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Hi Sam,
Yes this was all very hard to read and it has upset me but I’m taking everything on board and I appreciate everything thank you. Of course this was upsetting to hear. What you are going through is so incredibly difficult. Your dreams that you have built about your life are falling apart and you want to fix it…and I’m telling you it’s not fixable until he gets some help. Your heart is breaking and I am telling you that it cannot be repaired in the way you are thinking it can repaired. I am so so sorry Sam. Your heartbreak is valid and scary and is leaving you in so much unknown territory and that is so incredibly uncomfortable. You are strong Sam. The fact that you can even hear and be open to what I am saying says a TON about the self esteem, strength, and interest you have in truth. There is A LOT within you that can help carry you through this very unknown territory and you will absolutely come out the other side much stronger, wiser, empowered, and emotionally intelligent.
I can see it in our bank account and I have stopped myself from looking because it upsets me greatly.I feel awful even sharing this. No need to feel awful for sharing this. Of course you are upset about this! I have no judgment towards either of you. I just have pure compassion for the pain and misery he is carrying and I have compassion for the resentment and anger you feel for his choice to stay in this addiction. Anybody in your position would be upset and struggle. Anyone who is in a relationship with an addict feels EXACTLY the way you do…so kick that shame to curb for sharing this and give yourself some space and validation for feeling how you do.
I’ve been carrying around and thinking that he didn’t want me or find me attractive anymore. Our communication is so terrible isn’t it? Yes, your communication is struggling, but that is normal with an addict. They have an internal world that is theirs and theirs alone – so communication is not on the list of things to care about. Remember, he is in survival mode and has been there for decades and will only get worse over time. Communicating with you means he would have to be open and honest about his darker feelings too and that is just not something any addict is ever willing to do until they are ready to get some help. And let’s face it…any guy, even an open and honest guy would have trouble talking about having no libido. It’s such a private and personal thing that is wrapped around the core of a man’s identity. That’s a tough one! I’m glad you finally learned about this!!
Which hurt me so much because I have been working so hard to build my business to where it is today and hopefully one day retire him and make him proud of me. I’m curious…what is your business? Well done for working so hard. It sounds like you have turned your business into something successful! That is NOT an easy feat these days.
I want to highlight your statement that you wanted to make him proud of you. This has the flavor of co-dependence. I don’t know if this is a pattern of yours, but it’s a common trait for people who choose addicts or emotionally unavailable men. Co dependence means “Meeting the needs of others at the expense of your own.” Now this in and of itself is not a bad thing as there are times where our needs to go on the back burner….the problem begins when this becomes a pattern and the dominant way of functioning in your relationship. So being married to an addict means their needs are the most important and will always take precedence over anyone else’s. Their survival, their feelings, their desires all revolve around the substance – so what YOU need is not as important as what they need. In order for you to stay in the relationship, you HAVE to reject your needs all the time. You are meeting HIS needs at the expense of your own…and as long as you function that way, the relationship can sustain….but it’s an unhealthy and toxic relationship. Eventually it breaks, like you are now experiencing. It doesn’t make you or him bad or wrong, it just means that the pattern you both operated under, can’t work anymore. And that’s to be expected considering the circumstances.
I am seriously LOVING everything you are doing for yourself. Even though this separation is incredibly painful, you are meeting yourself for the first time in ages. You are getting to focus on yourself, get your needs met, and NOT having to deal with a very depressed and angry and rejecting guy walking through your door every day. You get to have some peace which is crucial to having clarity for your next steps. One step at a time right now Sam. Good job taking care of yourself!!!
When he left he said that he doesn’t have a life and he wants to concentrate on him, earn a load of money buy investment properties and buy a boat and live on the river. This was the first time I had ever HEARD these things. And it’s so stupid because I want all of those things too!! He doesn’t have any mates and just works. I have tried so hard to do different things with him and he just makes himself unavailable. Okay…I’m going to say something very hard for you to hear, but it’s important that you operate from a place of truth and shatter any fantasies you have built around him.
