[Nadin S]

Hey Heidi,
Thanks for our answer. You really got me thinking this time. So if love isn’t what I thought it is, what is it? I understand it is different for everyone, so how can I find a healthy definition for me? Can you provide some examples for different people or cultures? What is love to you?

I find it difficult in the beginning of a relationship to continue to pursue my own things, because it is just so exciting and one wants to spend every minute with the other person. I will try to be more conscious about that though.

Also, a friend of mine introduced me to a guy that lives about 4 hours away last weekend via message. We have never met in person. He started reaching out and we started messaging yesterday. He wants to talk on the phone this week. I feel like I still have work to do and healing to do and am not really wanting to jump right into anything. I really do want to clear my baggage and do the work to be ok alone and not afraid of loneliness. However, let’s say he is just the guy, I don’t want to blow it off from the start. Do you have suggestions on how to handle this? Also, I never dated distance if it even gets that far. How do I keep this healthy for me and start the relationship off right, should it be right, so this guy doesn’t dump me after 3 months? That is a lot of a “if it even gets to that at this point”, but I guess eventually I will want to move on and I am kind of scared.

Yes, it does make sense. I have been reading a lot and been going to counseling sessions. I am excited to mix it up and take my learning to the next level.

Thanks for your help!
Nadin

[Nadin S]

Hey Heidi,

My story about love is confusing. To me love is physical touch, my sister and I used to lay for ours on my mums and grandma’s lap getting our backs and feet rubbed. Also quality time, we did play all kind of games as a family together, took vacations together and had reliable traditions that I miss so much these day’s that I get lonely. Love to me as a child was conditional, or at least perceived that way. Today, I know better that it should be unconditional and for who you are, not for what you do. Love to me should be kind, respectful, patient and forgiving. Up until my second to last relationship I thought it meant being willing to do anything for the other person, because love is humble and NOT selfish, to put the others needs above your own, sacrifice and compromise. I realize now, that I was not able to do anything for the person I loved, it would have ruined me. However, I do still believe there is sacrifice and compromise. Love to me means to never give up, because if there is a will there is always a way! Two people deciding that being with each other is better than being alone. Love is companionship and some people say there partner is their best friend! I believe that too, but am now rethinking that might not be ideal.

What is LOVE actually? Am I even close to getting it right?

Another thing that came to mind was that I was thinking of visiting a friend out of town, or scheduling other activities on a weekend, but didn’t because I didn’t want to lose time with my ex. He would have been totally fine with it. It was me that chose time with him over the other things. He was a bigger priority and I don’t regret that. Is that a mistake? I guess especially in the beginning of a relationship and dating with kids every other week, I wanted to spend every minute possible with him. I am certain that over time that would ease. But is that a mistake I make from the beginning?

Also, my love languages of quality time and physical touch are hard to feel complete in without a guy. How do I work around that? I do enjoy quality time with myself and friends and family, but it is not the same. The same with physical touch, I can get massages and hugs and snuggles from my son, but it is different than intimate touch. How do I work around that?

I didn’t realize that I hadn’t forgiven myself for my mistakes I made fully on a subconscious level. How do you forgive yourself fully?

Let’s say I understand that loneliness is my biggest fear. What are the steps to clear that baggage after I identified it to be fully free of it?

Thanks,
Nadin

[Nadin S]

Hey Heidi,

I feel like I am getting more insight to how my relationship with my parents has or is influencing me. In what way can I turn that around or learn from it or use it to help me? It helps hugely in how I raise my son, but I am unsure how the believes I developed growing up, tie to what kind of a guy I am drawn to?

I would be open to a new therapist! Please share her info, as long as she does distance or zoom? I live in Montrose.

Ok, so if I understand you correctly, I have things I am not following through with myself. Do I need more clarity, what exactly it is I want? Like I said, it has changed over the last 8 years with every relationship. What does the recent breakup show about where I don’t love myself? I tried digging into that, but came up with blank.

I am definitely making progress towards feeling the pain and finding comfort in being alone. I am not going to lie, some evenings I still wonder what he is doing and if he is even thinking about me, but other times I am finding true happiness in so many things. So I do want to clear all my baggage, how can I dig deep enough to truly understand my subconscious, fear, actions, etc. Even though I feel like I have an understanding of where my believes come from, I can’t fully translate that into the guy choices I made and why?

