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There is nothing easy about walking away. It is INCREDIBLY difficult to watch someone you love, become a shell of a person. I know exactly how you feel and it’s sooooo so heartbreaking.
It’s about letting go of the fantasy that you can save him. You are pouring and pouring and pouring all of your heart into a man who isn’t able to receive it. He abuses it instead and brings you down. You cannot save him. For me, I had to go to my worst fear – he will die. I had to work with that fear and all of the lies that came with it. “It’s my fault” “I didn’t love him enough” “I should have done more” and the list goes on. When I identified each lie, worked with it, counteracted it with the truth and released those thoughts – the fear “he will die” was still there BUT…instead of it being my fault, I let it be his choice. I put the responsibility back onto him instead of carrying the entire load. This freed me up because the TRUTH was in me instead of all of those lies. This allowed me to really just let go and let him take this path that he obviously needed to take. It freed me up to choose myself. It doesn’t happen overnight of course. I worked with a therapist/healer for a long time though. I got healthier and stronger and more solid than I had been in years. It taught me that pain is not such a horrible thing. Pain is what motivates people to grow. Some people have an incredibly high pain tolerance and deep down just really want to live their lives that ways. Who am I to say they shouldn’t do that? Every person deserves to the freedom to live their life exactly how they want without other people trying to change them. Of course, there are consequences to harmful behaviors/lifestyles, but that’s just part of the journey for them.
You need you. No one is going to save you except for yourself. You need to do for yourself, what you want him to do for himself. Never ask something of someone you are not willing to do yourself. Your kids need a mom who fights for more in her life. Your kids need a role model of self-love – more now than ever. Their dad is choosing suffering and addiction. They need their mom to show them what self-love looks like. You are worth fighting for and worth loving, but it starts with you choosing that for yourself – and there just is no way around that. Your relationship with your husband is dead. It’s toxic. It’s harmful. It’s time to say goodbye and let him go save himself and you go save yourself. There is nothing easy about this and I cannot tell you HOW to do that, because there really is no how. It’s just doing it, despite the heartbreak.
Heidi
I’m really glad you are taking it this way! You just never know and I knew I was taking a bit of a risk. I toned it down A LOT though…LOL
You are correct…the fact that he mentioned you kissing another guy again means it imprinted on him and he hasn’t let it go. Don’t you dare apologize or try to make up for that so he can feel better. DO NOT rescue him from his discomfort. You did nothing wrong – and he needs to face it. He NEEDS to learn how to forgive and release instead of holding onto hurt that creates a wall and barrier to intimacy. I’m very serious when I tell you to BE CAREFUL. I know you guys are super fabulous together and there is an incredible connection…AND…this particular side of him will choose fear and hurt over connection with you, unless he learns a different way to handle when you hurt him. You are going to hurt him so many more times and if you have to go through this every single time…sheesh! That’s exhausting!
I understand your fear of losing him. It’s normal and it’s appropriate. Do it anyways. Make another fear bigger. To me, it would be scarier to continue to open my heart to a guy and bond with him, only to have him decide one day he wants to go on another date or he isn’t sure about me. It’s more painful to be investing in a guy who isn’t investing back, with his heart – than it is to just face the truth that he would rather have fear be his girlfriend than me. Either way Franziska, it’s time to get more clear with him. You guys are not on the same page yet and it’s not okay for you anymore. You need to honor that for yourself. You need to see if he has what it takes to man-up. Besides…if he stays confused and isn’t able to give any kind of answer…then there is a REAL EASY way for him to get clear…step out of his life and let him feel the loss of you. That may be what needs to happen. If you IN his life is creating confusion, then I bet you OUT of his life will bring a lot of clarity. You need to have the strength to allow that to happen if that is what shows up from your conversation. You need to value yourself more than your connection with a man who lets fear run his life. And if he doesn’t get clarity with you being OUT of his life, he doesn’t get to have you then. Of course, this is easier said than done.
