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Fingers crossed that will help prepare me for when the right guy crosses my path! EVERYTHING you do to develop new skills, communication, facing your fears, and stepping into new sides of yourself, will absolutely help you when the “right” guy comes across your path. Which leads me into helping you have a more expanded perspective of the “right” guy. Instead of thinking that there is 1 “right” guy for you, believe that EVERY guy is the “right” guy for you…FOR RIGHT NOW. There is NO GUARANTEE of anything lasting “forever,” so take the pressure off and view each guy that you have an interaction with, IS the “right” guy to help you get to know yourself. Some guys will be fleeting experiences and some guys will last a little longer. And occasionally you might find a guy who has the right stuff to inspire something much deeper. Either way, if you view relationships and love in general as part of the schooling and that each guy is a teacher, showing you new sides to yourself, showing you where your triggers are, exposing your insecurities and low self esteem, exposing your greatness….then you can appreciate and value each experience, no matter how long it lasts. I know you imagine falling deeply in love and being with that person forever and that means he is the “right” one, but again….lasting forever could or could not happen. I’ve seen 20+ year marriages fall apart, so all that means is the relationship ran its course, they were the “right” ones for each other for a season, and it’s time to do something different. So maybe consider that each guy you interact with, always holds something valuable for you.
I get that flirting can be more scary than just being blunt and to the point. This is great though! You obviously can choose that route, but why not expand yourself. Why not face these fears? He is the PERFECT person to be awkward with! You guys have such a strong connection, that it definitely can withstand you growing and expanding in new ways. Besides, if he bails because you get awkward, then that is something you need to know about him then, isn’t it? If you stay small and hide your imperfections or always color within the lines so you can keep his attention, so you can make sure you don’t scare him away, then that is YOU trying to be “perfect.” That is an incredibly dangerous way to function within a relationship. How is he ever supposed to TRULY know you, if you are hiding parts of yourself because you are afraid of losing him? How is the relationship ever going to grow, if you stay the same all the time? Why not step into flirting, find your own version of what that means for you, be courageous and allow yourself to be awkward, and challenge the relationship? It’s good for you and it’s good for him. You have to keep learning that your connection can withstand different energies and that he is able to love you and value you, even WITH your imperfections!! So….I know it’s super scary, so I think that’s an even stronger reason you should flirt and NOT be blunt. Do the hard thing because you want to grow. Do the scary thing because you want to be the kind of person and partner who faces her fears instead of running from them. Step into the gray and get to know that space because there is A LOT of gray in love.
I love that you are working on a new mindset about looking at him at work. Working on that “ashamed” feeling and changing the narrative around it, can definitely help you develop new strength to OWN how you feel, even at work. It’s always a risk for sure, but what is more important than that risk, is the belief that whether or not you get what you want out of this, you are interested in becoming more confident, more authentic, and growing more internally strong. Well done!!!
Thoughts on all of this?
Heidi
Hi Lisa,
Great to hear from you!
I understand your frustration and confusion about dating. It can be confusing, because there are a lot of mixed signals out there, mostly because a lot of people don’t know themselves very well and they let their feelings lead them, which is a very dangerous thing to do. Our feelings are NOT stable, especially when just getting to know someone.
There are a few things we can talk about here. First, I’m noticing that what you are concerned about is whether or not he likes you. I want to invite you to think about this differently…and this applies to ALL dating. Instead of focusing on whether or not he likes you, focus on whether or not he meets YOUR standards. By focusing on HIS feelings, you are completely ignoring YOUR experience, which is the most important by the way. You went on one date and it sounds like you had some fun together and that he was a nice guy. I get that you want a second date with him, but part of your standards needs to be that he initiates with you. Part of your standards needs to be that he has something natural and organic within him that wants to reach out and continue to get to know you. If he doesn’t have that, then he is not the right fit for you, no matter how much fun you guys had. I understand it may be confusing that a guy wouldn’t ask for a second date after having a lot of fun together, but that’s about HIS journey and not about yours. And HIS journey is not what you need to concern yourself with. What you need to concern yourself with are his ACTIONS. It’s pretty black and white here. He reaches out or he doesn’t for a second date. If he doesn’t, then that is something you need to know about him, right? It doesn’t matter why, ALL THAT MATTERS is that he didn’t reach out, so stop your mind from circling and circling and circling around the “why” behind his behavior and switch your perspective to “I want a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to know me. This guy is not initiating a second date, there is very little conversation happening so he isn’t making much effort to get to know me outside of being in person, so he is not for me.” Again, instead of looking at HIS feelings, focus on yourself and how you want to be treated. By focusing on whether or not he wants a second date with you, that is you putting your value and the choice in HIS hands, instead of staying empowered and making this about YOU screening him to see if he is good enough for you.
