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Hi Jessica,
I’m glad you are able to connect to the truth of who you ex is and honor his choice to be that way. Instead of wasting your energy trying to change him and your situation, you are really accepting of what is and embracing your own path of self-growth. Well done! It’s not easy, but you are finally choosing yourself in the biggest way. Time to shift that pattern, right?
I have always been that person who puts other needs before own. Tell us more about this. Do you know where and why you developed this pattern?
Also, I would say general terms, your parents had the perfect marriage. A perfect marriage is where 2 people are able to say, “You’re messy, I’m messy, but because you are worth fighting for and having in my life, I agree to work through those messy bits.”
When choosing a partner, I always coach people to choose a partner according to their worst, not their best. How a person behaves in their worst moments, is what will make or break a relationship fundamentally. You always want to look for a guy who is respectful of himself and others, even in his worst moments. Here is a good blog to explore: https://www.gottman.com/blog/category/column/the-four-horsemen/
Heidi
I’m glad you are able to embrace the idea of honoring his choice. I’m glad you were able to embrace the truth of how you were creating a fantasy about him and it’s not in alignment with who he actually is. Most people would spend a ton of energy trying to change the situation and the other person and avoid accepting what is. You are incredibly courageous to not go that route, and instead step into the truth and face it! I have a lot of respect for your choice!
But he’s a guy that’s stuck in his old ways as he said and don’t know how to change. And if I’m not a motivation, that says it all! Be careful here in the sense of creating a story around you not being enough motivation for him to change. This is NOT true. It has nothing to do with you. For people to have TRUE change that is sustainable, it has to be motivated from within – not from the outside. The real truth is, he doesn’t want to change for HIMSELF. He doesn’t have enough love for himself to fight for more in his life. He would rather stay in his old habits and sabotage connection that sources him, than face his fears and struggles and fight for connection. He gets to do that, of course – but it is not in service of his highest outcome – it’s instead in service to his fears and insecurities and limiting beliefs about himself and love. Someone cannot give you what they don’t have. Meaning…he doesn’t have a lot of self-love, so there is NO way he can give YOU love. The love he would be able to offer you would be quite limited, low functioning, and empty – all of which is not sustainable. So work on shifting your story that you were not enough for him to fight for you and change it to – he doesn’t think he is enough to fight for himself. Make sense?
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
Knowing you have a pattern of reading into things, this would be a good time to practice letting go of the story you have created around what has happened. The truth is, you have no idea what really happened – end of story. Sooooo many things could have happened in his life to cause him to become more distant OR maybe you are right that “consistent” scared him away. Either way, does it really matter?
I would say the MOST important thing to look at here, is whether or not you guys were on the same page and it doesn’t sound like you were. It sounds like you wanted a bit more than he did. But you guys were so new, so it’s hard to even make that determination, as you know so little about him.
The odds of him making plans with you again are pretty low. So maybe you can give him a little encouragement. He did reach out and you guys reminisced a bit – is there anything you can reach out to him about? If he knows you are comfortable still talking and maybe even becoming friends, he might be open to that. My guess is, he has no clue how you feel or that the door is even still open.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Yes…it’s possible this is what happened, but we are not mind-readers, so it’s just an educated guess. Many things could have happened. Maybe on his work trip, he ended up reconnecting with an ex-girlfriend and he wants to give that a shot again. Maybe he got some really bad news and he needs to just focus on himself right now. Maybe a higher-up in his company confronted him about his lack of work ethic and that he needs to be better or he will lose his job. Maybe Spyce is right and he is just being impulsive and deciding to slow things down. Who knows!
Here is the thing…you may never know. What’s more important than anything, is learning to be okay with that. We ALL love to have the answers to what went “wrong” and I sure don’t blame you for wanting to understand. But learning how to be comfortable not knowing, is actually a very important skill in life and you get to practice and develop it right now.
