Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Anna,
If you have had a hard time communicating since you were young, where do you think that came from? How we communicate is something we are taught and learn from role modeling. So how is communication between you and your parents? What are your parent’s communication styles?
What are you afraid of? What about conflict is really hard for you? What are you afraid is going to happen if you communicate your feelings?
There are a lot of creative ways to communicate as well. If you have a hard time telling your guy how you appreciate him, then find lots of ways to do it. You can leave him little notes for him to find. You can make him his favorite dinner every once in a while. You can give him foot rubs. You can write him a love letter. You can wash his car for him. Communication comes in many forms and it’s good to show him how much you appreciate him in different ways…kind of like using every single love language to show him how you feel.
It sounds like quality time is your top love language. I know you both value touch, but what is HIS top one?
I’m wondering if he doesn’t trust what you are saying. I’m wondering that since he knows you feel insecure about the relationship, which activates him to feel like he isn’t enough for you, that even when you say that you feel content – he doesn’t believe you because you are not the best at communicating. I know that if I were with someone who wasn’t a good communicator, I wouldn’t necessarily trust everything they were saying because I know they are always trying to avoid conflict, so they won’t necessarily be honest. I would always be wondering what they REALLY were feeling. Do you think that is a possibility here? How do you feel about asking him that question? You could say “I’m curious…it seems like you don’t really believe me when I say that I truly am content with our relationship and how things are right now. How come you don’t believe me?” Are you willing to have a deeper conversation with him about your relationship? You can also ask him “How come you don’t trust that you are enough for me? I know that I have said before that I wanted more time with you and that maybe you didn’t feel strong enough for me, but I’ve learned a lot since then. I’m a different person today, but maybe you don’t feel that about me. What is important to me, is that you feel secure with me and know that you make me sooooo happy. Is there something I can do to help you feel that more?”
Do you understand the line of questioning I am taking you through? I think some of this is a great conversation to have with him. With communication, especially when it might be a difficult subject for you, the #1 mindset you want to have is CURIOSITY. I start MANY of my questions with “I’m curious….” and it’s a really beautiful way to help the other person feel comfortable vs. being accused or attacked or bombarded. It helps the other person NOT feel defensive if I am just curious about their reaction. The truth is, we all THINK we understand each other, but we don’t. If we all slow down and pretend we are a reporter and have to write a long article about our partner’s reaction to a situation, then we need a lot more detail. So you put on your curiosity hat and pretend that you are a reporter and need a lot more information. Ask questions, ask questions, ask questions! Imagine that he is your teacher, you are the student and his heart is the subject. This can be a good thing for you to practice to maybe help your fear of communication.
How does this approach make you feel?
Heidi
Well, it sounds like you are very grounded. You really do have a different mindset. It sounds like you are good with being friends and really slowing things down. If it works out down the road, then great. If it doesn’t, then it hasn’t stopped you from living your life the way you want. This is very different than your last breakup. Why do you think that is? It felt like you liked this guy a lot more than the last one. What’s different?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
Welcome! We are glad you are here! You are asking some really important questions. I’m glad you are willing to look at your situation with a more curious mind. Let’s see if we can bring more understanding to what is happening for you.
Why do I do it, even though I do feel content with my boyfriend? Because you DO NOT feel content with him. You have 2 parts – one part that says you are content and another part that definitely is not content. When you have moments of feeling insecure, that other part will take over and say how she is feeling. The thing is, the part is pretty strong. I would say that it’s probably stronger than you are willing to admit. You are writing here because it’s how you REALLY feel. If you were truly 100% content, you would not have even thought about getting some guidance on your situation. My concern is that I want to spend more time with my boyfriend than he wants with me. This statement is the truth about how you really feel, so that means you are actually not content – and your boyfriend is picking up on that.
Why do I feel insecure when I want more time spent with him than he want with me? Our insecurities get developed as children. What was your relationship like with your parents? What was your childhood like? Also, you may love very differently than your boyfriend. This is where you may NOT be compatible. People feel and express love very differently. There is no right or wrong to it – we are all just different. So understanding HOW you love differently, can really help you find more peace. There are a gazillion ways to view the differences. There is astrology, there is the Enneagram, there is the 5 love languages…I could make a mile-long list of how to go about this. It just depends on you and what you resonate with.
