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One said, “It’s so easy for us to forget you deal with this because you’re so high-achieving in every other area of life – this is where you struggle, and now we know how to support you through it!” I’m still going to be more discerning about what I share with them to be extra careful, but I was so happy that it was well-received. Oh my goodness how amazing!!! I LOVE this! They received what you said so beautifully. Did you come up with a word you can use to remind them you are heading into overwhelm? They are going to forget, so set you and them up for success with a super quick reminder.
I’ve been going to therapy for over 10 years now, and even though I’ve come a LONG way since then, the effects of those events still linger. Oh I’m so so sorry to hear this! Events like this are completely heartbreaking and shattering. Isn’t it crazy how another person’s meanness and lack of awareness has such a long and lasting impact??? The mind is seriously so fascinating! So what kind of therapy do you do? Is it just talk therapy or are there other modalities involved?
he helped me see that not all men are selfish and vindictive. He was not perfect, but he helped me learn to trust a little more, and I’m really grateful to him for that. I love this. Each and every one of us deserves a chance to get to know someone with a clean slate. Unfortunately, that typically is not how it works. Because of the baggage we all carry, we cannot help but view others through that lens of distortion. I’m so happy that he gave you a new experience!!! You needed that!
So I suppose my sensitivity is a gift in that regard; it immediately filters out people who aren’t a good match, both romantically and otherwise. It sure is a timesaver in that regard. Absolutely!!! As with any gift or superpower, it has a light and a dark side. We are responsible for understanding both sides and how our gift function.
I do not plan on settling for anything less, especially not after experiencing something so beautiful. I’m just not very patient with the universe’s/God’s timing, one of a few things I’m working on… I’m not sure many people are patient. With the level of instant gratification this world has set up in our culture, patience is greatly lacking! Back in the day, we all had so much more patience because we didn’t have cell phones or fast computers. We had to wait for things A LOT. I remember doing book reports by looking stuff up in the encyclopedias!!! LOL. Man, those were the days. Dating was completely different back then and so much more healthy. I miss those days. The tech that has entered into our way of living is absolutely fantastic AND I have watched many ways of being and interacting disappear…for example…the amount of people that get into fights over text is appalling! So few people talk in person about their challenges and communication skills have flown out the window. The amount of toxic, mean, critical, and judgmental opinions that people feel is okay to post, completely baffles me. They are hiding behind screens, because back in the day – people in general did not treat others that way. I’m sure they wanted to, but if they did, it would have to be face to face and most people are too chicken to do it. Now it’s rampant. It makes me sad. I just went down the rabbit hole a bit. LOL. Anyways, let’s talk about patience a bit. I’m not sure if you have ever thought of it this way, but patience requires surrender. This is incredibly difficult for most people, because that requires letting go of control – and who wants to do that? Control is an illusion we all invest so much of our time and energy into. Why? It all boils down to fear. We are afraid of not knowing. We are afraid of pain. We are afraid of what might come that will cause us pain, so we do everything we can to prepare, plan, do the “right” thing etc. We can’t help it of course….it all comes from the ego – and that’s okay! What I’ve learned over the years is that while I “think” I know what I want, it’s really only for that moment, that phase, that age, that season. I almost got married in my mid 20s – I look back now and thank god I never took the leap. As heartbroken as I was back then not following through, there is NO WAY we would have made it, considering the path I was on. We were a guaranteed divorce for sure – but I had no idea what was ahead of me back then. You haven’t lived enough life yet to truly know that through and through. Today, even though I still try and control things, there is another part of me that is pretty strong that says “I trust that whatever shows up for me in any moment, is here to help me become more of who I need to be in this world.” This belief has shaped over the many years of the rug being pulled out from under me and going from devastation to healing and then seeing in hind sight how I was being rescued or prepared or developing a certain skillset I needed. In the moment, we want what we want, but it isn’t until later that we can look back and see how there truly was a divine plan at work and everything turned out okay – and many times better than we could have ever created with our ego.
My point being Anna…practice feeling surrender. Practice feeling the safety within the idea that the God/universe has your back and you are being held. If that is struggle (which it was for me for a very long time – and sometimes still is) then the very foundation of feeling safe in this world (which you need safety in order to feel patience) is trusting in yourself. You got this! Meaning…no matter what shows up or doesn’t show up in your life, you will be okay? How do you know that? Because you are resourceful. You are strong. You are determined. You are educated. You are supported. You are skilled. You have EVERYTHING within you to handle whatever life throws your way – even if that means being single in your 50s like me. Never in a million years would I have ever thought I would still be single and I remember feeling MANY times…there is no way I would ever feel okay being single in my 30s – then that decade passed – then my 40s – and now my 50s. I don’t have the answers as to why – but what I do know is that being single has allowed me to grow in ways I wouldn’t have been able to if I were attached to someone…and for that, I am grateful. I know that doesn’t sound appealing compared to falling in love and creating a family and home with someone, but now that I’m hear…I wouldn’t trade it. I had to give up being patient, because that meant I was just waiting for my guy to show up. So I stopped being patient and just completely surrendered to “he will show up whenever he does and in the meantime, I am going to become the best version of myself possible.” So I stopped looking, stopped trying, stopped pursuing romance, because I trust that he will make himself known to me when the timing is right. At my age now, it’s much easier to just surrender to what is. At your age, I would know that I am saying is true, but being able to align with it is a HUGE struggle, so I understand what you want, why you want it, and why this guy is so special for you. All I can say is that the timing isn’t aligning and there is reason for it, far beyond what you are aware of right now…but there ALWAYS is a reason. You may never discover what that reason is or maybe you will figure it out someday. Either way, there is no mistake in how things turned out right now. So surrender to the process of your life is showing up as.
Heidi
I will say this again…..I LOVE our conversation!! Thank you for sticking with it, remaining open, and sharing your thoughts and struggles. It truly is an honor to be part of your journey right now!
I so appreciate your input on dealing with my family. I never thought about the idea that my sensitive nature makes me “powerful” with them… I kinda love that… Let me help you understand this better so you can be more intelligent and aware as you work with them.
