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Hi Jody,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. It’s pretty awful feeling quite powerless in your relationship. It sounds like you are trying to make things better, but that he isn’t responding very well. It sounds like he has some pretty strong narcissistic tendencies – blaming you, punishing you, never taking responsibility for their contribution to the situation, and not interested in doing any work to mend things up.
You said he used to say and do all of those things. How long ago did things shift? Was there something specific that happened that changed everything?
I don’t blame you for being suspicious. It wouldn’t the first time a guy cheats with his best friend’s girl. There may be nothing sexually happening, but maybe there is flirting happening – so it’s at the first level of danger. Who knows.
I hate to tell you this, but if he is not willing to communicate and if he is not willing to work through things with you like a real adult, then there is not much you can do. You have to honor his right to be who he wants to be – and if that means he wants to punish you, he gets to do that. Do you have to receive being treated that way? Absolutely not. It sounds like you are just running around trying to please him, trying to get him to talk, apologizing for things that are, quite frankly, ridiculous (he can make his own dr. appointment), and you are doing all the work trying to connect with him and you are being met with a BIG, fat wall. Again…he gets to be this way. You cannot change him, nor do you want to spend the time trying. Full acceptance is one of the greatest gifts you can give someone. In that acceptance however, it also means you deciding who you are and how you expect to be treated. If it is unacceptable to you, then you have some decisions to make. Your relationship is broken. He is not being a partner in repairing it. Instead he is punishing you by withholding and blaming. This is not a guy who is interested in building intimacy, interested in having a healthy relationship, interested in growth and healing. With that being said…you are alone in your endeavors. You need to decide to either accept his terms and be in alignment with what he wants and reject what you want…or you don’t participate in HIS design and you leave. Yes…it’s kind of black and white like that, but far from easy to really face the truth and make any kind of decision that would uproot your life completely.
What if you started working with a therapist or coach who specializes in marriage? You can start to work on yourself, develop your skills, strengthen your self-esteem and then just take it one day at a time. Thoughts?
Heidi
as long as I stay true to myself I feel I will find happiness in life! This is the most powerful truth you can connect to. I love that you said this. I love that you are willing to fight for yourself. I love that you want to grow and heal. I love that are willing to do it, even if it means you will lose him – that is TRUE healing.
What specifically about your communication are you wanting to improve? What happened in your past that you feel is causing things to be more difficult?
And I just want to also point out, that anyone pointing the finger at someone else and blaming THEM for how the relationship is, needs some help too. He believe YOUR problems are the reasons for the fights, but he also contributes to what is happening as well. Where is HE taking responsibility for himself? Where is HE owning up to his limitations? Where is HE willing to work on himself? Instead…he wants YOU to go fix yourself (and not be around during the process) and then maybe get to have you back when you are all fixed??? Whaaaat??? That is not a guy who is set up to have deep intimacy. That is not a guy who is set up to have a sustainable, healthy, vibrant kind of love. Just something to consider.
So what are the next steps for you? How are you going to approach your healing? Have you talked with him about moving out yet?
Heidi
Meagan, be kind and compassionate and gentle with yourself. You feel how you feel because you are hurting. Adding guilt on top of that will just create more suffering. Judgment towards yourself makes it all that much more problematic. Instead, start your healing journey by forgiving yourself for your limitations, being gentle and compassionate for how you are feeling, and accepting of your humanness. This is the perfect time for you to implement self-love – especially when you are messy and imperfect. That’s where we all struggle and it’s actually the most important time to strengthen our relationship with ourselves.
I think it’s a good idea to give him some breathing room. Get to know yourself, love yourself, heal and maybe down the road he will be open to connecting with you again. If not, there will be someone else. Either way, it time to create an end to your last relationship and really allow yourself to move forward in a healthy way.
Heidi
What is Emil’s pattern? Does he tend to reach out daily? I wouldn’t think too much into the silence…not yet. He is going to have other women he is talking with and it sounds like he is a pretty busy guy with work. That’s nice that he texted after talking. That’s a good sign! And Rhonda, be kind to yourself. Anything that gets “messed up” by you, probably didn’t have much substance anyway. Remember…God is much bigger than any of your humanness and love can happen despite it or even because of it. You are so much more than your messiness and so is the man who will be captured by you just being you.