I think the best approach is to do BOTH. Most importantly, start to understand yourself and your reactions more. Get in touch with your insecurities. They will ALWAYS be there, so it’s important to know what they are, when you are being triggered, what to do about it and how to heal. It also will be valuable for you to start to understand the differences between you guys and how he operates and thinks differently than you.
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
That’s all he really told me I tried to ask more but the anger that he showed when talking about that time in his life and the resentment that he still feels towards his dad I didn’t want to press the issue and upset him. Sounds like an excuse I know but I am admittedly grasping. Of course his past is influencing how he shows up in this relationship. He has a VERY skewed perspective about love. We ALL have pretty skewed perspectives. HOW he reacts to trauma and stress is more his personality type. He will ALWAYS have a tendency to withdraw and hold things in. But with healing and doing the inner work and facing all of his anger, a healthier version of him would choose to communicate instead of holding things in. Does this make sense?
I still feel that there is good things to be had between us but realize and have before that he needs to work on himself and seek some kind of help. This is very true. He has YEARS of pent up anger, hatred, resentment, hurt, abandonment etc. There is NO WAY any woman is going to truly get behind those walls. He would rather be in a relationship with all of these negative feelings, than to choose intimacy and love and connection. The fact that he is breaking things off means he is getting uncomfortable…which is exactly what he needs in order to grow. But instead, he is just starting with someone new. With someone new, he doesn’t have to face all of his shit. He gets to just be wonderful and NOT FEEL that darkness that lives within him. This is who he is. This is how he will always handle his life. So again, is this the kind of love you want to experience in your life? I know there are a lot of great things between you guys that is worth fighting for. You wouldn’t love him, if there weren’t those wonderful things. Unfortunately, the darkness is big enough that it’s destroying the light. So this is about you fighting for the light within you MORE than trying to fight the darkness that is prevailing in this very broken relationship.
I still want to encourage you to tell your family. You need support. Let your mom worry and get it over with. You are only delaying the inevitable. The sooner you tell them, the sooner you can all move forward TOGETHER. This relationship is over and it’s important for your growth and acceptance of that, to let your family know and start to plan a way to create separate spaces. I know this is not what you want to hear. I’m being a bit more strong this time around so you really get what is happening here. He is gone. He is choosing another woman, because he is choosing not to face how he is feeling inside. He gets to do that. Now it’s about you accepting that this is who he is choosing to be and it’s time for you to go and no longer have to witness this.
Heidi
Hi Virginia,
We are really glad you here! Thank you for sharing your questions and your story. You are asking some really great questions. I’m not sure you will like my answers though, as they are not very fun answers and not what most people are willing to do.
First, considering your traumas and tendency to become co-dependent (meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself) in a relationship, it’s important for you to protect yourself until you are able to heal enough to be more balanced.
How to be a friend and also be attractive? Which means: how can I behave as casual and romantically disinterested, as a friend is, while I am potentially and naturally attracted to him and I would like to be seduced? Do the two situations exclude the other? This is not possible. Do you really want to just pretend to be a friend with him? Guys can pick up on that. Most people can. You may THINK you are being a good faker, but the true energy always leaks out in ways you are not aware of.
do you have advice on what is the middle way between intellectual and heartful? Maybe knowing how commonly men behave towards people like me, would help me in understand how to embody the middle way: I want to encourage you to just be yourself. When you are just being yourself, and then a guy likes you and is attracted to you, you will know it’s because he likes the REAL you and not something else you are trying to be. Your focus is on “how to be” a certain way so you can please men and attract them. That is a co-dependent kind of approach. You are thinking about how to meet a man’s needs at the expense of just being yourself. What is MOST attractive to the right kind of man FOR YOU…is that you are solid and strong in who you are. You are confident that who you are, your best self and your worst self, is worth loving and knowing. You KNOW you are a great catch. You KNOW that any man who gets to have you, is very lucky and you expect to be treated as such.
