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Minh,
One idea about your situation just came to my mind now. What if you share with this guy your intention of START DAITING OTHER GUYS for exploring your love life that you need for yourself. He goes to the dates with other women, sharing his experiences with them. What if you start doing the same thing? You are not sexually involved with him, this is just a mutual friendship that you developed with him recently. You are still a single woman and have your own needs in life. That would be very appropriate for you just to start sharing with him your thoughts about going out and dating other guys. See what his reaction would be, when he learns that you are interested in more in life, than just this friendship with him. If he is agreed with you and not showing any negative reaction for you to start spending some time with other guys, it would a confirmation that you both have a platonic relationship, nothing more. If he gets upset for any reason for you going out with the other men, than I would say he has romantic feelings for you. But he does not know how to let you know about it and trying to make you jealous by going out with other ladies, seeing how far he can get with that. If you notice that huge change in him, than the answer to your question What is all about? would be – He is in love with you, dear. If he does not care, if you start dating other men, than the answer would be – You are just mutual friends with this guy.
Sorry, if it sounds a little bit confusing to you. I am just trying to help you understand this situation with this man.
This sounds like you are falling in love with him, Minh. He might be feeling the same towards you. You may wait for the right situation to see, where all of it is going to. Men don’t like when women are asking them a direct question about the relationship. They tend to back up and pull away, after you bring this topic for discussion. So, if you are OK with this “friendship”, you may stay quiet about the opening conversation. He might say something to you about the feelings that he has for you, or may be not. As far as it what you like, you don’t have to talk to him openly, let him lead you to the direction, where he is comfortable with you, if this is what you feel good about. Being patient some times is better than being “honest”, because your “honesty” is based on what you see, not on what is the reality for him. Your friendship with this man should be going somewhere anyway, and you just “enjoy the ride” for now.
Thank you Heidi and Kanya. Your insights are so helpful for me now. I agree with you both, Kanya just sent me her private response through the Private Question, that I need to decide for myself, if I want to be in this relationship with the guy or move forward. And this man will decide now or later what he wants to do with his life. We had a wonderful time together, I can admit it. During this time he said love words to me very often, and they were truly adorable for me to hear. We both were in love, I am sure, but the expectations were different for both of us. I agree that meeting new people and hoping for the new love to come my way is the best way to be. Some day I will start looking again for someone special to share life together. I just need not to lose my believe that it is possible, because the reality is I am not young and great looking, like I was before. But I am also more matured and experienced and should be more careful now with my chooses in meeting men.
I appreciate all of your online support here and will keep you posted, if something unexpected arrives.
Life is good no matter what you have to deal with. Let’s be happy again and stay opened for new opportunities.Svetlana.
Dear Kanya,
Thank you for being with me here and trying to come up with new ideas. But the problem is – He does not want to give me any answers, he is not opening up with me for those type of discussions. I feel like I am just providing him with his sexual needs and a body to watch sports together. he was not open from the very beginning with me. That is the problem. I was a widow too, and I was looking for some replacement for my husband very shortly after his death. I could not fine any one who would fit in the picture that I had in my mind. it was hard for me to be alone raising two kids by myself. I was desperately looking for a good man who would step forward and give the support as was looking for. No one was able to do that for me, I was young with two boys in my house. All these guys were looking for convenient sex with me, fun and adventure. They were not strong enough to provide me more than that. I am not blaming anyone, my situation then was probably to difficult to help. I decided to do all on my own until my boys are big enough to be on their own. 17 years passed, my boys are grown up men now, no longer need me (my youngest is about to move out and live on his own). I am ready for the new chapter in my life and be with the good man and start new life.
When I met my guy a year ago and started dating, I knew how it was hard for him to be on his own after about 35 years he was with that woman, his wife and mother of their adopted kids. I did not put pressure on him and was patient, and kind, and fun, and sexually adventurous for him. I thought our relationship can help him to realize that life is going on. there are some other ways of living and being happy and enjoying simple moments of joy with a new woman! It was a great time for me anyway, even he might be not planning anything fir the future with me. But when he accepted a new job in his home town and not even asked me what would I do, when he moves away from my area completely (his transitions period is not over yet, because his house here is on sale). I started thinking about that I am not agree with this new situation and feel like I deserve an open discussion with this man to be clear what to do next in my life. He is not opening up with me and just continue visiting me and watching TV together, eating dinners, having sex and going home to sleep at his house alone, like he did all this passed year.
