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OOOOHHHH MYYYYYY GOOOOSSSSHHHH!!!! You did it Anna! You did it!!!! I am sooooo so proud of you!!!
Here’s the thing….what you did, was face your fear. A fear SO big, that you were shaking. Do you know how amazing that is??? Who do you know has enough courage to do something like that???? That’s HUGE!!!! You did not let that massive fear control you. You jumped off the cliff, and THAT is all that matters. I don’t know what the end result will be, but who cares! YOU DID IT!!!! You now know that you can step through that fear and find out “I’m okay.” You didn’t die. He may not respond the way you want, but even if that happens, you will be okay again! and again! and again! This is always what I am trying to teach people….this is how you build self trust and self love. You face your fears and find out that you are okay! And next time, when this level of fear shows up again, you may run away for a bit, but you will KNOW that if you step into it, you will be okay no matter what happens. And then you’ll do it again! And THAT my friend, is one of the most powerful life changing skills you can develop and is 100% needed for any successful relationship….because in relationships, those fears show up ALL THE TIME and if you can’t face them, then the relationship will always be limited and eventually fail.
I am sooooo so proud of you. We ALL have fears that are that big, so celebrate that you did it! I can’t wait to hear how everything goes.
And lastly, good job for coming here and letting it all out!!! It allows me to celebrate WITH you! I’m seriously doing a happy dance over here – bootay shake and all!!! 🙂
Heidi
Oh!!! This is exciting! So you set up a phone date, did you then text him your thoughts about visiting him? Or are you going to wait until you talk in person? And yes, you are putting limits on yourself as a safety mechanism. Well done for understanding that about yourself! We all do the same thing in various ways. It’s so tough to put all your cards on the table. It’s risky!!! And that means pain may follow and who wants to get hurt??? So I’m proud of you for being willing to jump off the cliff….in HUGE ways! With your guy, with school, with shifting more into acceptance of how your family operates. BIG BIG BIG changes!!!! you are so incredibly courageous and I am so proud of you! You will reap many many great rewards because of it….and in ways you can’t even imagine. But your choices now have set you on path with endless rewards.
I cannot wait to hear from you on Friday!!!! But feel free to come here and just talk it all out if you need….your fears, your anxiety, any stress….or feel free to tell me more about him and about what you would like to do when you visit! I’m here for you!
Heidi
My mom keeps asking what’s wrong and I keep dodging it LOL Instead of dodging it, you can always just say “I know you are sensing something is a bit off for me and you keep asking. I’m just working through the feelings I have about school starting and planning my trip and the big change that I am stepping into. I’m working through it, so know that I am all good.” Or you could simply say “I love that you are asking and I love your mother’s intuition. Yes, I’m a bit off, but I’m all good. I really don’t want to talk about it at this point, but you can trust that I’m okay! Just some growing pains – part of life and I have the support I need.”
Hopefully I’ll eventually grow stronger in my self-love and acceptance enough to be able to shrug off their opinions. It takes A LOT of practice for this one, so what I encourage most is for you to be compassionate and patient with yourself. Accept exactly where you are at, accept your sensitivities, accept your limitations and THAT will make you so much stronger!
It’s okay that you are wordy! I am too! You can text him now or way until he responds. It’s up to you. How about adding in a little flirting instead of putting him the “pal” category. You want him to know he is more than a “pal” to you, right? And plus, you don’t want to limit yourself to just 1 full day of seeing him. Let him offer what works for him and then you can plan from there. You could simply say, “Hey! So I’ve decided to plan a trip to the west coast to see my friends before I start school. I would love to also stop by and see you too. I’ve missed you and I’d love to see you in person again. I’m planning to head out there the first or second week of December. If you are open to it, we can talk about the details when we have our phone chat.”
How does that feel for you?
Heidi
Oh goodness. Don’t feel terrible. You were just trying to get your needs met. We ALL do it! I’ve done it a gazillion times – especially in dating. I would try and change the guy in some way or another, trying to help him fit with me so we could stay together. Like you, it comes from a caring place of wanting to make things work better for all involved, but in the end, it only harms everyone, because at the core…it’s not acceptance. And that’s a tough one! Especially when it comes to family. At least with a guy, you can end the relationship and move on, but family is forever. These are people you will be dealing with for the rest of your life. You will keep getting triggered until you master the ability to not take their hurtful behaviors and words personally. That’s the journey, right? Imagine how powerful you will feel to be around them and hear their judgements and criticisms about your choices and you just brush it off as if it were nothing. Wow! Now THAT is true, incredibly strong self love and pure acceptance for who they are. It’s possible!
