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As long as i have kids who aren’t stable, i cannot be available to build a relationship with a man. And i can’t give someone just bits and pieces of my life, it has to be ALL! or else i’d feel like i’m not whole-hearted. A man, especially one without kids of his own, WOULD be available to me fully, but i wouldn’t be available to him, and that isn’t right. This is an interesting belief you have! Let’s explore this more. I wonder where this belief is coming from, because it isn’t true. You ARE building a relationship with a man…JB. Are you not giving him ALL that you have? I know it’s platonic, but the thing is, romantic relationships are built uniquely to each couple. Each couple decides what works and doesn’t work for them, right? So what if you come across a man, who doesn’t have any kids, but maybe he travels a lot. Is it not possible to build a romantic relationship with a guy who travels a lot? The truth is, you can be available for your kids AND build a romantic relationship at the same time. Plenty of people do it. And they give all they have to BOTH and it’s all good! So I’m curious…tell me why you feel you cannot do this? I know you believe if you are there for your kids, that means you are not whole hearted for a relationship, so tell me more about this.
i don’t know. i don’t want to be a burden. and i don’t know how not to be a burden. Man…I understand this belief. I have this one too. A lot of people do actually. It’s a pretty strong core program people have in general. I wonder where this started and why it’s so common. This is also not a true statement. The truth is, you cannot tell someone else how they feel. YOU may feel like a burden with your needs, but your friend or partner may actually feel delighted to help you with your needs. If your needs are a burden to someone, then you are not with the right person. Your needs are a gift. Your needs create opportunities for your friends and partners to activate their giving spirit. Doesn’t it feel good to help someone??? That’s what your needs do! Your needs are important, valuable, and in service to humanity. Your needs bring out the good in others. This is the truth. You believe you are a burden and that is a lie you are giving authority in your life. Do you see how this is connected and part of the story you have running in your system that “your life has no value and is meaningless?”
Even if there is no value in either activity (in the ultimate grand scale of things) – i would rather get out of bed and do a few things than stay in bed and do nothing. This is beautiful! Well done!!! You are choosing small moments of joy and life in the midst of depression. You are incredibly strong. You are impacting this world more than you realize. Have you watched “what the bleep” yet? Science is actually showing how connected we all are…we are all in a unified field and EVERY SINGLE thought, feeling, decision we make contributes and affects the whole. I know you are not really connected to this concept and that’s okay. Your choices are powerful. I’d have to say, the one thing that my mom role modeled for me growing up, is she never gave up. It was a hard life, but she still chose to be there for me. She still chose to get up and fight for herself so she could be there for me. She still chose love. It gave me strength, so you are role modeling for your children what resilience looks like. They are lucky to have you!
On the other hand, if i cut him out of my life to pursue someone i can have a relationship with right away, then, i always be left wondering about him and he’ll haunt me forever. i’ve never regretted giving. I’ve always regretted holding back. He doesn’t have to haunt you forever. If he does, then that’s a choice you are making to allow that. JB is what he is. He may never step into something romantic with you, because that is not how he feels about you. Maybe he will someday. Who knows. Either way, right now he is important in your life and you are important in his….until something changes that. Relationships are always changing and morphing into something different. If you CHOOSE regret, then you get to torture yourself. You do have the power to choose to release the energy of regret and be free from it though. It’s up to you.
WHY does a busy man need another friend in his life? I take up his time. I don’t understand why he keeps in touch. I could give you a million reasons why he values you and he could do the same. But you are not asking this question from your mind because there is a lack of understanding. You are asking this question from your heart – from that spot in you that doesn’t see your value. We see your value, but it’s not until you are able to see your own value that you will even believe what we have to say. I guarantee this “spot” you refer to, is where the trauma with women, Ethiopians, and Indians live. It’s quite a powerful spot. We all have these spots, don’t we?
Heidi
Hi Sherry,
I’m so sorry for what you are going through, but it sounds like you are learning…which is always a good sign!
