[Heidi G]

And though I am so proud of myself, right now it’s hard. Shani! Wowow! You are doing what such a small percentage of people are able to do on their own. Look at the amount of strength you have! I’m seriously impressed. So what that it’s hard. There will always be tough seasons in life. DO NOT let the hard times steal the amazingness you HAVE accomplished!

I feel like there is something about me as a person that seems to bring out shit behaviour in men – for example my friends adore Rav and have vouched for what a great guy he is. So did I someone make even a good guy cheat, and even a good guy use a woman? Since when are friends and romance on the same level? Shani, really hear me on this….I’ve studied romantic love for over 30 years. Why? Because there is NOTHING like romance that will shine a light on the worst parts of every single one of us. Our fears, our insecurities, our limitations, our messiness….in my younger years, I actually used dating as a litmus test to see how much I had grown and where I was still stuck and ineffective. Romantic love hits a part of our hearts that nothing else can and therefore, its TERRIFYING to fall in love….the risk is massive – and it’s even more scary when paired with negative past experiences…which is what most people have. So don’t even think about blaming your yourself for this “mess up.” You have NO information about what really happened, so be compassionate with yourself. You have got to stop your brain from trying to figure out what happened and start 100% focusing on healing – otherwise, you will just stay in suffering. Suffering is caused from a resistance to what is happening. Suffering only happens when we are not in acceptance of the situation. Once you get into acceptance, the pain is still there, but the suffering from it is gone…and THAT feels so much better and more doable.

The how and what DO NOT matter. What matters is that it didn’t work out and the reasons are beyond your understanding. He is clear about his choice and your job is to accept that. And love yourself with ALL your messiness.

Your system is in so much pain and Rav, because he hurt you, is the one person your system believes could get you out of pain. You are using him. You want HIM to do the work for you. – ouch. Ha! I get it! I felt the same exact way when my therapist at the time kept pounding me with this concept. It’s painful for sure BUT…it’s where you will find freedom from the pain. I learned this when dealing with my father. He was an incredibly toxic, dangerous, and abusive man – so there was zero possibility of confronting him, getting any care from him, or the ability to ask him questions like “why?????” So I was faced with figuring out how to heal WITHOUT his help. And working with the question “What is it that I want from him, that I am not giving to myself?” is what brought me this freedom. It empowered me. And I gotta say Shani, because I was forced to heal in this way, it set me up for MAJOR success for the rest of my life. Because even in healthy relationships, there is abandonment, struggle, rejection, hurt and the ENTIRE spectrum of emotions….and that means that I now have the skillset and mindset to allow for all of those darker energies to exist and then know how to work through them, without NEEDING help from the other person. I KNOW how to find my wellbeing when the other person is not able to be there for me. And this allows for freedom within a relationship. Toxic relationships are full of controlling behaviors – like “You need to be this or that so I can feel okay.” And this is what you are doing with Rav….wanting to control his behavior. Wanting him to be something specific FOR YOU, so you can feel okay in about yourself and in your life. Instead, YOU create safety for yourself. YOU make yourself feel seen – and you do that by turning inward instead of looking outside of you for that. As long as you keep on the path you are on right now, you will stay in a “needy” state and that is a recipe for a breakup.

I have never been with someone who made me feel so safe and heard and I’m scared I did something wrong to lose that. I get this. It won’t be the last time. Rav is NOT the only guy who can create this energy. And maybe you did do something to lose that, but Shani….feeling seen and safe are NOT the only components required for a healthy connection. It’s PART of the equation, but not the FULL equation. You took these 2 components and blew them up so big and put Rav on a pedestal….a place NO ONE should ever be. You made him SO great that is caused you NOT to see the whole of him…his messiness, his red flags, where he is NOT a good person, where he is limited – you didn’t see a single red flag after over a year of knowing him….THAT in and of itself is a red flag. You were so blinded by feeling safe and seen, because it was a new experience for you, that you never really saw him. So…with that being said, you may have lost that feeling of safety and feeling of being seen, but you also lost a guy who doesn’t have a lot of respect for women. You also lost a guy that didn’t handle the ending very well. You also lost a guy who used you for sex.

Imagine this Shani….what if EVERY guy you dated made you feel safe and seen. Do you think Rav would have had such a hold on you? Nope. Because feeling safe and seen would have been a NORMAL experience for you – and you would have been able to see MORE about who he is before deciding that he was “your person.” So I always remind the ladies when dating….there is a baseline that needs to be met about how you are treated….that baseline is NOT a reason to give someone your heart. That baseline is a REQUIREMENT….A STANDARD….AN EXPECTATION….and once that baseline is met, THEN that is your starting place of getting to know that person…their likes and dislikes, their personality, their greatness, their red flags etc. But you DO NOT offer someone your heart just because the baseline is being met.

Also I’m not sure I buy into the whole you have to be perfectly healed to meet someone, surely there is something to be said that you both bring out the best in each other and help each other. Because when you say this: “It’s just the reality of life and living with trauma. I appreciate every single one of those moments, because it’s an opportunity to clean up my system even more. ” and that it takes years, well do I have to be alone all those years? Let me explain this a little better. You are 100% right. There is no such thing as perfectly healed. But there IS a way of living life that will either set you up for success or keep you from what you want. I will be doing healing work for the rest of my life, but what I have done is developed a skillset to manage my stress, I work with experts that help me continue to heal, I have a very strong resilience that I have built up over the years….and all of this gives me the ability to hold to my standards when it comes to love….to hold to my standards as to how I expect to be treated…..to hold myself accountable to being a healthy partner for someone else….It’s have emotional sovereignty. I am in control of my own well-being. And THAT is what I am referring to. Until you really own 100% responsibility for how you feel each and every day and you back that up with how you live your life and how you function in relationships, then you are not ready to have a healthy relationship. A relationship REQUIRES emotional sovereignty, NOT dependence. Yes, we all help each other along the way, but other people are there just as supporting characters, not the lead role for our well being. WE need to be in that spot. Does this help better explain what I”m saying?

However I do put a lot of value in how others see me, how I impact others, the value I am to them. I’ve always been this way. It means a lot to me. I’m sure that’s something to unpack sometime, but even now I know I am dropping food and gifts off to my friends who just had the baby, taking their dog for walks etc, because I know it’s of value to them and I need to feel that. Of course you put value in how other see you. You have a BEAUTIFUL heart and that will never change. It is WHO you are. This is something that will ALWAYS be true for every one of us….Our greatest strengths are ALWAYS our greatest weaknesses. So your beautiful loving heart is an incredible strength AND it also gets you in trouble by over giving, over sharing, caring sooooo much about what other people think that you live and design your life to make sure other people think you’re valuable. It NOT about what you do…it’s about WHY you do it. For example, dropping food and gifts off to your friends could absolutely be a loving thing, but you have to ask yourself….am I doing this because I want them to like me and feel that I am a good friend? Or am I doing this because it’s who I am. Now that answer to that is both. It IS who you are for sure, BUT you also have such a strong need for them to feel your value that you will naturally be driven to DO things for them so you can feel that appreciation and love from that…because THEY are sourcing your self-esteem….THEY are sourcing your value.

I remember when I was exploring this within myself. I was at a restaurant picking up a food order and I had some cash to give them a tip. I noticed myself waiting to put cash in their jar until the server SAW me do this, because I NEEDED for them to see what a generous and good person I was. I WANTED that smile and appreciation from them. THAT was me using the outside world for my validation. It was a light bulb moment for me.

This is a deep one Shani. There is soooooo much to unpack about this concept, so I’ll stop here and maybe let this one ruminate for a bit. Ask questions if this doesn’t make sense.

“The way things ended really triggered me. It brought up a lot of hurt and anger so I have a lot of work to do on myself. I’ll figure it out. I’ll still be cordial. I’m just not interested in talking and connecting, because I am in a place where I really might say things that could be harmful and that is not the kind of person I want to be” – thank you. this helps. But it also feels like it’s putting all the blame on me? Who’s blaming? Blaming doesn’t exist here….it’s just you taking responsibility for YOUR feelings. It’s not Rav’s fault that you are hurting the way you are. You are hurting so deeply and in suffering because of ALL the prior experiences you have had BEFORE Rav….you came to table with a ton of previous baggage and he just happened to poke at it. So your feelings are YOURS to work with. He does NOT deserve to have your past be dumped in his lap. That’s harmful, it’s mean, and it’s unkind. Would you like that done to you? Would you like a guy to dump ALL his anger and resentment and hurt from his past into your lap just because you didn’t see a future with him?

And so I’m sort of resting in these feelings of not being ok, and I will avoid interacting with Rav at this stage. WELL DONE Shani!!! Good job for just dropping off the gift and getting out of there. You were protecting yourself and you were protecting Rav and this new girl from your emotional storm. DO NOT feel bad about that. You did a VERY good thing by honoring your limitations! As far as navigating the freind group it really is simple. Just be honest. But the thing that will bring toxicity is HOW you talk about it. It’s one thing to be honest that you are hurting and processing your hurt feelings. It’s another thing to share how you feel in a blaming and shaming way that puts your friend in the middle.

