. We ALL have struggles in different areas of our lives and it’s important that we find someone that ACCEPTS and LOVES us for exactly who we are. Just keep doing the best you can, keep learning and growing. That’s enough. That’s all any of us can do.
For Joe, when you do talk to him, offer SMALL compliments. Like…”I was thinking about you the other day. I was thinking about your smile. You really have a great smile!” Or…I saw a guy the other day that looked soooooo much like you! It made me want to run up and give you a hug! I always loved being in your arms.” Simple compliments like that can help him feel good when he talks with you. Don’t overdue it though. Just do 1 compliment ONLY. More than that can be overwhelming for a guy like him and scare him away. Keep being patient and most of all TRUST that however things turn out for you guys, whether together or apart…it’s all going to be okay. Dating and love is about the journey and the moments you get to learn about yourself. There are many many things to learn when dating someone. So whether it works out or not, it’s never a waste of time. There are always many things to learn.
Heidi
Well, as long as you have a connection with another man, it will pollute your connection with Joe. So I suggest you deal with that sooner than later.
As far as Joe, you are already planning your future together and you aren’t even in a relationship. SLOW DOWN your thinking. Let things develop naturally. He has A LOT of low self-esteem which means he is easily scared. So continue to be responsive and let him take the lead. I’m a little unclear as to how often you guys are talking. He sent you that email, but have you guys actually talked in person yet?
Heidi
Have you ever used the app insight timer? It’s free and has hundreds of short guided meditations, sound baths, live events etc. It’s a phenomenal resource. I know they have meditations and guidance for dealing with a breakup. Maybe check it out and add it to your toolbox.
Here are a few quotes that may help you through today:
Life will present you with the people and circumstance to reveal where you are not free.
It’s not for the outside world to try and compensate for the part of you that feels is insufficient. Let your love be greater than your fear.
Our pain is the breaking of the shell that surrounds our understanding…the suffering from the past is finite but the gifts of the path are infinite.
Resistance is the cause of all suffering.
Today Cindi, is a new day. Tell your broken heart that it’s okay to heal now. There is new life, new opportunity, and new adventures to look forward to. It’s okay to heal.
Heidi
Oh well done! I love that you were able to get a refund! That must have felt good!
Where do you feel like you are getting stuck? What are the specific looping thoughts that are keeping you in pain?
What exactly feels like it’s getting harder? To stay away? To manage your impulse to reach out?
Heidi
Hi Manuela,
I’m so sorry for everything you are going through. It’s a horrible feeling to be partnered with someone who isn’t willing to fight for you and invest in you.
I do have a question though…from what you are telling me, he is only interested in staying connected with you through sex. He doesn’t want to talk, he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, he doesn’t want to be in your life EXCEPT when he wants to have sex. Are you okay with this?
I will tell you right now, that if you give him what he wants, he will NEVER respect you. Respect is VERY important in any relationship. If you let him completely reject you and use you, how is he ever supposed to become obsessed with you? You are giving him exactly what he wants while not requiring anything from him. Meaning, he doesn’t have to work for anything – and men love to work for things. As long as you give him sex whenever he wants, then he will keep viewing you as someone he can use, someone who is desperate, and someone who has no standards and boundaries.
Is it really that scary for you to just let him go? What about healing and then down the road, open your heart to someone else who truly values you. Is that a possibility?
Heidi
Okay great! If you want to write out your message here, I’m happy to take a look at it and offer feedback.
Is there a way for you to get your money back? Makes sense…making lists and goals is NOT a healing approach. It’s keeping you in your head and NOT dealing with the heart. If she offers a refund for the unused sessions, take back your money. It’s small choices like this, that support your self-love. You STOP doing things that you don’t feel in alignment for you. Why would you spend your time and money working with someone who isn’t really helping you. You are more valuable than that. If she doesn’t offer refunds, maybe you can save those sessions for future use when you are ready to take that kind of approach. Or maybe you can gift those sessions to one of your kids.
Heidi
It’s always a risk to reach out and try start something back up that didn’t work before. All you can do is give it a try and see what happens. You could get completely rejected or a little door may open. Who knows. What you DO know is that you want to try again with him and you need to find out if he is willing.
The way you can start a conversation up again is saying something like, “Hey. It’s been a while since we talked. I was thinking about you yesterday because I saw (fill in the blank – something about cars). It reminded me of how much you love cars and it made me smile. I actually have a question that you might be able to help me with. Is it okay if I call you sometime this week? Hope you are doing well.”
Does this feel okay for you?
Heidi
I think that it’s a good plan to just keep talking with him. Stay away from asking him about the relationship. Just keep building your friendship with him. Let him take the lead. Let HIM be the one to bring up being back together again. If you guys keep talking on the phone, eventually he will want to see you…and then you guys can take it from there. Do not push this. Just be patient. Go slow. He still has strong feelings for you, so the goal is for him to come after you. You stay engaged with him and be responsive to him and that will help build his confidence that you are into him and it will inspire him to want to take things further. Does this make sense?
I do suggest that you get VERY clear about these other guys. If you want to pursue something with Joe, these guys need to be out of the picture, otherwise it can get really messy. You need to focus all of your attention in 1 direction, so let these guys know you are not interested and close the door on connecting with them.
Heidi
I truly celebrate you Cindi. Even though you have a broken heart right now, you are still moving forward and taking better care of yourself. This list is amazing! Every day you are doing something to help yourself. Each day you are making decisions that in support of being the kind of person you want to be. You are being more active, you are adding fun into your life, you are working towards saying goodbye to your cigarettes, you are eating more healthy, and you working with a therapist. Good job good job good job! I especially LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are not getting all wrapped up in what other people think you should be. You are being very accepting of the place you are in right now and honoring that AND you are being honest about that. You are loving yourself Cindi! This is just the beginning!!!
Tell me about the 2 therapists. Are you having a hard time deciding because you like both of them or do you feel you don’t have enough experience with either of them to make the decision?
Heidi
Hi Celia,
I’m not quite clear on what you are wanting help with. It sounds like you want to get back together with Joe and it sounds like he is still interested in that. What is stopping you from disconnecting from these other 2 guys and putting your attention back on Joe? It seems pretty clear to me, so I’m wondering where the confusion is.
Heidi
