[Heidi G]

I’m not actually sure there are any holidays that are clear from trauma. Even Valentine’s day – though it’s not really a holiday – is sourced by trauma. Isn’t it fascinating that we do that?? Us humans can really be messed up. LOL

I totally get how it will just be easy to let your friend go naturally after she has her baby. Let’s hope for that, cuz you don’t need that kind of vibe in your life.

You are having quite the month aren’t you?? I’m glad your dad is handling covid really well. I know our numbers are going up here (where I live) and people are, of course, freaking out about the new strain. Everything here is still open though, as long as you wear a mask. What about where you live? How are people feeling/responding there?

What are your current thoughts/feelings about your guy? I know he is gone in Madrid and he isn’t reaching out. Does it hurt a little? Are you finding some peace and resolution?

I wasn’t valuing myself enough and even if I am “great” they were not able to see this “plus” in me because I wasn’t seeing it either. This is the #1 issue for everyone when it comes to love. We teach people how to treat us, right? You cannot give what you don’t have. People think they love someone, even when they don’t love themselves – but it’s an empty love and usually that kind of love is very limited and turns toxic. I’m so glad you are connecting to this very powerful truth and look…look how you responded completely different compared to your last ex. You opened up and you were vulnerable and connective in a new way and it still didn’t work out AND you are handling it with the truth of your value and your amazingness, despite the rejection. I LOVE IT!!! This is the GOLD of life. When you can do this, THEN you have true freedom to live your life authentically. I have so much respect for you! You have worked really hard to get here and you haven’t run away from yourself. Any guy who gets to have your heart, fully and completely, is gonna be so damn lucky!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Gosh. I completely know how you feel! I am having the same experience with my phone company. It’s so incredibly frustrating, isn’t it? It’s not how any of us want to spend our time!!! Moments like that give us practice for patience when there is discord that is out of our hands.

So tell us more about this guy you really want to get to know. What interests you about him? I fully and completely trust that you will connect with him exactly in the right timing. God is so much more powerful than any technology, right?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Lisa,

You are asking some really, really good questions! We have a lot of great answer here for you. There is A LOT to unpack and a lot of layers to sift through, so be patient as we figure out where you are at and what’s contributing to your patterns.

First, it’s important to understand that your behavior is co-dependent. That means “meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself.” It’s actually a very healthy thing as long as it stays in balance. It’s a necessary quality sometimes in relationships, right? It sounds like this is really out of balance for you…and that’s okay! It’s time to start to really learn about this side of yourself, so you can start to shift it. Typically co-dependents find narcissists…they actually go really well together. Narcissism is “meeting the needs of yourself, at the expense of the other.” So narcissists serve themselves and the co-dependent also agrees to serve them…so as long as the co-dependent stay in that pattern, all is peachy (At least for the narcissist). I’m curious…was your last relationship like that?

Tell us more about why you have this pattern. Usually, it’s developed in childhood and created through the type of parenting you had. What was your childhood like? What is your relationship like with your parents?

And I do want to say…great job recognizing your patterns and watching them appear. That truly is the first level of healing – awareness.

There is this 5 chapter book that explains how we learn: the hole represents our limiting patterns.
chapter 1: you are walking down the street and fall in the hole
chapter 2: you are walking down the street, see the hole, and fall in anyways (this is where you are – the hardest chapter to move on from)
chapter 3: you are walking down the street, see the hole, then walk around it
chapter 4: you are walking down the street, see the hole, then walk across the street
chapter 5: you don’t walk down the street at all

Be patient and kind with yourself. There is a reason you are this way and your self-love and compassion is what is going to help you heal from whatever traumas or challenges that contributed to your insecurities. We all have them, and we always will.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Betty! I just responded to your other post, so let’s keep the conversation going on over in that thread.

[Heidi G]

Hi Betty! Welcome!

Gosh…this is pretty intense! I’m so sorry you are having to go through this, especially with a newborn. I have no doubt you feel shocked and so confused.

Would you mind sharing more information?

Why does he believe you cheated? He asked specifically about you being with his cousin, so what has happened that would make him think that? Do you know why he is not believing you? Are you surprised by his accusations?

I know you have been together for a year and now have a baby with him. It’s still a pretty new relationship, so it sounds like a new side to him is coming out. Has he been cheated on before? Is he still involved with parenting at all? Are you guys still talking? Do you live together?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

What are your plans for Christmas?? Do you get to see your kids? Maybe you get to go to Dustin’s new home and christen his home with the first Christmas dinner???

