[Jadene F]

Hi Spyce,
Due to financial considerations, I will not be renewing my membership on the 17th. It has been a pleasure to work with you and I appreciate your efforts to help me.
I have come to the point where I can see through the veil that the people who have mistreated me my whole life, that type of person that has always mistreated me in one way or another, is almost like there to teach me how to not be bothered by being mistreated. I was condescended to today by two local men who were so triggered by my opinion being different from theirs but also something they didn’t prefer to hear, that they felt it was appropriate to be condescending and dismissive.
Meanwhile my neighbor’s house burned down while he was 7 hours away and I was the only neighbor who called him.
I’m not going to run away from people who don’t like me. I’m going to allow them to see me and dislike me as long as they can tolerate themselves reflected back at them by their mistreatment of me. I’m going to live my life the best I can in spite of them. I’m going to work as hard as I can on not allowing their meanness and craziness to push me off my path or make me feel lonely. I’m going to try to focus on the people who like me and are nice to me. It is hard being alone, but I think it is worse being in a crowd of people who are like that. That is how it was for me in Portland, Oregon, for 12 years, and I’ve never been more unhappy than I was there among that coven of narcississ.
I don’t think that I’ll ever stop that type of person from being awful like they are, and I don’t think they have the emotional maturity to learn from my decency how to be less toxic, entitled, and maniacal. My guide called me their medicine, and from the repeated and obvious attacks over nothing, I have come to believe that I am like you have said more evolved than they are.
These narcissists are just like all other, just like my mother and brother; the more distance I put between myself and them, the more I want to live and the happier I feel. When my neighbor whose house burned down sincerely thanked me and told me I was the closest thing he has to a friend here as well as a really good neighbor, it was one of many reminders that there are other people like me and that black sheep matter.
🙂
Jadene

[Jadene F]

No I do not believe that. I have been friendly and upstanding for over two years yet have consistently been excluded and rumor mongered by the in crowd and those desperately climbing the social ladder to fit into it.
The girl said hi to me at the cafe but I didn’t stay to talk. She and her boyfriend moved tables and then left. But I have been mistreated, ripped off, and abused so many times that I am proud of my new ability to not pursue people who make me feel bad. I always got into abusive relationships by overlooking things that made me feel alone or unsupported, so her failing to prioritize the person who invited her in the first place and instead spending time with someone who would not even look at me was a bright red flag. And I’m going to head it.
I would rather be alone than treated like I don’t matter by people I’ve been nothing but friendly and helpful toward.

[Jadene F]

No I went right up to her as soon as I saw her and said exactly what you’re suggesting actually. She acknowledged me but kept talking to the woman she was exchanging phone numbers with and so I apologized for bothering her but that was the extent of the entire interaction we had at the event she was at because I’d invited her.

[Jadene F]

The market is saturated since the property taxes went up and many people are selling. I received a clairaudience message the night before last: “debt must be discharged,” which was an odd wording so I intuitively felt it might be a metaphor or should be investigated. So I looked it up yesterday morning and was astonished to find an entire body of information about legally discharging debts. I appear to have spiritual guides telling me relevant things.
I’m also applying for an FSA micro loan. The process is likely to take longer than I have.
The listing agent finally responded. She said the lead I sent before wanted to do everything himself from a scratch. My landing page addresses the difficulty of getting the essentials built, but I have to figure out how to get it in front of potential buyers.

I went to a spoken word event last night downtown and had been at a cafe all day before that. A woman who’s just moved here about 4 months ago to be with her boyfriend, whom I met at the cafe with my dog, spoke to me and I invited her to the event. She ended up going on her own rather than meeting up with me to go and then she spent the intermission talking with somebody who wouldn’t even make eye contact with me, exchanging numbers with her and never once coming over to talk to me. I went over to her but it didn’t go anywhere at all so I moved on. I did get a text from her I guess sometime probably around then but didn’t receive it at the time because I don’t have cell service. I feel like I wasted my time investing in her and was used as a source of the invite. I don’t know what to think. I feel dissed and embarrassed. I don’t understand why that other lady wouldn’t even make eye contact with me like I’m some kind of untouchable. I don’t know her and I’ve never spoken to her, only seen her around. I guess she must have heard a bunch of the gossip that’s going around about me. It’s the only explanation I can see making any sense. It didn’t feel good. One of the MCd looked me up and down three times, too. Do I have a sign on my forehead?
I guess you’re right about trust issues.. I really don’t trust many people at all based on how horrible so many people have treated me. I usually just give up at this point and walk completely away, chaulking that person up to being one of the people more concerned with having people around them than being real.
On that note, that morning the girl who defamed me a year and a half ago met up at the cafe with the bar owner who kicked me out. I experienced feelings of unfairness about it. But I also tried to tell myself that the caliber of those people is equally low so of course they’re sitting together.
I think come November I’m going to make a move to leave this place if I can, of course depending on the election. If the cabal retains their coup then I’ll have to figure out how to be happy here in spite of the horrible situation I find myself in.

