[claire]

Hi Spyce,
To answer your question about keeping a partner at a distance is due to a fear of intimacy for me. The reason for a defined space is financial, family, and sanity. I do not want the financial responsibility of supporting someone else nor have them take half of my pension because they lived with me or we were married. Which then leads to my children – I have a high risk job. If I die and not common law/married, my pension/life insurance goes to them. Ensuring their financial security is intact. I also do not want another man to come into their life and disappear. They have had enough of that. Sanity wise – I do not want to be arguing about the toilet seat, laundry on the floor, leaving crumbs on the counter, taking out the garbage, all of those daily chores. No matter what you say, every single woman out there knows about the toilet seat and laundry on the floor. 🙂 I enjoy have some solitude – its time for me.

I live in isolated (fly in fly out) communities until I was 35 years old. Communities ranging from 300 – 5000 people. I feel what happens in living in small remote places a person begins to lower their standards of what their ideal partner is. That is what happened to me. Not a fear of intimacy, just lowered my standards and settled. When I separated from my ex, I was in a city of almost 100,000. This man I dated for 6 years, he checked all of my original boxes. No extremely lowered standards this time. And yes there was a connection, yet it was not “world disappearing” feelings when I was with hime. He is a musician. I loved watching him play because he loved playing. I would get lost in watching him do what he loved, yet I never got had the whole world disappear when I was with him. I never felt safe, secure, wholly connected. I feel I was settling and if I didn’t move for work, the relationship may have still be going. With me accepting it that way.

I reflected a great deal today about my fears. I been on many dates in my 45 years, and yes I am scared I will never find this blissfully erotic peaceful safe feeling where I lost between nothing and everything. I never felt this before. Yes I am going to put myself back on the dating scene. I know I will be searching for that same feeling.

This man, we’ll call Ken, is super successful in his career. One looking at him would see a hard working, dedicated, decision maker, hard working man. Family focused, community orientated, and compassionate. No one would think for a second he would be afraid. Oddly it does make sense that in his fear of loosing me, he decided to leave. Ugh.

The positive in this, I experienced this incredible emotion that I thought was a made up Hollywood fairytale. I will not lower my standards because the lake is small. I just move near the ocean and put the hook back in. Try again.

At this point, I am unsure if I will contact him for closure.If I go on a few dates and feel awkward, I may need to clear the air. A good friend of mine once said, “no response is a response”. I think that is very true. He very much pursed me. He may have thought he was ready, yet he obviously was not. I’ll follow the old saying, if you love someone one let them go…

-Claire

[claire]

Spyce,
You are right – what am I waiting for? Yes, I do think “He has to come to his senses and realize how awesome I am”. I feel I needed to hear the bluntness.

It is confusing when men do this. This was an incredible connection with explosions that I can say I have never experienced before. Letting these feelings go and relationship die is not easy. “Will I ever find this again?” lingers in my mind. And to start all over again……..uhggggggggg.

My past – married and been separated for 8 years. I was in a relationship with a man for 6 years. He is a wonderful kind confident man. He was ok with having a non-cohabitating monogamous relationship. No drama at all. We made plans, ok if we didn’t see each other every weekend, ok if we talked 10 days in a row and then not for the week. Family and work came first- both of us accepted that. Maybe not liked it all the time, yet understood that. Why did it end…I moved for work. Too far to continue the relationship. We remain friends. (We were friends before.) Which is not unusual for me. (actually introduced a boyfriend from jr high school to his wife. Im better friends with his wife lol)
I can tell you though, I knew that the 6 year relationship would end at some point. The relationship worked, we got along, yet there was not that deep intense soulful connection.

I know what type boundaries I want in a relationship and I knew I wanted to find that “oh my God this is it”. I can say I didn’t really feel that when I got married. I went through the stages and thought I was in love and found the one. Young and fooled. With that said, I am not friends with my ex husband. He became an alcoholic and I could not and would not put up with it. He chose alcohol.

Tonight I accepted that I am putting myself back on the dating scene. Yet there is an “ugh” with that. I think you asked me what would I say to him if he did contact me. Spyce, I don’t know. I am really unsure. I know I won’t be running into his arms or anything- I will be guarded and sheepish. If that makes sense. My trust, or my belief in him, is gone. Understand what I mean?

If he contacts me 2 weeks from now, a month from now, two months from now – to say ‘screw off numbwad’ is not me nor is it being mature. I am a kind hearted person – marshmallow heart. Soft and squishy, yet you burn it the outside gets crusty and hard. I know I can be a friend after a relationship. I do have to keep in mind maybe he cannot.

I was not expecting to write such a long response to you. I would like to be prepared and have an idea what to say if he does contact me.

Thanks Spyce.
-Claire

[claire]

Incredible woman not increasing woman 🤦‍♀️

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