I sure hope you find a new job as well…very soon! I remember saying that about the last job too and this current one has been no better. In fact, I don’t remember you ever really liking where you were working. It seems every job has some serious problems. Your industry doesn’t sound like a very fun industry.
No plans for Christmas. Dropping off some pups back home, breakfast with mom, and probably putting away my Christmas decorations (they go up in early October – LOL). Simple, easy, and peaceful…just the way I like it.
Heidi
Just super short summary of Valentine’s Day: https://www.learningliftoff.com/truth-behind-valentines-day/
Wow! Your holidays are super busy. Do you like all of your extended family on both sides? Are your parents divorced? How many brothers and sisters do you have and what number are you? Does everyone get along pretty well?
Yes, it’s hard to plan with Covid when you don’t know what’s going to happen. Where I live though, it’s as if nothing happened – the only thing that is really different than “regular” life is people are wearing masks indoors – except for restaurants – only servers wear masks. So I think all domestic plans will be okay. I had a couple of clients travel to Hawaii for Thanksgiving and they said the planes were full and the airports felt just as busy as ever.
It makes sense how the speed at which you guys connected, influenced where you are at today. It’s still turning out okay though. Again, you sound very grounded, self-aware, and peaceful with everything. I love that you guys will stay connected and get to know each other at a slower pace. And I LOVE how many fun plans you have over the next few months – if it all ends up happening. Do you get presents for everyone too?? What is the spirit of the holiday that your family connects to? Any fun traditions specific to your families?
Heidi
Hi Eva,
There is a lot to go through here – you are sharing such great information, but I want to make sure we take baby steps through this and I help you connect to what is most important for you.
Can you give me some examples of some hypothetical girl who treat their sexuality and body as sacred, who protect their heart and time? I’ll just use myself as an example. I have very high standards. People call me “too picky” all of the time, but what they don’t understand is that I so deeply value my peace, my time, my heart, my body, so I am protective of all of those things. That means, a person has to have certain qualities before they get any of that from me. Basically, I have to KNOW that they embody qualities that would honor and respect all of that about me – and I know they embody those qualities because they too value those same things in their life. How someone treats themselves will tell you how they will treat you. Some guy who is walking up to you and just wants to have sex that night, tells you he doesn’t value his sexuality nor thinks of it as sacred. That tells you he is not picky with who he exchanges energy with. That tells you he doesn’t really respect women and the divine feminine energy. That tells you he most likely is pretty empty inside and is seeking ways to get attention and feel better about himself through sex. We teach people how to treat us. So because I deeply value myself, I expect someone else to treat me as such and if they don’t, they will easily go away. I also have developed my intuition pretty strongly. So when a guy approaches me, I can get a strong sense of his intentions, regardless of the words he uses. When I am sensing that his words and energy do not line up, I will start to ask certain questions and behave in certain ways to expose his REAL intent. Regardless, a guy who wants to have sex with me, needs to view his own sexuality as sacred, first and foremost. He will value and appreciate my high standards and he will value having to work to get to be in my life. AND…I will have to work for him as well – because he has his own standards as well. I remember reading a quote from Matthew McConohay talking about one of the first times he saw his wife. If I remember correctly, they were at a party together and she walked past him. She caught his attention just by how she carried herself. His first thought was “Now there is a woman who respects herself.” How we feel about ourselves is felt by other people. It comes from deep within us and that energy will act like a beacon and call others toward us. When I didn’t hold myself in high regard, I had guys approaching me all the time to have sex – and I gave it to them. I was easy. I was wounded and didn’t have much self-esteem. My “easiness” with sex was just a way for me to boost my self-esteem and to feel like I was valuable to somebody, even if it was just for a night. Guys could feel that about me from a mile away! LOL. Now, those kind of guys never approach me. Now I get approached by guys who truly want to have a conversation. Not that they don’t want to have sex, but they have control over that – as every guy should – and their sexuality is not leading their lives. The guys that approach me now are interested in actually knowing who I am, first and foremost – because that is what I require. My beacon is tuned to that intention, so it reaches the guys who are able to align with that. Does this help?