[Jadene F]

My LinkedIn post about selling my property got 110 impressions, which I guess just means that it was displayed 110 times in view of people. I created a landing page and added a link to the post which has been getting fairly steady impressions since the two months it’s been up. However, I don’t get the sense that there’s any way I can come up with the money to buy the property I’d like to get. It seems like I’m going to have to somehow figure out how to get Law of Attraction going in time to purchase it by March 6th. So my hopes are not high.
The reason for wanting the property is that it has soil tilth and mature tree cover. This means I could grow fruit and nut trees a lot sooner than I could on my property. And overall this is my one big shot to own land, as I come from a very poor family, have no support, and blew my one little wad on achieving my dream of owning land. It would be a big mistake to give up what I worked so hard for.
I don’t really know how to answer your question about the social side of it because frankly a person like me who tells it like it is and stands up to perpetrators is always going to be hated by them, and it’s never been any different really anywhere else I’ve ever lived, except of course this place doesn’t have as many people for me to befriend as other places where I’ve made more friends than the one friend I have here. Does that answer your question?
As far as the guy who wanted me to house sit while he went to Hawaii goes, I think it just comes down to how a person makes you feel. I am not interested in house sitting. The fact that I hadn’t seen him in 2 years and he wanted me to house it for him while he went away on vacation just tells me that he’s not interested in forming a friendship with me. Maybe you see it differently, but maybe this speaks to my standards being higher in certain ways, even though I’ve accepted really horrible boyfriends in the past, having I guess very low standards without realizing it, but often being mislead by these men or in some cases just not seeing the huge red flags that everybody else saw but didn’t bother to warn me about. Does that answer your question about that?
My latest attack was from a guy I had been working for cleaning his Airbnb unit, and this happened yesterday. He texted me in the morning to fire me and made a bunch of nasty statements about me that were unnecessary, based on I guess his attempt to document minot performance imperfections as his reason. I guess guests had left a handful of dishes in the external sink and I hadn’t placed them back into the unit and hadn’t taken out the trash in a bit of filled one of the bird feeders. That should have been it, but then he made a demand of me, telling me that he expected me to deliver his linens and propane that day. I told him I didn’t have any of his linens and that I was busy that day and would drop off his propane the next time I was headed that direction. He wouldn’t accept this and became hostile. He threatened to quote unquote tell everybody on Facebook what kind of person I am, at which point I told him that I hadn’t done anything wrong and and that if he was going to do that then that spoke of his character not mine. I also invormed him that his propane would be left out on the road, to which he again tried to claim that I was stealing his property, which I shot down of course because I wasn’t. And indeed the propane tanks are gone this morning showing that he had someone come and pick them up. I’m not too bothered by this because the guy was obviously just a really disgusting person, who used harassment and intimidation to try to manipulate me after making a mountain of a molehill.
I trigger that type of person by standing up to them. It’s really pretty formulaic in a way. But I’m just not willing to be treated like that. Maybe a weaker person would have tried to remain in his good graces even though he was abusing them. But I’m just never going to do that. My Google review of the bar where the owner punished me for the conduct of a member of his clique has gotten 37 views so far.
Over the past few days I’ve made a lot of progress on the studio storage shed that I’m building as well as a portion of the perimeter wall that I’m building. I have a rustic recycled wood entry archway, and I’ve gotten several layers stapled on to the parts of the studio walls I’ve completed for eventual application of adobe and plaster.

[Jadene F]

No I don’t feel I’ve ever really had a good friend except for maybe Jo, who is 73 like I said so she’s not going to be around a lot longer; but she has shown me the kind of friendship that is healthier than most. I really do need friends to go out with though.

The housesit Hawaii guy was using a move I read all about years ago. It’s a form of negging or open disrespect, to get a woman to take care of his dog or home while he jet sets off on vacation; I recognized it so was not taken in like the dumb girl he was looking to use and put down. I’m walking through a specific kind of door, an invite to something I enjoy and need; 75% of the work seems to be walking past the wrong doors, those offering things that make me feel lonely, like taking care of somebody else’s house while they gallivant off in the tropics without me., like a maid. So I guess to answer your question it’s about how a person makes me feel.

I’m praying for a financial miracle so I can acquire the property to the north of me, and a political miracle so I can return to society in safety. DlMost people don’t know that blood scientists around the world have found and filmed in the jabbed what they describe as “metallic objects that self-assemble into microscopic squids and begin building chains?” Because of spike protein and DNA shedding from those who accepted those injections, plus the pedophile serial killer satanists who pushed them vying for total world tyranny, it simply isn’t safe to leave the boonies yet.

The most walkable city in Texas is expensive. Austin has been overrun by socialist radicals. San Antonio might be an option. If I can stabilize my income I will plan an exploratory road trip. But leaving means giving up my lifelong goal of owning land and returning to the rat race, rent, and utility bills.

[Jadene F]

I think the solution ultimately might be to leave this place and go to a city again. I am not finding much information about other cities in Texas however. It seems like one lady who lives out here with her husband and kids thinks New Braunfels is good, but I was looking on best places.net for information and typically for most cities there aren’t many reviews and some of the reviews I’ve read about some areas of Texas I’ve already tried to look into are negative, even going so far as to say they are very much like here just all gossip and exclusion. If you know of a better source for information about locations like a good city to move to that would be helpful.

I find myself missing Los Angeles County occasionally. I encountered some horrible people there but I also met some people that were fun to be around and nice to me i.e. friends. I still didn’t have the social life I wanted however even there. And then I had that relationship with the guy who was having an emotional affair with his ex because she had managed to stay in his life through her kid with another guy. That kind of hit me hard. But at least I could go on Tinder there and meet dates and there was that possibility of eventually finding a boyfriend again.

