[Connie S]

Hi Heidi,

I have totally disengaged from the guy who wouldn’t take no as an answer. It’s a freeing feeling being able to do it! Thank you for the information on what the police officer discussed. I would not have thought about it that way either until you said it and now I will be passing this message onto my daughter and girlfriends so they are aware of what they need to do.

A bit of a back story to why I found it offensive. 1. My ex husband used to always tell me what I was apparently doing even though I wasn’t doing it (anytime I talked to a male I was automatically having sex with them–I was not, I wasn’t at work when I was, I wasn’t going grocery shopping so he started going with me, etc–all mental abuse). My last ex started to tell me what I should be feeling/doing as well. 2. I have been out on dates with a couple different people. Nothing major but this guy has been jealous or worried (I can’t really say which feeling he is having but I know its one or the other). I’ve been told he’s worried that I will be hurt again by men. So when he said that “he will wait” to me he’s insinuating that I was going out with a guy instead of having a BBQ with friends (which I was not going out on a date). There seems to be a lot of back and forth with us as there are feelings there on both sides but neither side really wants to admit to it because of the mutual friends circle we are in (I know that shouldn’t matter). He is also struggling with some things that happened in past relationships (I’m not making any excuses for him just some back story). As I read your thoughts, it is kind of funny because I was talking to my good friend this morning and told her I am walking away from him. I said I’m not wasting my time or energy on guys any more. If something is to happen, it will be with the right guy. And whoever it may be, they will need to prove a lot to me. So, it took me a bit longer to figure it out but the extra thinking from the time I posted until this morning, I made my decision not to engage in anything with him (which you had said I should do because he’s not emotionally safe nor available for me). I am getting this!

[Connie S]

Hi Heidi,

Well another weekend and more things happening. First, a good friend of mine had a guy ask her about me. So she told him I was recently out of a long relationship and out having some fun. He asked her if I would accept a Facebook friend request from him and she said you can try but it’s up to her whether she accepts it or not. She explained that I am going through a lot. He said that’s okay. He would like to look at a relationship with me but would also take a friendship.
I received the friend request and held off accepting it before I asked exactly who he was (with mutual friends). I asked my good friend and she was telling me how/why he added me. I had met the guy before but didn’t really pay much attention who he was (I was in a relationship at the time). I did accept his friend request. He waited a couple of days before messaging me. I told him straight up that I was not interested in getting into a relationship since I was recently out of one. He said he was okay with that and he was looking to meet more friends. That was okay with me but then his actions are not okay with me. We’ve talked through messenger and on Friday met up at the bar (I was with my friend and we had to talk to the bartender at the bar as we were bartending a wedding reception this weekend). He was there having a few drinks. After talking with the bartender, he sat with us and starting talking to me. It was all good until he started talking/treating me like he wanted to date me kind of way. It was awkward and I said to him we are friends remember. He wasn’t respecting that too well and he kept wanting to buy me drinks which I told him I was done after I finished the one I was drinking. He didn’t listen to me and bought me one more. I was pissed and let him know. I also told the bartender no more for me and she respected that being a friend of mine as well. He continues to make comments on my Facebook posts and saying we should go out for supper or I should come over for a fire at his place and I keep saying no thank you (I’m saying no because I’m getting those feelings). He’s even tried to get my friends to come over for a fire because he thinks they will bring me over (I know they will respect my decision–I’ve already talked to one of them and she knows how I feel). I am to the point of deleting/blocking him on Facebook and hope to hell I don’t see him in town but I know that I will have more probability of running into him in town because it’s a small town. Instead I have reduced talking/reacting to him hoping he takes that as a clue that his behaviour is unwanted since he doesn’t want to listen to me verbally.
This is another huge step for me I think because I probably would have thought oh he’s a nice guy so what does it hurt. Now, I’m looking out for me in a huge way. Thank you for helping me to find this part of me again!
Second, a guy who I do like came into a friend’s place. This is the guy who I was originally talking about with this post (he’s afraid). We haven’t talked much lately as I’ve been working on myself and don’t want to get confused more. He was sitting beside another friend talking to her and then he asked everyone if they were going to another friend’s place for the BBQ. Most of them said no. When he asked me, I said no. His facial expression was hurt which kind of confused me. He continued asking others and came back to me and said again you’re not going. I said no. He said I’m sure he will wait to see you. I was shocked and pissed off! I did not expect him to say this and our friends looked at me and didn’t know what to say. I did something that I’ve never done before. I said excuse me and he said it again. I told him that was uncalled for and that he pissed me off. To me, he had no right to insinuate anything and could have asked why I wasn’t going instead of being like that. I ended up walking out onto the deck after a few friends stood up for me telling him the same thing and that he should stop it. I had a breath of fresh air and everyone came outside as well. After a bit, we went back inside and I was getting ready to leave (I was going home because my son, his girlfriend and my grandson were there). I said good-bye to everyone but him. Later that night, he messaged me with a rental house post for my daughter. I decided to confront him. I asked him if he honestly thought before what he said earlier that night. His answer was ‘about what.’ That’s where I realized he’s a male and doesn’t hold onto things like females. So I told him ‘nevermind I will leave it at that.’ He then asked if he hurt my feelings earlier (confusing me even more because if he didn’t remember what he said then why is he asking if he hurt my feelings). I just said that I was disappointed with him. He didn’t know what he did to disappoint me so I told him not to worry about it as I’m a big girl and I’ll move past it. He didn’t say anything back. Thinking about it this morning, I should have told him why but I also know that another conversation will be had between us and it will come out. I was just in the space of not wanting to discuss it any further especially over messages (which he knows I don’t like to do). One of my friend’s that was there messaged me this morning. She’s older than me and knows a few things. She said Connie don’t react to him anymore. He does like you but he can’t admit it right now. We all see it. She has talked to him before and anytime she talks with him, he’s always asking about me (she doesn’t tell him things that her and I talk about). He’s even found out from her that I’m going somewhere and he wasn’t going to go, only to show up after talking to her and finding out I am there. She wonders if he was teasing me last night (there’s a reason for that) but she said it was still uncalled for. I did message him this morning wishing his father well for surgery today and if he needed to talk he knew where I was and he thanked me for it. I know this could have been the reason why he said it because he’s worried about his father’s surgery but still it did not need to be said in my eyes (maybe I’m being oversensitive right now since working on me). But in the end, I did stand up for myself and made it clear that no one was going to walk over me with things.