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Today, i’m overwhelmed by all the online businesses i signed up for and there’s so much to learn! 🙁 hahaha! I know, right??? It IS overwhelming! I was actually feeling that recently as well and I have been studying online business stuff for over 20 years! It NEVER stops! Why? Because people are always changing. There are ALWAYS new ways to do things, new technology, new apps, new forms, new new new new new!!! Uuuugggghhh! I totally get how you feel. Take 1 step at a time. Focus on 1 thing and complete it before splitting your energy into something else. At least that works for me. It’s easy for me to get lost, so I decide to focus on 1 thing and fully learn it, embrace it, experience it and give it my full attention before doing something else. Just a thought. Either way, the very best way to deal with overwhelm is to bring yourself back to the present moment and focus. I just say to myself “Right now Heidi, this is what you are going to do. You are going to finish this and then you will move onto the next thing.” Overwhelm comes up when we are looking at the BIG picture and we don’t know how we are going to get there. Being present in the moment alleviates that because it gets you into action, gets you focused, relaxes that anxiety because you are taking action, and mostly because you are taking the present moment (a piece of the big picture) and making THAT the big picture – then it becomes doable, right?

I love your thoughts about touch. When I talk with trees or nature, I am in receivership. I empty myself out and make myself a blank slate in my mind and feelings and I ask for the tree to share its energy with me…and then I see what happens. Every single tree is different! Every tree shares itself with me in different ways too. Sometimes I get thoughts that pop into my mind, sometimes I just feel something, sometimes I hear funny voices – I love playing with the trees. I imagine you would be incredible at communicating with the trees!

For me, distance is a great help in being able to ask for help. I get it. Distance equals safety. You did take a big risk working with the psychiatrist. I hope someday you will be willing to take that risk again. I would love for you to get to experience life with a lot less fear. It’s so much more peaceful and fun!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I am not crazy, I know there is something there that needs to be looked into. Let’s talk about this! This is part of you learning how your subconscious leaks out – when you recognize it in yourself, you will recognize it when you are out on dates. And let me tell you…when you start to learn how to read the language of the subconscious, you will be able to recognize and see things about someone waaaaaay sooner than before they show up.

For example, I have a friend who is now going through a breakup because her boyfriend cheated on her. 2 years ago, I told her she was heading for a breakup. I told her all the red flags that I was seeing and noticing and she didn’t want anything to do with it, because she was so wrapped up in how she “felt” and she KNEW there were a lot of good things about him. Now, seeing a therapist, she is saying “How did I miss this? How did I not see these things???” Of course, inside my mind, I wanted to yell at her and say I told you all of these things but you didn’t want to listen!!! I cannot tell you how many times I have had these conversations with people who are feel fooled, who feel lost, who feel confused as to why they are in the situation they are in. Why??? Because they are poor pickers! That means they are picking purely from their emotions, the love cocktail of chemicals they get, and the connection they feel. That’s important, of course, but MORE importantly, is understanding the TYPE of person you are choosing. Are they able to support a long-term love? Do they have a healthy skillset to handle stress? Are they the type of person that is interested in growth? Do they build any kind of accountability into their lives? What lives in their subconscious? What fears run their life? What stories do they have about love? The answers to these questions will make or break a relationship – long term. So developing your skill set of learning how to read the subconscious, will save you a TON of time.

Your statement for example, “I’m not crazy” tells me somewhere along the way, you absorbed that word as part of a description of yourself. I didn’t say you were crazy and nor did I even have that thought – yet it was the very first word you defended yourself against. So that means you have a stronger relationship with that word. How? Why? What? I don’t know. All I know is that relationship is there and it’s for you to explore. If I were on a date with you, I would start asking questions around that and it would tell me how well you REALLY know yourself – or not. The less someone knows about themselves, the higher the odds for a breakup.

I have an INCREDIBLE coach that I work with. She works with people all over the world over the phone or video. I’m happy to share her information with you. You would just set up a time to have an intro conversation where you can get a feel about her approach and if you vibe with her. If you like her, you just book your first session. If you don’t, then you just move on. Let me know if this interests you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Alexandra,

Welcome! Hopefully I am getting this to you in time, before you talk.

First and foremost, you want to focus on ONE thing in the conversation – making him feel safe, heard, and validated. He is being honest about how he is feeling and although it may not be true for you, it’s true for him – and that is the part you need to listen to.

