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I’ve been having another weird anxious day today out of nowhere. He’s been gone all week working an hour north and I’ve been stranded at my place again because the mechanic installed the wrong Parts three different times on my car and it’s in the shop again. He didn’t text me this morning for the first time and I woke up super early and then got on Facebook of all things and managed to get blocked by an acquaintance of Mind who’s a friend of the defamer Becky because of a very mildly snarky mood I was and I suppose. He said early thia week that he’d lwt me know if he would be picking me up to spend a night up there but then Wed I asked and he said he would be here for the weekend. Maybe he forgot or maybe I unwittingly pressured him just by wanting to know the plan. We haven’t been able to talk all week due to horrible phone reception. He didn’t text or try calling today for the first time. I am reviewing my notes trying to recapture my anxiety proofing from before but having trouble today.
I am clairaudient and a voice or guide speaks often to me in clear statements. Yesterday the voice gave me two pages of words, including “broken heart” and “his job.” 🙁Hi Spyce,
Yes I think the timing was sloppy on my part. The erectile issue seems to have resolved itself after he was out of town for a few days on a job which caused him to miss me. He is dutifully wearing the nasal strips which do help a lot. Last night it fell off his nose and so he snored a lot which was hard for me as I don’t feel comfortable telling him every few seconds hey can you please roll over so you’ll stop snoring, but we didn’t know the strip had fallen off so I’m being patient and decided I’ll get earplugs if I have to, a real change in my stubborn pattern up to now.
He brought up last night that he is at a 40% level of trust with me right now, partly because it takes him a while to build that for someone when the future is involved and also because he has been mistreated by the women he has dated in the past (former family friend and baby mama creating fake Facebook accounts and posing as him so she could post bad things to trick his family, Becky being controlling, etc). He also said my communication isn’t as good as it could be, which I can’t help but agree with him on. I’ve committed to reading John Gray’s Beyond Mars and Venus and will try to remember when I’m upset about something to calm down first and maybe even wait for an opportune time to bring it up with him.
He is so masculine, competent, and intelligent that often I find that it just goes better if I say ‘okay’ or the humorous to me ‘yes sir’ and allow him to take the lead. I am such a strong and intelligent woman that I’ve always needed a man who gets how to handle me, not so much in the sense of tolerating me but rather in the sense of knowing when to call me out etc. It’s a little hard to explain, and maybe because the feminist movement seems to have been hijacked by wokeism, but I realized soon after the miscommunication we’d had that I would be very happy regardless of whether he did what I wanted or not. He treats me that well.
The other day I noticed my anxiety level was off the charts, and I recognized a familiar pattern to past experiences with other relationships where I, either subconsciously or just with a feeling of helplessness, allowed my anxiety to sabotage the relationship.This time I made the decision that I don’t want to drown in that feeling and would rather be confident and be myself.
I was somehow able to switch from anxious to confident by making the decision to. Maybe I’m getting more emotionally intelligent or mature or something, because I recognize how profound that was/is. I’d done my first guest artist of the month shift at a gallery all day, having borrowed his car due to my mechanic’s having messed up my car. He’d been moody/grouchy the night before, even after I’d given him a massage when he said his back was killing him. I realized I’d been over-functioning and allowing myself to turn toward anxious thoughts. After my shift I returned his car and got my dog. He was supposed to take me home but told me he’d made plans with a good friend who would drop him off at my place later, so I left for my house.
Instead of chase him down for a secure feeling of closure by saying goodbye and reconfirming our plan, I just decided it was okay if I put the dog in the car and left. Although acting on my own sense triggered a twinge of fear, I didn’t feel any drama about that really so I figured why should he. I got a hot shower, fed my cat, cooked dinner, listened to music, and wore the new lengerie I’d bought for his ‘non-present’ and which had just arrived, very late for Christmas. I really enjoyed slipping fully into my new practice/pattern of confidence and being myself rather than dwelling in anxious thoughts about him.