[Connie S]

Hi Heidi,

Accepting “help”–now I’m understanding it better. Thank you for explaining it in a different way. Yes I can change my approach to saying yes to that kind of help. I never thought about it like that before.

Trust my choices–at the present time of the relationship and love, I do trust myself only to learn after a while that I shouldn’t trust myself (hence the reason I’m here and in counselling). I am learning that I shouldn’t always trust my use of alcohol as I started to use it as a crutch if that makes sense (I am changing this). I am starting to trust my ability to work through challenges in a healthy way. I have started stepping back and looking at what I’m doing/not doing, my behaviour and my reactions to others. I don’t want to react to all of this by burying it in the back of my brain and hope it doesn’t come out again. I’m tired of dealing with things this way and want to rid myself of this craziness and hurt that never goes away.

Obligated–some “old” friends that I don’t hang around with anymore, used to tell me to say yes to offers of dinner, dates, etc as they said it would get me out and about. Not knowing that I should have not done that all the time, I started to feel obligated to say yes almost all the time (unless I had other plans). I stopped doing it when I started dating my recent ex and I don’t want to go back to doing that now (I see where it took me).

I will definitely watch the movie and look up the method you suggested. Thank you

Connie

[Connie S]

Update on the guy from derby night. I was playing bingo with a couple of friends who were not at the derby this weekend. They asked how it went and if I met anyone. I asked them if they knew this guy. The one friend said quite quickly to stay away from him. He is a serial dater and the females run away quickly. This made me feel better with my choice of not going out with him for supper and seeing where things may go (my intuition is back and I don’t need to second guess myself). I do trust her knowledge of men because she knows everyone in our area and has seen a lot of stuff. She even said this guy was friend’s with her ex and they met in jail when they were younger (not meaning someone can’t change but it was something that did come up in the conversation I had with him so I knew she did know her stuff about him and no I didn’t ask him why he was in jail as I knew at that time it was a hard no for me).