I think ,to answer the question, that i have to change the way that i present myself because i say too many indirect sex jokes sometimes, but i think that the problem is that i open up to quickly so they can know every particularity of my life without even putting effort. Yes, changing how you present yourself will help, but it won’t change how you feel about yourself inside. If you truly want to shift how you come across, it’s about doing deeper healing work and working with those negative thoughts and perceptions you carry about yourself. When those change, how you present yourself will naturally change.if someone would ask me “what would you change about your life ?”, i would say everything except for pole dance . I understand how you feel. You are carrying a lot of hurt inside and that will always keep you in suffering and not connected to joy.
“All these things that you don’t like about yourself, will ALWAYS be there” do you mean that in the future this things i dont like now about myself will be there or that there will always be something i dont like about myself? There will ALWAYS be something you don’t like about yourself. That changes as you heal, but there will always be something. So self-love becomes the practice – even in our messiness. I’m far from perfect at it, but when I am messy, when I am destructive, when I behave poorly, when I beat myself up – I am able to bring myself back to the truth…I am STILL loveable. I like to use the analogy of a Monet painting. When you stand close to a painting, it looks incredibly chaotic and you cannot see what you are actually looking at. It just looks like a bunch of dots and messiness that make no sense. But if you step far enough away, the picture takes shape and you all of a sudden can see the beauty and how those tiny little messy dots make up the big picture. So the times that I am looking at myself so close that I see all my messiness and that’s all I’m seeing – it’s depressing. But if I take a step back and look at myself as a whole – I am able to connect to the truth. Those messy bits also make me beautiful. I am dark AND I am light. I am messy AND I am powerful. I am limited AND I am limitless.
What do you mean by “accepting “ ?how can j accept things i dont like about myself without stopping trying to change it? Doesn’t accepting mean giving up? People often make this mistake. If you had a daughter who didn’t fit in at school and she came home crying to you because the girls she wanted to play with, excluded her – would you tell her she needs to change? Would you go buy her new clothes and start to train her how to fit in? Do you think that approach would make her feel any better? Of course not. That approach is teaching her that in order for her to be accepted, she has to change. That approach will just harm her soul and make her feel worse. Instead, a mom that approaches her daughter with love – who embraces her in her tears – who comforts her daughter’s heart and tells her that SHE loves her and thinks she is perfect just the way she is – THAT is an energy that is healing and connects that little girl to the truth. Do you think that if she is filled with love, that she can’t change? Acceptance just means you are filling yourself with self-love, just as you are. When you treat yourself that way, change will happen naturally and from a high vibration. Change will occur because it feels good and because it feels right and it is being sourced by self-love, not self-judgment. When people change only because they want a certain result, it’s a change that is short-lived. The energy sourcing that change comes from a low vibration and will only be temporary. Does this make sense?
There is a lot to keep talking about here, so keep asking your wonderful questions!!!
Here is a woman who actually teaches about what it means to be a woman these days. She helps you connect to the energies inside of you and value and appreciate those energies. Check her out and see if she resonates with you. If not, there are plenty others I can connect you with. https://www.michaelaboehm.com/
Heidi
Hi Meagan,
Thank you for sharing more details! This was really helpful and gives us a better starting place.
there’s probably many reasons for my saddness, one not being able to heal from a past love from 7 years ago so I am unhealed. I struggle to find healing, which I’ll be getting a therapist next week. What are you holding onto from your past? What is not healed?
I want to help him, but I don’t know what I should do, if he not interested in me why didn’t he not say that? I feel he could be a really good life partner. I’m not sure what I want quite yet. First and foremost, I understand you want to help him, but it’s not a healthy mindset, especially with a guy you just met. You need to turn that energy and attention onto yourself. Usually when someone puts their focus on someone else’s needs, it’s a distraction from their own needs and things they need to face about themselves. Although it’s a noble desire to want to help someone else, it’s actually not healthy. He is fully capable of helping himself if he really wanted. If he doesn’t want to help himself, then he gets to be that way – and you coming in trying help him will be a fruitless effort anyways – because he doesn’t WANT help. So I’m curious…what do you want to help him with?