Sharing vulnerable things with them carries the risk of them trying to “fix” me and my “wrong” way of seeing things – I guess that’s just the way it is, although it’s so sad. Yes, it’s just the way it is. It IS sad that you don’t get to be your full 100% self with them, because they are not safe. But eventually, the sadness can shift into understanding and acceptance and your need for that deep connection will be sourced by other people. When you land at the place of pure acceptance, there is no sadness, because there is no loss – because you are in acceptance. But for now, you have the grieve the loss, because you kept trying to make your relationship with them more than what was possible. So you have to let go of that dream and fantasy and that IS sad.
But I’m also learning that they can be very hurtful, too, and I need boundaries to protect myself. Maybe I don’t share the super vulnerable stuff (like trying to see my guy) with them, like you did with your father. I’m not sure how well that will work; I may need to shift my strategy after a little while too, but I guess I could start there, put up a few boundaries, and still share other areas of my life and be authentic when it is safe. It’s a creative journey. What will work in one moment, will not work in another moment. This is where you get to be creative and most of all, learn to trust your intuition. There are times I am grounded and centered and I can share things and handle the judgment. There are times I am too raw and sensitive, so I limit what I share, because I know I am extra vulnerable. So just stay present with yourself most of all – each day – each situation. Trust that no matter what happens, you will learn and grow and that’s all that really matters. You are going to get hurt again…that is inevitable. But you are strong enough to handle. Each conflict is an opportunity for you to use your voice, set more boundaries, or teach them what you need. You get to choose! And you WILL mess up. I still mess up and make decisions that are for sure a face palm decision. But even in those moments, there is growth, so there is never any wasted opportunity.
I have to ask: What did your therapist mean by “you failed”? As in you failed to change your father I assume? Yes! You are spot on. I failed to have the relationship with my father that I deeply craved. That’s what adults do…we try to get out needs met with our parents/family wherever there are holes. It’s a fruitless effort. So instead, accepting that I failed and will never have a safe relationship with my father, means I am in acceptance and no longer need to put any effort into getting my needs met, because it will just never happen. Acceptance = FREEDOM!!!!
As far as your guy, do you think it might be a good a good idea to let him know you are wanting to talk about coming for visit? My impression is that he might get a bit flustered, so you might help set him up for success if you message him and let him know that you also want to talk about setting up a time for a possible visit. That way he can spend some time with this idea and prepare what he is going to say to you. Just a thought. You know better, of course. Do you what you feel comfortable with!
I can’t wait to hear an update!!!!
alright!!! any update??? Did you do it??? Did you jump off the cliff and ask him for a visit??? I can’t wait to hear back from you!
It’s funny, I feel like everyone says “just be yourself” (and I think it really is that simple!), but it seems like it’s advice that is so rarely followed. You would think it would be so simple, but you are right…so few people actually behave that way? Why? because it’s safer. People hate conflict, people hate awkward moments, people hate pain – of any kind and do everything they can to avoid it…therefore their true opinions, thoughts, and feelings shift in order to fit in, to feel like they belong, to feel safe, to feel accepted. Now…there are plenty of people who do not operate this way too and people who speak their minds and do not filter, they just don’t care what other people think of them. Sometimes, they get a rush and power fix off of causing a little drama and upset in others. Personally, I think a little of both is the sweet spot. I think it’s important to care about how and what you say to others – out of respect and care for how you impact them AND also out of care and respect for yourself and how others might react. But that doesn’t mean you stay silent. It just means using discernment. I have a tendency to be extremely discerning and not so vocal – mostly with women. When I am around men, I speak my truth 99% of the time. I feel much safer with men than women due to my past experiences. Either way, being authentic is hugely important AND there is a time and place to just go with the flow and NOT speak your truth. You get to decide what’s appropriate for you and the situation at hand. BUT…for the people that are in your inner circle – those are the ones where you get to be 100% yourself. They are safe, they are supportive, you feel seen and valued by them – just as you are – and there is a trust that has been established. They will get to see the truest version of you. People outside of that inner, inner circle will get see your authentic self, but also, there are parts you will not share with them because they are not safe to share with. Does this make sense?? Either way, being authentic takes strength and self-esteem and is always a risk.
