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Hi Celia,
It sounds like he really needs to figure out his life and you need to figure out your life. You say you need to work on yourself, but all your focus is on him, trying to fix him, help him, worry about him him him him….Let him figure his life out on his own. He is a grown man. It’s NOT healthy for you to try and help him. It’s like you are trying to be his savior. I know you don’t want him doing drugs again. I know you don’t want him going back to jail. I know he probably doesn’t have anyone to talk to…those are all HIS choices. He NEEDS to feel the consequences of his choices if he is ever going to get better. You cannot help him with what he needs help with. Besides, it’s very demeaning for him to have a woman come in and try to rescue him. It’s like you are acting like his mother. NO MAN likes how that feels. Let him go. Either accept him for who he is, which means he may do drugs again, he may go back to jail, he may spiral his life into more darkness – because those are the kinds of choices he makes. THIS IS WHO HE IS. Either accept it and stop trying to change him and rescue him (which is YOUR addiction) or face your own stuff and realize that he not available for you in the way you want and let him go.
This is the greatest gift you could give him and yourself. Spending all your time worrying about him, trying to fix him, and trying to help him means you are not helping yourself and you are crossing his boundaries.
So what do you want to do? Accept him or let him go?
Heidi
Celia, it’s NOT okay to be called names. That is NOT love. That is abusive. That is very harmful to you. It sounds like this is the kind of person he is when he gets upset. It doesn’t matter how wonderful things are when everything is good, it matters MORE how you both treat each other when things are challenging. And from what you are telling me, neither of you are respectful and honoring towards each other when there is upset. THIS IS NOT OKAY!!!
I’m curious…why are you fighting to stay connected to a guy who calls you names? Do you think that somehow he will change or that it’s okay or that it’s normal?
Heidi
Hi Michi,
I am soooo so sorry for everything you are going through. I know how terrifying it can be to have your entire world fall apart right before your eyes and not have any way to stop it.
I know you want to fight for this. You have invested many years of your heart, your body, and your mind into this marriage and now he is asking you to let go of all of that. It’s heartbreaking.
The thing is Michi…it sounds like an ending is what is inevitable at this point. No matter how much you want to fight for this marriage, he does not. He is not willing to do whatever it takes to find the spark again. It sounds like, for right now, he is interested in being alone and living the single life. He gets to chose the design of his life and it’s important that you respect that his choices are what is right for HIM. I know they go against what is right for you and that’s the hard part about any relationship. Regardless, it doesn’t change that he for now, he wants to move on and he is clearly communicating that.
You have a beautiful fighting spirit Michi and I’m sure it has helped you many times in your life. Sometimes though, it’s okay to put down your “sword” and surrender to what is happening. I know how hard this is, as all kinds of fears and difficult/heavy emotions come up from having to face the loss. However, what kind of marriage are you fighting for anyways? It would be YOU doing all the work to try and save your relationship while he just goes on with his life. That’s NOT a relationship anymore. He NEEDS to go feel his life separate from you now. Who knows what has triggered him into the phase of his life, but nonetheless, it’s happening.
It’s awful AND it allows you an opportunity for healing and becoming even stronger than you are now. It allows you other experiences of love that could be 100x greater than what he has ever offered you. It allows you to get to know yourself separate than him. There are many gifts waiting for you once you step into acceptance of his choice and that an ending of your marriage is here. Instead of fighting it, embrace it, accept it, learn from it, grow from it, and strengthen your resilience.
Heidi
It’s not about consequence. It’s more having the opportunity to see your fears and move forward anyways. Yes, you all may run in the same circles AND you will soon learn to say “so what!” Life goes on. People move on. Healing is available to everyone, whether they invite it in or not. Regardless, you are going to face your fears and step outside of your comfort zone and discover that you will be okay. You are choosing to keep moving WITH your fears instead of running from them…which is what he did. This is amazing and shows you how incredibly strong you are. It takes and INCREDIBLE amount of courage to feel terrified and do it anyways. Give yourself some serious praise for your choice!!!
I’m sure there is also a part of you hoping to see him. Even if you don’t, you will run into people who know both of you and in some way, that’s a closer connection to him than you have had in a while. Remember how you felt about meeting with his sister in law? Just remember that you are strong enough to handle whatever shows up. Stay empowered. If you run into him and have a conversation DO NOT ask him “why this or why that…” kind of stuff. That’s giving HIM your power. Remember the “why” doesn’t matter. If he volunteers it, then that’s his choice, but DO NOT ask. Just smile, be nice and move about your way and take care of yourself.
Heidi
Of course you are tired Cindi. You are unlocking some REALLY big truths about yourself and finally opening your eyes to some of your own limiting patterns. There is nothing easy about that. It’s a lot of work AND it’s all worth it once you get to the other side. There is nothing about your patterns that is horrible Cindi. You are quite normal. It’s all so hard for you because of the judgment and criticism you have about yourself. If you take that away and instead look at your patterns as just something for you to look at and work with, no big deal….it changes your relationship with those patterns you are seeing within yourself. It takes time though. I’ve been doing this kind of internal work for 30 years now and I remember reaching a point where I just said “Oh! I see you. I see you’re enabling. I see your manipulation. I see your judgment. I acknowledge you. Let’s take a journey.” I got to a point where I realized that if it wasn’t one thing, it was another. I would clear something BIG and then another thing would pop up. Their reality is, it’s a FOREVER journey. It never stops. What changes is how we end up viewing what comes up. Even to this day, I still deal with major insecurities and sabotaging patterns. And you know what? I don’t care anymore. It’s just part of my humanness and I deal with them when they appear and love myself through it and move on KNOWING they will visit me again and again and again. This is the point you want to get to….being able to just look at your shadow side, your limitations, your fears and insecurities and know they will be with you forever….so embrace them as part of you…as your teachers. When you are able to love ALL of who you are, then you will be able to give and receive a much higher frequency of love – because any man you fall in love with, no matter how incredible he is, has a shadow side too.
