[Lisa M]

Hi Heidi,

I know you told me that i Should hold off on opening up my heart, but I’m so done for!
I’m so totally into him!

We are trying to take things slower, but we are having a hard time with that. I’m meeting his family on Wednesday (his birthday). He’s already like my best friend. The way he looks at me, just makes me feel so……loved. I did something last week that may have made him
Upset and i told him and apologized and he said he wasn’t upset at All and he laughed at me for thinking he’d be upset. I had been a little nosey. He didn’t care.
We celebrated Valentine’s Day last SundaY, and spent the night together. When he thought i was asleep, he brushed my hair softly away from my face, kissed my cheek and pulled me closer to him.
His therapist has told him to slow things down so we can enjoy every new stage together. We are just enjoying each other so much! His mom sent him some articles about love & the Bible so we downloaded an app and we are doing these love devotionals together nightly too. I’ve never experienced anything like this before. We are trying to figure out when & how we Will introduce our kids to each other.

Could I have really found the one?!

[Lisa M]

Heidi,

I guess everything happens for a reason! I have started dating someone new already! He lives a couple hours away from me, but he’s game for nightly FaceTime calls.

I thought I liked the last guy, but there were big red flags i ignored that we just weren’t a good match. This guy is already a better match! We have kids the same age, and he’s looking for the same thing as I am and is comfortable dating with the intention of looking to find a best friend and get married (and abstaining until we are more serious).

We’ve got dates lined up. We are both wanting to get back into shape so we are planning to have work out dates ☺️, and i have a gala to attend in April that he immediately said yes to when i asked if he’d like to be my date.

It’s a totally different feeling already and I don’t feel confused at all about whether or not he likes me or wants to spend time with me!

[Lisa M]

I finally heard back from him & im mortified. Here’s what he said:
“I’m sorry, it wasn’t my intention to ignore or ghost you but I also wasn’t expecting the onslaught of texts from you. I wasn’t saying I never wanted to see you again I was just saying I wanted to do my own thing this weekend. I have enjoyed getting to know you and enjoyed your company and I think you’re a sweet woman but honestly I haven’t really felt a connection with you and I’m not feeling like things are going to go any further between us. I really am sorry.” (3 texts is an onslaught?)

I’m glad he said something to me, but man, what a JERK! So, if I hadn’t sent him those texts, he’d have continued sleeping with me, knowing he felt zero connection at all, and knowing how much I liked him and how vulnerable i was.

I’m so mortified, i feel so sad, stupid, and pitiful! He felt no connection?! Wow! That’s probably the worse part!

[Lisa M]

Hi Heidi,
“It’s over already, and i can’t tell you how sad i am and how stupid i feel.
I asked him if he wanted to do something this 3 day weekend and he said “i just feel like doing my own thing this weekend”. It felt Cold and impersonal, and was just a red flag for me. I wrote him this:
I’m sorry that I’ve been so forward and assertive. I for sure feel that I’m just a little more into you than the other way around, and maybe that’s not what you’re looking for. I’m a bit hurt and disappointed, because I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, and the sex is great…. the page I’m on i guess is wanting to spend time with someone who is intentional about spending time with me and matching my energy. I understand wanting your own time and space, but I believe i am deserving of a little bit more enthusiasm.”

I’m really really sad, and I don’t know why. It was so early, but I really enjoyed his company. I didn’t get a good feeling from his text and I thought….you know, it’s super early on but he knows enough about me to know I like making plans. He totally could have set up plans for next week sometime, and I’d have let things be & told him to enjoy his time. I think I deserve that. Maybe i was too forward? I did things all wrong. I spent a few hours swiping last night and didn’t find anybody else I was remotely interested in. I hate dating!

[Lisa M]

Hi Heidi :),

I did apologize to him and told him it was My own issue, and he did nothing wrong. I also told him that despite th fact that he did nothing wrong, the fact that he responded in a way that showed me he cared about my feelings and that I so appreciated him for that.

I guess it’s not a waste of time, because I’m enjoying myself with him, but it’s my own thing to feel like I’m not valued. I also can’t see why someone like him, would be interested in a single mom with 2 special needs children, and so I’m highly suspicious.

Although I like going out on occasion, I find “dates” exhausting. Spending time at his house cuddling up & watching a movie and having a glass of wine was definitely my speed, but is it indicative of how much effort he wants to put in?

After being with my ex for nearly 10 years, and him telling me I have no favorable qualities except what I can offer in the bedroom, I’m not adept at figuring out if a man really likes me for me. I keep wondering if he likes me or if he’s going to disappear.
That’s what makes dating so daunting for me

[Lisa M]

Hi Heidi!

Yes, I’m trying to just take things slow and relax. I haven’t taken sex off the table though. Am I ruining my chances to have a serious relationship if I continue that?

I was away nearly a week with my son and the day after I got back, he had a bday party to attend for his dad. He said definitely maybe we could still get together that day and I didn’t like how that made me feel, and i wrote this to him:
I apologize for being crass. I was just giving you a hard time and using sexual humor to mask how i really felt. Def spend time with your fam because it’s important. It hurt my feelings a bit to be put in a category of “maybe”, when it comes to your time. It’s ok to say tomorrow or another day works better. It feels like an afterthought or a booty call to say we will see how it goes, and have no actual plan. Despite me obviously being interested in having sex with you again, I’m also interested in having someone set aside time for me that feels like they’ve set aside the time for me. I’ve put myself out there with you (perhaps a bit too much too quickly, given my inexperience at dating right now), and I have felt waning interest on your end. Am I feeling accurately?