They obviously have to make the choice to heal themselves, but I wish I could help. You have such a beautiful heart! And while it is so beautiful and caring, in this particular situation, it’s not healthy. Part of what is causing your pain and the feelings of powerlessness is this very desire. You so deeply want to help them, but that’s a mindset that will constantly leave you feeling disappointed and powerless….because whatever you do to try and help – conversations, teaching them, creating safe words etc – it never changes anything. They are still forcing their opinions on you, you still don’t feel known or seen by them, they are still hurting you, they are still ignorant – hence feeling powerless. So…what if you just let that desire go? What if….you stopped wanting to help them and just accepted that they are who they are and there is nothing more for you to do except to just love and accept them exactly as they are. You know what it feels like to NOT feel accepted by them…well you are doing the same thing to them…you are not accepting them for who they are either….it’s just 2 different sides of the same coin, right? So what if you hopped off that band wagon and just let the idea of helping them feel better, helping them move through life easier, helping them know you better, or helping them with anything?
I was in my 20s when my therapist at the time really hit me hard. She said, “You failed Heidi. You completely failed and that is never going to change. Your father is never going to love you the way you want. You failed. It’s time to just accept that so you can move on.” And she gave me this analogy of a big can…she said “The can represents your father. You keep putting energy into that can thinking that somehow it’s going to fill up, but it never fills up does it? You have failed and you will never fill that up. So take the lid and put it on top of that can and close it off. Close off your hopes that anything will be different. Close off the idea that anything will change. Stop trying to make him something he is not and stop being something you are not so you can get love from him. You have failed and that’s it. End of story.” It was sooooo tough to hear, but as she helped me work with that visualization, what I felt at the end of the session was….freedom. I no longer need to keep investing, thinking, researching, learning. I just needed to let him be what he wanted to me and then from that space, manage myself. I felt this freedom to just let go and I had all this energy that normally would go into him, but was now free to go somewhere else…like back to me. And my mindset just shifted and I started relating to him differently. I started talking to him differently, I started holding more boundaries and I started being more myself…to an extent. He was not safe for me to be my full self, but I just accepted the parameters that he could function in. Eventually, we drifted apart and our relationship ended a few decades ago, but by that time, I was really okay with it. Why? Because I just accepted what is, instead of always trying to change it.
So the powerless you feel is not because of them…it’s because of you wanting them to be different and everything you are doing is not working. You are still getting hurt, you are still feelings not seen, you are still feeling unsupported. Why? Because you keep wanting those things from people who are not able to give it to you. So if you want to stop feeling powerless, then stop wishing for them to be different and accept that your relationship with them is always going to be limited and small and not near as loving and expansive as you are capable of. They cannot and never will match your ability to connect and love. If you can accept that, then you are not powerless are you? Because you are just in pure acceptance, yes? Does this make sense?
Now I don’t want to say that this mindset means you won’t get hurt. That simply is not true. With my father, I found this zone of management that brought me the least amount of pain. We would go to dinner and I always talked about money or career stuff. He was a narcissist, so I made sure to always ask him for some type of advice. I planned what I would ask him about before meeting up for dinner. Then after dinner, we would go to a movie and then we have fun on the ride home talking about the movie. And while it was sad for me to have to manage my relationship with him in that way, and I hated not being able to be my 100% authentic self, but it kept me safe from his criticism and judgement…it was who my father was. And….while that system worked for months, it would occasionally break down and we would end up in a giant fight and my heart would break all over again. My point being, no matter how much you manage what you say and do around your family, you are still going to hurt sometimes and that’s okay. You are human and so are they and that means MESSY!!! But what you can do is reduce the amount of times you get hurt. You can work with that part of you seeking their approval and support for your decisions by just living your life and doing what you want WITHOUT telling them. And if you do decide to tell them, expect judgement, criticism, feeling misunderstood etc. And when that energy enters the situation, you have to find a way to NOT lose yourself within that energy. That energy ends up taking you on a roller coaster ride of fear and hurt…but what if you could just let that energy pass you by? You don’t have to hop on the ride ya know. Imagine all that judgement just swishing right past your body and disappearing into the abyss instead of latching onto you. I know it’s easier said than done, but that is how you stay in your power in the midst of people not supporting or understanding or loving you the way you need.
Does all of this make sense?