The thing is, most guys are not interested in stepping into the same situation. Most guys get REALLY tired of the loop of drama – so if you want to get him back, it’s about showing him that you are interested in shifting that loop of drama. I’m glad you had some realizations, but that doesn’t mean you have actually changed. Learning is the first step of course, but it’s when you are able to take that learning and actually APPLY it, where the change takes place. This is actually the hardest part.
Why not invite him to dinner. Go somewhere nice or somewhere beautiful that you both will enjoy. He will be much more willing to listen if you can SHOW him what you have been doing. You have gained new insight…how? Did you read a book or something? Do you have a therapist?
At this point, words are just words. Your best bet is to show him ACTION. He needs to SEE and FEEL that you are not interested in the loop of drama anymore either and that you are ready to take ACTION to shift it. What would those actions be? Maybe start seeing a therapist or coach. Maybe start reading books, maybe suggest going through a book together. Maybe attend a couple’s retreat or find classes to go to together.
Are you willing to take action?
Heidi
Maybe that means that I have to have some form of romantic relationship with them before I’ll be comfortable being intimate. I won’t know until that time comes. You have some kind of belief about sex. What is it? What is your belief about sex and when and how it’s supposed to happen? What do you think needs to be in place for you to feel comfortable having sex with someone?
I don’t think there is something missing in me that allows me to keep it from being light. I just don’t feel dating to date is what I want. Why not? What do you think dating is, that makes you not want it?
Here is something important to understand about ourselves….it’s estimated that around 80% of what we do, feel, believe, act like etc. is being driven by subconscious beliefs, programs and thoughts. It’s so fascinating! I’m wondering what subconscious patterns, beliefs, and programs are influencing how you have designed your romantic life. The only way we are able to discover what is in our subconscious, is to look at the clues of our life design and start to put the pieces of the puzzle together to create a bigger, more understandable picture.
Here are the clues:
1. You have never dated and never FELT like you wanted to – for a very long time, you never FELT like you wanted to be romantic with anyone. It COULD be just who you are – or – it COULD be a protective reaction to your life. I know for me, there have been PLENTY of times that my “not feeling interested” was actually a coping mechanism. That’s why I am saying this COULD be a clue for you. “Not feeling” COULD be a clue, but you don’t really know until you dig a lot deeper.
2. You don’t want to date – you only want a relationship – you have never been in a relationship before and you have never dated, so there is a whole undiscovered part of you that you have no idea about – yet you are not interested in dating. You only want to fall in love. That makes me wonder why. What is your resistance to dating? This clue could lead you deeper into some of your subconscious beliefs that you don’t know are there.
3. You had an intense anxiety reaction to meeting up with a guy for the first time that were texting with This is the BIGGEST clue. Your anxiety is a symptom of how deeply you are afraid. When fear is this big, our emotional system will shut down in order to cope. For the first time, you were stepping into something potentially romantic and it created a pathway for the anxiety to show up. The level that it showed up at, was pretty intense, which just tells me how much fear you are carrying about intimacy/romance etc. It completely disrupted your life. It was so big that you couldn’t sleep for a few days and it disrupted your happiness. This kind of reaction is much bigger than normal low self-esteem or insecurity. It’s indicative of something bigger going on that you haven’t quite connected to. Just something to think about and possibly explore.None of these clues are bad or wrong. They are just expressions of some story/belief you have about yourself and romance and intimacy. Here is the thing. What you FEEL are not the facts. What we feel in any given situation is a culmination of all kinds of our thoughts and feelings about ourselves and others and whatever is happening in the situation. Our feelings are NOT the facts…they are just our expression of the story we have created about what’s happening. This is always true, until we explore our feelings deeper. You don’t FEEL like you want to date, but how deeply have you explored that? How deeply have you gone into yourself to truly explore your ideas about love, dating, relationships, sex etc. I cannot tell you how many times I have felt soooo solid about something – very clear about what I wanted – and then I discovered there was a deeper, subconscious belief influencing what I was feeling. Once I connected with it, what I felt instantly changed. This is why I am saying that feelings/emotions are not the facts – they are just expressions of OUR story we have created – not necessarily the truth.
