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Well it sounds like you are feeling and seeing that you are so much more valued and appreciated at this job, compared to previous ones. I bet it helps you better deal with having to be in Sarnia.
It’s funny that you tend to look for younger men. Here in Boulder, there are sooooo many “older” men that live such an active lifestyle and age sure isn’t stopping them. It’s great to be in this community and see the majority of men and women age AND be super active and healthy. I get to see that it’s possible! It’s definitely a small bubble here in Boulder, because I’ve never seen that anywhere else.
How would you feel about not going online for a while and just taking a break, completely putting everything on pause for a period of time?
Heidi
Hey! I just wanted to check in and see how things are going. Any new developments? How are you feeling??
Heidi
Whoa! What an intense divorce! Goodness! To get pregnant and then abort without talking to him and then completely disconnect and ask for a break…wow! In a way, it’s really good that she went about it all in such a childish, selfish way. If it had been less intense or if she were more adult about the whole thing, he probably would have tried to fight to save the marriage. She so deeply broke trust and ruined the safety of the relationship in such a shocking way, it would cause 99% of people to want a divorce! Wow! She really did a number on him. I wonder if she has behaved like that before…where she just does what she wants, doesn’t communicate and doesn’t face problems. No wonder he was a workaholic. Working to that level is just someone who is also running away from the feelings they carry inside. I imagine some small part of him knew he wasn’t completely happy with her. Someday he may start to share more with you. My heart goes out to him for all he has been through. I’m glad he is getting help! I have never heard of Sophrology, so I looked it up. It seems to be a European thing to do. Interesting!
I’m glad he can be friends with his ex. Out of curiosity…does that bother you at all? It doesn’t sound like it, but I thought I’d ask. How come you can’t be friends with exes?
Heidi
i just ‘FELT’ like he’d stopped being my friend, or that i’d annoyed him in some way. He finally told me that the only thing about me that is annoying is that i kept asking if he was still my friend. lol 🙂 OMG! This is so funny! What a great story! Whatever happened to your friendship?
Her presence was so solid that i was surprised when i saw no deer. Wow! How magical! I just look up “deer.” A great book I always have around is called “Animal Speak.” Animals ALWAYS have messages for us. It is a form of communication. I’ve never forgotten 2 incredibly monumental moments. One was when I saw a grasshopper on my car. NOT NORMAL. I was in a parking lot at target and nowhere near a place where grasshoppers would be. I KNEW it was a message. The grasshopper means “big leaps forward.” One month later I was moving to Colorado. Another CRAZY moment was when a little bat walked up to where I was. It was mid-day and I was sitting on the shore of a lake. Holy smokes it freaked me out! I had never seen one before and I wasn’t sure what it was. It was walking! It wasn’t flying! I can’t even tell you what that moment was like. I immediately looked it up and it was all about “a necessary death to make room for rebirth.” About 2 months later, some medical challenges showed up and this past year dealing with all of it, has literally been (spiritually/emotionally speaking) about dying to old patterns, beliefs, thoughts and figuring out how to re-create….EXACTLY what that bat was there to tell me! Okay…I just had to share those 2 stories because I LOVE them! So the deer is about “gentle luring to a new adventure. Gentleness and innocence.” That’s of course the super abbreviated version. She is your angel and messenger and what a beautiful thing that you actually felt her that strongly. Explore that further!
1. “… what i perceive how i look to others…” — this is based on what people say about others, and what they have directly said about me. It isn’t made up. IF i look good to a man – i’ve never heard it. I don’t mean to imply that your perception of yourself is made up. I know it comes from personal experiences. I just mean to say that your personal experiences are reflective of how you feel about yourself.
2. BUT, if i’m fat, i’m still fat! I’m just a fun fat person and not a dead weight fat person. It doesn’t change my degree of attractiveness, as far as i can tell. It absolutely changes your degree of attractiveness! The thing is, you are so strongly in this mindset that you are NOT attractive (based on all your experiences) that you can’t even imagine that you would be attractive to a man…therefore, you would never see it.
