[Jadene F]

Well it would seem like the message that I sent to you somehow has disappeared.
The power came back on when the sun came back out. It’s a bit overcast now, and the area’s weather seems to have shifted a bit. Maybe my Reichian cloud buster rain machine worked to restart the natural pulse of the water cycle of this area.
I’m paused a bit in building myself and art studio, after the promise of a viewing of my listed property, but that was cancelled as the buyer changed their mind to wanting no infrastructure.
My living off grid in the desert is definitely by choice as I see the writing on the wall and take it seriously having informed myself with years of research into what is really going on with the clown show on display around the planet, particularly here in America.
I live in a small motor home right now and will build my own house out of adobe/cob at some point. In addition to the RV I also bought 5 acres and yes I am reforesting and reversing desertification on my land. It’s glorious to see my efforts have their impact.
The town is 40 minutes away and has maybe a few hundred people or something in it. To me land ownership and self sufficiency is the most powerful and safe route. Until the geopolitical crisis of socialist tyranny is overcome they are going to have to pet it from my cold dead fingers as the saying goes.
It sounds like you are similar to me in that you are outgoing and friendly and intelligent but get misunderstood for it. Lately I’ve been having a few experiences where I’ve gotten what I needed. For instance today some buddy I don’t know decided to troll my property listing on Facebook and was really annoying me with very out of line questions about what I’m doing with my property. She didn’t know what she was talking about, and I eventually told her to stop bothering me and get a life. There are people who do this to me fairly regularly, and so I typically block them. But somebody on the dance group sent me a direct message shortly after to say that the person who’d been harassing me was really an annoying person and that she didn’t like her. I kind of appreciated that I was getting support. I didn’t ask for it, it just came in, and I had to admit that it did feel good to know that at least one other person had noticed that that harasser was out of line.
I’ve kind of given up trying to befriend anybody really at this point, because it just keeps not happening. But maybe that’s more of a local thing for this area. I think many people do come out here to get away from others because they have been mistreated as well or they are well aware of the bad people out here who do horrific things like try to ruin people’s reputations with lies etc and so they keep to themselves. I’ve heard multiple people talk about that.
About a week and a half ago I went to the hangout area and was getting some form of support from this local drunk guy who seems to see my value even though he’s completely inebriated and impotent as it were. But then a sort of dashing Ukrainian guy who I’ve had good conversations with in the past came there with somebody he was going to dinner with later, and we all ended up walking over to this other bar together. He’s married, but we seemed to get along well. And when we walked into that bar, I was met by the awareness that a number of people were struck by the fact that we were there together, like they had more respect for me because they like him so much or something and couldn’t see that I am of that level of quality before they had seen me in his company. People are so stupid and fickle, but it was kind of funny and fun to experience I guess. More recently over Thanksgiving I went over to my friend Joe’s house, the 73-year-old married woman who has befriended me out here. I guess her son was there and we ended up getting along well and are both Gen x so had some things in common. I didn’t know this but he told me his mom had been talking about me constantly and seemed to almost be trying to encourage him to date me or something. I told him I thought that was odd because I had gotten the opposite feeling from her that she was protective of him and so I didn’t say this but I was basically making a very strong effort not to see any possibility of that with him and just be like on my best behavior as it were totally platonic to him. This also tends to play into my having been rejected by so many men throughout my life that I actually do feel like I have to be that way around attractive men because I’ve actually been punished and really hurtful ways for daring to like a guy more than once. But anyway I got what I needed from this person and it was really pretty cool. I thought it would be awesome if we hung out and he and I went to this event going on the next day. He had said he really wants a dog and I told him Thanksgiving that I know someone who is giving away puppies, so I followed through the next day and made it happen. He offered to drive and wanted me to go with him and after we looked at the puppies, he invited me to the event. So that was awesome and we had a nice time talking. And then when he dropped me off at my house he asked if I wanted to go downtown, and so we did, and we just had this great conversation the whole night. I ended up crying at one point and we were pretty intoxicated I would say, but we still sort of just got along the whole time, and he hugged me when he left and said he likes me which I assumed that as a person. He kissed me on the cheek when he hug me. He lives in a Faraway town and just started seeing a girl, so we were like let’s be friends. But I have to admit that hanging out with this guy was very similar to hanging out with that other guy. Both of them seemed like very upstanding decent men and I felt good around them like seen and appreciated and understood. I felt like I had a real friend for that short time that I was with each one of them. Maybe I am in the flow of drawing in a boyfriend like that, if I’ve been attracting men like this into my life recently.
When the owner of the bar came around to take people’s drinks after last call, I was pretty intoxicated and I didn’t like how the owner said that he wasn’t going to take someone’s illegal marijuana but he was going to take our drinks. He seemed like he was being kind of a jerk, and I didn’t really like that so I bantered a little bit. I also don’t think I really was kind of aware of the time or realized that it was last call or whatever either. But my new friend whose name is Thomas, told me that I was arguing with the guy. And the companion of the guy had hung out with 2 weeks ago had been standing there and turned on a dime and walked away when the owner of the bar walked away from me. Thomas said that that guy seem like he didn’t like me because of that and decided to go with the bar owner instead of me as far as choosing sides or something. I honestly wasn’t trying to argue, but maybe I can be argumentative when I’m drunk? I’m definitely interested in learning from what Thomas told me he observed about me, and I can see where he was coming from. This is why I was crying later.
Your question about spirituality I don’t believe in reincarnation really, but I kind of dig the idea of the epigenetics in terms of talking about ancestors influence, like cellular memory. I do feel like there is something to curses and I am definitely a believer in there being such a thing as the demonic, as I have had quite a number of paranormal experiences being psychic, including being addressed directly by a self-identified evil spirit at one point.
But really I don’t think there’s any real community out here, just more of a little bit of a scene in a way without really even being that.
I’m pretty invested in my project and I’m very into learning and growing as I always have been and so I really don’t get lonely that often at all. The only time loneliness really creeps in and I start feeling miserable is when I’m mistreated by bad people, and that makes me long for good people.