Your brother is lucky to have you. Thank goodness he at least apologizes after the fact. Is there a keyword or phrase you can use with him in particular to let him know he is crossing the line and hurting you? Maybe come up with a silly word that could shift the energy of his criticism? Something like supercalifragilisticexpialidocious? Haha…have no idea if I spelled that right (from Mary Poppins – do you remember that song?). Hopefully you have seen that movie, otherwise this will make no sense at all. LOL
As far as your trip, can you explain a little more about your mom’s explanation for her upset? It makes zero sense to me. Is it a gender role kind of thing? Is that what she was saying? Either way, it sounds like fear to me. It sounds like she thinks she understands and knows you better than you know yourself and she believes she is rescuing or saving you from getting hurt or being taken advantage of – or something of that nature. She obviously believes she knows better and she gets to believe that. The truth is, even if she is right, one of the jobs of a mother is to let her children live out their choices and experience the result of those choices. So it’s not really about her being right or wrong – it’s about her perception of you and what she believes you can handle – and even deeper than that, what SHE can handle. The only way she can feel comfortable with you being in pain, is if she were comfortable with her own pain. Does that make sense? So maybe next time your response can be, maybe you are right mom. Maybe it will turn out to be a mistake. Maybe it won’t. Either way, I am strong enough and I am resourced that no matter what happens, I will be okay. If he breaks my heart, so be it. If he doesn’t, then I get to make new memories with someone who is important to me. I’m willing to take the risk because I believe in myself and I trust in myself that I can handle whatever happens. And it’s okay that you don’t support my choice. I’m strong enough to handle that too.
As far as asking your guy, I just want to invite you back into your heart. There is no right or wrong here. You’ve tried subtlety with him and he just doesn’t seem to get it. So asking him straight up seems like the best choice here, so you can start to plan your trip. You and him have a very unique relationship and you understand how he functions in a way that your family doesn’t seem to get. That’s okay! You don’t need their approval. You get to create your own life here.
So I’m curious…you said you felt powerless. Can you explain that a little further? Where are you powerless here? You want to plan a trip, so plan it. Your family may not support you, but it doesn’t limit your ability to plan a trip, does it? Or maybe you feel powerless that you cannot make your family happy. Can you explain more?
I get that you do not want to impose on him. But here is the thing Anna…he has to be strong enough to reject you, if any type of relationship is going to work with him. He has to be strong enough to say no, to say things that might hurt your feelings – and to just be human. That’s what a real relationship is about – honestly and authenticity. Would you consider him a true friend if he wasn’t able to be completely honest with you about what he wants or how he feels?
You are so focused on making HIM comfortable for fear that you might impose on him – so instead, I want to invite you to switch your thinking around. BE YOURSELF! Just be who you are, and then he gets to react however he reacts. He may be authentic or he may not be authentic – but that is about HIS journey and his relationship with himself. Whoever he chooses to be, it’s NOT about you. I just ask for what I want and many times I get it – even if I know the other person doesn’t want to give it to me. I am giving them an opportunity to be honest and if they aren’t, then that is on THEM, not me. Because if they did say no, I’d be fine with it. I even say that to them. So I’m just going to be me and they get to be them. A true relationship is about being able to be 100% yourself with each other – so just be you and let him respond however he does. It’s not your job to take care of him and his emotions. Do you really think he is THAT fragile? Maybe instead see him as strong and capable and treat him as such.
When you have this kind of mindset, THEN you can make a more clear decision about what you want to do without fear getting in the way. Does this make sense?
Heidi
I have not seen that show, but I definitely will check it out and let you know how it lands on me. I love love love how your mom was able to learn so much about how you function and that she was really able to connect the dots through that show. Shows like that, and podcasts like the telepathy tapes, open up our minds. I know through that podcast, I had so much more of a deep appreciation for the autistic world and their families and supporters. It’s not something I am exposed to, so to get a window into their lives was quite humbling as well as seeing their value. Love on the spectrum will do that for me too, since I am sooooo engaged with the dating world.
