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Okay, this is a loooong one, so grab some popcorn 🙂
which was lovely at the time, but ironically, it kind of reminded me of how alone I feel here. As a dating coach, I always always always say that one of the best ways to become a great partner, is to master the art of being alone. Why? Because you are able to get to know yourself in ways that only that void can expose. This void you are feeling is a RARE opportunity for you to develop a new skillset, face fears, and connect more deeply with yourself and strengthen your self love. The stronger you become in your connection with yourself, the more powerful and effective partner you will be. Feeling “alone” means that you are relying A LOT on other people for your well being. We all do it! It’s rare to have a season like you have right now, where you have to start from ground zero. I love that you are feeling alone. I know more than anything that you want to strengthen your bond with yourself and this is one of the most powerful ways to do it….FEEL the aloneness and connect with it. The alone feeling is just an illusion, right? Think about it this way….your entire life, you have felt like you don’t really belong – starting with your family. You have always felt different and your family has always told you how to be different so you could fit better with them – so you were taught to orient your well being and your belonging to the people around you. Well now you don’t have anyone around you to tell you whether you fit or not, whether you are okay or not, whether you are acceptable or not. BUT….if you had been taught that you were worth loving and knowing just as you are, you wouldn’t be feeling alone right now. You’d be having other types of struggles probably, but you would have a core sense of belonging to yourself – and to God – and you wouldn’t be feeling so alone…at least not in the way you are feeling right now. Since you want to strengthen your insides, this is the PERFECT way to do it. You cannot avoid this and you cannot run from this – so now you can really face it. Now is the time, because a season like this rarely comes along.
So instead of telling you how to navigate this feeling of “I’m alone” how about you share your own ideas. What if I came to you and said “I’m feeling really alone Anna. This is so hard.” What guidance would you offer?
I don’t know if I’ll actually end up doing this (I’m debating it), but if I do, do you have any suggestions as to how to go about it without making myself smaller than I am?. I am going to offer you guidance different than your therapist, so it’s up to you how you approach this. I suggest NOT scheduling something like this. Why? Because you are doing it from a place of feeling “alone” and that means you are putting that feeling on HIM to fix, instead of you working with it on your own. You do not want to develop the pattern to rely on others to help you feel better. BUT…it doesn’t mean you don’t ask for help. Here’s the thing Anna, you NEED to know that you can rely 100% on yourself for your wellbeing if you are going to thrive in your life. So a more balanced way to navigate challenges is this: Others are there to support you, but they are NOT there to fix you. That’s your job, right? You are in the baby stages of learning how to navigate all of these challenges on your own. So for now, because you still have a lot of learning to do, take this opportunity to strengthen your skillset. It doesn’t mean you don’t reach out every once in a while or that you don’t ask for help. I do that all the time. It means that others are the support when you need it, but not the MAIN way that you get through something. So here is how it could look for you…..you are feeling alone right now, so you work with those feelings and shift those feelings. There are a TON of layers to this feeling “alone” so work with every layer that comes up with me and with your therapist. Sometimes you will hit a super sticky spot and you need a little extra help. So you may reach out to a friend and say “Hey, I need a little encouragement right now. Can you just tell me that I can do this??” So do you see how you are asking for SUPPORT instead of using someone else to make you feel better? This is why it’s so important to work with the “alone” feeling, because there will be times, even in marriage that you will feel alone. It is one of the greatest, most powerful skills to have such a strong connection with yourself, that when everyone around you is not available for you in the way you need, you have yourself to rely on and you are able to stay strong, connected, high functioning and in your power.
Unhealthy relationships say: “You complete me”. This is a “filling the void” within each other kind of connection. Healthy relationships say: “You compliment me”. This is “I am complete within myself already and you just add to me” kind of connection. (These are very rare by the way, because the majority of people are not willing to do the work). Do you see the difference?