So here is the healthy way to go about it “Soph….I know you are worried about me. I have a lot of pain that is coming up that Rav triggered. I’m realizing I’m not as healed from my past as I thought I was and that just means I have a lot more work to do. I’m struggling. I’m depressed. I’m dealing with feeling used and disregarded and I feel like a fool that I invested my heart with Rav and he wasn’t investing back. It’s tough. I thought that maybe he could be my person. I felt so safe and seen with him. He treated me soooooo well – and it was the first time I had ever felt that…and I’m having a hard time letting it go. I’ll get there though. I have made it through much worse things than this. I’m starting with a new therapist, I’m talking with this woman on a forum and I’m getting help. It’s just gonna take some time.”

Here is the toxic way to do it “Soph, this really sucks what Rav did to me. He hurt me deeply. He lead me on, he told me that had strong feelings for me and he really made me think that maybe we could become more. And then he turns around and backs out. I don’t even know why. I want to ask him and I want to talk to him about it, but it’s just so painful that he is already moving onto another girl. I thought I meant something to him, but it turns out I’m just another notch in his belt.”

Do you see the difference in tone and feeling of the 2 approaches? The first is you taking ownership of yourself. The second is you blaming and being a victim. The 2nd approach will push Soph away. It will put her in the middle and that’s not fair. The first will put Soph exactly where she wants to be….supportive and loving of you and supportive and loving of Rav too. It will free her from thinking she needs to choose sides. Eventually, as YOU heal Shani, the friend group will be so much more comfortable. Until then, you just need to keep protecting yourself and engage with Soph and stay away from Rav. Once you are more grounded and healed, you will and Rav will have a conversation. That’s the ideal approach anyways.

I feel like I’ve really messed up, and just wish perhaps at the very start I was more open to things, it’s hard not to take the entire blame onto myself. I know how hard this is. That’s why you need help. The more you allow your mind to keep looping around this thought pattern, the more you are digging your own grave. It’s a thought pattern that is keeping you in suffering. And it’s a CHOICE Shani. You COULD choose to instead say “I feel like I did everything wrong and I wish I could change things AND I am enough, I am still lovable and I accept and love myself EVEN IN MY MESSINESS.” Finish your mind loop on THAT thought and start to help yourself. You are not a victim here.

Because when everyone says you need to focus on you, and value you, it reads in my mind I am not good enough as is It’s not about not being good enough, it’s about your CHOICE of where you get your value from. Here’s the thing Shani….you want to feel better – the way you are going about it is not working. You are sinking. So if you want to feel better, you need to make different choices…and those choices include focusing on YOU and not Rav and Brooke. Focusing on how you are going to get this pain moving out of your system instead of looking into the past “wishing” you had done things differently. Where you are CHOOSING to put your attention on is what is sinking you. Your mind interprets these statements as “you are not good enough as is, because THAT IS WHAT YOU BELIEVE!” I know you have a lot of high self esteem Shani. You are incredibly strong and powerful in sooooo many ways, but in the love department, you have some strengthening to do. I see this ALL THE TIME. I can’t tell you how many times I have worked with incredibly powerful women who run companies, hospitals, etc. They are powerhouses in their lives, but when it came to love….oh my goodness, you wouldn’t recognize them. ALL their low self-esteem would emerge and they would give all their power away to the guy and they would lose themselves. That’s why I have studied love for so long. It’s fascinating, really. Women and love is….I’m not sure what the word is, but it’s a struggle for us ladies….and I could talk for hundreds of hours about why this is. There are A LOT of reasons. So one of my missions in life is to help the ladies reconnect back to their power in the face of romance and love. It’s a tough one, Shani. You definitely are the norm here. You are NOT alone.

. All I know is I’m not ok and my body is tired of trying to be. And my mind keep replaying things, and then flashing to Rav and Brooke, happy on Sunday. And I hate that I am so jealous and part of me hoped that he felt a bit shit when he saw me and got nothing from me. Of course you are jealous. Goodness, I have exactly that so many times in the same exact situation….watching a guy you want choose someone else. OUCH OUCH OUCH! So again….you want to get out of this pain, “hating” yourself for feeling this way will NOT work. Having compassion and loving yourself WILL. That’s what it means to focus on YOURSELF. Instead of allowing that loop, pull out a pen and paper and write a letter to that part of yourself that is hurting and fill it with words of encouragement and love and truth about her. Fill it with words you want to hear. You say “I know how hard it is to see Rav with Brooke and be happy. I just makes you feel so rejected and I can feel the pain you are carrying. I want you to know that I LOVE YOU. I CHOOSE YOU. I know how amazing you are. You are so important to me and I think you are the greatest person I have ever met. You have such a beautiful, loving and caring heart and I am so glad you are part of me. I am proud to know you and be you and I’m so sorry that Rav isn’t choosing you. I know that hurts so much. But I want you to know that I right here by your side and we are going to get through this together. We will get on the other side of this pain and we will be stronger for it. We have gone through a lot together already and we will make it through this too. We have some work to do, but we can do this. I love you so much.”

THIS is what it means to turn inward and love yourself and value yourself.

looking forward to hearing from you! Good job for sticking with me here Shani. I know I can be tough. I know I am saying things you don’t want to hear and yet – you keep showing up. I have so much respect for you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Shani,

Just checking in. Let’s keep talking! What’s been happening? I know you were having to face seeing him again. Have you crossed paths yet?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Good job Shani! You are getting some help! And good job for making changes with a therapist when it didn’t feel right. I know so many people who stick with their therapist even when they aren’t getting any movement from it. I don’t know your financial situation, but I’d be happy to share the contact info. of my coach. She is the most powerful, intuitive, wise person I know. She is not for everybody though. She will hold you accountable and she will take you to places inside yourself you absolutely won’t want to go…scary places…but it’s necessary to if you are ever going to get off those meds and be emotionally high functioning. You have to be willing to dig deep if you want true, sustainable movement, not just a bandaid.

And I don’t understand why it feels so important that he knows how much it hurts. Can you offer insight into WHY I’m struggling with that and why it might feel so important to me that I share? When obviously all your advice is don’t. It feels so important because he is the “target” for all your pain. It’s actually VERY normal. Everyone does this. There is a big pot of pain and when that pain gets activated, it your psyche will dump it all onto one person. For you, it’s Rav. You are hurting and that means you have needs that are not being met. And because Rav is the target, your mind is hooked onto him to make you feel better and make the pain go away. It’s an illusion. The reality is, Rav can never make up for all the pain you are carrying. You have a big hole inside of you and Rav filled that hole for period of time in a really powerful way…and now he is no longer occupying that space…so that hole is back and IT IS PAINFUL…and because he was the one who did such a good job filling that hole, you desperately want him back…you want him to SEE the pain he caused by leaving, because now you have to feel that hole again.

I use the analogy of Swiss cheese. We all have solid parts of us and holes in us. The holes are where the pain lives….our low self-esteem etc. We always do everything we can to fill those holes or run away from those holes, but most people do it in unsustainable and unhealthy ways. How? Addictions…to substances, to people, to work. So drugs and alcohol and sex…those are temporary fixes to fill those holes…workaholics fill that hole by being overprotective as well as avoid the holes by staying so busy they never have to feel what lives in those holes. You, like most people (Rav is probably doing the same exact thing), bond to someone who fills the holes – so it’s a “you complete me” type of relationship. For me, I used to use guys to get my self-esteem fix. If I could get a guy interested in me, he would tell me how great I was, how I was like no one I had ever met before etc. and THEN I would feel my value. They were filling my holes. The holes are PAINFUL!!!!! So we all do everything we can to avoid that pain, and using sources EXTERNAL to us, are the quickest way….but NEVER sustainable. Why? Because the outside world is NEVER consistent. It always changes. It is not a reliable source. But your inside….THAT is reliable. YOU have the ability to be a consistent, solid, strong advocate for yourself. YOU always have the ability to love yourself….not others. Love changes, love is a rollercoaster ride….so even in marriage – you WILL have moments where you don’t feel supported, seen, connected and your holes WILL be exposed. Then what? Most people fall apart because they have no idea how to be their own source – they rely on everyone else to do for them, what they should be doing themselves. If you want a strong, healthy relationship, you have to learn how to source yourself. You have to learn how to support yourself. You have to learn how to love yourself in ALL situations and THEN you will be ready for a healthy relationship. Why? Because you will not NEED that other person to do anything for you. A healthy relationship looks like this: it’s 3 parts. 1.You, 2.him and 3.the connection. You and him make up what goes into the connection. So if you show up with a ton of holes to a relationship, THAT is what the connection will be built on. And because we all will align with people in a similar place, a guy will align with you who also has a ton of holes. So now the 3rd part – the relationship itself – the connection – is FULL of a ton of wounding, low self-esteem, a “you complete me” mentality. Eventually, the connection that bonds the 2 of you will become toxic because those holes are NOT meant for someone else to fill. Those holes are unprocessed emotions from past events. So it’s not for the current person to fix or deal with. That’s not fair is it?

Your system is in so much pain and Rav, because he hurt you, is the one person your system believes could get you out of pain. You are using him. You want HIM to do the work for you.

Here is a pretty advanced concept, but I’ll plant the seed. What is it that you want HIM to do for you, that you won’t do for yourself?