Heidi
Same with emotional support. I don’t talk to people who are continuously whining, because they drain me. Plus, they don’t want to make any changes in their lives in order to get a more stable place. So, i’m not on board this thought that my needs provide opportunities for others to be generous, so they’re a gift. I understand your point and there is truth in it, but it’s not actually what I am referring to. “Beggars” are asking from a place of woundedness and manipulation. That changes the energy of the exchange of giving/receiving. You are not a beggar. Your needs ARE a gift. You are comparing yourself to a beggar and that’s a completely different level of energy and mindset. It’s like money. Money can be healing or destructive – it just depends on how the person is using it. Your needs can be a gift or destructive, depending on how you get them met. It’s a spectrum, right? So why can’t your needs be a gift, if both you and the other person are coming from a loving, supportive place?
I’ve narrowed it down to one thing – i’d have to find value in the eyes of a man. So much value that he’d WANT to share his life with me. For some reason, that seems to carry a sense of woundedness – when someone needs someone else for something or other. I want someone to like me so much that they deliberately choose to share their lives with me. It IS woundedness when you rely on someone else for your value. So your belief that you need a man to choose you in order to feel valuable is wanting HIM to do something for you that you are not doing for yourself. This belief comes from your woundedness. You CAN feel complete and whole and chosen without ever having a man. That “spot” can be healed without a man. As long as that spot exists, it will always contribute to a neediness with any relationship you have with a man.
Like my hair, i might be the only one who enjoys my better health, but i’m the one i need to make happy, not anyone else. This is a beautiful thought! I know many people feel the same way you do. I know I do. If I don’t plan something, I know people wouldn’t remember. But honestly, I kind of view it as a good thing because I view my birth-day as a time that I get to celebrate my life, who I am, and how far I’ve come. It’s a self-love day for me – so I should be the one planning it anyways. So I plan the day according to how I want to truly love myself and honor my life. Most of the time it’s a quite, perfect day with my mom and that’s it. I love all the Facebook messages because it is a moment where someone IS taking the time to send me good vibes and that feels good to me! It feels like sparkly bubbles to me when someone takes a moment to send a birthday wish. So maybe try a new perspective about your birthday and see how it goes!
Heidi
Hi Evelyn,
Gosh! I am sooooo so sorry for what you are going through!!! It’s so incredibly difficult to watch someone you love, slip through your fingers.
It sounds like there are a lot of deeper issues going on here. He isn’t happy, obviously. It sounds like you weren’t happy either. You’ve gone through a lot in the last 7 months. He also cheated on you 7 months ago and broke the trust. Do you know why he cheated? Have you guys done some work together in re-building that trust?
I’m wondering if your communication style is also really challenging for him. Do you feel that when you confront him about things, you are respectful or more critical?
The thing is…your relationship needs to change. He won’t come back into the same design and nor should he. So what kinds of things would you like to focus on, in yourself, that can help you become a better partner? Is HE willing to work on changing things for himself as well?
Heidi
I really hope that didn‘t make him lose trust in me or that‘s the reason why he‘s confused. First things first…if this is why he is confused and if he is not trusting you because of this, then he has a lot of growing up to do in order to be in a relationship that can last.
It’s obvious since the beginning this guy is holding onto a lot of fear. Fear is a pretty strong presence in his life and dictates a lot of what he does. My guess is, it’s that same fear causing the confusion. You kissing another guy would just fuel that fear – it has nothing to do with you. This is about HIM. And this is important for you to see about him. He doesn’t really face his fear. He lets it hang out and it is what’s stopping him from really investing in you. There is NO reason at this point, that he should be confused. Yet he is…so this tells you how BIG his fear is. This WILL be an issue in your relationship…and it IS something that has the potential to cause a breakup. Fear will be part of our lives forever. If someone doesn’t know how to handle it in a healthy, the fear will take over and ruin things…guaranteed. It ruins connection, it causes bad decision making and it hurts other people. So it’s important for you to know what you are stepping into. Be aware.