[Connie S]

Hi Heidi,
To reply to your first post:
Opening up and accepting help–I’m not sure I fully understand your statement ‘how about accepting or asking for help even when you don’t need it.” I do create memories with people and connect with people, so I’m a bit confused. I understand I haven’t always been going out with friends when asked but I have changed that recently (I have grown a lot with accepting offers of going out and I have asked people to go out to do things as well).
Low self esteem–my therapist has not taught me what to do when my low self esteem gets activated yet. They have been getting the complete information from me so they can fully understand where/why/when my self esteem takes a dive down low. I know I need to stop focusing on the part that it comes from my childhood and what my mother said/done.I just don’t know how to stop that from being so powerful in my brain (I’m not sure I am using the correct words for explaining it).
Strong woman–Strong for me is being able to complete things and handle whatever comes your way.Some days, I don’t feel like I’ve completed anything worthwhile I guess (even though I have done a lot but I don’t see it as worthy–I know this is due to the low self esteem in my eyes). I do know I need to change that mindset from reading your posts but I’m not sure where to start with it. If…no when I feel strong every day, I would be living a better life in my eyes. I wouldn’t be having the low self esteem, I wouldn’t be second guessing myself about things that I know I’m doing it right, I would be celebrating with friends/family more, I would be completing my dreams instead of just dreaming and thinking I’ll never be able to do it.There is so much more that I’m starting to see that if I felt stronger, I would be doing. You are really opening up my eyes to different things and I thank you for that.
Relationship–I haven’t read any self-help books, relationship books or any books to do about love, communication, dating, etc. Is there some that you would recommend me to look for at my local library?
Trust–this is changing very much for me since talking with you. I usually trust my choices (I say usually because sometimes after I make a choice I second guess myself–I am changing this after thinking about it more this weekend. Before I make a choice, I am going to step back and give it a second look asking myself if I’m sure this is what I want to chose). I do feel safe in my life (I realize when I say this, that sometimes I make others feel like my choice was not a safe choice and I realize that and have made the appropriate changes). I am that person who normally buries things I cannot fix in hopes of not having to deal with them. I do realize this is not healthy for me to do and I will work on this as I have buried so much over the years.
Now, for another update after this weekend. I was out at a demolition derby with friends Friday night. After the derby was over, we were talking under the grandstands and I was introduced to a few people I did not know. There was this one guy who wanted to talk to me more (he was drunk, I had been drinking but I did talk to him). He seemed nice and interesting. The next day we talked some more and went out for breakfast (I should mention, nothing happened that night other than talking). As I was learning more about him, my gut started to tell me nope and I started to see the red flags. I asked more questions to make sure I wasn’t imagining stuff (I was second guessing myself again) and no I was right with the red flags. He has a problem with alcohol and he was trying to “force” me to go for a motorbike ride with him that morning disregarding the fact that I said no a number of times (I had mentioned that I had not been on a motorbike in my life but did not explain my reason why I haven’t been). My friends were checking up on me because they knew I didn’t know him very well so I was safe (they knew where I was and could be there if there was any issues and I was out in a public place). Now on Sunday, he has messaged me on Facebook (he has mutual friends with me so he found my account even though it’s locked down tight–I did receive his message in my message requests folder but he cannot see that I have read it). He said he’d like to take me out for dinner some day soon and see if we “click” sober and all that. Again I had a few drinks but I was not drunk whereas he was drunk. I am not sure how to handle this. I was thinking about not answering him and pretending that I didn’t see his message but I know that won’t help (that would be me pushing it back into my head and hoping to not have to deal with it). I am trying to figure out a way to say it nicely to him that I am not interested (I’m assuming I portrayed that I was interested although I’m not sure how I did that or maybe he’s just trying hard to get into a relationship since he hasn’t been in one for a long time according to him). This is where I struggle with things because the nice side of me used to say, sure I’ll go out with you for dinner and see how things go but now I’m seeing the red flags and going no way am I going to continue anything with this guy. I am trying my best not to be put in a place where I feel obligated to say yes (hopefully that makes sense).
Also, on a different note, this weekend I was at the beach by myself thinking about a few things (it’s my favourite place to think). I am noticing that when I drink is when a lot of things are happening that I regret afterwards (I have been drinking more since my breakup earlier this year and you are right, it helps bury the hurt and makes me put the problem in back of my head when I do this). I have decided I am going to drink less alcohol to reduce the regrets. I know don’t need to drink to have fun and I’m going to do this for me. I think doing this will help me more with healing myself in the long run. I feel like I have grown so much in such a short amount of time because I was ready to listen and take all things into consideration. Thank you for helping me through this