You want him to choose you. Choose yourself. You want him to fight for you. Fight for yourself. You want him to value you. Value yourself. THIS is the ultimate skill. THIS is what true self love is. THIS is what is REQUIRED for a healthy relationship. 2 people who take FULL ownership of their own pain, their own holes, and DO NOT put it on their partner to fix. There is skillset to this though. You have to go into those holes and get to know every little aspect of your pain. What are your triggers? What do you need? How do you meet those needs for yourself? There’s a lot to understand. And because you don’t understand or have this skillset, you are doing what anyone would do….you are trying to get your needs met through Rav.

I’ve said a lot here, so hopefully it’s not too overwhelming. This is soooooo hard to explain through typing. Keep asking your questions Shani! You are doing a great job!

Because right now, I’m full of jealously if I’m perfectly honest, jealous that he is with someone else, happy and life is going on for him. YES! Of course you are jealous! I would be too if I were you. You want to be chosen and instead, he is choosing this other girl. Who knows if he is happy. You are only looking from the outside. You have no idea the inner workings of him and her, so put your attention on what you DO know. Focus on yourself. Anytime your thoughts go there, STOP them and tell yourself, “It’s over. Focus on me.”

And I guess this is a good place for me to work out what not to say, maybe not act like I’m fine, but learn the way to say things which will allow him to hear it with less judgement to maybe make being in each others presence easier. I’m sure he is very aware of the anxiety and hurt you feel. I would NOT get into a conversation with him, but you can offer a simple statement and then close the door. “The way things ended really triggered me. It brought up a lot of hurt and anger so I have a lot of work to do on myself. I’ll figure it out. I’ll still be cordial. I’m just not interested in talking and connecting, because I am in a place where I really might say things that could be harmful and that is not the kind of person I want to be.”

yeah the marketing really got me here. Because I thought it was all about even reconnecting with the emotionally unavailable guy, whether he is seeing someone or not. I think what’s hard is I don’t know if he is emotionally unavailable, since he is seeing another girl…also he goes to therapy, something many men do not do. Or I don’t know if actually the issue is just me and I’m not enough for him. Or too much. And I know that it’s not the way to think, but it’s really hard to get out of that rut. Just because he goes to therapy, DOES NOT mean he is getting anywhere. Honestly, I would say close to 90% of the people I have come across in therapy, are getting nowhere. But they don’t really it. I love that they go, don’t get me wrong, but I have come across very few therapist and very few people who really jumped into those holes and deep dive. Why? Because it’s painful and incredibly hard, but I’ll tell ya…the rewards you get from going there are priceless. I have the kind of life most people dream of…not on the outside, but on the inside. I am incredibly strong. I am solid. I know how to take care of myself when I’m rejected. I have a trust within myself that knows I can handle anything that shows up with grace. But I had to work my ass off to get where I am. I had to wrestle with my pain in ways that exhausted me. And I would do it all over again because of how I get to feel as a person.

Telling yourself to let go when your system is holding on for dear life because he is the safest guy you have met, that’s so hard > THIS. this is exactly how it feels. And I’m positive my past, and ADHD makes it even worse. Your past doesn’t make it worse, it’s the source Shani. One thing to ALWAYS pay attention to when dating. Whenever you find yourself saying “He’s the first guy who……” RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG!!!!! Sooooooo many women get hooked into a guy who made them feel safe, or seen, or loved, or cared about and so the flood gates open to their heart because of that – WITHOUT paying attention to all the other things that come with that guy. I got engaged to the first guy who I actually enjoyed having sex with. I had never felt that way before. I felt open and connected with and I was starving for that. That one piece became soooooo big that I didn’t pay attention to the other things that would have shown me he wasn’t a good match for me. He was a really great guy, but there is no way we would have ever made it.

It’s just hard and I’m struggling I guess with how much of myself to show to him when we do finally see each other. I’m trying to do the work on myself but it’s hard when I thought I had done it, and feels like I’ve gone backwards now. Rav knew I had worked through so much – he praised me on it, now I’ve fallen apart I feel like I’ve failed. You haven’t gone backwards Shani. All that happened is that more pain got exposed. We are like an onion. You may have cleared a couple of layers, but Rav is activating deeper layers in you that are being highlighted now. Healing is a marathon. It takes a lot of work, a lot of patience, and it takes years. I have done thousands of hours of deep dive therapy for CPTSD. Still to this very day, I need help sometimes because I am in a trigger that is so big, I can’t move through it myself. It’s just the reality of life and living with trauma. I appreciate every single one of those moments, because it’s an opportunity to clean up my system even more. It feels soooooo good when I get the yuk out of my system each time.

I feel this would be so much easier if I never had to see him again.
But I know he wants this to all be ok, for the sake of himself and our friends. What if he insists on talking further about it? Listen Shani, you are a grown woman. Own your power. Just because he wants to talk, doesn’t mean you have to. Honestly, he doesn’t deserve it. He broke your trust, he used you, he mislead you…and you want to open up and be vulnerable with him again? All I can say is it’s a big risk. You may find yourself feeling 100x more hurt after, because he still won’t give you what you want….which is to be chosen. But hey, you are going to do what you want to do and you will find out. Maybe something good can come of it. Lord knows I’ve stepped into having conversations that I knew were not the best idea and I learned. And sometimes, it did turn out well….not often, but in the end….it’s your life and you get to choose what you want to do.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Gosh Shani, you are really in it. I wish I had a magic wand that could make all your pain go away. I get why you don’t feel like you are okay. Thank you for sharing more of your struggles. Do you have an expert you could work with? Is that something you would consider? You are in a lot of pain and you are suffering….I want to encourage you to get some help to get this stuff out of your system…it’s the fastest way to free yourself.

I saw this weekend Rav and Brooke visit – Brooke is a girl he met at the baby shower, in December. I broke inside honestly. I fought so hard to not let my friends see me break, but I had to leave because I just felt sick and stabbed in the guts. Oh man! I feel that pain! That’s awful. Of course you needed to leave. I know that stabbing feeling sooooo well. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

It was different thinking maybe he wasn’t emotionally ready for a relationship, but for him to move so quickly to someone else, that hurts more. That just tells you how NOT invested he really was. He sounds like a really great guy and knows how to treat a woman and pull her in, but he may be that kind of guy that gets his self esteem from getting a woman to fall in love with him and never really invests himself. I’ve seen that a lot actually – and most are not even aware of what they are doing. If he had a really bad experience with a woman for 10 years, most likely there is a part of him that doesn’t want to go deep again….he will fear intimacy. So even though you see him moving onto the next girl, it doesn’t mean he will give her his heart. All she has is his attention and most likely, things will end with them as well. And let’s say they do end up together and fall in love…I guarantee you it will be a challenging relationship.

And I understand the way we both saw the relationship was different, but he also said there was a deep connection, even at the end. I’m really struggling to accept it, I actually don’t know how to. I know it’s incredibly hard to accept. Someone’s words are only that…words. Words are NOT real without action. That is something you ALWAYS have to look for when dating. That’s called integrity. If I come across a guy whose words and actions don’t match, there is no way you could pay me enough money to enter into a relationship with him. Words and actions need to line up to know someone is CLEAR, INTEGROUS, and someone you can count on.

I won’t lie, I thought this platform was going to help me get him to choose me, get him back and all of that. I absolutely understand this Shani. That is how they market this program and it’s true for some cases. Each situation is so different though. My job is to help you align with the truth. My job is offer an objective perspective. And from what you shared, I immediately knew you were dealing with an emotionally unavailable guy – and those type of guys are near impossible to turn around. And honestly, I would never even want to try. I believe in accepting someone for exactly who they are and the place they are in. If a guy is not emotionally available, he gets to be that and I believe in honoring that, no matter how it hurts.

But that’s the thing, deep down I just really felt it was right, and he didn’t really have red flags until now, but I also am terrified that because I’ve been anxious throughout this that it drove him away. If he didn’t have red flags until now, then you weren’t looking. You were either ignoring the red flags or just not seeing them. He has had them all along and I guarantee you there were a gazillion signs along the way that would have told you the end of the story months ago. You just didn’t know what to look for, that’s all. Most people date by letting their feelings guide them and that’s dangerous, as you are experiencing. As far as your anxiety, I’m going to say something that might be really hard for you to hear. Your anxiety is showing you that you have some inner work to do. If I were your coach or therapist, I would recommend you NOT date right now and get your inner world squared away. Most likely the anxiety was a lot for him and it would be for anyone. Is that the reason it didn’t work? It’s probably part of the equation, but so is he. He has his fears, his deep wounded patterns, his insecurities that are part of the equation.

I didn’t give secure energy, and maybe I was too much. I can’t explain how much he calmed me when he just held me, how seen I felt with him, how emotionally safe. This is why I would recommend to not date. You need to be able to feel all of these things on your own, without the help of a guy. You need to feel calm on your own, you need to feel safe on your own. Otherwise, what will happen is exactly what you are going through….someone else becomes your source of safety and calm and it becomes an addiction. When they aren’t there to source you anymore – whether they break up or there is a fight or something – you then go through withdrawal – no different than a substance abuse withdrawal. The absence of that person becomes painful. I can’t tell you how many times I was so into different guys, but it was my roundedness that was driving me, not my clear, wise, clear, high functioning self.