He called around ten and asked me if I’d do him a favor by picking him up, saying that his friend had gotten too drunk to drive and that they hadn’t gone out after all. I noticed that I didn’t feel any resentment or disappointment but rather genuinely found myself saying yes. I added yoga pants and a puffer vest to the lengerie without shoes, drove over, and hung out for a little while around the table with him and two friends. That was when he said we are at 40%, which I didn’t totally understand. The ride home surprised me for how romantic he was. He took the wheel so we could drive slow on the back roads (private property, a POA) and we could talk about his 40% comments. He reaffirmed that I’m his girl and that he’s got my back etc., which was just so nice. I showed him the lengerie I’d gotten as his non-present and got sincere and amazed compliments as he realized more of what a catch I am.
At my house he said something about how I’d been acting weird and it had made him feel weird too. That was when I’d been drowning in anxious thinking. I told him about my decision to stop feeling anxious but didn’t feel comfortable admitting I’d chosen to feel confident instead so just said something about being more peaceful or happy. He said he needed me to stop worrying and be confident. I am often surprised by his insightfulness and intelligence.
While I do feel a little pressure to grow in the ways I need to, knowing someone is observing and needing me to, I like my new choice, which affords me the peace of mind and time to change on my own in my own time. My attitude is that even if I should fail in this relationship the work I do to grow in the areas it has helped me to identify will serve me well in any future relationships.Hy Spyce,
This morning I tried to bring up the issues of him snoring and not being able to get it up. I said I thought it was due to his excess consumption of alcohol for the most part and would like to spend more time with him when he is sober. I must have said things totally wrong because he got up, got dressed, became defensive and made statements indicating he thought I was trying to fix him and make him quit smoking and drinking, that I’d given him an ultimatum, that I was saying he is the problem, and that I’m not happy with the relationship.
I felt frustrated that I couldn’t seem to get across to him, even with words like ‘we’ and ‘co-create’ and ‘together,’ my desire to talk about a few things and maybe come up with a decision/plan/solution as a couple. I finally felt like my only option was to reassure him that I’m very happy (which I am really – if nothing changes I will get earplugs and enjoy the awesomeness of our relationship and him as it is), that I know it will be okay, and that I love him. He seemed to finally believe that and we parted on what seemed like more or less positive, understanding terms. But I am left with anxiety over having possibly driven him away by failing to communicate in a way he could hear. It feels like it would have been better if I’d never brought it up. Like maybe I’m creating issues that aren’t worth the trouble.
I get the sense that in this forum or in coaching in general the tendency is toward ending toxic relationships as with Jeremy in my case. I may be wrong about that, but I’ve followed the advice of coaches in the past with negative results. Some coaches have been right as well, but I sometimes wonder if ideas of how women should communicate with or relate to men aren’t realistic in the context of the real, human men we are dealing with.
Thoughts?Hi Spyce,
I know what you mean, and I have had to rewrite like that before myself at times; usually it turns out as good or better.
The issue we are having is around him snoring, which keeps me from sleeping. I read an article before about erectile dysfunction, and it cited alcohol, smoking, and stress as the biggest factors. He is maybe 20-30lbs overweight as well.
I will gently ask if we can discuss it and form a plan together. But I am wary of unintentionally saying it the wrong way. I have many experiences with people getting upset when I bring up my needs.As a bit of an aside perhaps, the fiancee of Eric the defamer must have discovered his cheating and pedophilia because we heard she urinated on his things amd he called the police then asked the other defamer Becky to wait with him. Crazy will be crazy. But Dustin was right that they would fall of their own accord. He said I don’t need to worry about them coming after me. I did some anxiety work and was able to calm my fears of what Eric and Becky are likely plotting to do next. Because Eric is obviously into blaming anyone but himself for his problems, and Becky is clearly so invested in maintaining her status as the supposed “sister everyone wants to F” that she never told his fiancée about them having slept together and is not calling him out for how he brought the cops in to handle his fiancée’s reaction.
Hi Spyce,
Same here so nice to reconnect with you too!I brought it up to Dustin before Christmas, and he said he had been planning to discuss it with me after then but we went ahead and spoke about it. I said I had been noticing his step father being disrespectful to him and didn’t like to see that. I said the solution is to regain or recreate a place of his own. He said the guy has always been a jerk and that he wanted to see if I would like to spend more time at my place together after Christmas. He also said we can build a place for us and said he thinks the right way to go about it is to put a structure on my land before we do one on his. I feel this is right too, as it provides for me even with a fear I will leave him after he invests the money and labor. I also fear it not working out of course as with any relationship but my greater sense is why place arbitrary, fear-based blocks in the path of what is obviously a love with real lasting potential.