One of the ways to truly discover what you are feeling, is to step into what you resist. For example, why not just date? Why not go on several dates and start to practice certain skills that you need to develop for relationship anyways? Why not start to discover what you like and don’t like with dating by actually DOING it – and see what feelings come up for you? There is a whole undiscovered side to you that is emerging for the first time. Why not go explore that side of yourself by just being more social with men…that’s all dating is…it’s just being social with a guy.
Thoughts?
Heidi
okay! That’s a start! It sounds like you guys are on the same page.
For some reason though, I have a feeling it’s not quite what you wanted. For some reason, it feels like something might be missing here. Is that how you feel? I don’t know…it’s just my intuition.
I feel like you may have gotten what you wanted, but you also have some thoughts about it, more than what you shared? I don’t know…just a feeling, so I thought I’d check.
Heidi
I am soooo so sorry for what you are dealing with. It is so incredibly heartbreaking to watch someone we deeply care about, throw their life away. It’s awful and is such a powerless feeling.
I know it’s not my fault but I feel responsible I followed what my therapist said and I hurt him this bad. He’s doing things that are so out of character for him that he hasn’t done since his 20’s and he’s now 48. This is not the man I love. He is not this way. He would not even look at another woman because he loved and respected me. but this drug has a hold of him. I want to encourage you to trust yourself. Leaving probably saved your life. Whatever was happening that caused your therapist to encourage you to leave, I have no doubt was a serious thing. You need to protect yourself and fight for your life BEFORE you can try and fight for his.
His happiness is NOT your responsibility. If he is going down this path, it is a part of him that he needed to give life. This IS who he is. This IS the man you love. This has been living inside of him for a very long time and is now finally coming out. If you hadn’t left when you did, I have no doubt you would be spiraling down with him, even moreso than what you are dealing with now. You are not God here. You believe that if you hadn’t left, he wouldn’t be going down this path and it’s just simply not true. You do not have THAT much power to change what lives inside of someone else.
There is no way around the truth that he has to be the one to help himself. He is not in enough pain yet. He is not suffering enough yet. One day, when he reaches the bottom and he is in enough pain, he will start to make some different decisions. And yes, it’s possible he may never reach that point and he will choose to die instead. That’s the reality for substance abuse addicts.
Right now, you are soooo tied to him that you don’t know how to find your own happiness and your own life, separate than HIS suffering. His pain is your pain. I know you love him and feel very bonded to him. It’s time for you to create a different way to relate with him. Confronting him isn’t working. It just makes him angrier and causes you to start to harm yourself. What if you become the role model instead? What if you really started to get your life together and started to heal? Many times, men respond better to watching their woman make changes and that activates something inside of them to also want to change. Is that something you are willing to do?
You have a choice to make here. You have to fight for more in your life or you will go down spiraling with him. What kind of life do you want? Do you want to fight for happiness? Or do you want to stay in a relationship with suffering, just like he is?
Heidi
Hi Mandie,
I’m so sorry to hear this! It’s so awful that you are having to deal with such toxicity. I’m curious how the relationship was. If he grew up in that kind of environment, I have no doubt some of that would end up showing up in the relationship. How long were you dating before things went south? Do you know why they disliked you so much?
Honestly, it’s NOT about his family. This is about HIM. He has not separated enough from his family to allow himself to build his life the way he wants. He is still giving a ton of his power to his family. So in a situation like this, it means that any woman who comes into his life, will also be in a relationship with the family because he has not fully separated from them yet. He still has a lot of growing up to do. So he either needs to find a woman who his family agrees with or he needs to build his strength and self-esteem to be a completely independent adult. That’s a HUGE undertaking – either way…do you really want to fight for a guy who isn’t able to fight for himself on this level? At this point, being with him means being with his family.
Thoughts?
