[Erin K]

Hi Heidi,

Thank you for your response! I appreciate you working with me to figure this out! There’s a lot to unpack… 😀

Regarding my dating history:
I’ve been single for a out 7 years. My last relationship was pretty intense and it was a long distance relationship. He lived in Italy while I was in California. We were together off and on for about 7 years. Before that I had some casual relationships and one other long distance relations ship with a guy from Italy (he was my first real love). That relationship lasted little over a year. I didn’t want to date for a long time after my most recent relationship- I just felt drained- but this year I made a resolution to really give it a try and I signed up for some dating apps.

Prior to the guy in question, who’ll I’ll call Kris, I briefly dated another man I met online who also came on fast in his own way and then ghosted me.

Regarding Kris’ dating history:
He says he’s been single for about 2 years. He talked a little about his exes- the longest relationship he brought up was about 6 months long. He told me about one relationship where, when it had been over for a little bit, his ex contacted him after she had gotten pregnant by someone else. She and her mother (on a call) asked him to take her back and be a father to her child. He opted not to take them up on their offer. He actually doesn’t want children (and neither do I). His parents don’t have a great relationship- his father is a chronic cheater and his mother suffers greatly from this. He does not have a good relationship with his father. He is an only child and he’s about 6 years younger than me. I’m the youngest of 3 with 2 older brothers. Kris has talked to me about how his parent’s relationship had made it very difficult for him to believe in marriage. I have similar sentiments (I don’t necessarily think my parents have the best relationship either. I’m close to my dad, but not my mom. My dad was unfaithful when I was a very young child and my mom’s so insecure and so obsessed with my dad- to the point of seeing me as competition for his attention- that her personality has disappeared into his. I fear this greatly for myself.) So, in terms of marriage and kids, we’re pretty much on the same page.

Regarding why I like him:
I guess part of it is he swept me off my feet. Not just because of the presents and attention. When we would text, if I told him about a stressor in my life, especially with work, he would send me upbeat, supportive messages telling me that I could do it or I could “rock it”. I’ve never really had that kind of supportive mentality from a boyfriend before. I would be supportive, but they just didn’t reciprocate. (Imagine try to translate “supportive boyfriend” into Italian, or “foreplay” for that matter- things always seemed to get lost in translation.) With Kris, I suddenly felt like I had a cheerleader in my life rooting for me. He showed concern for me and worried about me when he knew I’d be driving. Basically, he made me feel precious. We’d spend lazy weekends together- we’re both homebodies. We’d spend the day together, snuggling, bing watching shows/movies, cooking, and snuggling/playing with his dog (who I love). We felt like this little unit. I felt like we were forming this team.

Regarding why I think I shut down his Hero Instinct:
Looking back, I can see now that he was eager to give me life/work advice, but it often came off to me a little like mansplaining. So my response was often, “I know”. I think I should have been more appreciative of his efforts to help and put my own ego aside.

When we argued via text after the “step back” conversation, his main complaints were… well there’s some background info you should have for this too…

About 3 weeks to 1 month into the relationship, he tells me he has something important to tell me and by his tone I knew it was serious. I think he had tried to tell me before- one night he went on and on (while a bit buzzed on alcohol and with tears in his eyes) that he had made mistakes in his past. I didn’t push for more info as I felt that he was on the verge of telling me anyway and I didn’t want to pressure him. But finally, he seemed ready to have a real and sober conversation with me. We ended up face timing (he had wanted to wait until the weekend to tell me face to face, but I couldn’t wait that long with something so heavy hanging over my head so I suggested we face time and he agreed). He told me about a legal issue he was not proud of (a driving infraction). He seemed to genuinely repent his mistake. He was so ashamed and feared how I would look at him. He hadn’t even told his family about it. He was really worried about how I would react, but honestly, it wasn’t anything all that extreme. It certainly wasn’t a deal breaker for me and I didn’t/don’t think badly of him for it. I was calm and supportive during our talk and he thanked me for understanding. He said it meant the world to him. Well later, probably about a week later, he cancelled a date we had on a Friday because he was too anxious/stressed about a hearing for his case the following Thursday. I did my best to let that go, though I didn’t fully understand that (and I suffer from anxiety too- oh and OCD btw). We made plans to face time that Monday, which was also his birthday. He told me he would be face timing a friend over drinks that night too, but he said he would call me after that. I waited, but I never got that call. He had gotten so drunk he passed out and didn’t wake up until the next day. I was pretty hurt. I stayed up late waiting for him- I was excited to wish him a happy birthday. The next day he did text me to apologize and explain what had happened. Since I had really never been around him without him being buzzed on alcohol, I told him I thought he might have a drinking problem. (He later admitted in our argument that he drank to last longer in bed for me- which was never based on any complaints I had made.) We got past this too. I asked when we would see each other next and he told me “soon”. Well his hearing that Thursday went fine and I asked him about getting together that weekend. If we see each other on Fridays, I need to pack my stuff and take it to work with me as I stay the night at his place due to the distance. Well he said I could come over Friday if I wanted, but he had plans with friends that Saturday. Ok- I don’t know if this is too picky, but after getting canceled on and then basically stood up shortly after that, and then being told “soon” when I asked when we would next see each other and that he was too stressed, it hurt that he had easily made plans with others while leaving me hanging. I let him know that upset me. He got upset back at me and basically accused me of wanting him to pass all plans by me before he made them. I told him that that was not why I was upset and explained why I was hurt and that of course I didn’t want him to feel like he had to pass everything by me- that wasn’t the point. (He often misses my point- I often suspect that’s on purpose. He can twist my words and meaning to draw away from the real issue I’m trying to get at.) He offered to cancel his plans with his friends, but that would have been ridiculous and I vehemently told him not to do that. We got past that moment too and I didn’t bring it up again. But when we argued last, he again accused me of wanting him to pass all plans by him and pointed to this incident again. He was still upset with the whole birthday argument too. He was upset I was upset with him on his birthday- he thought that I should have just been ok with it because it was his birthday. Again, I had to explain to him the real reason why I was upset at those times and the part he had played in the sequence of events. He tried to turn everything around on me.

