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Hi Mackenzie,
If you are going to go the flirty route, start very small and subtle and go for the long game. Meaning….if you pour it on thick tomorrow, it could cause more awkwardness than anything. So if you want to start flirting, do a little and start to introduce it every single time you are together and then slowly turn up the volume over a handful of times you hang out. And then maybe have the conversation in a handful of weeks. This might be the best option to see if he has any response. It’s subtle, it’s gentle, it’s sending him signals to see if he has a response, and it’ll give you some time to feel things out a little more.
But again, just small signals. The bigger the flirty, the more it can just feel confusion for him.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Mackenzie! Thank you for posting again. We sometimes get bots posting things, so I wasn’t sure if you were a real person or a bot, so you posting again is a good thing!
I totally understand the ambiguous nature of your connection and how it’s uncomfortable. It’s a bit of a tricky situation here.
Here is something to consider:
Do you really want to be with a guy who doesn’t go after what he wants in a relationship? How he is treating you, although respectful and connective and pretty great, he hasn’t taken it any further. Why? Maybe because he is afraid….maybe because he is not really interested in something more….maybe he is seeing someone else….who knows! Whatever the reason is, he seems to be comfortable with how things are going. You are only uncomfortable with this design because you are now wanting more from him. If you take the lead on this, does that feel okay for you? Do you feel clear and okay that HE is not the one initiating something more with you?
Avoidant or not, don’t you want a guy who is willing to face his fears and go after what he wants? So it’s important for you to be clear about this…as great as he is, what is it saying about him that he is not making the moves on you after this much time and after so many experiences with each other. You’ve gone on 2 trips together, you are considering a real estate investment….yet things are still platonic??? He either is terrified and really likes to take things crazy slow – which is not necessarily a bad thing if it applied to every aspect of your relationship. Think about it….he is willing to tie up his money with you but not get intimate? He is willing to spend a lot of time together and even go on trips together, but not ask you on an official date? There is something kind of off here. He may want to go slow in the intimacy department, but then he will move fast in other ways like doing an investment with you and taking trips with you? Do you see how there are some mixed messages happening here? He is taking some MAJOR risks in your “friendship” and behaving like a boyfriend and doing boyfriend kind of things with you, but NOT being intimate, romantic, or talking relationship stuff with you??
Personally, I would want clarity. I know you don’t want to put pressure on him, but maybe he needs a little pressure. It’s not a bad thing…and I especially would want clarity before entering into any kind of real estate investment together.
You can say something like, “Hey…before we really head any further, I would like to talk about “us.” I’m a bit confused with the direction we are heading and I really want to be on the same page, especially if we are going in on an investment together. I will admit that over time my feelings have grown for you and I would like to explore something romantic with you. Although we spend a lot of time together and have a great connection, I’m not quite sure how you are thinking about me. Do you see me as a friend? Do you see me as a potential romantic partner? I think I just need to know so we can be on the same page. I know this is awkward, but I feel like it’s time to put this on the table before we tie our money together…..”
How do you feel about saying it like that? It’s clear, upfront, not asking for anything from him other than how he views you (which is a fair question after all this time), and it helps him understand “why” you are asking….you want to be on the same page before investing with him.
And then, however he handles this conversation, you get to learn more about him.
Thoughts?
Hi Shani,
If you are interested, I am doing a talk next week on forgiveness. Maybe it could help you! I’m one of the speakers at an event for women helping women….I have no doubt there will be other speakers as well who would be able to inspire you as they share their wisdom. It’s a free event, so come on over! My talk is Wednesday the 25th at 3:30, but it will be available for replay until April 15th. Sending you a lot of good vibes Shani!
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1560028814380585
Heidi
it’s also worse because he knew of it. Shani….do YOU do everything just because you know it? I think your expectations here are too much. To expect that YOUR needs will outweigh HIS needs is asking a lot of someone. Think about it….how many people say “I want to loose weight” and they KNOW exactly how to do it and what it takes, yet they sneak food while driving. Or people who want to buy a house and KNOW they need to save money and cut back on spending, yet they don’t do it. Or people who KNOW they should stop drinking those 2-3 glasses of wine every night because it’s messing up their sleep, but they just can’t seem to give it up. You are associating KNOWING with ACTION and that is just not realistic. Our actions are full of all kinds of gunk and roundedness. If KNOWING is all it took to get our actions into alignment with what we wanted, we would have a 1,000% better world. There would be no addictions, there would be no need for healing, we would actually meet more happy people than unhappy people. Knowing is just the FIRST step….getting what we know into ACTION…that’s a whole different ballgame. I mean look at you….you are not able to control how you are feeling, despite what you know. Rav may have known your past, but he is a guy, getting laid, without needing to commit….what guy would pass up on that??? Even the best of men would struggle saying no to that. Besides, throw in a bunch of confusion he may have had about you, about getting involved more seriously, about dating a friend of his best friend….it gets all mucky and the average human would have NO clue how to deal with all of that. It takes a pretty advanced person, someone with a higher emotional intelligence to understand all that stuff.
So I bring you back to this question you keep avoiding….what is it you want from him, you are not giving to yourself? You wanted him to value you. He didn’t. So how can you value yourself NOW? This is how you get out of suffering Shani. You help yourself instead of pointing the finger at him for not being what you wanted.
And I’m annoyed at myself for not protecting myself more or letting myself feel so vulnerable. Shani…do you realize you are just perpetuating this depression with how you treat yourself? You’re annoyed, you’re upset, you’re angry all at yourself for not knowing better, for being vulnerable, for whatever. You are literally kicking yourself while you are down. Hind site is 20/20. The gift of this pain is that it woke you up to your blind spots. How else would you ever learn where your blind spots are unless you went through something like this. Next time, you will be more discerning. Next time, you will keep your eyes more open and not be swept away by feeling safe or seen. Next time, you will pay more attention to red flags. Unfortunately, this is how we ALL learn. The only reason I know as much as I know about dating, is because of all the mess-ups, the pain, the heartbreak….all the crap that comes with dating. So if you want out of this pain, the first place to start is to treat yourself with more kindness. Instead of “I should’ve…..I’m angry at myself…..” you say “I’m learning. It’s okay I made this choice. I’m proud of myself for taking this risk. I’m strong enough to risk. I may not have gotten completely right this time around, but I’m learning….” You need compassion and kindness and acceptance for yourself. You didn’t know Shani. You were doing the very best you could – and you were navigating something you had NEVER done before. Sheesh! Give yourself a break! You’re a newbie to this whole healthy relationship kind of thing. Rav IS better than what you have ever chosen before. Even though it didn’t work, YOU STILL CHOSE BETTER this time around. That’s progress!!! Give yourself some gold stars for that!
