[Laura]

I think it’s unrealistic to expect to jump into a serious relationship even though there’s a rom com fantasy in which I think that’s what I want … but I know this would only lead to toxicity and the eventual break down of the relationship again. I want to do this right and in a healthy way I just wish I knew exactly what that would look like. I’ve been trying to sit with myself and figure out what those assurances are but it’s so difficult. I would like assurances that he is taking this seriously , there is potential to build towards something real and long term and that we’re both going to put in effort to construct a good foundation. But I do have fear around letting him back in and if it becomes toxic or push pull then the amount of stress I’ll experience . Any advice ?

[Laura]

Hi ,
After bumping into his sister and her husband on Saturday night he reached out the next day and has made a plan with me for this coming Wednesday. Thoughts ? No indication from the texts where his head is at but considering the previous discussion and what I shared in the thread above he knows I need some assurances. I’m nervous to ask for them though and would like to be able to let the relationship progress naturally and not put pressure but I do know I need something to make my emotional investment again worth it. Any guidance for leading up to Wednesday ?

[Laura]

That is an idea I will certainly think about

Based on asking to ‘postpone’ our plans and needing a ‘breather’ and saying ‘we will make a plan soon’ I’m wondering if I should just try to do exactly what you said face the fear on my own and trust that it will come back if it should … what do you think is a reasonable amount of time to wait based on asking to postpone our plans before I consider reaching out and trying one of the tactics whether asking for help or inviting to see each other

[Laura]

Thanks Heidi
I appreciate your honesty and analysis on the situation.
I want to clarify that he has indeed ended it with the ex for good and expressed to me that he does not have feelings for her / in love with her anymore and has realized that because he had those feelings for me. The advice you’re giving me is exactly what I did when we first parted ways because of his unresolved feelings for her. But now that he’s come back and told me he feels this way about me , only to now be asking me to postpone plans and put off seeing me to cool off from everything is in line with what you’re saying he needs to do , work this out emotionally before he comes badk. My fear still lies in the fact that he said he knows I want a long term relationship that he needs to make sure he’s ready for , and I didn’t realize expressing that could push him away as I could see how both sides of this situation could be stressful for a man and cause him to run. I just want to invite him to explore with me again , but i recognize that the chances of that working out are better when he’s taken that time he has said he needs. I’m wondering if there’s anything I can to do invite less fear into what stepping back into a connection with me would be . So that it doesn’t feel like this massive decision that needs to be made upfront . Does that make sense

[Laura]

Hi Heidi
Thanks for responding and your insight.
Truthfully these are all the things I’ve told myself and I do realize everything you’re saying.
However the reason I purchased James book is to see if there is anything I can do in this situation. Whether it is his 12 word text or different signals , the program makes one feels as though they are empowered to influence the situation and steer it to their desired outcome. I am having a hard time figuring out how to implement this since he has only postponed our plans and theoretically will be asking to see me shortly. As I explained, the tumult of ending this 10 year relationship for good comes with emotional baggage and I can see a man being scared that jumping into a relationship could bring similar emotional pain or challenges and pressure and stress. The timing here sucks but I think our connection is worth fighting for. I just want an opportunity to show how it would be with me , I need a chance. And I’m reaching out to ask for guidance on using some of what I’ve learned in this course to reestablish the good with us. Because I agree with everyone you’ve said and I’ve told it to myself but isn’t the best things worth fighting for and is there a way to get what I want. I mean the course literally advertised itself as helping you to get someone back , why would the advice now be to continue this logic of he’s not chasing me so bye …

[Author]

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