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  • in reply to: What do I do? I’m just not sure where he is at #32698
    Allegra B

    – If someone gave you $100,000, what would you do with it?
    – Would you rather spend money on experiences or things?
    – Do you think I am a spender or saver?

    His family
    – What was your childhood like?
    – What’s your family like?
    – Are you close with your family/spend time with your family? (depending how he answers above)

    – What do you love about your job?
    – If you could choose any career, what would it be?
    – How do you organise your time?

    – How do you see your life in 5 years?
    – Would you prefer 1 kid or 2?
    – If you couldn’t/don’t have kids, how would that make you feel?

    in reply to: What do I do? I’m just not sure where he is at #32681
    Allegra B

    I think that’s a good idea moving forward. After what I have been through recently.

    in reply to: What do I do? I’m just not sure where he is at #32666
    Allegra B

    – I do my workouts at home. 30-40 minutes 4-7 days a week. It depends on the program I am working on at the time. During the warmer weather, the days that I don’t have a workout scheduled I go for a 5k walk/jog.
    – Time with friends isn’t set. Id like to have a day a week but that doesn’t always work out, others have lives as well. I’m not asking for 3-4 times a week or anything, just no hassle when those times do come up.
    – Sleep time is somewhat flexible. 11-6 is my sleep time during weeknights because of the drive to work. It used to be 12-7 previously. Chances are it would never be 10-5. If that were the case it would be 10-6 or 10-7.

    – No absolutely not, having a dog isn’t a do or die things. I guess I just meant that he can’t hate them. It still says a lot about someone who doesn’t like/hates animals.
    – That’s totally acceptable because I know what family can be like. There is tension in my family right now caused by one of my sisters that is making things very difficult for everyone, so I get it. If this is the case, is he open to spending time with my family? Is he close to his friends family, kind of in a surrogate way?
    I guess I would ask why. Why doesn’t he like to do things? If he doesn’t have a physically demanding job and doesn’t like to be active in some way, how does he let off stress and pressure? A hike here or there on weekends during nice weather isn’t enough for most people, so what is he doing during his non working time?
    – I’m not sure what that means specifically. Trying kickboxing, glass blowing, cooking class, new sport, new hobby, etc. Maybe I know how to do something and he wants me to teach him and vice versa.
    – Income would be dependent on where we live. Currently where I live, 50k just doesn’t cut it for a single person. If he made 50k and we were smart about spending, yes, that would be enough. If we lived in TO, 100k a year wouldn’t be enough if you are smart with your money. Im all for spending money of those you love or people that need it, to an extent. That would be a conversation that would need to be had at some point.
    – Since I was a teenager I haven’t wanted my own kids. This could be due to a lack of self consciousness, who knows. If I met someone that had kids, I would be open to a relationship with him. If I met someone who was perfect in every way, but he wanted kids and it was a deal breaker, it would be sometime I would consider. He make make me change my own opinion on it without even knowing it.
    – I need room to breath. To me, the city is anything over 20k people. I grew up in a town with 2500, we had banks, grocery stores, restaurants, gas, that was enough for convenience. We drove 30 minutes to get it the closest “city” of 15k people to do any actual shopping like back to school and birthdays. If we wanted to hit Costco or a mall or specialty stores we had to drive 60-120 minutes depending on where we went. I am ok with that. I drive 70 minutes on way to work right now, I’m okay with that as well. I’d love to live in the country, away from the hustle and bustle of the city. If they meant being 20 minutes outside Toronto, okay. If we had 2 homes and one was in Toronto, I’d ask myself how often we would be living there. Is that our weekend home or permanent residence. I’d also ask how long we would be living there, 1-3 years, 5 years, 20 years? At this point in my life, for the right person, 1-5 years of city living would be okay I guess, but long term, no.
    – If he is doing something that truly makes him happy than yes, 50k a year would be fine, although teachers where I live make more than that to start with. But we would need to look at our living situation because that wouldn’t work in the city. Again, any of that would be fine. What he makes would just determine where we would live. It would be incredibly difficult to live off of 30k a year anywhere even with what I make. Again, I think because I live in Canada, our salaries are higher and he would likely make closer to 50k for a job like that. As for wall street, we don’t have “Wall Street” in Canada but if he worked in that market in Toronto, fine, but I’d prefer to live outside the city long term.
    – I don’t NEED him to cook or clean it would just be nice. I guess I NEED him to not expect it from me all the time. If I’m tired and didn’t want to cook, having takeout has to be okay. My work day is about 10 hours, from when I leave to get home, plus my workout/walk is another hour. So, it’s not like my day is short and relaxing either. If we both are working long hours and our incomes allow it, having someone to come in and clean 1-2 times a month would be totally okay with me.

    in reply to: What do I do? I’m just not sure where he is at #32659
    Allegra B

    Ok that is a lot to think about.