You are more connected, conscious, and stronger than them in the sense that you FEEL. It takes GREAT strength to feel all the different emotions we are capable of. I used to be pretty numb. I was insanely emotionally intelligent, but I had a very low ability to feel anything, because I had a super rough childhood. So my protective mechanism was to just shut down. This is how most people operate. It’s a very intelligent way we were made because it helps us survive what we needed to survive when we were young. However, what helped us as children, then turns around and hurts us as adults. So going numb helped me survive as a child, but as an adult, not being able to feel very much meant that I had much more of a capacity to be mean, uncaring, and cold. It took MANY years of healing work to undo the damage from growing up and now I feel A LOT!!! However, it’s definitely more difficult. I hurt A LOT more. I feel sadness more, I feel anger waaaaay more etc.
What’s interesting about how we are designed is that our threshold for pain is directly connected to our threshold of happiness as well. So because I was pretty numb and didn’t feel much hurt, pain, or anger etc. it ALSO limited my ability to feel the positive emotions. Sure I could laugh and have fun, but I was a pretty serious person. I definitely never was silly or goofy, I couldn’t excited about much, and I definitely didn’t feel appreciation or gratitude very much. So as I started my therapy journey and expanding my capacity to feel the yuk side of my emotions, automatically I started feeling the good stuff too! Today, I am able to tap into the gorgeous beauty, wonder, and awe of a flower or the smell of a pine tree BECAUSE I am now able to feel the sadness, pain, anger etc. from something as small as accidentally stepping on a snail and ending its life.
You are MUCH stronger emotionally than your family – you have a spectrum of emotions that you have access to which means your life is much more rich and full. When you feel, especially the harder emotions in life, it reminds others of what they are avoiding and running from (on a subconscious level). Your family keeps trying to change your sadness, because it reminds them of the sadness they carry within themselves (they have no idea that’s what they are really doing though). If they were in relationship with their own sadness, your sadness would be completely fine for them! They would have compassion and care for you instead of trying to change you. Your emotions scare them (again, not something they are aware of consciously). And that makes you quite powerful. You become the focus of attention for them, right? You become the target to “control” because they feel out of control inside. When people feel out of control, they naturally go to some place where they can get control. Me, for example, I tend to clean when I have power drops. I have control over my home and there is a beautiful accomplishment when I’m done. If you think about it, A LOT of the people who are teachers, cops, judges….they spent their lives feeling out of control, so they end up being drawn to a career where they have control/power over other people.
Is this making sense as to why your family reacts to you the way they do? And think about it Anna…if you didn’t have any influence or impact on your family, they wouldn’t be spending so much time focusing on trying to change you. You get so much attention from them (even though it’s unhealthy – but attention is attention).
Yes, you are going to have to protect yourself. It really is sad that you most likely will have to start being more discerning about what you share with them. It’s a loss. It’s saying goodbye to the closeness you want with them and that’s always difficult. However, it will also strengthen you internally. You will be building trust within yourself that because you will be making your own heart a priority…something that healthy people do!
Let me know how it goes for you as you try out some new things with them. Just keep connected to the higher level truth here as you may face some rejection….any rejection of you, is BECAUSE they are rejecting themselves. It’s not about you and not being enough, it’s about them – and as you ask for them to become more aware of YOU, you are asking them to become more aware of themselves…and they may not be ready for that. And that’s okay. Keep coming here so we can talk about anything you may end up feeling. I’m here for you!
Your perspective on rejection as a revealer of “cracks” in self-esteem is one I never considered. I normally just try to push through rejection/fear of rejection and ignore it because, as you said, it is a universal experience. I’m glad this resonated for you! If rejection hurts, it’s only because we are disconnected from the higher level truth and more connected to some kind of low self-esteem story that lives within that crack. So because my father was incredibly destructive towards me, when a guy would reject me, all the low self-esteem my father programmed me to feel would get activated. Those low self-esteem stories are FULL of lies, but it feels real and this is why: when challenges happen to a child, it stores in the brain in “state-specific” form. Let’s say you are 5 years old and you want to play with the girls on the swing set at school. They push you away and one girls says “No, you are ugly so you can’t play with us.” You will store that moment in your brain in the “state” you are in….AS A 5 YEAR OLD. This means that your little 5 year old brain will believe her, believe that there is something wrong with you, and let’s say she is a blond hair blue eyed girl, your brain would store that in the subconscious and your 5 year old brain will think that all blond haired blue eyed girls are prettier than you. A 5 year old brain DOES NOT have the capacity to process the TRUTH about that situation nor understand it. So this story gets stored in your little 5 year old and then every other rejection you feel as you go through life, will just add to that original story – therefore helping your low self-esteem to grow – therefore feeling the pain of rejection. The higher truth is, if someone rejects you, it’s not because something is “wrong” with you…it’s because something about the situation is not a match for some reason – who knows what that reason is, but it’s NEVER all about you and it’s NEVER about you not being lovable, or being enough, or being whatever it is you think you need to be so don’t get rejected. If we ALL were connected to THAT truth, rejection wouldn’t hurt would it? We may feel disappointment that something didn’t work out, but we wouldn’t absorb the pain, we wouldn’t take it personally, we wouldn’t be so afraid of it. So that is why the pain of rejection reveals the areas in your system where you have cracks – the cracks are where those stories are stored – and even though they are buried, they are still very much alive and influence you every single day. It’s so fascinating….this is where learning the language of the subconscious is INCREDIBLY helpful. As I started doing my healing work over 30 years ago, I started to see within myself, all the thoughts, the behaviors, the choices, the feelings I was having that were coming from the cracks in my system and actually had NOTHING to do with the present moment. The present moment was just the trigger to show me where I am not healed. That’s why pain is a gift. That’s why pain is our teacher. It shows us where we are not free from those stories we made up as children about whatever was happening. I normally go through all of this in a class setting and I am able to go into much more detail, but hopefully this will at least give you a little more insight into yourself as well as what you are triggering within your family (remember, it’s not your fault that you are triggering them!).