what do you do in those moments to help yourself? – I’m not sure in these moments, I try to calm? In terms of what I am trying, honestly any day I get out of bed, have a shower, eat, is a win. I praise myself for doing the small things at the moment, like eating, like doing a load of washing. I’m just frustrated and embarrassed I’m like that. I’ve tried podcasts – my wanders too much. Reading helps, but then I just feel guilty about the housework or work I’m not doing. You are BARELY helping yourself here. You need to be journaling, look up EFT or Tapping on YouTube and start using the patterns they teach, watch movies where you watch the main character go through heartbreak and then recover (i.e. under the tuscan sun), listen to uplifting music (unstoppable by Sia, or You’re Beautiful by Christina Aguilera) do meditations, go on hikes, look up Ted Talks about heartbreak and watch those short videos….I mean there are a MILLION things you could be doing to help yourself. But then you want to “shame” yourself for not doing housework?? Come on Shani. If this is how you treat yourself, you definitely are not ready for any kind of healthy relationship.
You are not a victim here. Get into ACTION and start helping yourself. You have a broken heart, so start helping it heal. You are far from helpless. You are a strong, independent, powerful woman and you are letting this event with Rav steal your joy. You have worked so dam hard to get where you are – you finally got away from an abusive relationship where you gave your power away to him, and now you are doing it all over again with Rav. You are giving your power away to him too. You are more than that Shani. You are better than that Shani. Take back your power. Take back your well being and start doing the work. All you have to do is type in “stress management techniques” in google or YouTube and there will be a PLETHORA of techniques for you to choose from. Start doing them and help yourself. You have to FIGHT for your life here. If you can’t even do that, then get on some meds or do double sessions with your therapist. Do whatever it takes to get out of this dark hole. You have so much to offer in this world, so get your ass up and start finding your strength again!!! It’s all inside of you waiting to be released. Get that fire lit again!
Heidi
how is it not Rav’s fault I am hurting. He knew the previous baggage, he knew my deepest fears or being used or the other woman, he knew how I felt, and he still led me on. He breadcrumbed me enough to keep me around until a “better option” came along. We spoke about me working through the trauma together. I’m not putting all the past on him, what he did hurt me too, and hurts more because he knew my triggers, my past, and he knew how safe I felt with him. My apologies. Thank you for bringing this up and asking your questions. Typing things out for such a complicated situation is so difficult.
Of course he hurt you. I meant the LEVEL of hurt you feel is because of your past. If you didn’t have all your past experiences that were so harmful and horrible, what Rav did would not have hurt as much. It would sting, but it sure as heck would not send you into depression and suffering. This level of hurt comes from unprocessed hurt from your past. So the pain from him just stirs the already existing pot of pain within you.
I’m sorry, I am trying. You’re right…you don’t have a choice about the reactions you have. You DO have a choice with what you do about your feelings. When you feel a panic attack coming on, when you have that physical reaction when Brooke’s name is mentioned, when you struggle with getting out of bed….what do you do in those moments to help yourself? How are you helping yourself each day? What good stuff are you putting into your system?? What exactly are you “trying”?
Heidi
Hi Shani! What’s happening? Let’s keep talking through this. What other questions do you have? Do you need something different from me that would be more helpful?
Heidi
And though I am so proud of myself, right now it’s hard. Shani! Wowow! You are doing what such a small percentage of people are able to do on their own. Look at the amount of strength you have! I’m seriously impressed. So what that it’s hard. There will always be tough seasons in life. DO NOT let the hard times steal the amazingness you HAVE accomplished!
I feel like there is something about me as a person that seems to bring out shit behaviour in men – for example my friends adore Rav and have vouched for what a great guy he is. So did I someone make even a good guy cheat, and even a good guy use a woman? Since when are friends and romance on the same level? Shani, really hear me on this….I’ve studied romantic love for over 30 years. Why? Because there is NOTHING like romance that will shine a light on the worst parts of every single one of us. Our fears, our insecurities, our limitations, our messiness….in my younger years, I actually used dating as a litmus test to see how much I had grown and where I was still stuck and ineffective. Romantic love hits a part of our hearts that nothing else can and therefore, its TERRIFYING to fall in love….the risk is massive – and it’s even more scary when paired with negative past experiences…which is what most people have. So don’t even think about blaming your yourself for this “mess up.” You have NO information about what really happened, so be compassionate with yourself. You have got to stop your brain from trying to figure out what happened and start 100% focusing on healing – otherwise, you will just stay in suffering. Suffering is caused from a resistance to what is happening. Suffering only happens when we are not in acceptance of the situation. Once you get into acceptance, the pain is still there, but the suffering from it is gone…and THAT feels so much better and more doable.
The how and what DO NOT matter. What matters is that it didn’t work out and the reasons are beyond your understanding. He is clear about his choice and your job is to accept that. And love yourself with ALL your messiness.
Your system is in so much pain and Rav, because he hurt you, is the one person your system believes could get you out of pain. You are using him. You want HIM to do the work for you. – ouch. Ha! I get it! I felt the same exact way when my therapist at the time kept pounding me with this concept. It’s painful for sure BUT…it’s where you will find freedom from the pain. I learned this when dealing with my father. He was an incredibly toxic, dangerous, and abusive man – so there was zero possibility of confronting him, getting any care from him, or the ability to ask him questions like “why?????” So I was faced with figuring out how to heal WITHOUT his help. And working with the question “What is it that I want from him, that I am not giving to myself?” is what brought me this freedom. It empowered me. And I gotta say Shani, because I was forced to heal in this way, it set me up for MAJOR success for the rest of my life. Because even in healthy relationships, there is abandonment, struggle, rejection, hurt and the ENTIRE spectrum of emotions….and that means that I now have the skillset and mindset to allow for all of those darker energies to exist and then know how to work through them, without NEEDING help from the other person. I KNOW how to find my wellbeing when the other person is not able to be there for me. And this allows for freedom within a relationship. Toxic relationships are full of controlling behaviors – like “You need to be this or that so I can feel okay.” And this is what you are doing with Rav….wanting to control his behavior. Wanting him to be something specific FOR YOU, so you can feel okay in about yourself and in your life. Instead, YOU create safety for yourself. YOU make yourself feel seen – and you do that by turning inward instead of looking outside of you for that. As long as you keep on the path you are on right now, you will stay in a “needy” state and that is a recipe for a breakup.