With your brother, how do you typically handle him when he accuses you of being “too” sensitive? He is not just being a boy. I know plenty of men who know better. This is part of the role modeling he received combined with being INCREDIBLY fragile. Have you ever heard of projecting?? Where someone “projects” who their own feelings onto someone else? Basically, he is roasting you about being too sensitive, because he himself is sensitive – and he obviously is not in relationship with that part of himself….he instead rejects that part of himself, which is why he criticizes you so much about it. It’s harder for a man to be sensitive for sure, so maybe you can start role modeling what acceptance looks like. Maybe next time he roasts you about it, you show him what it looks like to be in acceptance of that part of yourself. So your response could look something like “Ya…I am sensitive. I’m really starting to like that part of myself.” and say it with a smile and say it like you feel it and mean it. First, it is no fun to criticize someone who you can’t get a reaction from (people who criticize are typically looking for a power fix, because they are feeling a power drop). So when you embrace and won what he is saying, he gets no power from you. Also, you will be planting a seed for him. The more you embrace and own your sensitivities, you are role modeling for him what self love looks like and there will be a part of him that will be watching that. He may never be able to reach the place of full acceptance, but at the very least, you are showing him what self love looks like. Either way, I’d bet a million dollars that with an enough repetitions of you responding in that way, he will eventually stop.
OMG it’s so funny how your guy responds! hahaha! I say, go for the subtle approach first, just to help him practice expanding his mind into more dynamic, abstract thinking. He sounds soooooo literal, so when you introduce nuanced conversation to him, it’s good for his brain! And then you can have that internal giggle for that face palm moment (which sounds kind of endearing honestly) and then be blunt. And going to see your friends sounds fantastic. Do it! Do it! Do it! Make it happen! You need a good dose of some fun and connection with your peeps before heading into school!
Heidi
Hi Reese, Do you have a question? There is no post here from you explaining your situation, so I thought maybe you were a bot. We’ve had that happen a few times. My apologies if you are a real person! Let me know what’s going on!
Heidi
Have you ever heard of the telepathy tapes? It’s a podcast about autistic non-speakers. Fantastic stories! And what fascinated me more than anything, is this podcast apparently climbed to the #1 spot in 3 months!!! That just tells me that people are interested and want to learn. People are open minded and ready to expand by learning about telepathy. Thank goodness! It’s time to expand.
I’m sharing about this podcast, because maybe it can help give you hope, help you feel validated, and help you ideas. You are a force to be reckoned with, and the more information and knowledge you have, the more empowered you will be to affect change! No one in a million years thought to study telepathy, let alone believe something like that is possible….and now…here we are in 2025 and it’s being exposed to people around the world and science is backing it up for the first time ever. Anything is possible!!! Check it out!I have said that to my friend many times about how brave she is to travel alone. Honestly, no matter where you are, there are dangers. So if you want to travel, it doesn’t take much to figure out ways to protect yourself. I love that being a speaker at these events has exposed you to other places…that really is a great way to travel too!!!
I love how you really shifted your very false belief that your feelings made you weak. I used to believe that too. Growing up with 2 brothers and 4 boys down the street, I was ALWAYS surrounded by guys…and there was no room for feelings. Anyways, I learned later on that having the feelings took sooooooo much more strength than burying them. LOL. Go figure.
As far as visiting your guy, why not go now before your school starts?? If it’s just for a weekend, that should be easy to plan. So…it kind of depends on you with how you want to approach this. You know that he isn’t really the type of guy that initiates…at least not at this point. So you can start by sending out the signals and see if he catches on and asks for you to come visit. Or….you can just be straight up and say it – which I know is scary.
Ways you can throw hints around are things like this: if you are talking, then you can ask something like, “So, what’s your favorite thing to do? Tell me about it? and the you respond by saying Oh! that sounds like so much fun and something I would love to try too!” or you could ask “Okay…so if I were visiting, where would you take me? What kinds of things would we do? What would you want me to know or see or experience about where you live?” The point is, you are planting the picture in his mind of you visiting and you are responding with enthusiasm, which would let him know – in an indirect way – that you would enjoy seeing him. You can also say something like “You know, I miss seeing your smile in person. You really had the best smile ever!” or “I miss you. It was always the favorite part of my day to see you at work. It’s just not the same without you.” So letting him know that you miss him, could possibly inspire him to ask you to come visit. ‘
Or…again, you could just simple say “I was thinking….in a few weeks I will have a little extra time before I start school. I really would love to get out of here for a few days and come see you. Would that be possible??”
What do you think?