Isn’t it ironic that mature, fun, high-quality people, people who would make amazing partners, sometimes struggle to find other amazing partners? OMG Anna! I cannot tell you how many times I have had this thought. It makes soooooo much sense though. While it’s not fair, it makes sense. Taking the journey of healing that I have over the years, I cannot tell you the amount of pain I have had to face. I cannot tell you how many times I was down on my knees, barely able to breathe from crying so hard. Even yesterday I got triggered and was taken back to moments in my childhood where I was powerless in being able to help my bunny and save him from the people who were hurting him. The darker side of emotions are incredibly difficult to feel and when you don’t have help or the skillset to be able to process all of it out of your system, then all that happens is people get depressed, high anxiety, high levels of stress and then they grab for addictions to help them cope or they go see a doc who will prescribe them meds. Healing and letting go of the baggage is NOT a common path. I know very few people who actually live on that path. When I was younger, I could have the pick of any guy that I wanted. I had soooooo much attention everywhere I went and I soaked it up like it was a drug. But I only got all of that attention because I was LOADED up with baggage – and that is how the average person lives….asleep with no idea who they REALLY are. Taking the healing path, while my insides could breath, while my internal strength sky rocketed, while my joy in life multiplied by a thousand, I also became more lonely because there were not a lot of people to be friends with or date. I have a little sister (just a friend but she feels like my little sis cuz she’s 29) who is online dating right now and she is INCREDIBLY evolved. She has been working with my coach for a few years now and her emotional intelligence, her inner strength, her self-esteem have all sky rocketed and she just keeps going on first dates with guys who are just missing it. But like you, both she and I would rather be alone and happy than tied to a guy who doesn’t operate at the level that we function. And while it is slim pickings for us, the quality of our relationships FAR exceeds what average person will ever get to feel. The depth of love we are able to offer and receive, the level of joy and laughter we get to feel every single day, and the quality of life we have….well I’ll just say we are both completely content with being alone 🙂
It’s honestly very inspiring that you’ve come to such a solid place in your life, even without a guy! Maybe I’ll get there, too, eventually; it’s just taking a little longer than I thought it would. Something to aim for…you want to feel whole and complete in your life…meaning you do not need a guy to feel happy, or content, or feel better. When YOU feel complete and whole, then there is no “needing” a guy or “wishing” for a guy or “craving” a guy. All those feelings are coming from your subconscious stories telling you that you “need” a guy to feel good about yourself – and that is NOT the energy you want to invite someone into, because all that will happen is that guy will become what I call your “feeding tube” and any guy who says yes to that, will also be needing to attach his “feeding tube” to you as well. So when you are complete and whole, you don’t need anything from them. They will ADD to your life, not fill it. This takes a while Anna and it takes a lot of help from experts who know how to guide you in clearing out the gunk. So be patient with yourself and when you are ready, seek some professional or expert help. There is no way you can do this journey alone…no one can. I am happy to recommend my coach (she is seriously badass!) if you ever feel ready to dive in deeper.
I’ve always felt like my sensitivity/ASD made me childish and inherently inferior to those who have a higher threshold than I. I get why you would think this way. Most do and I used to think this way too until I realized I was completely wrong. Here is another way to view it….the higher the pain threshold, the more emotionally unhealthy the person is. Healthy people have a lower tolerance for pain, because they FEEL!!! I used to date those “bad boy” types all the time and man did it suck! Constant games, constant rejection, constant up and downs, but that was the environment I was used to. I hated it, but it was familiar. Now that I am healthy, you couldn’t pay me a million dollars to even have a conversation with a guy who functions on that level. EXHAUSTING!!!!! But back then, because I had a HIGH pain threshold, I could take on all that drama and be okay. So do you see how your sensitivity is a gift??? It keeps you connected to yourself and is a warning system about who to avoid, who to connect with, and how to navigate your life so you stay in your happy, peaceful zone! Your sensitivity is your sensing system that is there to protect you and keep you safe from those who want to bring chaos into your life. There is no inferiority about that!!! That is just plain smart to me, wouldn’t you say?
Heidi
OMG Anna! There is so much stuff to talk about! There are many, many layers here, so let’s definitely keep this conversation going. You are having some very normal feelings, experiences and thoughts and I want to help you work through them with higher level truths….NOT the human ego level truths.
I saw my family a couple days ago, and unprovoked, they confronted me about “always being quiet/sad,” and I just about LOST IT – I shut down pretty much the rest of the time there. I’m so so sorry you had to go through this! Yuk! Of course you shut down. I don’t know many people who wouldn’t want to just go into a room and close the door. You didn’t feel safe and that is an awful feeling amongst your own family members.
But after that incident, I think I do need to sit them all down… do you have any suggestions as to how to approach that conversation? Because I don’t know your family, I’m going to offer 2 ideas and you can sit with them for a bit and see what you think.
1. Maybe it’s just too vulnerable to be open and honest about how you are feeling. There are PLENTY of times that I do not share my deeper, more expansive self because the person/people in front of me would end up rejecting me, because of their own limitations. One of the rules I go by when confronting is this: is it safe FOR ME? When exposing yourself to people (even family) that don’t have the capacity to hold space for you and help you feel safe, then all you are doing is setting yourself up for rejection. So it’s important for you to protect your very precious, very sacred heart – and that means it’s important to be discerning. With that being said, you can have a very surface level conversation where you simply state…”I know you all love me and care about me and that’s why you voice your concerns about how I am being. I know your hearts are in the best place. I think sometimes you forget I am on the spectrum, so while you are trying to help, how it’s being done is not helpful for me. I actually end up shutting down and getting more quiet and I know that’s not what you want me to feel like. So, if you want to help, here is the best way to do that…..” and then you teach them what you DOES work. People respond really well to what they CAN do to help ease the pain somehow. Focus on that aspect so they can feel empowered in how to interact with you. It’s the basic idea of this:
“when you do this……I end up feeling like this……and I know that’s not what you want. So this is actually the very best way you can help me by doing ……”
Does this make sense?