The reason why you have never heard any of this is because you were never part of the picture. This “dream life” he has created in his mind never included you. The thing about an addict who doesn’t want help or to change, is they WANT to be alone with their substance. They don’t want anyone to see their habits, nag them about their choices, or mirror back to them the damage they are doing. Addicts LOVE LOVE LOVE to be in isolation. It’s just them and their substance and that’s all that matters. That’s why he just wants to make a lot of money, have no friends, be alone and live on a boat. He gets to just drink and smoke to his heart’s content and no one can tell him otherwise. Listen…the level of pain he is carrying is massive and drinking and smoking is his escape and his way of “numbing” and staying in denial. It’s his way of surviving. We all have survival mechanisms, but unfortunately his is causing a lot of damage.
I have to try and accept this and keep moving forward even though deep down I want him back. That is the hardest thing to accept and hurts me to my core. Let’s really break this down. Do you REALLY want him back? Do you REALLY want to go back to being rejected every single day when he walks through the door? Do you REALLY want to be in a marriage where you are left alone to figure things out – even something as small as fixing your table? Do you REALLY want to be with a guy who chooses alcohol over you and will never change that? Do you REALLY want to be with a man who makes you feel anonymous?
I think what you want to hold onto is the best version of him. You feel in love with the good parts too and it’s THAT side of him you want back. Unfortunately, his darker side is a deal breaker. So saying goodbye to him means saying goodbye to the best parts of him too. You tried and tried and tried to be “different” for him and it didn’t work. You were trying because you were wanting to build a happy life with him and you are saying goodbye to that idea as well. You are having to accept that the worst of him is not workable anymore. It’s time to let go of the dream Sam.
Heidi
Hi Sam,
Welcome! Thank you for your vulnerability and sharing your story. It is a very complicated and layered experience you are having, so let’s see if we can dive in and help bring higher level truths into your situation so you can move forward with much more clarity.
I just have a few questions first:
1. What was the reason he got a divorce the first time around?
2. How long has he been an alcoholic and smoking?
3. Does he even admit to being an alcoholic or does he feel it’s not damaging because he is high functioning and not abusive?
4. When he said he would quit, do you think it was for you or was he wanting to quit for himself?Okay…I’m going to play a bit of a devil’s advocate here with some of what you are believing about your situation. It’s meant to help you expand your thinking and understanding of the situation and to generate conversation and more questions from you.
I was having this whole internal dialogue with myself that he chose beer over me. BUT he wasn’t! He has a very high-pressure job and just needed to decompress and have a moment to himself. I see it so clearly now! In my opinion, he was choosing alcohol over you. All addicts choose their substances over connection and relationship. All addicts use substances to manage their stressors, whether it’s their job or family life or their pain from the past etc. But let’s go a little deeper into this. He doesn’t have the ability to choose you, because he doesn’t even choose himself. He is running away from his stressors. And by that I mean he is constantly managing his stressors with alcohol and cigarettes, because he is not willing to face the pain, the anger, the hurt…..basically all the stuff he has buried over the years. So because he isn’t willing to look at all of that baggage he is carrying around and he would rather drink and smoke to manage it, he is not choosing to love himself. He is in constant rejection of himself. Meaning…he is constantly rejecting his darker feelings. So if he can’t even take care of himself and his darker feelings and deal with them in a healthy way, there is no way in the world he would be able to handle yours. And this is why he doesn’t have the ability to choose you. This is why he is choosing alcohol over you. It’s not because he has a stressful job…there are plenty of people who have stressful jobs that are not addicts. He is an unhappy person because of a life long habit of burying his pain from whatever happened in his life and as he gets older, that baggage he is carrying will only get heavier so he will need to increase his drinking and smoking to continue to manage it.
I’m saying all of this because while your lack of a happy demeanor inspired him to stay downstairs, your anger resentment is NOT the main reason he is leaving. He is leaving because that is who he is. He has years of abandoning himself and leaving himself – meaning he avoids dealing with the hard part of life – so he eventually will always leave a relationship. He does not have the skills nor the capacity to deal with the hard part of life.
And I also want to add…I don’t know a single person who would not have become angry for having an absent spouse. You felt how you felt for good reason. You would not be human if you didn’t feel that pain of his daily rejection. He is an addict Sam. Addicts are unavailable and horrible at relationships and that is why there are support groups for the partners and family of addicts…it’s impossible to have a healthy, nurturing connection with an addict, especially if they are not getting help.