This guy you just met IS NOT THAT GUY! Run away from him! You are letting your feelings of connection lead you into a VERY hurtful situation. He has a girlfriend. He is NOT available. Besides, even if you did get his attention, then what? If he is cheating on her, he will cheat on you! Our feelings that get activated in the beginning are just feelings without any substance. That’s why it’s so important to date for a while. Dating is about putting some substance to those feelings of connection – or not. This guy is just playing games and he is someone you need to stay far away from. Being that you are easily influenced by him, because of how he makes you feel, the best thing you can do is just stay away completely. Otherwise, you will not be able to resist him as he keeps making advances towards you. Set your boundary strong on this. You are playing with fire by staying “friends” with this guy. You are also going to be involved in breaking another woman’s heart. Choose to care enough about how you affect their relationship by staying away.
(Does this chemistry disappear as well, the more we get to know details of each others?) It depends on the couple. I have seen and experienced that chemistry disappearing in a matter of seconds. I have also seen that chemistry grow into something deeper and more bonding. I have seen that chemistry stay. It just depends on the personality of the couple and what they do for each other and how they treat each other. I’ve talked to couples who have been together for decades and I hear both answers. I hear that yes, they still get butterflies with each other and I hear no, no more butterflies, but there is a deep bond.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Katherine! Welcome!
I can feel your heart breaking into a million pieces. I am soooo so sorry for what you are having to go through. It’s is awful to watch someone slip through your fingers and not be able to do anything about it. You are feeling powerless and that is one of the hardest, most painful feelings to accept and embrace. Let’s walk through all of this.
He had again internalized his thoughts and didn’t share these things with me until they had boiled over and he had overthought. This kind of coping mechanism is extremely damaging to any relationship. It doesn’t matter how amazing things are when they are good, it doesn’t matter how much YOU do to be a better partner, it doesn’t matter how long you have been together – how he handles stress is a coping mechanism that breaks connection. He is “stonewalling” you. He is staying silent, letting his feelings fester, then releasing a bomb on you. Not only is he dumping a year’s worth of thoughts and feelings into your lap, but he is also blaming you for how he is feeling, as if you are supposed to know, read the signals, be better for him etc. Whaaaaat??? You are NOT a mind reader and he is expecting you to be. Regardless, he is NOT communicating until his boiling point and that is a HUGE RED FLAG. Then he criticizes you for everything you are doing and somehow playing the victim in this scenario. Where is he taking responsibility for what is happening?? Here is a very basic article that explains 4 conflict styles that are guaranteed to ruin a relationship.
He knows that I am the type of person that relies on physical as well as verbal signals. This is unrealistic. It’s not EITHER of your jobs to figure anything out or read signals. It’s your job and his job to communicate what you are feeling – end of story. For you or him to expect you to read signals is silly. It’s not your job to try and figure out what he is feeling.
He was again angry hurt upset about the situation and pointed out all the faults that I had made but didn’t admit to any fault of his own. This is pretty narcissistic. He spends all these months, reeling in his mind, creating these stories about you and everything YOU are doing to cause him hurt. He feels completely okay putting all the blame on you and he is VERY convinced of his stories – and leaves no room for how he is part of his unhappiness. A person like this is EXTREMELY fragile. This kind of person cannot handle really looking at their own limitations, how they are causing hurt, and how they are messing up. A person like this can’t handle being “imperfect.” I used to be like this. I used to always find blame in another so I didn’t have to take it on. It’s quite the cozy way to cope to get to point the finger at everyone else, except yourself. I was empty inside though. I didn’t have a very strong internal self-esteem and that’s why I needed to point the finger at everyone else. He has been coping this way his whole life and it will never change, unless he decides it’s a coping mechanism he wants to shift. You can do anything and everything to get him back, but it will not change that he will do this again and again and again and again.