[Jadene F]

Oh no, I hadn’t received an email notification that you had written me back, so I’ve been waiting to hear from you. Weird. Well, glad to read your response.
So I came out to this place after doing 6 months of research wherein I created a layered map that allowed me to look for areas of the country with the least amount of undesirable things and the most amount of desirable things. I also bought and renovated an RV, and really just did everything I could to make the best decision I could and prepare as thoroughly as possible within the time frame I had set for myself based on the government of California announcing that they were going to illegally force-inject anyone trying to leave the state. They had committed so many crimes in my three and a half years there that I knew they’d try. (The mayor of LA seems to have just cut off water to noncompliant businesses, unless that was a video from 2020 which wouldn’t make it any less 1984). So anyway that’s why I’m out here, to survive, which I’m somewhat surprised to find is not why pretty much everybody else is out here. Ultimately the bottom line is I need to remain in place unless and until the geopolitical situation is resolved. I understood the threat facing not only Americans but all people around the world at the start of the visible part of the globalist genocidal agenda (sounds weird but is factual) and feel that living on my own property with my own means for water power and shelter and hopefully food soon is a very important focus to be holding to for the time being.
Having said that, I’m only human and so with some regularity but not all the time for sure I get a little lonesome. But really what causes the desire to connect with other people is the trauma inflicted on me by bad people.

I’m extremely excited about my project which is transforming five desert acres into a permaculture oasis. This is the end of the second year that I’ve been working on it, and I’m starting to see my property turning green. It’s excellent fun. I wasn’t able to really do anything all summer because it was so hot this time, but that’s not typical and I’m feeling like this next summer is going to go back to a normal temp range where we can at least go outside. I finally also got my two Airbnb units up and mostly completely finished, after working hard for the last three or four days plus months beforehand of course. And I’ve got bushels of trees in the ground this Fall, some rooted store-bought I kept alive all summer and many cut Desert Willow branches that one of my old bosses told me she had gotten to grow simply by sticking in the ground where water sometimes collects. I did a project in Los Angeles around Mungi lake to reforest it with whatever species of Willow had been growing around that lake before the water level had receded dozens of feet due to drought.

I’ve already had some psychic experiences related to the hydrologic cycle out here, and I reverse-engineered and built a Reichian cloudbuster following which this area received the most rain it has in 8 years, according to locals I’ve spoken to. It never occurred to me that in the desert a willow would sprout like in non desert areas, but if it worked for her it could work for me. And with that huge rain event this late into the Fall my catchment tanks are about 2/3 full and all those Willow branches I shoved deep into the mud have a chance to develop roots over the dormant winter.. so I’m very invested in this project I have going and also have a podcast and a YouTube channel about it which gives me joy when I have time to produce videos and make audios. One day I’ll maybe figure out how to make an income with it all.
From what other people have told me, many people come out here to escape their failures in the default world, and my sense is that most of the decent ones don’t go out to public events and that kind of thing much because they’ve also observed the crazies and the damage that they can do to people’s lives. Me, I made it in Los Angeles County which is kind of a rite of passage and a very difficult thing I guess for a lot of people who try, but socially yes it is such a huge place that there’s a lot of space between everybody and everything, and anywhere you go it’s the same cross section of humanity. My favorite time in SoCal was being on the beach one time before the scandemic and being just engulfed in throngs of human beings. After so long in Oregon with its grey desolate windswept beaches with two people per beach I really craved that cultural immersion.
For whatever reason I listened to a year-old Rori Ray recording the other day and somehow it clicked into my brain, so I’ve been connecting with my feminine energy and it’s given me confidence as well as something to feel good about. It was something I was completely forgetting I possessed, having grown up around males without a mother or sisters or girlfriends, but for some reason the way she wielded words in that particular piece of her marketing material sort of got past my filters and found purchase in my mindscape. She spoke with such confidence about its power, that I decided what do I have to lose and am intending to be in that energy around men should any men end up around me.

What did you mean that you try to integrate yourself into situations? I’m similar to you in that I am very friendly and also hyper-intelligent so I can be very good at conversational and social things that many people don’t do for reasons of self absorption. That’s not to say that I have socializing super dialed in, but most of the things I’ve witnessed that I don’t do are really more of the cliquey power trip social climbing stuff in my humble opinion, so I am not impressed by the “cool” crowd who isn’t all that cool really to my way of seeing.
In moving out to this desert, I did not have the means to come check it out in person first. My work with Google Earth proved adequate in that the thousands or even perhaps millions of gallons of water crossing my property several times a year during the monsoon season do not come into the compound where I instructed the builder I hired to place my shade structure. I’m really not very fearful except for when I think about the social clique exclusion campaign that has been launched against me because as it was explained to me I make them look bad (like themselves) for not being shitty. But ultimately I sort of don’t care about the local drama. It can be painful to be around, but if I sort of stay away I end up feeling okay most of the time; this is quite the mirror of the way my family made me feel, and my choice to disconnect from them was self preservation.