And I do want to say…it’s only been one date. You don’t know this guy, you don’t know his patterns, you don’t know anything…and you are already wanting to push things faster….just like you wanted to do with the last guy. It seems to be a pattern that you move very quickly. It seems to be your thing to quickly attach and make the guy your entire world and your entire focus. Would you say this is true? Let’s talk about this more.
I would suggest to 100% let this guy take the lead. If he doesn’t initiate, if he doesn’t ask you out again, then move on. DO NOT ask if he felt a connection. DO NOT ask for a second date. That is you being the initiator and that will come across 100% as needy, desperate, controlling, or too fast. His actions give you the answer. In the beginning of ALL dating, the actions are far more meaningful than any words. So if his actions are telling you that he doesn’t want to connect very much, he doesn’t call to talk, he doesn’t ask you out again…then you have your answer.
I hate this part of dating and it makes me mad that my time was wasted for 6 months this year :(. Awwww! You feel you wasted 6 months??? Listen Lisa, there is NEVER a wasting of time. The reality is, there is A LOT for you to learn. It seems like you are so focused on falling in love and finding your guy, that if it doesn’t have that result, then it’s a waste. View dating as a school. There is ALWAYS something to learn about yourself and that means that every single date has value in it. I have been on hundreds and hundreds of dates and you know why? Because my focus was always wanting to learn about myself, develop new skills, become a better connector, a better communicator, become more aware of my insecurities….so never once was a failed, lousy date a waste of time. Never once was a deeper experience with a guy that didn’t work out, a waste of my time. It’s about the journey, NOT the destination. If all you are interested in, is falling in love, then you are going to be MISERABLE dating. You are going to keep hating the confusion, the mixed messages, and the rejection. I would say to STOP dating, work with your therapist for a while and really get grounded in yourself and strengthen your self-esteem, work with your need to jump in and control, and then enter back into dating. It seems you put a lot of your value in THIER hands and that makes dating extremely painful. Rejection is part of this journey, however it is the greatest gift a guy could give you. Why? Because when a guy rejects you, it’s a GOLDEN opportunity to learn how to love yourself, choose yourself, and strengthen your inner connection with yourself. It’s through all of the rejections I had to deal with, that I was able to strengthen my connection with myself. Meaning, when a guy didn’t choose me, I learned how to choose myself. That’s how we stay empowered in the face of rejection. That’s how WE become the ones to determine our value and stop giving it to a guy to decide for us. That’s how we don’t lose ourselves in relationship and love. So when a guy is not behaving the way I want, or giving me enough attention, or making me feel not valued, instead of looking to him to fix how I feel, I know how to fix myself. I know how to address my own insecurities. I know how to let go of control and just let him be who he needs to be and then I decide from that place, whether or not it works for ME, and not the other way around.
I know I’ve said a lot here and hopefully it wasn’t overwhelming. What are your thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Anna!
So tell me more about your fears of flirting with him. What EXACTLY is the fear? What story in your mind is creating that fear? I think it’s a great idea to start practicing with him. Start small. Maybe a touch on the arm…maybe look a little longer at him while at work instead of looking away so fast. And I’m wondering why you feel “guilty” if he catches you looking at him. Where is the guilt coming from? Why guilt?
I get that neither of you have much experience in the romance department which is actually pretty fantastic!!! You both will have patience and understanding for each other as you guys navigate something completely new. Someone more experienced and comfortable would not be as patient, so you guys are actually a pretty great match!