The first step is to go into the conversation with what I call the reporter mindset. Imagine you need to write an article about HIS perspective of the relationship. As a reporter, you need A LOT of information. That means you need to be asking a lot of questions, with the energy of just wanting to understand what he is saying and NOT wanting to fix or change what he is saying (what most couples do to each in arguments). When he told you how he felt, you tried to explain yourself (very normal). What this actually does, in a very subtle way, is invalidate his experience. You are telling him, in a round about way, that what he is feeling isn’t true, because that is not how YOU feel. But what is you actually slowed down and made the conversation completely about him and started saying things like, “Oh wow. I am so glad you told me this! I had no idea you felt this way and I actually don’t feel this way at all. I wonder what I am doing that makes you feel that from me. Tell me more about this. Give me some examples of what I did or said that made you think this. I’m curious…what does it look like to you when know that I completely trust you?” Does this approach make sense? He has created a story in his mind about you and how you are feeling about him – and you don’t know what that story is. All you are doing is telling him that his story isn’t true. While that may be the case, it still doesn’t change that it’s there and it’s real FOR HIM – so it’s helpful you instead step into HIS story and understand why it’s there, how much of that story comes from you and your behaviors or from him and his insecurities, HOW did he come up with the story he did, and then finally…how can you guys change the story together?

This approach will help him feel listened to, validated, understood, and most of all safe. It can really calm down his need to run away. And maybe you can start the conversation by saying “Listen…I know you are considering breaking up – and although that is not at all what I want, I will always respect and trust that you know what is best for you. All I ask is that we both talk today with an open heart and that both really listen to each other. My deepest desire is to truly know and understand you. The more I understand you and what you are experiencing from me, the better partner I can be for you…and that is truly what I want. I know I mess up and I always will. But I also know that I can get better. So today you are my teacher. I want to understand what is happening.” When you preface the conversation with that intent…it can really set the stage for how the conversation goes. You will be bringing him onto your level and just by making this statement, you are helping him to get onto the same page as you.

Now…when it comes to what you need from him…focus on what DOES work and not what doesn’t. For example, saying “I need more communication from you” you want to say, “When you talk to me about____________________and you let me know__________________, it helps me feel__________________.” Remember that you have an entire story in YOUR mind about whatever is happening as well and he has no idea what that is. So telling him you need more communication from him is a very limited way to get your needs met, because he has NO CLUE what EXACTLY that looks like to you, how it will affect you, and how you even interpret his lack of communication. So you need to teach him. You need to pretend you are talking to a little kid. You stay simple, clear, and specific. What does more communication look like to you…EXACTLY? Give him clear-cut examples. And then let him know what the result will be when he DOES communicate more. Let him know how it will make you feel. And if you guys stay together, when he DOES communicate, acknowledge it! Show him appreciation for the effort he is making.

Is this helpful??

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Even though it wasn’t about celebration (I’m always feeling weird about this one due to history) i am thankful for all your support during the past years! Right??? We celebrate, but so few people are connected to the trauma that actually was happening around that time. And thank you for saying that you appreciate my support over the past years. You have been a delight to converse with! If I ever travel your way, I would love to actually meet you! And vice versa!

Your friend….once a narcissist, always a narcissist. She sounds like she either is the personality disorder or at least pretty close to it. People that live on the extreme side of narcissism like that, never change. Her kid is in for rough road. I’m surprised you are friends with her as well. You must get something out of it to stay connected.

That must have made you feel good to have him try really hard to connect with you. That made me smile.

I guess that’s what change really, I own my past and family history, but I’m not afraid of this anymore. I am not them, I can love and be loved, and I deserve that. Wow! This is really powerful. Has the feeling stayed with you? Do you feel like this awareness shifted something deeper in you? Tell me more about it!

Heidi

• This reply was modified 4 years ago by Heidi G.

[Heidi G]

Oh my goodness! What a tree! I want to go see one too! So powerful, artful, expressive, colorful, and just amazing! It feels like looking at a painting where you have to stand there for a while to see all the different aspects of it. Wow! Thank you for sharing!

[Heidi G]

because when you try to get your needs met from a wounded place, it’s like you’re bleeding all over the person. This is not what I’m talking about either. I’m referring to the wounded energy of manipulation. Many of our needs come from wounded energy. We NEED people to help us heal. If you expect that you are only going to ask for help when you are perfectly aligned and not in wounded energy, you are NEVER going to ask for help. And besides…look at it this way. Those women who just constantly complained to you about their husbands but never did anything about it – even though their sharing was coming from a wounded, manipulative place (they want you to feel sorry for them), they are giving the gift of learning how to set boundaries. So even beggars, even whiney people, even people who are using you or other people in unhealthy ways to get their needs met, EVERY SINGLE ONE is creating an opportunity for the receiver to learn compassion, to learn how to set boundaries, to learn how to communicate their boundaries, to learn how to say no, to learn how to say yes, to learn whatever it is they need to learn or practice. So…there is still a great purpose in it, right? Every single moment in my life, whether it feels wonderful or irritating or challenging, I know there are gifts in it for me. If I know someone is trying to manipulate me, I look might look for my compassion, I might try to bring out the best in them, I might need to practice my forgiveness…who knows. Either way, every moment is a gift to practice, develop, or learn about yourself.