Also, to say he would be a good life partner, is moving quite fast in your mind. I know you can’t help those thoughts coming up, but you CAN help yourself to get grounded in the truth that you actually do not know that. It’s interesting that you make this statement and then follow it with this next statement – which is contradictory.
To be fair, I’ve only known him in those two days, so I don’t know yet if there is romance, but would like to be friends first. How do I go about him opening up?
My guess is, you are just completely confused and you feel both ways. Yes? No?
In order to open him up, I think it’s important you really get clear and grounded in yourself first. You are still not healed from your last relationship, so starting there first would be important. Clear more of the gunk out of the way, that way when you connect with him or someone else, you are clear. It’s not fun to meet up on the first day and have a girl sad the entire time. Your depression, heart chakra stuff, is getting in the way of your ability to connect with someone from a clear energy. Until you really deal with what is happening for you on a deeper level, you are also emotionally unavailable. Make sense?
Heidi
Hi Allegra,
How did the 2nd date go? What did you guys do?
I know you are stepping out of your comfort zone, but make sure you also are honoring what is comfortable for you physically. If you don’t want to hold his hand, then don’t. If you don’t want to hug, then don’t. It’s a fine line you are walking by pushing yourself into something new, but also not betraying what feels comfortable for you. For example, it’s pretty fast to hold hands on the first date. Hugs are normal, but longer hugs might be a bit much. Personally, it sounds like this guy is moving a bit fast physically and I imagine most women would feel a bit uneasy about holding hands and a long hug with a guy they just met.
My point being, no matter your issues, still listen to your gut and what your body is telling you. Do not force yourself into anything that your body is telling you doesn’t feel okay…even if it’s just a hug!
I will get your email today and send you the info for my coach.
Heidi
What stresses me about attraction is that at times i feel guilty for enjoying another’s presence and wishing to discover them sensually/sexually; at times I feel unworthy of enjoying another’s presence and wishing to discover them sensually/sexually, so I have been often self-sabotaged; Let’s talk more about this. Do you know why you have these thoughts and feelings? Do you know when it started? Have you deeply explored these behaviors?
He asked me to postpone our meeting because he would break up with his girlfriend the day before our planned meeting and he asked me some space. I admit I am happy and excited. Be careful here. I don’t blame you for being excited, of course – but you are now in a position of being the rebound girl. Be VERY CLEAR about how you move forward with him. Regardless of him breaking up, he is not going to be emotionally available for a while – which means he will most likely just use you for sex and as a distraction. Is that something you are okay with?
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
I’m glad you are able to connect to the truth of who you ex is and honor his choice to be that way. Instead of wasting your energy trying to change him and your situation, you are really accepting of what is and embracing your own path of self-growth. Well done! It’s not easy, but you are finally choosing yourself in the biggest way. Time to shift that pattern, right?
I have always been that person who puts other needs before own. Tell us more about this. Do you know where and why you developed this pattern?
Also, I would say general terms, your parents had the perfect marriage. A perfect marriage is where 2 people are able to say, “You’re messy, I’m messy, but because you are worth fighting for and having in my life, I agree to work through those messy bits.”
When choosing a partner, I always coach people to choose a partner according to their worst, not their best. How a person behaves in their worst moments, is what will make or break a relationship fundamentally. You always want to look for a guy who is respectful of himself and others, even in his worst moments. Here is a good blog to explore: https://www.gottman.com/blog/category/column/the-four-horsemen/
Heidi
I’m glad you are able to embrace the idea of honoring his choice. I’m glad you were able to embrace the truth of how you were creating a fantasy about him and it’s not in alignment with who he actually is. Most people would spend a ton of energy trying to change the situation and the other person and avoid accepting what is. You are incredibly courageous to not go that route, and instead step into the truth and face it! I have a lot of respect for your choice!
But he’s a guy that’s stuck in his old ways as he said and don’t know how to change. And if I’m not a motivation, that says it all! Be careful here in the sense of creating a story around you not being enough motivation for him to change. This is NOT true. It has nothing to do with you. For people to have TRUE change that is sustainable, it has to be motivated from within – not from the outside. The real truth is, he doesn’t want to change for HIMSELF. He doesn’t have enough love for himself to fight for more in his life. He would rather stay in his old habits and sabotage connection that sources him, than face his fears and struggles and fight for connection. He gets to do that, of course – but it is not in service of his highest outcome – it’s instead in service to his fears and insecurities and limiting beliefs about himself and love. Someone cannot give you what they don’t have. Meaning…he doesn’t have a lot of self-love, so there is NO way he can give YOU love. The love he would be able to offer you would be quite limited, low functioning, and empty – all of which is not sustainable. So work on shifting your story that you were not enough for him to fight for you and change it to – he doesn’t think he is enough to fight for himself. Make sense?