We will begin building in one month he said. Meanwhile he said he will help me finish setting up my BnB in a week. I guess we are both ready for such a serious commitment.Regarding his toxic ex, she is of course plotting to sabotage us, but he said ahe and her accomplice will fall down of their own weight so to speak, so we don’t need to do anything other than remain cordial. She made a comment that my dog would be good if someone would only work with her, and he immediately called my dog and did so; his ex slunk off hoping no one had overheard. So he has solid boundaries with her.
He is my very first decent boyfriend, and so I am finally experiencing what it’s like to be treated well.
Hi Spyce,
Didn’t get notified of your response. Dustin turned out to be the real deal. He is affectionate, serious, and present. He spends time with me regularly, helps me with things, and trains my dog.
The erectile dysfunction is something I will give him time to resolve.I didn’t see an answer to my last post to the other thread so I assumed it was closed or something.
We did discuss it and will work something out involving us both spending time away from his father in law and him regaining a place of his own.Not sure what is going on but I can’t access the last page of this forum thread. Anyway, Spyce you asked, “Why would you want to connect with people of this caliber? People who are disrespectful, ugly, disgusting? There’s a part of you that feels like these are your people, but you need to change that way of thinking.” You are right to call attention to that, and I believe it is a result of my having been abused as a child by those who were supposed to care for and protect me. It made it clear I wasn’t valuable to them, and then the bullying drilled it into my brain that I was ugly. We also lived below the poverty line while I was at home, and so I felt dirty as well. Ugly and dirty are two of the words you chose in your question.
On a positive note, I accepted Dustin’s offer to bring firewood for my burn barrel, as I wanted to give him a chance to show me if he is consistently forward or is capable of restraint and to learn more about this man before casting him away because he scared me a little.
He showed on time, behaved like a gentleman, and gave reasonable and clearly sincere answers to my questions about Becky and his being so forward (he acknowledged being a little intoxicated and apologized). He also provided some insight as to her over-confident stance, revealing that she shows up on his porch to use their wifi and that his mother tolerates rather than actually likes her.
He professed his desire to seriously date me. I figured since he hasn’t given me an actual reason yet to say no to what he is offering, and he is offering me exactly what I’ve been wishing for, I’m going to say yes to him and see how it goes. There is something to be said for giving people second chances and being open to possibility when it comes to getting what you want.
I am waiting as long as I possibly can to sleep with him. I’m not very strong in that department, and there is a certain point after which it can begin to feel artificial in some cases, which I feel this to be one. So my goal is to hold off on that until our Christmas party date and then give in to love. Who knows, maybe it will stick.
The next time we spent together he picked me up on time, introduced me to his family, including his 4 year old son, mother, and step-father, fed me dinner, took extra time to make veggies for breakfast tacos, and drove me home before work.
I want to follow your guidance and allow good people into my life. He does seem to be one. I’ve asked him why he has feelings for a woman he’s just met, and he told me “you know this is real,” and that he knows I’m his girl. It is what it is: probably an imperfect human with mostly good qualities looking for love. If he loses interest I would I guess have to surmise I must never sleep with someone or allow their professions of love to sway me for a solid 3 to 6 months no matter what and start all over. LOL
Hi Spyce,
I see myself as real and strong, but I have been told I have a power to me. The dysfunctional types have always tended to react to that. I have often been told I am good looking I guess. But I don’t make much of it. I even said to Dustin the nth time he remarked about how “gorgeous” I am that it’s a useless skill (that only leads to being hated or abused).I feel this meeting was a form of witchcraft in a way, both by the strange way Riley passed Dustin off on me and later responded to Dustin’s exclamation that I was his date with the words, “it’s _” and seemed to get away as soon as be could. A good man would not invade a respectable woman’s personal space. The fact that I was afraid to push him away and say, “I don’t know you” or “step off” and walk away indicates it was a trauma beacon that reeled him in. I felt embarrassed and didn’t know what to say or do. I felt disrespected. Yes I liked the attention on a certain level but as you’ve pointed out before attraction has nothing to do with a need to act on that physical chemistry.