Oh you’d be surprised how much my friends pushed the agenda of giving him a shot, it was constant, even at my birthday in october telling my other friends that they keep offering me a great guy but I’m too shallow to give him a shot. I don’t care how much they pushed. You have a voice. What was stopping you from setting a boundary. They only pushed you so much because you allowed them to. All you needed to do was have a quiet conversation with them and ask them to stop. If they ignored you and continued pushing you, then they are the kind of friends who don’t respect your boundaries and you would have a choice to make as to whether you wanted to continue the friendship.

maybe it would have worked out better because my anxiety wouldn’t have gone through the roof. Your anxiety would have gone through the roof regardless. The anxiety living in your system is there to be activated at anytime by anything. Eventually, RAV would have triggered it in you even more. This is why I’m encouraging you to get some help so you can clear some of that anxiety out of your system.

This has brought up unhealed things I know that, it’s just really to pretend I’m ok to him and my friends when I’m not. Actually, my parents are incredible, I don’t think they are the source of any trauma! Maybe friendships in school though… Well something from your past really did a number on you. Do you have any understanding about where this anxiety is coming from? Have you ever explored what caused you to choose an abusive partner?

I don’t have the energy to find another guy anymore, And for some unknown reason I still really want this one. I can’t seem to accept it no matter how much I tell myself and my body to. Is this crazy? You are not crazy Shani. You are quite normal actually. You are not supposed to have the energy to find another guy…you are not ready for that. You need some space and time to heal. Telling yourself to let go when your system is holding on for dear life because he is the safest guy you have met, that’s so hard. That’s why getting help would make all the difference in the world. With this level of pain you are dealing with, I never recommend for people to go it alone.

Is there a good way to phrase, ‘I wish you had told me earlier, rather than lead me on for 4 months’ – because I don’t want to say it that way, but seriously it was those 4 months that gave me false hope. Because before that, I was ready to let go and move on. Shani, this just shows how much you are NOT ready to talk with him. You are looking for answers from him, this is a blaming statement, and you are desperate to connect and change his mind. This “desperation” energy and the “craving” you have to talk with him will only cause more chaos. Obviously, I cannot stop you from talking to him and you will have to learn through experience. He won’t have an answer for you that will make sense. You keep trying to figure out what happened, but the reality is, whatever he tells you will be a grain of sand of all the dynamics happening. You are looking for ways to relieve your pain and you keep waiting for him to fix it for you through a conversation. The pain you are carrying is NOT all from him. It’s just the tip of the iceberg.

And yes I know I’m being difficult in not accepting. Probably why I chose a platform that was about getting him back, even if he is with another, etc! I’m just feeling not ready to, and I’m not sure how to change that feeling. Because one minute I go from loving who I am and knowing any guy would be lucky to have me, to why was I not good enough for him. Urghhhhhhh I hate it’s affected me so much. Hating that it’s affected you so much is completely rejecting yourself. What you need is to love yourself through this. Have compassion for what you are going through. Be gentle with yourself…you are carrying a lot of pain and fear and that’s tough! Again, can you find anyone to work with? Someone who can help you work through all that stuff you are carrying? Because his apology or you getting more understanding is not going to change what lives within you.

But I will keep listening and trying, even when it hurts to hear it and do it Heidi. I know you are doing the very best that you can Shani. You are carrying an incredible amount of baggage and that is sooooooo tough. And you are dealing with a broken heart right now and all you want is to get out of pain. I totally get it. Anyone in your position would do the very same thing. I’m asking you to go above and beyond. Do the above average thing and find someone to help you through this. Read a book to help you get through this. Join a program, find a group coaching program that can help you start to work through this stuff. Do the inner work instead of looking to him to relieve your pain.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

but I’m not doing fine? Sure you are! You are hurting but that doesn’t mean you aren’t doing okay. You are still able to live your life, you are still able to go about your day, right? You are here talking about things with me and learning and growing from this situation…you are doing a really job helping yourself get through this! You are doing more than 99% of the people would do in your situation, so I’d say you are doing a really good job Shani. If you want to expand on the “fine” statement, then say “My heart still hurts, but I’m figuring it out. I have healed from much worse than this. I got this.” That…to me….is someone doing really great. Yes, there is pain, but there is also strength. So if “fine” feels like lying to you, then say it a different way.

I’m just so confused with what to say because I don’t want to attack him or police him. I don’t want to give the wrong energy. Okay great! So if you are willing to work through this, I can give you some ideas.

First..you have to clear that energy “You hurt me and you need to be held accountable for that.” That energy is judgment, criticism, and blaming and shaming. This is where forgiveness comes in. You haven’t forgiven him for how he handled your heart at the end. You haven’t forgiven him for his humanness and limitations. You haven’t forgiven him for not caring about he affected you with his very mixed messages. AND…you have to forgive yourself too….forgive yourself for not being able to get your needs met…forgive yourself for handing your heart over to a guy who didn’t take care of it….forgive yourself for getting yourself into this situation in the first place.

Until you do this and really let go of the pain around how this whole thing ended, you are not going to be clear when talking to him and you will give off a very needy, controlling vibe.

Yes, I want him to choose me and miss me, and I have no idea what to say to him in person, or whether to reply to his last text. Shani, he may be a good guy, but do you REALLY want him to choose you? Considering how he handled the ending, do you really want to invite him back in? he didn’t handle your heart very well the first time around, so you want to just freely give it to him again???

Here is the thing Shani….when choosing who to give your heart to, you don’t do make that choice according to how great a guy is. You make that choice according to his worst qualities. Because the truth is, relationships break and end because of the WORST sides of people, not the best sides of people. I have met PLENTY of really good guys, but once they are in a trigger, they ghost, they stonewall, they criticize, they gaslight….ANY of those things are non-negotiable for me…I don’t care how great the guy is….I KNOW that when things get tough in the relationship – and it’s guaranteed they will – a guy with those types of coping mechanisms would be a HORRIBLE teammate. I would be left alone when things got tough and I won’t stand for that. I EXPECT to be treated with respect, with connection, and I REQUIRE someone who has staying power with me, no matter how great the fear is, no matter how sticky the situation gets. So….when dating, I REALLY pay attention to the worst side of a guy first and foremost. I’m looking for the red flags, I’m looking for coping mechanisms, I’m looking at how they handle small stress to big stress in their life. And until I start to see the guy has what I require in that department, he doesn’t get full access to my heart. That is something he has to earn. And this is not just my opinion….science has backed this up.

The reason why most relationships actually end is because people let their “attraction” decide the partner for them. That attraction is the best part ever! However, it does NOT determine the success of a relationship.

Think about this way….imagine you are the CEO of a company you own…and your company is your heart. You need to hire a high level person to help you run things and grow things. So you start the interview process. You ask questions, you watch them in action, you learn about them…you REALLY like their personality and you get along super well together, but as the CEO…you have a HUGE responsibility to truly find the best fit. So you look waaaaaaay past how much you like the person, you HAVE TO FIND OUT if the person actually has the skills, the knowledge, the passion, the commitment, the wear-with-all to do the job of taking care of your heart. And that takes TIME. That is what dating is like. DO NOT hand your heart over to someone who isn’t equipped to handle it. You are inviting chaos into your life if you do that. Your heart is sacred Shani. Your heart has been so abused and it’s time you start protecting it in a different way. Rav mishandled your heart and you want to give it to him again??? Well…you get to try and make that happen, but you will most likely end up right back where you are now.

He is NOT a good fit for you. He is one of 2 things:
1. He either doesn’t feel the same way you do, so he doesn’t want the job
2. He does really like you and it scares him to step into a deeper connection with someone. And a person who lets fear control them on that level, is emotionally unavailable. Don’t you want a guy who has the courage to face his fears????

I get that you want him to choose you, because that would feel soooooo good, but that is not going to happen. So now, you are faced with choosing yourself. Loving yourself. Taking care of your broken heart. Feeling your greatness, connecting to that part of you that is so desperately wanting love and attention. That’s what I mean by YOU being responsible for your well-being, not Rav and not your friends….YOU. You need to give yourself what you are not getting from them. This is how you build your “okay-ness” in the middle of rejection. This is how you become internally strong. This is how you claim your power and your worth when the those around you aren’t giving you what you need. This will not be the last time you feel let down, disappointed, or rejected by friends. Even in the healthiest of relationships, there is rejection. So NOW is the time for you to develop the skill of taking care of yourself and not putting that job onto anyone else.

I do this for myself and I also coach people into this space….there is a guideline I follow….I do not confront someone until I don’t need to anymore. Which means, I have cleared my hurt feelings, I have cleared my upset, I have worked with the parts of myself that felt abandoned or rejected or whatever….and I am at peace. I don’t need anything from the other person in order to feel better. Then, and only then, do I say something to them IF it’s a relationship I want to grow and keep building. If not, I don’t say anything at all. It’s not my job to be the accountability police for anyone. My job is to take care of my own well-being and I trust 100% that life will hold others accountable in ways far greater than I could with my words. Obviously confronting someone is more nuanced than what I just shared, but first and foremost, I am always clearing my own hurt as fast as I can and as much as I can BEFORE saying something to someone else. Because the last thing I want to do is put my hurt and upset onto someone else.

Thoughts about all of this?