I have never been with someone who made me feel so safe and heard and I’m scared I did something wrong to lose that. I get this. It won’t be the last time. Rav is NOT the only guy who can create this energy. And maybe you did do something to lose that, but Shani….feeling seen and safe are NOT the only components required for a healthy connection. It’s PART of the equation, but not the FULL equation. You took these 2 components and blew them up so big and put Rav on a pedestal….a place NO ONE should ever be. You made him SO great that is caused you NOT to see the whole of him…his messiness, his red flags, where he is NOT a good person, where he is limited – you didn’t see a single red flag after over a year of knowing him….THAT in and of itself is a red flag. You were so blinded by feeling safe and seen, because it was a new experience for you, that you never really saw him. So…with that being said, you may have lost that feeling of safety and feeling of being seen, but you also lost a guy who doesn’t have a lot of respect for women. You also lost a guy that didn’t handle the ending very well. You also lost a guy who used you for sex.
Imagine this Shani….what if EVERY guy you dated made you feel safe and seen. Do you think Rav would have had such a hold on you? Nope. Because feeling safe and seen would have been a NORMAL experience for you – and you would have been able to see MORE about who he is before deciding that he was “your person.” So I always remind the ladies when dating….there is a baseline that needs to be met about how you are treated….that baseline is NOT a reason to give someone your heart. That baseline is a REQUIREMENT….A STANDARD….AN EXPECTATION….and once that baseline is met, THEN that is your starting place of getting to know that person…their likes and dislikes, their personality, their greatness, their red flags etc. But you DO NOT offer someone your heart just because the baseline is being met.
Also I’m not sure I buy into the whole you have to be perfectly healed to meet someone, surely there is something to be said that you both bring out the best in each other and help each other. Because when you say this: “It’s just the reality of life and living with trauma. I appreciate every single one of those moments, because it’s an opportunity to clean up my system even more. ” and that it takes years, well do I have to be alone all those years? Let me explain this a little better. You are 100% right. There is no such thing as perfectly healed. But there IS a way of living life that will either set you up for success or keep you from what you want. I will be doing healing work for the rest of my life, but what I have done is developed a skillset to manage my stress, I work with experts that help me continue to heal, I have a very strong resilience that I have built up over the years….and all of this gives me the ability to hold to my standards when it comes to love….to hold to my standards as to how I expect to be treated…..to hold myself accountable to being a healthy partner for someone else….It’s have emotional sovereignty. I am in control of my own well-being. And THAT is what I am referring to. Until you really own 100% responsibility for how you feel each and every day and you back that up with how you live your life and how you function in relationships, then you are not ready to have a healthy relationship. A relationship REQUIRES emotional sovereignty, NOT dependence. Yes, we all help each other along the way, but other people are there just as supporting characters, not the lead role for our well being. WE need to be in that spot. Does this help better explain what I”m saying?
However I do put a lot of value in how others see me, how I impact others, the value I am to them. I’ve always been this way. It means a lot to me. I’m sure that’s something to unpack sometime, but even now I know I am dropping food and gifts off to my friends who just had the baby, taking their dog for walks etc, because I know it’s of value to them and I need to feel that. Of course you put value in how other see you. You have a BEAUTIFUL heart and that will never change. It is WHO you are. This is something that will ALWAYS be true for every one of us….Our greatest strengths are ALWAYS our greatest weaknesses. So your beautiful loving heart is an incredible strength AND it also gets you in trouble by over giving, over sharing, caring sooooo much about what other people think that you live and design your life to make sure other people think you’re valuable. It NOT about what you do…it’s about WHY you do it. For example, dropping food and gifts off to your friends could absolutely be a loving thing, but you have to ask yourself….am I doing this because I want them to like me and feel that I am a good friend? Or am I doing this because it’s who I am. Now that answer to that is both. It IS who you are for sure, BUT you also have such a strong need for them to feel your value that you will naturally be driven to DO things for them so you can feel that appreciation and love from that…because THEY are sourcing your self-esteem….THEY are sourcing your value.
I remember when I was exploring this within myself. I was at a restaurant picking up a food order and I had some cash to give them a tip. I noticed myself waiting to put cash in their jar until the server SAW me do this, because I NEEDED for them to see what a generous and good person I was. I WANTED that smile and appreciation from them. THAT was me using the outside world for my validation. It was a light bulb moment for me.
This is a deep one Shani. There is soooooo much to unpack about this concept, so I’ll stop here and maybe let this one ruminate for a bit. Ask questions if this doesn’t make sense.
“The way things ended really triggered me. It brought up a lot of hurt and anger so I have a lot of work to do on myself. I’ll figure it out. I’ll still be cordial. I’m just not interested in talking and connecting, because I am in a place where I really might say things that could be harmful and that is not the kind of person I want to be” – thank you. this helps. But it also feels like it’s putting all the blame on me? Who’s blaming? Blaming doesn’t exist here….it’s just you taking responsibility for YOUR feelings. It’s not Rav’s fault that you are hurting the way you are. You are hurting so deeply and in suffering because of ALL the prior experiences you have had BEFORE Rav….you came to table with a ton of previous baggage and he just happened to poke at it. So your feelings are YOURS to work with. He does NOT deserve to have your past be dumped in his lap. That’s harmful, it’s mean, and it’s unkind. Would you like that done to you? Would you like a guy to dump ALL his anger and resentment and hurt from his past into your lap just because you didn’t see a future with him?
And so I’m sort of resting in these feelings of not being ok, and I will avoid interacting with Rav at this stage. WELL DONE Shani!!! Good job for just dropping off the gift and getting out of there. You were protecting yourself and you were protecting Rav and this new girl from your emotional storm. DO NOT feel bad about that. You did a VERY good thing by honoring your limitations! As far as navigating the freind group it really is simple. Just be honest. But the thing that will bring toxicity is HOW you talk about it. It’s one thing to be honest that you are hurting and processing your hurt feelings. It’s another thing to share how you feel in a blaming and shaming way that puts your friend in the middle.
So here is the healthy way to go about it “Soph….I know you are worried about me. I have a lot of pain that is coming up that Rav triggered. I’m realizing I’m not as healed from my past as I thought I was and that just means I have a lot more work to do. I’m struggling. I’m depressed. I’m dealing with feeling used and disregarded and I feel like a fool that I invested my heart with Rav and he wasn’t investing back. It’s tough. I thought that maybe he could be my person. I felt so safe and seen with him. He treated me soooooo well – and it was the first time I had ever felt that…and I’m having a hard time letting it go. I’ll get there though. I have made it through much worse things than this. I’m starting with a new therapist, I’m talking with this woman on a forum and I’m getting help. It’s just gonna take some time.”