I have been feeling anxious for my safety since the party too because I told him about Becky which brought out that I had, alomg with several other people, witnessed Eric hit on a girl he knew was 14 at the pool last summer.
Becky is known as loose lipped according to my own toxic ex of 3 months, Nik, whom I dumped when he began verbally abusing me. Jeremy informed me just after the defamation that Eric had targeted me with the false claim that I propositioned him because I was the new kid on the block (with no one to stand up for me and no reputation yet so easily destroyed). Becky had told me Eric had cheated on his fiancee Sarah with Marcia. Jeremy informed me Eric lied to Becky because if I told Sarah he could claim I was doing so as a rejected woman. (Yes I realize Becky and Eric live in a soap opera straight out of high school.) The way Becky revealed herself was by turning to me one day at the tail end of last summer and saying, “you propositioned Eric.” To which I replied, stunned by her sudden abrasiveness, “What? No I didn’t.” And then her true colors came out when she replied, “yeah ya did.” No question or anything just a vehement accusation. When I confronted Eric about it he said I had asked him at a recent potluck if he wanted tp get a plate. That’s what he used as a description of how I had supposedly hit on him. The two are crazy town and maniacal I surmised.
Becky told Eric’s lie to my former new friend Skye who instantly became cold and distant toward me, making excuses to avoid admitting she had chosen sides. Becky also told Wes, who happens to be Jeremy’s uncle in law, which is how Jeremy was able to inform me Wes had started looking for someone else to fill the position he had hired me for, handling his eBay antiques business listings. Becky is close with Wes. Eric also tried to get his 1099 boss Casey not to repair my solar system by spreading his story to him, which I was afraid of. But Casey told me he has experienced being lied about and told Eric the story had nothing to do with me. Casey confided to me later that he was slowly putting distance between himself and Eric but was afraid Eric might burn down his house so was being careful not to upset him.
This is what I am dealing with. Trauma is like a coat you wear, shiny to other predators who recognize it’s familiar glow. I have been attacked in many ways by these types of people everywhere I’ve lived. I ruffle them just by being me. My ex Nik told me Becky’s friend Missy (called a narcissist and crazy by several people I’ve talked to and obviously as I have observed in person), with whom he is friends, told everyone after he and I had left a party that I was “too perfect for their group” because I wasn’t overweight, alcoholic, or backbiting and so must be in the CIA.So there you have it. It is scary but I am innocent so I continue going to events and try to remember to have good posture and hold my head high so the miserable swine see I will not be taken down by deceit and treachery. And yes, defamation is a crime. My attorney just sent a cease and desist letter to both offending parties (Becky and Eric). I hope they receive it. I don’t know their mailing addresses and put the letter in care of the local American Legion.
You know it’s interesting because I’ve been stranded out at my place in the middle of BFE for a week and a half now due to my car breaking down and the mechanic being out of town, but I actually have not been lonely. It’s been an interesting experience to say the least. The mechanic returned to town a couple of days ago and had me very very carefully drive my car to his shop. Then he gave me a ride to a potluck where for the first time since moving out here I felt pretty dang comfortable and included. His wife was nice to me, and that felt reassuring because she works at the rumor mill infused minimart. One of the dancing ladies was also inclusive toward me, and I felt good at the event. I don’t know if that sense of belonging will continue or not. It might have just been one of those moments. But it’s possibly something to build off of over time.
Another thing is that someone introduced a man to me, and I’m not sure if I should start a new thread about the new person but I do think I would like to get some coaching around any man who shows an interest in me that I might have some interest in too. Plus it’s a little complicated it turns out.
Pros:
1. He did ask me to be his date to a Christmas party and I accepted, all of which felt good.
2. Three of his friends took initiative to tell me they have known him for many years and vouch for him being a good man. Like they saw his interest or our chemistry or something and wanted to reassure me. I am not used to being seen but I understand men are observant creatures and whatever I tried to hide from they saw.Cons:
1. He was very complimentary and physically affectionate, which made me feel a little uncomfortable and I would like help navigating. Most men who have been super into me at first have lost interest in me before any relationship develops.