[Jadene F]

Oh my goodness, I’ve spent pretty much my entire day trying to get my power back on, as it’s been 100% overcast for about 4 days and looks like we have another at least two days of this, so my solar system is completely down. Luckily I do have a generator, but I think I flooded it so I’m using the scrap of neighbor’s Wi-Fi to be able to communicate and watch videos. Such is life. I am grateful for the rain though.
What made me feel ready to write you back was that I was just fired a second time by the owners of these domes right down the road from me. They hired me when they first got them set up and then they out of the blue let me go one day when they decided to hire a manager to take over what I was doing as well as other duties. I had out up with their micromanagement and so I was pissed off that they never even asked if I would be willing to manage for them. And as if they hadn’t been clueless enough of my feelings already they said I hadn’t done anything wrong, which of course I hadn’t. Fast forward a year and a half and the manager they hired to replace me was fired for something he did and then came back to the property and tried to mess up their generator. But he had that job all that time. A person who tresspass and vandalized. Unfair and a clown show basically. So I just found out that they told the current manager who rehired me to fire me again, and of course she acknowledged I had done nothing wrong. Certainly when one of the dome owners asked me for a favor after firing me I told her why would I help her after she treated me that way. So there it is, I get treated like dirt then treated like dirt again for having boundaries. It’s an exact mirror of my personal “relationships.”
So you asked about the manager of the community center where we were doing our dance practices. Pam gave me an odd “knowing” look several months ago which told me she’d been a recipient of the defamation campaign wages against me by the pedophile Eric and disseminated by his lover Becky. A month or two later I observed Pam’s awakening to the discord between what she had been told about me and what she was seeing of me. Right afterward she complimentes my artwork, and soon after that hired me as a gardener for the may properties she manages or owns. A few weeks later her volunteer Di sent hostile texts to me late at night, showing her colors. The next time I went to work I found what I’d done destroyed. I reported it to Pam and was told I was being fired for that.
I don’t really have any other friends here, except for a 73-year-old woman who seems to have moved me from best friend to worried about me. The contractor I had here working to try to restore my power today offered a gesture of not cashing the check I gave him because he didn’t think that his work had really accomplished anything, which it’s true it hadn’t. But it gave me the feeling when I saw that that he probably became aware of how frugally I live in certain ways. So yeah I don’t have that much compared to many people, but I appreciate that it’s raining again and that all the trees I planted are going to have plenty of water to establish a root system over the winter. I appreciate that I have food and heat and lights because the generator charged up my house battery. I appreciate that I can get a scrap of the neighbor’s Wi-Fi and watch some trash TV to relax.
I guess what I’m talking about how I tend to make friends wherever I go, I mean some people like me and talk to me or compliment me or in some cases spend time with me sometimes. But there is a common thread in that they are never available, mirroring my father’s neglect of me growing up. It really kind of almost always works out that way, whether it is me moving, them not inviting me to meet up, or them saying something so hurtful I am done with them. For instance there’s a woman named Sandy who I made the acquaintance of at a thrift shop she had, and she gave me a tour of her house and is always fairly friendly to me when we see each other, but it has never progressed beyond that to a coffee date other plans. The sense I get from most of the people I’ve met out here is that they are messed up in one way or another or they have been so hurt by other people that they have created a life where they don’t take risks or maybe something similar. I don’t really have that many more examples, except I guess there was this one younger woman who was very friendly toward me and like the elderly woman I mentioned earlier Katie said we were going to be good friends but then basically disappeared until I ran into her at the community pool summer before last and she said her and her husband have an open relationship in her polyamorous which made me uncomfortable and I think her husband too. And then I happen to be going up to the town she lives in and reached out to her to see if she wanted to hang out. She invited me to stay at her house so I accepted thinking we were going to spend time together but I got the impression that she assumed I needed a place to stay or something. And then I see her maybe 8 months later at a poorly attended festival put on by my old boss Pam before I was fired and she’s super friendly and wants to spend the whole evening with me and her husband. That’s pretty much it other than the handful of people I still talk to whom I made friends with in California before moving here. Well I guess I could tell you about my old sort of roommate. The place I lived in California was more of a compound, and this younger girl named Kristen would often times be out by the pool when I was out there and so we would talk. I felt like we were friends and we even went to get a drink several times. but then she started dating this guy who was rude to me and when she invited me to her birthday party after the role-playing game they had set up he literally said I was stupid in front of the whole group because I had misunderstood one of the rules, never having played that kind of game before. Nobody stood up for me, not even in my housemate friend. So I got up and walked out. I thought about driving away but I didn’t want to make a scene so I sat in my car to think. She followed me out so I got out and was talking with her but then he came out and he launched the most hateful and evil barrage of verbal abuse I’ve ever heard in my life. I finally went home and cried the entire hours drive. I stopped talking to her because I couldn’t believe she would date a guy like that and not stand up for me when he was clearly abusing me. Several weeks later she said that she had broken up with him and admitted that he was abusing me. But a little while after that she said something that turned me cold toward her. We had been renting from this guy who had been sexually harassing her and I discovered had been illegally renting all of our spaces to us and illegally occupying the garage. He was trying to increase the rules around the use of the pool and it was becoming really controlling, so I actually called the city inspector and that resulted in him getting evicted and eventually we all left. I guess Kristen had already found a house with the friends that she played the role-playing game with. But she said something like it was my fault or something. So I just stopped talking to her completely and I could tell that she hadn’t wanted to end our friendship but that she could see I was done and decided to just let it go. I have another friend in California who I met at a bank and we get along pretty well but of course I moved away and so that’s basically a once every few months text exchange at this point, but I do value his friendship and feel kind of proud that I made a real friend just by being myself. I have another friend from California who I actually met on a dating site but ended up just wanting to be friends with and although we’ve had our differences we’ve stayed friends. Of course I don’t really ever see him because he’s in another state, but every once in awhile we touch base via text and it’s nice to know there’s a connection in the world there. I still text and sometimes call a girl I met in college who I think is on the autistic spectrum but has sort of stayed by me as it were for a fairly long time. I think she struggles with keeping friends but has a wide social circle, much more than I ever did, being on a comedy troop and traveling around. But there are just some things that are difficult with that friendship because she is in her 40s and lives with her family because she doesn’t think she can support herself, and I think she has some issues with how she talks to people. I distinctly remember going to a college class and running into her complimenting her and her hair and these two perfect young college girls looked at me like I was crazy. At the time I really didn’t understand why, but looking back I guess maybe they had never encountered someone like her before in their sheltered little lives or something but who knows. I go to a karaoke group here and there when it’s scheduled, and the wife of the guy who hosts it seems to be really into herself and like many people out here already getting what she needs from her marriage and so never making any overtures of friendship or responding to the one time I suggested getting coffee, so we occasionally message about AirBnB.
Oh yeah another one was this woman was messaging me and telling me that Pam tried to drive her off the road with some guy in a second vehicle and that they are very dangerous witches. She said that she had a gift of sight being part Cherokee and witnessed demonic character one night or something like that. She said that that girl Becky who had spread defamation about me and got me fired and excluded from being invited over to that lady Sky’s house etc was so scared of being alone that she succumbed to the clique even though they made her cry. Everything she was saying was jiving with what I had observed, but then I noticed she started complaining about being without heat and having pneumonia and so I offered to bring her chicken noodle soup but instead of saying yes she kept complaining. I made some suggestions for how to wield her focus and she told me I was gaslighting her, which was when I realized something wasn’t right with her because I wasn’t at all. So I muted our conversation to distance myself with boundaries from her toxic assertion and posted for her since she said she’d been kicked off of Facebook. A small discussion happened in which multiple people said she had scammed everybody in the past and had mental illness.
I’d say that’s about it with regard to my friendships. Like I said I have no alternative but to go everywhere by myself and really don’t ever see open doors other than bad ones if you know what I’m saying. I guess what I would be looking for if it’s not a parent already is someone to get breakfast with now and then and go see live music together or spend an afternoon at the pool.