Here is the toxic way to do it “Soph, this really sucks what Rav did to me. He hurt me deeply. He lead me on, he told me that had strong feelings for me and he really made me think that maybe we could become more. And then he turns around and backs out. I don’t even know why. I want to ask him and I want to talk to him about it, but it’s just so painful that he is already moving onto another girl. I thought I meant something to him, but it turns out I’m just another notch in his belt.”
Do you see the difference in tone and feeling of the 2 approaches? The first is you taking ownership of yourself. The second is you blaming and being a victim. The 2nd approach will push Soph away. It will put her in the middle and that’s not fair. The first will put Soph exactly where she wants to be….supportive and loving of you and supportive and loving of Rav too. It will free her from thinking she needs to choose sides. Eventually, as YOU heal Shani, the friend group will be so much more comfortable. Until then, you just need to keep protecting yourself and engage with Soph and stay away from Rav. Once you are more grounded and healed, you will and Rav will have a conversation. That’s the ideal approach anyways.
I feel like I’ve really messed up, and just wish perhaps at the very start I was more open to things, it’s hard not to take the entire blame onto myself. I know how hard this is. That’s why you need help. The more you allow your mind to keep looping around this thought pattern, the more you are digging your own grave. It’s a thought pattern that is keeping you in suffering. And it’s a CHOICE Shani. You COULD choose to instead say “I feel like I did everything wrong and I wish I could change things AND I am enough, I am still lovable and I accept and love myself EVEN IN MY MESSINESS.” Finish your mind loop on THAT thought and start to help yourself. You are not a victim here.
Because when everyone says you need to focus on you, and value you, it reads in my mind I am not good enough as is It’s not about not being good enough, it’s about your CHOICE of where you get your value from. Here’s the thing Shani….you want to feel better – the way you are going about it is not working. You are sinking. So if you want to feel better, you need to make different choices…and those choices include focusing on YOU and not Rav and Brooke. Focusing on how you are going to get this pain moving out of your system instead of looking into the past “wishing” you had done things differently. Where you are CHOOSING to put your attention on is what is sinking you. Your mind interprets these statements as “you are not good enough as is, because THAT IS WHAT YOU BELIEVE!” I know you have a lot of high self esteem Shani. You are incredibly strong and powerful in sooooo many ways, but in the love department, you have some strengthening to do. I see this ALL THE TIME. I can’t tell you how many times I have worked with incredibly powerful women who run companies, hospitals, etc. They are powerhouses in their lives, but when it came to love….oh my goodness, you wouldn’t recognize them. ALL their low self-esteem would emerge and they would give all their power away to the guy and they would lose themselves. That’s why I have studied love for so long. It’s fascinating, really. Women and love is….I’m not sure what the word is, but it’s a struggle for us ladies….and I could talk for hundreds of hours about why this is. There are A LOT of reasons. So one of my missions in life is to help the ladies reconnect back to their power in the face of romance and love. It’s a tough one, Shani. You definitely are the norm here. You are NOT alone.
. All I know is I’m not ok and my body is tired of trying to be. And my mind keep replaying things, and then flashing to Rav and Brooke, happy on Sunday. And I hate that I am so jealous and part of me hoped that he felt a bit shit when he saw me and got nothing from me. Of course you are jealous. Goodness, I have exactly that so many times in the same exact situation….watching a guy you want choose someone else. OUCH OUCH OUCH! So again….you want to get out of this pain, “hating” yourself for feeling this way will NOT work. Having compassion and loving yourself WILL. That’s what it means to focus on YOURSELF. Instead of allowing that loop, pull out a pen and paper and write a letter to that part of yourself that is hurting and fill it with words of encouragement and love and truth about her. Fill it with words you want to hear. You say “I know how hard it is to see Rav with Brooke and be happy. I just makes you feel so rejected and I can feel the pain you are carrying. I want you to know that I LOVE YOU. I CHOOSE YOU. I know how amazing you are. You are so important to me and I think you are the greatest person I have ever met. You have such a beautiful, loving and caring heart and I am so glad you are part of me. I am proud to know you and be you and I’m so sorry that Rav isn’t choosing you. I know that hurts so much. But I want you to know that I right here by your side and we are going to get through this together. We will get on the other side of this pain and we will be stronger for it. We have gone through a lot together already and we will make it through this too. We have some work to do, but we can do this. I love you so much.”
THIS is what it means to turn inward and love yourself and value yourself.
looking forward to hearing from you! Good job for sticking with me here Shani. I know I can be tough. I know I am saying things you don’t want to hear and yet – you keep showing up. I have so much respect for you!
Heidi
Hi Shani,
Just checking in. Let’s keep talking! What’s been happening? I know you were having to face seeing him again. Have you crossed paths yet?
Heidi
Good job Shani! You are getting some help! And good job for making changes with a therapist when it didn’t feel right. I know so many people who stick with their therapist even when they aren’t getting any movement from it. I don’t know your financial situation, but I’d be happy to share the contact info. of my coach. She is the most powerful, intuitive, wise person I know. She is not for everybody though. She will hold you accountable and she will take you to places inside yourself you absolutely won’t want to go…scary places…but it’s necessary to if you are ever going to get off those meds and be emotionally high functioning. You have to be willing to dig deep if you want true, sustainable movement, not just a bandaid.
And I don’t understand why it feels so important that he knows how much it hurts. Can you offer insight into WHY I’m struggling with that and why it might feel so important to me that I share? When obviously all your advice is don’t. It feels so important because he is the “target” for all your pain. It’s actually VERY normal. Everyone does this. There is a big pot of pain and when that pain gets activated, it your psyche will dump it all onto one person. For you, it’s Rav. You are hurting and that means you have needs that are not being met. And because Rav is the target, your mind is hooked onto him to make you feel better and make the pain go away. It’s an illusion. The reality is, Rav can never make up for all the pain you are carrying. You have a big hole inside of you and Rav filled that hole for period of time in a really powerful way…and now he is no longer occupying that space…so that hole is back and IT IS PAINFUL…and because he was the one who did such a good job filling that hole, you desperately want him back…you want him to SEE the pain he caused by leaving, because now you have to feel that hole again.