Heidi
But I do agree he is trying to be motivated by a desire to help me and in his words, “get me to a place of freedom”. He has a background in counseling, and as I said he feels like it’s his role to fix things with me, which I really do not agree with. He is living in quite an illusion if he believes that his motivation for fixing you is because he is caring about you. Anytime we are trying to “fix” someone else, it’s really trying to fix ourselves THROUGH the other person. It’s a false belief that if the OTHER person changes he will get to feel happier. His need to “fix” you is a sign of how unhappy he actually is – but he isn’t willing to take responsibility for that.
I struggle the most with insecurity and I want to stop being so afraid of disappointing people or feeling like I failed. I want to build confidence in myself that I am enough, and I am not broken. I actually like myself, I just have this fear that other people don’t or won’t and so critism (even put nicely) is like cryptonite with me. Okay…here is the target for you. We attract people to treat us the way we treat ourselves. This low self-esteem and fear of disappointing people means that you are probably pretty harsh with yourself. Is your self-talk critical? Is your self-talk judgmental? What is your self-talk like? Now compare your negative self-talk to how your husband is talking to you. Is it similar? He is always wanting you to be “better” and I imagine your self talk is pretty similar. Fear of disappointing someone or not being liked means there is a part of you constantly trying to be perfect so you are liked and accepted and avoiding criticism. When you start to change your self talk and like yourself more…for EXACTLY who you are…then I bet the dynamics between you and your hubby will shift. I’m curious…what do you say back to him when he is picking on you? It sounds like a daily dynamic. One way to shift that dynamic is for you to start to change your response to it. So let’s figure out how we can play with this more and experiment.
I think it would help me so much if he could try a little romance, flowers, dancing, some poetry, sweet notes. But anytime I mention it, even in the most positive way, he says, “I just don’t get the flower (romance) thing”. What is your response to this? What do you say back to him? He is not understanding that it’s not about HIM, it’s about YOU. Maybe you can explain it to him one time. Explain what it feels like for you to receive flowers. Explain what it feels to you when he is romantic and dances with you. Even if he doesn’t understand the why or how it works, he will understand and get connected to your RESPONSE to it. If he were to say something like that to me, I would say “Well, it’s okay that you don’t get it – you don’t need to understand it in order to put a huge smile on my face. But why not experiment and see what happens when you DO do something like this for me. I bet you would like my response to it.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Let me ask you this….is this how you want to be treated? If a guy bails and goes cold after hooking up with you, he is showing you who he REALLY is. Is this the kind of guy you want to hand your heart over to?
Heidi
Hi Allegra,
Just because it’s what your family and relatives have chosen, doesn’t mean that is who you are meant to be as well. Let’s explore this a little more. Why do you think you are not built to date? What do you think is missing in you that prevents you from keeping it light and having different experiences? If you know you shouldn’t base this off of your family, then why are you? What is holding you back?
When you say that you haven’t felt comfortable enough with anyone, what EXACTLY is missing?
With this guy you are sort of talking with, I’m curious what caught your attention with him? When you had the anxiety about meeting him in person, what were you afraid of?
It’s obvious there is a part of you that is incredibly strong and clear and another part of you that is not – at least when it comes to guys. What is happening with that part of you that is feeling insecure? What are those thoughts that are coming up? Do you think it’s this part of you that has never felt comfortable enough to have sex?
Heidi
Hi Eva,
I know badly you want to have him back in your life. It sounds like you have had a bit of a rollercoaster ride with relationship / dating. You have dealt with a lot of depression and that influences every aspect of your life. Have you ever gotten help for that? Are you on any medications to help you stabilize a bit more?