The friends thing is a good point, I think because they kept pushing me to give him a shot and said I was being shallow (even though they didn’t know I was seeing him), it hurts more. I don’t want they to “do anything to him, I guess I don’t really understand what I want or why I feel this way. They didn’t push anything onto you Shani. They offered their opinions and being the good guy he is, why wouldn’t they? In the end, YOU CHOSE by yourself. You trusted their opinions and they trusted Rav would be a good experience for you. And they were right! It WAS a good experience….until it wasn’t. And that is life. That is dating. That is love. It’s good until it isn’t. And when it turns bad, it doesn’t mean all the good gets thrown out the window. What you are wanting from your friends is to feel fought for…the same thing you want from Rav…the same thing you have wanted from every single guy you dated….and probably the same thing you wanted from your parents growing up and didn’t get. So all the gaslighting and abuse you have made it through is still running in your system and a HUGE part of why this is hurting so much. There is a GIANT cauldron full of unprocessed, hurt feelings that happened waaaaaaay before you met Rav and THAT is why I’m encouraging you NOT to talk to Rav right now. You want to put ALL those hurt feelings on him and that is not okay. You will cause harm to the connection.

I also just don’t understand how we can have such a deep connection and it not be enough for him to give it a shot, and he can just give up on it? You had a great connection Shani, but you were having a completely different experience than Rav. You don’t know how he was actually feeling. He was sending mixed message for quite a while, you just weren’t seeing it. So again, YOUR OPINION and YOUR EXPERIENCE is only valid for you…not Rav. And the thing about heading down the path of love…it is sooooo terrifying for most people and they don’t even know. Maybe he has some super deep abandonment issues running in his veins, so the moment he starts to get close to someone, his nervous system says “ruuuuuun! DANGER!!!!” For example, when I was in high school and through college, the nicer and more respectful a guy treated me, the more I ran the other direction. I would have strong attraction towards guy who were the “bad boy” type. They would keep my attention for months! But a nice guy??? I would like them for 2 weeks. It literally was a pattern I noticed early on….right around the 2 week mark, I would all of a sudden go from really liking them, to “Oh my gosh, I can’t stand this anymore. I have to get out.” My nervous system was carrying so much trauma energy and so being treated nice was out of my comfort zone and caused me to shut down. So why Rav is not giving you a shot??? I can’t answer that, but I WILL tell you that it’s not as simple as you think. I have seen navy seals, who train to face death day in and day out, run from love like a coward. It takes great strength to face fears Shani. It takes a TON of understanding yourself, facing the hurts from the past, going into the caves where pain lives and is sourcing fear. You of all people understand this, yes?

So it’s important to let go of the “why” and just accept what is. You may never get a real answer about that. Like I said before, it’s usually 1 of 2 things….you are the right match for him and he knows it (I’ve had plenty of great connections with guy, but it wasn’t a match that I knew would last long term) or he is afraid to commit and fall in love and take that journey – and most likely isn’t even aware of it. Either way, YOUR job is to be in acceptance of what is. THAT is how you will heal faster from this.

How do I do this? And no I dont, that’s why I’m reaching out, I want to do this the right way, or at least a way that will help move this forward positively. Like I said earlier, the place to start is letting go. Close the door on a relationship with him. There are other guys out there that also can treat you really well and that you will also have a good connection with. He is not the only one! And start to work yourself towards forgiveness. Those are the 2 things you need to focus on.

As far as how to say it to him? It’s simple really. It goes like this – and this is an IN PERSON conversation, NOT A TEXT. Please please please DO NOT do this through text. You will set yourself up for failure that way.

“Hey. Listen, I’m sorry I wasn’t responding to your texts. I actually really appreciate you reaching out and wanting to make sure everything was kosher before we saw each other. Honestly, I’m still hurting. I felt things for you that were new for me and I took a chance with you. And as you know, that was hard for me considering what I come from. I understand and accept that you are clear about not wanting to move forward with me. I get that and it’s actually not what really hurt. We spent a lot of time together and created a lot of memories, even as friends before we hooked up. I just ended up feeling really discarded the way you ended things. Not that you ended it…but THE WAY you ended it. I think I really just wanted to feel like I still mattered to you, even as a friend – and that’s just not the vibe I got and I’m still kind of recovering from that feeling.”

So do you see how saying it this way is not forcing your opinion on him or telling him he is wrong it is simply telling him that his choice hurt. It’s a formula I always use and works every time….I don’t always get the result I want, but at the very least, it’s a peaceful conversation and the other person DOES hear me….it doesn’t mean they will agree and it doesn’t mean they apologize, but I know I at least said my peace in a respectful way.

Here is the formula so to speak. You always want to claim your own feelings with statements like “When you did____________, it made me feel___________” there are a lot of ways to say that, like I did above, but what you want to avoid is “You made me feel ____________” That’s a pointing the finger kind of statement that people will NOT respond well to.

But again, BEFORE you talk with him, you have some work to do on yourself. You really need to get into acceptance of his choice and full on deal with all the hurt it’s bringing up in you.

I really appreciate your advice on this, I didn’t think I loved him, but maybe I did. Which is crazy because we weren’t even in a relationship Love takes many shapes and sizes – you bonded….whether you want to call it love or not, doesn’t matter. All you need to do is give your hurt self a HUGE hug and comfort her as the bond dissolves.

I am here for you Shani! You are so courageous to be here and talk with me about this and I’m not just saying that. I’ve tried to teach this to so many women over the years and probably 90% drop off because they are being supported in what they believe they want. This is tough what you are dealing with and I am soooooo so proud of you for having the sticking power here. I’m honored to get to be part of your journey!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Shani,

I totally get why it hurts so much with Rav. He was really your first experience with safety and especially since he is friends with your friends and he is a good guy…of course you would fall for him. He treated you well and it sounds like there was a really good vibe between the both of you. It really hurts when something good like that doesn’t turn out the way you want.

Honestly, part of me feels he would rather know the truth, that’s why he has offered to reach out and talk. This is not for you to determine. You are playing a guessing game here.

I just don’t love “lying” to him. Lying? That’s quite an extreme word. Full disclosure requires safety and trust and that is something he broke. So saying you are “fine” is NOT lying…you are doing fine. That is the truth. You just aren’t telling him anything more than that because it’s a bit of a sticky situation. And you are here sifting through all of that to make sure you handle everything in the best possible way.

And I just think if our friends are telling me he did wrong, they should tell him. I’m a believer that if you are good friends you can call your friend out on behaviours that aren’t ones you agree with I understand this is how you believe and operate as a friend. But this isn’t the Shani show here. Your opinions are not the only ones that exist. It is not for you to judge what kind of friends they should be. They have their own opinions about how to be a good friend. Not everyone operates like you do, so it’s important to hold space for EVERYONE and not push your opinions onto other people. Besides, you are NOT in their friendship. You have no clue whether or not they said something to him. And if they did talk to him about it, it’s obviously something they resolved and they moved on from. It’s THEIR friendship, so they get to treat it in the way that feels good for them.

And it would help me feel more supported I guess. So what does this actually look like to you? Let’s say they did stick up for you….let’s say they did say something to him….then what? What do you want them to do next? What result are you looking for from that? How do you think that would change anything?

Maybe make it that I’m not the crazy one, others can see it too, So now we are getting to a deeper core pain spot. “the crazy one” is a thought and feeling that is familiar to you, yes? What happened to you in your past, that made you feel not believed or like the “crazy one.”

so he has the opportunity to take accountability. This is very much a “police” type of energy. He hurt you and you want him to own up to it and apologize. That’s not friendship. That is you being controlling, NOT relational. I’m telling you right now….if that is the energy you go at him with, you will just push him away and make him think “Man…I’m so glad I ended things with her.” ANYTIME you go at someone as if YOU know better and YOU are holding them accountable for what they did….it will turn people off. There is an art to confronting someone. There are many things to consider if you want to be effective. The goal whenever confronting someone, is to help them feel safe with you. You want them to feel open and receptive to you. Do you really think your judging and criticizing energy would make Rav want to connect with you? I guarantee you he will say he is sorry more from a place of wanting to get out of the conversation, than really listening to what you are saying…and in the end, nothing will have changed in him and you are right back where you started.

You are hurting Shani. You are dealing with a broken heart and I promise you, getting him to apologize won’t change that…because what is hurting is that he isn’t choosing you. What is hurting is that he isn’t fighting for you, or missing you. What is hurting is that you feel insignificant to him. You are carrying around a broken heart from the loss of him while he is carrying on with his life as if nothing happened. THAT is what hurts. Even if he apologizes and even if he says “Of course you matter to me. I miss our friendship and I miss our banter” it will not change your pain, because those words will have no action behind it. The moment you crossed that line with him, everything changed for good. You are incapable of friendship with him right now. It’s not appropriate. One day, when you heal from this, a new type of friendship could possibly grow.

The connection between the both of you CAN heal. It can be rebuilt. But it won’t have the chance for any of that as long as you keep waiting for him to be held accountable. Again, I’m not saying you shouldn’t talk to him. I’m saying the police badge you’re wearing where you want him to be held accountable for hurting your feelings is going to cause more damage than you think. You won’t get what you want from him.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Shani,

Thank you for sharing all these details. It’s helpful for me to understand more of the situation. I’m so so sorry for everything you have been through with men. You have been treated so horribly. I’m so glad you are out of that abusive relationship and starting over again. I’m sure you still have a lot to process as you are dealing with 2 SA’s in the past year. My heart breaks for you Shani. Well done for still being here and having the courage with risk with Rav.

Let’s start with this: What do you hope to accomplish by telling Rav how he hurt you? And what do you think your friends would accomplish by calling Rav out for treating you the way he did?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

you’re asking some good questions and I understand your point. Let’s dive into this a bit deeper.