I use the analogy of Swiss cheese. We all have solid parts of us and holes in us. The holes are where the pain lives….our low self-esteem etc. We always do everything we can to fill those holes or run away from those holes, but most people do it in unsustainable and unhealthy ways. How? Addictions…to substances, to people, to work. So drugs and alcohol and sex…those are temporary fixes to fill those holes…workaholics fill that hole by being overprotective as well as avoid the holes by staying so busy they never have to feel what lives in those holes. You, like most people (Rav is probably doing the same exact thing), bond to someone who fills the holes – so it’s a “you complete me” type of relationship. For me, I used to use guys to get my self-esteem fix. If I could get a guy interested in me, he would tell me how great I was, how I was like no one I had ever met before etc. and THEN I would feel my value. They were filling my holes. The holes are PAINFUL!!!!! So we all do everything we can to avoid that pain, and using sources EXTERNAL to us, are the quickest way….but NEVER sustainable. Why? Because the outside world is NEVER consistent. It always changes. It is not a reliable source. But your inside….THAT is reliable. YOU have the ability to be a consistent, solid, strong advocate for yourself. YOU always have the ability to love yourself….not others. Love changes, love is a rollercoaster ride….so even in marriage – you WILL have moments where you don’t feel supported, seen, connected and your holes WILL be exposed. Then what? Most people fall apart because they have no idea how to be their own source – they rely on everyone else to do for them, what they should be doing themselves. If you want a strong, healthy relationship, you have to learn how to source yourself. You have to learn how to support yourself. You have to learn how to love yourself in ALL situations and THEN you will be ready for a healthy relationship. Why? Because you will not NEED that other person to do anything for you. A healthy relationship looks like this: it’s 3 parts. 1.You, 2.him and 3.the connection. You and him make up what goes into the connection. So if you show up with a ton of holes to a relationship, THAT is what the connection will be built on. And because we all will align with people in a similar place, a guy will align with you who also has a ton of holes. So now the 3rd part – the relationship itself – the connection – is FULL of a ton of wounding, low self-esteem, a “you complete me” mentality. Eventually, the connection that bonds the 2 of you will become toxic because those holes are NOT meant for someone else to fill. Those holes are unprocessed emotions from past events. So it’s not for the current person to fix or deal with. That’s not fair is it?
Your system is in so much pain and Rav, because he hurt you, is the one person your system believes could get you out of pain. You are using him. You want HIM to do the work for you.
Here is a pretty advanced concept, but I’ll plant the seed. What is it that you want HIM to do for you, that you won’t do for yourself?
You want him to choose you. Choose yourself. You want him to fight for you. Fight for yourself. You want him to value you. Value yourself. THIS is the ultimate skill. THIS is what true self love is. THIS is what is REQUIRED for a healthy relationship. 2 people who take FULL ownership of their own pain, their own holes, and DO NOT put it on their partner to fix. There is skillset to this though. You have to go into those holes and get to know every little aspect of your pain. What are your triggers? What do you need? How do you meet those needs for yourself? There’s a lot to understand. And because you don’t understand or have this skillset, you are doing what anyone would do….you are trying to get your needs met through Rav.
I’ve said a lot here, so hopefully it’s not too overwhelming. This is soooooo hard to explain through typing. Keep asking your questions Shani! You are doing a great job!
Because right now, I’m full of jealously if I’m perfectly honest, jealous that he is with someone else, happy and life is going on for him. YES! Of course you are jealous! I would be too if I were you. You want to be chosen and instead, he is choosing this other girl. Who knows if he is happy. You are only looking from the outside. You have no idea the inner workings of him and her, so put your attention on what you DO know. Focus on yourself. Anytime your thoughts go there, STOP them and tell yourself, “It’s over. Focus on me.”
And I guess this is a good place for me to work out what not to say, maybe not act like I’m fine, but learn the way to say things which will allow him to hear it with less judgement to maybe make being in each others presence easier. I’m sure he is very aware of the anxiety and hurt you feel. I would NOT get into a conversation with him, but you can offer a simple statement and then close the door. “The way things ended really triggered me. It brought up a lot of hurt and anger so I have a lot of work to do on myself. I’ll figure it out. I’ll still be cordial. I’m just not interested in talking and connecting, because I am in a place where I really might say things that could be harmful and that is not the kind of person I want to be.”
yeah the marketing really got me here. Because I thought it was all about even reconnecting with the emotionally unavailable guy, whether he is seeing someone or not. I think what’s hard is I don’t know if he is emotionally unavailable, since he is seeing another girl…also he goes to therapy, something many men do not do. Or I don’t know if actually the issue is just me and I’m not enough for him. Or too much. And I know that it’s not the way to think, but it’s really hard to get out of that rut. Just because he goes to therapy, DOES NOT mean he is getting anywhere. Honestly, I would say close to 90% of the people I have come across in therapy, are getting nowhere. But they don’t really it. I love that they go, don’t get me wrong, but I have come across very few therapist and very few people who really jumped into those holes and deep dive. Why? Because it’s painful and incredibly hard, but I’ll tell ya…the rewards you get from going there are priceless. I have the kind of life most people dream of…not on the outside, but on the inside. I am incredibly strong. I am solid. I know how to take care of myself when I’m rejected. I have a trust within myself that knows I can handle anything that shows up with grace. But I had to work my ass off to get where I am. I had to wrestle with my pain in ways that exhausted me. And I would do it all over again because of how I get to feel as a person.
Telling yourself to let go when your system is holding on for dear life because he is the safest guy you have met, that’s so hard > THIS. this is exactly how it feels. And I’m positive my past, and ADHD makes it even worse. Your past doesn’t make it worse, it’s the source Shani. One thing to ALWAYS pay attention to when dating. Whenever you find yourself saying “He’s the first guy who……” RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG!!!!! Sooooooo many women get hooked into a guy who made them feel safe, or seen, or loved, or cared about and so the flood gates open to their heart because of that – WITHOUT paying attention to all the other things that come with that guy. I got engaged to the first guy who I actually enjoyed having sex with. I had never felt that way before. I felt open and connected with and I was starving for that. That one piece became soooooo big that I didn’t pay attention to the other things that would have shown me he wasn’t a good match for me. He was a really great guy, but there is no way we would have ever made it.
It’s just hard and I’m struggling I guess with how much of myself to show to him when we do finally see each other. I’m trying to do the work on myself but it’s hard when I thought I had done it, and feels like I’ve gone backwards now. Rav knew I had worked through so much – he praised me on it, now I’ve fallen apart I feel like I’ve failed. You haven’t gone backwards Shani. All that happened is that more pain got exposed. We are like an onion. You may have cleared a couple of layers, but Rav is activating deeper layers in you that are being highlighted now. Healing is a marathon. It takes a lot of work, a lot of patience, and it takes years. I have done thousands of hours of deep dive therapy for CPTSD. Still to this very day, I need help sometimes because I am in a trigger that is so big, I can’t move through it myself. It’s just the reality of life and living with trauma. I appreciate every single one of those moments, because it’s an opportunity to clean up my system even more. It feels soooooo good when I get the yuk out of my system each time.