Kris also didn’t like when I tried to do the dishes at his place (even when I was the one cooking and had made the mess- I was just trying to clean up.) He would tell me to leave them, he liked this a certain. I said in a relationship it’s normal to do these kinds of things for each other. He would say he couldn’t change over night. Ok- I figured we’d work in each other’s direction until we were comfortable. But one day when I cleared a paper plate he was done with after eating, I got the same speech again and then when he argued with me after our break up, he brought that damn paper plate up again. I can’t even do that?!

During our argument after our break up he brought up one time he had told me he likes my hair down (in a tone that I read almost as a directive). I had responded (in what I thought was a sassy tone) that it was my hair and I’d wear the way I want to. He brought that up during our break up as if I had smacked him across the face that day- and it happen on our 2nd or 3rd date! I was stunned he was so bothered by that and stunned he had carried that forward like points against me- it almost felt like a deal breaker he hadn’t let me in on- he just kept seeing me as he slowly started to ice me out.

He started slowing down on his texts. Stopped calling me sweet names even while expressing hurt if I failed to use them with him. He started procrastinating on confirming whether we were seeing each other the next weekend or not, to the point where I missed a family event because I was trying to keep my time open for him. I once asked him on a Wednesday if we were going to get together that weekend. He asked for some time as his mother was visiting and he didn’t know her plans. We continued to text all that week and I didn’t press him for an answer. But on Friday night, he sent me a text that indirectly told me we weren’t getting together and I asked him straight up. He finally said no we weren’t getting together after all. I asked him why he couldn’t just tell me that- why did I have to ask when he know I was waiting for that information. He accused me of pressuring him every minute of everyday for an answer. I told him not to gas light me and review our texts. He told me he wasn’t trying to do that. We didn’t talk for a day after that – the longest we’d gone at that point without speaking since the day we first met the dating app. After that day I sent him a text telling him that he had shown me that he didn’t have respect or consideration for my time and that his actions weren’t matching his words. He came back with apologies and sweet words- again telling me what an amazing person I was and that he wasn’t doing that on purpose, that I was the best thing to come into his life, etc. etc… He also mentioned that whenever he saw a text from me that was more than a couple lines long, he had to take a deep breath to stay calm… Ouch… I expressed concern at that time that I certainly didn’t want to make him feel that way. I also expressed concern that if I drew that kind of reaction from him, then maybe i wasn’t good for him. He said that the anxiety wasn’t my fault and that he needed to work on it. He told me I was great. Well when we broke up, he said he realized from that time that he had work to do on himself. That he though he had improved on those things, but my communications had shown him otherwise. He said it wasn’t fair of him to put his issues (which basically sounded like a tendency to procrastinate and a tendency to get anxious when he doesn’t know how someone is going to react to what he has to say so he just doesn’t say it) while I, this great woman, was giving it her %100. I told him that it’s ok to be with someone and work on issues (everyone’s) together and that I preferred that to being apart. I also said that when you really want something, you find a way, but when you don’t really want something, you find an excuse. He said he felt lost and confused and didn’t know what he wanted. I felt like he was just giving me a line- that he just wanted to break up and he was giving me the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech.

Wow- I’ve written a lot.

By now you may be wondering why I’d want to continue with Kris, but all of this happened so quickly my head is still spinning. Part of me thinks he just got supper defensive and responded in an immature and insecure way. I’m not sure he’s ever been in a serious relationship before.

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