So the first thing to explore, is what is REALLY bothering about you this? What do you think it means about you, that he decided to put things on pause? Does it REALLY matter why? If you think about it, you JUST met this guy and he is already putting things on pause and gave you a very general answer – not really caring about how it affects you. To me, the reason why doesn’t even matter, because how he handled it was pretty wimpy and uncaring. That, in and of itself, is enough information for me to know this guy does not get to have the privilege of my time and energy. You deserve to be treated better than that – he is not up to par and that’s all the information you need to have, right?
Heidi
Hi Meagan,
Welcome! There is a lot to unpack here, so I have more questions to see if I understand your situation correctly.
1. What were you so depressed about when you met up with him?
2. How did you guys end up connecting in the first place?
3. Is it a religious belief of yours to wait until marriage?
4. Are you guys still talking? How often? I imagine it’s just texting at this point.
5. Why do you believe your heart chakra has been disconnected for a few years? I want to say that I have never heard of that before, so maybe I don’t understand what you are saying. Chakras can be messy, spinning in the opposite direction, running sluggishly, and gunked up, but I’ve never heard of one being disconnected. I’m guessing someone told you that? What does that mean to you?
6. I’m also wondering why you really like this guy. You barely know him. So what makes you want to try and resolve things with him?
7. You spent a few days together, yes? What did you guys do together?Looking forward to hearing from you!
Heidi
Whoa! The Netherlands for a few years?? That is a gorgeous place with a lot of mountains. Tell me what your thoughts are about that? And getting to retire in a few years? Seems there are some pretty strong reasons to take it. What is your hesitation about – other than needing to get your residency card?
I love that you get to meet this guy in a few weeks. It’s sooooo so important to meet someone in person as soon as possible. I like that he is leading, but also asking how you feel. That definitely is a good “leader” and it does make a woman feel like she can relax a bit. Are you guys flirty with each other at all? Did you guys talk about what you are going to do when you meet him? I’m a little confused…have you talked on the phone yet?
I get that it doesn’t feel good to have other companies take your work and own it for themselves. It doesn’t feel good. Maybe consider it a huge compliment so you can put some light around your feelings about it?
Heidi
The basic story of Valentine’s day is there was a time a country (I don’t remember which one) was at war…and for a very long time. The men were dying and the men that were to replenish the war, didn’t want to go. They wanted to stay home with their families. So the king at that time ordered no more marriages. St. Valentine secretly married a handful of couples, but they all got caught and were sentenced to death. I believe that’s the gist of it. So sad! Who knows if that is what really happened, but that’s the story.
He is sooooo confusing! My goodness! I kinda feel sorry for him (only a little), because being confused like that can be quite a struggle. I have no doubt he feels a strong connection with you that battles against whatever is stopping him from just letting go. When are you guys going to the theatre? When that is over, I wonder if he will continue to pursue occasional meetups.
I’m curious. Do you feel open to getting back in the dating pool? I’m sure the idea of it sounds exhausting on some level. I feel like someone like you needs to meet your guy organically and that is where you will find the best success. Pretty difficult right now with things shutting down though.
The “revealing slip” is what we usually call a “Freudian slip.” And you know…I would have to agree with you. Carl Jung – also a super famous psychologist and Frued’s student – said “your unconscious always meets you on the outside until you meet IT on the inside.” This is soooo well said! If people only knew how much what they did and said on the outside and how revealing it is of what is happening on their inside – we would be a completely different world. I would have to credit my obsession with learning the language of the subconscious to my successful dating life. I say successful in the sense that I always had pretty good experiences. Every single boyfriend I had was a pretty healthy relationship. I did have 1 messy relationship in college, but I learned quickly and never chose that again. I can see who a person is, many times before they even know themselves, just because I am reading the subconscious signals always showing up. So I know what I’m stepping into – or not. Dating is sooooo much easier with this kind of knowledge.
Do you have your Christmas tree up? Do you put out any other decorations? What are your plans?
Heidi
Yikes. Red flag with inviting you to Iceland! He is moving pretty fast. I’ve also found that guys tend to have a lot of t-shirts they don’t even really connect to. It’s interesting actually. It might be a t-shirt he got with the guys at an event and so it has a memory attached to it. Maybe he won it. Maybe it was a hand-me-down. Who knows. He sounds pretty aligned with how you live your life though. At least for now, he sounds fun to get to know more.