2. He told me he dated the woman who defamed me (for 3 years). I realized he is the ex she had said she was concerned about moving back to this area. She is clearly mentally unstable and toxic, so her take on him carries less weight than his on her (he said their relationship ended because she is crazy). But the drama she will no doubt bring with her apparent belief that all her ex lovers are still hers in some way or something like that is a deterrent (her ex lover Eric is the one who fed her the false claim that I had hit on him and which she spread around, causing me to lose my job).The issue is essentially that I (and I feel ashamed to say it) don’t know how to keep a man. I don’t know why they lose interest. I just recognize this latest man’s intense interest as similar to that from other men who lost interest in me suddenly. I wonder if I can slow this one down somehow or he is simply another of the type who pulls away and that I need to avoid like you’ve said.
What do you think?The corrupt government.
I never see or hear from Jeremy. He spends time with Marcia but I guess you’re saying he doesn’t treat her well. To me making time for someone goes a long way.
People have always said it will work out but it never has. I’ve never mattered to anyone at all, my entire extended family included. At this point all I have is quantum physics. Which is everything. It’s probably going to be about uncovering the sabotage, what I get out of being on my own in life. I sense it has something to do with meeting either bad or unavailable people.
But that is a catch 22 or a snake eating its tail. To have one must feel like one already has. Simple but challenging.
It took me several years but I’ve just manifested the SEO answer I’ve been hoping for. Part of why I am not with anyone is that most of my time is spent on survival. I am working every day to build some kind of income.
As I get older I wonder what is the point anymore since I spent my peak age alone. I am kind of tired of trying and hoping and wish the desire to be important to someone would just go away.
Anyhow, I have been stranded now for a week but only today felt a little pang of lonesomeness. And the mechanic is getting back soon to fix my vehicle so I can go where there are other people.
It has always been this way. Wherever you go you bring yourself. No different from SoCal other than weather and noise level. And I suppose income.
I suspect becoming ready for a partner involves inner work to allow someone into one’s world. The distant ones don’t challenge strict boundaries against being harmed again.
After writing to you I went ahead and corresponded with him a little because he seemed to be truly upset. I delivered the sandwich and it seemed to lighting things a little bit.
Me: Real friends communicate honestly, acknowledge needs, and allow for emotions.
I found myself wondering what kind of friend would say he has zero time for me then ask me to feed his dogs so he can go to a show but doesn’t invite me to the show.
It made me feel very good to hear you say you really care for me. However, your actions don’t seem to match those words. You said you’re afraid of losing me. Well, here’s what I need: frequent and regular companionship, something in between when you first moved out to your property and how it’s been lately. I do appreciate the time we have already spent together.Him: I didn’t ask you to feed my dogs to go to a show. I asked you to feed my dogs because I didn’t plan on going to the property and that was the truth. I was going to bed early and the show got drug up by some guides. Also I offered to pay. I wasn’t taking advantage, I was asking as a friend. I do consider you an awesome friend and I haven’t singled you out either. I haven’t played dnd or anything even once since I’ve been busy too.
But he just disappeared again as usual back into never initiating and only responding if I text him. So I had pretty much just given up without really much of a clear idea what was going on other than my sense that liars will lie and I am not getting my needs met yet again in relation to a man or friend.
Then yesterday my car broke down so he was one of the people I texted especially since he said his life purpose after military service is to help those in need and he claims that I am an awesome friend. He came over but left his car running and said he still didn’t have any time and it was ‘guide life’ but that there will be times when he won’t have any work at all and that his other friends are also stressed out. But then he brought up that they hadn’t been rude to him like I had and that it had bothered him for quite a while. So I apologized for that aspect of it. He didn’t hear I had said sorry. I did explain again to him that sometimes people are going to get angry with each other and that no one’s perfect in fact when he had lied to me I was really cool about it and told him nobody’s perfect and let it slide. He said it wasn’t about me. He definitely seemed distant and was clearly still upset at me. Even though I asked if we are good when he changed the subject to my car and he said yes. He was about to get in his car with no hug until I asked for one.