I’d write down how i was feeling, as accurately as i could, in as much detail as i could, and i’d even exaggerate if i wanted to, and then, i’d ask myself: “SO WHAT?” — this is just the shortened form of the question. The question acknowledges that all my feelings and experiences and thoughts are 100% true — and asks — So what am i going to do about it? I LOVE this question. It’s not negative at all! I personally do not add anything after “so what?” I like to just leave it, because ultimately, I imagine in God’s eyes, it truly is a “so what?” so what that you carry extra weight? So what that you don’t really feel safe around women? So what that you purposefully stopped receiving money from your ex? It’s actually a very liberating way to look at things! None of these things make you any less or more valuable than the next person. You are stilll loveable, WITH all of these things!
These are all details that i never cared about before, and i don’t need to be pretty to pay attention to all these things. I’m not holding my breath on my ‘desirability’ changing in any way. i wasn’t desirable when i was younger so it doesn’t make sense to me that i’d be more desirable now. This is so great! I call it “adorning.” You are adorning yourself with beautiful things that make you feel good. This matters! Well done!
People will start to view you differently when you start to view yourself differently. Is this really true? SOOOOO true! I have experimented with this my entire life. Like you, I want evidence and boy have I received plenty of it! When I was younger, I would experiment with what I wore and how I felt and see how much attention I would receive or not receive. Over and over and over again, I would create mini social experiments while I was out and see how I could impact a situation just by shifting and changing my energy. I started to see how powerful I actually was. People don’t know it, because the average person is not very conscious or aware, but they are actually responding to a person through their subconscious. ALL their senses are reading another person and creating a general feeling/story about that other person and then the conscious part reacts to what the subconscious is creating. So when a person is attracted or not attracted to someone, there are BILLIONS of bits of information that are feeding that attraction. So I started experimenting with my energy and how it affected people. I still do this small experiment, just because it’s fun. If I’m walking down a busy street, I imagine putting a BIG ball of divine light around me and that it extends out from my body. Then I create the intention that I want to walk in a straight line down the sidewalk and that every single person is going to move aside for me. At first, it only worked sometimes, but now, I can make it happen every single time. Super long story short…LOL…how you feel about yourself impacts others more than you think. It lives on the subconscious level though. If your strongest belief is that you are ugly and unattractive, that lives in your energy field and people are ALWAYS interacting with your energy field and exchanging information. Our mind/thoughts are incredibly powerful! I even remember hearing about a study where people who changed their thoughts about their weight body, actually lost weight…just by thinking about it! Our bodies reflect the dominant thoughts we carry inside. I seriously could talk about this for hours, so I’ll stop here and let’s see what you resonate with.
Heidi
Hi J!
Welcome! What a great question! No judgment here. Studies have actually shown that differences in education level DO impact a relationship, so your concerns are valid.
Here are just some things to think about. First – depending on who you talk to – there are MANY different kinds of intelligence. My favorite school of thought claims 7 different types. So that means intelligence is relative. It’s important that as you get to know him, you find out where he is the strongest or the weakest when it comes to the kinds of intelligence that affect a relationship. I am VERY high in the introspective/introspective intelligence (now called emotional intelligence) yet I you could not pay me a million dollars to tell you where all the states are in the U.S. or who fought world war 1 or 2 or any war for that matter. My memory is terrible. I’m pretty horrible at math and grammar too. My spatial intelligence is very high as well. So…the areas that I lack, don’t really matter in a relationship, right?
I understand your concerns and they would be things to watch cautiously for anyone you are dating, regardless of whether they have a college degree or not.Also, do you know why he did not go to college? A degree really only tells you they can complete something, not necessarily whether someone is smart. Maybe he hated school, so he developed his life in other ways? Tony Robbins only has a high school degree yet is one of the biggest motivational speakers. You also want to understand HIS story about his education, what he thinks about it etc.
