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Hi Angela,
Welcome! Thank you for asking your question.
Yes! We ALL carry baggage from our past that affects our current reactions, feelings, thoughts, and behaviors in the current relationship. It’s just human and normal. However, those moments where our past gets triggered, are moments we have an opportunity for healing. They are moments where our subconscious is exposing a belief or feeling that lives there and we have a window of time to work with it and heal before it goes back into the abyss and we can’t grab onto it anymore…until it gets triggered again.
Now with that being said, it doesn’t mean that what you are sensing doesn’t have truth in it as well. He may be distancing himself as well. How long have you been dating? How long ago did your last relationship end? What is happening that is making you feel like he is a little distant?
Heidi
Well done being open to my suggestions and guidance. You are quite strong! Do you know this about yourself? To be able to look at your limiting patterns and beliefs and want to get to know them more and shift them…well that is a path less traveled. It takes an internal strength to do that.
This makes A LOT of sense about your parents and how you related with them. I can totally understand why you would feel uncomfortable expressing your needs and feelings when you grew up with a father who yelled a lot.
When I was young I think it was hard to communicate my feelings because my dad is the way he is. He is always in the right, so I guess my feelings were not valid, and there were no point of communicating them. I’m wondering if your dad is a narcissist…or at least has really strong tendencies. Narcissists typically activate co-dependence in their children. Here is a simple definition – narcissism is meeting your needs at the expense of another. Co-dependence is meeting the needs of others, at the expense of yourself. The way a child learns to survive a narcissistic parent is to become 100% submissive. They do everything and anything to please their parent and they start to become a shadow of themselves. They disappear in a sense. As they get older, they truly have no clue who they are because they never had the safe space to think and feel and develop themselves. They typically grow up to be incredibly sensitive and accommodating. The work you need to do now, is about feeling safe within yourself. I remember being in college and working with a therapist on developing my “no” muscle. I was so uncomfortable saying “no” because I hate the feeling of disappointing someone. Having peace was more important to me than how I felt. So she gave me an assignment. She assigned me the homework to say “no” to ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING that I had the slightest inkling that I didn’t want to do. She took me to the extreme. So anything I felt I didn’t want to do, even if it was the smallest no, I had to say no. If my answer was not a full 100% yes with all my spirit, the answer was a no. So I had to tell everyone around me, my friends and boyfriend, what I was doing so they new what was going on. Then I began my homework. Holy smokes it was hard! But then I started getting more comfortable with my “no.” It took me a few months, but eventually, I wasn’t scared of it anymore. That’s when I came more into balance and my homework assignment was over. I finally was comfortable with disappointing people, I was comfortable letting people down, I was comfortable with upsetting people, I was comfortable with all the reactions people had because I wasn’t giving them what they wanted. That’s the place you need to get to. I’m not saying to do what my therapist told me to do. It’s more about the concept of going from one extreme to the other extreme in order to find the middle. This is about you feeling comfortable with your feelings, first and foremost…without judgment. I guarantee you that if you spent some time with your feelings of being resentful and not having enough – you would discover a part of you that is deeply wounded and hurting. But instead, you are just judging those feelings which then perpetuates guilt – and you just keep going round and round and round – without anything changing. So break the pattern. Get a journal and write about it. Get curious about that part of you that feels resentful. Talk to that part of you that is very real and has very real feelings that matter. When you judge and ignore those feelings, you are basically treating yourself exactly how your parents treat you. So now is the time to start to be the kind of parent to yourself that you needed growing up. Pay attention, validate, understand and have compassion for EVERYTHING you feel. Get to know yourself and give yourself permission to feel all of it and be the loving mom, the caring mom, the compassionate mom, the curious mom, the kind of mom that deeply connects with her child and is interested in creating a safe space for her to feel whatever she needs to feel. When you can do this for yourself, you will feel an internal support, you will feel an internal sense of solidness and confidence. This then allows you to express your needs/feelings in a more authentic way.