Heidi
Oh WOW! I truly am so honored that I got to be a super impactful part of this season of your life. I deeply, deeply understand heartbreak and pain, yet they have been the greatest teachers for me. I would not be as strong or resilient as I am today with those teachers. The greatest gift though, is being able to pass on what I have learned and having it land on someone who is also learning and growing. For sooooo many years, I have shared how to navigate pain in healthy ways, and honestly, I could probably count on 1 hand how many people have actually used any of it. People really love to suffer – and I get that too. You, on the other hand, did something about it. Wow! I am truly proud of you – and most of all – you will reap some of the greatest rewards that life can offer you by taking action. You could have EASILY been swallowed up by that depression and by your tears. Although there were moments that you didn’t know how you would get through, you kept showing up here and talking with me. You talked your feelings into the recorder and kept giving your feelings movement, voice, and respect by saying them out loud. And now look where you are!!!! Wow!!! You got through the worst of it. And even though there are still some parts to work through, you are back on your feet and now get your Master’s degree! Holy smokes! Do you have any idea how powerful you are! You are made for GREAT things Anna! Your fighting spirit is a rare one and I am truly grateful to have crossed your path!
And your travels sounded amazing. There is nothing like a completely different culture to impact your soul – travel is special in that way. One of my closest friends is a super traveler. She has been all over the world – and she travels alone too. She loves it so much! And there is a special quality about her, because of her world travels. I haven’t been very many places, but as I start to step into becoming a professional speaker, I will get travel much more! I love that you got to have those experiences – and your family is lucky to have you helping them out! LOL
So what did you speak about?
Heidi
P.s. Every time you talk about your guy, it just makes me smile. He delights you. He opens you up. You feel valued and appreciated and most of all seen. Have you talked at all about planning a visit?
Oh Anna! I am so so happy to hear from you. Usually people on here just disappear and I never hear from them again and have no idea how things turned out. I’m so happy for your update!!!
Wow! Your Masters Degree!! woooohoooo! I am so excited for you! It sounds like this is the perfect adventure to begin. You will meet so many new people and you will be challenged in brand new ways…and that is so good for your soul. I’m soooooo so proud of you that you didn’t give up on yourself. Remember this moment. No matter how depressed you felt, you still fought for yourself and kept moving and look what you have created for yourself now. You are strong, you are resilient, you are a warrior, you are empowered….even WITH feeling depressed. That’s how strong you are Anna!
I love that you got to talk to him and feel his excitement about connecting with you. That’s very special. I’m sure he loved the card you sent him from Spain! You had quite the adventure and he got to feel a little part of that. It sounds like you are coming more into a space of acceptance and are able to go with the flow more. There will be more bumps in the road, but like you are learning about yourself, you have a fighting spirit that will work through whatever shows up. I know he is a big part of helping you feel supported and I love that you get to have that with him. I hope this continues to grow as it sounds like you both truly get each other in a very special way.
And wowowow! That is quite a trip you took. Did you love it? What did you learn about yourself? Would you go back to any of those places? how was it traveling with your family??
I want to encourage you again to connect with my coach. Especially as you are heading into a new program, having the support and encouragement and accountability with someone you feel safe with and feel seen and heard, is important. She really might be a good fit for you.
Anyways, looking forward to hear back from you!!!
Heidi
Hi Anna,
Not sure if you are still a member, but I thought I would check in and see how you are doing. Anything new? Are you still connecting with him? I’d love to hear an update.
Heidi
Hey there! I’m so sorry you had to deal with that level of fear about getting your wisdom out and the anesthesia! that really is awful! There is a reason behind all of it and you just haven’t connected to it. Talk therapy won’t get you there. You need to work with someone who knows how to access more of your subconscious. That’s how my coach helped me clear my fear about it and whew!!! What a relief!!!
Let’s talk about depression!!! No, I have never dealt with depression to the extent that I needed meds, but I do know a lot about it. I definitely have had depressed seasons, but I have always been very good about making sure I was always adding something back in. One thing that helped me a TON was playing soccer. No matter how depressed I was, I HAD to show up to practice or I would get kicked off the team. So the exercise helped me quite a bit. I will say that it sounds like you are dealing with some level of depression, but not the extent that you are completely dysfunctional. True, clinically diagnosed depression, usually means a person is depressed for sooooo long that the chemistry in their brain changes – and it’s at that point that meds need to help the person out. Although, most doctors will prescribe meds waaaaaay too soon. I’m not sure your doc is the best person to ask. Is your therapist not helping you through this?
Here are some suggestions….you need to meet yourself where you are at. If paddle boarding is asking too much of yourself, what if you just went and sat by the water for an hour. Smell the smells, listen to the birds and water, maybe take a journal, or a cup of tea and some snacks and just sit there. Just be whoever you want to be. Put your feet in the water and imagine all your sadness and struggle leave your body through your feet and ask the water to carry it away for you.