I will spend the rest of my life fighting for him but I think he dose not believe it. Here is a hard truth – you can spend the rest of your life fighting for this guy, but if he isn’t willing to fight for himself and willing to fight to become a better partner – you are just fighting to stay in the same situation. I think it was Einstein that said “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.” That is all you would be doing with him. Here is an analogy I like to use. Imagine I am giving you the very best ingredients possible to make a gorgeous cake. BUT….one of the ingredients that MUST be included, is 2 cups of shit. (The cake is the relationship and the ingredients represent what you both put into the relationship) Do you really think that even with all the best ingredients plus the 2 cups of shit, that you will be able to make a delicious cake??? It’s impossible. No matter what you do, no matter how many other ingredients you try and put into that cake, it’s going to taste horrible. It can look beautiful, but it will taste horrible. That is what is happening here. You are able to recognize the shit that’s there and are willing to work on it…he is not. So that just means you will spend “the rest of your life” trying to add more and more ingredients, trying to find different ingredients, trying to find new recipes to make it taste better – all the while he is still handing you 2 cups of shit because he doesn’t want to do the work, nor believes he needs to.
my family does not know about the first separation nor do they know about the current one we are keeping it from them its bad I know and really f***** up I don’t want them to worry or break their hearts. I want to encourage you to tell your family. You need support through this. Stop worrying about their hearts and instead start taking care of yours. You need a place to cry, you need a place to talk, you need support. This is devastating and family/friends are so important for support, love, and care. Trust they will be okay!
I know this is not what you want to here. I’m not saying things can’t turn around, but what I am saying is that they won’t as long as he keeps blaming you for his misery. If he is willing to work on HIMSELF and really face his MAJOR contributions to things breaking…then you have a chance.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I was curious if you sensed this “wall” in any of his actions, but with you saying that HE was the one always saying he doesn’t want to lose you and all the times he was initiating – it just seems like his actions don’t align with the words he is saying now. That’s why I’m wondering if his visits with family and friends changed things for him. Maybe they were all telling him to slow down and he shouldn’t be with anyone right now, maybe there is something you don’t know about him yet, that they do and he is trying to protect you from him, maybe, maybe, maybe….who knows. I just feel like something specific happened on his vacation for it to shift his path with you. Regardless, it doesn’t change what is true….he isn’t available for you.
I totally understand what you are doing and why. It could totally work and over time, he may feel more comfortable stepping into something deeper with you. I do have caution flags for you though – there is a danger here of you investing in this idea that he could eventually come around – what if he doesn’t? Even if you spend the next 3 months staying connected to him and hoping for something to come out of this, that’s 3 months of you NOT doing the real work of letting him go. I always want to encourage people to stay present. If you were truly investing your focus in the present moment, then the present means he is not available…end of story. I think it’s best to start working on letting him go now and letting go of the idea that you guys could be together down the road. When you let go of that idea, you will be able to develop a true friendship (with no hidden agenda). You will move on and continue to date – and you will heal from this loss. At some point down the road, if he decides he has enough feelings for you and wants more, then you can decide what to do at that point. But if he never takes that step, then you will be no worse off, because you haven’t been “hoping” for anything. I personally would just spend some time away from him, feel the loss of him, heal from the loss of him and THEN enter back into a friendship.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Natalia,
Welcome! Thank you for coming here and sharing your question and story with us! I know it’s incredibly difficult to really connect with a guy who isn’t on the same page as you are. You are wanting to settle down and he isn’t ready and that’s really hard to deal with.
Let me just ask a few questions. First, what were your small fights about? How did you guys work through it? (i.e. talking, yelling, snipping at each other)
The thing is, you are wanting to settle down with him and step into something more serious, but you guys barely know each other. I think your first step is to slow things down in your mind. The beginning phases of meeting someone is all about discovering if your world and his world can work well together…in a healthy, nourishing, and respectful way. This takes quite a bit of time. I always tell people that when you choose who you are going to let in on the deeper, more sacred levels of your heart, you need to choose them according to who they are in their worst moments, not their best moments. Meaning…you have NO IDEA what he is like when he is angry, stressed, hurt, resentful etc. You don’t know how he treats you, how he treats himself, and how he works through those kinds of moments. Who he is in his worst moments is what will make or break the relationship. He could be abusive, he could be critical, he could be the stonewalling type and all of those behaviors are so incredibly damaging and DO NOT support a relationship that can last. So I just want to slow you down a bit and get you into the mindset of expecting him to earn the right of your heart. You are wanting to give it to him sooooo easily.