Obviously it’s not safe to go back to Southern California at this time, with the Socialist coup regime bringing in millions of criminals and the crime skyrocketing in places I used to live, even Southern Oregon and Portland. By November things will be clearer. So I’m stuck here at least until then. I really don’t want to give up on owning my own land, and I currently don’t have the means to be able to buy land anywhere else. I’ve always been pretty poor my whole life and so this was my one big shot. My property is actually for sale but the market is flooded and so we haven’t had any offers in almost 4 months now. But I guess I’m willing to go back into the bigger world again for my own well-being, I just think it will be good to wait until November election results.

Really nobody has approached me and asked me to do anything here except for Jo my 73-year-old friend. I just went over to her and her husband’s house last night to watch a football game. I might see her maybe once a week. The other day she was talking about how she only wants to live until age 77. If I got invited to do anything with anybody out here I would say yes. But that doesn’t happen. What I was talking about at the cafe was that somebody who had a horseshoe tournament several months ago that I went to had said hello to me while he was in line and I was sitting at my table at the cafe the other day. He never invited me anywhere or came to stand by my table even. He was one of two people who spoke to me that day, a rare day of being spoken to.
I found that if I don’t stick to the strict natural hygiene diet that I’ve switched to the pain comes back. So it’s very difficult because on days when I go to town and I eat improperly combined meals because that’s what served at restaurants and cafes, it doesn’t bode well for my digestion. I bought a parasite cleanse but I’m kind of scared to start it because it’s two full weeks and is kind of complicated and I hate tinctures which it includes. But there’s a possibility there. I don’t really have all the symptoms that they talk about for parasites but I do have a couple. I tend to eat chocolate in the mornings for many years it’s been a habit because they say dark chocolate is good for you. And coffee is liquid but still probably not the best. Today I’m going into town even though it’s 14° right now and it’s going to be 20° when I go in, as I am participating in a poll worker training. But I’ll be able to pick up those books at the post office that I ordered that give me recipes so it might make it a little easier to use this diet correctly. It’s not really a diet. It’s just a change in the combination of foods and the timing of when they’re eaten. I always knew that someday I wanted to go on this diet for the rest of my life, and I thought it would be at age 30 but I kept putting it off.

Anyway yeah I don’t feel valued or wanted or appreciated or even seen in my life and I never really have and it’s starting to kind of come home to roost. Before I left for L.A. I gave my mother and my brother one last chance to show any kind of caring for me and they failed so miserably at that that it really kind of hit me very deeply that there is nothing I could do even the remains of my nuclear family just do not care for me. So I went down to LA to be near a cousin who had always been friendly with me but Ihad not known very well and it turned out she was the most abusive horrible person worse than my father even. So I was just in the world at that juncture, totally alone having exhausted all possibilities as far as family connections go. Coming to Texas was like a final bid to have something in life after that. A lot of hope was basically killed when I faced those people in my family that I had always hoped might love me if only I did this or that, like move down to be closer to them because they certainly weren’t doing that for me.

Because it’s so cold, I’ll probably be at a different cafe, one where I can sit indoors, rather than my regular cafe which is outdoor seating only. The last time I was at the indoor place a man I had had a chat with when I first moved here 2 years ago approached and talked to me as if we were picking up where we left off 2 years ago. But then he started texting me wanting me to house sit for him while he went to Hawaii and wanting to give me a dog. I was disgusted to dlrealize it wasn’t friendship he wanted but a form of disrespect, so I told him I was not available to watch his house or take his dog and I haven’t heard from him since of course because that’s all he needed from me.

My laptop is my only real life, but it’s really just work not life. Telegram is great, and I follow amazing researchers. But it’s not social really, rather more information sharing. Facebook is of course totally empty false connecting that never goes anywhere real. My dog did cheat on me all day last week by going to a new neighbors place. He is nice to me on Facebook. But for some reason I don’t feel motivated to go over there and try to make friends. Maybe I can stop on my way home and chit chat with them or something. I don’t know. Sandy hasn’t asked me to coffee in return, even though she said let’s do this again after I invited her. Am I supposed to just be the one who initiates and suck it up? I could go to the Legion, which is a 15 minute drive away. The stand in commander doesn’t give me a good vibe and after being fired from the nearby farm for reporting that saboteur I have avoided that part of the “community.”

Yes I am stuck in a negative frame of mind. I will force myself to take theanine and ashwaganda today and listen to Abraham-Hicks. Maybe that will help.

[Jadene F]

I’m alone all the time and go everywhere alone. I sought out an idea, a hope of meeting and having fun with good people whenever I went out for the last 30 years. But it pretty much never happened. In the rare instance that it seemed to, I had to ignore a strong current of nasty assumptions on the part of the group and then be excluded at one point or another, typically for not sleeping with those who’d propositioned me or for speaking up about their inappropriate advances. It’s been a shit show of a life.

I’m trying to kill off the hope of meeting good friends. The habit of hoping for this is 30 years old and stubbornly ingrained, despite never producing fruit.