What I also suggest moving forward is to come up with an “overwhelm” word. Meaning, have 1 word that you teach your family that when you say that word, it tells them that they are pushing you far enough and you are heading into shut down mode. And that when you say that word, you teach them what they need to do instead. So for example, let’s say they start to come at you about your sadness and you feel inside like you are shutting down. So you say “Pineapple!” And when you say that, the person then automatically knows that you are shutting down and they need to stop. And then you teach them to say something like “Okay. You are shutting down. What do you need from me right now?” It doesn’t have to be this exact suggestion, but something similar. Maybe it’s not a work, but instead you do a hand gesture. Or maybe you start doing jumping jacks. Either way, maybe there is some kind of signal of some sort, that you can teach your family (or anyone close to you) about your limits and what you need differently. If they don’t respect it in the moment, you walk away. Does this concept make sense to you? Either way, your family is going to come after you again. It’s inevitable because they are uncomfortable. From what it sounds like and how I am seeing this, is you are quite powerful in your family. You seem to really impact them in big ways – and that means that you are going to mirror back to them, all their insecurities, limitations and their fears. So….what are some ways you can protect yourself against their limitations?? I’m sure they will try and be better, but because of their humanness, they will mess up. So how can you protect yourself better? How can you set some boundaries? How can you stay in the room without shutting down? How can you teach them to be more aware? Just throwing out some thought provoking questions…
I’m worried that men will look at me and go, “Hell no, she’s too much…” I know logically that that just means he’s not my person, but it makes me wonder – if my family is this quick to jump down my throat, how the heck will another man, a STRANGER, react to me? Lol! Do you know how many people feel this way???? EVERYONE! We all have this fear. We all have this insecurity. We ALL have quirks that make each and every one of us a challenge to deal with. That is just the reality of relationships. You can easily flip that question around and say, “How the heck are you going to react to him???” Because I guarantee you, any guy is going to have baggage.
So how do you deal with this thought and fear?? Whenever I have this fear, I look at it as an opportunity to strengthen my self love. The reality is, we teach others how to treat us. We teach others how to respond to us. We teach others what is acceptable and not acceptable. So imagine you have rock solid self-esteem….it wouldn’t matter what reactions another guy has towards you, right? Here’s an analogy….Let’s say you have brown hair. You are SOLID in that…you KNOW you have brown hair through and through…so much so that if you had 100 guys walk up to you and tell you that you have blond hair or red hair, you would think “No! I have brown hair – no question about it.” THAT is what solid self esteem feels like. It feels like you KNOW that you are lovable and worth knowing…even WITH your darker side, even WITH your quirks, even WITH your limitations. So whenever someone challenges who you are and they judge you – and then it impacts you – the gift is….they are showing you where there is a “crack” in your self-esteem. So in my mind I say “thank you for showing me where I need to send some extra love towards myself.” “Thank you for shining a light on a part of me that is insecure so I can go give her some much needed attention.”
Bottom line is Anna, rejection is part of relationship. Even with your guy, if you were to be in a relationship with him, there will be times that he rejects you – and you will reject him. He will hurt you, let you down, disappoint you, betray you in some sort of way – and you will do the same to him. It’s inevitable. So….I consider dating as a way to develop and improve upon my relationship skills of handling rejection, abandonment, hurt, disappointment – all with grace and forgiveness. Dating is a GREAT way to practice setting boundaries, communicating your needs, using your voice etc. The reality is Anna, whether you are out there dating or in a relationship with a guy you love, you are going to feel hurt. You are going to feel pain – it’ll just be different. And many times the pain within a relationship is MUCH worse, because it’s caused by someone you love vs. a stranger.
So again, I want to bring you back to this perspective….every single person who hurts you, is here as a teacher to show you where you are not free. Every single pain you feel is showing you exactly where you are stuck in some sort of low self-esteem lie. Pain is our teacher.
As much as I pride myself on my authenticity and want to be one of those rare people that brings that to dating, this all makes me wonder if I have to change in order to be loved. I know I shouldn’t let men’s opinions of me affect my self-worth, but as I watch my younger(!) friends get married and settle down, I can’t help but feel like something is fundamentally wrong with me. It scares me so much; it makes me emotional just typing it out. I keep trying to tell myself that it’s okay, my friends are just on a different timeline than I, I’m holding out for someone whose bag of crazy matches mine (with better timing haha)… but it’s hard to shake that fear. I don’t know if any of that makes sense; hopefully it does. Okay, I will share a bit of personal information here I normally do not share. I am 51 and still not married. I have not been in a relationship for about 15 years now. It sometimes baffles me because how can I not have settled into someone by now? How does a relationship coach end up single at this age? I am attractive, intelligent, fun, athletic etc. but somehow I am still single. So I get the whole comparing thing where you are watching everyone around you match up and you aren’t. I’ve dealt with that many times. And you know what I always come back to? My job is to focus on RIGHT NOW. Who do I want to be? What kind of person am I going to choose to be TODAY? The thing is Anna, the way to deal with any fear, is to step into it. I used to be so scared about not having a guy to cozy up with. Now, being 51, I am more happy and more fulfilled than I ever have been. And THAT is the kind of person I want to be when I meet someone. And that’s my only job….being the highest, best version of myself. And I gotta say….I’m soooooo thankful I’m not married. Why? Because it has allowed me the freedom to TRULY get to know myself, develop my self esteem, and become a much more powerful person without worrying about how I’m affecting my person. The reality is…being single is pretty great. I have freedoms that couples never get to feel. But they have things I don’t get to feel. So the way I view it….single or coupled up….BOTH have some pretty great things and BOTH have some big challenges. Is one better than the other?? Nope. They are just different experiences – different paths that offer a variety of experiences. I have gotten to the point where I do not crave or seek after being in a relationship. I am 100% peaceful and content in my life. I know a man will eventually show up for me…when and how…who knows – but who cares. I am still loving my life TODAY! So how about facing that fear of yours….you know what F.E.A.R. stands for? False Evidence Appearing Real. If you are single at 60 years old, do you REALLY think that life will suck without man? Do you really think that you cannot feel fulfilled and completely happy in your life if you are unattached???
I just wish my emotions weren’t so strong. But I’m trying to just accept the fact that my emotional state is a little rough right now and give my feelings a space to be expressed, even when others won’t do that for me. First, your emotions are strong for a reason. You are sensitive and that is a GIFT. I know it doesn’t feel like that sometimes, but you are ahead of the curve on this one. Your emotions are strong because that is how you were made and there is NO mistake in that. Your strong emotions are important and valuable. I love that you just keep talking to him and letting it flow. I promise, there will be a day where you won’t cry. You just have to be patient with yourself.