[Connie S]

Hi Heidi,

Well last night was a huge breakthrough for me! I stopped in at my friends place to pick up some packing boxes (I’m still packing stuff for my ex-yes I am doing this because I don’t want him in my house trying to get me to change my mind about our relationship. I did have to stop packing for a bit because I had surgery and wasn’t allowed to do much at that time). After we loaded my truck with the boxes, my male friend said Connie I can help you pack the stuff up and clean up the shop you know. I made myself shut up for a minute and he continued on saying he doesn’t care about how it is and what the mess is like. He wants to help me get past this part. That broke me. Tears started to well up in my eyes and I told yes I need help and gave him a hug and thanked him. The look on his face was pure shock as one I accepted his help and two tears were in my eyes. I told him we would talk soon about when we would tackle it and I left before I was outright balling. I sat in my truck with the tears running down my face but it was like a weight lifted from my shoulders. Thank you so much for making me see what I was doing to my friendships.

[Connie S]

Hi Heidi,

Thank you for all of this information. I read it numerous times to make sure I fully understand everything.
The friendship part with giving/receiving–I would say yes I am afraid of showing people who I am on the inside. I’ve hidden that for many years because my mother always put me down because of it. You will see a lot of things come back to how I was raised and how my mother treated me. I have ended the relationship with my parents for my own health approximately 5-6 years ago for the second time and the last time (I am not the only child who has done this. My sister has as well but my brother has not). I did contact a couple of friends whom I can talk openly to and asked them if they thought they knew the “real” me. Their answers were interesting but they also know I am working on getting back to the real me again. I have started to openly say thank you to my friends for things they have done for me and tell them how much I appreciate them for being there for me. This is a huge step for me. I am going to start opening up more and accepting help when I need it.
With regards to my ex, I never thought of it as protecting my ex. I look at it as I am ashamed that I allowed things to happen and I don’t want my friends to pity me because of what they may find (I’m still finding things that I never knew about because he hid them well). So I guess in saying this, I am protecting him in ways I never thought of. It takes me back to a time before the relationship ended and we were at a friends cottage for the weekend. I was tired from looking after my grandson a few nights during the week (his mom was in the hospital). I drove the 2+ hours to the cottage because he was already drinking (yes red flag). We got there and I helped get supper ready, had a few drinks and played some games outside. He was done early and wanted to go to bed. I took him in because he didn’t know where we were sleeping but I guess when I decided to use the washroom and go to bed, he talked to one friend in a rude way (I’m not sure what all was said because they didn’t want to tell me at that time). After we came home from that weekend and I had a girl’s night with friends at a house, the topic came up about that weekend. I found out things that made me think even more about my ex. It was the unraveling of our relationship. I had a hard time understanding why he would say the things he apparently did but in my gut I knew we were done. Unfortunately for being the kind person I am, I couldn’t kick him out and end the relationship around Christmas. I did after the new year telling him he had 2 months to find his own place as I couldn’t do it anymore. Shortly after this, he was charged with his DUI. Do I feel any guilt in that–no, he did it to himself and I had been talking to him about his drinking for a while already (even suggested counseling). I knew after that girl’s night that the 2 friends there talking about that weekend would be looking at me differently. That’s where I’ve struggled but I now realize that’s their issue (they have their own problems too) and I don’t have to be struggling with this feeling. If someone wants to talk about me and my life, I plan on ignoring the negative nellies (real friends build you up not put you down). The one friend has apologized for saying the things she did but I understand why she said it and I told her that and respect her for it. The other friend, I do watch what I say/do around her because I know where it will go. Raw and vulnerable…yes I can relate to that. I am always trying to be the strong person that I forget that sometimes I need to be vulnerable too.
Low self esteem–this is opening a can of worms for me. I’ve had low self esteem since childhood. I was never good enough in anything I did for my parents. I was always told I was fat (even though I wasn’t at that time. I did gain a lot of weight in early adulthood but I have since lost it and kept it off for almost 10 years). Even getting straight A’s in school, they said I could do better. I have done so much for myself but it never feels like it’s enough. I have been working on this with some counseling and it is slowly getting better. It is like a double-edge sword. I am a strong woman yet I don’t feel like I am most days. I like the idea of making a non-negotiable list and I actually started making one last night. I’m finding it hard to do but I’m going to put some qualities down each night for 3 nights. I will go on from there with reducing the list if needed. When I chose to be in relationships before, I was never taught how to choose a person or be in a relationship (all self-taught). I would decide on feelings or what friends suggested so it turned into the relationships I had and maybe I was looking for love that I didn’t get from my parents as well.
Trust–this was one that I had to read so many times to truly understand what you were saying. I was raised that people earned trust and when that trust was broken that was it. So this is changing my mindset after so many years of thinking trust is earned. As I read the trusting yourself means part, I know I will be okay as I always have been. I do trust myself in the ways you wrote because I have figured out how to heal and get back up and move on. That’s how I survived the abuse many years ago and how I’m surviving dealing with an addicted ex.
Thank you for answering most of my questions and making me look at things from a different view point.
Connie