My mood has dipped back to struggling to reach a happy frequency. If I am not working on my laptop I find I am bored and do not feel like being outside or pursuing anything worthwhile. I marathoned a TV series yesterday when I should have been reading the book club selection. I think this is a bad place that attracts malicious or fearful people. I have to hunker down though until the election, when the world will know whether the tyranny will continue uninterrupted or be squashed once and for all. It’s simply that. So I have my entrepreneurial initiatives to keep me occupied until then. But I don’t enjoy much of my life. I never really have, but this time it’s more in my face. I did come here to give up the hope in the first place, and then people’s awareness of me must have thrown me off track.
There are no overtures. So I didn’t understand what you meant when you mentioned saying yes to nice people approaching me. The only people who speak to me are perfunctory service industry or very occasionally a neighbor. I am like the potted plant everyone forgets to water. I’m right there but no one comes up to or welcomes me. They travel around in their groups. The clear message is that I am not really there or that I am gravely misunderstood. Sometimes I wonder if reading Isaac Asimov’s Foundation books was a predictive programming, because my life is utterly solitary.

I don’t feel attractive because I live in the desert on a tiny camper and so have a hard time with hair care. I n ver get hit on, and my foray into OKCupid has returned men who leave the conversation without ever asking for a date.
If blocking toxic people is how to handle them, I don’t see how this fixes the issue of there being no people good enough to come up to me and invite me to join their group.

I am kind of hating life at this point.

[Jadene F]

You know, the other day I was at the cafe in town and also went to the little grocery, and everywhere I went people were cool to me. Not the baddies of course, but I kind of happened to be in the places where friendlier people were too if that makes sense. It was encouraging, and I wondered if maybe my personal health changes (finally addressing the unaddressed parts of my trauma as a child which caused me to develop an eating disorder) balance me out in a way that eases my anxiety over the mistreatment I receive so that I am surprisingly more able to show up not only in the Flow but also innately happier. Diet affects mood, as it were.
Greg isn’t a business professional. If he was, he would have asked the woman who cornered me in his bathroom to lay off other patrons and that would have been the extent of it. But I learned afterward that he is friends with Kate, who is the daughter in law of the woman and whom I happened to stand next to around the spool table after emerging from the bathroom. So it really is just this unfair clique.
Attraction point is the level of frequency at which the human organism vibrates. It determines what is attracted into that person’s life. Having been sexually abused by my father as a child is most likely the core affecting my attraction point. I have always felt ugly and unimportant. Obviously the entire extended family treating me like my feelings don’t matter and like I don’t even really exist doesn’t help. Add the nine years of bullying by a group of males, and it explains why I live alone in a small RV in a remote desert. I could tell multiple stories of decent boyfriend material making overtures that we’re either too subtle or inducing of my understandable self esteem issues to garner any sort of winging move from me.
I’m interested in the possibility of going along with my life and letting the rumors continually fall on their face in contrast to my real world conduct. While I thought this would be a much faster process, I consider how I myself tend to avoid someone after hearing they are trouble.
I enjoyed showing up to the black eyed pea off on New Year’s Day with my good friend Jo, in full view of the entire in crowd (minus the baddies). They still likely don’t get it yet, but maybe eventually they will.

[Jadene F]

Hi Spyce,
As I suspected no plans or even chatter about NYE. So I am going to the dance party alone.
There isn’t anyone to give energy to, only rumor mongers or people who keep to themselves or their marriages or circles. I can only guess, as I never hear from anyone but my elderly friend Jo. My biggest challenge tonight is not accidentally looking at anyone and this allowing my energy to be drained by the exclusion or failire to include they would give in return. I haven’t been dancing in a long time and it’s one of my favorite things. So I’m going to wear sunglasses to make it feel more comfortable for me to be alone in a crowd of people who talk about me behind my back, don’t stand up for me to the lies people tell, or want to fit in so badly they wouldn’t dare be that friend the new person always meets their very first day.
I have been working very hard all month on a business pivot. I’m tired and might make a rare cup of coffee so I can stay up and not drag my feet across the dance floor. It’s been fun, but in my attempt to take time off over the weekend, which I totally failed to so, I had a familiar moment of not knowing what to do with my workaholic self without working on something.
It’s easier to handle my lack of a social life by keeping busy, and I have big plans so I’m spending my time on those instead of trying to make friends. I already hit all those dead ends when I did try, and as simplistic as it sounds to think this “community” is beneath me you are likely correct. I mean, what kind of people destroy and exclude an innocent person? So whatever I hope the DJ or band is good.
You are right about Bill, and I have to head my gut on him too. He already showed his allegiance to fear or the herd when he failed to sit next to me or even talk to me when he clearly had noticed me. I suppose thinking about people I don’t actually know tends to take up mental space for reasons of rumination or boredom or wistfulness. But the guy knows.
I just slog through the holidaze like most people. My pact with myself is the same as with my birthday, as no one calls or texts. I just make it my goal to not have a shitty time. The issue I have is again the rumination. That pedophile skank who ruined my reputation with lies recently succeeded in convincing the solar contractor not to continue working on my system. He smirked at me today as he watched me walk by. What can I do?
Christmas dinner at Jo’s was cool. I felt weird not having any other plans but tried to enjoy what plans I did have. Another guest said “I heard you were trouble” when we were introduced, and I guess I was too shocked and confused to address it so I just didn’t say anything about it. It is so insulting and also such a turn off, the things people do and say. Maybe that’s why I hide just inside the trees – I do have the lynx as one of my totem animals after all.
What gets to me is that no one sticks around. But I suspect this is from casting my pearls before swine. I just don’t get why no good people come to stay. But again that is a reflection of my attraction point, if we want to get real about what is going on. I just don’t know how to move my point of attraction on this. The best I seem to be able to do is reach moments of feeling good for no reason, which takes the pressure off I guess. But I don’t think I hold onto it long enough in most cases.
It feels rotten to go about my business knowing that so many people are talking behind my back. I thought they would have moved on after two years or that at least one would step forward relieved that a good person had finally come to relieve them of the idiocy of their cohort. It’s weird having Meta awareness and yet still be affected by debased conduct.
Have a good time for NYE and I’ll tty next year.