I wouldn’t go as far as doing this with your parents…at least not yet. What is also important to understand is that your feelings are valuable and sacred. Your vulnerability is a gift to whoever you share it with. If you are sharing your vulnerability with people who treat it as trash, as irritating, as negative or whatever…then you are just setting yourself to be rejected all over again. So it’s important that you protect yourself as well from those kinds of experiences. Your parents are who they are and they may never appreciate nor respect your ability to be vulnerable. If this is true, then sharing how you feel is not safe for you. I would let your therapist guide you through something like that. But for right now, your job is to connect to yourself and treat yourself the way you have always needed to be treated…with respect, with compassion, with honor, with care, with gentleness, with a listening ear and a curious mind.
Is it possible to keep it stable like it is now, or is it like they say that all relationships will go through different ups and downs? Yep! It’s very normal to come close and push apart in long term relationships. So it’s important to make sure you are solid in yourself for those times where connection is more of a struggle.
Heidi
No, don’t have a clue at all why grumpy women who treat men mean get dates and I don’t. This is part of you developing your skills in how to read people and their subconscious patterns/beliefs about love. The better you get at this, the easier it will be to understand the kind of person you are on a date with. Let’s just look more at the general picture. If you look at the general idea that “grumpy women who treat men mean get dates” what does that tell you about each person? It’s also important to recognize that this is a belief you have and this belief contributes to your own view of love (on a subconscious level). Now if you look at Barry, you have more information about their dynamic. What do you think is happening there, generally speaking?
Sounds like Will stirred the pot up a bit. I like when people do that. It mixes things up and creates an opportunity for growth for everyone involved. That’s usually not what happens though. People usually just stay in their judgments. I’m curious…how did all of that make YOU feel?
Sounds like your kids are figuring out their lives really well. Do they still talk to their dad? What’s the story there?
Heidi
So I don’t get it. I don’t understand why women like her get nice men and I don’t even get a date. This is an interesting thought. Let’s explore this a little further. Why do YOU think this happens?
I’m sorry you haven’t been able to connect with Trav in a while. Do you guys have plans to connect over Thanksgiving? I know a month seems so far away before you get to go home. I have a feeling it’s going to fly by really fast!
And well done just walking up to that NOVA guy and starting a conversation. Good for you! I love how you are just putting yourself out there. It takes a lot of confidence to do something like that.
Heidi
When is the component of physical attraction interferring with being friends? As long as there is physical attraction, sex is being thought about, flirtiness is going to be present and that’s when things can begin to get messy. I have a friend who is gorgeous! I am always physically attracted to him and vice versa, BUT that’s really where it stops. There is just a natural barrier there where I truly have no interest in dating him, I just like looking at him. So that allows us to be friends. My heart is not involved. Chemistry (other than friendship) is not involved. It’s the chemicals of attraction, where you start to feel a pull towards him, where you start to fantasize about him, where you start to think about him as more than a friend – that’s when you know that you are in the danger zone with him and the energy, for you at least, is more than a friendship.
Does this thought/behaviour fall into the spectrum of co-dependency? Could I make my honesty a strength? Honesty is a strength. But let’s look at this 1 step further. Why do you want to be honest? If you truly are able to look at the deeper reason as to WHY you want to do something, you can find your intentions, even if it’s about honesty, to be shady. For example, honesty can be used as a manipulation technique. It can be used to hurt someone on purpose. It can be used to generate a specific reaction from someone. What’s more important that honesty, is to understand HOW and WHY you are using it. So to be honest about your feelings for him, you can ask yourself….if I tell him my feelings, is it going to be the highest good of me and him and his girlfriend?
Is the eventual application of their contents into my life not being myself and pleasing men as well? Again…you have to look at WHY you are doing what you are doing. People with co-dependent tendencies, typically feel pretty empty inside. They are constantly pouring themselves out to others, so they don’t really know themselves very well. So if you are reading all of this material, to fill yourself up, so you can learn how to behave to attract men, then you are just being what someone else is telling you to be vs. learning about who you are TRULY are. I’m not saying this is what you are doing. I don’t know your deepest intentions for why you are reading all of this stuff. I’m just encouraging you to really explore the “why” behind your choices.