Here is a technique that my Coach invented. Place your right hand over your heart and rub in a clockwise direction while you say this 3 times:
“It’s okay to be okay to be me, and be more than____________(fill in the blank with what you’re feeling – i.e. this hurt or this loss)
And have life after ______________________(this loss or this hurt)
Be safe, be happy and at peace.This is a super powerful technique to help empower you. It allows for your darker emotions to exist while also reminding you that you are more than that. I will pick an emotion or a fear and say it 3 times and then pick a different emotion or fear and say that 3x – rinse and repeat. You will be surprised at how your start to feel different.
This was a lot, so hopefully it wasn’t too overwhelming for you! Let me know how all of this feels for you.
Heidi
“But if I see something I want, I should be free to go after it…RIGHT?!” Haha. LOL. You know….I love this mindset! It takes great strength and courage to live this way. I wish it were that simple with dating. It absolutely is true, but it’s much more nuanced. Think about it this way….you want something, so definitely be free to go after it, BUT…..how you go about getting what you want will change according to who you are dealing with. You KNEW that you needed to initiate with your guy and he was very responsive. That is what worked for both of you. It will be different for someone else. So remember that as you move forward, definitely go after what you want, but be open to different ways to go about it, so you can set yourself up for success. Does that make sense?
I think the ASD is partly why I developed such a special bond with him – the only people who can truly understand what it’s like to be on the spectrum are other folks who are on the spectrum. This makes soooooo much sense! You are absolutely right. You both were able to be 100% of yourselves and that is incredibly important for any successful connection. So what that it didn’t look conventional. It sounds like your family struggles with any differences you may have. The beauty and the gift they are offering you though, is practicing to be yourself anyways, even though it goes against what they think. That is TRUE authenticity and honestly, I know very few people who are strong enough to be that…especially when dating. Your family is great practice for you!
I think addressing them and communicating my needs in the moment would be a great place to start, and if they don’t respond well, then I can sit them down and try a more serious, in-depth approach. I’ll be seeing them later today, so we’ll see how it goes… I know they love me and want to support me the best they can, so hopefully I can show them how they can do that. let me know how it goes for you! I’m sure they will do their best, but this is where you can help them become more conscious and aware.
saw something. I FELT something. Yes, it could be frustrating for me to keep initiating, but look at the end result – as you put so perfectly, we created something beautiful and nourishing. We care deeply about each other, enjoy each other’s company, and are there for each other through the good and the bad. THAT is what’s most important to me! And I miss him so much. He understands me in a way that most people simply can’t. I think that’s why this healing process has been such a difficult one. It’s hard for me to let go of something like that, but I promise I’m trying. Thank you again for providing a platform for me to air all of these things out and accelerate my healing process. I get it. Feeling something this beautiful is incredibly difficult to let go of. Of course you miss him. You want more and you want it to grow. I wish the timing were different so you both could explore the potential, but for whatever reason, the timing is off. So for now, you get to develop a different type of relationship with him. You get to strengthen your friendship, you can get to know more of his quirks, and you can both continue to support each other. One day at a time Anna.
I really really love how honest you are with yourself. I wasn’t sure how you would respond to me suggesting to change his title. But you understood and not only did you admit to it, you are even willing to give him a new title. I know how hard that is. You have strong feelings for him. I love that you are willing to stay connected to the present moment instead of living in the fantasy about him. This will help your relationship develop in a more realistic way.
Keep sharing your thoughts! Keep sharing your struggles!
Heidi
You are truly delightful to talk with! You are open, receptive and you have an internal strength that is beautiful! I love that I got to become part of your journey!
As far as being the initiator, could he possibly be on the spectrum a bit? The example you gave me made me laugh. That totally is a face palm moment! His response made me think that he is quite underdeveloped and extremely literal, which are qualities of those on the spectrum. He may be high functioning in a lot of areas, but socially is a different thing. Thoughts on this?
Either way, I can see why your family didn’t love your connection with him, but the truth is….you are the only one who truly knows what it felt like. Sure it was unbalanced, but each couple is going to have a unique version of what balance is. And since he is socially not in tune, it would make sense that you would need to initiate…cuz he just doesn’t get it – and it’s not his fault – it’s most likely just how he is built. So that means you are going to have to carry the load in that department – and as long as you are okay with that, then that’s okay! Of course it can be frustration though. That’s a normal reaction – but again, it sounds like even though you were the one to make things happen, he whole heartedly loved joining you and that’s just beautiful and nourishing!!!!
I’m wondering what he is like when he is stressed out. Do you know? If he is not very in tune, then I imagine he might have a shut down type of reaction if confronted about something, or if he feels too much stress.
Also, I’d like to make a suggestion. How about you give him a different title other than “work husband.” That title would be no big deal if you didn’t have feelings for him, but since you do, it’s a way your psyche is creating a pretty big story (a husband story) around him. It’s a round about way to call him your “husband,” which I know you have thought and fantasized about. Being that the relationship has changed, it’s important for you to really keep yourself grounded in reality. If you want to heal, if you want to eventually be open to meeting someone knew, work “husband” is a title that needs to melt away and be replaced by something else. How does this make you feel?
Let me know what you think of Marco Polo! I hope it works out!
As far as your family and approaching the conversation, it’s mostly about using your voice and allowing yourself to be heard. If something shifts in them and they get on board with what you need, then great! That means they are open to learning. If nothing changes, that’s okay too. It’s important for you to be in acceptance for whoever they are.
So one small thing you can do IN THE MOMENT, is BEFORE you say anything about your hurt, your feelings, or anything of that nature, you teach the person what you need from them. So you can say something like, “So I’d like to share something with you, but I need you to just listen. I just need you to hold space for me to feel what I need to feel and not try and change it or fix it.”
Or…you can have a deeper conversation where you sit down and explain more about what you need. What do you feel you would like to do? If you want to have a deeper more focused conversation about it, I’m happy to share how to go about it in a way that will help keep the walls down.
Heidi
Oh I LOVE that you did the whole talking it out thing and that it was cathartic for you! It’d be interesting to see how you feel in a week or so, if you do something like that every single day. Definitely keep me updated!