I also feel like I don’t understand my obsession with the “marriage, family, kids, house and happy ever after”. I don’t know why that has become such an END GOAL of happiness that I would give anything for or don’t want to live without. The more I think about it and work through things with you, the less that seems to make sense.

I know that I always thought I didn’t do things right with my first son. The marriage was such a mess, that I couldn’t enjoy the magic of being pregnant, really treasure that time. Caden was born early by two weeks, I went into labor on my ex-husbands birthday full of anxiety and crying my eyes out, a night he didn’t come home until 2pm walking, had cheated, and blamed me. The next morning we had a baby boy and things just fell under the rug. My sons birthday is always a reminder of that, because it is right after his dads. (Baggage I need to clear?) A couple years later I left him after he pushed my head through a window, but I lost 1/2 the time with my son. The grieving process of that took me 1 year in counseling and it is still hard at times to accept that I am missing 1/2 of my son’s childhood and every other holiday etc. (Baggage I need to clear? – seems impossible and unnatural to not want more time with your child).

I somehow hoped for a second chance to do everything the right way and be pregnant and enjoy it and feel the excitement, versus the horror I experienced, have another child full time. I also think I connect that family goal with loneliness in the future. I get sad, homesick and lonely on holiday’s every year (also something I need to work on), if I look into the future I see a table full of kids and grandkids around the Christmas table. No loneliness or let’s say I fear that not happening.

So I am trying to figure out my loneliness issues, seems that is what most of my fears come down to? I have spent so much time travelling alone and being independent and pulling myself off the ground without any help from nothing to everything…. I always told myself that family is not a need, I know I can do life alone, I just don’t want to. Am I fooling myself? I don’t understand it. When I try to think about it, I feel a mental block of emptiness, like I am hitting a wall.

What you are saying makes a lot of sense, great job on clearing that baggage and finding happiness and being present!

What my future without kids would look like?
I try to remember that I do have one incredible amazing boy that may give me grandchildren. I do believe this was God’s plan for me for several reasons. As you know I love giving back. I could see myself do any kind of missionary or charity work in underdeveloped countries, possibly working with kids on education, clean water, housing, etc. I could also see myself adopt a toddler or older child. Everyone always wants baby’s and the older kids have such a hard time finding homes. I used to be a Casa volunteer, but between work and my son I couldn’t make enough time for all these kids that do need someone desperately to spend time with them. I could be a Casa volunteer again, once Caden is older or work with our local youth mentoring program for kids. They want people to spend 4 hours a week with a child and often there are weekend activities. With my son, I can’t make that happen, because I try to make the most out of the time I do have with him. I could see myself live somewhere by the ocean sailing or living on a sail boat. I would love to envision a partner to do life with, even without kids.

What do you think?
Nadin

[Nadin S]

Hey Heidi, I loved your responses. Thanks for sticking with me through this. I think I will try to dig into some fears first. 

One pattern I realize is that the last guy was a lot like my dad. I have an aweful relationship with my dad, being that there is no relationship at all. My dad does not communicate either. In fact all he does is text me twice a year for Christmas and Birthday. I go see him every time I go visit home, but it is often superficial or he will share the most weird things. My parents got divorced when I was a teenager. Even when they were married, dad was never present. He would always send us to mum for everything and just do his own thing. When I told him about my ex-husband being violent and how he treated me, he said “hmmm”. That’s it. I wished he would have jumped on a plane to see me, make sure I am ok, safe me, protect me, be there for his little girl. I think that is a big part of me feeling lonely always and like I don’t belong. My mum didn’t help. She was so depressed while I grew up, she was not able to be present or get out of bed. She couldn’t be alone. She is still majorly depressed, it has been going on for 20+ years for her for different reasons. I was always terrified to be like my mother and we don’t always have the greatest connection these days either. She is getting better. But growing up I never had boundaries only the shame, disappointed in you and can’t even look at you treatment. Clearly that is why I feel like I am not enough. 