I guess I just don’t know why it’s wrong to tell him that I’m not ok.. It’s not about right or wrong. It’s more about developing your emotional sovereignty and self love. What I mean by that is this: Not a single person is responsible for taking care of your well being, your happiness, your okay-ness. That is 100% YOUR job, right? So when someone else hurts your feelings, it’s not THEIR job to fix you or make sure you’re okay.

And I need to know he at least valued the friendship, because thats the killer here. What you are wanting from him is for him to tell you that you are valuable to him which means you are relying on HIM for your value. An emotionally sovereign person says and feels “I am valuable, whether you think I am or not.” When you put your value in someone else’s hands, you are giving them control over your well being. Is that really how you want to live? And what that does is communicate to Rav, “You hurt me and I’m not okay until you tell me I’m valuable to you.” And that communicates neediness. Is that what you want him to feel from you?

When he has clearly asked me in the messages, and he is offering the chance to talk. He is not REALLY asking to talk in the messages. All he was doing was being polite and wanting to make sure that when you see each other, everything was going to be okay. If he REALLY wanted to know how you were feeling, he would push for that. I mean what guy wants to sit in front of a woman he has rejected and hear about how much he hurt her? He was only wanting to talk, not to dive into the feelings of all of it, but instead try and make sure you both could be friendly when you see each other.

And the hardest thing is that in our friends group, no one is going to call him out because they don’t want to get involved. And they right not getting involved. It’s not their situation. This is between you and him only.

If there’s really no hope for anything with him, then I’d rather just really tell him how much I hurt and give him the chance to show me if he really is a good person who cares for the friendship or not Shani, for right now, he is communicating that he is very clear that he does not want anything romantic with you. Does that mean there is no chance for something down the road? Of course not! But I will tell you that is you blast him with your righteous feelings as if he is the bad guy here and look to him to make you feel better, you will 100% push him away…even to the point that the friendship door will be closed. You chose to step into “having fun” with him. And it worked for a period of time until it didn’t. YOU changed, not him. From what you have shared here, he was pretty honest with you all along about not wanting things to turn serious. He only wanted to keep things light – friends with benefits. And the thing is Shani, men are able to do that. They DO NOT bond through sex and friendship the way women do – they are chemically and structurally built different than we are and that has been scientifically proven through science over and over and over again. Here is an example: When a woman has sex with a man….our bodies release a hormone called oxytocin (a bonding chemical that also gets release when the newborn baby immediately gets placed on our chest immediately after birth. THat’s why doctors do that). So oxytocin will get released in our bodies for up to 7 years every time we have sex with a specific guy – which is nature’s ways of bonding us. That DOES NOT happen to men. Men (in general) are able to have sex and disconnect and move about their day. They are fantastic at the whole friends with benefits thing. They are engaged with that type of interaction because they are motivated by sex. For women, they are NOT motivated by sex, but instead the connection that sex brings them. And that’s why women are the ones who typically get hurt in a friends with benefits agreement. You want him to value your friendship, but that is just not how the average man operates or thinks.

Again…science has proven this many times….men: the very core self-esteem and value a man determines his worth by is his ability to PRODUCE. If you take away a man’s job his ability to produce something in his life, you will see the strongest man completely lose his center and self-worth. There was a massive study done where men were required to stay at home while the women went out and worked. What they found is the men could take it for a while, but eventually started to go stir crazy and their instinctive response to that was to start finding “projects” around the house to do…things to fix, things to build, things to learn….something they could create and produce. They didn’t focus on how clean the house was, whether there was food in the fridge, whether the children had bathed or brushed their hair, whether the kids had their playdates. None of those things are about PRODUCING. Women on the other, we are built completely different. The core of our self-esteem and where we find our value lives in CONNECTION. Relationships drive us. We are the relationship caretakers. So when women stayed home, they focused on a clean house, groceries, playdates etc. because 100% percent of her focus is on relationships with her children and her partner and making sure EVERYONE (except herself) has their needs met. Everyone else’s happy meant she could be happy.

So the exchange that you and him had is text book….the guy didn’t bond nor think about the “relationship.” He wanted sex and had fun with you, but the moment you stepped into sharing your deeper feelings and asking for more, he pulled back. YOU wanted a deeper connection. YOU caught feelings. He didn’t. So now your feelings are hurt because he didn’t value your “friendship” enough. You are wanting him to think and act like a woman does and that just will never happen. It’s not who he is or how he operates and you want to hold him accountable that. Well, let’s flip the script here for second…if you are going to point the finger at him, he could also point the finger at you. He told you he was just having fun and didn’t want anything serious. He told you he needed some time to figure shit out in his life. So he could easily say “I was honest with you but you just didn’t want to listen.” You KNOWINGLY kept sleeping with him and engaging with him all in hopes that he would change his mind about you. And that was YOUR choice, not his. And now that things ended, you are blaming him and not looking at how YOU participated in this design. I’m only going by the information you have shared with me here. I obviously don’t know all the details.

In the end though….you BOTH played the game. You started on the same page, but then you shifted and got hurt because he didn’t shift with you. It’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just what happens sometimes.

What can you do to help yourself connect into this and stop blaming him for your pain – pain I’m sure that has built up over the years from previous experiences of being rejected or feeling like you don’t matter. He obviously touched on a sensitive spot for you – that’s what dating does. It exposes each of our pain spots.

Now….I want to circle back and be very clear here. I’m not saying NOT to talk to him. If you want to drive him away, hold him accountable and blast him with your hurt feelings. If you want to heal and rebuild the connection and friendships, then you have to approach this differently. Which do you want?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Shani,

I can really feel your hurt. I am so sorry you are having to go through healing a broken heart.

I’m going to say something that you are not going to like. I have been in your situation before and received the same advice and definitely did not like it. Regardless, it’s what is true.

First, as an objective observer here, the final message he sent you was pretty clear. He feels clear about his choice and doesn’t need to talk about anything anymore. He is not suffering like you are – and I know how much that stings and makes the hurt even worse. It’s always the hardest part feeling disregarded and like you didn’t really matter to them. It’s incredibly painful seeing someone be totally okay with the loss of you, while you are here having to mend a broken heart from the loss of him. I deeply know how much that hurts and I wish I could make that pain go away for you.

Second, I want to encourage you not to send anything back. He completed his text to you with closing words and wasn’t inviting a response from you, so there really is no need for you to respond. By sharing your feelings with him, you are opening yourself up to more rejection. He sounds like a nice guy in general, so imagine he would listen to you and probably apologize, but in the end, it won’t change his mind. His apology is not going to fix your broken heart. And besides, talking about your vulnerable broken heart over text is such a disservice to you and whatever you text will be open to interpretation. It’s truly one of the worst ways to communicate deep, serious feelings.

You obviously get to do what you want. What I want to encourage you to do, is really close the door on this guy so you can heal. You both made choices and you are the one who really got hurt from it, so it’s time for you to forgive what happened, forgive his humanness and lack of care for you, forgive yourself for getting mixed up with a guy who didn’t care for you the way you wanted and needed, and work towards letting this whole thing go. It’s going to take some time, but the sooner you close the door on this….meaning no more messages with him, the faster you can heal. And when you do see each other in person, you’ll just be polite, even though you both will feel pretty uncomfortable. It’s just a moment in time that you can through. The more you work on forgiving and letting this go NOW, the easier it will be when you cross paths with him.

Again, I’m so so sorry. I know I’m offering guidance that is not what you want to hear. I’m here for you, so share your thoughts on this, share more of your feelings, you can vent here with me, and I’m here to help support you through this if you want.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Shani,

Welcome! Thank you for sharing the details.

I love the honesty of your reply and I think that is the most important quality of your message. So it sounds like you still have strong feelings for him, yes? You are still dealing with the hurt of being rejected, but I think it’s more impactful if you are honest about that instead of saying you were “busy.” Your reply has some coldness to it, so warming it up a bit will also help soften the exchange which will help when you see each other in person. He will respect your honesty soooooo much more.

You can say something like “Hey. my apologies for not responding. I honestly just didn’t know what to say and I’m still dealing with a bit of embarrassment. I took a risk and it didn’t work out the way I wanted, but that’s just part of life isn’t it? I really appreciate you checking in with me and making sure we are all good before we end up seeing each other. I admit, I will probably be awkward. But hey…who cares! We are both adults and have gone through awkward moments before and we will both navigate this one the best way we know how. It’ll be okay! But, if you feel like we should talk before we see other, I’m open to that. Just let me know. Otherwise, I’ll see you soon.”

How does this message feel?

The awkwardness really sits in your hands, so if you can show up with an open, connective heart instead of a closed, hurt heart….it will make all the difference in the world.

Thoughts on this?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi tls,

You are asking a great question! I want to invite you to think deeper about this concept. It’s less about the actual asking for help so he can feel like your “hero” and more about supporting the idea that you are a “team” together and you move through life helping each other. It has nothing to do with being incapable so you ask for help. It’s more about inviting someone to help, because it makes them part of your life and it helps someone feel like they are involved and that they matter. For most men, doing thing for their woman to help make their life easier is a natural thing they respond to. Our natural way to feel part of the man’s life is by offering connection, support through challenges, advice. So in summary, men are natural “doers” and women are natural “connectors.” So it’s good for men to ask their women for guidance, advice, help with a coworker etc. and it’s good for women to ask men for help to fix something, or carry something, or do something. It just supports a stronger connection and helps the other person feel involved in their partner’s life. Does this make sense?