[Jadene F]

I’m glad you understand my disagreemwnt with that guy Tom’s insistence that the only way to fit in is to suck up to that toxic woman Vicky, and that fitting in is the only way to live here. He admitted to being from New Jersey btw not NYC so maybe that explains his lack of actual character.
I’m here to survive not fit in. That’s the bottom line. Every decision comes back to that single fact. I have looked into the darkness and seen that which lurks there. So I am here until it is slain or humanity is enslaved by it as a whole. Forty million people are sex or labor slaves already. My need for love and connection is not as important as my desire to stay alive and free. So I am in a place with low crime, peace and quiet, no rent, off grid systems, and the opportunity to grow food.
Anyway, I have my cafe bliss sessions once or twice a week, and I am very busy building my business. It is easy to avoid the Boathouse, where the owner clearly demonstrated it is a clique rather than a legitimate place of business. I’m focusing on doing my own thing and navigating the people who aren’t toxic. I invited Sandy to coffee last week and it felt comfortable. As we parted she said let’s do it again. The woman who originally wanted to do a dog play date but then acted cold toward me held a paint and sip, and after I went to it she Facebook friended me; I let her. She posted about a disco dance party NYE at my old work, and I replied that I am in. I don’t expect a friendship, but it’s easy to ride her little wave if you will, and I’d rather dance my heart out with a group than alone. It’s essentially a choice to walk a path in between close community and toxic sabotage. It’s better than being out in the weeds. If I don’t entirely respect or like someone I’m at the point of no longer caring that much. So she’s probably using me according to what one guest artist to my MFA program called “generation sell.” It’s the observation that millennials or whatever look at everyone as a prospective customer so act fake nice to make money off the social scene.I have always been a HSP of course so I couldn’t stomach that at the time. But out here with all this space I don’t mind Amanda being like that. There is a part of me that doesn’t care, too. Like it’s been beaten out of me in a way. I wonder if going to my old work to meet up with a group of people I have only a superficial connection with is kind of perfect for the time being. My good friend Jo would tear it up on the dance floor with me and we’d end up laughing until we cried, but she is too old for that sort of activity maybe and doesn’t go out on the town much, understandably.
Killing the hour yesterday between the cafe closing and my book club starting, I got a burger and a pint at the hoity toity place in town. One of the staff looked straight at me for a moment, having seen me earlier in the day at the cafe, but I didn’t waiver from looking directly forward at nothing and no one. A woman I kind of know had in ited me to join her husband and her at their table, but I graciously explained I was only there to grab a quick bite. I did stop to chat with them on my way out. Perhaps in this organic way there will be specks of light through cracks of weathered adobe. Meanwhile I have a lot to do and keep up my modest routines based in supply runs and happy triggers.
The room in the house was haunted by something evil, not simply a figment of my imagination but really a presence to be avoided at all costs for the preservation of life and limb. I ended the same level of evil in one other dream, this time lying in wait down a dark corridor. The understanding was the same: some fears are to be needed and you fucking run. Knowing what I know from the book I’ve been writing, I think whomever said you have to face your fears had no clue what’s at the bottom of the rabbit hole.
I wanted to talk more about the Bills of the world and something I noticed at the cafe. While getting settled in with the book club selection I had to finish yesterday before the meeting, I noticed the table of men chatting merrily away nearby were almost blocking me energy-wise. Then I noticed that I was bothered by this and lay down my desire to be welcomed or not blocked or whatever. Like the feeling of being unwanted or pushed away was unwelcome to me. Once I noted my inner experience and let go of the weird need to have their acceptance or approval or whatever that was (probably from being bullied by bmmales for so long in hmmiddle and high school) it seemed they became aware that I no longer sought theft energy or something and they were a little more friendly and leas standoffish.
With Bill, I wonder about the timing and context. Like he finally noticed me but only half approached me, a behavior I find pansy like the male children bloating PDX who wmsituated themselves near a woman and waited for her to do the work, very much in their feminine energy as it were. I dismiss Bill for not sitting next to me and striking up a convo, but I think would like to explore this more. Because I had a little bit of a crush on him for like a year before he noticed me.
I assumed the guy from that table at the cafe stared hard at me for a moment later in the bar where he works simply out of confusion, like there’s that chick again or something innocuous. But I have missed many chances by being daft as well, i.e. not realizing it was an opportunity until after the moment passed, too, so I just want to hear your perspective on these little things I’m noticing.
I can share the dream process I use of you want.