[Jadene F]

Hi Spyce!
Thank you for that insightful and warm stab at my problem. I think you’re correct, and I have begun focusing on my self esteem, even if I have no solid idea how.
A few things that seem to shift my feeling about myself a little bit include remembering to consciously consider my outstanding character qualities and professional achievements. This amounts to brief moments but make me stand up straighter and recognize that I was just previously scanning the environment for external relief from the pain I carry. I’ve been through many attempts at self esteem but failed so I am not exactly hopeful but maybe can create a new habit by course correcting 21 times as they say.
To move forward with the crisis center opportunity, I will schedule a more formal discussion with the staff to explore logistics.
The dancing ladies is under the spell of the narcissist cell here, who hide their abusive conduct. They do it strategically like all covert narcissists, so that members of the public facing community segment which those ladies are an accepted part of never witness it. This makes connecting with the ladies a bit of a superficial activity. I get a long with Shannon, but her married life raising 3 kids doesn’t seem to invite room for weekend coffee. She’s an artist though, so maybe I could go hang out at the gallery where she works and work there on a craft project. Maybe she’ll get used to me LOL.
There are two more ladies I feel some connection with, one having a sort of post-military mental issue that keeps here not all there, and the other being pretty easy to talk with but loud and angry at times. The latter invited me for a beer when I dropped off money for delivery of water, so perhaps I could drop by next time I pass her house or something. I tend to be productivity oriented though, so I don’t often “budget” random hang out time haha.
I would really like to create a weekly dance group to work out, choreograph new routines, and socialize; my reputation has been destroyed by the narcissists however, most recently having been fired by the manager of the dance space we use. So I’m hesitant to try to start anything. If I ask to use the community center which is in town I might be able to get it free if I don’t charge for dance sessions. I will look into that!
What can I do to stop giving my time and hopes to people who don’t value me: I just started a FB group and invited people I recognize as having a stronger ability to think for themselves. I am toying with the idea of inviting others who’ve been maligned by the narcissists to coffee, seeing if they are “worthy” of befriending. I’ve tried to make friends many times with feeble results, but I also tend to make friends wherever I go, just so far not the kind I want, that I can spend time with regularly and rely on to have my back.
I feel like, remembering the night out with the drunk local guy, I could not have set a boundary in that public setting, but I could have placed a higher value on my integrity than his company and told him I was available only for serious LTR at this time and gracefully went home.
There is some pull in me like you observed, to be understood and included by anyone I am around. I guess it’s a hook from the bullying I endured in high school made stronger by the abuse I’ve sustained since then by multiple parties. I have to figure out a way to break that cord.
Jadene

[Jadene F]

It was in a crowded pavilion with eyes everywhere. He took my hand and that was my first sense of no, because I felt it made me look like I would sleep with him, but I sensed also that if I said no to that he would have left me standing alone in the middle of that area, which would have triggered me to have a PTSD disassociation and been more embarrassing than just going along as if I was on board with holding hands.

I saw no way out.