I feel very devastated right now and trying to talk and give him an ideas of possible future together. He does not seem to be interested. I just have to accept it and be on my own very soon. This is very sad and unfair to me. I have only one life too! I am not worthless and don’t’ want to be a temporary place where he can wait see what to do next with his life. I am also very angry with myself that I let some one to put me in this position and use me for the whole year. I am dome with it! I just need to find how to keep myself together and not to create a bigger damage in my life. Please help me understand better what to do.I appreciate all of your help and taking part in my current situation.
Svetlana.
Thank you Heidi,
I like your fresh ideas and will try to use it with my man. However we do have our limits. Like your friend who was in LDR for 12 years with her fiancé had her reasons to do that. I can’t imagine it at my 52 y.o. to start doing it for anybody! I may try to see how LDR is going for a few months. That is it! I am tired to sleep in my bed alone, and only my dog is there with me. I need a human being to share my life with. I am a widow for almost 17 years by now! All these years I needed a family with my husband and could not find it with someone else. I was raising my two boys practically by myself. They are grown up men now. I am tired to be alone. I shared all of my desires with this guy, he knows it. He is not a young man either, he will be 60 this year! We both don’t know how much time we have left in this life. Why create a problem and make things complicated? He was married for 33 years and his wife died of cancer one and 1/2 years ago. His adopted kids are grown up, the daughter lives on hew own now and the son is graduating from college this year. What else could be the obstacles that would keep us apart? We spent the whole year together by dating exclusively and enjoying each other’s company. I feel I am grown up enough to move forward with this relationship to the next level.
But I understand it should be a mutual decision of both people to be together, not like just one of them is ready and the other one should obey and forth himself.
There are some serious reasons that my man has and not being ready to invite me into his life completely. I may find them or not. We will see.I appreciate your response to my “cry for help” very much.
I will do my best with this man.
Sorry for my grammar errors, it is my second language anyway.Svetlana.
Minh,
I was reading your posts here trying to understand better my situation with the guy I am dating to. I think, I may say something what came up to my mind from your story.
You man has set up his boundaries regarding Who he should be married and how it is suppose to be. He has an ideal picture in his mind, but before he met you, he was not able to find someone similar to his ideal partner. May be his expectations were too high, may be he was not just lucky enough to meet that ideal woman and married her.
When he accidently started communicating with you (I understand your met him through the project related to your work) he did not expect that your company would be so pleasant and interesting to him. You both already spent so much time together. He may met his soul mate in you, but because of his high expectations for the marriage, he can’t realize that the relationship with you can go further, than just friendship. This is his weakness that holds him from getting closer to you. He is missing the point, that meeting you in his life is a miracle for him! His ideal woman may be not even exist! And having high standards for ideal partner like how she should be as a person, her age, the ability to have kids with him, is stopping your guy from seeing you as his potential partner or spouse. He is so confused with himself now! You may be the only person who he can share his own life with. You feel very strong about him too. And you are in this position and not asking anything from him, just simply enjoying his company and sharing your life stories, etc. He feels that you may disappear from his life, if he does not initiate a phone call or meeting you at the library, for a example. He wants to be with you and he can’t look at you as a potential life partner. This is his drama!Can you help him to realize in very gentle and positive way that your friendship with him is going too far now, and now it is time to see the reality and realize that both of you are so good together. It may be time to try to move forward and forget about the image of an ideal partner and accept what life is giving you now? Please do not try to set up for him a new “ideal picture” with you. There is no ideal or perfect person on this planet, but it can be a perfect match for both of you. Just think about of what I just said here and it is up to you what you are going to do next about this guy.