Relationships have 3 parts. 1. You 2. The other 3. The connection. So both you and your guy are fantastic, wonderful people. BUT…the type of connection that is formed between the two of you will determine the success of the relationship, NOT the kind of people you are. So this is where skill and awareness come in. This pattern is already being established between you and him where you are playing small to avoid rejection and he is taking the role of rescuing you by always telling you how great you really are. This is a pattern that will destroy your connection over time. It may take 20 years to get there, but it is a toxic pattern. So instead, I want to encourage you to NOT set up consistent talks with him…not right now while you are in the thick of feeling the aloneness. Get through this phase WITHOUT him and really face yourself. It doesn’t mean you don’t talk to him, it just means you don’t connect from a place of feeling alone. A healthy way to share this struggle with him might be “Ya….I’m struggling with really feeling alone right now. But I am learning so much about myself and really working on building my self-esteem and developing new skills in how to face my fears. It’s so hard, but I know this is so important for me.” Do you see how you are sharing, but NOT asking for anything from him? He will naturally offer his encouragement and support, because that is who he is, but he won’t feel like you NEED it from him. And THIS is what will develop respect and safety within the relationship. Nothing turns a guy off more than feeling the neediness from a woman. A man will respect a woman when he feels her strength and he feels like “She’s got this. I believe in her.” Does this make sense?
Here’s an analogy I like to use to give you the big picture:
Imagine you have to walk across a tight rope (the tight rope is a challenge you are being faced with). There are 2 ways you are going to walk across that tight rope. Terrified OR with some fear, but confidence as well. What determines your experience?
scenario 1 Terrified: You may or may not have a safety net below you. It’s reliant upon whether “others” have put that net underneath you. And on top of that, you don’t know the quality of that net, whether it’s been cared for, whether it’s tight enough, whether or not there are any holes. So the entire feeling of safety is reliant on other people. There may be a safety net there for part of the time, but there also is a possibility that as you are halfway through, others fail you and now the safety net is gone. TERRIFYING, right??? Who in the world would ever feel safe to walk across a tight rope without a safety net??? (professionals excluded of course). This is why addictions are sooooo strong and why so many people are on medications. They are using substances as part of their safety net.
scenario 2 fear with confidence: facing any challenge is going to have some fear. BUT….you are confident because you yourself have put up your safety net. YOU are the one who has cared for it, makes sure there are no holes, knows exactly how tight it needs to be, and you are in constant relationship with it. So now you can walk across that tight rope with your very own safety net below you KNOWING that if and when you fall, you are 100% safe. And your friends, your family, or whomever is part of your support team, they are around your safety net encouraging you and cheering you on. And this allows THEM to feel like your support but NOT your end all be all. They each will have the freedom to come and go as they need to (so they can also take care of themselves if needed) because they TRUST that you got this. They KNOW you are safe and will get across that tight rope whether or not they are there and THIS is what a healthy connection is based upon. No one needs to rescue each other. This is TRUE freedom within a relationship. This is TRUE freedom in life! I can’t even tell you how amazing it is to get to feel like this. I have this DEEP, core knowing that no matter what shows up in my life, no matter the challenge, I WILL get to the other side.
Does this help?
This is why this very rare opportunity of you feeling “alone” is quite special and unique and why it’s soooooo important for you to really dig in and do the work Anna. It’s the opportunity for you to become in a much stronger relationship with your safety net. It’s so easy to run to others to ask for them to help you with your safety net (which is what most people do) but I know you want more for yourself.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Weeeelllll doooooonnnneeee Anna! This is what I’m talking about! You OWNING your beauty, your gifts, your best self. I find a lot of people have a hard time with that for fear of being “arrogant.” I’m glad you were able to get that out of the way and connect to the divine in you and claim it. I love that it feels good too! Yayaya!
I also am loving at how you are connecting more to being a “teacher.” Yes, you are young, but you are wise too! What you believe today will not be what you believe in 10 years, but as long as you are growing and sharing, you will always be a great teacher.