Would answering to the natural arousal of energy in a flirty but contained way an acceptable behaviour? e.g. use those advice for enjoyment, empowerment, momentum,.. It’s only acceptable if it feels within your integrity. Again, you can always ask yourself, “Is responding to this arousal of energy in a flirty way, something that is for the highest good of me and him and everyone involved?”
I haven’t gone as far as this, in the journey on co-dependency; how to address it? Addressing co-dependency is about truly discovering wh you are, making your needs valuable and important and sometimes MORE than others’ needs, and learning to be okay when you disappoint someone, learning to be okay when someone gets upset that you said no or set a boundary. I’m thinking of the movie “Runaway Bride.” The main character is co-dependent. Maybe watch it and see those kinds of behaviors in action and in story form. Whenever we have a pattern, it’s about understanding the depths and all the layers of it. Co-dependency is not all bad either. It’s beautiful as well! So learning when and how and where to meet someone else’s needs at the expense of your own…that’s the journey. It’s not about making it all go away…it’s just about finding the balance. Is your therapist helping you with this?
Heidi
OH! I also wanted to recommend a REALLY great book. It’s written for men specifically, but I always encourage women to read it as well. It’s powerful and can help you understand what makes a relationship work and last.
Also, you should check out their app. They have an app full of all kinds of questions you can ask each other, to help improve intimacy. The goal here is for you to feel more comfortable with the little time he offers you. So what are some creative ways you can feel connected with him, even though you don’t spend as much time together as you want (I know right now is good, but it’s soon changing, so it’s time to prepare).
Hi Anna,
If you have had a hard time communicating since you were young, where do you think that came from? How we communicate is something we are taught and learn from role modeling. So how is communication between you and your parents? What are your parent’s communication styles?
What are you afraid of? What about conflict is really hard for you? What are you afraid is going to happen if you communicate your feelings?
There are a lot of creative ways to communicate as well. If you have a hard time telling your guy how you appreciate him, then find lots of ways to do it. You can leave him little notes for him to find. You can make him his favorite dinner every once in a while. You can give him foot rubs. You can write him a love letter. You can wash his car for him. Communication comes in many forms and it’s good to show him how much you appreciate him in different ways…kind of like using every single love language to show him how you feel.
It sounds like quality time is your top love language. I know you both value touch, but what is HIS top one?
I’m wondering if he doesn’t trust what you are saying. I’m wondering that since he knows you feel insecure about the relationship, which activates him to feel like he isn’t enough for you, that even when you say that you feel content – he doesn’t believe you because you are not the best at communicating. I know that if I were with someone who wasn’t a good communicator, I wouldn’t necessarily trust everything they were saying because I know they are always trying to avoid conflict, so they won’t necessarily be honest. I would always be wondering what they REALLY were feeling. Do you think that is a possibility here? How do you feel about asking him that question? You could say “I’m curious…it seems like you don’t really believe me when I say that I truly am content with our relationship and how things are right now. How come you don’t believe me?” Are you willing to have a deeper conversation with him about your relationship? You can also ask him “How come you don’t trust that you are enough for me? I know that I have said before that I wanted more time with you and that maybe you didn’t feel strong enough for me, but I’ve learned a lot since then. I’m a different person today, but maybe you don’t feel that about me. What is important to me, is that you feel secure with me and know that you make me sooooo happy. Is there something I can do to help you feel that more?”
Do you understand the line of questioning I am taking you through? I think some of this is a great conversation to have with him. With communication, especially when it might be a difficult subject for you, the #1 mindset you want to have is CURIOSITY. I start MANY of my questions with “I’m curious….” and it’s a really beautiful way to help the other person feel comfortable vs. being accused or attacked or bombarded. It helps the other person NOT feel defensive if I am just curious about their reaction. The truth is, we all THINK we understand each other, but we don’t. If we all slow down and pretend we are a reporter and have to write a long article about our partner’s reaction to a situation, then we need a lot more detail. So you put on your curiosity hat and pretend that you are a reporter and need a lot more information. Ask questions, ask questions, ask questions! Imagine that he is your teacher, you are the student and his heart is the subject. This can be a good thing for you to practice to maybe help your fear of communication.