I’m not entirely clear about what your relationship is with this guy. It sounds like there have just been a lot of games that were played by both of you and it caused some hurt. First things first – he needs to respect you. He needs to see you as a valuable person in his life and not just a sexual partner. It sounds like you know how to lead with your sexuality, but don’t necessarily trust that the other parts of you are just as valuable and important. Have you guys ever hung out, without being sexual? You dated for 2 weeks and you said he brought out the best in you. How can you bring out those parts yourself, without needing him to activate it in you. When you are able to do this, a man will be very attracted to that. When a man sees a woman happy, confident, no games, honest, authentic and he can see that she respects herself, he will get to relax and be at ease because he knows his woman can take care of herself. The moment the woman starts getting “needy” for his attention, his words, his money or whatever…that’s when respect does not exist. A mean needs to EARN your heart. With this guy, it seems like you are just handing it over to him, when you barely know the guy. A woman who highly respects herself and knows that she is a good catch, makes a man feel like he has to work to get her attention. From what you have shared, it doesn’t sound like you feel like that about yourself.
How do you feel about yourself? Tell me your top 5 favorite qualities you like about yourself and 5 of your least favorite qualities.
I’m not sure I understand how you guys relate to each other right now. Do you ever see him? It sounds like Instagram is the only form of connection at this point. Yes?
Heidi
For now, i can’t imagine this exercise being necessary at all. I feel like all the people who need to be in my life are already in it Its not about healing so you can have more people in your life. It’s more about healing the beliefs that are judgemental, fearful, angry, hurt etc. All of these lower vibrations affect EVERYTHING in our lives – like the sore you had in your mouth. Those are “sores” in our energetic, spiritual, emotional bodies and it touches every aspect of our lives. Here is the challenge though – you are so used to feeling this way that you don’t even notice the impact it is having on you. It’s kind of like asking a fish to explain water – it doesn’t know any different, so it can’t explain what water really is. I know you feel it isn’t necessary and there is some truth to that. You are happy with your life the way it is. It still doesn’t change that you are carrying some very deep wounds/traumas and those traumas are like a backpack that you carry everywhere you go. Someday and at some point, if you want deeper healing, you will need to dive into those beliefs, wounds, hurts, anger etc. But like I’ve said, you need to have someone you trust who knows how to navigate that territory in the subconscious really well.
So many times, i’ve wondered why i don’t just drop it and look for a man who is in a place to fit into my picture. And then, i feel the loss of JB. There are 3 significant parts in a relationship that need to be cared for…ALWAYS. 1. you 2. him 3. the relationship. People don’t really understand that you can like or even love the person you are with, but they don’t like/love the relationship that is created together. If someone is going to truly love and have it be a healthy, vibrant, nourishing love, it HAS to be a love that includes all 3 components, without exception. Loving him or the relationship needs to be a loving thing to do for yourself. If loving him and loving the relationship = loving yourself, then you are good to go! Most people are missing at least 2 of the categories of love and a relationship will never last that way. So the picture you create for yourself is about the relationship itself. It’s less about the guy and more about the lifestyle you want to have with him. It’s that life, the relationship, that feeds the both of you. It’s the lifestyle you create together that is uniquely designed by each couple. How well people care for it…or not – will determine their success. And how well people care for it is reflective of how much they love themselves and how much baggage they are carrying around.
IF he truly IS like a wild animal that is learning to trust me – then i don’t want to ever capture him and curb his freedom. But then, what if this wild animal wants to take me along on one of his adventures? Why am i on the sidelines, waiting for him to visit me? When i pondered that, i realized i was a trapped animal. I am tethered to something that is preventing me from running wild and free with him! He keeps coming back to see if i’m free to run with him, and i am still not free! I’m a bit confused. I thought you and JB are just friends. You are saying he keeps coming back to see if you are free to run with him, but you are not free…what does that mean? From his actions of what you are telling me, you are in the friend zone and he doesn’t see you as a romantic partner – and if I remember correctly, you are not sure how you feel about being romantic with him. What am I missing?
But that didn’t inspire me into action, as much as running wild and free with a wild horse does! lol 🙂 When he comes, i want to be ready! Are you talking about JB or just a man in general? You are ready Vino! When the right man shows up into your life, he will be able to inspire you to move mountains with him. Kids, work, weight etc….all that stuff won’t matter because those are all just excuses. The truth is, you can create whatever it is that you want…when you want it bad enough, no matter what is standing in the way.