He is in the knight phase and you DO NOT want to cut that short. It’s a phase HE needs to come out of naturally, not something YOU do for him. If you try to force him out earlier than when he is ready to, you will break the connection.
The very best thing you can do for him right now, is to ACCEPT him and LISTEN to him. He is NOT ready for a relationship. He is NOT sure that when he is, you will be that person for him. And that’s appropriate because he doesn’t know you that well. It also sounds like he is still recovering from his broken engagement. How long ago did they break up? Do you know why? How long were they together?
When you accept where he is at and give him the space to just be there, instead of trying to figure out ways to get him to move faster, it will establish safety for him. He needs to feel that you listen to him. He needs to experience you respecting his boundaries and not asking for more than what he is willing to give. This is so important for a person to know in order to feel safe with someone. If all you are doing is trying to push YOUR agenda onto him, he will feel that and continue to put walls up and eventually will disconnect.
What’s important to know now, is what YOU want. If he is not available for a relationship right now, then what does that mean for you? He can’t give you what you want right now, and who knows if he ever will…does that change anything for you? Are you willing to keep investing in this guy who is on a different page than you? Or maybe you are willing to slow things down in your mind and just get to know him for a while to see if he is a good person to truly invest in.
Thoughts?
Heidi
If I am understanding you correctly, it sounds like you still have some hope with this guy. It seems like a big part of you is taking a step back and okay with doing the friend thing. It also seems like there is a part of you that is still wanting more and hoping it will happen down the road. It’s like you guys are starting over again and doing it the “right” way with a much slower startup, focusing on friendship, and no sex. Am I understanding correctly?
if I don’t have a spark of love right away, it’s very hard to get it to come. I’m curious what your thoughts are on this.
Heidi
I’m glad tacos went a bit better than you expected. Of course, you are still on your guard though.
I’m so sorry for how your anniversary turned out. You said “It’s okay” and you get where he is at. Jacinda, this is NOT okay. You are putting in all of this effort and he is not. Let’s really look at what’s happening here. You are going to grow and learn and become a better person, all the while he will be doing nothing to improve himself. You say “I love you” every morning with nothing in return. You rub his feet, you give him compliments and it’s all landing on a guy who doesn’t really value and appreciate you.
I know you are trying to save your marriage, but this is not how it’s going to happen. He doesn’t respect you and that’s an issue. He doesn’t respect you because you are not respecting yourself. You are constantly chasing after him trying to “prove” your love, your value, your kindness, etc. and he is doing nothing in return. This is not a reciprocal relationship you have with him. Men typically do not respond well to this kind of design of being chased without having to put any effort in. Again, they don’t respect women who allow themselves to be treated that way.
It’s like you are living your life FOR HIM and doing everything you can to save the marriage and get him to come back, without really caring what your marriage is like, how he treats you, and the quality of your connection and partnership. You are fighting for a guy who is NOT a partner. He is just sitting back, receiving everything you are giving him, and doing nothing in return. This is really what you want to fight for? This is the kind of connection you want to have in your life?
I know you want his attention back, but the best way to do that is to start to respect and love yourself and set some standards as to how you are treated. When you give, give, give and there is no receiving, that is NOT a loving thing to do for yourself. Love is about EXCHANGE otherwise it’s not love. What you are doing is coming from a place of fear and he can feel that.
So let’s start here. How would you like to be treated? What EXACTLY would you like from him? Tell me about why you married him and when your relationship with him was at its best.
Heidi
Oh man. I wish we could chat as well. Having to write every really limits the conversation. I wish I could just give you the most giant hug right now. I know you are hurting. My hurt is hurting for you as well.