But he never called the next day like he’d said he was going to, so I am left with more harm to my already destroyed reputation (defamation and false rumors by bad actors) and still no real friends who seek me out or spwnd time with me. I am always alone wherever I go, while those who have lied about me are always with people.

It is very hard, and I need to figure out how to find companions soon.

[Jadene F]

A huge part of it too is not wanting to be rude or mean. Like I don’t understand the mechanics of saying no. Do I have to step away from him and scowl? Why can’t I have people around me? I don’t understand this. My experience has been either toxic people who mistreat me or being completely alone and never being approached or included. I just don’t understand why I don’t have the option to state a boundary without being abused or abandoned.
Like what should it have looked like? What should I have actually said and done to this person. I get the general idea but I do not understand the specific mechanics of exactly what I was supposed to do and say. I just don’t understand. I’ve never seen it modeled and it makes no sense to me.

[Jadene F]

Wondering if coach spyce is available.
Last night I was in a dance performance for the Day of the Dead and afterward all the ladies went home. I wanted to stay out and find something else to do, particularly attend a dance party I’d seen advertised for an event that was going on concurrently downtown, which I rarely am able to visit at night. While I was walking one of my cohort to her car, a man I met briefly several months ago hanging out happened to walk past us and said something about going out dancing. He ended up offering to take me to the party, and he followed through. It was just what I needed, a companion to go with and free entry to the event. He did ask me to dance several times as promised, which was really fun and exactly what I needed. He was mostly just there to hang out with his friends and I could tell that several of them assumed that we were going to sleep together later. It embarrassed me but I didn’t know how to convey that it wasn’t like that so I said nothing. He was drunk, and everybody who knew him seemed to obviously be mildly concerned for that while not considering me a person, i.e. a look of assuming I’m a low level woman who has fallen for his scheme to get laid etc. I just did my own thing and remained receptive to him, because it felt nice to be pursued and attended to even though he seemed to think it necessary to vocalize that he wasn’t hitting on me. He basically just wanted to hold my hand a lot. At one point he left the dance floor when we’d been dancing, and I kept dancing for a while. When I went over to where he’d been standing he wasn’t there, and I assumed that he had actually just bailed. So I decided to stay and dance by myself. I was asked to dance by a couple other men and had a great time doing that. Then he showed up again about an hour later and almost like scared off the guy I had been dancing with, which wasn’t really a big deal but kind of funny to me. I just went along with it, not clear what I could do. Later he actually asked to kiss me and I was surprised and asked why but he just said a little peck and he kind of kept trying later in the evening so I finally when he walked me to my car to get my vest just gave him a real kiss to stop him from wondering or whatever. I’d always kind of thought of him as a little bit of attractive, even though he has a pockmarked face and is an alcoholic. I know that there’s no real relationship potential at all. What it comes down to, which nobody understands because they’ve never asked me and I’ve never had the chance to tell them this is that I have a really big heart and see the good in every situation or person at least I try. So for me I assessed the situation without saying anything and decided there were good things I could gain from going along with him to the event and letting him give me some affection. He gave me a great backrub by the campfire later, which was much appreciated because my neck and shoulders have been killing me for the last week and a half. He wanted me to come back again tonight for the party and go dancing more and he even suggested getting a tent and camping out together. We obviously have sexual chemistry so I sense that would lead to a one night stand and being essentially the woman his friends assumed I was last night, plus it’s not what I really need right now in my life and I know I deserve a long term love not a flash affair in a tent at a festival. We did make out in my car when I dropped him off on my way home. But he’s leaving town in a week for good and I guess is only going to come back for a couple weeks every month or something like that for a new job. The whole thing is just more of the same very low quality male attention I have always mysteriously experienced. I slept around in college, believing every guy who spoke intentions of relationship and dumbly sleeping with him too soon after which he made some excuse and changed his mind about a relationship.
The low quality offer came this time in the form of the suitor becoming interested in me right before leaving town, being an alcoholic, being only 32 years old, and wanting perhaps subconsciously to publicly make me look like the floozy throw away woman I’m sure his friends gave him knowing looks of. It’s embarrassing, but I don’t see any way to get the affection and companionship I need other than to accept these random, infrequent low level offers if you will. I figure I just won’t go to the event tonight to avoid falling into such a sad situation entirely.
I don’t understand why I keep attracting these bottom feeders, men with nothing real to offer me. He actually even suggested while I was standing in the group that this single owner of the hardware store who is my age and whom I find somewhat attractive ask me to dance, but the guy made up some excuse and I pretended not to hear. Why in the world am I seen as somebody who can be treated like this or taken so easily or whatever, while the upstanding man doesn’t see that I’m one of the highest quality women in this town? Do I have to keep going to events alone, standing alone, looking at the band only, not making eye contact with anyone, hiding my misery? I don’t totally understand this recurring cycle.
🙁

[Jadene F]