I’m not saying your attitude didn’t contribute to breakup, but your attitude is not the core problem here. You could get him back Sam and shift your attitude and be open and loving and accepting, but it will not change that he is an addict and it will not change that he avoids the hard part of life, and it will not change how much he rejects you and the relationship. It is not just YOUR job to nurture the relationship. It’s his job too and you picked a man who doesn’t even take care of himself, so he sure as heck can’t take of your feelings – especially the hard ones.
Now….it is not unusual for men to need to their alone time when under high stress. It’s a common way that they deal with things, but there is a balance to that. If he were healthy and more emotionally available, he would walk in the door, kiss you and say hello, and say “I love you and I will be back up in 30 minutes and available to talk to you.” That takes all of 2 minutes to do to make sure you are connected with and to make sure you get your needs met and then he gets his needs met. It’s NOT your responsibility to make sure he always has a happy home to come back to so he wants to hang out. That is NOT realistic and that is not life. Life is a rollercoaster, so just as you are believing he has the right to have his alone time, you ALSO have the right to feel how you do. Relationships are about talking through ALL of it and coming to a deeper understanding of each other. The thing is, he is not available for you to do that with…and THAT is the core problem hear, not your lack of being your cheery, happy self.
I’m spending every minute I have while I’m not at work, working on myself and learning how to be a better be a better me and show him the person that he fell in love with. I love love love that you are learning about yourself and seeing the areas where you were lacking. Well done. I’m curious, what are doing? Reading books? Have you ever considered working with an expert?
I want to clarify here. I’m not blaming this breakup on him. It is always something that happens because of how BOTH people feel and how BOTH people are behaving. I believe that almost anything is repairable but ONLY if both people come to table and talk about everything. It seems that you are operating under this idea that if you were somehow better, happier, more bubbly, more cheerful, that you wouldn’t have ended up in this place – and it’s THIS belief that I wanted to address. The reason there is an ending is because of him too. So while you are learning about yourself and learning how you could have been a better partner, if he is not interested in coming to the table with the same mindset, willingness to learn, willing to be held accountable, willing to make changes…then there is no relationship. You cannot be the only one here wanting to fix this connection, learning, and growing. I guarantee you, you could get him back and make all your amazing changes, but you would end up right back here, separated and grieving the loss of him, because he did not work on becoming a better partner. Addicts HAVE TO deal with their addiction first before ever being available for a relationship. Their true commitment, their true love, their deepest and strongest relationship is ALWAYS the substance and until that shifts, you and your kids will always be second to his alcohol and cigarettes – which means anyone in his life will be second…and it will only get worse as time goes on. It NEVER gets better until he faces it and commits to changing.
So honestly, the question here is Sam, are you willing to fully accept that you want to be with an addict? Are you willing to fully accept that he will ALWAYS choose his alone time, his alcohol, and his cigarettes over you? Are you willing to feel rejected every single day, even though you are more cheerful and happy to be around? Are you willing to fully accept that a lot of your needs are NOT going to be met?
What I suggest is that while you are learning about yourself right now, also learn about the realities of what it’s like to be in relationship with an addict. And look up “high functioning” as those experiences will be more similar to yours. These are the toughest situations, because they are high functioning, so the consequences appear to be much less damaging…all you are dealing with is daily rejection and not being abused, he is not dangerous, he is present and helpful sometimes etc. But I want to encourage you to still learn about how damaging it can still be. It’s important for you to get a realistic picture about what you are trying to fight for.
I also want you to research “avoidant” attachment style. Also research emotionally unavailable men and relationships. The reality is, even if he were not an addict, I would be saying the same exact thing. The very hard truth is, if 1 partner is emotionally unavailable, not willing to work on themselves, not willing to talk things through, not willing to be a partner through the hard parts of relationship…then it will NEVER be a happy, nourishing, healthy connection. It’s impossible. You have to have BOTH people putting in the effort.
I’ll end with this. It’s obvious he loves you. It’s obvious he is deeply connected to you. It’s obvious he deeply cares about you. I can see why you would want to be keep fighting for this. I sure don’t blame you and I’m not saying that you shouldn’t. What I am trying to do here is to ground you in the reality of your situation. You changing is NOT enough for this marriage to work. It would work for a period of time, but then it would break again at some point and you would be right back here – believing that if you just had been different, if you just had been better, then he would have stayed. And while there is a thread of truth in that, the BIGGER truth is, the marriage is breaking because of his addiction – and that is not something YOU can fix. That is his choice to make.