Do you have any of this information??
Heidi
Hi Nhu,
Wow! What an incredibly courageous woman you are! Truth is not always an easy thing to embrace and accept and align with. It’s many times the most difficult thing to accept, especially when it comes to love.
You are handling this in such a graceful way and in the best ways possible. You are asking for help, you are honoring the space he is in and you are taking care of yourself. Wow!!! You definitely are taking the road less traveled.
It really is a good thing for him to date other girls and see what’s out there. How can he possibly TRULY know the value of you, if he has no real idea of his other choices? He needs to go experience other women in order to truly and honestly appreciate what you guys had together. As painful as it is, it is one of the healthiest things he can do for himself and for you. You deserve to be utterly and deeply valued for what you bring to the table. You deserve to be appreciated on the deepest level, so in order for him to do that, he does need to grow up and part of that means experiencing other girls. He is going to get a super HUGE reality check! And it will be so good for him!
Here is a great video about breakups. It will help you understand some basics about what you are going through. The stories and examples are not exactly similar to your situation, but you may find it helpful anyway.
Heidi
Hi Diana!
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing your story. It’s so incredibly hard to feel a connection with a man and to not have him respond in the way you want. He obviously does feel something with you, but he is just not available.
I’m going to be quite blunt here. He has not deceived you. He has been very honest with you from the beginning, that he is not available for a relationship. The guy is a workaholic for a reason. People who “work” and are so darn busy that they don’t have time for a relationship – they are doing that on purpose. It’s just an excuse. The real reason is they don’t WANT a relationship. I’m not saying he is conscious of this. He has a lot of people he is taking care of and he has a lot of valid excuses, but remember…this is HIS CHOICE. He obviously cannot keep his word. He says one thing and does not follow through, yet you keep chasing him. This, in and of itself, is a HUGE RED FLAG!!! LISTEN to what he is telling you. HE DOES NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP. HE WILL HURT YOU. He is correct…you guys aren’t even dating yet and he has managed to hurt your feelings a few times. He has no follow through and nor does he want to. He is not going to change, because HE DOES NOT TO CHANGE. This is who he is. The relationship will be you chasing him all the time and him always canceling or not following through on what he says and work will always be the excuse. Workaholics have an addiction, just as serious as any other addiction. He is making himself sooooo busy so he doesn’t have to feel what lives inside of him. It’s how he copes.
Is this really what you want to deal with? A guy who doesn’t want a relationship, a guy who has little to no integrity in his word and a guy who is emotionally unavailable?
You are worth more than what this guy can offer Diana. You DESERVE to have a man treating you like a queen. You deserve to have a man who follows through on what he says and is constantly making plans with you because he wants to be with you. You deserve a guy who thinks the world of you and WANTS to be available for you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I am so sorry Nhu. This is heartbreaking! I know how badly it can hurt to watch your guy, the man you love and have been with for 4 years, completely turn into another person AND to treat you like you are someone so horrible by setting up walls and being cold…as if he has to protect himself from you. That’s an awful feeling!
However, that’s not the case at all, and I have no idea how to make sense of it. Our time together was precious, but it personally feels like he’s trying to erase any traces of me. He is not trying to “erase” you. He is just trying to NOT FEEL. There is a difference. Erasing you means forgetting you. Instead, he just doesn’t want to hurt and looking at the pictures will remind him of something he doesn’t want to be reminded of right now. It’s just a coping mechanism. The extent and strength of his walls and disconnect is reflective of how much he feels for you and loves you. The bigger the love and feelings, the bigger the walls and coldness need to be. I know that sounds “off” and can be confusing, but it’s just how people behave.