I feel this would be so much easier if I never had to see him again.
But I know he wants this to all be ok, for the sake of himself and our friends. What if he insists on talking further about it? Listen Shani, you are a grown woman. Own your power. Just because he wants to talk, doesn’t mean you have to. Honestly, he doesn’t deserve it. He broke your trust, he used you, he mislead you…and you want to open up and be vulnerable with him again? All I can say is it’s a big risk. You may find yourself feeling 100x more hurt after, because he still won’t give you what you want….which is to be chosen. But hey, you are going to do what you want to do and you will find out. Maybe something good can come of it. Lord knows I’ve stepped into having conversations that I knew were not the best idea and I learned. And sometimes, it did turn out well….not often, but in the end….it’s your life and you get to choose what you want to do.Heidi
Gosh Shani, you are really in it. I wish I had a magic wand that could make all your pain go away. I get why you don’t feel like you are okay. Thank you for sharing more of your struggles. Do you have an expert you could work with? Is that something you would consider? You are in a lot of pain and you are suffering….I want to encourage you to get some help to get this stuff out of your system…it’s the fastest way to free yourself.
I saw this weekend Rav and Brooke visit – Brooke is a girl he met at the baby shower, in December. I broke inside honestly. I fought so hard to not let my friends see me break, but I had to leave because I just felt sick and stabbed in the guts. Oh man! I feel that pain! That’s awful. Of course you needed to leave. I know that stabbing feeling sooooo well. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
It was different thinking maybe he wasn’t emotionally ready for a relationship, but for him to move so quickly to someone else, that hurts more. That just tells you how NOT invested he really was. He sounds like a really great guy and knows how to treat a woman and pull her in, but he may be that kind of guy that gets his self esteem from getting a woman to fall in love with him and never really invests himself. I’ve seen that a lot actually – and most are not even aware of what they are doing. If he had a really bad experience with a woman for 10 years, most likely there is a part of him that doesn’t want to go deep again….he will fear intimacy. So even though you see him moving onto the next girl, it doesn’t mean he will give her his heart. All she has is his attention and most likely, things will end with them as well. And let’s say they do end up together and fall in love…I guarantee you it will be a challenging relationship.
And I understand the way we both saw the relationship was different, but he also said there was a deep connection, even at the end. I’m really struggling to accept it, I actually don’t know how to. I know it’s incredibly hard to accept. Someone’s words are only that…words. Words are NOT real without action. That is something you ALWAYS have to look for when dating. That’s called integrity. If I come across a guy whose words and actions don’t match, there is no way you could pay me enough money to enter into a relationship with him. Words and actions need to line up to know someone is CLEAR, INTEGROUS, and someone you can count on.
I won’t lie, I thought this platform was going to help me get him to choose me, get him back and all of that. I absolutely understand this Shani. That is how they market this program and it’s true for some cases. Each situation is so different though. My job is to help you align with the truth. My job is offer an objective perspective. And from what you shared, I immediately knew you were dealing with an emotionally unavailable guy – and those type of guys are near impossible to turn around. And honestly, I would never even want to try. I believe in accepting someone for exactly who they are and the place they are in. If a guy is not emotionally available, he gets to be that and I believe in honoring that, no matter how it hurts.
But that’s the thing, deep down I just really felt it was right, and he didn’t really have red flags until now, but I also am terrified that because I’ve been anxious throughout this that it drove him away. If he didn’t have red flags until now, then you weren’t looking. You were either ignoring the red flags or just not seeing them. He has had them all along and I guarantee you there were a gazillion signs along the way that would have told you the end of the story months ago. You just didn’t know what to look for, that’s all. Most people date by letting their feelings guide them and that’s dangerous, as you are experiencing. As far as your anxiety, I’m going to say something that might be really hard for you to hear. Your anxiety is showing you that you have some inner work to do. If I were your coach or therapist, I would recommend you NOT date right now and get your inner world squared away. Most likely the anxiety was a lot for him and it would be for anyone. Is that the reason it didn’t work? It’s probably part of the equation, but so is he. He has his fears, his deep wounded patterns, his insecurities that are part of the equation.
I didn’t give secure energy, and maybe I was too much. I can’t explain how much he calmed me when he just held me, how seen I felt with him, how emotionally safe. This is why I would recommend to not date. You need to be able to feel all of these things on your own, without the help of a guy. You need to feel calm on your own, you need to feel safe on your own. Otherwise, what will happen is exactly what you are going through….someone else becomes your source of safety and calm and it becomes an addiction. When they aren’t there to source you anymore – whether they break up or there is a fight or something – you then go through withdrawal – no different than a substance abuse withdrawal. The absence of that person becomes painful. I can’t tell you how many times I was so into different guys, but it was my roundedness that was driving me, not my clear, wise, clear, high functioning self.
Oh you’d be surprised how much my friends pushed the agenda of giving him a shot, it was constant, even at my birthday in october telling my other friends that they keep offering me a great guy but I’m too shallow to give him a shot. I don’t care how much they pushed. You have a voice. What was stopping you from setting a boundary. They only pushed you so much because you allowed them to. All you needed to do was have a quiet conversation with them and ask them to stop. If they ignored you and continued pushing you, then they are the kind of friends who don’t respect your boundaries and you would have a choice to make as to whether you wanted to continue the friendship.
maybe it would have worked out better because my anxiety wouldn’t have gone through the roof. Your anxiety would have gone through the roof regardless. The anxiety living in your system is there to be activated at anytime by anything. Eventually, RAV would have triggered it in you even more. This is why I’m encouraging you to get some help so you can clear some of that anxiety out of your system.
This has brought up unhealed things I know that, it’s just really to pretend I’m ok to him and my friends when I’m not. Actually, my parents are incredible, I don’t think they are the source of any trauma! Maybe friendships in school though… Well something from your past really did a number on you. Do you have any understanding about where this anxiety is coming from? Have you ever explored what caused you to choose an abusive partner?
I don’t have the energy to find another guy anymore, And for some unknown reason I still really want this one. I can’t seem to accept it no matter how much I tell myself and my body to. Is this crazy? You are not crazy Shani. You are quite normal actually. You are not supposed to have the energy to find another guy…you are not ready for that. You need some space and time to heal. Telling yourself to let go when your system is holding on for dear life because he is the safest guy you have met, that’s so hard. That’s why getting help would make all the difference in the world. With this level of pain you are dealing with, I never recommend for people to go it alone.
