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Hi Eva,
I know badly you want to have him back in your life. It sounds like you have had a bit of a rollercoaster ride with relationship / dating. You have dealt with a lot of depression and that influences every aspect of your life. Have you ever gotten help for that? Are you on any medications to help you stabilize a bit more?
I’m not entirely clear about what your relationship is with this guy. It sounds like there have just been a lot of games that were played by both of you and it caused some hurt. First things first – he needs to respect you. He needs to see you as a valuable person in his life and not just a sexual partner. It sounds like you know how to lead with your sexuality, but don’t necessarily trust that the other parts of you are just as valuable and important. Have you guys ever hung out, without being sexual? You dated for 2 weeks and you said he brought out the best in you. How can you bring out those parts yourself, without needing him to activate it in you. When you are able to do this, a man will be very attracted to that. When a man sees a woman happy, confident, no games, honest, authentic and he can see that she respects herself, he will get to relax and be at ease because he knows his woman can take care of herself. The moment the woman starts getting “needy” for his attention, his words, his money or whatever…that’s when respect does not exist. A mean needs to EARN your heart. With this guy, it seems like you are just handing it over to him, when you barely know the guy. A woman who highly respects herself and knows that she is a good catch, makes a man feel like he has to work to get her attention. From what you have shared, it doesn’t sound like you feel like that about yourself.
How do you feel about yourself? Tell me your top 5 favorite qualities you like about yourself and 5 of your least favorite qualities.
I’m not sure I understand how you guys relate to each other right now. Do you ever see him? It sounds like Instagram is the only form of connection at this point. Yes?
Heidi
For now, i can’t imagine this exercise being necessary at all. I feel like all the people who need to be in my life are already in it Its not about healing so you can have more people in your life. It’s more about healing the beliefs that are judgemental, fearful, angry, hurt etc. All of these lower vibrations affect EVERYTHING in our lives – like the sore you had in your mouth. Those are “sores” in our energetic, spiritual, emotional bodies and it touches every aspect of our lives. Here is the challenge though – you are so used to feeling this way that you don’t even notice the impact it is having on you. It’s kind of like asking a fish to explain water – it doesn’t know any different, so it can’t explain what water really is. I know you feel it isn’t necessary and there is some truth to that. You are happy with your life the way it is. It still doesn’t change that you are carrying some very deep wounds/traumas and those traumas are like a backpack that you carry everywhere you go. Someday and at some point, if you want deeper healing, you will need to dive into those beliefs, wounds, hurts, anger etc. But like I’ve said, you need to have someone you trust who knows how to navigate that territory in the subconscious really well.
So many times, i’ve wondered why i don’t just drop it and look for a man who is in a place to fit into my picture. And then, i feel the loss of JB. There are 3 significant parts in a relationship that need to be cared for…ALWAYS. 1. you 2. him 3. the relationship. People don’t really understand that you can like or even love the person you are with, but they don’t like/love the relationship that is created together. If someone is going to truly love and have it be a healthy, vibrant, nourishing love, it HAS to be a love that includes all 3 components, without exception. Loving him or the relationship needs to be a loving thing to do for yourself. If loving him and loving the relationship = loving yourself, then you are good to go! Most people are missing at least 2 of the categories of love and a relationship will never last that way. So the picture you create for yourself is about the relationship itself. It’s less about the guy and more about the lifestyle you want to have with him. It’s that life, the relationship, that feeds the both of you. It’s the lifestyle you create together that is uniquely designed by each couple. How well people care for it…or not – will determine their success. And how well people care for it is reflective of how much they love themselves and how much baggage they are carrying around.
IF he truly IS like a wild animal that is learning to trust me – then i don’t want to ever capture him and curb his freedom. But then, what if this wild animal wants to take me along on one of his adventures? Why am i on the sidelines, waiting for him to visit me? When i pondered that, i realized i was a trapped animal. I am tethered to something that is preventing me from running wild and free with him! He keeps coming back to see if i’m free to run with him, and i am still not free! I’m a bit confused. I thought you and JB are just friends. You are saying he keeps coming back to see if you are free to run with him, but you are not free…what does that mean? From his actions of what you are telling me, you are in the friend zone and he doesn’t see you as a romantic partner – and if I remember correctly, you are not sure how you feel about being romantic with him. What am I missing?