Hi again heidi, I haven’t dished out any hate as you said. I’m not sure how to quote unquote forgive, so I’m glad you acknowledge that talk therapy is not effective. I would like to try EMDR or Brainspotting or hypnotherapy or IFS therapy, so DYK of any affordable ways to do one or more of those methods?
Not that I am happy she’s going through it, but it helps a lot to know that your friend is going through something similar to what I am. A woman approached me via direct message to ask me not to spread gossip about her, and I had to gently let her know that I didn’t even know her let alone was backbiting her. Unfortunately I think that narcissistic abuse isolates the victims, so I don’t really have any hope that I could create an alliance with her and maybe some of the other people who’ve been victimized in this community by the small group of narcissists carrying out this stuff, but the local crisis center has said that they are interested in working with me to potentially host a support group for that. That’s really exciting, so I’m going to pursue it. It was very reassuring to hear that someone else has gone through pretty much exactly what I was put through by this “community.” And I’ve seen other people cower in the presence of those types as well as change their behavior, so as not to become the new target, well aware that I have been targeted. It’s a sick culture.
I’m not really sure how to answer your question about describing myself. I grew up in a household of neglect and abuse and abandonment, so self care is something I’ve had to try to understand and then work towards. I feel best when I get a shower in the evenings and so I’ve been trying to do that as a form of self-love because it makes me feel good. I’m brought down by the general junkiness of my little RV that I live in out here in the desert off grid and the compound I have around it where tools and supplies are in piles because I don’t have a storage shed yet. So I guess you could call it self care or self love that I am starting to build a storage shed and art studio in order to get this place to where I would like it to be aesthetics wise. I was thinking to about building a cub pizza oven so that I would have a good excuse to invite people to my house and thereby potentially become known for who I really am to those people who are nice enough to receive the invite. I also practice self-love by going to a cafe usually about once a week and sitting there and either working or sitting on my phone or journaling. This gives me a sense of happiness and satisfaction. I recently lost my third job, due to this time covert narcissistic abuse, as opposed to defamation. So I’ve been going through some negative thinking patterns the last few days since. I feel like time will heal a little bit and I’ll be able to move forward, but it really bothers me that I lost the job for reporting the narcissist. On YouTube there are doctors saying you should never call out a narcissist and that basically they always shoot the messenger, which I have found to be true. But the alternative would have been working at a job where I was constantly anxious about my work being dismantled by the narcissist, which wouldn’t have been a doable situation for me because it took all the joy out of what I was doing and also didn’t make any sense for me to do the work if it was fine for someone just to come along and destroy it.

[Jadene F]

Hi Spyce,
I feel scared on some level of the next argument, of his taking me thebwrong way or being in a bad mood etc. But overall I know he is a good man who loves and wants the best for me. We have begun reading the book That’s Not What I Meant together and have been able to talk it through when it happens including examining our respective communication mistakes.
I am going to pause my membership for now because it feels like I know the issue well at this point.
Thanks for your support and maybe I will catch up with you later on. 🙂 Jadene

[Jadene F]

Hi Spyce,
It seems like my message did not get posted. So since then we got into another argument and I decided to pull away and take space; I felt really drained from the experience and was considering ending the relationship. We spent a little time together over the last couple of days and he expressed sadness and remorse and seems to be trying to understand where I’m coming from. He is being more gentle/less caustic in how he talks to me. And also he appears to be more aware of when he’s in a bad mood and just walks it off or whatever instead of starting an argument with me.
My take on it is to be cautious and slowly move forward, but my preference is to keep the relationship if it is worth keeping. It is feeling a lot better so far. Thanks.

[Jadene F]

Hi Spyce,
Dustin decided to quit smoking and drinking, after we finish a bottle of my favorite gin he bought us.
Unfortunately last night and this morning another argument broke out. Yesterday evening he brought over chocolate and we did core exercises together on my mat, which felt good, and I admitted I had not realized it was Valentine’s Day until a couple of hours previous.
I made dinner and he did dishes. Then he said suddenly, “I need to be alone.” Confused, I shut down. He then called his business partner Toby, andso I got up to get ready for bed. He went outside for a longish while, then came in and went to the nook to sleep by himself onthe other side of the RV.
I felt angry. I went over to ask what was going on, and he called me rude. I asked what I had done but he didn’t say. Just raised his voice. I went back to sleep in my loft, still angry.
This morning he climbed up there, and I told him how I felt. He immediately raised his voice and it went south. He sort of let me say what I had experienced then went off. He said he wished we were recording it, so I could hear myself or something like that. So I started recording. He won’t listen to it and I haven’t listened yet.
I gathered though that after he said he needed space he jumped to the conclusion that I gave him some sort of look and walked away from the table because he was on the phone with Toby. I told him multiple times that wasn’t at all why I walked away and that I never gave him a look nor did I mind him talking to Toby. He also, between what felt like flung accusations (that I am never wrong and know it all, etc) and ehat sounded like repeated jabs (that it doesn’t matter, whatever, etc etc), conveyed his hurt feelings that Id said I had forgotten it was V Day. And of course the nicotine fit he is experiencing.
He kept making statements I found offensive, as above, and when I defended myself he got pissed for my having interrupted him. Then he interrupted me right and left over my attempts to say it seemed like this or that was happening. He accused me of recording us so I could point out all the times he was wrong. I had to fight to explain the recording was to understand how we were miscommunicating with each other.
It sucked.
I feel like he can’t hear me ask for him to communicate “nonviolently,” that it makes me a know it all or some such in his mind.
It seems like he isn’t emotionally mature yet and/or can’t communicate as well as he thinks. I’m of course not perfect either, but it felt really frustrating to be misunderstood and seemingly punished for his ideas of what I was doing. It’s a common experience for me! Not just with him. So many people have done and said this same (what seems like) BS (to me) that I am tired.
We still love each other, but I can’t keep having this kind of interaction. I thought it was when he drank to excess, but I guess it has to do with detoxing from cigarrettes this time? I don’t know how much alcohol he had yeaterday but didn’t seem drunk at all. I really wish he would own his side of the conflict and stop himself. Argh.