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
Knowing you have a pattern of reading into things, this would be a good time to practice letting go of the story you have created around what has happened. The truth is, you have no idea what really happened – end of story. Sooooo many things could have happened in his life to cause him to become more distant OR maybe you are right that “consistent” scared him away. Either way, does it really matter?
I would say the MOST important thing to look at here, is whether or not you guys were on the same page and it doesn’t sound like you were. It sounds like you wanted a bit more than he did. But you guys were so new, so it’s hard to even make that determination, as you know so little about him.
The odds of him making plans with you again are pretty low. So maybe you can give him a little encouragement. He did reach out and you guys reminisced a bit – is there anything you can reach out to him about? If he knows you are comfortable still talking and maybe even becoming friends, he might be open to that. My guess is, he has no clue how you feel or that the door is even still open.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Yes…it’s possible this is what happened, but we are not mind-readers, so it’s just an educated guess. Many things could have happened. Maybe on his work trip, he ended up reconnecting with an ex-girlfriend and he wants to give that a shot again. Maybe he got some really bad news and he needs to just focus on himself right now. Maybe a higher-up in his company confronted him about his lack of work ethic and that he needs to be better or he will lose his job. Maybe Spyce is right and he is just being impulsive and deciding to slow things down. Who knows!
Here is the thing…you may never know. What’s more important than anything, is learning to be okay with that. We ALL love to have the answers to what went “wrong” and I sure don’t blame you for wanting to understand. But learning how to be comfortable not knowing, is actually a very important skill in life and you get to practice and develop it right now.
So the first thing to explore, is what is REALLY bothering about you this? What do you think it means about you, that he decided to put things on pause? Does it REALLY matter why? If you think about it, you JUST met this guy and he is already putting things on pause and gave you a very general answer – not really caring about how it affects you. To me, the reason why doesn’t even matter, because how he handled it was pretty wimpy and uncaring. That, in and of itself, is enough information for me to know this guy does not get to have the privilege of my time and energy. You deserve to be treated better than that – he is not up to par and that’s all the information you need to have, right?
Heidi
Hi Meagan,
Welcome! There is a lot to unpack here, so I have more questions to see if I understand your situation correctly.
1. What were you so depressed about when you met up with him?
2. How did you guys end up connecting in the first place?
3. Is it a religious belief of yours to wait until marriage?
4. Are you guys still talking? How often? I imagine it’s just texting at this point.
5. Why do you believe your heart chakra has been disconnected for a few years? I want to say that I have never heard of that before, so maybe I don’t understand what you are saying. Chakras can be messy, spinning in the opposite direction, running sluggishly, and gunked up, but I’ve never heard of one being disconnected. I’m guessing someone told you that? What does that mean to you?
6. I’m also wondering why you really like this guy. You barely know him. So what makes you want to try and resolve things with him?
7. You spent a few days together, yes? What did you guys do together?Looking forward to hearing from you!
Heidi
Whoa! The Netherlands for a few years?? That is a gorgeous place with a lot of mountains. Tell me what your thoughts are about that? And getting to retire in a few years? Seems there are some pretty strong reasons to take it. What is your hesitation about – other than needing to get your residency card?
I love that you get to meet this guy in a few weeks. It’s sooooo so important to meet someone in person as soon as possible. I like that he is leading, but also asking how you feel. That definitely is a good “leader” and it does make a woman feel like she can relax a bit. Are you guys flirty with each other at all? Did you guys talk about what you are going to do when you meet him? I’m a little confused…have you talked on the phone yet?
I get that it doesn’t feel good to have other companies take your work and own it for themselves. It doesn’t feel good. Maybe consider it a huge compliment so you can put some light around your feelings about it?
Heidi