I love that you got that compliment. Wow! You are such a powerful force there. So what that the project is going down the drain. That’s okay! You are doing what you are doing – and doing a damg good job of it – and that’s all that matters. If the project crashes and burns, that’s on the other people, not you. And sometimes that needs to happen in order to rebuild, right? So maybe it’s a good thing!
Heidi
Thank you for sharing all of this! You are doing a GREAT job and I want you to know that. It’s all a process and every single one of us, on the healing path, struggle in the same way. Breaking lifetime patterns/programs is incredibly difficult.
The first thing I want to really re-iterate, is that your co-dependent tendencies exist because you have a GIANT heart. Co-dependents are typically people who DEEPLY love and DEEPLY connect. They are sensitive, they are highly aware of everyone’s needs, and they are incredibly generous and supportive. We NEED people like you in this world. Your ability to love and how you love is actually a gift you were born with. All that happened is that you were born into a very damaged family and those wounds caused your gift to magnify and turn into a coping mechanism.
So this is more about you learning how to protect this beautiful heart of yours. If you viewed your heart as sacred, an actual superpower, would you hand it over to just anybody?? No! You want your gift to be in service to people who valued it. In order to do that, it’s about you now finally turning your superpower on yourself. Take that incredibly beautiful heart of yours and turn it onto yourself. You have a little girl inside that sooooo desperately needs your love, encouragement, and support for healing. So it’s about turning your superpower onto her, shining the light onto her for a while so she can heal and align with the greatness that you truly are. It’s not easy and it’s a daily choice and action. What can you DO every single day, to show her that you love her? What can you do every single day to nourish and protect your beautiful heart?
My therapist in college gave me an assignment once. I had to say no to everything and anything that I felt and inkling that I didn’t want to do. I had an unusual mixture of being very co-dependent AND narcissistic. So I did have a lot of trouble saying no. So I told all my friends and boyfriend at the time about my assignment and that I needed support and that it was only temporary. Boy was it difficult! BUT….my “no” came online. I learned to get comfortable disappointing people and that I was okay. I learned that any pushback I got for saying no, was just temporary and the other person would just figure out another way to get their needs met – which in essence, is good for them, right? I got comfortable with the energetics of the word no. I got comfortable with other people’s discomfort. It took a while, but it brought me into balance. I was living in one extreme of always saying yes, I lived in the other extreme of saying no A LOT – and then I found the middle and have lived there ever since. Now, I am 100% comfortable protecting my balance. Every single day, I am in service to myself. Every single day, I do things that nourish ME. I always have flowers in my house, I am out in nature A LOT, I go to the dog park almost every day, I watch movies that are always happy and light or educational, I listen to podcasts that nourish me, I dance….every single day I am doing something to love myself. Small things often!
Thougths?
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more information. This makes complete sense now. He is not set up to have a successful, intimate relationship. Whatever he is holding onto from his past is getting in the way. His feelings about his father, shaped how he feels about himself. You have been his source of self-esteem for a long time, but that is NEVER enough – he has these deep core beliefs about himself, as a husband and father, that are full of lies and low self-esteem. He is the only one who can clear that baggage. He has been managing it for a long time, but eventually he breaks – which means he breaks up with you. This will happen over and over and over again until he deals with his baggage. He is emotionally set up to sabotage intimacy, not build it.
Breaking up is so hard because you love him for so many great reasons and you have to deal with the loss of those parts of him and you. It’s now at the point though, where it’s time to choose yourself and love yourself more than you love this very limited connection with him.