The prospect of dating scares me a little, especially because I’m reluctant to settle for anything less than the deep connection I have with my guy I get that it scares you. Dating is actually pretty tough these days through the apps. Back in my dating days, everything was organic and happened naturally and it was soooooooo much more fun to date back then. Since the apps became the go-to for dating, it’s changed everything in a lot of ways that can be pretty upsetting. So first, I want to validate your nervousness about the idea. Second, I want you to think of dating NOT as a way to meet your “person” but instead like you are going to school. You have no experience in the romance department or going on dates, so just view dating as a way to educate yourself. It’s a place for you to learn how to deal with rejection, to learn how to say no and reject them, to learn how to communicate and set boundaries…I mean there are a gazillion relationship skills that can be developed and practiced while dating…all to help you get ready for whenever your “guy” is ready for you. Most of all, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, you will get to know a different side to yourself. You will discover insecurities, fears, strengths, how different guys view you, and how to navigate all of that while staying connected and loving to yourself first and foremost.
I would say for now, stay off the apps. It’s honestly a pretty tough game to play and not a way I would want someone with no experience to get exposed. How about joining some in person groups. Check out local Facebook groups or something like Meetup. Find local activities that you love doing, and go with groups of people. That way, there is no “dating” on the mind, you will practice meeting new people, and you can build confidence that way first. And keep your energy open to possibly connect with a guy at those activities. Do you like dancing? Maybe you could find a dance studio and start taking classes. Do you like dogs? I can’t tell you how many guys I have met because of my dog! Dogs are great ice breakers! My point is, your best bet to meet someone you can go on dates with, is go do the things you love to do and you will meet like-minded people, make new friends and expand your world.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
Thank you for sharing more of your story! It really is beautiful how you both support each other so much!
Let’s talk flirting. I LOVE LOVE LOVE how much you are complimenting him and receiving his help and asking for his support. WELL DONE! Keep that up!!! FOREVER!!!! Do not ever stop doing that, as it is soooo so important for the man to feel like he has a purpose in his woman’s life. Flirting however, is more about heading into the territory of attraction. Flirting lets the other person know there is ATTRACTION….sexual, chemical attraction. Everything you are saying to him is about him as a person. Flirting would be more saying things about how he makes you feel, things you notice about him physically and most of all, letting him know that he affects you…that you want him. For example, saying something like, “I know I’ve never said this to you before because I get a little nervous, but I really love your eyes. Sometimes, when you look at me, I get butterflies.” Or…”Wow! You kinda look sexy today. I love the messy hair.” Do you see what I’m getting at? BUT…more than anything, it’s about the delivery MORE than the words. It’s your body language as you say something, your tone of voice, the look you give him, HOW you touch his arm. You actually don’t have to say anything and let your body speak for you and he will get the message. It may make him uncomfortable since he is awkward in the romance department, but personally…I think that’s a good thing. He needs to step up. From what you said, that side of him DOES exist, so he needs to step into it with you.
It’s really hard to explain flirting over this platform, but what I suggest is to watch some movies. Watch the body language of a woman who is flirting, what she says, how she sends him the message. It’s allowing the feelings you have for him to fill your body and then your body, your look, your smile, your touch tells him that story accompanied by a compliment or something you noticed about him. There are a ton of ways to flirt, so you need to find what feels comfortable for you….your unique way of flirting that feels like your personality. For me, I was an expert flirt. I knew all the different ways to get a guy’s attention. I knew how to be bashful and shy, I knew how to be strong and more aggressive / blunt, I knew how to play hard to get, I knew how to send the look and smile across the room….but I could be all of those things because I knew how to let the chemistry be free in my body so I could have the right kind of energy to be flirtatious. That honestly is the key…letting your feelings be free and allowing them to be expressed through your body. Does that make sense?
Here is a short video to maybe help you get started: https://youtu.be/sYYBJyo4hzo?si=LOVLVTiBE2CJVW9g
Let me know what you think. Let’s keep talking about this too! See if you can shift your connection with him to something more than friendship just through spicing it up a little. This may give him the courage to respond.