How does this approach make you feel?
Heidi
Well, it sounds like you are very grounded. You really do have a different mindset. It sounds like you are good with being friends and really slowing things down. If it works out down the road, then great. If it doesn’t, then it hasn’t stopped you from living your life the way you want. This is very different than your last breakup. Why do you think that is? It felt like you liked this guy a lot more than the last one. What’s different?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
Welcome! We are glad you are here! You are asking some really important questions. I’m glad you are willing to look at your situation with a more curious mind. Let’s see if we can bring more understanding to what is happening for you.
Why do I do it, even though I do feel content with my boyfriend? Because you DO NOT feel content with him. You have 2 parts – one part that says you are content and another part that definitely is not content. When you have moments of feeling insecure, that other part will take over and say how she is feeling. The thing is, the part is pretty strong. I would say that it’s probably stronger than you are willing to admit. You are writing here because it’s how you REALLY feel. If you were truly 100% content, you would not have even thought about getting some guidance on your situation. My concern is that I want to spend more time with my boyfriend than he wants with me. This statement is the truth about how you really feel, so that means you are actually not content – and your boyfriend is picking up on that.
Why do I feel insecure when I want more time spent with him than he want with me? Our insecurities get developed as children. What was your relationship like with your parents? What was your childhood like? Also, you may love very differently than your boyfriend. This is where you may NOT be compatible. People feel and express love very differently. There is no right or wrong to it – we are all just different. So understanding HOW you love differently, can really help you find more peace. There are a gazillion ways to view the differences. There is astrology, there is the Enneagram, there is the 5 love languages…I could make a mile-long list of how to go about this. It just depends on you and what you resonate with.
I think the best approach is to do BOTH. Most importantly, start to understand yourself and your reactions more. Get in touch with your insecurities. They will ALWAYS be there, so it’s important to know what they are, when you are being triggered, what to do about it and how to heal. It also will be valuable for you to start to understand the differences between you guys and how he operates and thinks differently than you.
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
That’s all he really told me I tried to ask more but the anger that he showed when talking about that time in his life and the resentment that he still feels towards his dad I didn’t want to press the issue and upset him. Sounds like an excuse I know but I am admittedly grasping. Of course his past is influencing how he shows up in this relationship. He has a VERY skewed perspective about love. We ALL have pretty skewed perspectives. HOW he reacts to trauma and stress is more his personality type. He will ALWAYS have a tendency to withdraw and hold things in. But with healing and doing the inner work and facing all of his anger, a healthier version of him would choose to communicate instead of holding things in. Does this make sense?
I still feel that there is good things to be had between us but realize and have before that he needs to work on himself and seek some kind of help. This is very true. He has YEARS of pent up anger, hatred, resentment, hurt, abandonment etc. There is NO WAY any woman is going to truly get behind those walls. He would rather be in a relationship with all of these negative feelings, than to choose intimacy and love and connection. The fact that he is breaking things off means he is getting uncomfortable…which is exactly what he needs in order to grow. But instead, he is just starting with someone new. With someone new, he doesn’t have to face all of his shit. He gets to just be wonderful and NOT FEEL that darkness that lives within him. This is who he is. This is how he will always handle his life. So again, is this the kind of love you want to experience in your life? I know there are a lot of great things between you guys that is worth fighting for. You wouldn’t love him, if there weren’t those wonderful things. Unfortunately, the darkness is big enough that it’s destroying the light. So this is about you fighting for the light within you MORE than trying to fight the darkness that is prevailing in this very broken relationship.