With my best wishes,
Svetlana
Hi Kanya,
I want to let you know, that I submitted a new question through this Private Question option in here. I need your help to guide me in this relationship with the guy. He is coming back to my area this weekend and I need to come up with something fresh and positive to be able to handle him now. He did not read my e-mail/letter that I sent him with expressing my feelings and hope to be together later on. I asked him over the phone, if he had a chance to read it, his answer was Not, because of the luck of ability to read his e-mail at new house (sounds like an excuse for me) He keeps avoiding talking seriously about the nearest future. I am out of ideas How to bring this topic for discussion with him. LDR is not working for me at all. Please give me your thoughts, if you can. Thank you,
Svetlana.
If I was you, I would talk with your husband trying to find out what he thinks about not having sex for so long and at the same time being so good to each other in other areas of your life. This is the only I can think of, but I am sure you will get a much better response from James or his colleges in here.
Hi Kanya,
I am back here, since the weekend passed, we spent time together, then my BF left the town for MI. Before the weekend, I sent him e-mail written as a nice letter to let him know, that I want to be with him and take care of him and how nice would be to live together. I did not mentioned the dog, since James suggested not to bring the issue, but concentrate on idea of building the dream. I also said in my letter that I would like to continue talking about the future, when he is ready. My man did not mentioned that he received it, did not talk about the distance issue or dog problem, anything like that. He just enjoyed the time with me, watching sports together, cooking meals at my place, going out, watching movies. There was no attempt from him to talk seriously about what bothers me or him in our situation. I did not bring it up also, since I sent him the text message to check his e-mails and was waiting for any response from him. Nothing happened, he was leaving my place and I just said “I am sad”. He said, I will let you know, when I get home. Shortly after leaving my BF called me saying that next weekend is Mother’s Day, and we can go to mountains having a picnic there and celebrate the holiday. I agreed. None of us mentioned my letter. I did not want to bring it up, because I did not want to be needy and keep talking about the same LDR problem. He did not say anything because, I think, he did not have anything good to say about being apart and how to handle it. I feel he is avoiding talking about it face to face, because he does not want me to hope and plan to move with him at any time soon. He might be waiting till he is completely gone from my area, and how it is going to be than between us and the distance. Until then he just having good time with me without any obligations to anything. I am very sad about it, but I do not want to complain to him. How would I let him know that it bothers me that he did not respond on my letter, did not talk about future plans with me? I feel I am not in his future plans, but I don’t want to sound like a broken record and start this dialogue with out seeing that he wants to talk about it. What is my best strategy right now? To let everything unfold naturally in this satiation and see how things will develop in the nearest future? Or take a leading part and try to start an open conversation with my man, even knowing he is avoiding it at any possible moment.
Please advise me, if you can.You are the only source for me now to find my answer under those circumstances.
Svetlana.
Thank you James and Kanya, I am thinking now how to apply James’ ideas to my situation and start a new approach in discussions or simple conversations with my man. I wrote him e-mail today just to start creating a dream for both of us, not to discuss the issues for now. I feel very inspired by both of your comments above, and I want to be happy in life, no matter what obstacles I have to deal with.
With all my appreciation for your support and help,
Svetlana.
Kanya and Laura,
Please help me to understand this situation I am in right now. This is all about my BF who is gradually moving to another state without asking me to joint him there.
I feel very frustrated after I had a open up conversation with him about Why he is not ready to decide. To me, a year of relationship is long enough time to see how the things are going between two of us, and if we want to be together and live happily ever after. I found out that the real reason for my BF not being ready for me to move with him is my dog! No, he is not afraid of my dog, and all this year that he was visiting me at my place the dog never created a problem for us to spend the time together or so. My man is saying now, that he has big concerns about this dog living in his newly renovated house, where he moved up. The dog is about 100 lbs., and very friendly, but has long clauses and big teeth, so he can damage the new hardwood floors or something else in his house. I said to him it can’t be the real issue to keep us apart and being able to live under same roof. My BF says that he needs more time to think about it, he is not completely moved into the house in MI and still coming here on weekends, so to him is it not a time to decide what to do about the dog issue. I said that I am not going to hang in the air and wait nobody knows how long until he is ready to decide what to do. While talking with my BF, I pointed that long clauses can be cut in short, that the dog can be hold in the basement area, if nobody is at home, and something else can be done in order to prevent the possible damages.