So this is just a thought. What about challenging him and see what he does with it. He has had PLENTY of time to get to know you and feel who you are in his life. If he cannot handle some challenge, then that is something else you need to know about him. Your friendship is solid enough to take it and you have more than earned the right to question him.
So what about asking him those questions you just posted? “Tim…I’m not sure what you are confused about. What is stopping you from just being with me. I’m not saying you need to fall in love…that takes time. But how we are with each other is fabulous. What’s stopping you from just letting go and being together? I don’t see what there is to be confused about. We are great together. This is not me pushing you into anything, but it is me wanting to understand what the heck is going on. My heart is sacred. My time is sacred. If you don’t know enough about me by now, to know I’m a good person to invest in…then we need to talk about a re-design.”
I know I’m a bit spicey in my advice today. I think I’m some of my “mama bear” energy is coming up. You are an incredible woman and you have been MORE than patient and giving him an INCREDIBLE amount of space. You guys are amazing together! And he is f****ing confused???? I want to smack him upside the head and tell him to f*****ing wake up!!! He is damn lucky to have you!!!!
I know this may not be the approach you want to take, but that’s okay. Sometimes though, the strong, confident woman side of you needs to take the lead and kick him in the ass! I’m saying all of this with love, of course.
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more! This is great information!
no guy has ever had interest in me more than the appereance and body so sex .i feel like they cant see more of this Guys absolutely have the ability to see you more than your appearance. Not every guy is like that, of course – it’s more about you setting standards as to how you are treated and then you will attract more men who align with those standards.
i feel like maybe the problem is also that i cant have friend boy, i dont trust them so im incapable to entablish a friendship, so maybe the problem is also that i only see boy as sexboy(?)i dont know. This absolutely contributes to your relationship with guys and how they view you.
but how? everytime a guy approaches me i feel his attraction to me that is only physical …guys approaches at first only because the like you not your personality,am i wrong in this thought? Of course guys are going to approach you when they are attracted to what you like. This is normal, but what happens after that, is truly up to you. Again…it all starts with you and how you REQUIRE someone to treat you. If you want to be seen as more than just someone to have sex with, then you make a guy earn the right to have sex with you. What does that look like? It’s different for each person. If you look at your sexuality and your body as sacred, your heart is sacred, your time is sacred and special, then how would you present yourself to a guy when he approaches you?
maybe giving vent to my passion for dancing?i found this passion 3months ago .is it enough? This is WONDERFUL! Omg…dance is incredibly powerful. Give it life! Play with it! Let it grow. Dancing is an incredible way to move emotions, energy, and help with healing.
i think that it can be a repellent for boys attraction because maybe boys think im not feminine enough to be be attracted to me for a relationship This is what I call a “program.” We all grow up with a gazillion beliefs/stories about ourselves and the world around it. These are shaped by our family and our experiences. Some programs are super healthy and uplifting and some are destructive and full of lies. This program that “you are not feminine enough to be in a relationship” is full of lies. That’s a story you have created in your mind about your experiences. Where did it come from? How long have you felt that way? Why do you believe that is true? What OTHER reasons could there be for you not having a relationship? Let’s say this program is true…what makes it true? In what ways do you feel like you are not feminine enough? And how does that impact you having a relationship?
the other 2 things i dont like about myself is that i cant have a relationship , i try but its like something underneath me says to me “you cant have ir because its You” infact im always attracted to past pattern (that i leaved ..like the hoe behaviour). i dont lime about myself that i always change my life plans and i cant make priority because they changes based on the situation. i dont like about myself that I don’t know how to set limits on people. Here is the thing Eva. All these things that you don’t like about yourself, will ALWAYS be there. We ALL have things we don’t like about ourselves. As we grow and heal, those negative things are less intense and have less harmful effects, but that’s life, right? We mess up, we learn, we grow, we heal….rinse and repeat…for the rest of our lives. The the first place to start is learning how to love and accept those negative parts of ourselves. The truth is, every negative thing comes from hurt and trauma. So embracing and having compassion for those parts of ourselves that are hurting, is what is healing. That’s the path. When you are able to love yourself…ALL of you…then your life will start to change….you will feel more empowered, you will attract different kinds of people, you will feel differently inside, you will find more joy in your life – easily.