His response was:
Hey I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings or make you feel like that. Definitely maybe was a joke and I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings by it at all. You’re right I should’ve just said today wasn’t good bc of family stuff. I meant we’ll see how it goes bc I would like to see you and thought I could do both but it would’ve been too much and too difficult. I know you must feel vulnerable by putting yourself out there and I understand and appreciate that. I really am sorry for hurting your feelings and making you feel like that, it was never my intention.

Then he asked me to come “hang out” the following evening. I suggested I’d like to have a glass of wine, so he picked some up on his way from work (asked me what I wanted).

We watched movies, cuddled on his couch and held hands, and eventually ended up sleeping together again. We snuggled and talked for another couple hours after before I had to leave because….kids and he had to wake up very early for work.

I’m now waiting for him to set up the next time we see each other, but I’m sort of hoping it’s during the day, so we can go and do something together.

I want to take your advice by not asking anything and keeping it light, but i don’t want to waste my time with someone who is nice, but just not that interested in me. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong.

[Lisa M]

I do think it was Very thoughtful of him to ask yesterday when our flight was departing today, and message me just before we got on the plane to wish us a safe flight & great trip. I do think he’s still interested, but I know i Need to be careful with how I move from now on.

[Lisa M]

Hi Heidi.

Oh you really struck some cords with me!!! Yikes, that’s a scary message to send to someone new. I suppose i should have been more clear with him and waited a bit. He’s told me in conversation that he doesn’t like clingy. It makes sense that he’d pull back. We did exchange some messages yesterday and he said that he absolutely wanted to see me when i get back from my trip.

I know i said he’s a catch, but I do think i am too. It’s a big package though, me and my 2 very young kids, and both are autistic with my youngest having health issues as a transplant recipient. He knows i have abandonment issues, because of my ex husband making himself scarce when our youngest was ill as a baby and now not being willing to take the medical training to have our kids outside my home. I do own my own home, that i bought after my ex left me in a mountain of debt. He does have a sister with 3 boys who went through a nasty divorce and he’s got a close relationship with his 3 nephews, so being close to his sister should give him an idea about what it’s like to be with a single mom, no? He’s also dated other women with kids.

Is it too late for me to tell him that I’d like to date a little more intentionally, given my situation? I don’t want to rush anything, and I’m not looking to get married right now, and probably would not even introduce anybody to my kids until after 6-12 months of serious dating. How do i approach that conversation? I don’t think i can spend time at his home anytime soon then, because I think I’d be too distracted by our physical chemistry, which is significant. How will i know when the right time to be physical is again? Can i be physical with him and let him know I’m open to casually dating and getting to know each other, but not casual sex? I guess i wouldn’t feel comfortable with him having sex with other women If we are being physical. I really complicated things by sleeping with him too soon i guess.

I know what you mean about the stress factor! I remember being attracted to a man i made friends with while my son was in the hospital for many months. I was staying nearby at the Ronald McDonald house & his niece was in the hospital too and he was staying and caring for her twin. We spent a lot of time meal prepping together and having the littles plat together, but we never got together. He told me later he had feelings for me. Anyhow. We were at the grocery store once and there was a situation at the counter when i was paying and i got very flustered because it’s a situation my ex would have gotten really upset with me for and this guy smiled at me, rubbed my back and told me to relax. It was a great experience to have. I hadn’t had any romantic feelings for him until that moment, it wasn’t even on my min given the situation at the time. I’d love to have that kind of opportunity with this guy to get the same sense for his true personality.

I’ve done talk therapy, tapping, meditation, and EMDR. I guess I’m just scared to be vulnerable, and having sex made me feel very vulnerable, because i really have not had many partners and i feel so silly for getting really swept up in the moment, and I was very much the aggressor. He had told me we didn’t have to, and he was comfortable going at my pace, even when we were halfway dressed and i hesitated. He told m me we could stop if i was feeling as though I was uncomfortable at all, since it’s been so many years for me. i think that only made me more swept up in the moment because he was so considerate.

How do i go forward from here? What do i say to him when we see each other?

About my body and heart being sacred…..yes I do truly believe that, but i do have ADHD (diagnosed) and often act impulsively (not generally with sexual partners, considering I’ve not had very many, but I tend to go with how I feel in the moment, and given the fact that i haven’t been alone in a room with a man in a long time, I’m not as in practice with thinking to myself about the situations I put myself in, and I’m a little ashamed to say that I do feel very very physically attracted to him, which took me by surprise because it’s always taken me much more to feel very physically attracted to someone and safe enough to match that with chemistry and the desire to take my clothes off in front of them, if that makes sense.

Thank you for making me examine my mixed messages, and hopefully help me navigate moving forward.

[Lisa M]

Well, I’m pretty sure he’s not interested anymore! His daily good morning text didn’t come this morning. Not even a happy new year text. 🙁

[Lisa M]

I wanted to add that he texts me every 2–3 hours. Asks me about my day, has never left me on read and is all around pretty consistent. I just don’t know how to read things! I’m too rusty and traumatized still from my awful and abusive marriage & divorce. I’ve done a lot of therapy & a lot of work, but the trauma hasn’t disappeared.

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