Lastly, it’s sooooooo important to understand that he just may not have the capacity right now. For a man, being the provider is one of the most important roles for him. He is doing it for his family right now and his career is in transition, so this is one of the BIGGEST, more CORE areas in a man’s life. In my experience, when a man does not have his career and provider role figured out (as an adult), his ability to be present and open to a deep relationship is just not there. Most men need to feel settled, rooted, and clear about this area of their life before settling in with a woman. So…he may feel like he needs to get his life figured out BEFORE feeling confident to invite you into that romantic side. You might need a lot of patience for a handful of months while he figures out his life. And that means, not sharing your feelings quite yet. That means letting him take the lead. That means, keeping the door open for other experiences as well. Go out and date and meet other types of guys. They won’t compare to your connection with him, but that’s okay! Dating is a GREAT way to get to know yourself, practice certain skills like communication, setting boundaries, dealing with different personalities, and just getting practice. You can keep connecting with your guy and being available, but don’t put your life on hold either.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
Welcome!!! Thank you for sharing your story! It’s actually quite a beautiful story. It sounds like you both have developed an incredibly powerful, authentic, supportive and nourishing connection. I love that you both get to feel something like this at such a young age.
I will be happy to share some of my thoughts and then you can decide what is best for you.
First, I’m wondering what is happening for him that he hasn’t made a move yet. It’s been quite a long time and for a guy NOT to want to take things to the next level with a woman he is so connected to…well, there is something “off” about that. He could be afraid, he could have some of his masculine energy damaged, so he is not very good at initiating and going after what he wants (this type of pattern can show up when the mother is VERY dominant, shaming, and critical) or….he just doesn’t feel that way about you (which I find hard to believe).
If he is afraid for some reason and doesn’t want to lose the friendship you guys have built (which is the same fear as you), then this can be a red flag. It’s sooooo important that each of us face our fears. If he doesn’t know how to do that, then fear will control his life and that doesn’t make for a very good partner in life. If his masculine energy (the initiator, the doer, the go getter part of him) has been damaged, then that also is a red flag. He could end up being more submissive, more co-dependent where he puts the decisions into your hands, and that is a very toxic pattern. By the way….you know him ONLY as a friend and I will tell you that I have seen this a gazillion times…people are great in friendships, but the moment it crosses over into romance, they become a much more difficult person to be with. Romance and love trigger things deep inside someone and activates so many dysfunctional patterns in all of us, so as much as you love him and feel like you know him, there is sooooooo much more you will never know until it crosses over into a romance.
Here is the thing Anna. There is something inherently valuable for the man to be the one who initiates. It’s an expression of his core energy. When a man initiates, it allows a woman to be in her feminine by being the receiver. If the woman initiates, it can get a little mucky because the roles get reversed. It puts the man in the receiving state and the woman in the initiating state and although it’s not the end of the world by any means, it IS something that can become a dysfunctional pattern.
I know you have super strong feelings for him, but let me ask you this. Wouldn’t it feel amazing to have him step up, look you in the eyes and say “I want to be with you. You are the most amazing woman and I can’t imagine going another day without being with you.” To have a man take initiative…to have a man face his fears and go for it…to have a man be vulnerable and express what he wants at the risk of rejection….well – there is something inherently important in that process for the man AND to have his woman witness his courage. When a woman doesn’t see her man be courageous and do the scary thing, face his fears, take initiative…it actually causes a woman to NOT feel safe with him and that, in and of itself, will slowly wear away at the relationship over time.
If he isn’t willing to face his fears right now and instead you initiate, then in a way, you are stealing a very important moment away from him. You are stealing a right of passage so to speak, which is an important process needed to enter into a relationship with a woman. “Courting,” although not a very prominent process used these days, is actually a very important process for both the man in the woman and sets them up in the most natural ways – the man being the initiator and the woman being the receiver.
So honestly, I would suggest NOT to say anything, because HE needs to be the one to initiate. And the truth is, if he never does…then that is something you need to know about him. He either doesn’t have feelings for you or he is being controlled by fear. Either way, it doesn’t work. He needs to fight for you if he wants to be with you.
What I would suggest instead, is to give him some clues about how you are feeling. Do you guys ever flirt with each other? Do you ever dress in a way that would get his attention? Do you ever hint at your attraction towards him? A guy sometimes just needs encouragement. I’m wondering that since you guys are such good friends, maybe the flirty, sexy side of you doesn’t ever come out with him or vice versa.
If you do decide you want to say something, what are you hoping to happen? I imagine you want him to admit to his feelings too and then you guys are in a relationship? If yes, how do you foresee that going with him moving away? Do you imagine being in a long distance relationship?