But I have a weird feeling… like I’m flirting with a close friend, not like I’m in a relationship. Let’s talk a little more about this. First, ouch! I read that and my heart sank. It’s an awful thing to hear that you are not attractive in a sexy way to someone you have been intimate with several times.
I know this is what feels real for him, but I also wonder why. Again, how he acted and behaved just doesn’t line up with his words. I also wonder if something shifted for him while on his trip and being around his family. I’m wondering if they said something to him. I know that when I was really carrying a lot of baggage, someone could say the smallest thing to me about who I was dating, or maybe I shouldn’t be dating etc., and my feelings would instantly change…like a light switch…and I would sabotage my connection somehow. It was exactly what I was saying previously…it’s the upper limit. I’m wondering if he reached his upper limit of being happy and he started to feel really uncomfortable and needed to sabotage the connection (not that he would be aware of any of this).
I suppose it all really doesn’t really matter. Whatever the real reason, he isn’t available and it just plain hurts…there isn’t a way around that. I am so sorry Emilie.
What are you going to do to process all of this? Are you still working with a coach? Feel free to come here and vent and express everything you need to!
Heidi
Wow! This is a big deal!!! How are you feeling?? How is unpacking?? I’ve moved many times as well and man…it’s exhausting! I’m sending many many restorative vibes your way!!!
Heidi
Oh my goodness! Soooooo confusing!!! His actions and words are NOT aligned at all, which is a really big red flag. He says he doesn’t see a future with you. Did you happen to ask him why? He is attracted to you and also feels really close with you and a strong friendship…all the things needed for a relationship, yet he doesn’t see a future??? Huh? There is something going on here. So I would have wanted to ask “What is missing for you?” I’m wondering if he just won’t allow himself to see a future (subconsciously) because he is still so afraid and won’t allow himself to feel that way…which is my guess. He still has some deeper healing to do.
I’m so sorry Emily. This has to be so frustrating for you. I’m glad he finally brought this up. I think what’s important for you is for YOU to decide what you want to do. He is not available for a real relationship, at least not right now, so how do YOU want to things to go? Can you still have sex and bond, knowing it’s not going anywhere? Or is taking a step back and truly creating just a friendship, what feels best for your heart? It’s not for him to decide anymore. He told you how he felt, now it’s up to you to decide what you want to do with that.
Heidi
I know how much you want things to work out with him. Of course you do. You are the kind of person who loves very deeply and bonds very strongly. So the idea of letting him go, feels like it would shatter your world.
The thing is Jacinda, you have no control over he chooses to be, only yourself. The most powerful way to shift a situation is to work on yourself and shift yourself…then the whole situation changes. There are no guarantees as to whether your marriage will stay together or not as you grow and connect more deeply to yourself, but what there is a guarantee for, is you will feel more empowered, strong, confident and resilient within yourself to handle whatever shows up.
The goal here is not to just get him back. If he comes back, that doesn’t change the problems that are causing the disconnect in the first place. You want to shift HOW you guys communicate and connect. You want to have healthier boundaries, you want to relate to each other with more respect, and you want to remain open and authentic with each other. That is what allows a couple to continue to grow and stay connected. So shift your goal from ONLY thinking about him coming back, to finding healthier ways to relate to each other. When he is resistant, let him be. He gets to be resistant and when you push against that energy, it will only grow. When YOU disconnect and say in your mind “He is resistant and I am not going to participate in that kind of connection” you can stay empowered. It doesn’t matter “why” he is resistant sometimes and then sometimes not. That is you putting your attention and focus on HIM when it needs to be on yourself instead. When you are solid and stable and adhere to certain standards as to how you are treated, he will either align with that or not.
Another thing you can do, although I’m not sure how open he is to this, is to just ask him (when he is in a good mood) what is happening when he is resistant. Come from a place of PURE curiosity. So you can say something like “I’m actually really curious. Sometimes I really feel your resistance and sometimes I don’t. Is there something I am doing to cause your resistance? Is there anything I could do differently so you don’t feel resistance? I really would like to understand. I would love for you to teach me what works best for you.”
How did the tacos go???
Heidi
