[Rehab K]

Hey beautiful Heidi
Apologies for delayed response.. I went on a retreat with very little access to technology and an opportunity for cleansing which was very helpful
There had been no further developments but I feel that I have started to move on and leave that behind ☺️
Million trillion thanks for helping and guiding me .. hugely appreciated
Lots and lots of love

[Rehab K]

my email is [email protected]

[Rehab K]

Hey lovely

I meant do you provide one to one rather than have it done for yourself …
You are right about me not delving into my unconscious deep .. you see I never needed that and my life was going swiftly ok with almost no drama …so this is quite new to me and it is obviously throwing me
Please pass me the details ..I am keen to explore this further

[Rehab K]

And if I might explain ..this feeling I have of being unlucky and unworthy of this mans valuing is a reaction to his aggressive and dismissive behaviour rather than a core belief of myself ..we do react to other peoples behaviour towards us otherwise we will not be human and we will be more like robots existing in silo .. the significance of those reactions will rely on many things one of them might be the value we pit on people …
You are truly remarkable

[Rehab K]

Soooo thoughtful and incredibly helpful to hear from you
My initial thoughts would be about not really uncovering what is covered in our unconscious …not opening cans of worms . I have seen that work in the opposite direction for people and I am mindful that I really do not have a lot of baggage . As I explained I had a near ideal life with almost no drama ..quite boring and institutionalised really
Maybe you are right about further one to one help ..Do you do that ??

[Rehab K]

Hello Heidi and all

apologies for delayed contact ..just really struggling…
I am not able to let go ..I try so much behaviourally , cognitively and emotionally and keep having set backs

He cut all ties so bluntly and without a single word.. albeit a status on his social media stating “the only sure thing is change” which is a lyric from a song by Gloria Stephan. Using lyrics from songs was one of our things and I cant help but believe this is directed at me ! ..

I guess I now have absolutely NO hope that he will reach out in any way and that is a bit of a death I have to accept and mourn..I cant help but feel so unlucky and unworthy of being valued by the man I love sincerely and I gave to unconditionally. Its important to be mindful that he was the one who started this, I never sought or chased him…I am simply, and not for lack of genuinely trying, unable to move on! Keep having set backs and relapses even in my concentration on other tasks

All what you previously discussed makes perfect sense to me ..yet it seems that I can not apply it efficiently at the moment and have to stop myself from attempting to contact him

The most overwhelming thought is how can I/could I do it differently …I don’t believe I have any issues in terms of self worth and how I believe I should be treated by a man ..this is not my problem ..As I told you all my previous, very few, relationships started off by being chased and treated like a queen..then it becomes unsustainable and the tables turn sort of speak. This current situation is however so different and much more profound I don’t know why ..maybe because it ended so brutally , so unexpectedly and with me being a complete passive receiver with absolutely zero say in what happens

The other day I was so spaced out that I went on the escalator in the wrong direction and was saved by a stranger in the last minute. That is so unlike of me .I am quite a determined focused driven woman and it seems I am off balance and cant regain my composure efficiently

I want to let you know that I do immensely value your insights and I learn a lot from you

[Rehab K]

You are right Heidi. I tend to take people’s words at face value, also miss the red flags intentionally and unintentionally. I kind of have a belief that I will be able to manage , some over confidence maybe in myself and in others too :). This is coupled with a love for love itself ..dangerous mix really
I have an observation which I am not sure of its accuracy , is that most men, the great majority are emotionally unavailable and perhaps feel somewhat threatened by the notion of having to have such connection , especially in the current culture of relationships which is somewhat like an open buffet. Focusing on self love and connection to our selves can guide to some extent , not sure it will help arriving at the final destination however in relationships as two make a tango…right ?!!