I still want to encourage you to tell your family. You need support. Let your mom worry and get it over with. You are only delaying the inevitable. The sooner you tell them, the sooner you can all move forward TOGETHER. This relationship is over and it’s important for your growth and acceptance of that, to let your family know and start to plan a way to create separate spaces. I know this is not what you want to hear. I’m being a bit more strong this time around so you really get what is happening here. He is gone. He is choosing another woman, because he is choosing not to face how he is feeling inside. He gets to do that. Now it’s about you accepting that this is who he is choosing to be and it’s time for you to go and no longer have to witness this.
Heidi
Hi Virginia,
We are really glad you here! Thank you for sharing your questions and your story. You are asking some really great questions. I’m not sure you will like my answers though, as they are not very fun answers and not what most people are willing to do.
First, considering your traumas and tendency to become co-dependent (meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself) in a relationship, it’s important for you to protect yourself until you are able to heal enough to be more balanced.
How to be a friend and also be attractive? Which means: how can I behave as casual and romantically disinterested, as a friend is, while I am potentially and naturally attracted to him and I would like to be seduced? Do the two situations exclude the other? This is not possible. Do you really want to just pretend to be a friend with him? Guys can pick up on that. Most people can. You may THINK you are being a good faker, but the true energy always leaks out in ways you are not aware of.
do you have advice on what is the middle way between intellectual and heartful? Maybe knowing how commonly men behave towards people like me, would help me in understand how to embody the middle way: I want to encourage you to just be yourself. When you are just being yourself, and then a guy likes you and is attracted to you, you will know it’s because he likes the REAL you and not something else you are trying to be. Your focus is on “how to be” a certain way so you can please men and attract them. That is a co-dependent kind of approach. You are thinking about how to meet a man’s needs at the expense of just being yourself. What is MOST attractive to the right kind of man FOR YOU…is that you are solid and strong in who you are. You are confident that who you are, your best self and your worst self, is worth loving and knowing. You KNOW you are a great catch. You KNOW that any man who gets to have you, is very lucky and you expect to be treated as such.
This guy you just met IS NOT THAT GUY! Run away from him! You are letting your feelings of connection lead you into a VERY hurtful situation. He has a girlfriend. He is NOT available. Besides, even if you did get his attention, then what? If he is cheating on her, he will cheat on you! Our feelings that get activated in the beginning are just feelings without any substance. That’s why it’s so important to date for a while. Dating is about putting some substance to those feelings of connection – or not. This guy is just playing games and he is someone you need to stay far away from. Being that you are easily influenced by him, because of how he makes you feel, the best thing you can do is just stay away completely. Otherwise, you will not be able to resist him as he keeps making advances towards you. Set your boundary strong on this. You are playing with fire by staying “friends” with this guy. You are also going to be involved in breaking another woman’s heart. Choose to care enough about how you affect their relationship by staying away.
(Does this chemistry disappear as well, the more we get to know details of each others?) It depends on the couple. I have seen and experienced that chemistry disappearing in a matter of seconds. I have also seen that chemistry grow into something deeper and more bonding. I have seen that chemistry stay. It just depends on the personality of the couple and what they do for each other and how they treat each other. I’ve talked to couples who have been together for decades and I hear both answers. I hear that yes, they still get butterflies with each other and I hear no, no more butterflies, but there is a deep bond.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Katherine! Welcome!
I can feel your heart breaking into a million pieces. I am soooo so sorry for what you are having to go through. It’s is awful to watch someone slip through your fingers and not be able to do anything about it. You are feeling powerless and that is one of the hardest, most painful feelings to accept and embrace. Let’s walk through all of this.
He had again internalized his thoughts and didn’t share these things with me until they had boiled over and he had overthought. This kind of coping mechanism is extremely damaging to any relationship. It doesn’t matter how amazing things are when they are good, it doesn’t matter how much YOU do to be a better partner, it doesn’t matter how long you have been together – how he handles stress is a coping mechanism that breaks connection. He is “stonewalling” you. He is staying silent, letting his feelings fester, then releasing a bomb on you. Not only is he dumping a year’s worth of thoughts and feelings into your lap, but he is also blaming you for how he is feeling, as if you are supposed to know, read the signals, be better for him etc. Whaaaaat??? You are NOT a mind reader and he is expecting you to be. Regardless, he is NOT communicating until his boiling point and that is a HUGE RED FLAG. Then he criticizes you for everything you are doing and somehow playing the victim in this scenario. Where is he taking responsibility for what is happening?? Here is a very basic article that explains 4 conflict styles that are guaranteed to ruin a relationship.