Why do you feel like you threaten your off/on again guy by not “needing” him too much? Has he specifically said that to you or are you making an educated guess?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Okay, this is a loooong one, so grab some popcorn 🙂

which was lovely at the time, but ironically, it kind of reminded me of how alone I feel here. As a dating coach, I always always always say that one of the best ways to become a great partner, is to master the art of being alone. Why? Because you are able to get to know yourself in ways that only that void can expose. This void you are feeling is a RARE opportunity for you to develop a new skillset, face fears, and connect more deeply with yourself and strengthen your self love. The stronger you become in your connection with yourself, the more powerful and effective partner you will be. Feeling “alone” means that you are relying A LOT on other people for your well being. We all do it! It’s rare to have a season like you have right now, where you have to start from ground zero. I love that you are feeling alone. I know more than anything that you want to strengthen your bond with yourself and this is one of the most powerful ways to do it….FEEL the aloneness and connect with it. The alone feeling is just an illusion, right? Think about it this way….your entire life, you have felt like you don’t really belong – starting with your family. You have always felt different and your family has always told you how to be different so you could fit better with them – so you were taught to orient your well being and your belonging to the people around you. Well now you don’t have anyone around you to tell you whether you fit or not, whether you are okay or not, whether you are acceptable or not. BUT….if you had been taught that you were worth loving and knowing just as you are, you wouldn’t be feeling alone right now. You’d be having other types of struggles probably, but you would have a core sense of belonging to yourself – and to God – and you wouldn’t be feeling so alone…at least not in the way you are feeling right now. Since you want to strengthen your insides, this is the PERFECT way to do it. You cannot avoid this and you cannot run from this – so now you can really face it. Now is the time, because a season like this rarely comes along.

So instead of telling you how to navigate this feeling of “I’m alone” how about you share your own ideas. What if I came to you and said “I’m feeling really alone Anna. This is so hard.” What guidance would you offer?

I don’t know if I’ll actually end up doing this (I’m debating it), but if I do, do you have any suggestions as to how to go about it without making myself smaller than I am?. I am going to offer you guidance different than your therapist, so it’s up to you how you approach this. I suggest NOT scheduling something like this. Why? Because you are doing it from a place of feeling “alone” and that means you are putting that feeling on HIM to fix, instead of you working with it on your own. You do not want to develop the pattern to rely on others to help you feel better. BUT…it doesn’t mean you don’t ask for help. Here’s the thing Anna, you NEED to know that you can rely 100% on yourself for your wellbeing if you are going to thrive in your life. So a more balanced way to navigate challenges is this: Others are there to support you, but they are NOT there to fix you. That’s your job, right? You are in the baby stages of learning how to navigate all of these challenges on your own. So for now, because you still have a lot of learning to do, take this opportunity to strengthen your skillset. It doesn’t mean you don’t reach out every once in a while or that you don’t ask for help. I do that all the time. It means that others are the support when you need it, but not the MAIN way that you get through something. So here is how it could look for you…..you are feeling alone right now, so you work with those feelings and shift those feelings. There are a TON of layers to this feeling “alone” so work with every layer that comes up with me and with your therapist. Sometimes you will hit a super sticky spot and you need a little extra help. So you may reach out to a friend and say “Hey, I need a little encouragement right now. Can you just tell me that I can do this??” So do you see how you are asking for SUPPORT instead of using someone else to make you feel better? This is why it’s so important to work with the “alone” feeling, because there will be times, even in marriage that you will feel alone. It is one of the greatest, most powerful skills to have such a strong connection with yourself, that when everyone around you is not available for you in the way you need, you have yourself to rely on and you are able to stay strong, connected, high functioning and in your power.

Unhealthy relationships say: “You complete me”. This is a “filling the void” within each other kind of connection. Healthy relationships say: “You compliment me”. This is “I am complete within myself already and you just add to me” kind of connection. (These are very rare by the way, because the majority of people are not willing to do the work). Do you see the difference?

Relationships have 3 parts. 1. You 2. The other 3. The connection. So both you and your guy are fantastic, wonderful people. BUT…the type of connection that is formed between the two of you will determine the success of the relationship, NOT the kind of people you are. So this is where skill and awareness come in. This pattern is already being established between you and him where you are playing small to avoid rejection and he is taking the role of rescuing you by always telling you how great you really are. This is a pattern that will destroy your connection over time. It may take 20 years to get there, but it is a toxic pattern. So instead, I want to encourage you to NOT set up consistent talks with him…not right now while you are in the thick of feeling the aloneness. Get through this phase WITHOUT him and really face yourself. It doesn’t mean you don’t talk to him, it just means you don’t connect from a place of feeling alone. A healthy way to share this struggle with him might be “Ya….I’m struggling with really feeling alone right now. But I am learning so much about myself and really working on building my self-esteem and developing new skills in how to face my fears. It’s so hard, but I know this is so important for me.” Do you see how you are sharing, but NOT asking for anything from him? He will naturally offer his encouragement and support, because that is who he is, but he won’t feel like you NEED it from him. And THIS is what will develop respect and safety within the relationship. Nothing turns a guy off more than feeling the neediness from a woman. A man will respect a woman when he feels her strength and he feels like “She’s got this. I believe in her.” Does this make sense?

Here’s an analogy I like to use to give you the big picture:

Imagine you have to walk across a tight rope (the tight rope is a challenge you are being faced with). There are 2 ways you are going to walk across that tight rope. Terrified OR with some fear, but confidence as well. What determines your experience?

scenario 1 Terrified: You may or may not have a safety net below you. It’s reliant upon whether “others” have put that net underneath you. And on top of that, you don’t know the quality of that net, whether it’s been cared for, whether it’s tight enough, whether or not there are any holes. So the entire feeling of safety is reliant on other people. There may be a safety net there for part of the time, but there also is a possibility that as you are halfway through, others fail you and now the safety net is gone. TERRIFYING, right??? Who in the world would ever feel safe to walk across a tight rope without a safety net??? (professionals excluded of course). This is why addictions are sooooo strong and why so many people are on medications. They are using substances as part of their safety net.

scenario 2 fear with confidence: facing any challenge is going to have some fear. BUT….you are confident because you yourself have put up your safety net. YOU are the one who has cared for it, makes sure there are no holes, knows exactly how tight it needs to be, and you are in constant relationship with it. So now you can walk across that tight rope with your very own safety net below you KNOWING that if and when you fall, you are 100% safe. And your friends, your family, or whomever is part of your support team, they are around your safety net encouraging you and cheering you on. And this allows THEM to feel like your support but NOT your end all be all. They each will have the freedom to come and go as they need to (so they can also take care of themselves if needed) because they TRUST that you got this. They KNOW you are safe and will get across that tight rope whether or not they are there and THIS is what a healthy connection is based upon. No one needs to rescue each other. This is TRUE freedom within a relationship. This is TRUE freedom in life! I can’t even tell you how amazing it is to get to feel like this. I have this DEEP, core knowing that no matter what shows up in my life, no matter the challenge, I WILL get to the other side.

Does this help?

This is why this very rare opportunity of you feeling “alone” is quite special and unique and why it’s soooooo important for you to really dig in and do the work Anna. It’s the opportunity for you to become in a much stronger relationship with your safety net. It’s so easy to run to others to ask for them to help you with your safety net (which is what most people do) but I know you want more for yourself.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Weeeelllll doooooonnnneeee Anna! This is what I’m talking about! You OWNING your beauty, your gifts, your best self. I find a lot of people have a hard time with that for fear of being “arrogant.” I’m glad you were able to get that out of the way and connect to the divine in you and claim it. I love that it feels good too! Yayaya!

I also am loving at how you are connecting more to being a “teacher.” Yes, you are young, but you are wise too! What you believe today will not be what you believe in 10 years, but as long as you are growing and sharing, you will always be a great teacher.