[Rehab K]

Yeh can sound unusual , cant it …
I honestly can not recall an incident in which I was not listened to or appreciated . My parents were quite enabling and empowering , always encouraged and trusted . I was always allowed to make my decisions independently and was always supported with whatever the consequences were . I am the eldest so was always the joining point between my parents and my siblings
So my marriage started quite loving and again my x husband chased me for over a year !!! then we grew apart however family is big for me so I kept going until the girls got to university , especially that there was nothing abusive or hurtful , just mundane. I was more focused on my career and my daughters .. love was not a big priority for me at that point
On reflection , I think my pattern is I fall for men who chase woo and flood me with love , then I’m full on with them and give with no limit and then I loose their love !! and end up being rejected . Is this a pattern you came across before

[Rehab K]

Hey Heidi

I do look forwards to receiving your messages and insights 🙂
Actually , I have had very little rejection in my life . I had the most amazing childhood/ adolescents with such remarkable parents who loved, complemented one another and I was always treated like a princess . That also applies to schooling as I was always one of the favourites. At work I am successful and respected , so the answer is No , this does not trigger anything from the past !
The only rejection I experienced was from men who I genuinely believed . First time was in university when I had my first relationship with a guy who chased me for a year to begin with ..then broke up with me for another who he went on to marry
I then got married and carried on for 20 years ..most of them were loveless yet no rejection or abuse or trauma of any kind ..just mundane existing and running the business(daughters , mortgage , etc.)
I stayed single for 4 years ..lots of failed trials which I guess some of them could be classified as rejection yet they were meaningless to me and did not affect me . Then it was this guy and to be honest it evoked such feelings in me ,positive and negative simultaneously, I never experienced before
So perhaps I was sheltered , protected from this adversity…perhaps
I find it quite helpful when you do share things about yourself and your own experiences ..million thanks lovely

[Rehab K]

and yes…it is totally redirection and I’m trying to be directed to the right track..:)you are such a guiding force

[Rehab K]

I cant wait to read your book Heidi !!:)
want to do more to get deeper self love … I am trying to follow the Debbie Ford steps ..lets see

[Rehab K]

Beautiful Heidi

A line of thoughts started to appear and intrude on my thinking . I keep thinking that I failed to retain his love and keep his investment ..I had him and I lost him 🙁 . I keep feeling it was my fault…even partly

He did show me genuine love and connection . He stated repeatedly , with tearful eyes, that to him I am home !! So I keep thinking that I had all that and then I lost it !!! How can a woman keep a man’s love and not just be a passive reactor to what he does and decides??

[Rehab K]

Hey Heidi

I really do think you are pretty amazing , I find your responses to mine and others’ questions quite educative and informative

As for me I’m trying to
stay regular with all my activities and routines … and its pretty tough
Find enjoyment in the things I do and in my connection with my daughters , family , friends
Use distraction when it gets really hard
Every time he comes to my mind , I insist on seeing the full picture not only the idealised part
allow myself one opportunity everyday for a short period of grief and self pity 🙂
I have started learning a new thing ..its like walking through treacle pero bueno !!
noticing men’s attention but not really engaging ..and being ok with that
appreciating love I get from other routes , e.g. work , friends and family
what would you advise ??

[Rehab K]

Million thanks Heidi
Yeh having scenario tests sounds like fun , I must say that this man did well in such scenarios and they were not even tests. My daughters and my friends really liked him and that obviously re enforced my feelings for him, so maybe these things are not always as indicative as we want them to be !

I have checked those resources you kindly sent , interesting and would definitely try to put them to good use when I feel able and ready , now I’m trying to focus on every day behavioural aspects.
lots of love

[Rehab K]

I love the “finish the storey” technique and it works very well with me , I am trying to finish the storey with thoughts about myself as I really want to minimise validating him in any way .. positive or negative – I am thriving to get to a point of indifference about him . I am absolutely certain that he will never find a woman like me who can bring what I brought to him .. Proud of me ?? 🙂
The storey line I continue to struggle with is one of self blame .. how did I believe and completely bought into this unquestionably , how did I not figure him out and I consider myself a good judge of character .. on the other hand I keep remembering all the plans he very firmly laid out ” I will take you to meet my cousins in Italy in the summer “..etc

I find what you say extremely helpful and well thought ..other resources can be repetitive , over generic and a bit like manuals.. do this and don’t do that..which I find boring. There also seems to be the attitude of treating men like these precious creatures we need to tip toe around and treat with extreme thoughtfulness and sensitivity , while they behave like a bull in a china shop all the time .. feels unequal to some extent but I guess such is life
I do hope a better relationship experience for my daughters
Have a fab weekend lovely Heidi

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