There is a quote that I think comes from Rudolph Steiner (considered one of the greatest philosophers in recent history) “Belief is where thinking stops.” That is soooooo true and something I have learned over the years. My “beliefs”, whether it be about God, nutrition, who I am etc. are ALWAYS changing, because I am open to exploring and receiving new information…ALWAYS. This takes GREAT courage and self esteem to live this way. Most people have a very HIGH need to create boxes (beliefs) that stay the same forever. It’s how they know themselves. But when you have courage to challenge that box and keep “critically thinking” and “exploring the holes in that box” and open to “expanding” that box or switching that box entirely, then you are truly living a life full of possibilities. It takes courage to be curious and let that curiosity take you to scary places. I grew up Christian and was FULLY invested in that view and belief. Then one day, I read this book that completely challenged everything I was taught. It was sooooo scary, as I had no idea how to deal with my belief systems not making as much sense as they always had. Our beliefs will box us in and become part of our identity, and that’s why people tend to stay stuck in the same beliefs their entire life. I want to encourage you to keep “thinking” keep “exploring” keep “expanding” everything you know – and that will make you an incredible leader, teacher, friend, partner, parent. What you did for that mentee was beautiful. I would say…from what you have described about how people tend to come to you for advice….is that you are a great space holder for others to be who they want to be….you are able to love and care for someone for exactly who they are….this is sooooo powerful and incredibly rare. AND…the challenge is…making sure you are not allowing yourself to be used. I grew up the same way….wise beyond my years and EVERYONE always came to me for advice. Some of my closest friendships functioned as me being the advice giver and them being the student so to speak. It’s a very unbalanced equation…and I created my ENTIRE identity around this pattern. I would know others REALLY REALLY well and they would hardly know me. They THOUGHT they knew me, but really, they didn’t. And truth be told, they weren’t really interested in knowing who I was. They liked me because I always had some kind of answer that helped them understand their life better. It wasn’t until my 40s that I got so sick of this pattern where I was the one always helping and giving and they were the ones always receiving. They rarely asked questions about me, conversations were always about them and round and round we went. I was about 48 I think and I finally shifted. I actually cut off ALL the people in my life where that pattern existed. It was time for me to have relationships where I existed as well. So I want to encourage you to be really careful about this pattern. I know 100% that it feels good to be sought after. It was always a HUGE dose of self-esteem for me. It was my identity. I had to really look at the question “Who am I if I am not offering guidance or advice? If I never offered advice, why would people like me? Why would they want to be friends with me?” And I had to connect to my OTHER qualities and make those MUCH BIGGER, so that I felt like I existed in the relationship. I was more than just a friend/therapist. I was seen, I was known, I was held – BEYOND the advice I had to share and beyond the wisdom I had worked incredibly hard for over the years. Make sure that the people that you allow into your INNER heart, love and connect with you for reasons beyond your wisdom. Does this make sense? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this!
And I want to also encourage you….as you are connecting to your greatness, DO NOT apologize for being yourself. For example: So sorry this is so long! You have a lot of feelings. You have a lot to say. You have a lot of thoughts. Why would you apologize for that? Saying you are “sorry” is a word that is meant to be reserved for those times that you have caused harm or messed up in some way. DO NOT ever apologize for being yourself. That is you rejecting yourself…that is you minimizing yourself – you are apologizing for taking up space in our connection.
You minimize yourself with your guy a lot too. For example: I’ll leave you alone; I know you have an exam in a few days you need to study for and I don’t want to take any more of your time! When you apologize to me for writing a long post or say to your guy you I’ll leave you alone, I know you have lot to do….what you are actually doing is putting your self-esteem and self-worth in OUR hands. You make yourself REALLY small and then wait for us to say “Oh it’s okay…you are not bothering me at all” or “you didn’t write too long of a post at all. Keep doing it!” You are setting up both me and him to validate you in some form or fashion by saying that it’s okay for you to be you and you are not “bothering” us. You do this (this is very common by the way) because you have this part of you that doesn’t feel comfortable taking up space with someone. You don’t feel comfortable being your BIG BEAUTIFUL self. Where you do feel comfortable is being as small as possible. So make a rule for yourself….NO using the word “sorry” for something that didn’t cause harm or a mess-up. And let OTHER PEOPLE decide what they need, instead of you deciding for them….so instead of saying “I don’t want to bother you or take up your time so I should go” you instead say “As much as I am loving our conversation and want to keep talking, I know you have an exam tomorrow and you probably need to study and I want to honor that. Would you like to go?” Do you see how that tone is different? And instead of saying “sorry this post is so long” You say “Wow! I had a lot to say….this is a long post. Thank you for holding a safe space for me to share everything.”