I want to suggest for you to write down what you DO want. Create a new vision of love that you want to experience. In that vision, get clear about some non-negotiables that you have. One of the hard parts about a breakup is that it creates a hole. One way to start to fill up that hole is to create a new vision. I also would suggest to do some self-reflection. You fell in love with a guy who is pretty limited and emotionally unavailable. There is something in YOU that took you down this path. What is it? What part of you felt okay about falling in love with a guy who didn’t source you, love you deeply and nourish you? That’s where you might find a part of yourself that is also not set up to have a deep, intimate, vibrant, and sustainable love. If you understand that we attract and align with people who have similar energetic wounding, we can learn about ourselves and our own baggage.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I’m glad you are opening your eyes to what is really happening here. The first thing to know is that he is going to accuse you again. Whatever insecurities and fears he is dealing with inside himself, are still there – and being that he is the type to not really do the work on himself and face those insecurities/fears, they will only get bigger over time. He is not set up for intimacy. He is not set up for vulnerability. He is not set up deep connection. What he IS set up for is sabotage. So taking him back, means you have your eyes wide open about the kind of guy you are choosing to give your heart to.
He said he wanted to come back, but has he apologized? Has he talked to you about why he changed his mind? Has he talked to you about how he was feeling? Why does he REALLY want to come back? Is it because he is lonely and now doesn’t want to face the pain of a breakup? (another moment of running away) or is it because he TRULY wants to be with YOU?
Tolerating fears and insecurities are a normal part of relationship. Tolerating when those fears and insecurities harm you or the relationship is where YOU then participate in that behavior. So I suggest you take a really long look at what you expect, how you want to be treated and then set up your boundaries to support that. BEFORE you talk with him, you need to get REALLY clear about the kind of relationship you want. What are your non-negotiables? What do you REQUIRE? And then you both sit down and talk about what you BOTH want the relationship to be like and the plan about how to support that. Maybe you guys go through a book together so you can both develop some skills. Maybe talk about working with a couples coach or therapist for a few months, so you can learn how to relate to each other better. After talking about what kind of relationship you want to build together, there needs to be an ACTION PLAN of how you guys plan on making that happen. It’s easy to talk about it, but implementing it is a whole different story. It takes work.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Allegra,
It sounds like everything went pretty smooth! You got to meet up with a sweet and funny guy. That’s always nice. I’m glad you are giving him a few dates to see how things feel. When are you going out again? Is he reaching out via text and staying in contact at all? Did you notice anything interesting about yourself while on the date? Any new reactions or feelings that are new for you? Any red or green flags you picked up on about him?
What about this 2nd guy…did you guys make any official plans yet?
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
Welcome! I’m sorry to hear about your breakup. It sounds like it came as a bit of a surprise for you and you were feeling/thinking you were going to marry this guy. Your life has turned completely upside down and it’s REALLY hard. I’ve been there many times. Thank goodness all of this is only temporary – but in the meantime, learning how to process everything is difficult. We are glad you are here.
Something feels a bit off about what you are explaining. For him to break up because he can’t tolerate some of your very normal behaviors (like yelling at the dog) just doesn’t seem like it’s the whole truth. We ALL have behaviors that irritate each other. Every couple could have a miles long list of behaviors that are irritating about their partner. However, it’s 100 miles long list of behaviors of why they love their partner. It feels like there is something much deeper that happened and maybe he is not telling you. Maybe he cheated on you and when someone holds something like that inside, it will eat at them and ruin/sabotage intimacy and so it can make his feelings about you change – to the point of needing to break up instead of telling you the truth. This is just an example – I’m not saying that’s what happened.
Either way, the point that this guy is at is honestly toxic. The reasons he gave for breaking up are pretty flimsy and if that’s all it takes for him to break up – yuk! He is not built or set up to have long term relationship. He obviously is not good at communicating or being authentic. Think about it…he started feeling this way 3 years go! What??? He went that long holding all of this stuff inside??? That is NOT a partner. That is someone running away from himself. You really want to go back to someone who isn’t willing to be authentic with you? You really want to go back to a guy who isn’t willing to fight for a healthy, honest relationship? He will do this again. He does not have the skillset to handle his emotions in a healthy. He keeps it all inside until he can’t stand it anymore. Is this what you want to go back to???