Heidi
I wish I could see the pic too! It would be interesting to see what “dark” looks like to you. You can totally trust what you are sensing or you can give him the benefit of the doubt. I personally like to test myself, to see if I’m right. Maybe reach out to him and start a conversation and see what happens. It’s all part of you developing your skillset in how to read people, communicate, set boundaries etc.
I’m so sorry about Trav. I know you get really worried about him. Whenever I am having to look at failure and deal with it, I like to look to role models. Abraham Lincoln is probably my favorite. Here is a list of his failures and successes. http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/education/failures.htm Maybe send him stuff like this, where he can see that learning to be resilient is the gift of failure – and that’s all that’s happening for him right now. He is learning to be resilient and fight for his life…no matter what. It’s a normal part of life and a very important skill that he will use forever – it’s just being developed right now.
Heidi
Oh thank you! Not much of a celebration this year, but I don’t mind. It was super quiet and peaceful. I got to spend it on a ranch while taking care of some horses and cats, at the base of beautiful mountains. No complaints here!
I totally get how it can be a bit difficult to not be able to act 100% like yourself. There is so much you used to share with him. You were open and connective and sharing a lot with him…and now that’s changed. You miss that getting feel what that feels like. You miss that side of you. I think that is the hardes part of any breakup – missing that parts of yourself that you liked to feel with that person. I have no doubt Jonathon is feeling a BIG absence of you in his life. I’m glad he is still reaching out a bit. He truly does care about you being in his life. It will be interesting what happens over time.
Your friend sounds like she has very strong narcissistic tendencies. That is an extremely difficult kind of person to be in a real relationship with. You have to learn that you can’t expect much from them. And wow…she’s pregnant! I hope she has a smooth pregnancy.
Heidi
Hi Vino! Happy turkey day! I’m not sure if you and your family celebrate it, but at the very least, I hope you are having a beautiful day off.
Your dream interpretation sounds wonderful. It sounds like you have turned it into something that really brings comfort to you.
Dreams are so interesting, right? There are so many ways to interpret them. Sometimes it’s the subconscious expressing itself, sometimes they are predictive, sometimes there are specific messages trying to be communicated. There are many perspectives and it’s definitely an area that you could spend years studying. I have a friend who is just starting on the path of studying her dreams and taking a course on it. She dreams A LOT and they are pretty vivid, so I think it’s something that will serve her to understand more about what’s happening. What is the name of the book that you got from that guy?
This was really helpful to me. Not just because it is sound Solid advice, but because — i’m already doing that. lol 🙂 I’m glad this is what you are already doing. If you feel like going a level deeper into your healing, then it would be really working with your general, deeper, core beliefs about Indians, women, and Ethiopians where there are judgments, walls, anger etc. But like I’ve said before, you’ll dive into it when you are ready and when you have someone to help support you through the process.
Heidi
Heidi
Hi Jacinda,
This is a great question! First, let’s really look at the words “I’m sorry.” It’s not uncommon for people who have co-dependent tendencies like yourself, to overuse that phrase. Saying I’m sorry needs to be reserved for things you are actually sorry for. And just saying I’m sorry doesn’t mean anything until you even say what you are sorry for. Saying sorry in healthy ways are either used to apologize for a wrongdoing or used for empathy. So when your husband got a mouse in his lunch, the fact that you cussed and it worked a little better, that’s telling you he is more interested in you joining him in his frustrations than you just saying sorry – because what are you actually sorry for? So cussing was validating him and that’s what he wants. You could say “Oh man! Again? I am so sorry you have to keep to dealing with this. It’s so gross and disgusting.” That’s how you would want to use the phrase I’m sorry in this situation. Or…maybe just practice not saying it at all. I’m guessing you overuse the phrase, therefore it doesn’t really have any purpose or effect on him. So maybe work on NOT saying I’m sorry and only start to use it sparingly. It will force you into finding other ways to say things.
Thoughts?
Heidi