On some levels I feel like his take on friendship is over my head, also I fear being taken for granted and not valued as much as I should be, used, etc. The experiences I had being bullied for so long by males causes me still to have a very difficult time trusting anybody. When I met the love of my life at age 19 I just couldn’t believe that he actually liked me. I thought it had to be a big practical joke wherein he and his buddies were just waiting for me to believe him so that they could all laugh hysterically that I’d been so gullible. Needless to say I sailed right past that once in a lifetime boat in the night and have regretted it ever since.
Living in town or a city has never been any different for me. I have usually met toxic or unavailable people like I’ve told you before. Out here doesn’t really seem to make much of a difference in that regard. In that it’s not that different than living in a city. For instance when I was living in Altadena, CA, north of downtown L.A. I didn’t meet any more people that I’ve met living out here. I’ve actually made a couple friends out here and the other residents tend to throw pretty regular gatherings. If I feel alone at them until I’ve bonded with people in those groups it’s not different than it was in the cities in any way. I’m still connected to the friends I’ve made in other places I’ve lived, albeit I’m the one who usually reaches out because I don’t have any family which I gather occupies most of their time when they’re not catching up with me.I am of a mind to take Jeremy at his word because he seems pretty serious and emotional about his take on things with us. It’s challenging in multiple ways to keep someone in my life who provides virtually none of the things I need from a friend. An ally is more what he seems to be, at least lately. And it hurts and offends to know he makes time for someone I see as a crappy person, the observably gossipy, slutty, doormat, scheming, mentally ill Marcia. If I felt he had some time at all for me, even an hour to actually sit down and talk, I might have brought up that it didn’t make sense for him to be so upset for me being really direct and angry with him when he kept Marcia in his life and barely did anything other than just talk sternly to her when she was just horrible to me.
I’m guessing the truth of this situation is somewhere in the middle of trusting him and working on building up my life as usual as all the coaching programs say a woman must do before she can attract a mate. I’m going to make the decision to communicate with him in a way that I would communicate with anybody and not try to push him away with angry language that like that I.E write him off.
As far as moving in the pain in my chest I do with what a relationship coach had told in that I had to leave Oregon where my abusive father had kidnapped me to and where I therefore felt trapped and go somewhere that felt better to me. Going back to California with something I always wanted to do because it was where I was born. It proved to be a very liberating and joyful experience for me, and surviving on my own in Los Angeles was really an experience of proving to myself that I can hack it in the real world and don’t have to hide in a place like Oregon where you can skate by so easily. Out here I have felt a few things in my chest area as it were, but mostly that ever-present dull ache has dissipated.Me:
“Regardless of your having used me and lied about everything, out of consideration for your poor dog I am letting you know he’s come onto my property four times since the goat pens show, has a bloody hole in his leg, and is out in what will be freezing temperatures tomorrow if not tonight. Please at least handle that if you can’t anything else.”Jeremy:
“What the hell do you mean?
How did I lie or use you???
Plus he has an awesome insulated home i built for him that he uses and I tended to his leg after the fight he had with Neo. I’ve been home everyday a bit for the last 4
Wow, could have just talked to me and I would have told you all of that
Why are you coming at me so sideways all of a sudden?
I’ve got my dog, please worry about your business instead of coming off angry and rude towards me.. If Kai roaming onto your property to see your dog is an issue, that’s your business and state that. I will take care of it if so.”My first reaction to this was actually annoyance and then it turned into fear that he would somehow make my life out here more of a living hell. And then I calmed down and I thought he is gaslighting me.
Rereading his response to paste it here for your feedback, I wonder if he is actually just oblivious to me having any feelings or needs. It’s confusing. To him there was never anything wrong at all and I am overreacting or being dramatic or whatever it seems. But I didn’t enjoy being left completely alone for weeks months on end with no messages either, while he spends his free time with other people and goes out without even telling me about events let alone inviting me. I expected a friendship to include regular companionship. I don’t want one with no contact. I know I am not being unreasonable. But it may be that we are simply a terrible match, if he really simply and honestly wants that little contact with me as a friend.