I know it’s weird texting him. It’s a whole new relationship. You might want to try Marco Polo. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this app. I have friends all over the country and this is how I stay in touch with them. Basically, you are leaving each other video messages. You listen and respond whenever you can and it’s fantastic because I can see their faces, I can hear their tone of voice, and many messages will last 15 -30 minutes long so I get FULL updates. And because they are talking stream of thought and no one is interrupting, I actually get quite a bit of info. from them. I usually listen to all the messages in my car and I’ll respond to them in my car as well. It feels about as personal as you can get considering the long distance. Maybe he would be willing. It def would bring you closer if that is what you both want. I will tell you that everyone struggles with it at first…talking into the camera and being on video. BUT…eventually you just get used to it. It’s free for the basic version I believe. Maybe ask if he would be willing. And I definitely would suggest it with your friends!!!
I’m glad to hear he is transitioning well and that you got an “I miss you.” That must have felt really good. Keep crying, keep letting it out, and work towards balancing the pain of loss with laughter, fun, adventures, doing something new. That will help a lot! I know this is not the same, but when my last dog passed away, it was so painful that my emotional system actually went numb. I would have moments where I could feel myself sinking into a deep pit of depression, so I helped myself by watching funny animal videos on instagram. I would scroll for a bit (sometimes much longer), but by the end, I had my head above water again. I would laugh, I would feel wonder, I would learn…I’m not a fan of scrolling social media for many reasons, but for the first handful of months after my dog passed, it was a game changer for me. You gotta find anything you can to balance out the pain with joy…whatever that may be for you. Activating your creativity is really powerful too. There is a store out here called “paint a mime” and you can go in and choose a ceramic dish to paint. They will fire it up for you when you are done and you get to go home with something you created. That’s fun! I’ve gone to a few group events where it’s wine and crafts. You show up and pick a craft you want to create from the selection they offer and sip some wine and eat some snacks. SOOOOO fun! I went solo a few times and it was great because everyone is just at a big table at the wine bar who is hosting and just chatting away.
It also can help to watch some movies that are encouraging where the main character goes through heartbreak and recovers. Something like Under the Tuscan Sun. It’s good re-programming to watch the main character heal.
Tell me more about him. I know this may not be fun to talk about, but it’s part of relationship. Tell me about his worst side. What are some red flags or limitations you noticed about him?
Heidi
I’m sorry about your family. Since you are close with them, is there a possibility you could communicate what you need differently from them? I get how frustrating it is, especially since you hold space for them when they come to you, but maybe you can begin to teach them a different way to respond that is helpful. Do you think they would be open to your needs? If yes, there are few ways we can talk about of how you can approach the conversation. Let me know!
Thank you for sharing! It truly is absolutely beautiful how you felt around him. It sounds like you really felt safe, seen, and the most like yourself and that is truly a special type of connection. I love that you got to feel that. There are many people in the world who will leave this earth never knowing what that feels like.
Have you talked with him at all since he left? If yes, how is he doing? How does the connection feel?
You are going to have many tears as you slowly say goodbye to the connection – this change is so so hard. One thing that helped me a TON when I said goodbye to someone I love very much, was writing to him and speaking to him in a recorder. I had soooooo many things I wanted to say to him. So I got a journal specifically for him. And back in the day, I bought a small recorder that I kept in my car, because I would have a lot of feelings in my car. So I wrote to him and I talked to him….I just let it aaaalllll out! I can’t tell you how helpful that was….because I didn’t want my friends to get sick of me talking about him, so I held back a lot. But when I allowed these pathways for myself…it just accelerated the peace I eventually came to. Some days I missed him like crazy and other days I was so mad at him. Up and down and up and down I went, but I let it all out. And it was fantastic and so helpful! So write letters to him, but don’t mail them. Create a voicemail that stays on your phone. Come back here and write to me and let everything out.
I also suggest to add some extra fun into your life. Think about things that bring you comfort. Maybe volunteer at an animal shelter – maybe a sweet pup will find its way into your home! One thing I have done and works wonders…when I am having a hard time, I will go buy a dozen roses and go to the grocery store and hand them out to strangers. As I give a rose to whomever I am guided to give it to, I will offer a compliment or words of encouragement. Wow! Talk about a powerful exercise in shifting your energy! It’s incredible how much love comes back your way!!!
Also, maybe it’s time to make some new friends…friends that would not shut your feelings down. Friends that are much more conscious and aware and more deeply connective with you. What are your thoughts about that?
Keep talking! Looking forward to your next message!
Heidi
Oh my goodness! You melted my heart. It’s such an honor to have been a part of your process. It’s something so personal and uncharted territory is definitely scary. I am so happy that what I shared was really helpful for you! You just made me feel like everything I have been through to get where I am today, was totally worth it!
I’m glad you liked the tree the analogy! I learned of it many years ago and it’s just always stuck because it makes so much sense. I have loved a handful of times in my life and I will always cherish those branches that are silent. I love them in a different way than being “in love” like I used to. It really is fascinating how love can shift and change. Because I gotta tell ya, some heartbreaks I have been through, never felt like the love was ever dissipate…..but it has every time and what’s beautiful about it, is it just happens naturally…if you are just willing to go with the flow. If you do things to keep nourishing that branch, the love will stay alive….even if it’s a trickle….at least on your end. That’s always the hardest part about endings…letting go completely and allowing that branch to become whatever it needs to be all on its own, without any “food” to keep it alive. It’s the quickest and healthiest path to healing….although the hardest sometimes.