But that didn’t inspire me into action, as much as running wild and free with a wild horse does! lol 🙂 When he comes, i want to be ready! Are you talking about JB or just a man in general? You are ready Vino! When the right man shows up into your life, he will be able to inspire you to move mountains with him. Kids, work, weight etc….all that stuff won’t matter because those are all just excuses. The truth is, you can create whatever it is that you want…when you want it bad enough, no matter what is standing in the way.
Heidi
I wish I could see the pic too! It would be interesting to see what “dark” looks like to you. You can totally trust what you are sensing or you can give him the benefit of the doubt. I personally like to test myself, to see if I’m right. Maybe reach out to him and start a conversation and see what happens. It’s all part of you developing your skillset in how to read people, communicate, set boundaries etc.
I’m so sorry about Trav. I know you get really worried about him. Whenever I am having to look at failure and deal with it, I like to look to role models. Abraham Lincoln is probably my favorite. Here is a list of his failures and successes. http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/education/failures.htm Maybe send him stuff like this, where he can see that learning to be resilient is the gift of failure – and that’s all that’s happening for him right now. He is learning to be resilient and fight for his life…no matter what. It’s a normal part of life and a very important skill that he will use forever – it’s just being developed right now.
Heidi
Oh thank you! Not much of a celebration this year, but I don’t mind. It was super quiet and peaceful. I got to spend it on a ranch while taking care of some horses and cats, at the base of beautiful mountains. No complaints here!
I totally get how it can be a bit difficult to not be able to act 100% like yourself. There is so much you used to share with him. You were open and connective and sharing a lot with him…and now that’s changed. You miss that getting feel what that feels like. You miss that side of you. I think that is the hardes part of any breakup – missing that parts of yourself that you liked to feel with that person. I have no doubt Jonathon is feeling a BIG absence of you in his life. I’m glad he is still reaching out a bit. He truly does care about you being in his life. It will be interesting what happens over time.
Your friend sounds like she has very strong narcissistic tendencies. That is an extremely difficult kind of person to be in a real relationship with. You have to learn that you can’t expect much from them. And wow…she’s pregnant! I hope she has a smooth pregnancy.
Heidi
Hi Vino! Happy turkey day! I’m not sure if you and your family celebrate it, but at the very least, I hope you are having a beautiful day off.
Your dream interpretation sounds wonderful. It sounds like you have turned it into something that really brings comfort to you.
Dreams are so interesting, right? There are so many ways to interpret them. Sometimes it’s the subconscious expressing itself, sometimes they are predictive, sometimes there are specific messages trying to be communicated. There are many perspectives and it’s definitely an area that you could spend years studying. I have a friend who is just starting on the path of studying her dreams and taking a course on it. She dreams A LOT and they are pretty vivid, so I think it’s something that will serve her to understand more about what’s happening. What is the name of the book that you got from that guy?
This was really helpful to me. Not just because it is sound Solid advice, but because — i’m already doing that. lol 🙂 I’m glad this is what you are already doing. If you feel like going a level deeper into your healing, then it would be really working with your general, deeper, core beliefs about Indians, women, and Ethiopians where there are judgments, walls, anger etc. But like I’ve said before, you’ll dive into it when you are ready and when you have someone to help support you through the process.
Heidi
Heidi
Hi Jacinda,
This is a great question! First, let’s really look at the words “I’m sorry.” It’s not uncommon for people who have co-dependent tendencies like yourself, to overuse that phrase. Saying I’m sorry needs to be reserved for things you are actually sorry for. And just saying I’m sorry doesn’t mean anything until you even say what you are sorry for. Saying sorry in healthy ways are either used to apologize for a wrongdoing or used for empathy. So when your husband got a mouse in his lunch, the fact that you cussed and it worked a little better, that’s telling you he is more interested in you joining him in his frustrations than you just saying sorry – because what are you actually sorry for? So cussing was validating him and that’s what he wants. You could say “Oh man! Again? I am so sorry you have to keep to dealing with this. It’s so gross and disgusting.” That’s how you would want to use the phrase I’m sorry in this situation. Or…maybe just practice not saying it at all. I’m guessing you overuse the phrase, therefore it doesn’t really have any purpose or effect on him. So maybe work on NOT saying I’m sorry and only start to use it sparingly. It will force you into finding other ways to say things.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Allegra,
I’m wondering if you would be willing to date with a different mindset. You are wanting to find someone you can share your life with, but you have never been in a relationship before. That means, there are a lot of skills you have never developed, there are a lot of feelings inside of you that you are not aware of (because they have never been triggered), and there is whole different side to yourself that you have never met before.