Of course there are many things to work on with yourself as well and being a better partner. I would not say that yelling at the dog to be quiet is one of them. I would not say sitting outside and talking to him while he smokes is one of them. I would not say baby talking with the dogs when you get home is one of them (everybody does that btw!) I mean, come on!!! Really??? He needs to grow up. That’s just normal stuff, normal behavior, and nothing that is damaging or harmful to him or anyone else. He is picking on you. The truth is, he has something happening inside that he doesn’t want to deal with, so instead he picks on you and blames you for how he feels. Not okay!
Regardless, he isn’t willing to work on things and that is enough to tell you that he is not a good partner. It doesn’t matter what you say or do, if he isn’t willing to do the work, then there is nothing left. He has to be willing to be a partner WITH you and that is something he doesn’t want to do anymore. First and foremost, he is not willing to take responsibility for his own shit, so it’s not much of a partnership anyways.
I know it hurts. I know you still think about him and want to talk with him and still feel love for him. It’s awful and hard to miss them and be rejected by them. I think though, that it’s worse to be with someone who is not authentic and who doesn’t love ALL of you. I think it’s worse to love someone and fight for someone who isn’t willing to do that in return. He hasn’t offered you a healthy, open, vibrant, authentic love in a looooong time, so the love you feel is more about the habit of having him in your daily life vs. a love that is actually alive and nourishing and deeply bonding.
Here is a video with some really good information: https://youtu.be/k0GQSJrpVhM
Heidi
I don’t tend to always please him because I know myself come first and I won’t tolerate any childish behavior from him anymore. You say this, but then you let him go through your phone. That IS childish behavior and fear and insecurity on his part and you participated in indulging that side of him. You have nothing to prove to him, yet you are tolerating the accusations about it. This guy is choosing not to believe you and even broke it off because he believes you are lying and yet you still want him back and want to be in a relationship with him. That is you putting HIS needs/insecurities/fears above yourself. If you TRULY had a standard as to how you want to be treated and cared for, you would not be trying to get back with a guy who believes you are a liar and cheater. Where are the boundaries here? You may have boundaries in other areas, but with this particular area, where are they?
There are absolutely things to tolerate in every relationship, but this is not one of them. His fears and insecurities are SO big that he would rather believe a story he created instead of what you are saying – to the point of breaking up. You think this is one of those things you should be tolerating?
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more information.
First things first. DO NOT EVER let anyone go through your phone. That is one of the HUGEST RED FLAGS. That is YOUR property and those messages are private and personal to YOU. He DOES NOT have the right to go through your phone, EVER. I don’t care what he thinks or feels – that’s about HIS insecurity and not for you to prove anything to him. Relationships DO need privacy on some level. Even after 20 years of being together, a person needs privacy – it’s healthy.
For him to make accusations without any evidence is a HUGE RED FLAG as well. He is not believing you and even breaking up with you, because he doesn’t believe you. Goodness. This guy does not have the ability to be in a relationship. He is holding onto his past and not letting things go and now he is bringing it onto you. If he is doing this now, imagine what he will be like after 10 years. There are going to be PLENTY of times where you hurt him, betray him, disappoint him – it’s just a normal part of relationships and being human. He is the kind of guy who is going to hold onto every single moment and never let you forget about it. The more he holds onto things, the thicker the walls will be – it will ruin intimacy. He already has broken up with you over this story he has created about you cheating and he refuses to believe you. So if this is already happening in the first year, you are in for a looooong, difficult road if you choose to stay with him.
It is NOT your job to fix him, convince him, change him, or prove anything to him. It is your job to just be yourself and fully and completely accept him – just as he is. So if you want to spend your life with a guy who doesn’t forgive and who isn’t emotionally set up to have a healthy, vibrant, nourishing love…then you get to do that. Just know what you are stepping into.
It’s also important for you to set boundaries for yourself. I’m wondering…why would you let him go through your phone? Why was he even wanting to in the first place? Do you have a tendency to just do what he says and whatever he wants? Do you tend to always want to please him even though it doesn’t please you?
Heidi