Now….I know I am pushing you a bit here….I am asking you to step into your power and OWN every aspect of who you are. I also do not want to overwhelm you, so please make sure that you let me know if I am pushing too much or if you need smaller steps. You are dealing with so much right now and I am not interested in causing you to shut down or activating your low self-esteem. It’s so hard through this forum and just typing, to be able to gauge what is okay for someone, so my only option is to trust you that you will say something if what I am doing is not working or ineffective. I always want to know how to be better for you!!!
Heidi
Hi Anna!
Good job! Thank you for doing this exercise! Now I want you to take it a step further. Much of what you wrote, you followed it up by still reducing those qualities instead of claiming them. For example: “Oh crap, I really do have a bit of strength in me, don’t I?”. You don’t have a “bit” of strength, you have A LOT of strength. You say this about your guy: My guy did it too, and I think he’s one of the strongest people I know because of that but when you do the same thing you only have a “bit” of strength? You have a speech impediment which makes talking extremely exhausting and challenging and yet you still show up and give it a go. Here you say: I guess I would be worth getting to know because I do NOTHING arbitrarily, nor do I say anything arbitrarily. You “guess” you are worth knowing??? OMG do you know how much people crave this quality these days??? No “guessing” Anna. It’s time to CLAIM your greatness. So this next exercise, I want you to create a numbered list of 5 qualities you embody and I want you to write them as a statement. Just 1 sentence. So here is my list to show you what I am looking for:
1. I am resilient
2. I am a gifted problem solver
3. I am a strong leader
4. I am deeply connective and loving
5. I am an incredible friendStart each statement with “I am.”
The thing is Anna….when you CLAIM and OWN your greatness, your speech impediment won’t matter because you are soooooo much MORE than your speech impediment. Your stuttering is just a physical thing….it’s NOT who you are. Who you are is what people care about. Your qualities, your heart, your intention, your support, your authenticity. I know speaking is exhausting for you, but I’m wondering if it’s exhausting because of how YOU view yourself and the low self esteem that seems to be in the forefront of your mind. THAT’S what is more exhausting than anything….having that low self-esteem front and center and then constantly having to overcome that. Imagine having high self-esteem ALL THE TIME. Imagine feeling 100% confident and KNOWING that you have A LOT to offer anyone who engages with you….do you think talking would be as exhausting? My guess is, sure….it might be some exhausting, but not near as much as it is right now.
You have greatness in you Anna and we ALL need that greatness to come out and touch the world. We are collectively starving for love, connection, authenticity, compassion, and kindness. We don’t need you to hide, we need EXACTLY what you have to offer. You are someone that can help heal, just by showing up and sharing your heart with someone. It doesn’t mean you need to go out there and be social all the time…it just means WE NEED YOU to connect to your greatness and once you do that…your heart can lead you into situations where you can share yourself and bring your goodness into the world…however that might show up.
So right now…I would say that your focus needs to be on yourself. It is NOT boastful, snobby, egotistical, grand, or overbearing to know who you are. You are so strongly connected to your limitations and your not so great sides…which is good! But it’s NOT GOOD when you are not connected with your greatness at the same time. God was your creator and instilled your greatness for a reason….so it’s time to own it, claim it, embrace it, and bring it into the world so that you can start bringing more healing energy into this world. You have a responsibility to that because you are MORE advanced than most people. For those of us that have a higher understanding, higher knowledge, more advanced awareness and consciousness….it is our responsibility to help others “wake up” to more of who they are. You are a teacher Anna and you have soooooooo much share.
So how about you share with me what you want to share with the world. What does your heart want to bring into this world to help create change and healing for others?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
So great to hear from you! Thank you for sharing your heart.
Your struggles are your teacher. You want to FEEL as strong as I see you??? Well…that’s more about YOU letting it sink in how strong you really are. The only thing blocking you from feeling your strength, is your low self-esteem. The “weirdo new girl sitting in the back just existing” is the dominant way you are feeling. We ALL have that side to ourselves. It’s activated right now because you are in a completely new environment and away from everything that feels familiar and comfortable…you knew where you fit, how to function, what to expect etc. before…but now…you have a clean slate and loneliness is really coming up for you and the little girl part of you that doesn’t fit yet, is the one feeling that loneliness.