The pursuit of love is a unique path. Dating, romance, love….all these things are the ONLY keys to unlocking certain parts of yourself. Dating is where you start. I have been on hundreds of dates over the years and dated for different kinds of reasons. Dating is a GREAT way to practice certain skills like communication. It’s a great way to discover where you are judgmental towards yourself and others. It’s a great way to see what your triggers are – just like how you got so anxious you couldn’t sleep with Kyle.
Let’s take Kyle for example. You barely know the guy yet you completely lost yourself in the prospect of just meeting up with him. So I would venture to guess that your “indifference” is more of a coping mechanism vs. being truly indifferent. Feeling indifferent, for me, is also one of my coping mechanisms. It gets tricky though because at first, I can’t tell if I am truly indifferent of if my system is shutting off so I don’t have feel whatever is buried. There are certain things I do for myself to test which one it is. You barely know yourself when it comes to dating and relationships – so as you open the door, you are going to discover that maybe you aren’t as indifferent as you thought. Just stay open and receive everything that comes up for you. This is whole side of yourself that you need to get to know.
Would you be open to dating just to practice? I’ve been on a gazillion dates where I was never attracted to the guy, but I was practicing specific things. I was developing my relationship skills. I was developing my self-esteem. I was developing my perspectives. Dating doesn’t have to be about romance all the time. Being that you are brand new to this, it might be good to just get out and get to know this brand new side of you. Forget about the physical. That’s something you do not need to talk about on a first, second, or even 3rd date – if it gets that far. Go discover what you like and don’t like with each guy. Go discover what you like and don’t like about yourself as you interact with different cultures and personalities.
Also, I know you have not had sex yet, but have you connected with your body sexually? Are you familiar with yourself sexually at all?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Yep! Totally makes sense. Tim is unusual. Most people, when they are dating, will date more than 1 person at a time. I understand it’s just not who he is. So he is dating you, but exclusively. So if that’s true, then what do you need to have a conversation with him for? You are getting everything you want and he is only dating you. It’s obvious it has shifted from friends with benefits into something much deeper. He is treating you and acting like he is falling for you. So I wonder what the next steps are in HIS mind. I think for you, you just want to know he is taking you seriously and you are not just some fling anymore. But I wonder what the next steps are for him. Maybe to officially ask you to be his girlfriend? Did you guys ever talk about this?
Heidi
https://youtu.be/TfOE5ykj7EQ Brene Brown truly says this so beautifully. Maybe this will help you understand on a deeper level of the path I am guiding you towards.
https://youtu.be/TfOE5ykj7EQ Just thought this might be helpful
https://youtu.be/TfOE5ykj7EQ Just thought this might be helpful
I still don’t want to pressure him and don’t need him to say yes to a relationship yet. But I at least would like him to agree that we’re officially or exclusively dating. This is contradictory. Dating exclusively IS a relationship. It’s a committed relationship. So it’s important for you to be VERY CLEAR about what you want before talking to him.
It sounds like he might be just about there. How about you hold off for a little longer. It would be REALLY great if HE was the one to take that step with you. From what it sounds like, he isn’t dating anyone else and you guys are spending a ton of time together, so you have what you want already. You guys JUST entered into this phase maybe a month or so ago. So maybe let him live here a little bit with you and give him a little more time. Maybe give him 2 or 3 more dates? I feel like he may actually take that step and it feels important for him to do that. But it’s also important to honor how you are feeling. So this is really up to you. I would NOT go into any kind of explanation of how the dates are feeling to you. Again, I think the strategy here, if you are the one to bring this up, is to just start the conversation and let him take it from there. That way, it can still feel like HIS idea. So again, all you need is 1 or 2 sentences to get it started and then follow him from there. So be super simple – “Tim, you told me to let you know when I couldn’t be just friends with you anymore. I’m at that point now. I’m really bonding deeply with you now and I need to let you know that.” And just leave it at that. It’s a very low-pressure statement and allows him to hear how YOU are feeling vs. what you want from him – which is where the pressure comes in.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Does this make sense?