It seems like he’s suppressing his feelings/thoughts, and our friends say that he seems to be trying to convince himself that this was the right thing to do whenever he talks to them about it. Is there a way I can address this with him? Or is this one of those things where he has to come to the realization himself? No. This is not for you to address with him. This is something he has do within himself, by himself. He is so terribly confused right now and HE has to be the one to figure it out, so that whatever decisions he comes to, he is SOLID in those choices. If you come in and try to help him, he could easily create the story that YOU influenced him, therefore it’s not really HIS decision. This is definitely something he needs to work through himself and come to his own conclusions on.
It’s really disheartening to know that he’s carrying on and acting like nothing happened while I feel like I’m the only one hurting. I’ve heard that men tend to not realize their regret after a break up until months later. Is this true? You are definitely NOT the only one hurting! He is so uncomfortable and so terrified of his life and losing you right now and the way I know that is because of how BIG his walls are. For someone who feels resolved and peaceful with their choice, there are no walls because there is nothing to defend against…they feel aligned. For him, he is putting up some GIANT walls, talking a lot with his friends, taking pictures down and disconnecting from you in really strong ways. He is NOT in alignment with his choice. He is confused, he is hurting and he is NOT a happy camper right now.
Yes, let him go. By letting him go, you are taking care of yourself. As long as you leave the door open, you are staying open to a guy who isn’t facing his fears or his life in unhealthy ways. Closing the door and allowing yourself to heal from this loss and this breakup, doesn’t mean you can’t get back together down the road, it just means you are closing the chapter to this past season of your life. He isn’t choosing you right now, so YOU have to choose you. Choose to love yourself, choose to connect to yourself, choose to heal your heart, CHOOSE YOURSELF. He may be going through a hard time right now, but so are you! This is awful for you! Take your compassion for him and turn it towards yourself and take of yourself right now. He is doing some serious damage and handling this in a pretty childish way. You are seeing what kind of partner he is. You think that once he “finds himself” that all will be good? Nope. HOW he is handling this is part of who he is and he will show up this way AGAIN, when the stress if high enough. His coping mechanism is to disconnect, so when the stress is high enough, he will disconnect from you in some form or another, until he learns to face himself and handle his stress differently. I always tell people that you don’t choose your life partner or who to love according to the best parts of the relationship…you choose your partner according to the worst parts of who they are. Meaning…who a person is, in their worst, is what makes or breaks the relationship. It doesn’t matter how great you guys are together when things are good…it matters how great you are together in your worst moments. Just something to think about.
So again, it’s best to let him be and focus on yourself for right now. Put your energy into healing your heart. Close the door on this past chapter of your life so that you can be open to a new one. It could be with him or it could be with someone else. Who knows. Either way, to sit and wait around for your guy to figure out his life, means you are living YOUR life for HIM. He has A LOT of things to figure out and it might take a while or it might take a moment for things to click for him. Everyone is different. Men do tend to realize what they lost in a breakup months later, generally speaking. It just depends on the people involved. Regardless, he has made his decision RIGHT NOW and that is what you have to honor.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
Welcome to the forum! My heart hurts for you. To be married for so long and then to choose to get divorced, is a beyond difficult thing to do. It’s going to take a while to release him. The divorce is still pretty new, so it’s normal for you to keep wanting to fight and not let him go.
what am i to do when I put 150% ,my whole heart, (as hard as it was) total and complete TRUST in him. only to be broken This is unfortunately the reality of a lot of relationships. The divorce rate is so incredibly high and at least 1 person in the relationship tried to do everything they could to save it. I hear this kind of thing all of the time, so you are not alone. It’s quite a powerless feeling. We have this belief that if we do EVERYTHING we can, we can save or fix anything. That’s more true in other areas of our lives, except when it comes to relationships…especially love. When someone else is involved, it REQUIRES their desire to participate. It REQUIRES like-mindedness if things are going to work. That is what you are missing here. You guys are not likeminded about how live, how to respect each other, how to communicate and most of all, the desire to heal the relationship. Your relationship is broken and YOU may want to heal it, but he does not. When a person wants to TRULY heal a relationship, there are no “mixed” signals. It’s clear. They are willing to do anything to repair the broken parts that cause the separation…like you are. You are even here seeking advice and trying to gain more understanding and skills. He is not. Regardless of what he says, you also have to look at his ACTIONS. If his actions do not meet his words and if he is not consistent in what he says and wants, then he is not committed to anything.