Here’s the thing Anna…imagine you and your guy were married and had a little girl. Then there was a time where you had to move to a completely different place and your little girl had to deal with a new school, new friends, new everything. THAT”S HARD!!!! As her mom, how would you help her through that? You would hug her, you would remind her that she is not alone and that you are there for her, you would remind her of her strength, you would remind her of all her amazing qualities, you would love love love on her, and you would comfort her anytime she needed it, right? Well, instead what you are doing is calling her the “weirdo new girl just sitting in the back of the room.” You are speaking to your little girl in way that just causes her to feel even more like she is alone because her mom is even rejecting her. You say you cannot feel the strength I see in you? Well, how about you write me back and you tell ME….why are you so strong? How are you resourceful? Why are you someone I would want to know and have in my life? I”m serious….write me back and answer those questions.
You are struggling because you are abandoning yourself. You are scared and your insecure little self is in the driver’s seat, while your adult is in the back seat. So get your adult back into the driver’s seat. When your insecure self comes up, listen and be the nurturing, compassionate mother AND you tell her, “I know this is so scary. I know you don’t feel like you fit yet. And that’s okay. It’s going to take some time. We are going to do this anyways. I believe in you and I know you can do this and I am here every step of the way.”
Now…get yourself to the gym. It will help with how you feel. It will help release those feel good chemicals into your body and it will help you feel stronger. It’s a loving thing to do for yourself and it’s part of your self care. It doesn’t matter that you don’t feel like doing it. Commit to going regardless. That’s part of you putting your adult energy in the driver’s seat.
And with all of that….yes, it’s VERY normal for you to feel your “feels” with so much change that is happening. Regardless, it’s just you being you and that is 100% OKAY!!! You just keep working with yourself and loving yourself through your fear! You can do this! I have 100% confidence in you!
Heidi
Oh Anna! My heart is singing from this news! YOU DID IT!!!! I’m so so proud of you!!!
I know it is very scary, especially since meeting new people is really hard for you. But you know what? Every single person struggles with something, so we ALL are equals in our humanity. The most important thing is that you honor yourself and you are gentle with yourself through this transition. Good job for leaving. If that is what helped your nervous system feels the most safe, then that is EXACTLY what needed to happen. Baby steps! You already took one MASSIVE step by moving and taking on this new adventure, so give yourself a lot of space and time – filled with gentle, compassionate self-love – to navigate all the details and experiences that will follow.
And wow! What amazing, kind words your guy shared with you! And even better, YOUR MOM encouraged you to reach out! WOWOOWOWW!!! That is so fantastic to finally have her support! She is able to see you and support you a little better. Gold star for mom on this one!
Can you imagine who you will be at the end of this year??? You have jumped leaps and bounds ahead and will have the strength of an ox soon enough! I am just so honored to know you. You are an inspiration!!!
And as always, your kinds words and appreciation land on my heart so beautifully! It’s always like a warm hug and there are never too many of those!
So how did the first day of class go? I love that you get to live somewhere gorgeous. You should name your home. What is the energy of this home that comes across to you? What is this home going to help you through? How is this home going to improve your life? Your home is a spirit and deserves a name. Just a fun thought! I talk to my home all the time 🙂
Heidi
Hi Della,
There is a misunderstanding. We have gotten a lot of “bots” where a subject is posted, but there is no one writing about their story or asking for help. It’s just blank. So I write “bot” to tag it, that’s all.
There is no message from you, so I have no idea about what is happening in your situation. Did you write something? I got this recent message, but nothing else.
Since this recent message came through, why don’t you go ahead and share your situation and what you are looking for help with.
Heidi
Hi Anna!
It’s been a while. Are you still in this forum? I’d love to hear an update. I imagine you are starting school soon. How are you doing?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Welcome! Would you mind sharing some details about your situation? It really depends on the situation as to whether the “hero instinct” can work.