Thoughts?
Heidi
As long as i have kids who aren’t stable, i cannot be available to build a relationship with a man. And i can’t give someone just bits and pieces of my life, it has to be ALL! or else i’d feel like i’m not whole-hearted. A man, especially one without kids of his own, WOULD be available to me fully, but i wouldn’t be available to him, and that isn’t right. This is an interesting belief you have! Let’s explore this more. I wonder where this belief is coming from, because it isn’t true. You ARE building a relationship with a man…JB. Are you not giving him ALL that you have? I know it’s platonic, but the thing is, romantic relationships are built uniquely to each couple. Each couple decides what works and doesn’t work for them, right? So what if you come across a man, who doesn’t have any kids, but maybe he travels a lot. Is it not possible to build a romantic relationship with a guy who travels a lot? The truth is, you can be available for your kids AND build a romantic relationship at the same time. Plenty of people do it. And they give all they have to BOTH and it’s all good! So I’m curious…tell me why you feel you cannot do this? I know you believe if you are there for your kids, that means you are not whole hearted for a relationship, so tell me more about this.
i don’t know. i don’t want to be a burden. and i don’t know how not to be a burden. Man…I understand this belief. I have this one too. A lot of people do actually. It’s a pretty strong core program people have in general. I wonder where this started and why it’s so common. This is also not a true statement. The truth is, you cannot tell someone else how they feel. YOU may feel like a burden with your needs, but your friend or partner may actually feel delighted to help you with your needs. If your needs are a burden to someone, then you are not with the right person. Your needs are a gift. Your needs create opportunities for your friends and partners to activate their giving spirit. Doesn’t it feel good to help someone??? That’s what your needs do! Your needs are important, valuable, and in service to humanity. Your needs bring out the good in others. This is the truth. You believe you are a burden and that is a lie you are giving authority in your life. Do you see how this is connected and part of the story you have running in your system that “your life has no value and is meaningless?”
Even if there is no value in either activity (in the ultimate grand scale of things) – i would rather get out of bed and do a few things than stay in bed and do nothing. This is beautiful! Well done!!! You are choosing small moments of joy and life in the midst of depression. You are incredibly strong. You are impacting this world more than you realize. Have you watched “what the bleep” yet? Science is actually showing how connected we all are…we are all in a unified field and EVERY SINGLE thought, feeling, decision we make contributes and affects the whole. I know you are not really connected to this concept and that’s okay. Your choices are powerful. I’d have to say, the one thing that my mom role modeled for me growing up, is she never gave up. It was a hard life, but she still chose to be there for me. She still chose to get up and fight for herself so she could be there for me. She still chose love. It gave me strength, so you are role modeling for your children what resilience looks like. They are lucky to have you!
On the other hand, if i cut him out of my life to pursue someone i can have a relationship with right away, then, i always be left wondering about him and he’ll haunt me forever. i’ve never regretted giving. I’ve always regretted holding back. He doesn’t have to haunt you forever. If he does, then that’s a choice you are making to allow that. JB is what he is. He may never step into something romantic with you, because that is not how he feels about you. Maybe he will someday. Who knows. Either way, right now he is important in your life and you are important in his….until something changes that. Relationships are always changing and morphing into something different. If you CHOOSE regret, then you get to torture yourself. You do have the power to choose to release the energy of regret and be free from it though. It’s up to you.