Trying to repair this relationship is not about YOU saying or doing anything to heal what is broken, it’s about you BOTH agreeing what needs to be fixed and then creating AND acting upon a plan to repair it. This is NOT something you guys can do on your own, as you don’t have the skillset. You guys need to start to educate yourselves and understand what patterns cause disconnection and what patterns cause connection. You guys need to develop communication skills as well as how to handle your own stressful reactions to each other. All of these things need to come from a 3rd person…a therapist who specializes in couple’s counseling. If that’s too much to start, then start with reading articles and books for couples and go through the books TOGETHER and set up weekly times where you talk about what you learned etc. Maybe go on weekend retreats for couples. Here is a great resource: https://www.gottman.com/
The thing is, it’s broken because of BOTH of you. He needs to want to heal the relationship too or it isn’t going to work. What you can do in the meantime is work on yourself. Are you willing to work with a therapist or coach just for yourself? Going through a breakup like this is so incredibly intense and it would be a perfect time for you to get support and help as you navigate this. And strangely enough, many times, when the woman starts therapy and the man starts to see her shift and heal, they tend to become more open to the idea for themselves. I’ve seen it happen. When YOU shift, they tend to follow.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Wow! This guy seems like the best match for you, compared to any other guy you have dated since I have known you! He is open, he is attentive, he is emotionally available, he treats you like a queen, he has his own life and doesn’t try to stop you from yours, he keeps making plans with you…you guys are a couple. You may not have officially or technically said anything, but you guys are behaving like a couple. You may think you are casual and not putting pressure on, but I guarantee you, if he were to walk away right now, your heart would be broken. You are more invested in him than you think. He is being the kind of guy you have wanted to invest in for a long time! There is NOTHING you guys aren’t doing together, except just saying “let’s be boyfriend/girlfriend.” You guys will have that discussion when you both are ready though.
I’m curious about the Prozac still. Has he ever been on it? Is he actually seeing the Psychiatrist for emotional help as well or just check-ins to keep his prescription current? What happened with his fertility issues? Was that the cause of their breakup? Did his wife want a baby that much and he couldn’t provide one, so they got divorced? Is it the loss of her that triggered the depression or the divorce? I know it sounds like the same thing, but they are different. HOW does he talk about her and that whole situation? Does it activate his depression? Does he seem pretty grounded and thinking about the situation in a healthy way? Does he view her with a healthy mindset or does he still have a lot to work through about letting her go?
Heidi
So glad you had a wonderful time at home! It sounds really nourishing for you and I have no doubt, helps restore you so you can go back to work. We had our very first snow a few days ago. Light dusting that didn’t stick either. A new season is here!
It sounds like Travis might really do well at your place. I imagine you will set some very clear boundaries as to what you expect and what you need to have happen if he is going to live with you. I also imagine you will have consequences if he doesn’t comply. Have you talked with him about what you need from him? Your worries are legit, so set yourself up and set him up for success!
Heidi
HI Cynthia,
It’s great to hear from you! Thank you for sharing your updates with us!
One technique that worked amazing well for me in a particularly difficult breakup is talking into a recorder. I had sooooo many emotions and feelings and things I wanted to say to him, both in anger and in love. So I discovered that it helped for me to actually say all of it! I would just talk into my phone record app and say anything and everything I wanted to say, as if I were saying it to him. I wouldn’t filter either. I would be super messy, angry, tearful, loving…whatever came up. My intent was to just keep the energy flowing. It’s similar to journaling, but talking activates your voice and hearing in a way that journaling doesn’t. Journaling is an internal expression where speaking into a recorder is an external expression. Ever single day, several times a day I talked into it…mostly when I was in my car. It really strengthened my resolve and choice AND helped me continue to give a “voice” to my feelings, which helped with healing. Just an idea.