We finished talking today without decided when we are going to come to solution or continue this discussion in the future. But I feel the dog in Not only the issue for my man, there is something else that bothers him, and he may be to embarrassed to talk about it face to face.
I told my BF at the end that I love him very much, and would never give up on someone who I love, and who depends on me, and I am not going to get rid of my dog just to be together with this man.
What am I going to do next? Can you help me to figure it out? You two were so supportive for me, please help me to understand the situation.Svetlana.
Thank you Kanya! I will try to talk to him again, may be. It seams like he is avoiding talking with me about any relationship issues. If I schedule like you suggested, to continue talking about LDR for next weekend, for example, He will be agree to do that just to avoid talking about it right now. It sounds like he is trying to get away with no talking at the moment I brought it up, not really wanting to continue the open conversation at any time later. I feel like I am chasing him this way by trying to straiten things up regarding LDR or other topics. This is Not a good position for me to be at, since I truly believe that women should be chased by men, not backwards. They have to pursue us, otherwise they lose the interest in the relationship. To keep the man in that set of mind (He is chasing me, not me pursuing him) is the goal of the relationship.
This is my theory for now. I am trying to practice it with my man.Sincerely,
Svetlana.
Dear Kanya,
I read this book and continue learning from it since last summer. I was trying to initiate an open conversations several times on different issues with my man, and did Not get any clear answers from him at the time of talking nor later. He seams to be not interested to talk about the future with me, and just enjoying the present moment. We have so many good present moments, but the future is unclear to me. I feel like I am the only one, who wants to talk (or thinking about) the future with my guy. This is not right, and it does not feel good to me. That is why I am not doing anything like trying to open him up again about LDR. He knows what I think about it already, he said we will work it out. I am giving up an idea of opening him up again. I feel very frustrated that he said “Let me think about it” and never comes back to me with his ideas. I do not want to be the only one who initiates the open conversations. It is very hard for me now. I am just ready to watch what my man is going to do After he is completely moved from my area.
Please wish me the best.Dear Kanya,
Thank you for staying with me and supporting me and giving me your thoughts about my situation.
Here is the thing, my man is not good at talking to me openly. When I mentioned that the idea of him moving to MI alone would break our relationship, and I was not willing to continue as LDR @ that time. He did not say anything about it. It is always hard to get a strait answer from him on any tricky subject. He said “I need to think about it”, and never comes back with the answer. It makes me feel so frustrated, like I am the only one who cares about how to solve this issue. He seams to be not giving too much efforts to work on the issues. I do not want to be the only one who plays the role of working on some issues that we have, like how the LDR would be managed, if we Have to go through it for some time. He says “we will work it out” and nothing else added to this statement. I feel like he is avoiding to discuss difficult matters with me, and he may be not able to do it without hurting this relationship. It costs me a lot of efforts to start talking with him about what is bothering me, I feel like some resistance in him, and the open discussion does not go too far. It looks like I raised the issue, he listened me, reply we will work it out, and that is it! No continuation of this dialogue happens in the future unless I am bringing it up again.
This is all makes me feel like I am on my own, and working on the issues in relationship is only my business. I do not want to be the only person who has to say it loud and put the pressure on my man, if he is not able to get any ideas or solutions for us. Sometimes I feel like I am ready to give up all of it and see how it is going to end up. I think, it may be the only choice for me now.What do you think?
I appreciate your ideas in my situation very much.
Dear Laura,
Thank you for being with me in my situation. I feel like I need to be more clear about what is going on with my man. He still comes here (South) on weekends, since his house here is on sale and suppose to be sold soon. He stays up North on weekdays and come to his house on weekends. For now he can afford doing it, since his job has a flexible schedule. It is not like my job in the office, where I Have to be Mon – Fri, from 8:30 AM till 5 :30 PM. For now my man can afford to travel that much and we still can spend weekends together. This can be for a few more weeks, that it will be over. I am very realistic about the terms of this location transition for him, and do not want to wait till the last minute to ask, if he wants me to relocate or not. I have deep feelings that he is not going to do that. Do not get me wrong, I am very positive person, but in this situation I do not see the evidence that it is going to be turned into my favor.
Svetlana.