[Jadene F]

Hi Spyce,
Having a boyfriend seems to be altering my patterns a bit. Time to climb back on my self-care routines.
When I asked yesterday he said I am at a 90% trust level, but I think it might be more like 65% because he still sometimes seems to jump to conclusions. However he also seems to be working on that and showing more openness as well. Yesterday for example he was able to hear me when I said that he was making an assumption, and he apologized and stopped.
He said today that he is quitting drinking after the bottle of top shelf gin he bought me, but I am not holding my breath on that because I know how difficult such likely would be for someone used to using alcohol as a way to feel better under the high level of stress he is under.
His step father says mean things to and about him, doesn’t appreciate his contributions, and expects constant free labor from him. His mom depends on him for all sorts of tasks too. Whatever comes up, if we’re there they ask him to take care of it. He is running around for them daily. I don’t know how to influence him to set boundaries and include self care in his day. He says he’s investing in his future inheritance of the property and also wants them to be set up and cared for. Meanwhile his RV lacks water and sewer hookups or a locking door. I told him I would have an issue if he didn’t plan to get his place comfortable at some point. For a number of reasons, I tend to want to give him grace to get to his goals in his own way.
In addition to the above examples, he has shown his true intentions for me by leveling my RV and helping me reset the posts for my BnB shade sails, which had sunk in a flood and blown down, respectively. He has also shown a marked improvement when it comes to how he talks to me. The other morning he didn’t use carefully chosen words to describe my waking up on the wrong side of the bed, labeling my attitude ‘ugly.’ I told him how I felt about that, and I gave him a minute to think about it by getting up to restore my power which had gone out overnight. He came outside and apologized, then last night he said I don’t need to worry that he’ll talk like that to me. He has also been much more pleasant when misunderstandings arise, listening and being receptive rather than being stubborn and making manipulative or immature comments. Granted these came out when he drank, but he has been drinking a little less too.
I have also been more communicative after reading about men with trust issues. I learned from three articles that being honest about how I feel and what I need are key indicators of trustworthiness. Plus this helps me obviously in an area I have always struggled with.
He also answered the question I had about the discrepancy between his original statement that ‘we can talk about marriage in two years,’ which he initiated soon after we became a couple, and his more recent declarations of wanting to have a child with me in. This would be sooner than later for reasons of age I believe, as I am 48. He said the first was before he saw that we have a deeper connection and that marriage and a child are basically the same in the sense of commitment level.
We sketched a design for the house we both want to build, and we started making a garden wall together. He seems to be demonstrating faith as he said building me a house would be an act of, with no guarantee I’d stay and share it.

With so much good between us, I am more focused on some people around us. I wish I knew how to stop toxic people from taking advantage of good people like his mom and me. Becky seems to have taken over a group of many of his mom’s friends, and his mom told me this morning she is afraid about losing them but can’t say anything to them without Becky seizing the opportunity to further turn them to her side. She did essentially say Becky will eventually fall into the hole she is digging for herself with her conniving lies and manipulation of so many people. But that is a new way of handling that sort of person for me. I am used to confronting such types, but that approach always turned worse for me in Oregon and California so I am being open to this new way of dealing with it.
It’s obvious to me that I’ve naturally rendezvoused with some of the other high quality people out here. That feels hopeful, and I am happy in my relationship. However, the maneuvering narcissists are still a bit of a thorn in my side, as Becky seems to be actively working to gain followers in a bid to ostracize me and perhaps Dustin’s family. I overheard her at a party telling my end of the road neighbor she “will not be bullied,” and giving him a long hug. Earlier she had made her usual nasty comment toward me about my dog and I had finally responded, repeating her words back to her.
I guess I am in the Rebel Alliance and our little band of true ones have to overcome the threat of the seemingly all-powerful Empire. Not sure what to do or say in the face of such immature and frankly evil conduct. But I believe Dustin and his mom are probably right. Becky makes me angry. So I do hope she reaps what she sows at some point.
Thank you.

[Jadene F]

Hi Spyce,

It’s part of the work so not an issue if it is scary sometimes.

He came back from 3 days in town working, during which Texas had an ice storm. While telling me about working in it, he mentioned he says things while drunk that should be restated. So we had a talk about our argument. He promptly acknowledged he had been immature and manipulative and that it was wrong. And he was perfectly easy to talk to about it all, and by taking responsibility he lifted the anxiety I’d carried through the storm.
The only thing I want now is to ask that he let me know beforehand if he is going to drink so I can arrange to be elsewhere. He already agreed for the most part, creating the safe word ‘abracadabra.’ LOL
I feel relieved. He stepped up.
He has mentioned having a child several times now, and when I told him recently I would want a commitment he said of course and that the desire to have a kid with me implies such. He has also said two times now, “that is wife material,” about some of the things I do. He also brought up at the beginning of the relationship that “we can talk about marriage in two years,” so I feel like he has a good head on his shoulders as far as there being a future to the relationship.
As I said I kind of know I have a winner here. He will choose when and how to drown or feel his pain from being abused as a child and by exes. I won’t pressure him because it’s his life and I am very happy and can choose to take space when he drinks for now.

