[Oleksandra R]

Thank you so much for such a deep message.
So, 2 years ago when we would walk while holding hands and sit on the floor while hugging each other – all of that was his initiative but I obviously gave in. However there was nothing more so for me that wasn’t like cheating, I know it wasn’t the right thing to do cause I wasn’t single but I don’t think he considers it as cheating as well. What he keeps talking about is that I’ll either disappear again like I did before or I’ll find someone else and I’ll be talking about my feelings for that someone behind his back (exactly how I was talking to him about us for 2 years) He also said once “Do you think these 2 months we spent together are enough to erase those 2 years?”

Whenever this conversation starts I always feel guilty and I regret not choosing him earlier and I told him that already. I also told him that I was sorry for disappearing and that I know I’d hurt him that way. But I’ve shown my loyalty and care within the last 2 months, I’ve been there for him up till now, I have made my decision and I’ve been showing my love in many ways.

It wasn’t easy for me to leave the relationships I was in, cause they lasted 4 years and I just got used to the person and it felt comfortable. There wasn’t much love, it was just a safe space for me.

I think he knows he makes me feel bad every time he brings up the past but then he does it anyway. And then he says he didn’t mean to offend me or hurt me that way.

About putting relationships away, I can do that. I texted him yesterday and it was a better talk than before actually. I think I am afraid if he leaves me when he comes back. He knows I’m waiting for him anyway and I hope it means something to him even though he says hurtful things. But I also feel like I need to prove every day that I want to be with him and I won’t disappear anymore. And it takes away all of my energy.

How do I make him see the present? I actually thought while he’s in a war he would realize that if I am waiting for him to come back I am no longer going to hurt him with disappearing and that I truly want to be with him. But I agree with you about him being afraid and being angry. It just seems like being in a war brings up the memories that hurt still and it happens to be me.

About him having hard time forgiving…how do I not let things go to the point where he would actually “punish” me for things in the past? Cause see, I mentioned in my first message he said he thinks it would be fair to disappear from my life cause it would make us equal. So that kind of seems like “punishment” so I would feel what he felt.

[Author]

Posts