Hi Denise,
Welcome! We are really glad you are here with your questions. Let me see if I understand correctly. You guys were together around 6 years, of which the first 3 months were great and then it all changed. You are currently broken up and wanting to get back together. Yes?
In all of your “research” did you happen to ever look deeply into narcissism and co-dependency? Because that’s exactly what it sounds like from how you are describing your relationship. Narcissism is meeting the needs of yourself, at the expense of the other. Co-dependency is meeting the needs of the other, at the expense of yourself. He sounds very narcissistic and you are definitely playing the co-dependent role.
The thing is Denise, you want to call this love, but this is called trama love. It’s the kind of love that keeps you bonded through trauma. It’s the kind of love that draws a person into a relationship through their own wounds. So it’s a very dysfunctional, harmful kind of connection that is called “love” but it’s not really love. It’s just a wounded part of ourselves, chasing after some kind of resolution from our past.Real love is when you are able to love someone and it’s actually loving to yourself to love them. I always ask people, “Is it a loving, kind, caring thing to YOURSELF to love this person?” If the answer is yes, you are on a good path.
You are wanting to step back into an abusive relationship where you felt small, ugly, and unimportant. You had health challenges, you are blamed for ALL of his misery, and the only way for him to be happy is for YOU to change. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but there is NO POSSIBILITY for you to be happy and feel fulfilled in this kind of design. I don’t care how much you change, it’s not going to change that he is a narcissist and an abuser. That lives within HIM and you cannot change him. He gets to be that way and he is not going to change. If you want to step back into a relationship with this guy, you are going to end up hating yourself again, having health issues again, and being entirely miserable. There is NOTHING healthy about this relationship for you.
There is a question I always ask someone wanting to step back into an unhealthy relationship. What is it that he is giving you that you are not willing to give yourself? My guess is, you were abused in some sort of way which is why you stuck with this guy in the first place and want to get back with him. These wounds of yours need healing. If you get back with him, you will just end up continually abusing yourself and continuing the cycle that your parents, or someone, started in the first place. Break the cycle. Do not treat yourself the way you were treated as a child. Fight for more in your life! Can you get with a therapist? Is this something you are willing to do?
Heidi
You refuse to be happy, that’s your choice, you want to focus on the negative in your life and keep on complaining that’s your choice, and so on…I can listen but I am choosing that it will not impact me anymore. I want you to stand on top of a mountain and scream this! Every single person needs to get this!!!!! Yes! Yes! Yes! It made me excited when you said this 🙂
The man who actually captures your heart fully and completely and knows how to take care of it…he will be a very lucky man!!!
You have done a lot of work! I just now remembered when you first joined. You are such a different person these days. So much more grounded in the truth and in yourself. Well done!Heidi
But I’m wondering if it has something to do with males generally wanting a challenge and its a challenge to see if they can make this person happy Yes, there is a flavor of this for sure. But let’s go one step deeper as well. Just look at the basic idea that we all attract and will stay with someone who treats us the way we believe we should be treated and what we feel comfortable with. So a man who is attracted to the woman wearing the pants, is a man is mostly co-dependent and who probably grew up with a very domineering critical household. So Will’s girlfriend is probably similar to how his mother treated him. When you grow up in a really intense household, your entire body adapts to that level of adrenaline. Your nervous system gets used to being elevated. So when we get to adulthood, we will very naturally and subconsciously create a life that keeps us elevated, because that is what feels normal and comfortable to us. We will seek out ways to continue the adrenaline dumping. Anything easier than that “normal” will actually take the body into a feeling of depression. Of course people are not aware they are doing this. This is just the physical response we are having – then you add the layers of emotional and spiritual on top and you have a hot mess just creating another hot mess with someone else – over and over and over again.
That is great that while you were observing, you were learning how to understand them. What do you think it means about Ed that he tends to slam people with a wink or a smile?
Lazy days happen. I know I wouldn’t have gotten out with 35mph winds – even if it were sunny!
Heidi