[Jadene F]

Hi Spyce,
It is scary for me to hear what your concern is for two reasons. One is I have a reservation about the fact that I have only been able to share my POV on things which could skew the situation in my favor. Two is I don’t want him to be another relationship I must end because the person has dangerous or damaging personal issues (which reduces my world to one in which no sane, viable partner exists).
Having said that, here is my account of the last several days:
He acknowledged the other day our mutual or respective work toward improved comms, a big point in his favor. Yesterday my thought was that I would try to look past his emotionally immature reactions in order to be loving and supportive, ie looking for what he is really feeling beneath what he is saying. Today I’m having some reservations.
We have been having a strange bout of arguments just in the last few days. Both of us agree they make little sense and seem to be about nothing in a way. I feel like they are related to alcohol and sleep, both affecting mood and communication.
We got into a startling version of it yesterday after my art opening. He had gone on a two-day drinking binge, which I did not like but which he had said he occasionally likes to do for fun, as there had been family friends in town for several days and they had all stayed up late partying.
The argument arose I believe from his misunderstanding of my asking about something he had started to say. He denied having said anything and became defensive, raising his voice and becoming visibly agitated. He later recognized he hadn’t understood me when he finally realized what I was asking him, which was a second point in his favor.
But then the argument raged onward again, him becoming very annoyed and me seeking clarity but only it seemed intensely agitating him. He walked out of the car and came back a few minutes later. While I drove home it started again. He threatened to jump out of the car on the highway if I didn’t stop talking.
We had planned to spend the night at mine but after a period of silence he said he wanted to be in his own bed and would like me to join him, adding that I probably would say no. Which felt a little emotionally manipulative. I agreed since he was able to show how he felt, a point again in his favor. But after a nice reconnection the argument sprang up again later on.
I had not been able to fall asleep from the stress, so I woke him to say so and let him know I was thinking of going home after all. His response was to accuse me of being manipulative, which set me off and we both yelled, me because I can’t stand being misunderstood to the point of being accused of something I am not doing. As I have in other iterations of this strange argument that’s sprung up in the last few days, I clarified that my intentions were to communicate in consideration of him. But he wouldn’t listen. I said he had got me wrong. He said he hoped so. It was only when he at last expressed his hurt, a big point in his favor nevertheless, over me saying I’d stay then changing our agreement (a big deal to him) that I felt I could lower my defenses and release the argument.
Essentially I see him as being emotionally immature in the sense of not knowing how to state his feelings. He flung some harsh accusations and whatnot before admitting or coming to a statement of emotion. I get that not everyone has read Nonviolent Communication, and I myself don’t practice its tenets necessarily. So I am at a point of recognition that he is a good man at heart but has some problems that could be red flags. And I as I said before don’t want to throw this relationship away for no good reason. He said he was willing to look at some of your points from yout last message but we haven’t gotten to do it yet.
Tonight he asked if I wanted to sleep on my own at my house because I had lost sleep last night. I wasn’t ready to decide, and I feared what ended up happening. That if I took a night he would retaliate with multiple nights. To be fair I don’t actually know it’s retaliation. But sure as the sun he texted after he got home that he would see me on Tuesday night or Wednesday, no explanation of where he would be those nights. It felt a bit again like he is not communicating his hurt and instead flinging hurt at me. I will text him tomorrow to ask simply where he will be those nights, both to show I respect myself and demonstrate a version of adult comms.
Thoughts?

[Jadene F]

Hi Spyce,
He is consistent in telling me he loves me and making time for me. It helps to hear anxious thoughts aren’t that unusual. He told me the other day to stop worrying and know he loves me.
I want to improve the communication between us. It seems to me that he frequently responds to questions in an exasperated tone, becoming defensive; it is as if I have accused him of something. Yesterday I said several times in a row, “it was just a question” until he calmed down. I do not know if it is me or him, but it seems like his default is defense mode from past relationships. Because I am never speaking with an intent to criticize or whatever he seems to think. I think I have noticed this a few times when asking what the plan is, but I will pay attention the next time it happens so I can record the situation better for your feedback.
He is indeed quite busy with rebuilding his construction business after being wrongfully sent to county jail for a year. His family’s property is where he has an old RV he has expressed his plan to set up for our comfort by digging a septic system and whatnot. He worked on it the other day when unexpectedly he ended up losing an in-process project to shady clients who accused his partner of cutting wires in order to not have to pay the remaining amount of the contract. His partner didn’t put protections into the paperwork. I always respond to his statements that he is doing this or that yo get things sorted with an authentically innocent “okay” because I feel like he might be imagining I am secretely criticizing him without saying it or something. I told him from the first time he brought me to his place that I would only mind if he had no intention to improve it. I feel like I offer frequent expressions of support, patience, and appreciation.
He is a man so I guess he needs me to be more simple and direct when I speak to him. I can be verbose do I hope to improve my awareness and make more conscious decisions to speak concisely. I just need to know I have the time to grow and learn in order to relax and tackle that goal. He recently saud whenever I breath deeply or sigh I am thinking about something deep, and he keeps asking if I am okay when he hears me do that. I always say yes because the first time after he mentioned it I was actually sighing with satisfaction. It seems like his trust issue or I don’t know really.

I do definitely feel really happy being his woman. It is the best relationship I’ve ever been in. I probably became receptive to such because I was able to release Jeremy. I am starting to see him as my person and maybe even the one I’m going to end up with.

The clairaudient intel I get is typically positive guidance: “suitable marriage,” “husband,” “he will marry you,” and stuff related to other aspects of my life, like, “earn money” and “build a house.”

I ended my friendship with Becky before meeting Dustin. She still goes over to his mom’s house, and the family tolerates her. The last time his mom told her they had company and were leaving, but she of course still thinks she’s loved by them and part of the family, over-confident and can’t catch a hint.

I could use your guidance on how to talk to him so he knows I trust and appreciate him, instead of suspect I am critical or unsatisfied which is the impression I have been getting based on his responses to whT I intend as nonconfrontational comms.

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