Surround yourself with beauty: I always have flowers around, my house is always clean, I have jewelry that specifically reminds me to keep fighting for more in my life (gifts from my mom), I drive to this perfect spot to watch the sunset over the mountains (I’m in Colorado), I sometimes will just turn on nature images or sounds (on Prime) and let myself sink into the beauty. I also do a TON of nature bathing….meaning I go on walks and smell and touch the earth, trees, water, flowers etc. Grounding is good too! It’s a concept where you get your body onto the earth and you allow the magnetic field of the earth combine your magnetic field. The rubber on our shoes inhibit that connection, so that’s why I always love to touch trees and when I can, I will walk barefoot. if you google “grounding” there are a TON of products (including shoes) that can help you ground….sheets, socks, shoes, bracelets, sleeping pads etc. that all bring that grounding into your body. I go get manis and pedis every once in a while and I always choose a color that has sparkles in it. I typically don’t wear makeup and I am in gym clothes every day, all day (I’m a trainer at a gym as well – and do dog sitting too so I don’t have much chance to dress up). So I will sometimes just do my hair and makeup and that will lift my spirits. You just gotta be creative and experiment and find out what works for you. Along with that, it’s also important that you keep working with those feelings. You can add all the good stuff you want into your soul bank, but it will not change how many withdrawals are being made. So the real work is in feeling what you gotta feel and working with them.
Also, listen to music or watch movies that inspire you. Yes, you are sad and that’s very normal. However, you are MORE THAN your sadness and your struggles. You are MORE THAN any chemical dysfunction happening in your body. Movies and music that are inspiring can remind you of that. I have a playlist I call “feel good” and it’s all my songs that remind me of my strength too. I have movies I watch too where the main character struggles and triumphs. The whole idea is to get some outside voices to counteract your inside voice that can cause you to sink. Podcasts are great too! I listened to this fantastic podcast over the weekend. You should take a listen as it’s perfect for the place you are in right now. And the host also has some pretty amazing guests and is really good at interviewing, so you check out his entire podcast.
Also, have you ever heard of the telepathy tapes. Crazy that it hit #1 after just 3 months…I guess people really want to hear about this stuff. It’s about autistic, non speakers and the discovery that they are actually telepathic. The stories are wonderful and inspiring!!!
No matter what Anna, IT’S OKAY that you are feeling depressed. That is very normal when dealing with a loss. You have full permission to be depressed. The only thing to do with your depression is to feel it, work with it, get to know it, and express it in safe ways and around safe people if there are any. What you don’t want to do is ignore it and allow it to drag you further into the rabbit hole where it’s harder to get out of. So that’s where you can ask for help. Maybe set up dates with your family or friends to go for a walk or to even go paddle boarding. Maybe you start to volunteer where you are REQUIRED to show up somewhere like a shelter where they need someone to walk their dogs. Having my own dog for the past 20 years definitely helped because I HAD to go for walks, I HAD to get up and move to make sure their needs were met. I had no choice. So maybe you can find ways to put yourself in a position to move, to be active, to do something good for yourself, even though you won’t feel like it many times…but it’s a great way to have accountability.
And it certainly is NOTHING to be embarrassed about. Anti depressants and anti anxiety meds are the #1 prescribed meds in the U.S., so you are far from alone with feeling depressed. There is something called dysthymia where it’s a low grade, long term type of depression. It’s not bad enough for meds, but also like walking around with a dark cloud over your head all the time. That is sooooo tough!!!
It sounds like there are some other factors you mentioned as well with your body chemistry. Do you have someone helping you with that?
Is any of this helpful??
Heidi
Oh! I also forgot to share this with you:
EE System: I don’t know if there is one in your area, but I LOVE this modality. It is so relaxing and incredibly healing. I have researched this quite a bit and it appears to have some pretty powerful healing capabilities. The stories I have hear seem like miracles. My dog caught a doggie flu that was going around and the average healing time was 6 weeks. So I decided to try the EE System with him and just see what happened. We did 10 hours total over a few weeks and he healed up 100% – no meds. What I love about this modality, is it sending healing waves to your body and your body will decide what it’s ready to heal and when. Your body is soooooo darn intelligent and knows exactly what it’s ready for and in what order and when. So this modality basically provides healing waves to support your body to do what it needs to do. Maybe it can help you with your fainting condition and even your speech impediment. Who knows! Just something for you to explore.