Yes I forwent the sandwich and texted when I was angry. A part of me doesn’t care anymore I’ve been so unhappy for so long now with his choices related to me. So maybe I sabotaged. But I feel like a real friend should allow me to get angry at times. And make regular time to spend with me, include me in stuff. So I think he is just lying and protecting his sense of himself or something by responding like that.
***
Yes Ive tried various energy work. No dice. Moving from OR to CA eased the constant dull ache in my heart chakra. In Texas I mostly don’t feel it either.
In manifesting the ladder I felt solid about my decision and then forgot about it. I took a minute to look at the space and decided exactly what I wanted to put there.
With things like being loved and cared about and included, there is so much of an emotional charge from a lifetime of suffering in that area it is extremely difficult for me to handle it like I did the ladder. It’s very difficult to let go or forget about it. I am stuck reordering it over and over as if I were trapped in a restaurant. The absense of what I need is too palpable. I keep very busy with meaningful projects, but it’s on my mind every day. The steps of the LOA require that a goal is released, but more important that it be understood as already having been made real, just not physical until the manifestor lets go the needing, wanting state of it not being physical yet. It’s frustratingly easy-impossible. The time lag between the thoughtform and the physical means my loneliness and resentment keep popping me back into lack. I haven’t yet been able to sustain a feeling of having it already long enough to actually have it in the physical.Hi Spyce, let’s see..
I was renovating my RV to come out to Texas and had a moment one afternoon where I looked at a spot in my RV that made the most sense to me to place a ladder up into my loft, and then I went on a walk; on my way home I discovered the exact ladder I needed in a free pile on the side of the road.
It feels totally out of reach for me to have a good man by my side because I lived through 9 years of daily bullying and public humiliation by 3 males with whom I went to school. Nobody ever stood up for nor otherwise supported me during that time. One male friend actually pulled me aside to say he couldn’t continue to be friends with me because people might assume we were dating. Another classmate I had a crush on told me when I approached him that it was shocking that I could even consider the possibility of him actually liking someone like me. All of that intense/passionate rejection/dislike by males ingrained very deeply in my psyche.The only model of a good relationship I can think of having observed was a former friend I had to break off from when her controlling behavior turned toxic. She had it all, the attractive husband, a house, family, looks, best friends, and a kid.
I don’t know their dynamic, just that she got everything she wanted seemingly through not giving up easily.
My personal life is more or less empty. I spend just about all of my time in total isolation. If I don’t go out, like to a cafe or live music shows, I only catch glimpses of other people when they drive past or exchange brief pleasantries with the minimart cashier or the FedEx driver if I get a package, which is pretty much always something I ordered. I have a loose assortment of friends in various locations, but not ones who visit me or initiate often. No one ever comes over. Jeremy did everyday for a while between when he moved onto his land and got a new job. I had a boyfriend for three months before connecting with him. That man was abusive so I broke up with him. If I make the overture and effort, I can visit my friend Laurie an hour away. Leralee I recently met but she is moving far away soon. Katie is distracted and never around but had me over recently after many months of no communication and I guess moving an hour away. I made the acquaintance of a group of women who perform a dance annually in the community. One of them is holding Thanksgiving at a community center and sent a group invite. I never hear from (nor want to) my family as they have all to a one either abandoned or abused me. The girlfriend I made over the summer betrayed and backstabbed me by defaming me to my boss and mutual girlfriends, resulting in my losing the job and being given the cold shoulder by the former mutual friends. My closest neighbor has always been cold toward me (the man I dated briefly said she gossips about me). I guess that is the gist of my social life at present.
The hat is special but I got a different one wit the the same function and if he returns it great but if not I am beyond the stuff excuse to connect right now and can wait to ask for it back if it comes to that. The dog doesn’t know we are no longer friends (or never were) and he needs water coming this far so I just have the (albeit probably transient) relationship with the dog and don’t bother bringing it up to his human for now. If it gets to be a problem I will bring it up without emotion like you said.
I look forward to hearing your thoughts regarding my block around having a solid partner in life (or even close friends).
Jadene
