[Rehab K]

I am also using the resources available here and else where to improve my view of myself within a relationship .. it does get overwhelming and dare I say boring at times 🙂 ..there is such a thing as too much focus LOL

[Rehab K]

I haven’t yet contacted him about my things, maybe it feels so humiliating or I don’t even want to validate him in anyway now especially that he has totally disappeared !
As for my plan , I think I am trying to shift my mindset to see this situation for what it is and this man for how he actually is , it is hard because too many things remind me of very beautiful moments , seminal moments which I had not experienced before..So I am aware of my tendency to idealise this whole thing and not see the true picture .. Therefore I am trying to really focus and engage with the other aspects in my life currently and not allow this situation to take over….
Thank you again … I am so glad I found you 🙂

[Rehab K]

Amazing Heidi

Such words of gold and actually really insightful , I do massively value your time and energy you put in this . I feel so easy listening to you and you are right , it is all about connecting better with myself and looking at this as an opportunity for growth , one I didn’t have before

[Rehab K]

Another train of thoughts that keep coming to me is about all the successful relationships , these men who keep honouring the love they have for women against all , Prince Charles and Camilla for example, and many more examples
Is it just fate / luck or is there something I’m completely lacking to be able to demand this from a man
Sleep is still difficult and he remains to be the last thing I think about before I go to sleep and the first thought I get in the morning

[Rehab K]

Hi Heidi

This is a whole new world for me , a world I thought I will never delve in…. and I honestly did not expect that much betrayal and hurt . There continues to be a little glimpse of hope in me that he will contact me again ..I’m waiting for this to die out

Everything you said has been really helpful and I wouldn’t have been able to manage the situation without 🙂 I am trying now to forget about getting answers or explanations and just move on . I know it will take time but I also know I’m resilient enough to do it !
My life is quite full and I’m trying really hard to focus on all other things ..It’s a bit more black and white than a colourful rainbow but ..it is what it is ..right !!?

I was not able to contact him about my things yet and he has completely disappeared as he never actually existed! …I’m also feeling extremely cynical about men and can’t bring myself to thinking of relationships at this moment ..I keep remembering him calling my “future wife” and feel a bit sorry for myself as well as quite stupid for believing … I don’t think I will be able to believe again so this has definitely shaped me ..

You helped me to open my eyes in a way I have not done before and look at myself in a different light ..yet I must say, I wish I have never met him or had to endure this .

Million thanks xxxx

[Rehab K]

i do appreciate your advise ..that sounds a good plan ..
on wards and upwards

[Rehab K]

Thanks a lot Heidi , very sobering and grounding advice
I must say that I have lost any faith or belief in relationships . I am far better investing only in myself
He still has lots of my things … what do you suggest I do about that ??!!

[Rehab K]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and insightful response
It is still very difficult for me to fathom as he was the one who approached and perused me , he was the one who was always proactive and few steps forwards , he was the one who “convinced” me of getting into this relationship time and time again. So I can not logically understand this shift which doesn’t have any apparent triggers . I keep asking myself the question weather I did something , was it me or was this a love bombing situation or id he just unstable. I realise that asking those questions is not helpful yet I do need to arrive at some form of closure and at least come out with some learning
This is my first relationship in 5 years after my marriage of 20 years ended 5 years ago, so I haven’t got tons of experience. I was married at 25 so I really know very little about managing a relationship with a man .I am 49 and he is 60 so we are supposed to be stable people. I honestly thought 100% this was it as he repeatedly confirmed to me that I am THE ONE …how cynical…

Million thanks for all your time

[Rehab K]

Million thanks
I agree logically with every word you are saying ..its just the realisation and moving on is so tough
XXX

[Rehab K]

Lovely Heidi

I should add here that I have send him couple of messages on WhatsApp which he did not respond to . They were photos of things we connected over previously , no text at all. Still he ghosted me which is completely uncharacteristic as he was the one forthcoming with communication mostly
Just thought this is important to clarify
X

[Rehab K]

Thanks so much Heidi , I massively appreciate this
What you are saying makes a lot of sense and it is so sensible too , it does not however reflect my hurt and feelings of love 🙁
His marriage was ended by his x wife and they have a very troubled relationship mostly around the boys …He dislikes her yet she has a firm grip on him ( he says because of his boys and that she is unstable !!!)
To be honest the whole marriage is not a priority for me , I just want the relationship to continue in any manner
I would like to use your suggestion in responding to him but I think I need to be more directive as leaving the choice with him might be too much for him to handle . Also do I need to leave some more time for him to calm ?! That email was sent a week ago now

Please advise

[Rehab K]

Hello

I’m very grateful that you got back to me , it made me breath finally
He said in that email that he is not happy , not able to give me what I need in a relationship as he wants to focus on his children . I have always supported him with caring for his children and never made it a competition in terms of his time , resources , etc.
He said that he wants to free me so I can find the man who will be able to “marvel” in my love and positivity !!!!!!
He even asked me not to try and convince him to carry on trying as it is unrealistic for this to continue !!!
The changes were really quite subtle, he started to talk less about our future together , he started to point out things which are different between us , he started to highlight some of my characters which he used to like and commend to be difficult !!!!
We live close and we used to spend time in one another’s houses once or twice / week which was all great
we have been together for 6 months . He met my daughters and I met his boys ….
I’m really grateful for your help and advise

[Author]

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