[Jadene F]

You said, “There are definitely many people that no longer have access to any part of me because they have crossed a barrier, or pushed a boundary and I no longer see them as safe or worthy.” That’s exactly how I feel, about my entire unloving, absent family, about that alcoholic hag Vicky who harassed me in a vomit of words whenever I was around, about that veteran known for his volatility who verbally assaulted me when he saw me tell Vicky to fuck off, about the out of nowhere conniving defamation campaign waged against me by the pedophile Eric whom I turned down and his lover Becky who got me fired by spreading Eric’s lie to my new boss, about Di who sent me late night hostile texts, destroyed my gardening work, and thereby used covert narcissistic abuse to make me look like the villain and get me fired when I reported her to the boss, about the former housemate who stood silent while her boyfriend launched the most vicious verbal attack I’ve ever heard against me for not understanding how to play a LARP, and about the bar owner who 86’d me after a woman I don’t know cornered me out of view then loudly told the bar not to talk to me, for as he said, “how people respond to” me.
Tom who is staying 2 blocks up my road cares so much about “fitting in” he will lower his standards and fail to be a real friend to a decent neighbor so he can be popular, so I gave him a chance but he just isn’t worthy, which is odd for a New Yorker as you noted.

I just want to be treated commensurately with how I conduct myself, rather than as though I have committed some mysterious attrocity and therefore deserve to be horrendously punished. I just want to live my life unmolested by assholes. I would like and deserve to be loved and included by decent people with whom I can share activities I like, such as live music and brunch. So far I have made friends wherever I go, but there are always the wretched enemies watching and pouncing as if possessed by some demon assigned to my destruction.
I wonder if life is really this. A grind of withstanding such assault and somehow rising in frequency out of the abuse into the light of being understood and loved. It’s really hard.

My origin place had a guy who started coming around monthly recording people’s dreams then dropping off a ‘dream journal’ for the waterfront gate dwellers to read. As a child I loved the visits by the dream man and getting to read the dreams of my community. I have considered starting something like this and tried to do it at Burning Man but wasn’t able to get any donations for building the cart I planned to serve tea out of to attract dreamers.
Your dream is similar to mine, you’re right. It reminds me of one nightmare that really scared me because I sensed it was touching something real. A haunted room. The house being a metaphor for the body temple. Regarding the other dream, I can’t think of any blondes but I thought it was a subconscious device to convey backstabbing or surface vs underbelly, as the blonde in films is often the heroine whereas the baddie is the brunette. Her smile was devious, obviously a front. The woman who cornered me in the bar come to think of it now was blond, and she started out being syrupy as a device to get a wedge to drive her stake. A male neighbor once did the same thing, catching me off guard as he no doubt intended.
Another dream recently but before the RV invasion seemed to be about untrustworthy women excluding me. And in my experience your assessment matches how not one of the young women here has invited me into her circle. They exclude me for no reason I can tell, as if I don’t actually live here, meeting for coffee right next to me without ever thinking to invite me or even say hello. But I had the insight yesterday that they may see me in a competitive light and thus use my friendliness against me rather than how I thought they would, i.e. as a gesture of friendship to be reciprocated. One woman suggested a dog play date when I first came here but later acted as if the conversation never happened. My toxic ex Dustin said while I was with him that she was intimidated by my sexuality, whatever that meant.
I’ve been a little surprised by them, but all the men here seem also not to be capable of breaking from the pack to ask me out or even just befriend me. It seems like the majority here is either dumb or oblivious, I don’t know which.
So I just go everywhere alone still after two years here and hope I can manifest someone(s) at my level sooner than later or a better place with more variety of people because they say you die without relationships. Although I don’t believe it’s location but rather one’s own frequency that is the lynchpin of life working for or against you. It just seems that my efforts keep falling flatter than a penny on a railroad track.
I’ve never met a healer who did me any good but am open to talk to new ones because you never know.
Luckily I am not afraid of being alone. I just want a better life than this.

[Jadene F]

I just really really really don’t feel any desire whatsoever to talk to or connect with people who have wronged me. I feel very strongly about this and I don’t think anything is going to change my mind about it.
That guy Tom pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth after we talked on the phone once and he pretty much expressed again with extreme firmness how he’s all about fitting in and that the people he tolerates in order to fit in have the power to run me out of town. He said that the horrible types who’ve been attacking and excluding me since I moved here would make it so that I couldn’t buy groceries or water and drive me out of town. I realized at that point that he is not boyfriend material at all and might not even be friend material. If he’s trying that hard to fit in with those alcoholics who never emotionally graduated middle school, then why in the world would I want to be around him? Those people would just start asking him why he was hanging out with me anyway. It happened to me in high school exactly like that, and I can see that while he might be direct because he’s from New York or whatever he’s not the kind of upstanding person I really feel like I should be spending time with. I talked to the crisis center advocate after he said that to me, and she was very clear. She told me that all the legitimate business owners in this town are very aware of the games that those alcoholics who never graduated Junior High School play and they don’t play into them so I don’t have to worry about that at all. She said not to let them get to me and that it isn’t personal they are all just bad.
It’s a little bit inconvenient not to be able to go to that one bar, but I don’t really go to bars a lot anyway and now that I’m reassured that this place isn’t a total satanic witches coven blood cult LOL I’ll just keep going to the cafe once or twice a week and getting gas and groceries and going to the book club and maybe the crisis center for painting once a week.