I am from Germany, left when I was 19 right after high school and backpacked Australia for 2 years trying to find myself or something I felt like I was missing. Then I moved to England and studied there, the first summer I spent in Spain, becoming a dive master, the second summer I lived in Ireland, working in a castle. Then I took a gap year in Colorado, USA. AT this point I had travelled by myself for 5 years all over, loved it, but was so burned out meeting people and saying good bye to great people, not having any close or intimate relationships, because I moved so much. When I came to the US, all I wanted was a family and settling down and got married after 3 months to a guy that you mentioned above, someone that just compliments you all the time and was just perfect…. that was the guy that then physically and emotionally abused me and who’s son we raise together now. My son is 9. I have been in Colorado since. It took me forever to build friendships.
 
So yes I am working on my believes of belonging and feeling lonely, but counseling has not been very fruitful in that regard. Any suggestions?

I think I select guys that I feel can provide protection and safety, physically and absolutely adore their little daughter. I have been thinking about this for a while, trying to see a common ground between my ex-es, but I can’t come up with a solid answer? They were all so different. Like I told you in my last message, I was looking for different things in each relationship, trying to figure out what makes a lasting relationship. 
 
Ok this is how I would like to be treated in general:
– respectful
– I want to feel safe and protected, physically and emotionally
– he listens and doesn’t interrupt
– willing to compromise and work through things together
– able to communicate his thoughts and feelings well
– treat my son like his own
– shows me he cares, by being thoughtful and intentional

Can you give me examples of how one can be treated? I keep going back to how I want to feel and I am not sure what the treatment would look like?

This is how I would like to be treated when things get hard:
– listened to without interruption
– he would let me in on his thoughts and feelings
– work through solutions together- no yelling, no screaming
– respectful communication
– space to think through alone first, but get together and discuss as soon as possible in calm manner

This is really hard for me. I am not sure I have any clue what healthy or good would look like?

What I need on a daily basis to feel balanced:
– enough sleep
– 10 minute meditation
– physical touch (hugs, laying in his arms)
– workout 
– routine and a plan

What I need to feel joy and nourished:
– horse riding
– reading 
– physical touch
– quality time with my loved ones

My love language is almost equal part quality time and physical touch. 

What I need when I am stressed:
– someone to listen
– physical touch and closeness 
– someone to be kinder than necessary to take care of me
– if I don’t have a person in my life, then I get massages, spa treatments
– meditations
– long walks
– workout

I can wrap my mind around “the one for now” that is easier. I have a very hard time believing I can be ok without more kids. The thought hurts sooo much and I truly believe that I would regret it forever. So, to be clear I WOULD LOVE to believe that I can get rid of this believe, because I know it doesn’t serve me well. I DO WANT TO FIND HAPPINESS NO MATTER WHAT SHOWS UP. It just seems so unimaginable. What can I do to get to that point?

Nadin

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Nadin S.

[Nadin S]

Thanks Heidi,
All this is helpful and somewhat it seems overwhelming and maybe a bit discouraging. I am not sure how I can learn that. I have asked some of these questions, but I didn’t know how to interpret the answers or what they could mean for a long-term relationship. I have never made it very long with a guy. For example, the current guy I had asked him how he has resolved conflict in his marriage, and he basically said that he hardly ever brings anything up unless it is essential. He told me that it was always her bringing up issues, he never would. If I think about it now, I could see how that would prevent us from having a truly deep connection and love. If I do ask the right questions, he will eventually open up though I think. I guess you are right. I am just still heart broken. I am sure it will take a while to get over it and I am not looking forward to dating someone else again.

I have a list of 5 things. Is that list too superficial? Am I missing the important parts? Like communication and independence, where each of us can give each other space?
1) Character (humility, respect, honesty, etc)
2) Loves outdoor activities/active
3) Likes to Travel
4) Wants more kids and loves my son
5) Loves God and giving back

However, I had found that guy and all these things were true I thought. The guy I dated almost 2 years before the current one I have been talking about. Well actually if I look at my list, he was a good person, but he has lied to me and has been disrespectful, he had a porn addiction and the day to day didn’t work…I wasted 2 years of my life before I figured this out and even the others it took me 1+ years. DO you make a list of absolute NO’s also? Everyone seems to have different flaws and at first I think that I can live with that, but over time it gets worse and worse until it doesn’t work. Part of that was my fault for being ok with it and then changing. I always thought that I would do anything for the person I truly love, because I like to give back and make other people happy. In my career, friends, volunteering, partner, etc. I draw happiness from making others happy and giving my time and efforts for free. However, all those relationships, I tried to give these guys what they truly want until I run into a wall and realize my boundaries.