He knows that I am the type of person that relies on physical as well as verbal signals. This is unrealistic. It’s not EITHER of your jobs to figure anything out or read signals. It’s your job and his job to communicate what you are feeling – end of story. For you or him to expect you to read signals is silly. It’s not your job to try and figure out what he is feeling.
He was again angry hurt upset about the situation and pointed out all the faults that I had made but didn’t admit to any fault of his own. This is pretty narcissistic. He spends all these months, reeling in his mind, creating these stories about you and everything YOU are doing to cause him hurt. He feels completely okay putting all the blame on you and he is VERY convinced of his stories – and leaves no room for how he is part of his unhappiness. A person like this is EXTREMELY fragile. This kind of person cannot handle really looking at their own limitations, how they are causing hurt, and how they are messing up. A person like this can’t handle being “imperfect.” I used to be like this. I used to always find blame in another so I didn’t have to take it on. It’s quite the cozy way to cope to get to point the finger at everyone else, except yourself. I was empty inside though. I didn’t have a very strong internal self-esteem and that’s why I needed to point the finger at everyone else. He has been coping this way his whole life and it will never change, unless he decides it’s a coping mechanism he wants to shift. You can do anything and everything to get him back, but it will not change that he will do this again and again and again and again.
I will spend the rest of my life fighting for him but I think he dose not believe it. Here is a hard truth – you can spend the rest of your life fighting for this guy, but if he isn’t willing to fight for himself and willing to fight to become a better partner – you are just fighting to stay in the same situation. I think it was Einstein that said “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.” That is all you would be doing with him. Here is an analogy I like to use. Imagine I am giving you the very best ingredients possible to make a gorgeous cake. BUT….one of the ingredients that MUST be included, is 2 cups of shit. (The cake is the relationship and the ingredients represent what you both put into the relationship) Do you really think that even with all the best ingredients plus the 2 cups of shit, that you will be able to make a delicious cake??? It’s impossible. No matter what you do, no matter how many other ingredients you try and put into that cake, it’s going to taste horrible. It can look beautiful, but it will taste horrible. That is what is happening here. You are able to recognize the shit that’s there and are willing to work on it…he is not. So that just means you will spend “the rest of your life” trying to add more and more ingredients, trying to find different ingredients, trying to find new recipes to make it taste better – all the while he is still handing you 2 cups of shit because he doesn’t want to do the work, nor believes he needs to.
my family does not know about the first separation nor do they know about the current one we are keeping it from them its bad I know and really f***** up I don’t want them to worry or break their hearts. I want to encourage you to tell your family. You need support through this. Stop worrying about their hearts and instead start taking care of yours. You need a place to cry, you need a place to talk, you need support. This is devastating and family/friends are so important for support, love, and care. Trust they will be okay!
I know this is not what you want to here. I’m not saying things can’t turn around, but what I am saying is that they won’t as long as he keeps blaming you for his misery. If he is willing to work on HIMSELF and really face his MAJOR contributions to things breaking…then you have a chance.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I was curious if you sensed this “wall” in any of his actions, but with you saying that HE was the one always saying he doesn’t want to lose you and all the times he was initiating – it just seems like his actions don’t align with the words he is saying now. That’s why I’m wondering if his visits with family and friends changed things for him. Maybe they were all telling him to slow down and he shouldn’t be with anyone right now, maybe there is something you don’t know about him yet, that they do and he is trying to protect you from him, maybe, maybe, maybe….who knows. I just feel like something specific happened on his vacation for it to shift his path with you. Regardless, it doesn’t change what is true….he isn’t available for you.