Okay…so I have no doubt this was hard to read and possibly upset you. Let’s keep talking about this. What questions do you have? What are you having a hard time accepting? Is there anything I may have misunderstood?
Please be patient with me. Trying to deal with a VERY complicated situation through writing is limiting. There are many many nuances that are missed when not being able to talk in person, so I just ask for your patience and understanding.
Heidi
Hi Julia!
I wanted to check in. How are you feeling? Has anything new happened with your guy? Give me an update and any thoughts or questions you might have about what I shared.
Heidi
Hi Julia,
Welcome! I am sooooo so sorry for the hard time you are having. It is heartbreaking to watch someone you deeply connect with, slip through your fingers and there is nothing you can do about it. It’s called powerlessness…and that feeling is what causes sooooooo many people to slip into depression, obsession, suicide, meanness etc. Powerlessness is THE hardest feeling to deal with. My heart goes out to you that you are having to feel all of this.
I’m wondering, do you have access to a therapist or coach or anything? It sounds like you would really benefit from having support from an expert. I will help as much as I can, but the type of pain and the desperateness you are feeling and even wanting to not live anymore sometimes…those are some VERY deep feelings that you need to learn to work with – because this will NOT be the last time you feel this way. I’ve been where you are and I got help and it was the smartest and best decision I have ever made. You are so young and have sooooooo much life ahead of you and I would hate to see you throw it all away because of these intense emotions that are controlling you.
I’ll just explain a bit to you and offer some ideas of how to work with them and maybe it will help.
It’s first VERY important to understand that you have stories connected to these feelings. Your feelings are NOT the facts. They are just feelings associated with a story that your mind made up. We ALL do it. When something challenging happens, our brains cannot help but make up a story like “He doesn’t love me. What’s wrong with me” or “I must have done something wrong.” “I’m not enough.” “Life is not worth living anymore”. These are all short stories that can show up when an event happens. The thing is, NONE of these short stories are based on facts. They are based on YOUR PERCEPTION. You could take 1,000 people and have them go through the same EXACT situation you are going through now, and there would be 1,000 different reactions. So again…emotions are NOT facts. They are perceptions created by your specific filter or lens that formed since you were born. And these stories are controlling your well being. These stories are SOOOOOOO powerful and full of so many lies, but the hardest part is separating yourself from those lies and start to bombard yourself with TRUTH. What’s the truth? You are worth loving and knowing even if this guy doesn’t think so. You absolutely can and will be okay even if this guy never comes back to you. This pain is only temporary and you have laughter and happiness waiting for you on the other side of it. Your broken heart CAN heal. You are MORE POWERFUL and so much more than this pain, than this rejection, than this heartbreak, than this loss. YOU ARE MORE than all of it. These feelings visit us in life every once in a while and will poke holes in our self-esteem. These challenges are always gifts showing us where we are incomplete, where the lies live in our system that create the low self-esteem, where we lose ourselves in other people.
The thing is Julia, the core problem here is NOT that he has disconnected. The core problem here is that you have no idea who you are, your strength, your value, your worth, your beauty…you don’t know any of that WITHOUT this guy. That means you are putting all your value into this guy and now that he is rejecting a connection with you, you have lost yourself. You won’t go home because it’s “too lonely” so you stay at your mom’s house. You stayed in a toxic relationship for a long time and you even continued to allow him to stay with you even after breaking up….all so you don’t have feel that “emptiness” that “loneliness” that “quietness.” The reality is Julia, you cannot spend the rest of your life trying to fill it with people so that you know you are okay and valued. You will have a VERY miserable life that way and it only gets worse as you age.