I make no qualms about being a more sensitive person, so I do not deal with heartache the same way they do. This seems like a good opportunity for me to strengthen my relationship with myself and not rely on where others believe I “should” be. I love this! You are strong enough to be exactly who you are, in the face of others who think you should be something different. That’s a growth spurt in and of itself! People LOVE LOVE LOVE to say “get over it” but what they are REALLY saying is “hurry up and stop hurting so I don’t have to see or feel your pain, because I CAN’T HANDLE IT.” People are sooooo so uncomfortable with other people’s pain, because they have no clue how to deal with their own. Most people just shove their feelings down, box it up and put layers and layers upon duct tape to keep it shut. Little do they know their buried pain still affects them….every single day. They just don’t know it. And this is a prime example…instead of having compassion for how you are feeling and instead of just holding space for you to feel how you need to feel right now, they try to box up your feelings too. It’s a pretty common reaction, because very few people know how to deal with their hurt. Honestly, it needs to be taught in our classrooms, cuz parents sure are not doing a good job of it! Anyways, the ones that are saying that to you, honor who they need to be and just remember that they are not good listeners. Find other places to vent or process….like here. Feel free to use our conversation like a journal. Let all your thoughts and feelings come out and be expressed. That is soooooo so important. Feelings need to MOVE. Meaning, they need to come OUT of you…whether journaling, or painting, or talking to someone, or using a recorder in your car and talking into it, or dancing your feelings, or meditating on them….give them life SOMEWHERE whenever they are grabbing your attention. Honor them by allowing them to be expressed in whatever way inspires you. If you do this, you will process MUCH faster. Don’t be one of those people who buries them and hides from them. You will pay a price for that!
I have a million more ideas for you, so let me know if you want more guidance. I’m here for you.
How about you write me back and tell me what you are going to miss most about him. Tell me why you loved him. Tell me what makes him so special for you. Tell me what being connected felt like to you.
Heidi
Hi Anna! It is so great to hear from you!!!
Thank you for the update and sharing everything that happened. What a great story! I love love love the flirty moment you described. Fantastic! Well done! And it sounds like it had the desired affect. I’m guessing he just needed a little encouragement from you to open up a little more on the romantic side.
And I understand your heartbreak that he is gone now. Of course you deeply miss him. And I’m sure he feels the same. The connection sounds like it was quite nourishing!
is it normal to feel all of these things? What is “normal” anyways??? You feel what you feel and that’s 100% okay, even if it doesn’t make sense. I cannot tell you how many times me or other people have had reactions and feelings that were soooooooo far out of left field and didn’t make any sense. What I have learned and what I implicitly trust…is that whatever someone is feeling, there are reasons for it…many times far beyond than what we can see or connect with sometimes. So instead of asking if it’s normal, you want to instead just embrace who you are. Saying it’s normal or not normal is not going to change how you feel. Embracing, accepting, and receiving what you feel and working with what you feel is the ONLY thing that matters. Your feelings deserve to be honored, loved, appreciated, and embraced. Your feelings are ALWAYS telling you a story about what is going on inside of you. So listen, explore, be curious, be open, and most of all…be accepting that this is who you are in the moment. That is how you heal. That is how you shift what you are feeling. That is how you “parent” yourself.
Imagine you are a mom and you pick up your little girl from kindergarten, only to find her in tears. She is hurting. What do you do as a mom?? You run up to her and hug her. You offer her comfort and then you ask her what is wrong. You ask her what happened. So she tells you that her best friend is leaving and moving somewhere else. Would you question if her tears were normal? Absolutely not! You would have instant compassion and provide her all the comfort in the world. That is what you need to do for yourself. Your heart is broken as you have had to say goodbye to someone you deeply value. Comfort yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be loving and nurturing towards yourself. I like to get a few bouquets of flowers and put them around my house. I might cook a super yummy meal. I might get a mani/pedi. I most definitely would snuggle my dog more :). I would go on long walks in nature. I would spend some extra time with friends. I would find ways to do things that make me laugh. As you are hurting and recovering from the loss, you have to find ways to put something back in as well.
it’s hard for me to comprehend that after experiencing this (I know I’m young, but it’s still hard). I know it’s hard. No matter your age, it’s hard. And that’s okay. It’s just a testament to how much you cared about him and it’s beautiful! I like to describe love like a tree. You are the tree trunk and your branches represent the different relationships you have had in your life. When a branch (a relationship) is active and bearing leaves and fruit, it’s a live and being nourished. When the relationship changes, for whatever reason, the branch will slowly die off and go silent. It will always be a part of your tree, but it’s just a part that no longer needs to function. Then you meet someone new and a new branch begins to grow and bear leaves and fruit. And the thing is, no 2 branches are ever the same. You are NOT going to feel the same with anyone else because this guy brought out a very unique part of you. You and him together created a connection that was unique to the 2 of you. Someday, there will be someone new who will inspire something from you again. He will give you butterflies. He will make you laugh. He will make you feel sexy and beautiful. He will see the best and worst of you and still want to be with you. But it will feel different – as it should be. So there is no comparison here. There are just different experiences. And I know you cannot even begin to imagine this right now and that’s okay! How could you??? The branch that is him is still alive. It’s take time to go silent. That will happen over time and it’s nothing you have to force or do anything about. You will just naturally find yourself feeling that branch less and less. And who knows! Maybe it will come back alive again. You just never know what will happen. Your job is to make sure that you are living your life to your fullest and not stopping it or limiting yourself. Trust that there is A LOT to experience on your path, so stay open.
Thoughts?
Heidi
what do you feel about this move of him after such a long time? Do you think he was testing the waters or just a proper act and that’s it? Like I said before, it’s impossible to truly know what he is thinking and feeling. My best guess is, it’s a mixture of both being polite as well as testing the waters with you to see where you were at. I want to encourage you to let go of playing the guessing game of how he is feeling. It’s very common for women to analyze every single little thing a guy does, in efforts to understand how and what he is feeling. I cannot even tell you HOW MUCH OF A WASTE OF TIME that truly is. You are trying to put together a puzzle without all the pieces. Bottom line is, it’s not YOUR JOB to guess and interpret how he feels. It’s HIS job to communicate what he wants and until that time, you actually know nothing more than what he has already told you directly.
I would like to travel in August for a month(but this I haven’t planned) because being alone bothers me a bit.
I have traveled alone but joined in on a group vacation. It was so fun! I met other people and had a really great time. Maybe something to consider. There are plenty of travel companies that put groups together to tour an area.If he decides to reconnect, I will definitely not speed things as you say but of course I will not do that for long and always have his pace not a mutual pace. He first needs to earn my trust again which is so hard to achieve, he needs to try a lot and earn his place back in my life. Also, he needs to show if he wants to be with me, I won’t accept surface level approach. Also, I thought to also show him at first maybe I am not going to take him back, he needs to wonder a bit. I cannot give it to him straight in this plate.