Is there a good way to phrase, ‘I wish you had told me earlier, rather than lead me on for 4 months’ – because I don’t want to say it that way, but seriously it was those 4 months that gave me false hope. Because before that, I was ready to let go and move on. Shani, this just shows how much you are NOT ready to talk with him. You are looking for answers from him, this is a blaming statement, and you are desperate to connect and change his mind. This “desperation” energy and the “craving” you have to talk with him will only cause more chaos. Obviously, I cannot stop you from talking to him and you will have to learn through experience. He won’t have an answer for you that will make sense. You keep trying to figure out what happened, but the reality is, whatever he tells you will be a grain of sand of all the dynamics happening. You are looking for ways to relieve your pain and you keep waiting for him to fix it for you through a conversation. The pain you are carrying is NOT all from him. It’s just the tip of the iceberg.
And yes I know I’m being difficult in not accepting. Probably why I chose a platform that was about getting him back, even if he is with another, etc! I’m just feeling not ready to, and I’m not sure how to change that feeling. Because one minute I go from loving who I am and knowing any guy would be lucky to have me, to why was I not good enough for him. Urghhhhhhh I hate it’s affected me so much. Hating that it’s affected you so much is completely rejecting yourself. What you need is to love yourself through this. Have compassion for what you are going through. Be gentle with yourself…you are carrying a lot of pain and fear and that’s tough! Again, can you find anyone to work with? Someone who can help you work through all that stuff you are carrying? Because his apology or you getting more understanding is not going to change what lives within you.
But I will keep listening and trying, even when it hurts to hear it and do it Heidi. I know you are doing the very best that you can Shani. You are carrying an incredible amount of baggage and that is sooooooo tough. And you are dealing with a broken heart right now and all you want is to get out of pain. I totally get it. Anyone in your position would do the very same thing. I’m asking you to go above and beyond. Do the above average thing and find someone to help you through this. Read a book to help you get through this. Join a program, find a group coaching program that can help you start to work through this stuff. Do the inner work instead of looking to him to relieve your pain.
Thoughts?
Heidi
but I’m not doing fine? Sure you are! You are hurting but that doesn’t mean you aren’t doing okay. You are still able to live your life, you are still able to go about your day, right? You are here talking about things with me and learning and growing from this situation…you are doing a really job helping yourself get through this! You are doing more than 99% of the people would do in your situation, so I’d say you are doing a really good job Shani. If you want to expand on the “fine” statement, then say “My heart still hurts, but I’m figuring it out. I have healed from much worse than this. I got this.” That…to me….is someone doing really great. Yes, there is pain, but there is also strength. So if “fine” feels like lying to you, then say it a different way.
I’m just so confused with what to say because I don’t want to attack him or police him. I don’t want to give the wrong energy. Okay great! So if you are willing to work through this, I can give you some ideas.
First..you have to clear that energy “You hurt me and you need to be held accountable for that.” That energy is judgment, criticism, and blaming and shaming. This is where forgiveness comes in. You haven’t forgiven him for how he handled your heart at the end. You haven’t forgiven him for his humanness and limitations. You haven’t forgiven him for not caring about he affected you with his very mixed messages. AND…you have to forgive yourself too….forgive yourself for not being able to get your needs met…forgive yourself for handing your heart over to a guy who didn’t take care of it….forgive yourself for getting yourself into this situation in the first place.
Until you do this and really let go of the pain around how this whole thing ended, you are not going to be clear when talking to him and you will give off a very needy, controlling vibe.
Yes, I want him to choose me and miss me, and I have no idea what to say to him in person, or whether to reply to his last text. Shani, he may be a good guy, but do you REALLY want him to choose you? Considering how he handled the ending, do you really want to invite him back in? he didn’t handle your heart very well the first time around, so you want to just freely give it to him again???
Here is the thing Shani….when choosing who to give your heart to, you don’t do make that choice according to how great a guy is. You make that choice according to his worst qualities. Because the truth is, relationships break and end because of the WORST sides of people, not the best sides of people. I have met PLENTY of really good guys, but once they are in a trigger, they ghost, they stonewall, they criticize, they gaslight….ANY of those things are non-negotiable for me…I don’t care how great the guy is….I KNOW that when things get tough in the relationship – and it’s guaranteed they will – a guy with those types of coping mechanisms would be a HORRIBLE teammate. I would be left alone when things got tough and I won’t stand for that. I EXPECT to be treated with respect, with connection, and I REQUIRE someone who has staying power with me, no matter how great the fear is, no matter how sticky the situation gets. So….when dating, I REALLY pay attention to the worst side of a guy first and foremost. I’m looking for the red flags, I’m looking for coping mechanisms, I’m looking at how they handle small stress to big stress in their life. And until I start to see the guy has what I require in that department, he doesn’t get full access to my heart. That is something he has to earn. And this is not just my opinion….science has backed this up.
The reason why most relationships actually end is because people let their “attraction” decide the partner for them. That attraction is the best part ever! However, it does NOT determine the success of a relationship.
Think about this way….imagine you are the CEO of a company you own…and your company is your heart. You need to hire a high level person to help you run things and grow things. So you start the interview process. You ask questions, you watch them in action, you learn about them…you REALLY like their personality and you get along super well together, but as the CEO…you have a HUGE responsibility to truly find the best fit. So you look waaaaaaay past how much you like the person, you HAVE TO FIND OUT if the person actually has the skills, the knowledge, the passion, the commitment, the wear-with-all to do the job of taking care of your heart. And that takes TIME. That is what dating is like. DO NOT hand your heart over to someone who isn’t equipped to handle it. You are inviting chaos into your life if you do that. Your heart is sacred Shani. Your heart has been so abused and it’s time you start protecting it in a different way. Rav mishandled your heart and you want to give it to him again??? Well…you get to try and make that happen, but you will most likely end up right back where you are now.
He is NOT a good fit for you. He is one of 2 things:
1. He either doesn’t feel the same way you do, so he doesn’t want the job
2. He does really like you and it scares him to step into a deeper connection with someone. And a person who lets fear control them on that level, is emotionally unavailable. Don’t you want a guy who has the courage to face his fears????I get that you want him to choose you, because that would feel soooooo good, but that is not going to happen. So now, you are faced with choosing yourself. Loving yourself. Taking care of your broken heart. Feeling your greatness, connecting to that part of you that is so desperately wanting love and attention. That’s what I mean by YOU being responsible for your well-being, not Rav and not your friends….YOU. You need to give yourself what you are not getting from them. This is how you build your “okay-ness” in the middle of rejection. This is how you become internally strong. This is how you claim your power and your worth when the those around you aren’t giving you what you need. This will not be the last time you feel let down, disappointed, or rejected by friends. Even in the healthiest of relationships, there is rejection. So NOW is the time for you to develop the skill of taking care of yourself and not putting that job onto anyone else.