Also, another question I ask is this “What is it that I am wanting_________________to do for me, that I am not willing to do for myself.” Part of why we miss someone so much, is they fulfilled a need of ours. What needs were being met by him, that you can start to meet yourself? He left a hole. So SPECIFIC aspects of that hole that he helped fill, can you fill yourself? And how?
I haven’t completely let go. Part of me wants to allow for the possibility that he could call and we could try to move into deeper waters. What if you instead view that “letting go” means letting go of this design of relationship? You are letting go of poor communication. You are letting go of an emotionally unavailable man. You are letting go of feeling like you are on the outside of a man’s life. If he decides to reconnect, you can absolutely talk to him, but with the idea that you are not interested in participating in the same design of relationship that he offered before. It’s more about letting go of the dysfunctional parts of the relationship and deciding you have a new standard and anyone who wants to pursue a connection with you, needs to meet those standards. So it’s not necessarily letting go of “him” it’s letting go of the relationship design that didn’t work for you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Nhu,
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. After 4 years of what felt like a wonderful relationship, it’s heartbreaking to lose him. It’s confusing with the reasons he is offering you. It’s confusing because it isn’t your experience and it’s confusing because HE is confused himself.
Let’s break this down a bit and see if we can help you come to a deeper understanding of what is probably happening for him.
From what you have shared, I would say the majority of why he is disconnecting from you has to do with HIM and not you. He is really confused right now. He is not even sure he wants to be a doctor and if he does, what specialty to head into. When a person’s “life purpose” or career path doesn’t feel clear to them, the rest of their life gets super foggy and becomes unstable. They will typically have an awareness of a feeling of uncertainty that is there all day, every day. If you understand that, generally speaking, a man’s self-esteem is built off of his ability to “produce” in this world, then when a man’s career/job is not in order, he is literally paralyzed in a relationship. Men typically become pretty unavailable when their job is not in order. Your guy is only 23 and you both had already discussed marriage. That is an INCREDIBLE amount of pressure for a guy who isn’t clear and solid about the direction he is heading in. For a man, getting married means providing for a family. Most men NEED for their careers to be in order before they get married. They need to KNOW they will be a good provider. I’m not surprised he disconnected from you. He is incredibly stressed and he is feeling quite powerless in his life. If you can imagine what it would feel like to be in med school and have a direction, but then the feeling inside of you is changing. Your whole future and everything you have invested in, is not coming into question and you can’t stop it from happening. And the worst part is, there is nothing to replace that old vision of your life. So you are stuck in this “no man’s land” where there is nothing solid to stand on. It’s INCREDIBLY uncomfortable. So he is doing what most people do…grasping at whatever he can to feel pleasure and laughter and grasping at whatever he can to feel control in his life…hence breaking up with you. Not being sure about his career and his future means he is not going to feel solid about who he is, which will leak into how he feels about you and a future with you. He found some valid enough reasons to breakup with you and he went with it. In essence, he is relieving the pressure on himself. Does this make sense?
Generally speaking, men are defined by their ability to produce. Women, on the other hand, are defined by their ability to connect. That’s why we are the relationship caretakers. That’s why it’s much easier for women to stay at home with the kids. It’s natural for us to be sensitive to the needs of our relationships. If a man were to be the stay at home dad, you will soon find him seeking projects to complete. He will naturally start to “produce” something. Women will be working all day and she will typically crave connecting with her man and kids when she gets home, where men typically need some time away from everyone when he gets home. My point is, the core of what he is defined by has been shaken so he cuts ties, whereas a woman in the same situation will typically become closer to her man. We just have a different point of view and we are different at what sources the core of who we are. So it’s hard for you to understand why he would reject the best part of his life.