WHY does a busy man need another friend in his life? I take up his time. I don’t understand why he keeps in touch. I could give you a million reasons why he values you and he could do the same. But you are not asking this question from your mind because there is a lack of understanding. You are asking this question from your heart – from that spot in you that doesn’t see your value. We see your value, but it’s not until you are able to see your own value that you will even believe what we have to say. I guarantee this “spot” you refer to, is where the trauma with women, Ethiopians, and Indians live. It’s quite a powerful spot. We all have these spots, don’t we?
Heidi
Hi Sherry,
I’m so sorry for what you are going through, but it sounds like you are learning…which is always a good sign!
The thing is, most guys are not interested in stepping into the same situation. Most guys get REALLY tired of the loop of drama – so if you want to get him back, it’s about showing him that you are interested in shifting that loop of drama. I’m glad you had some realizations, but that doesn’t mean you have actually changed. Learning is the first step of course, but it’s when you are able to take that learning and actually APPLY it, where the change takes place. This is actually the hardest part.
Why not invite him to dinner. Go somewhere nice or somewhere beautiful that you both will enjoy. He will be much more willing to listen if you can SHOW him what you have been doing. You have gained new insight…how? Did you read a book or something? Do you have a therapist?
At this point, words are just words. Your best bet is to show him ACTION. He needs to SEE and FEEL that you are not interested in the loop of drama anymore either and that you are ready to take ACTION to shift it. What would those actions be? Maybe start seeing a therapist or coach. Maybe start reading books, maybe suggest going through a book together. Maybe attend a couple’s retreat or find classes to go to together.
Are you willing to take action?
Heidi
Maybe that means that I have to have some form of romantic relationship with them before I’ll be comfortable being intimate. I won’t know until that time comes. You have some kind of belief about sex. What is it? What is your belief about sex and when and how it’s supposed to happen? What do you think needs to be in place for you to feel comfortable having sex with someone?
I don’t think there is something missing in me that allows me to keep it from being light. I just don’t feel dating to date is what I want. Why not? What do you think dating is, that makes you not want it?
Here is something important to understand about ourselves….it’s estimated that around 80% of what we do, feel, believe, act like etc. is being driven by subconscious beliefs, programs and thoughts. It’s so fascinating! I’m wondering what subconscious patterns, beliefs, and programs are influencing how you have designed your romantic life. The only way we are able to discover what is in our subconscious, is to look at the clues of our life design and start to put the pieces of the puzzle together to create a bigger, more understandable picture.
Here are the clues:
1. You have never dated and never FELT like you wanted to – for a very long time, you never FELT like you wanted to be romantic with anyone. It COULD be just who you are – or – it COULD be a protective reaction to your life. I know for me, there have been PLENTY of times that my “not feeling interested” was actually a coping mechanism. That’s why I am saying this COULD be a clue for you. “Not feeling” COULD be a clue, but you don’t really know until you dig a lot deeper.
2. You don’t want to date – you only want a relationship – you have never been in a relationship before and you have never dated, so there is a whole undiscovered part of you that you have no idea about – yet you are not interested in dating. You only want to fall in love. That makes me wonder why. What is your resistance to dating? This clue could lead you deeper into some of your subconscious beliefs that you don’t know are there.
3. You had an intense anxiety reaction to meeting up with a guy for the first time that were texting with This is the BIGGEST clue. Your anxiety is a symptom of how deeply you are afraid. When fear is this big, our emotional system will shut down in order to cope. For the first time, you were stepping into something potentially romantic and it created a pathway for the anxiety to show up. The level that it showed up at, was pretty intense, which just tells me how much fear you are carrying about intimacy/romance etc. It completely disrupted your life. It was so big that you couldn’t sleep for a few days and it disrupted your happiness. This kind of reaction is much bigger than normal low self-esteem or insecurity. It’s indicative of something bigger going on that you haven’t quite connected to. Just something to think about and possibly explore.None of these clues are bad or wrong. They are just expressions of some story/belief you have about yourself and romance and intimacy. Here is the thing. What you FEEL are not the facts. What we feel in any given situation is a culmination of all kinds of our thoughts and feelings about ourselves and others and whatever is happening in the situation. Our feelings are NOT the facts…they are just our expression of the story we have created about what’s happening. This is always true, until we explore our feelings deeper. You don’t FEEL like you want to date, but how deeply have you explored that? How deeply have you gone into yourself to truly explore your ideas about love, dating, relationships, sex etc. I cannot tell you how many times I have felt soooo solid about something – very clear about what I wanted – and then I discovered there was a deeper, subconscious belief influencing what I was feeling. Once I connected with it, what I felt instantly changed. This is why I am saying that feelings/emotions are not the facts – they are just expressions of OUR story we have created – not necessarily the truth.