How far away will he be once he goes home?
Heidi
Hey there!
Welcome! I’m glad you are here asking a question you are very afraid of asking. I don’t blame you. After being married for 24 years, it’s a terrifying thought that things are not heading in the direction you want and there is a possibility of losing him. Good job for having the courage to ask this!!!
Do YOU have positive moments with him? What is the condition of your marriage? Are you intimate? What is your communication like? Do you have date nights?
Have you asked him about his behavior directly? Has he ever done this before?
Heidi
Hi Lona,
I want to encourage you to go VERY slow here. You both were in very long term relationships and the loss of those relationships is multilayered and FULL of all kinds of feelings and memories and healing from that kind of loss takes YEARS!!!
I’m wondering if you wanting to be his wallpaper picture has more to do with you avoiding the feelings of loss by focusing your attention on strongly connecting with him so he can fill that hole in your life where your husband used to be. Wanting to be someone’s wallpaper on their phone only after a month of dating is VERY fast for anyone. That is a potential red flag to me. Would you be willing to explore this?
Heidi
Hi Lona,
Welcome! We are glad you are here.
How long have you both been dating? I imagine not very long since your husband died only 7 months ago. How long were you married? I’m so sorry you are both dealing with major losses in your lives. It’s so incredibly difficult and grief is multilayered and everyone goes through those layers differently.
I’m wondering…what’s the rush? It sounds like he really enjoys being around you and with you. What do you think it means that he hasn’t put your picture as his wallpaper? The truth is, you will ALWAYS be compared to his late wife and he will be compared to your late husband. It’s just part of human nature. When he is ready, he will change the picture and the truth is, he may never do that. So what. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you. So instead of wanting him to change to fit YOUR agenda, how about just accepting his choice and not putting a meaning on it that you are not special to him. For me, my last dog was my soul dog. He was the greatest and most powerful connection I have ever felt in my life. He died 2 years ago. I have a new dog that I love love love, but my last dog is the wallpaper on my phone. For now, it’s what I want. I enjoy seeing my last dog’s face, his eyes, the tilt of his head. It makes me smile. It does not diminish how much I love my current dog. Love is like a tree. The person is the tree trunk and each branch is love that goes out to a person. Some branches will dies off completely and some branches keep producing leaves and fruit. Love does NOT require all the other branches to dies off in order to focus on keeping one branch alive and fruitful. Love expresses itself differently according to who it’s interacting with, so that means your guy can love his late wife, you can love your late husband AND allow a new branch to grow for each other. One does NOT have to replace another. The heart is big enough, love is big enough to grow in many different directions and many different ways.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Haylee,
I thought I’d check in. What are your thoughts about what I said? Do you have any other questions? Have there been any new developments?
Heidi
Hi Haylee,
Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like this is a pretty drama filled relationship. He sounds VERY unclear and that he is just playing games with you. The kinds of things you are explaining that he is doing, sound like he is staying connected in order to get money, use your car, and get your attention/affection.
The thing is Haylee, YOU are the one teaching him that it’s okay for him to treat you this way. It doesn’t sound like you have any boundaries in place for yourself. It sounds like he just does whatever he wants and you let him. Do you ever say “no” to him?
I know you feel like love exists between you guys. I know it feels like there is a strong connection. Unfortunately, that feeling is not enough. BOTH people have to be willing to make changes and work on how they treat each other and themselves, for a relationship to actually work – and it doesn’t sound like this guy is that kind of person. It sounds like this guy is being controlled by his addictions and that he really has not interest in caring about how he is affecting you. I’m so sorry you have to feel this from him. You deserve to be treated with respect, you deserve to be cared about, you deserve to feel like you matter, you deserve to have a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to be with….this guy is NONE of those things and you cannot make him be any of it. Your job, as hard and challenging as it is, is to accept him for exactly who he is instead of needing him to change. And in that acceptance, it means saying goodbye to the love you feel for him, because you care more about yourself and how you are treated. When you have respect and love for yourself and require that from others, people come into our lives that match that energy you project. Being that this guy is treating you as if you don’t matter (I don’t care what he says – his ACTIONS are say more than his words), then that is reflecting to you that you don’t think you matter either, because you are accepting his behavior.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Lisa,
How are you doing? I know it was quite the shocker what this guy did and I’m wondering how you are processing all of it. It was very upsetting, so how have you helped yourself these past few weeks, dealing with this hurt and major disappointment?