It’s a very common fear running into a recent ex. We all have faced it many times and you know what? No matter what happens, it’s okay. You could run into him and it could be the most awkward conversation you have ever had in your life or it could be short and sweet or it could be triggering or you may not run into him at all. You never know what is going to happen. What is important is that you stay connected to your inner strength and wisdom. You stay connected to yourself which keeps you empowered. You are going to the festival for YOU because you are wanting to expand your world with like-minded people and maybe make some new friends. If he happens to cross your path, you will be okay. You have already gone through the worst of it and you are learning that although this is a hard season for you, you are still here, you are still working out, you are meeting new people, you are figuring out your life without him. That is how resilient you are.
Heidi
Hi Celia,
Although your heart was in the right place of wanting to help Joe, contacting HIS phone company was not your place. You helped him when he didn’t ask for it. You crossed the line into his personal world and that does 2 things. #1 it sends a message to him that you don’t think he is capable of fixing his phone issues on his own and #2 you are forcing yourself on him. That would cause him to want to put up very strong boundaries. I know it was very innocent on your side, but a good rule of thumb to always follow is DO NOT help someone when they haven’t asked for your help…especially a guy. He can handle his life all on his own. He is an adult and knows how to problem solve, so let him do that.
He clearly showed you that he was upset about your choice and from what you have written here, I’m not seeing you acknowledge that he was upset and I’m not seeing you apologize for crossing a boundary. It looks like you just ignore how he felt and that you are confused by his reaction. And then you just keep trying to be nice and send sweet messages even though he isn’t responding.
How about you apologize and let him know that although your intention was to help, it was not your place and that he has every right to be upset about it. I’m so sorry and I will be better at respecting your boundaries. I hope you are well.
Short, sweet, and simple.
Heidi
Hi Michi!
I’m not sure Emma is a member anymore. Usually when there is not response after several months, people have moved on.
I’d be happy to talk with you though. What brought you here? What are you hoping to learn? What are you hoping to change in your life?
Heidi
Well it sounds like communication can be really difficult with him right now, because of his phone situation. I imagine it’s just easiest for you guys to see each other in person. Is that possible? Is there something happening nearby where he lives, that you can attend and maybe you guys meet up at a nearby coffee house?
Heidi
If talking to Joe pushes him away, then that’s a pretty clear sign that Joe is NOT ready for what you want. There is only so much you can do Celia. Joe is who he is and he carries a lot of fear and low self-esteem, so that means that he may not be ready for what you want and there is nothing you can do about that except wait until someday he feels ready (which may never happen) or you decide you want to move on and be with a man who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to know you and be with you. You get to choose.
I understand you sometimes have a hard time with words. That’s okay! It’s part of who you are too. We ALL have struggles in different areas of our lives and it’s important that we find someone that ACCEPTS and LOVES us for exactly who we are. Just keep doing the best you can, keep learning and growing. That’s enough. That’s all any of us can do.
For Joe, when you do talk to him, offer SMALL compliments. Like…”I was thinking about you the other day. I was thinking about your smile. You really have a great smile!” Or…I saw a guy the other day that looked soooooo much like you! It made me want to run up and give you a hug! I always loved being in your arms.” Simple compliments like that can help him feel good when he talks with you. Don’t overdue it though. Just do 1 compliment ONLY. More than that can be overwhelming for a guy like him and scare him away. Keep being patient and most of all TRUST that however things turn out for you guys, whether together or apart…it’s all going to be okay. Dating and love is about the journey and the moments you get to learn about yourself. There are many many things to learn when dating someone. So whether it works out or not, it’s never a waste of time. There are always many things to learn.
Heidi
Well, as long as you have a connection with another man, it will pollute your connection with Joe. So I suggest you deal with that sooner than later.
As far as Joe, you are already planning your future together and you aren’t even in a relationship. SLOW DOWN your thinking. Let things develop naturally. He has A LOT of low self-esteem which means he is easily scared. So continue to be responsive and let him take the lead. I’m a little unclear as to how often you guys are talking. He sent you that email, but have you guys actually talked in person yet?
Heidi
Have you ever used the app insight timer? It’s free and has hundreds of short guided meditations, sound baths, live events etc. It’s a phenomenal resource. I know they have meditations and guidance for dealing with a breakup. Maybe check it out and add it to your toolbox.
Here are a few quotes that may help you through today:
Life will present you with the people and circumstance to reveal where you are not free.
It’s not for the outside world to try and compensate for the part of you that feels is insufficient. Let your love be greater than your fear.
Our pain is the breaking of the shell that surrounds our understanding…the suffering from the past is finite but the gifts of the path are infinite.
Resistance is the cause of all suffering.
Today Cindi, is a new day. Tell your broken heart that it’s okay to heal now. There is new life, new opportunity, and new adventures to look forward to. It’s okay to heal.
Heidi
Oh well done! I love that you were able to get a refund! That must have felt good!
Where do you feel like you are getting stuck? What are the specific looping thoughts that are keeping you in pain?
What exactly feels like it’s getting harder? To stay away? To manage your impulse to reach out?
Heidi