There is a quote that I think comes from Rudolph Steiner (considered one of the greatest philosophers in recent history) “Belief is where thinking stops.” That is soooooo true and something I have learned over the years. My “beliefs”, whether it be about God, nutrition, who I am etc. are ALWAYS changing, because I am open to exploring and receiving new information…ALWAYS. This takes GREAT courage and self esteem to live this way. Most people have a very HIGH need to create boxes (beliefs) that stay the same forever. It’s how they know themselves. But when you have courage to challenge that box and keep “critically thinking” and “exploring the holes in that box” and open to “expanding” that box or switching that box entirely, then you are truly living a life full of possibilities. It takes courage to be curious and let that curiosity take you to scary places. I grew up Christian and was FULLY invested in that view and belief. Then one day, I read this book that completely challenged everything I was taught. It was sooooo scary, as I had no idea how to deal with my belief systems not making as much sense as they always had. Our beliefs will box us in and become part of our identity, and that’s why people tend to stay stuck in the same beliefs their entire life. I want to encourage you to keep “thinking” keep “exploring” keep “expanding” everything you know – and that will make you an incredible leader, teacher, friend, partner, parent. What you did for that mentee was beautiful. I would say…from what you have described about how people tend to come to you for advice….is that you are a great space holder for others to be who they want to be….you are able to love and care for someone for exactly who they are….this is sooooo powerful and incredibly rare. AND…the challenge is…making sure you are not allowing yourself to be used. I grew up the same way….wise beyond my years and EVERYONE always came to me for advice. Some of my closest friendships functioned as me being the advice giver and them being the student so to speak. It’s a very unbalanced equation…and I created my ENTIRE identity around this pattern. I would know others REALLY REALLY well and they would hardly know me. They THOUGHT they knew me, but really, they didn’t. And truth be told, they weren’t really interested in knowing who I was. They liked me because I always had some kind of answer that helped them understand their life better. It wasn’t until my 40s that I got so sick of this pattern where I was the one always helping and giving and they were the ones always receiving. They rarely asked questions about me, conversations were always about them and round and round we went. I was about 48 I think and I finally shifted. I actually cut off ALL the people in my life where that pattern existed. It was time for me to have relationships where I existed as well. So I want to encourage you to be really careful about this pattern. I know 100% that it feels good to be sought after. It was always a HUGE dose of self-esteem for me. It was my identity. I had to really look at the question “Who am I if I am not offering guidance or advice? If I never offered advice, why would people like me? Why would they want to be friends with me?” And I had to connect to my OTHER qualities and make those MUCH BIGGER, so that I felt like I existed in the relationship. I was more than just a friend/therapist. I was seen, I was known, I was held – BEYOND the advice I had to share and beyond the wisdom I had worked incredibly hard for over the years. Make sure that the people that you allow into your INNER heart, love and connect with you for reasons beyond your wisdom. Does this make sense? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this!

And I want to also encourage you….as you are connecting to your greatness, DO NOT apologize for being yourself. For example: So sorry this is so long! You have a lot of feelings. You have a lot to say. You have a lot of thoughts. Why would you apologize for that? Saying you are “sorry” is a word that is meant to be reserved for those times that you have caused harm or messed up in some way. DO NOT ever apologize for being yourself. That is you rejecting yourself…that is you minimizing yourself – you are apologizing for taking up space in our connection.

You minimize yourself with your guy a lot too. For example: I’ll leave you alone; I know you have an exam in a few days you need to study for and I don’t want to take any more of your time! When you apologize to me for writing a long post or say to your guy you I’ll leave you alone, I know you have lot to do….what you are actually doing is putting your self-esteem and self-worth in OUR hands. You make yourself REALLY small and then wait for us to say “Oh it’s okay…you are not bothering me at all” or “you didn’t write too long of a post at all. Keep doing it!” You are setting up both me and him to validate you in some form or fashion by saying that it’s okay for you to be you and you are not “bothering” us. You do this (this is very common by the way) because you have this part of you that doesn’t feel comfortable taking up space with someone. You don’t feel comfortable being your BIG BEAUTIFUL self. Where you do feel comfortable is being as small as possible. So make a rule for yourself….NO using the word “sorry” for something that didn’t cause harm or a mess-up. And let OTHER PEOPLE decide what they need, instead of you deciding for them….so instead of saying “I don’t want to bother you or take up your time so I should go” you instead say “As much as I am loving our conversation and want to keep talking, I know you have an exam tomorrow and you probably need to study and I want to honor that. Would you like to go?” Do you see how that tone is different? And instead of saying “sorry this post is so long” You say “Wow! I had a lot to say….this is a long post. Thank you for holding a safe space for me to share everything.”

Now….I know I am pushing you a bit here….I am asking you to step into your power and OWN every aspect of who you are. I also do not want to overwhelm you, so please make sure that you let me know if I am pushing too much or if you need smaller steps. You are dealing with so much right now and I am not interested in causing you to shut down or activating your low self-esteem. It’s so hard through this forum and just typing, to be able to gauge what is okay for someone, so my only option is to trust you that you will say something if what I am doing is not working or ineffective. I always want to know how to be better for you!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Anna!

Good job! Thank you for doing this exercise! Now I want you to take it a step further. Much of what you wrote, you followed it up by still reducing those qualities instead of claiming them. For example: “Oh crap, I really do have a bit of strength in me, don’t I?”. You don’t have a “bit” of strength, you have A LOT of strength. You say this about your guy: My guy did it too, and I think he’s one of the strongest people I know because of that but when you do the same thing you only have a “bit” of strength? You have a speech impediment which makes talking extremely exhausting and challenging and yet you still show up and give it a go. Here you say: I guess I would be worth getting to know because I do NOTHING arbitrarily, nor do I say anything arbitrarily. You “guess” you are worth knowing??? OMG do you know how much people crave this quality these days??? No “guessing” Anna. It’s time to CLAIM your greatness. So this next exercise, I want you to create a numbered list of 5 qualities you embody and I want you to write them as a statement. Just 1 sentence. So here is my list to show you what I am looking for:

1. I am resilient
2. I am a gifted problem solver
3. I am a strong leader
4. I am deeply connective and loving
5. I am an incredible friend

Start each statement with “I am.”

The thing is Anna….when you CLAIM and OWN your greatness, your speech impediment won’t matter because you are soooooo much MORE than your speech impediment. Your stuttering is just a physical thing….it’s NOT who you are. Who you are is what people care about. Your qualities, your heart, your intention, your support, your authenticity. I know speaking is exhausting for you, but I’m wondering if it’s exhausting because of how YOU view yourself and the low self esteem that seems to be in the forefront of your mind. THAT’S what is more exhausting than anything….having that low self-esteem front and center and then constantly having to overcome that. Imagine having high self-esteem ALL THE TIME. Imagine feeling 100% confident and KNOWING that you have A LOT to offer anyone who engages with you….do you think talking would be as exhausting? My guess is, sure….it might be some exhausting, but not near as much as it is right now.

You have greatness in you Anna and we ALL need that greatness to come out and touch the world. We are collectively starving for love, connection, authenticity, compassion, and kindness. We don’t need you to hide, we need EXACTLY what you have to offer. You are someone that can help heal, just by showing up and sharing your heart with someone. It doesn’t mean you need to go out there and be social all the time…it just means WE NEED YOU to connect to your greatness and once you do that…your heart can lead you into situations where you can share yourself and bring your goodness into the world…however that might show up.

So right now…I would say that your focus needs to be on yourself. It is NOT boastful, snobby, egotistical, grand, or overbearing to know who you are. You are so strongly connected to your limitations and your not so great sides…which is good! But it’s NOT GOOD when you are not connected with your greatness at the same time. God was your creator and instilled your greatness for a reason….so it’s time to own it, claim it, embrace it, and bring it into the world so that you can start bringing more healing energy into this world. You have a responsibility to that because you are MORE advanced than most people. For those of us that have a higher understanding, higher knowledge, more advanced awareness and consciousness….it is our responsibility to help others “wake up” to more of who they are. You are a teacher Anna and you have soooooooo much share.

So how about you share with me what you want to share with the world. What does your heart want to bring into this world to help create change and healing for others?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Anna,

So great to hear from you! Thank you for sharing your heart.

Your struggles are your teacher. You want to FEEL as strong as I see you??? Well…that’s more about YOU letting it sink in how strong you really are. The only thing blocking you from feeling your strength, is your low self-esteem. The “weirdo new girl sitting in the back just existing” is the dominant way you are feeling. We ALL have that side to ourselves. It’s activated right now because you are in a completely new environment and away from everything that feels familiar and comfortable…you knew where you fit, how to function, what to expect etc. before…but now…you have a clean slate and loneliness is really coming up for you and the little girl part of you that doesn’t fit yet, is the one feeling that loneliness.

Here’s the thing Anna…imagine you and your guy were married and had a little girl. Then there was a time where you had to move to a completely different place and your little girl had to deal with a new school, new friends, new everything. THAT”S HARD!!!! As her mom, how would you help her through that? You would hug her, you would remind her that she is not alone and that you are there for her, you would remind her of her strength, you would remind her of all her amazing qualities, you would love love love on her, and you would comfort her anytime she needed it, right? Well, instead what you are doing is calling her the “weirdo new girl just sitting in the back of the room.” You are speaking to your little girl in way that just causes her to feel even more like she is alone because her mom is even rejecting her. You say you cannot feel the strength I see in you? Well, how about you write me back and you tell ME….why are you so strong? How are you resourceful? Why are you someone I would want to know and have in my life? I”m serious….write me back and answer those questions.

You are struggling because you are abandoning yourself. You are scared and your insecure little self is in the driver’s seat, while your adult is in the back seat. So get your adult back into the driver’s seat. When your insecure self comes up, listen and be the nurturing, compassionate mother AND you tell her, “I know this is so scary. I know you don’t feel like you fit yet. And that’s okay. It’s going to take some time. We are going to do this anyways. I believe in you and I know you can do this and I am here every step of the way.”

Now…get yourself to the gym. It will help with how you feel. It will help release those feel good chemicals into your body and it will help you feel stronger. It’s a loving thing to do for yourself and it’s part of your self care. It doesn’t matter that you don’t feel like doing it. Commit to going regardless. That’s part of you putting your adult energy in the driver’s seat.

And with all of that….yes, it’s VERY normal for you to feel your “feels” with so much change that is happening. Regardless, it’s just you being you and that is 100% OKAY!!! You just keep working with yourself and loving yourself through your fear! You can do this! I have 100% confidence in you!

Heidi

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