Heidi
Hi Kandy,
I am so sorry to hear about what’s happening with your situation. It’s truly awful to feel so good with someone and then have them end it. It must have been really hard to be dealing with cancer as well. How are you recovering?? I’m wondering if that had something to do with it. It takes a TON of strength for someone to stay committed to someone dealing with the effects of radiation and a cancer diagnosis.It’s incredibly difficult to offer guidance of how to get back together with this kind of situation. This guy cheats and it sounds like he doesn’t know any other way to go about dealing with how he feels. People like this are serial cheaters. He goes through several relationships and although it lasted a lot longer with you, he still found a reason to end it – without a valid reason other than he has some things to figure out.
The thing is Kandy, he is using you. He wants to stay connected with you to get to have the best parts of you – by having a weekly lunch, but then he doesn’t want ALL of you. I have no doubt he loves you and feels a connection, but it’s a very limited love. He is not willing to do anything more than have a weekly lunch – why??? To go from being together for 3 years to a weekly lunch is NOT okay. He doesn’t want to disconnect completely so instead, he agrees to get a good dose of you each week without having to put the other effort in. What is he trying to figure out??? He knows who you are, so it’s not like doing a weekly lunch will help him get to know you better. Again, he is using you. He is staying connected so he doesn’t have to feel the FULL weight of his decision to let you go. And you are letting him use you. You are willing to let him breadcrumb you all so you can stay connected and hope for something more. You are worth more than that Kandy. Do you really want to stay connected to a guy who truly doesn’t value you? He cheated and now he is getting a weekly dose of you all the while fighting for this other girl who sounds like she is messed up!!!! The reality is, HE is messed up.
If he is really going to figure out whatever it is going on in his “heart” then why is he dating someone else in the first place? He is not figuring out a damn thing. Dating this other girl and then having lunch with you once a week…he gets everything he wants without really committing to anything. Again, you are worth more than that!
You deserve to be with a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from being with you. You deserve to be with a guy who is 100% CLEAR that he wants to be with you and know you. You deserve a guy who doesn’t play games – which is all this guy is doing. You deserve a guy who is honest and authentic and who will work through things WITH you instead of cheating, breaking up and then stringing you along for the past 9 weeks. He is not treating you with respect and he is not valuing you and what you bring to his life.
If you want him to respect you, then you need to respect yourself first and that begins with you having standards as to how you are treated. So tell me, how do you want to be treated?
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
If a need for me telling him that we take our separate ways, how politely can I do that so that I don’t sound rude. What’s important to understand is that being “rude” is relative. MANY times I have been clear, honest, and open and I was called “rude.” So…the reality is, he will take what you say and put his own story onto it and you have no control over that. Instead of trying not to be “rude” your focus needs to be on just being clear and authentic.
Being that he is depressed, has misled you quite a bit, and hateful towards women, know that NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY, it’s most likely going to land on him in a hard way. It also means, the less you say the better. He does NOT have the capacity to care much about how you are feeling right now, so keep it simple and clear with the least amount of information as possible.
You can say something like: “Hey. I feel it’s time for us to go our separate ways. This design isn’t working for me anymore and I’m clear that I appreciate and love the time we shared and it’s time for an ending of this chapter. I wish you all the best!”
It’s short, simple, clear and does NOT go into all your feelings. He is not safe to open up to, as you have learned. He has lied to you and invited you into loving him, all the while he was sleeping with other women. He cannot be trusted with your vulnerability and your beautiful and sacred feelings. He broke that trust in a big way, so simply just state that you are done and if he tried to pull you into a conversation about it, stay focused and just repeat….”I’m not going to get into it. I am clear that this chapter is complete and that’s all that matters.”
How does this approach feel to you?