One of the ways to truly discover what you are feeling, is to step into what you resist. For example, why not just date? Why not go on several dates and start to practice certain skills that you need to develop for relationship anyways? Why not start to discover what you like and don’t like with dating by actually DOING it – and see what feelings come up for you? There is a whole undiscovered side to you that is emerging for the first time. Why not go explore that side of yourself by just being more social with men…that’s all dating is…it’s just being social with a guy.
Thoughts?
Heidi
okay! That’s a start! It sounds like you guys are on the same page.
For some reason though, I have a feeling it’s not quite what you wanted. For some reason, it feels like something might be missing here. Is that how you feel? I don’t know…it’s just my intuition.
I feel like you may have gotten what you wanted, but you also have some thoughts about it, more than what you shared? I don’t know…just a feeling, so I thought I’d check.
Heidi
I am soooo so sorry for what you are dealing with. It is so incredibly heartbreaking to watch someone we deeply care about, throw their life away. It’s awful and is such a powerless feeling.
I know it’s not my fault but I feel responsible I followed what my therapist said and I hurt him this bad. He’s doing things that are so out of character for him that he hasn’t done since his 20’s and he’s now 48. This is not the man I love. He is not this way. He would not even look at another woman because he loved and respected me. but this drug has a hold of him. I want to encourage you to trust yourself. Leaving probably saved your life. Whatever was happening that caused your therapist to encourage you to leave, I have no doubt was a serious thing. You need to protect yourself and fight for your life BEFORE you can try and fight for his.
His happiness is NOT your responsibility. If he is going down this path, it is a part of him that he needed to give life. This IS who he is. This IS the man you love. This has been living inside of him for a very long time and is now finally coming out. If you hadn’t left when you did, I have no doubt you would be spiraling down with him, even moreso than what you are dealing with now. You are not God here. You believe that if you hadn’t left, he wouldn’t be going down this path and it’s just simply not true. You do not have THAT much power to change what lives inside of someone else.
There is no way around the truth that he has to be the one to help himself. He is not in enough pain yet. He is not suffering enough yet. One day, when he reaches the bottom and he is in enough pain, he will start to make some different decisions. And yes, it’s possible he may never reach that point and he will choose to die instead. That’s the reality for substance abuse addicts.
Right now, you are soooo tied to him that you don’t know how to find your own happiness and your own life, separate than HIS suffering. His pain is your pain. I know you love him and feel very bonded to him. It’s time for you to create a different way to relate with him. Confronting him isn’t working. It just makes him angrier and causes you to start to harm yourself. What if you become the role model instead? What if you really started to get your life together and started to heal? Many times, men respond better to watching their woman make changes and that activates something inside of them to also want to change. Is that something you are willing to do?
You have a choice to make here. You have to fight for more in your life or you will go down spiraling with him. What kind of life do you want? Do you want to fight for happiness? Or do you want to stay in a relationship with suffering, just like he is?
Heidi
Hi Mandie,
I’m so sorry to hear this! It’s so awful that you are having to deal with such toxicity. I’m curious how the relationship was. If he grew up in that kind of environment, I have no doubt some of that would end up showing up in the relationship. How long were you dating before things went south? Do you know why they disliked you so much?