The reality of life is….YOU ARE POWERLESS to have what you want all the time. That means, rejection is waiting around the corner and at any given moment, your life will fall apart. You might get fired, you might lose someone to death, your heart will get broken from a best friend or another boyfriend and the list is ENDLESS. Life has many ways to shake things up and if you don’t start to learn RIGHT NOW how to deal with the worst of life in a healthy way, you will fall apart again and again and again and keep living in suffering and that is an awful way to live….I know this firsthand. There is another way Julia, but you have to fight for yourself. Instead of looking to HIM to make you feel better, what if you made yourself feel better all on your own? What if you learned how to heal WITHOUT needing him to come back to you. Waiting around for him to come back so you don’t have to hurt anymore is giving him ALL your power…meaning you are relying 100% on HIM for your happiness and well being. You are being a victim. I’ve been there many times until I learned there is another way. I fought hard and learned how to forgive, learned how to accept people’s choices that harmed me, learned how to heal even when those people never apologized or fought for me, learned how to find my happy even when life was challenging, learned how to find my own value without needing anyone else to show me or tell me that I’m valuable. It took a lot of work and a lot of help from experts, but now….I am incredibly strong, I am empowered, I am resilient, I am intelligent, and I deeply love myself, no matter who is rejecting me. I know that I can handle ALL the curve balls of life because I have an incredibly strong foundation of trust and truth constantly running in my system. I began my journey when I was your age because of a broken heart and I want to encourage you to do the same.
You are stronger than you think!
I know you want him back, but to be honest, whatever it is that he is going through is a lot and it sounds like trying to take care of his connection with you is something he doesn’t have the capacity for. He is in survival mode Julia and anyone in survival mode is NOT available to take care of a connection very well. Also, men and women view and experience relationship VERY differently and you are seeing the differences right now. Women absolutely tend to want to connect MORE when stress is high. Men tend to want to disconnect and go into their “caves” and be alone so they can “think” about things. This dynamic is VERY painful for the woman because it’s completely opposite of what they would do. Regardless, it’s so important for the woman to let their guy do what they need to do. Trying to get him back right now Julia might be more harmful for him than good. I know it doesn’t make sense right now, but can you trust that he is doing what he thinks is best for himself right now? Can you let him figure out how he needs to survive without trying to figure out how to keep you happy? Would you be willing to give him space right now?
Heidi
Hi Palesa,
I thought I’d check in and see if you had any thoughts about what I said or to see if you had any other questions. Would love to hear back from you!
Heidi
Hi Palesa!
Welcome! You have a really question and there are a lot of layers to work through, as there is no one “correct” answer. The right answer is really about you and your standards, regardless of him. So let’s see if we can find some clarity for your situation.
First, I have A LOT of questions about a guy who is 57 and never having been in love before. Was the mother of his child a one night stand or something? Second, I also have some concerns that he has no idea how to treat a lady who wouldn’t have sex with him. To me, HIS standards are telling you a lot about him. If you put the 2 together, never having been in love and expecting to easily sleep with women – he is set up to have more surface and casual experiences and does NOT know how to have more deep, vulnerable connections with a woman. Even him “warning” you that he once had a woman who turned into a friend due to a lack of sexual interaction is telling me that this guy equates connection with sex and he has no idea how to TRULY access a woman’s heart. That “warning” was a purely male perspective with very LITTLE understanding of the female heart. And while he says he doesn’t want to pressure you, that statement was 100% pressure and he knows it. He’s been at this game a long time and I guarantee he has a lot of tactics up his sleeve to get a woman into bed. And being that you have said no (good job) he gets to have a challenge.
Just from the things you have shared, it’s pretty obvious this guy doesn’t really know how to be intimate with a woman – he is the type to move fast and stay on the surface and there is no mistake in that…it’s very intentional for him. Whatever his reasons are for setting interactions up like that with women, don’t really matter. What DOES matter is that he doesn’t even know how to be with a woman without sex involved and develop the relationship outside of the bedroom. For a guy who is 57, BIG RED FLAG.
I hate to say this, but it’s possible he has a sex addiction. Even though he is not having sex with you, it’s possible he is having sex with other women in the meantime, while still keeping you on the hook. And considering how he relates to women, it does line up with that type of addiction. But who knows. I know for me, I personally would have my boundaries up EXTRA strong until I really understood about what was going on beneath the surface for this guy. My guess is, his interest won’t last much longer considering his pattern. And that has nothing to do with you!
Even that fact that you feel you might have “overshared” because of telling him your typical experiences with me, tells me there is something about this guy that doesn’t make you feel comfortable opening up and being authentic. Sharing something like that is NOT an overshare. It’s normal and pretty typical and it’s not that deep. It’s also possible that you felt you overshared because you are not used to being a little vulnerable too. I don’t know.