Now I can clearly see that I am innocent the only problem I called for my self is being in love with a depressed partner. I’m glad you are able to see this! Yes! Trying to build a loving relationship with someone who is depressed is IMPOSSIBLE. Maybe look at that within yourself. What made you decide to go down that road? Did you think you could help him? Save him somehow? Did you think he would change? What was happening inside of YOU that you chose to open your heart to someone in this state of mind? These kinds of questions can help you understand yourself so that you don’t go down this road again.
Heidi
Have you apologized for your reaction?
I know there is are a lot of amazing things about this guy. Maybe you never saw any red flags before, but there are PLENTY of them now.
He first said his experience at the wedding made him hate women more. Yikes!!! This is a HUGE red flag. Obviously he has been hurt, but it’s clear he has not forgiven the ladies who hurt him. You will NEVER get close to his heart as long as he feels this way. This “hatred” will ALWAYS be stronger than love and will sabotage any connection that gets close….just like you are experiencing now. He has one part of him that really wants to love and be loved, but the other part of him that hates women and is holding on his anger and hurt – is asking to be friends, pushing you away, confusing you, and sabotaging connection. This part will always win out, as long as he does nothing about it. This is not about you…this is about HIM. It is NOT your job to fix this for him or even try. That will just fuel the hatred he already carries.
The reality of ANY person who is showing you mixed feelings, is that they have 2 parts of themselves that do not agree. This also is a BIG RED FLAG! It means he will always stay confused and these 2 parts will constantly be switching who is in control. That’s why one part is very connective and amazing and the other part is angry, disconnected, cold, and wants to be friends. Again, this has nothing to do with you. He would be like this with ANY woman who wanted to be closer to him. These 2 parts of him will always battle and will always take turns who is in control and will always create confusion for the person on the receiving end. It just means he is not 100% all in. It means he has 1 foot out the door. The hatred for women he carries and his excuse for hiding behind religious beliefs are all just keep you away and not close. Someone this “split” – meaning he has 2 parts of himself that disagree – is NOT available for a relationship. It means he cannot offer you what you want.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you want a resolution. There is no resolution for someone who is acting like this. The resolution is him getting help. the resolution is him understanding what is happening and wanting to fix it. The resolution is him caring about how he is affecting you. None of these resolutions are things he is doing, and you are powerless to change that.
I’m so sorry Felicity. If you want to continue to connect, just know that it’s going to keep hurting. You need to accept that this is who he is and that means you have a choice to make. If you stay connected, you will just keep feeling rejected and confused. If you disconnect, you will have to face the pain of letting him go. Either path, you are facing heart ache. The first path however, is never-ending. The second path, at least there is closure and you can heal from the hurt.
It’s not a fun choice to make, but nonetheless it’s the choice you have.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Felicity,
Thank you for sharing more. Have you ever met in person?
It sounds like he still has some stuff to work out. Whatever happened at that wedding, I’m sure it triggered something from his divorce.
I do want to encourage you to also look at your own triggers. You went into desperate mode and bombarded him – which I understand – AND that is one of the fastest ways to drive a guy away that is needing to figure out some stuff in his life.
The thing is, he got triggered from whatever happened at the wedding and because he needed to have a little space, instead of supporting what he needed, you made the entire situation about you. You went into your own trigger, asked if he wanted to breakup, demanded the truth, bombarded him with texts and phone calls – did you ever ask him about his trigger? Did you ever ask him if there was anything you could do to help him? Did you ever find out what specifically triggered him? Even if he wanted space and needed to “go into his cave” (which is what most guys need to do when they get stressed) as a supportive partner, your job is to just wait, check in on him every once in a while so he knows you are there, create a safe space for him to tell you what’s going on, and most of all, have compassion for him knowing that he is struggling with something. Instead, what happened was your anger and insecurity and that just added a ton more stress on top of what he was already dealing with. Do you know why you got so upset? Have you dealt with being abandoned, betrayed, ignored, neglected or any of that in your past?
Also, long distance really makes things like this incredibly difficult to navigate. It’s so hard when you are not able to really talk things through in person. Text is the WORST way to try and settle anything.
I’m guessing he is not sure about what he wants right now. Being triggered at the wedding and then seeing how you reacted, he may just want to take things slow for right now. Are you able to just let go of what he wants right now and instead just ask him what he needs? How can you best support him right now? Have you apologized for how you reacted?
Does this make sense?
Heidi