He needs a lot of work to be with me again. Also, he needs to say that he regret all of this and he is willing to give me what I deserve i.e commitment, consistency and all of that no more one and off and up and down emotionally. And the answer to your question, is no I won’t open instantly. I need to see all of the above. Let’s talk about this, because your actions are not aligning with your words.You are here wondering how he feels. You are analyzing every aspect of his behavior in efforts to see how he feels – all because you want him back. If you didn’t want him back, none of this would matter and you wouldn’t be here trying to understand what HE is feeling. But in the above statement, you are saying it’s hard to earn your trust, he has to work really hard to be in your life, and he has to show you he wants commitment with you combined with regretting his choice and he is not getting everything handed to him on a silver platter. These are 2 very different things happening here. On one hand he has to work very hard to get back in and then on the other hand, you are staying connected, approachable, meeting HIS needs by keeping things surface, you posted a picture of the candle, you were excited about him reaching out – HE IS ALREADY IN!!! YOU have chosen to stay connected by posting that picture. YOU had a conversation with him that clearly showed him there was an open door for him to come back into your life. I’m not seeing where he has to work for anything here.
It’s important to get more clear about this Nafsika, because otherwise you will confuse him. What EXACTLY does it mean that he has to work for it? What does that look like in action? What EXACTLY do you need him to do to earn your trust back?
Let’s also look at the reality here. He is avoidant and that is not going to change. What you are wanting from him is not realistic for who he is. He will run when things get hard. He will not want to talk about anything and he will ALWAYS struggle to connect more deeply and be vulnerable. Yet you want his commitment, you want his regret, you won’t accept a surface level approach (which is who he is), you want consistency and no more up and down (avoidants cannot offer that). These things you are wanting from him are things he is not able to offer you, because he has a lot of fear and a lot of baggage that he is not willing to face within himself. Basically, you are saying he would need to make some MASSIVE changes if he were to ever be allowed back into your life. And these are changes, while healthy and would improve the relationship, are changes that are incredibly difficult to make and would require A LOT of internal work for him.
He is NOT emotionally available for you and never has been. So if you want him back, YOU have to accept who he is. YOU have to accept that he comes with a lot of baggage and he will avoid challenges, he will avoid communicating, he will avoid deep intimacy, and he will avoid getting close. He can only do so much Nafsika.
I think that what you are wanting from him is beyond what he can offer and this is not fair to him. So you have 2 choices. 1. accept him for who he is and let him back in. He deserves to be loved and embraced for who he is and NOT for who you need him to be. What you want from him is not something he can offer you. 2. Accept him for who he is and let him go. Acceptance means that you don’t need him to change and you understand you want something more than what he can offer….and it’s best to let him go so he doesn’t hurt you anymore and you don’t hurt him. Acceptance means you embrace that you and him are not a match anymore. And this means you let him go entirely. No more indirectly connecting. He is not invited to come see your shop. There is no more contact. You cannot heal from this loss as long as there is any contact.
With either choice, YOUR job is truly see him for who he is and not require him to become someone that he isn’t ready to be…and he may never be ready for that. What you are asking for are NOT some simple behavioral changes. These are DEEP changes that would require him to face his fears, face his low self-esteem, confront his pain and hurt, and learn a completely new way to live his life and how to function in a relationship in more healthy way.
The best analogy I can use to explain this is: Imagine there is a snake pit along your walking path. You see the snake pit, you jump in and you get bit all over. So much pain and hurt! The snake pit represents your relationship with him. The snakes are his toxic behaviors and choices that sabotage connection with you. Your list of requirements above means you want to be able to jump into that snake pit and NOT have those snakes bite you! That is asking those snakes to NOT be what they are. You threaten them by jumping into their pit and they CANNOT HELP but bite you. It is a protective mechanism and they have every right to protect themselves. So you want THEM to change????
So again – choice 1: keep jumping in the snake pit and know you will get bit and know it’s going hurt.
Choice 2: you don’t jump in the snake pit and let them be who they want to be and don’t disturb them. Let them be peaceful.I know these 2 choices are NOT what you want. I know you want him to fight for you. I know you want him to change. I know you want to have a much more healthy connection. What you want is beautiful and nourishing and deep and loving. The problem here is, you want it with someone who is not ready to be any of those things. He has a lot of fear and baggage that will ALWAYS sabotage intimacy and he cannot help it. The only way for that to change is for him to get some help from some type of expert who would be able to help guide him through his fears.
What are your thoughts on all of this?
Heidi
Hi Nafsika! Great to hear from you. Thank you for the update!
You both have been through so much! That was very thoughtful of you to post a candle for his father.
I have no idea what his mindset is, but I imagine that as he climbs out of the shock and sadness and dealing with all that comes with loss, he will become more available to connect.
It was a great conversation. You did well! You didn’t push, you kept things more on the surface, you were responsive to him. This probably helped him feel a bit more comfortable to connect with you. If he does decide he wants to connect more with you, what I mostly suggest is to just let him decide the speed of everything…how often he wants to connect, how often he wants to see you, and what he wants to talk about. The more you keep creating a safe place for him to connect with, the more he should feel comfortable moving forward with you. I have no idea if he would ever want to get back together though. That obviously is only something he would be able to answer. But considering this most recent text conversation, he is ready to open the door at least a little bit.
So my question to you is this…what do you NEED from him in order to move forward? Let’s say he does want to get back together. Are you open to that instantly, or do you feel you need something from him before jumping back in?
That’s an interesting feeling you have about wanting to go somewhere new. It makes sense that being on an island creates limitation. It sounds like your soul is needing variety….to feel new ways, to smell new things, to see things you haven’t seen before. Is it possible to maybe go on a vacation to see if that helps?
Heidi
Hey there! I thought I’d check in and see how things are going. How are you doing? What are you feeling? Any new developments? Any questions? I’d love an update.
Heidi
Hey Lori!
I thought I’d check in. How is everything progressing? Are you happy with this relationship? Are you both still doing a lot of talking and figuring things out? What’s the update? I’d love to hear.
Heidi
Hi Jessica! There is no message here, so I’m not sure how to help guide you. What are you feeling overwhelmed about?
Heidi