He is being so cold with you because he DOES have so many confusing feelings about his whole life. He is so confused, but he NEEDS tohimself present being clear and strong with you. He is still so young and has a lot to figure out.
Lastly, there is a thread of truth in the reason he is using to break up. There are aspects of relationships that are best to be likeminded if a relationship is going to stay nourished and alive and sustainable. One of their areas is how we play together. It’s not enough to have things in common. You need to be able to play together in similar ways. Playing together is CRUCIAL for bonding. Play is bonding, healing and generates growth and depth. He is seeing that he likes to play differently than you do. And it’s NOT the same if you go along because of him. He knows and you know that you are only joining because of him and that changes the energy of the activity. It’s a whole different experience if you BOTH love the activity. So although you feel fed in many other ways by the relationship, it sounds like this particular area of your relationship with him is a bit off. It’s important enough for him, that it became the reason for disconnecting.
I’m also wondering if he did meet someone else or even had a one-night fling. It wouldn’t be unusual for a guy to disconnect like this because he is feeling so horrible about something he did and he doesn’t want to be found out, so he breaks up. If it ever gets brought up, he can easily say he hooked up with the other girl during the breakup. He wouldn’t tell his friends either, because they are mutual friends and something like that could easily be leaked back to you.
I know I’ve suggested a lot about what’s happening. Does anything resonate with you? Thoughts?
Heidi
What do you mean by we are “really not casual” ? I just meant the way you guys act WITH each other and how often you are hanging out…it’s more like boyfriend/girlfriend.
But I’m always like “no no that’s ok she doesn’t have to know”. Maybe he is testing me ? I don’t know lol I absolutely think he is testing you. He obviously thinks about it. I think that maybe when you guys are ready to go “public” so to speak, it means you are more serious.
I think I am excited about him to be honest, but I just don’t want to be too excited lol first because of my past relationship pattern and also because I know that he is still in his burnout phase, he is taking “prozac” and all…So not too sure how emotionally available he is right now. So I guess I’m a bit protecting myself of falling for him. I’m pretty sure I could. But no nothing is missing to be honest, he is really kind, attentive, calm, fun, protective, sex is great. So if something is missing, it’s just not knowing his current emotional status. Is he literally taking Prozac? I wasn’t sure because you put it in quotes. Do you know how long he has been on it? Do you know how he feels about taking it? Does he want to get off of it as soon as he can? Has he ever gone to a therapist? I imagine you probably have not talked about these things.
I agree that it’s good to stay cautious. I imagine he is fully capable and available for the best parts of interacting with you. The real test will be how he handles an argument or a confrontation with you. That will tell you his true capacity and availability.
Heidi
I don’t remember if I’ve ever suggested this to you, but an incredible film/documentary you should watch is called Embrace. It’s truly a beautiful story of SEVERAL women embracing their “imperfections.” One woman has to embrace that she grows a beard. She has tried EVERYTHING under the sun to not make that happen, but nothing worked, so she just grew the beard, wears lipstick and makeup and is her beautiful feminine self! I know each time I watch it, I am reminded that with all of my imperfections, I am beautiful. I understand your challenges of feeling overweight/hairy or whatever else it is you perceive about how you look to the rest of us. I fully believe that can shift, regardless of what your experiences have been thus far…and it can shift without you losing a single pound and still being hairy! People will start to view you differently when you start to view yourself differently. You carry some VERY intense feelings about who you are in this world, influenced by abuse. It’s a story that is changing every single day that you discover your greatness and your darkness and still see yourself as beautiful. Ester Perel (super famous psychologist) said “Self-esteem is the ability to see yourself as a flawed individual and still hold yourself in high regard.” I know you feel that about yourself on the inside. What about your outside?
Heidi