So you can describe an emotion as the feeling you get when a bug with really scratchy legs is climbing up your pant legs. OMG! You crack me up!!! So well said!

You should start touching trees! Whenever I am hiking, I am talking to nature. There are certain trees I am drawn to and I will walk up to them and put my hands on them and talk with them. It’s wonderful! Nature is amazing to talk to! I’m going to look up that tree! That’s amazing that it’s 4,000 years old.

I’m glad you are connecting more with that dead spot. There is a lot to discover in there and the fact that you are even touching it, means it’s going to start to shift.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Obviously, if a guy just wants a hookup, that’s not worth your time. I get it. That’s a bummer you don’t have that kind of dating pool.

So what are your thoughts about exploring your anxiety reaction more deeply? How do you feel bout shifting your perspective a bit about dating and making it more about developing your skills instead of only looking for love?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I’d like to talk more about this if you’re open to it: I honestly think the first time that happened was because it was so new, and the potential situation was a lot to handle at the time. Now that I think back on it, I don’t really know why I reacted the way I did. The thing is…you don’t know why – and this is my point. To have anxiety to the level that you did is a sign of some really big things happening under the surface that you are not connected to. My point being…it’s an opportunity to dig in deeper to find out what was REALLY going on for you and what insecurities were being triggered so intensely that it disrupted your life in a pretty big way. I think some of what you may discover in that “spot” will tell you a lot more about why our romantic life is the way it is. If you want to dismiss it as “I was just nervous and I don’t know why” then you obviously get to do that as well. That kind of approach won’t get you what you want though. This is EXACTLY why dating is so great! It causes things to happen that would never have happened otherwise. I learned about sooooo many of my insecurities, triggers, feelings etc. through casual dating. Each person you sit in front of, regardless of attraction level, will make you feel something different inside. Dating is one of the most powerful platforms to expose what lives in the depths of you – just like it triggered your anxiety that one time. My very wise coach always says “You never know what a son of a bitch you are, until someone else is in the room.” That’s why I love dating as a platform to learn about yourself. People are reflective and people trigger all kinds of things. Every moment is an opportunity for learning, healing and growing. You want to be in love, right? That love is going to trigger the shit out of you! You are going to get hurt, feel betrayed, be disappointed, feel a ton of irritation etc. Dating is a GREAT way to practice and learn healthy ways to deal with all of that. Being in a relationship and creating a healthy, nourishing, vibrant love requires SKILL. It is not something that just happens. Dating is a platform to develop those skills. Seriously, try it for a month. Go out on 10 dates, with no expectation for anything and just go into each date with the mindset of learning about who you are, what you feel, how you talk, how you relate in front of 10 different personalities.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I am not such empty person. Thank you for pointing this out. It’s actually not what I meant and I need to say it in a better way! Co-depedent people live their lives for other people. If people didn’t have needs, that kind of person would feel empty inside because they wouldn’t really know how to relate to other people without figuring out how they can make the other person happy. This is on the extreme side, of course. I’m not saying this is the level that you function at, because I don’t know you. I’m speaking in general terms here.

The behavioural pattern that I am understanding and overcoming is my sense of guilt when naturally attracting x person, followed by
a sense of unworthiness when I repell those people when I stress about the potential attraction. Tell me more about this. What stresses you about the attraction? So your pattern is guilt + unworthiness = stress reaction about attraction?

It sounds like you are very clear now that you don’t want to fuel any of the attraction that is happening between the both of you. It sounds like you are clear that you want to shut things down…on your side of things. Am I understanding correctly?

My curiosity on the seductive/fixing relations packages comes from wondering how to approach the strategies and knowledge
that they present. The packages I encountered provide no critical advice on how to use them, and rather are sold as an ultimate fix.
So my questions don’t come from a place of “i want to seduce men because i need to prove my value and this is my way to do it”. I’m not sure what your question is. I think you are asking how to use the strategies? We can definitely go through all of that. Let me know what specific strategies you are referring to. I do just want to re-iterate what I said before there. The strategies themselves are just that…it’s a blank slate. HOW and WHY you use your strategies will make or break how they work. So again…your intention and the energy behind WHY you are using any strategy, is what will make or break the success of it. Make sense?

Heidi

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