Heidi
Hi Andisheh,
My deepest apologies for not seeing your post until now.
What is the current update? Did you end up texting him?
I know initially things were going really well and then the communication got spotty. This is a symptom that he is NOT ready to connect on the same level you are. If a person truly is ready, there is nothing stopping them from reaching out and being available. As much as he may want to connect with you and as much as he may like you, his ACTIONS are not aligning and that is definitely a RED FLAG! He is not in integrity with his word and the reasons don’t matter. He has a ton of excuses for not reaching out about being busy, but I will tell you that if he were truly emotionally available for you, his “busyness” would not get in the way.
He also is not even divorced yet. He hasn’t completed the final steps to dissolving his marriage and that is a SUPER big step. I have worked with plenty of people who have all kinds of feelings they didn’t know were there like hurt, anger, resentment etc. that show up once the divorce papers arrive. It’s a VERY important part of breaking the contract of marriage so I always encourage NO DATING until the divorce papers are signed and the person can live for a while and feel who they are as a truly single person.
Someone who is available to connect deeply with you will not be someone you have to chase, or keeps you guessing about how they feel, or say one thing then do another. Those are all signs of someone NOT ready for a deeper connection. A guy who IS ready for you, will be responsive, will initiate, and will involve you in his life, busy or not busy. Isn’t that what you want? To feel valued? To feel clear about how he feels? To feel safe that he will follow through on what he says?
Heidi
WOW!!!! What an amazing moment you got to have with your mom! I love that she honored you, validated you, held the space for you to just get to be what you needed to be….that was powerful. I’m sending gratitude sparkles to her for being the kind of mom you needed in that moment. She may not be able to provide that for you all the time, but it’s in her. She deeply cares and it sounds like she is understanding you on a deeper level. And if that is true, she can help advocate for you better in future family moments. Thank you for sharing that!!! So beautiful!!!!
It also sounds like you are being much more purposeful with your soul deposited. WELL DONE!!!!! It matters….every single time. You are worth loving, you are worth knowing, you are worth investing in, you are worth taking care of. And you are doing all of that for yourself and strengthening your insides…GOOD JOB!!!!
I think the tapping modality is a great place to start. Get to know the patterns SUPER well and do them every single day when you are NOT under stress…so that when you do get anxiety or feel stress coming on, you won’t have to remember how to do the tapping. Your system will already recognize the patterns, you won’t have to think about it, and you can just focus on lowering your stress response. Sometimes tapping will work instantly. Sometimes, I’ve had to go through patterns 100x in a day (literally) because the stress that got activated was really big….it has ALWAYS worked to lower the intensity as long as I keep working with it. I’d love your feedback!
Oh wow! what a sweet sweet lovely message from your guy. He so appreciates and values you. He sees you and man is that powerful, isn’t it? I hope you FULLY received his vision of you and were able to allow it all the way into your heart! That some gooooood medicine!
I had an awesome Thanksgiving! I do a lot of dog sitting, so I took the pups out on an adventure in the morning, then came back and baked a TON of cookies with my mom. It’s just her and I, as the rest of my family is unsafe. We always have the best time together and I am so grateful I get to create these very special and sacred memories together. She is getting older and although she is healthy, she is entering her 80s – you just never know what’s around the corner in the golden years. I am blessed to still get to have her.
Thank you for the update Anna. I always look forward to hearing from you and finding out how you are moving through your life and what’s happening for you. I agree with your guy! You ARE a beautiful soul through and through!!!
Heidi
Hi Grace,
I’m so sorry to hear you are having to go through this. It’s heartbreaking to lose someone.
I just have a few questions.
What do you understand about your choice to cheat?
What was stopping you from communicating what you were feeling?
Did you and your ex have any type of conversation about what happened? How he felt? How you felt?
Do you know why your ex was on your phone? Was he snooping? Has he been cheated on before?
How long were you 2 together?
How long were you cheating? Have you ever done this before?The more information you share, the better. It will help me better understand how to best guide you. This may not be repairable. There are things you can do that will increase the odds, but in the end, it really is up to your ex and whether he is willing to forgive. And even at that, some people just can’t let it go and so they keep snooping, they always carry in the “she cheated on me” in the back of their minds and it haunts them….and there is nothing you can do about that.