Honestly, it’s NOT about his family. This is about HIM. He has not separated enough from his family to allow himself to build his life the way he wants. He is still giving a ton of his power to his family. So in a situation like this, it means that any woman who comes into his life, will also be in a relationship with the family because he has not fully separated from them yet. He still has a lot of growing up to do. So he either needs to find a woman who his family agrees with or he needs to build his strength and self-esteem to be a completely independent adult. That’s a HUGE undertaking – either way…do you really want to fight for a guy who isn’t able to fight for himself on this level? At this point, being with him means being with his family.
Thoughts?
Heidi
But I do agree he is trying to be motivated by a desire to help me and in his words, “get me to a place of freedom”. He has a background in counseling, and as I said he feels like it’s his role to fix things with me, which I really do not agree with. He is living in quite an illusion if he believes that his motivation for fixing you is because he is caring about you. Anytime we are trying to “fix” someone else, it’s really trying to fix ourselves THROUGH the other person. It’s a false belief that if the OTHER person changes he will get to feel happier. His need to “fix” you is a sign of how unhappy he actually is – but he isn’t willing to take responsibility for that.
I struggle the most with insecurity and I want to stop being so afraid of disappointing people or feeling like I failed. I want to build confidence in myself that I am enough, and I am not broken. I actually like myself, I just have this fear that other people don’t or won’t and so critism (even put nicely) is like cryptonite with me. Okay…here is the target for you. We attract people to treat us the way we treat ourselves. This low self-esteem and fear of disappointing people means that you are probably pretty harsh with yourself. Is your self-talk critical? Is your self-talk judgmental? What is your self-talk like? Now compare your negative self-talk to how your husband is talking to you. Is it similar? He is always wanting you to be “better” and I imagine your self talk is pretty similar. Fear of disappointing someone or not being liked means there is a part of you constantly trying to be perfect so you are liked and accepted and avoiding criticism. When you start to change your self talk and like yourself more…for EXACTLY who you are…then I bet the dynamics between you and your hubby will shift. I’m curious…what do you say back to him when he is picking on you? It sounds like a daily dynamic. One way to shift that dynamic is for you to start to change your response to it. So let’s figure out how we can play with this more and experiment.
I think it would help me so much if he could try a little romance, flowers, dancing, some poetry, sweet notes. But anytime I mention it, even in the most positive way, he says, “I just don’t get the flower (romance) thing”. What is your response to this? What do you say back to him? He is not understanding that it’s not about HIM, it’s about YOU. Maybe you can explain it to him one time. Explain what it feels like for you to receive flowers. Explain what it feels to you when he is romantic and dances with you. Even if he doesn’t understand the why or how it works, he will understand and get connected to your RESPONSE to it. If he were to say something like that to me, I would say “Well, it’s okay that you don’t get it – you don’t need to understand it in order to put a huge smile on my face. But why not experiment and see what happens when you DO do something like this for me. I bet you would like my response to it.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Let me ask you this….is this how you want to be treated? If a guy bails and goes cold after hooking up with you, he is showing you who he REALLY is. Is this the kind of guy you want to hand your heart over to?
Heidi
Hi Allegra,
Just because it’s what your family and relatives have chosen, doesn’t mean that is who you are meant to be as well. Let’s explore this a little more. Why do you think you are not built to date? What do you think is missing in you that prevents you from keeping it light and having different experiences? If you know you shouldn’t base this off of your family, then why are you? What is holding you back?
When you say that you haven’t felt comfortable enough with anyone, what EXACTLY is missing?
With this guy you are sort of talking with, I’m curious what caught your attention with him? When you had the anxiety about meeting him in person, what were you afraid of?
It’s obvious there is a part of you that is incredibly strong and clear and another part of you that is not – at least when it comes to guys. What is happening with that part of you that is feeling insecure? What are those thoughts that are coming up? Do you think it’s this part of you that has never felt comfortable enough to have sex?
Heidi