I do this for myself and I also coach people into this space….there is a guideline I follow….I do not confront someone until I don’t need to anymore. Which means, I have cleared my hurt feelings, I have cleared my upset, I have worked with the parts of myself that felt abandoned or rejected or whatever….and I am at peace. I don’t need anything from the other person in order to feel better. Then, and only then, do I say something to them IF it’s a relationship I want to grow and keep building. If not, I don’t say anything at all. It’s not my job to be the accountability police for anyone. My job is to take care of my own well-being and I trust 100% that life will hold others accountable in ways far greater than I could with my words. Obviously confronting someone is more nuanced than what I just shared, but first and foremost, I am always clearing my own hurt as fast as I can and as much as I can BEFORE saying something to someone else. Because the last thing I want to do is put my hurt and upset onto someone else.
Thoughts about all of this?
The friends thing is a good point, I think because they kept pushing me to give him a shot and said I was being shallow (even though they didn’t know I was seeing him), it hurts more. I don’t want they to “do anything to him, I guess I don’t really understand what I want or why I feel this way. They didn’t push anything onto you Shani. They offered their opinions and being the good guy he is, why wouldn’t they? In the end, YOU CHOSE by yourself. You trusted their opinions and they trusted Rav would be a good experience for you. And they were right! It WAS a good experience….until it wasn’t. And that is life. That is dating. That is love. It’s good until it isn’t. And when it turns bad, it doesn’t mean all the good gets thrown out the window. What you are wanting from your friends is to feel fought for…the same thing you want from Rav…the same thing you have wanted from every single guy you dated….and probably the same thing you wanted from your parents growing up and didn’t get. So all the gaslighting and abuse you have made it through is still running in your system and a HUGE part of why this is hurting so much. There is a GIANT cauldron full of unprocessed, hurt feelings that happened waaaaaaay before you met Rav and THAT is why I’m encouraging you NOT to talk to Rav right now. You want to put ALL those hurt feelings on him and that is not okay. You will cause harm to the connection.
I also just don’t understand how we can have such a deep connection and it not be enough for him to give it a shot, and he can just give up on it? You had a great connection Shani, but you were having a completely different experience than Rav. You don’t know how he was actually feeling. He was sending mixed message for quite a while, you just weren’t seeing it. So again, YOUR OPINION and YOUR EXPERIENCE is only valid for you…not Rav. And the thing about heading down the path of love…it is sooooo terrifying for most people and they don’t even know. Maybe he has some super deep abandonment issues running in his veins, so the moment he starts to get close to someone, his nervous system says “ruuuuuun! DANGER!!!!” For example, when I was in high school and through college, the nicer and more respectful a guy treated me, the more I ran the other direction. I would have strong attraction towards guy who were the “bad boy” type. They would keep my attention for months! But a nice guy??? I would like them for 2 weeks. It literally was a pattern I noticed early on….right around the 2 week mark, I would all of a sudden go from really liking them, to “Oh my gosh, I can’t stand this anymore. I have to get out.” My nervous system was carrying so much trauma energy and so being treated nice was out of my comfort zone and caused me to shut down. So why Rav is not giving you a shot??? I can’t answer that, but I WILL tell you that it’s not as simple as you think. I have seen navy seals, who train to face death day in and day out, run from love like a coward. It takes great strength to face fears Shani. It takes a TON of understanding yourself, facing the hurts from the past, going into the caves where pain lives and is sourcing fear. You of all people understand this, yes?
So it’s important to let go of the “why” and just accept what is. You may never get a real answer about that. Like I said before, it’s usually 1 of 2 things….you are the right match for him and he knows it (I’ve had plenty of great connections with guy, but it wasn’t a match that I knew would last long term) or he is afraid to commit and fall in love and take that journey – and most likely isn’t even aware of it. Either way, YOUR job is to be in acceptance of what is. THAT is how you will heal faster from this.
How do I do this? And no I dont, that’s why I’m reaching out, I want to do this the right way, or at least a way that will help move this forward positively. Like I said earlier, the place to start is letting go. Close the door on a relationship with him. There are other guys out there that also can treat you really well and that you will also have a good connection with. He is not the only one! And start to work yourself towards forgiveness. Those are the 2 things you need to focus on.
As far as how to say it to him? It’s simple really. It goes like this – and this is an IN PERSON conversation, NOT A TEXT. Please please please DO NOT do this through text. You will set yourself up for failure that way.
“Hey. Listen, I’m sorry I wasn’t responding to your texts. I actually really appreciate you reaching out and wanting to make sure everything was kosher before we saw each other. Honestly, I’m still hurting. I felt things for you that were new for me and I took a chance with you. And as you know, that was hard for me considering what I come from. I understand and accept that you are clear about not wanting to move forward with me. I get that and it’s actually not what really hurt. We spent a lot of time together and created a lot of memories, even as friends before we hooked up. I just ended up feeling really discarded the way you ended things. Not that you ended it…but THE WAY you ended it. I think I really just wanted to feel like I still mattered to you, even as a friend – and that’s just not the vibe I got and I’m still kind of recovering from that feeling.”
So do you see how saying it this way is not forcing your opinion on him or telling him he is wrong it is simply telling him that his choice hurt. It’s a formula I always use and works every time….I don’t always get the result I want, but at the very least, it’s a peaceful conversation and the other person DOES hear me….it doesn’t mean they will agree and it doesn’t mean they apologize, but I know I at least said my peace in a respectful way.
Here is the formula so to speak. You always want to claim your own feelings with statements like “When you did____________, it made me feel___________” there are a lot of ways to say that, like I did above, but what you want to avoid is “You made me feel ____________” That’s a pointing the finger kind of statement that people will NOT respond well to.
But again, BEFORE you talk with him, you have some work to do on yourself. You really need to get into acceptance of his choice and full on deal with all the hurt it’s bringing up in you.
I really appreciate your advice on this, I didn’t think I loved him, but maybe I did. Which is crazy because we weren’t even in a relationship Love takes many shapes and sizes – you bonded….whether you want to call it love or not, doesn’t matter. All you need to do is give your hurt self a HUGE hug and comfort her as the bond dissolves.
I am here for you Shani! You are so courageous to be here and talk with me about this and I’m not just saying that. I’ve tried to teach this to so many women over the years and probably 90% drop off because they are being supported in what they believe they want. This is tough what you are dealing with and I am soooooo so proud of you for having the sticking power here. I’m honored to get to be part of your journey!
Heidi