So you have to REALLY think about how you want to be treated. What are your standards beyond having no sex? That’s where the true foundation is established for any relationship. It’s been 6 weeks and he hasn’t been asking you out on dates. He has been texting you daily, but is that REALLY how you want to be treated?
Here is an analogy I like to share. Imagine you are the owner and CEO of your company. Your company is your heart…your vulnerabilities, your thoughts, your love, your insecurities, your greatness….ALL of you. And you are looking to hire someone to help you run your company. This person is going to be INTIMATELY involved. It’s a high level position in your company, therefore there are special skills and experience required in order to handle your heart properly. Dating is the interview process. You are interviewing the guy to see if he has the proper skillset. For high level positions in ANY company, they look for certain skillsets, management styles, critical thinking, problem solving skills etc. So if you look at this guy from this perspective, would you say he is qualified for the job? Does he has the skillset, the motivation, the management style, the ability to handle being at a super high level position for your company??
From what you have shared so far, no way. He has never even been in love, so that in and of itself tells me he doesn’t even have the experience. Also, that fact that it’s been 6 weeks and you are wondering how YOU are supposed to proceed, tells me you are not acting like the CEO of your company. Your heart is SACRED. It’s valuable, it’s precious, it’s one of a kind and you are trying to figure out how to move forward with a guy who clearly has no clue how to be with you without sex? Your standards need to go far beyond no sex. Your standards need to align with how you expect to be treated as a person. Your standards to need to just as strong and expectant as if you were a CEO of a company looking to hire someone for a very high level position. So with that in mind, what are your thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Sharry! Great question. How about you share some details about your situation, so we can offer more customized guidance.
What is happening in your relationship with him that makes you need to use this? Do you understand why he has disconnected? Why do you feel this 12 word text approach will work? What are you going to ask him for help with?
Heidi
Hi PJ,
Sounds like this guy is quite slippery and I know how confusing that can be. He is saying one thing, but doing another. And while what he says is pretty great, he is not taking ACTION on what he is claiming to feel about you.
Honestly, I want to guide you towards letting this guy go. He doesn’t have integrity in his words. For him to be talking with you about having a LT relationship while not having asked you on a date yet…and for him to ask you out a few times and then not following through…you has already broken trust and safety and the relationship hasn’t even started yet. It makes me wonder the other ways this gets expressed in his life. If it’s actually THIS HARD to even start a relationship, then imagine what it would be like to get him to show up on a consistent basis. If he has panic attacks and anxiety, then that tells you that he has a VERY STRONG relationship with fear. And that fear will absolutely ALWAYS win over love, over showing up, over anything he needs to face. If his fear is THAT strong that he can’t even follow through on showing up for a date with you, then you are going to be more in relationship with his fear, than you are with him. You are truly looking at a VERY HIGH MAINTENANCE relationship with this guy. Imagine what happens when you are annoying him, or upset with him, or you do something that hurts his feelings…do you really thing he is going to be open and honest about his feelings? This guy will most likely bury his feelings until one day, he explodes because he cannot contain all his feelings anymore and you will get blasted with years of pent up feelings. Remember, he can’t even follow through on going on a date with you and you think that he has the skills and ability to handle tough feelings that require communication and confrontation??? I doubt it.
And also, you were NOT juggling 2 guys. This current guy is NOT invested in you. He is staying connected but at a distance, yet you are already investing in him and giving him access to your heart, even to the point of ending things with another guy who I’m guessing was actually showing up in person with you.
Your heart is so sacred and so special Pj. Don’t give it away to a guy who doesn’t have the ability to truly take care of it.
Thoughts on all of this?
Heidi
Hi Janeen!
Thank you for sharing your story and validating Rebecca’s experiences as well. I’m glad you have chosen to get some help with your situation!