[Connie S]

Hi Heidi,

I guess I am hoping the cheating won’t keep happening in any of my relationships in the future. If it is something that I am doing or not doing in the relationship that makes the guy feel like cheating than I need to figure it out. I know and understand I cannot control what others do only what I do or how I react.
This post is a current situation. I don’t want to mess things up with him although I might have already (I am unsure on this). I know I have been told by friends that me being so independent can be a turnoff for men (I think this is something that has stuck in my mind so I’m trying to get it out of my head now).
This guy is confusing for me because I haven’t had to really figure out what a guy is looking for in a long time (recently out of the 9 year relationship earlier this year). This is part of the reason I decided to step back from men and work more on me (I’m not sure if I’ll be able to step back for long but I’m going to try for sure).
I know this guy is telling me he really likes me and would like to see where it goes but he’s also afraid because if it doesn’t work out, we have mutual friends and he’s afraid of losing our friends or me losing our friends (doesn’t want anyone to pick sides would be a better way to put it). When we kiss, there are fireworks. When we make out, there is desire. We can talk about anything. We even had a couple disagreements about some subjects but we worked through that (I’ve never had someone who is willing to work through it). This guy has honestly opened a lot of parts of me that I didn’t realize I had if that makes sense. He did ask me about a month ago if I trusted anyone. I told him my honest answer of I trust most people but not completely There are a lot of things I struggle with and trust is one. I feel I can trust people with certain things but not everything. He didn’t seem to understand how I can trust someone partially. He then asked if I trusted him. I told him I am learning to trust him more but it’s not completely yet (how can you trust someone completely when you don’t fully know them yet). If he were to ask me that today, my answer would be changed.
So by the sounds of your post, I need to start letting him do things for me. I can understand this, but how do I do this? I struggle so much with letting anyone do anything for me. For example, my recent ex left a mess in my shop (it was not good to say the least–he tried to commit suicide but thankfully didn’t succeed). I started to clean up things when I found where he tried to do it. That was a mind f*ck for me to say the least (this was after he was charged with a DUI and was on 3rd floor at the hospital–this is a place for getting help). That night was not good for me. I was drinking while cleaning and I walked out of my shop in shock. I live in the country so I decided I was going for a walk late at night and ended up in town at the bar. Left the bar when it closed down and started to walk home except I was tired so I called the guy (he was sleeping) so I continued on walking home. He woke up and thought it was morning but checked his phone. Seen it wasn’t time to wake up but wondered why I was calling so he called me back concerned. As soon as he heard what I was doing, he was upset but he found me and drove me home. Yes I was stupid for walking at that time of night by myself and I’ve had to promise my friends I won’t do it again. A couple days after this happened, the guy and I had a talk.He voiced his concerns and got me to open up about why I did it. He made me realize a few things and it made sense to me. He seems to know how to get me to look at things differently. When my friends found out what I was doing and this is what happened, they offered to come out and help me clean up the mess. Don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful for their offer but I can’t seem to say sure help me. It’s like I don’t want people to see what happened when they thought so highly of my ex earlier in the relationship and became friends with him as well. I feel like I made the decision to stay in the relationship for that long so I need to be the one to clean it up so I can work through the process if that makes sense. I know the one friend keeps saying he can help me if I’d only let him (he’s been upset with me every time I say thank you for the offer but no). His wife and him know how stubborn I can be so he’s been offering a bit less lately but he still makes sure I am okay and know that if I need him, he’s there for me.
So is there something I can do to start letting people help me? I can’t seem to say hey I need help or accept the offers of help. If someone asks me for help I’m there for them without a doubt. As one person told me, I’m always helping and giving of myself but I never take and this can affect my friendships/relationships. Is this true?