So while I may be able to help some, you cannot and never will be able to “fix” or “change” how your ex chooses to deal with this betrayal.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Heidi
As far as the tuning forks, I have used them for quite a while and have about 9 different forks. Yes, dizziness can accompany using them….I’ve personally never had that issue. My mom however, is crazy sensitive, so I have found the sonic slider doesn’t cause her to have any dizzy or nausea symptoms. I understand your nervousness about trying it though. If you feel inspired, go for it! If not, then there are other things to try too. It also depends on where you use the tuning forks, whether they are weighted or unweighted as well. The woman who created the forks I sent you a link to, has a gazillion YouTube videos to learn from. Maybe try it and if it just doesn’t work, you can send it back or gift it to someone else.
Another thing you can try is tapping. That also is an incredibly effective technique I’ve been using for over 2 decades….it’s part of my stress management system. Here is a video to explain it: https://youtu.be/GVg50ox8czo?si=KMMNpufbPJoNr3Et
Tell me about the restaurant. I’m a little confused. You said it was a special place for you and your guy. I’m wondering why it was tough for you to go there. What was the story that was running in your mind that got you into your “feels?”
I am so so sorry to hear the struggle you had with your family. You feel like your feelings do not matter to them. I’m not sure that I understand why they were glaring at you. Can you explain that a bit more?
I am really proud of you though….you went to the bathroom and worked on how you were feeling. WELL DONE!! You protected yourself. Had you shared all your feelings, they would have torn you to pieces and judged and criticized you. You DO NOT need that, so instead, you took care of yourself. I’m glad the box breathing helped a bit.
Maybe this will help you understand what your goal is when managing stress:
When we get into more intense negative emotions, we actually activate our reptilian brain (in the back of our head). We lose access to the frontal lobe where problem solving and abstract thinking live. As long as we are in a high emotional state, we cannot think clearly, so your goal is to lower the intensity, so you can get back to the frontal lobe and better manage the situation. So I like to use a scale of 1-10. You rate the level of intensity you feel – so your frustration was probably pretty close to a 10 – maybe an 8? Anything over a 5, you are going to be in your lower, reptilian brain. Under a 5, you are more in your frontal lobe. So the techniques, like tapping, tuning forks, box breathing, thought stopping etc. are all meant to help you get BELOW a 5….sometimes you still may feel a little activated and the stress or anxiety is not gone. THAT’S OKAY! Your goal, in the moment, is to get below a 5. And then when you are on your own, you can do some deeper work to get to a zero (neutral, no frustration, complete acceptance). Does this make sense?
Thought stopping is a technique I learned in college soccer. I was a goalkeeper and when I would get scored on (which was a lot in my first year – we sucked! lol) I would get so down on myself and I would just say some horrible things in my head. Thought stopping is a way to stop those horrible, critical thoughts. So I came up with a sentence “I’m enough.” When I would make a mistake, the nasty thoughts would flood my system, but then I would immediately begin saying “I’m enough” in my head sooooo fast, over and over and over again….so fast that my brain could not think anything else except for saying “I’m enough.” And I would keep saying that until I could feel my spirit was lifted and I was present in the moment, paying attention to the game. So my “I’m enough” thought was stopping the critical thoughts. Does that make sense? Maybe try that one too.
You have got to bombard yourself with positive, truthful energy as much as you can…even when things are great, not just when it’s hard. Imagine you have a soul “bank.” The positive things in your life, the good stuff, the positive thinking etc…those are deposits and the negative stuff – like the glaring looks that got you frustrated – those are withdrawals. In order to keep your soul bank account in the positive, you have got to make deposits every single day, several times a day….so WHEN there is a withdrawal, you have enough “money” in your account to handle that and you won’t go into the red. So I do all kinds of things like buy myself flowers, massage my feet, watch happy movies, gratitude journaling, tapping, tuning forks blah blah blah….fill yourself up on a daily basis, cuz life is guaranteed to hit you really hard sometimes…and sometimes for extended periods of time and you don’t want to be caught completely depleted. Does this help you understand why the breathing and all the techniques are important?