Men and women operate sooooo differently in relationships, don’t they? It’s soooooo common for women to come across as “needy” and men to come across as “avoiding” and while those are true, to me it is a reflection of our core, instinctive nature. I don’t know a woman alive who wouldn’t head into a “needy” state when their man pulls away. It’s sooooo awful for us because at our very core, instinctive nature, we are the relationship caretakers. You can take everything away from us and we would be okay, but if you take relationships away from us, that is where we will fall apart. That is part of why the woman typically takes care of the children and the family unit. She makes sure everyone’s needs are met, she makes sure she knows the teachers, the neighbors, the coaches, all the people involved in their kid’s life (obviously I’m generalizing here as many moms do not operate this way). For men though, their core focus is in their ability to produce. They NEED to produce something in this world. You can take everything away from a man and he will be okay, but taking away his ability to produce in his life will mean that he falls apart. For example, a guy who is the stay at home parent will make sure his kids are okay AND eventually he will start to find projects around the house to fix or something to make to ensure his core, deep, instinctive needs are met. Typically, the man doesn’t think about getting to know teachers and neighbors and all that, because it just not how they think. I can’t tell you how many guys I dated in my younger years that were AWFUL in relationship as soon as they lost their job and didn’t know what was going to happen next.
My point in sharing this, is to expect to be needy when your guy pulls away. That is a very natural response AND…it’s also super important to manage that feeling in a way that doesn’t cause damage or push your guy away. The neediness is definitely a trigger for a guy to put walls up even more. I really love how you have already recognized this and owned your reaction 100%. Well done! The goal here is for you to regain and re-connect with your confidence WITHOUT him. Meaning, finding your center…finding your power…finding your confidence and value EVEN WHEN he pulls away. This will not be the last time he does this, so it’s a good time to practice learning how NOT to lose yourself when he decides to pull away. This is super tough but one of the most valuable skills that I teach my clients. Here is the one question we usually work with….What do you want HIM to do for you, that you are not willing to do for yourself? For example, when he pulled away and your obsession got triggered, you were chasing after him because you wanted HIM to make you feel better. You wanted HIM to help you get out of this pain of feeling disconnected and separated from him. You wanted HIM to confirm that you were not losing him. In summary, you wanted HIM to connect with you, so you didn’t have the feel the pain of the disconnection that was happening. Basically, this is a very disempowered way to get your needs met. Your well being is reliant on HIM instead of having the skillset to take care of your own needs when he is not able to. So this is where you learn how to connect to yourself. You were hurting which turned into obsessive behaviors. Hurt requires compassion and care and that was what you were wanting from him. So how can you give that to yourself instead? What are 5 ways that you can be compassionate and caring towards yourself that is hurting. An easy way to find these answers is by imagining that part of you that is hurting, is a small child. If you were the parent of the small child hurting, what would you do to help them?
I always suggest 2 ways that involve other people and 3 ways that do not involve other people. This way, when others are NOT available to you for some reason in that moment, you still have a skillset to be able to help yourself. For example, some ways that I personally comfort myself is I create a spa day for myself. I’ll take a shower and use my very favorite (and occasional) sugar scrub that has a calming eucalyptus scent to it. I will put on a face mask, I will lotion up my feet and put on super soft socks, I will make my very favorite tea, and I will watch a super light, fluffy, feel good movie. Another thing I do is I will go to the dog park. Dogs, for me, are incredibly helpful. They are playful, silly, friendly, present being that can shift my mood in heartbeat. Another thing I do is I will get out my mandala coloring book and start to color. One skills I teach people is called the Left/Right handwriting technique. Imagine your dominant hand is your adult you and your non dominant hand is your little you, holding all the hurt feelings. I pull out some big paper and my big crayons (sometimes my glitter pens because that is what my little girls feels like writing with) and I have a conversation with her. My adult (right hand) says “I can feel your sadness. I am so sorry that you are hurting. I would love to hear about it. What would you like to tell me.” and then my little girl (left hand) picks up her glitter pen and starts to write what she wants to tell me. It’s fascinating because it truly feels like a child writing with your non-dominant hand. And so we end up having a conversation. The one rule is though…NO FIXING OR SOLVING THE PROBLEM. We have a tendency to want to fix those feelings, but always remember you are dealing with child mentality. What a child needs MOST is just comfort. They need a hug, they need to be validated, they need to be listened to, they need to feel connected. THAT’S IT!!! So as the adult, that is your ONLY job in that conversation. Does this make sense?
Hope all of this helps!
Heidi
Thank you Corrine! I look forward to hearing about your progress! I’m excited for you and your next phase of healing!