[Connie S]

Hi Heidi,
These are the answers from the other post. I’ll answer your questions from this post in another reply.
Sorry for being confusing. The other post is basically from my past. My marriage was from a high school sweetheart. He was somewhat abusive (verbal) before we were married but it accelerated after we were married to physical, sexually and mental along with the verbal (I was pregnant before I was married. My mother told me I made my bed now lay in it. And yes she knew that my ex was abusive to me. She didn’t “try” to stop my marriage until the day came to get married and she said you know you don’t have to get married). I was in that relationship from the age of 17 to 26 (this is when I kicked him out of the house. Our son was 3 months old at the time and I found out while pregnant with him that he was cheating on me–this was the first guy to cheat on me). I stayed out of relationships because my ex would come around and abuse me telling me if he couldn’t have me no one would. Eventually I had to charge him but it didn’t really stop all of the abuse so technically the relationship ended when I was 26 but the abuse kept going for many years. I decided enough was enough and went to counseling. I made myself better for me and my children hoping that them seeing what was going on would not continue into their lives. I’ve been cheated on 4 times over the years (I am 48 years old now).
I used to wait a while before committing in a relationship but a so-called friend (she’s no longer in my life for other reasons) said to stop being so cautious as that’s why I’m not getting the guy. Being young and stupid/naive for following that advice, I’d wear my love on my sleeve and jump into relationships quickly. As I look back, that is my own fault and I am looking at taking my time now. It’s not like I’ve been in a lot of committed relationships but when I am, they tend to be long relationships (my last relationship that ended earlier this year was 9 years). There isn’t much in common with the guys I’ve dated other than they are cheaters and maybe they see my heart of gold and know how to take advantage of it). Each time I do look back at the relationship and I can see the approximate time frame of when it started. The only relationship I can really see the reason for cheating was my last one. He has an alcohol addiction and the past few years was drunk most of the time. He would deny a lot of things but he started watching porn more instead of wanting to have sex with me, he blamed me for a lot of stuff, etc. I tried to work on the relationship even though deep down I knew it was over (I did this because my friends thought he was a good guy at the beginning and I was truly happy and the fact I didn’t want to fail again).
What kind of relationship do I want–I want someone who wants me for me. I want to experience the love from a guy who truly wants to be happy. I want to go and experience things with him like travel, movies, new experiences, etc. I want all the things I deserve in life and most of all to be happy in a relationship. I look more at the person’s insides and not what they look on the outside.
I do have poor self esteem so I would rate myself at a 5 or 6. I know my friends say I am beautiful and smart, etc but I don’t see it all the time. I know why I don’t see it and it comes from my mother when I was younger and even to this day (she told me she was afraid of me yet she couldn’t tell me why). After many years of trying to work things out with my mother, I’ve walked away. When I was in counseling, they worked on that with me. I am much better than what I was and I know I will be seeing myself differently as I continue to work on me.
I’m not sure how I’d rate myself as being a good romantic partner. I do my best to be romantic but I’m not sure sometimes how guys take it. I am a very sexual person but at the same time, many years ago I was told that I guy was afraid of how “aggressive” I was. That has stuck in my head over the years so I keep myself held back usually. Recently I was looking back at this time-frame and thought I was not aggressive the way I took it at that time. I was enjoying the sex we were having and wanted more (I could have had sex on a daily basis with him–I was not in a relationship with this guy).

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