Having said that, I had a recurring nightmare last night, a version of one I’ve been having for years, but that I haven’t had for quite a while. It’s a very scary one and it always has to do with a house where the back door is either unlocked or open. In this particular version it was my RV and my teammates turned on me out of nowhere and conspired to cut my furnace line. They started streaming in about 4 or 5 of them and we’re just using my bathroom. This blonde woman smiled with malice at me and dismissed my protests. I’ve done a lot of DreamWork on this series of nightmares in the past but I’ve never had the insight I got from this particular one until today. I am very sure from a lot of past work and investigation into this and then the insight that I got today that there’s some kind of bloodline or family curse or demonic meddling behind the intense and recurring attacks.
I won’t go into all the details of all the past research and experiences that I’ve had, but suffice it to say that I’m fairly certain about this at this point, having been suspicious about it for years now. So I have to figure out how to go about breaking the curse or the demonic influence from trying to destroy me. If you have any suggestions or if you know anything about this please let me know. Just so that you’re aware, I am very anti-religious. So any kind of Christian stuff isn’t really going to be helpful for me in case you were thinking about going in that direction. Maybe I can find something in the native American systems or African. Part of my book goes into permaculture as one of the biggest tools we can use to protect ourselves from exactly this, but it takes years.
I’ve been staying home a lot for a week now and will be for the next 3 weeks because I have been doing business intensives that require a lot of my concentration. I take breaks and spend time with my animals and water my garden. In the dream in the near distance the intensive challenge event that I am currently taking part in was going on, and I could feel the good energy and the excitement coming from it just over the grassy knoll, but I had to deal with the saboteurs.

Since I guess this is kind of a relationship type of coaching, I will mention that on the night that I read my book club book at the Boathouse before a woman cornered me in the bathroom and then told my table not to talk to me, following which the owner 86’d me because as he said he doesn’t like “how people respond to me,” a guy named Bill that I’ve kind of had my eye on for several months seemed to sort of be friendly toward me. I happen to walk up when he was the only one outside on the back patio as I was arriving, and it was kind of like this perfect moment where we said hi to each other, and then quite a bit later he came and sat on one of the chairs in between me and some other people at the bar and then when somebody said something funny and I laughed and bantered with them he looked right at me several times and laughed at my jokes. I’m dismissing it out of hand because I was kicked out of that bar after he went home and probably will never see him again or he may have heard the gossip about me if he hasn’t already and because he’s a musician and popular with the local crowd probably will just believe whatever they’re saying about me. It’s kind of ironic that it was just starting to go somewhere it seemed when all that happened. Whatever it was that happened. I’m still not even really sure, other than I got kicked out for how someone else behaved toward me.

[Jadene F]

Hi spice, I didn’t do anything with the I mentioned, I ended up just talking with them at the Boathouse (one of the local music venues/bars). The only one who reached out to me afterwards was the one who invited me to spend yesterday evening together. He remained a gentleman and only ever made one or two pretty mild overtures. I had been nervous all day about it because of what you’re talking about just wanting to make sure that if he did make any kind of advances I was able to deflect them without making it awkward. But he did nothing like that. I brought over food and cooked it for us and he brought wine and built us a fire and we talked until it was time for him to drive me home.
He knows one of the other two men I mentioned to you (the Ukranian) and told me that that guy had gone off into the woods with a group of local alcoholics to party and pass out. That doesn’t make the Ukranian look as upstanding as he had seemed before. But the Ukrainian has never asked for my number or really reached out to me in any way other than initiating a conversation at a coffee shop last year a couple times and being generally friendly.
Tom, who I spent last evening with, also told me that the group I had been invited to hang out with last Thursday was hanging out together still, so it’s not like I’ve been welcomed in and embraced and invited and suddenly I have a click or a group or whatever. And it’s not like I’m dying to be part of something like that artificially at all. I’m pretty authentic and do my own thing the vast majority of the time. This week for instance I’m launching a major initiative for my business and will be very busy all week working on it. I might go to the cafe one day just to get out, but I’ll be working the whole time I’m there. This is fairly typical for me on a normal schedule. Most people meet at the cafe socially but I always have my laptop and I’m working on something.

My only real concern about tom, is that he might not like me because I totally failed in my intention to be in feminine energy and instead talked the whole time and I don’t know if that would turn him off because I think that’s probably there’s something in me that I haven’t worked out yet that needs expression. Otherwise why couldn’t I stop talking? I’m not saying I had diarrhea of the mouth or anything like that, it’s just that I was being talkative instead of demure and feminine passive receptive in a way I thought. From what I’ve studied, being that way doesn’t really allow for a man to develop feelings for you. Otherwise, we had a pretty decent discussion, I just wish I wouldn’t have been as open, almost like I had some need to be really straightforward about what has been done to me out here and what is going on in the world geopolitically and that’s why I’m here. I don’t totally understand what’s going on with me, but I feel disappointed in myself and confused about what is going on with me. Other than the obvious need to talk and express and process, essentially the need for a good friend.
So I guess if Tom wants to spend time with me again then I’ll know he values me as a human being. One thing that I found interesting was his take on fitting in this time that we talked about it meant I would need to go and apologize to the old hag who had been harassing me for several weeks and who I finally just told to f*** off. He said I should buy her a beer and that would mean that I would get along with everybody or be part of the group. And I just wouldn’t accept that. I said there’s another way and that is the way that I employed the day I met him, of wielding quantum mechanics and setting my intention to have a really nice time and make new friends and then just being solidly in my own happiness, which was what allowed me to attract him and reconnecting with all the other people I told you about who came toward me that night.