I totally understand what you are doing and why. It could totally work and over time, he may feel more comfortable stepping into something deeper with you. I do have caution flags for you though – there is a danger here of you investing in this idea that he could eventually come around – what if he doesn’t? Even if you spend the next 3 months staying connected to him and hoping for something to come out of this, that’s 3 months of you NOT doing the real work of letting him go. I always want to encourage people to stay present. If you were truly investing your focus in the present moment, then the present means he is not available…end of story. I think it’s best to start working on letting him go now and letting go of the idea that you guys could be together down the road. When you let go of that idea, you will be able to develop a true friendship (with no hidden agenda). You will move on and continue to date – and you will heal from this loss. At some point down the road, if he decides he has enough feelings for you and wants more, then you can decide what to do at that point. But if he never takes that step, then you will be no worse off, because you haven’t been “hoping” for anything. I personally would just spend some time away from him, feel the loss of him, heal from the loss of him and THEN enter back into a friendship.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Natalia,
Welcome! Thank you for coming here and sharing your question and story with us! I know it’s incredibly difficult to really connect with a guy who isn’t on the same page as you are. You are wanting to settle down and he isn’t ready and that’s really hard to deal with.
Let me just ask a few questions. First, what were your small fights about? How did you guys work through it? (i.e. talking, yelling, snipping at each other)
The thing is, you are wanting to settle down with him and step into something more serious, but you guys barely know each other. I think your first step is to slow things down in your mind. The beginning phases of meeting someone is all about discovering if your world and his world can work well together…in a healthy, nourishing, and respectful way. This takes quite a bit of time. I always tell people that when you choose who you are going to let in on the deeper, more sacred levels of your heart, you need to choose them according to who they are in their worst moments, not their best moments. Meaning…you have NO IDEA what he is like when he is angry, stressed, hurt, resentful etc. You don’t know how he treats you, how he treats himself, and how he works through those kinds of moments. Who he is in his worst moments is what will make or break the relationship. He could be abusive, he could be critical, he could be the stonewalling type and all of those behaviors are so incredibly damaging and DO NOT support a relationship that can last. So I just want to slow you down a bit and get you into the mindset of expecting him to earn the right of your heart. You are wanting to give it to him sooooo easily.
He is in the knight phase and you DO NOT want to cut that short. It’s a phase HE needs to come out of naturally, not something YOU do for him. If you try to force him out earlier than when he is ready to, you will break the connection.
The very best thing you can do for him right now, is to ACCEPT him and LISTEN to him. He is NOT ready for a relationship. He is NOT sure that when he is, you will be that person for him. And that’s appropriate because he doesn’t know you that well. It also sounds like he is still recovering from his broken engagement. How long ago did they break up? Do you know why? How long were they together?
When you accept where he is at and give him the space to just be there, instead of trying to figure out ways to get him to move faster, it will establish safety for him. He needs to feel that you listen to him. He needs to experience you respecting his boundaries and not asking for more than what he is willing to give. This is so important for a person to know in order to feel safe with someone. If all you are doing is trying to push YOUR agenda onto him, he will feel that and continue to put walls up and eventually will disconnect.
What’s important to know now, is what YOU want. If he is not available for a relationship right now, then what does that mean for you? He can’t give you what you want right now, and who knows if he ever will…does that change anything for you? Are you willing to keep investing in this guy who is on a different page than you? Or maybe you are willing to slow things down in your mind and just get to know him for a while to see if he is a good person to truly invest in.
Thoughts?
Heidi
If I am understanding you correctly, it sounds like you still have some hope with this guy. It seems like a big part of you is taking a step back and okay with doing the friend thing. It also seems like there is a part of you that is still wanting more and hoping it will happen down the road. It’s like you guys are starting over again and doing it the “right” way with a much slower startup, focusing on friendship, and no sex. Am I understanding correctly?
if I don’t have a spark of love right away, it’s very hard to get it to come. I’m curious what your thoughts are on this.
Heidi