Is there a way out of this crazy cycle? How do I break the pattern? How do I learn more about my own subconscious, so I can try to learn other people subconscious? I have spent a lot of time doing EMDR, counseling and have been working on the trauma of emotional and physical abuse from my marriage for 7 years on and off. I still have to communicate with my son’s dad unfortunately, but what he says now has no effect on me. I am in such a better place than I was, but I still feel like I am doing something wrong or missing something important to create a lasting, loving and extraordinary relationship. I am definitely willing to do what it takes.

During the EMDR sessions we have established that some of my strong believes that I haven’t fully replaced yet are “I don’t belong”, “I am not loveable” and “I am alone”.

Every person brings new traits with them I have never experienced and don’t know if that is a deal breaker or not it seems. Many people have told me to stop looking for a guy and the right one will show up. That is kind of where I am right now. I am still hurting and don’t want to date and still can’t see myself with anyone else. I am sure that will change over time. The older I get the more pressure there is though if I want more kids and the less hope I seem to have. I still believed in finding the one for life, but that hope is fading faster now. Two of my close friends are in marriages and feel lonelier than ever…and here I am complaining about being single, which is ultimately better than the situation they are in. Now I am more scared of commitment and heartache than ever before.

DO I just need to give it time? What should I be working on/learning first?

[Nadin S]

Hey Heidi,
Thank you for your reply. It does make a lot of sense when you put it that way. I realize now that if there ever was a chance to get back together, he would have to be truly wanting to be intimate, open up, be willing to work on his boundaries and going through life together.

I am 34 now, I have been through an aweful marriage of 3 years with a man that was physically and emotionally abusive. I left him almost 8 years ago now. This is the father of my one child. Looking back I have been in 4 relationships since. They all lasted 1-2 years, except the last one I talked about above only 3 months. I realize I was broken, insecure and confused in the first 3. Desperately wanting a partner, getting married and more children before I am too old. The first one I had no idea of what a relationship should be like, but I realized after a year that he didn’t want marriage or kids, he was significant older. I left him. Then I tried to be more continues about making sure the future aligns. The next guy was younger, eventually wants kids, was good with mine, but not ready to commit and chose partying over us often and we didn’t share a lot of hobbies, he was a home body and I love adventure and being active. So then I made a list of all the things that matter to me in a relationship (Tony Robbins relationship advice) and narrowed it down to 5. Those were 1) Character (humility, respect, honesty, etc) 2) Loves outdoor activities 3) Like to Travel 4) Wants a family 5) Loves God and giving back. I found that person online and we dated almost 2 years. I think I was so focused on the future goal of family and getting married that I ignored the signs. I left him in the end because the day-to-day stuff didn’t work. We had a great time with hobbies, travelling, playing with kids, etc. but ultimately, he did not do well with my son, parenting styles clashed, we got into huge arguments about how to move, how to hang a picture, daily routines and giving each other space and respect.

SO here I was re-evaluating what does it take to have a healthy relationship? Should I throw all my wants and needs out the window? After the last relationship, I realized that my hobbies had changed, my desires and goals have too. SO maybe the most important part in a relationship is that the day-to-day routines work, my son is loved and has a good role model and goals can be made together. That is when I met the cop I mentioned above and I thought that was the one.

You don’t typically see people’s bad side early on in a relationship, or how they handle stress or do you? What am I missing? Obviously I never had a good rolemodel of a healthy, good, lasting relationship. I am tired of dating and starting over and getting my son involved. For now I am healing from this break up and trying to grow and read the books about relationships etc. I still am clinging on some hope that the guy will miss me and realize he wants to be with me and change. However, if that doesn’t happen, how do you find and pick the one that is right for you? What qualities are the most important? At the end of the day, no one is perfect, neither am I, so there will always be things to compromise on and to accept.

Thanks for your insight.
Nadin

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