Because enough people got a sense of the real me and my value or whatever that night last week, I’m not rushing to try to repeat the experience but just living my life normally and then the next time I see the people who I reconnected with or made a connection with for the first time that night I will be very friendly and warm toward them. That is how I will build.

[Jadene F]

Hi Spyce,
You said, “I hope for you that you will find your people/person someday too! But just to be clear, I feel like I did have to tone down some of my desires to truly find that support, and I’ve had to learn to be ok with that.”
It sparked my curiosity because last evening I attracted another seemingly upstanding male companion. I actually had a needed connection with many people all day. My dog whined incessantly at the cafe where I was working on a business initiative yesterday morning. Since I’d completed the segment I had been focusing on, I decided to let her ramble off leash at The Porch, a spot locals congregate next to the old Gas Shack. While she ran around with the other dogs there, I sat down next to a group playing dominoes and a songwriter who was tuning the piano. I’d sung along with him a couple of times before and so felt comfortable approaching the space. I ended up connecting with all four people and being invited up to have dinner at Mark’s guest house. It seemed to go well and I felt pretty comfortable. Then Roger invited me to go back down to the trading company by the gas shack for a beer run. I left my dog with Mark and them, and the beer run turned into just hanging out more. I found a seat open next to a man I’ve noticed before but assumed was not interested or aware of me at all. We connected in the piano bench at the end of the now crowded picnic table, and I felt a little ping of satisfaction both at talking to a cute man and at the looks of confused attention on the faces of Marcea who spread Eric’s lies about me and Terry who verbally assaulted me a few months ago.
Roger ended up on the porch and I was enveloped in the fold when I went to rejoin him there. I could feel the group’s awareness of me fitting in or being included, and I didn’t mind the subtle miniscus between their minds and mine, other and me, both sides aware, and of one another too. Again, I read a slight shock I thought, as if some minds present had not considered me to be intelligent prior or something like that.
I walked up the hill to get my dog and some exercise ahead of Roger, and the group at Mark’s laughed that the beer run had never come back. I sang a Cat Stevens song accompanying Mark and after a while he had a gig, so we all made our way back down the hill to the bar where the music was happening. There I met my third upstanding gentleman in the past few weeks, Tom from NYC via Colorado. He moved here a month ago he told me and partnered with the bartender Sierra on a mechanic business. He stuck to me like glue most of the evening rather than wander off to mingle and be absent like my father and all the men prior to these last few weeks. He and I got along easily, as we both recognized each other’s intelligence and good character. It is a relief and refreshing to know a New Yorker has come here, because they in my experience have excellent strength in terms of building up the community to it’s best potential. He invited me to cook dinner together on Sunday up the road from me at a neighbor’s sublet. I don’t know what to do but might try maybe to just be in my feminine energy. I’m used to just being a person and so often miss out on receiving the attention of men who notice me.
At one point when I’d naturally become separated from Tom for a few moments that woman Skye I told you turned a cold shoulder after Becky defamed me approached me and wanted to reconnect, saying she had taken a step away from drama in general and supposedly it was me who had been distant. Well I gave her the time of day and even hugged her, because it showed maturity to come forward to make amends by talking, and I was glad not to have to avoid her anymore. Sometimes I think that if those who have wronged me were to simply apologize I might accept it. The good thing is the unworthy ones won’t so I don’t have to include them in my energy. Ignoring bad people actually seems to work. The bar owner Greg and I also naturally connected, even hugging. I don’t know what happened yesterday but I feel a little better about going into town to hang out in the group as it coalesces and now feel I can say hello to Davis when I see him at the cafe and relax when Skye is around. And I know now that Greg was a bit humbled by my strength and can see I’m decent even if I was a little belligerent while drunk last week or whatever.

I think the standout thing, other than being enfolded by the group maybe at last for perhaps a combination of my own bravery in showing up and my fortune of doing so when good people were hanging out, is the men I’ve been trying encountering. I find it remarkable that the last three I’ve made the acquaintance of have been above the line compared to the quality of guys I had been attracting before I grokked how to be in my feminine energy a few weeks back because of Rori Raye. I feel like the Universe is responding by sending me these good men to accompany me. I found out that Slave, the drop dead gorgeous Ukrainian I first went to the bar with two weeks ago is not married and recently broke up with his girlfriend. So I am curious if I had just that one chance and was supposed to make some sort of impression or something or will be given more opportunities by him. It’s ironic that he was actually available and I was being all careful to stay in my lane around him because I didn’t know.
Then my 73 y.o. girlfriend Jo’s son Thomas who took me out on the town while he was here for Thanksgiving was a joy to be around, sticking to me like glue all night and teaching me not to argue; I felt seen and appreciated. And last night Tom from NYC giving me all of his attention while respecting my physical space like a gentleman, and being so easy to talk to. He advised me that WE could fit in by zipping out mouths shut more of the time, so we did that together like best friends with an inside joke. I’m stubborn and angry and so it takes a special person to gain my willing cooperation in matters that even slightly stink of social climbing.

Spiritually, I told myself after being depressed the previous few days, that I would meet people and have a great time in town, that something neat would happen. And look at the results. People seem to be getting to know me a little bit, accepting me a little more. Or I’m encountering better people who naturally are more accepting and decent. The moment when I really grokked what being in my feminine energy looks and feels like, I believe I sent out a wave of new energy like a correction in the quantum field, and so elevated people who resonate with that outwardly tangible expression of higher self regard are being drawn to me.

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