Heidi
Lol! There are MANY people that shouldn’t be married, yet they seem to be content enough to stay. You were married for 2 decades because your belief about how you were to be treated aligned with him. I suppose that’s why anyone stays. It’s a strong enough low self-esteem story that keeps us connected to someone and believing there isn’t anything better. It’s quite the fight to shift that deep core wounding and story. I’m so glad you reached that point and are rebuilding.
Isn’t it interesting how you view your parents completely different than when you were young? That’s why children that go through therapy have to revisit everything as an adult, because the child brain doesn’t have the capacity to truly understand and process all the layers involved in the complexity of life situations.
Well it sounds like you feel complete and clear. Do you have any other questions or interested in exploring anything about yourself? I’m here whenever you need 🙂
Heidi
I am sooooo so proud of you Corrine! You did such a brave thing separating from your ex to the levels you have created. What a journey you have taken! I love how much you are respecting yourself as well as respecting your friend. I hope you get everything you are looking for from that therapy. I know what a relief it is to be free from pain and negative stories from our past.
I’m curious….what happened in your childhood or growing up, that you ended up choosing and staying with a narcissist for so long. Have you put those pieces together yet?
Heidi
Thank you for sharing all of that! Well done for coming as far as you have come so far. It sounds like you have been able to truly connect to higher levels of truth about you, parenting, your daughter and those you are surrounded by. I bet it feels good to block your ex. You are 100% right…you don’t need him in your thoughts or energy field. Part of being healthy is having a low pain tolerance. People who are healthy are not okay being treated poorly or interacting with toxic energy. Good job!!!
I love how you are experiencing more of your feminine side. It’s a journey isn’t it? You are exiting survival mode and finding more of a balance, so your feminine side is more free to come out. This guy sounds like he has been really good for you. I’m still curious though…what changed in the past 5 days? You came here looking for answers and wanting to possibly move forward with something romantic with him and now you don’t. What happened?
Even though my brain tells me that, I’ll be doing my very best to feel it in my heart too Yes, I understand this deeply. I have been on a healing journey for decades and there definitely is a big difference between knowing the truth and feeling/living/being the truth. I luckily have a coach who knows how to help people get the truth more deeply into their system. On the most basic level, all that is happening is that your adult self is able to know the truth, but your wounded self (child energy) is still carrying enough lies in her system, that it prevents the truth from getting into your beingness. So it’s basically our emotional baggage that gets in the way of all of us FEELING the truth deep in our hearts. But man, once it gets there, it’s in! No one can take it away from you. I hope this therapy will be able to offer that to you.
Heidi
Hi Corrine!
Oh I’ve never heard of anyone doing this therapy. I’m curious. If you happen to still be a member here, I’d love to hear how it has impacted your life. Very interesting!
So I’m curious. What specifically changed for you just in the past 5 days since your original post? You came here wanting something more from him and how to approach that and now you have no expectations and don’t want anything from him. So what has happened for you that has caused this shift?
This year, I plan on working on me first because I can’t be the best version of myself until I’m completely healed. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that this is your focus. It’s not an easy journey, but one well worth taking. So in your mind, what does completely healed look like to you? Personally, I don’t believe that is possible. I believe that for the rest of our lives we are learning and growing and in order to do that…we need pain, we need hurt, we need dysfunction – otherwise if we were completely healed, we would only have happy emotions and NEVER feel anything challenging. So what does completely healed mean to you? I also want to say that the best version of yourself is a fluid thing and constantly shifting and changing. Waiting until you reach that “best” version of yourself before you enter into a relationship is not realistic. Meaning, it’s absolutely okay for you to be messy and still be in a loving, nourishing, high functioning relationship. My point in saying all of this is to have you look at this idea of you have about yourself in the future (post therapy, healed etc.) and know that you are enough RIGHT NOW. You are lovable, worth knowing, and worth fighting for just as you are. It’s easy to get caught up into this idea of “I need to get better to get what I want or be a better person and it’s a lie. Your thought process is no different than someone thinking “I just need to lose this extra weight and THEN I can get or have…..” I get this train of thought AND learning to love and accept yourself JUST AS YOU ARE is one of the most important journeys you could ever take. Accepting ourselves does not mean we are not growing and learning…it just means that who we are in each moment is lovable.
Heidi