Hope all of this was helpful…
Heidi
Holy smokes….I wonder what is happening. It’s not your fault…the link somehow is not coming through.
“Psychic Navigator” by John Holland. You can get it on amazon 🙂
I promise…cliff jumping will get waaaay easier. I know it’s hard to imagine, but it’s impossible NOT to get better and more comfortable with anything the more you practice it. You know…I wonder if your body would respond well to tuning forks. Tuning forks are incredibly powerful and work on your body and your energy field. I’m thinking the Sonic Slider might become your best friend! Since links are not coming through well, go to the website http://www.biofieldtuningstore.com and click on “best sellers.” The sonic slider + accessory is what you want. Pick the accessory that is the circuit boot. I carry that thing with me everywhere and use it on my dog all the time. I don’t have anxiety problems, but the creator said it’s fantastic for reducing anxiety. You just place the circuit boot right in the middle of your chest (after striking it to activate the frequency) and you let the vibration run all the way and even wait a few seconds after in the “quiet.” It can calm the body down VERY quickly. Here is a link from YouTube: https://youtu.be/rgRLFWA-fl8?si=CdJpHAdxOjO9DPWd but if this doesn’t come through, just type in YouTube: Eileen McKusick Sonic Slider and the first video that pops up is Relieve Stress with the Sonic Slider™ Tuning Fork. I think this particular modality might be really effective for you! Let me know if you have any troubles finding any of this!
Oh so your family has met him? Paddle boarding is so fun! How did he get along with them? What was it like? Did they enjoy his company? Okay…so you have had a few outings together and it sounds like they were all really fun! Fantastic!
“Just because” texts are about you just being yourself in little bits. So you can start easy…maybe you saw a clip of a dog on a paddle board with its owner and you can send that video saying something like, I saw this and it reminded me of when we went paddle boarding and how much fun we had. Wouldn’t it be so cool to have a dog that would do that? So the idea is to bring in something familiar between the BOTH of you. “remember when” type of texts can be fun and easy ice breakers. Then…maybe the next layer, you start to talk about yourself. You could say something like….”Man…today was a rough day at school. I know this is good for me, but sometimes I really miss the old days in the lab. do you ever feel that way?” Or…”OMG…christmas is coming up and I have no idea what to get my sister. Do you get your family presents? What’s one of your favorite traditions?” Or something like “did you know…..” So you can say “Did you know that Christmas was originally pagan holiday and they used to light a xmas tree on fire and dance around it in ceremony?” So basically, “remember when…” “did you know….” or share something personal – a new thought you had, what you are learning about yourself, a struggle you are facing, a fear you are having, something that made you laugh, a dream you are creating in your mind. And you can always follow it with asking him a question in the same subject….so if you share a fear…you say “What is something you are afraid of?” Does this help give you some ideas?
OMG I totally know the feeling about being so excited and scared at the same exact time. You do have some challenges you are stepping into and it’s completely normal to be afraid. You can do it! If you can stand in front of hundreds of people and give a speech with a speech impediment, you can absolutely make new friends and create a support system. I have complete confidence in you, but like anything….you need to experience it to know it through and through. So you step into this phase of your life, with your fear in your backpack that you will carry with you everywhere for a while…and you keep talking to it like it were your child. Be gentle, be compassionate, validate and THEN…just like what your guy does for you…add encouragement. “I know you are terrified and it’s okay. I am here with you and we got this together. I have face many challenges and made it through every single time. I can do it again. One step at a time right and that’s all that matters. In this very moment, we are okay. We are safe. We are breathing, we have food in our bellies, we have a home, we are learning and growing every single day which is so good for us….so for right now, in this very moment, we have everything we need.” Science has also shown that box breathing 3 times will calm the nervous system. 4 second inhale, 4 second hold on that inhale, 4 second exhale, 4 second hold on the exhale. Breathing actually is one of the most powerful ways to shift your fear, because it directly works with your vagus nerve and fear. There are MANY MANY powerful breathing techniques out there. I could bombard you with all of them, but I feel like you already have enough to look up and research for right now 🙂
Heidi