    I guess to start with, my non-negotiables for myself would be my sleep. I tend to go to bed at 11 and get up at 6. That works for me because I am a night person. I am used to being up after others and being quiet until I head to bed myself. It’s finding someone who is quiet in the morning if they have to get up earlier that is important. They need to be respectful of my sleep the same as I would be if they needed to be in bed earlier than me. My me time is a non-negotiable. That may be when I do my workouts, watching a movie or when I want to hang out with a friend. He cannot be controlling or clingy.

    Non-negotiables for him would include family. Family is very important to me. If he isn’t close to his family, why? If it’s a matter of that just not how he is raised but he still puts family first when it’s important, okay. Im with you on he must love animals. Im hoping to get a dog in the future and he has to love dogs. Dogs are called man’s best friend, if he can’t love a dog what does that say about him? He has to enjoy being active. If he has an active job that’s fine, if he enjoys working out great, if he likes to go for walks/hikes cool. I enjoy vegging once in a while, but getting out or getting up and moving is important to me and I would like someone who will join me. He must enjoy doing new things. Someone who will push me out of my comfort zone to try new things would be great. I enjoy doing new thing, but tend to need someone to do them with at first.

    I haven’t ever wanted kids. But that doesn’t meant I’m not open to discussing it. It’a not necessarily a deal breaker, but for sure a conversation that would need to be had. Living location is a big one for me. I grew up in a rural area and went to school in the city. It confirmed that I wouldn’t want to be in the city permanently. So where he wants to set down roots is important. I think I covered work previously. I’d prefer someone who works doing something they enjoy and makes good money. I don’t want to be living paycheck to paycheck and scraping by, but if we have to work jobs we hate to do so, it’s not worth it. I can get too into non-negotiables with regards to sex as I don’t have experience. I will say at this point he needs to understand and be considerate of the fact I am a virgin. When moving to a physical relationship I will need him to be patient and put me first to begin with. He can’t be forceful or dominant when it comes to sex, at least in the begging because I don’t know what I need sexually. I enjoy cooking and baking but hate cleanup, if he will clean up that would be great. But I also don’t want to be expected to cook every meal, so if he cooks and would do so a couple times a week, amazing. I grew up in a house where my dad almost never cooked. When he did, once in a blue moon, it wasn’t much more than frozen food from the freezer. He has to help out around the house and not EXPECT me to do it all.

    in reply to: What do I do? I’m just not sure where he is at #32642
    Allegra B

    Honestly my number one deal breaker is smoking. If/when I find out that they smoke, I’m out. I can’t and won’t deal with it. It’s a disgusting habit, plus I not in for dealing with the long term consequences of someone else’s choices like that. Some might say that is silly or even selfish, but I don’t care.

    My second would be being unemployed or have no ambition when it comes to their jobs. I’m not looking for someone to take care of me and I’m not looking to take care of him. A relationship to me is two people working as a team to create a foundation for a life together, not one sided.

    My third is a lack of personal health. That includes how they eat, if they workout/exercise, their personal appearance (sloppy or unclean). There are long term consequences to one’s health when it comes to eating habits and exercise. I understand that not everyone can have a six pack because they go to the gym everyday. A guy that has a physically demanding job is getting exercise in that form, that okay. But if he eats like crap and can’t control internal issues like blood sugar or cholesterol, he’s going to have issues down the road that could have been prevented. Again, I’m okay with being selfish in this sense. As for appearance, im not looking for someone who spends all of their time looking good, but he needs to put forth effort when out in public or private gatherings. I like my comfy pants and sweaters as much as the next person when at home, so he definitely can too. But it has its time and place.

    in reply to: What do I do? I’m just not sure where he is at #32623
    Allegra B

    yes I have. I’ve had a list of what I am looking for in a guy and a relationship. I’ve got deal breakers, and when I find out about one of them, I cut it off and move on. I’m trying to stick to 1 guy at a time right now because yes, it is draining and I just don’t have the energy at this time.

    in reply to: What do I do? I’m just not sure where he is at #32572
    Allegra B

    The second date seemed to be good. I just went to his place and we went for a walk and played some board games.

    He then disappeared on me for a few days. When I got ahold of him I did say to him that if he wasn’t interested anymore to be upfront and let me know. He said he was busy and had work and than asked me out for that Friday. I then didn’t hear from him again and when I tried to confirm plans he finally responded an hour before we were supposed to meet with “Hey, I’m really sorry, but I don’t want to pursue anything romantic at the moment. Nothing changed in the last week, I’ve just been dragging my feet with acknowledging it. I’m sorry.”

    To say I was pissed was an understatement. I did have a quick chat with him but ended up texting him how I was feeling. Making it clear how upset I was because I specifically asked him to be honest just days before and he should have been honest and also NOT asked me out again.

    I also went on a date with another guy I had been chatting with a few days before Christmas. Plans changed as I was driving so instead of a walk I ended up going in a tractor with him for a couple hours (work). He seemed nice and all so it was more just the usually first date awkwardness. Then we went back to his place for dinner.

    We chatted for a bit and than this got a little uncomfortable. He asked about my sexual experience which I answered no problem, no point in trying to hide it. He did kiss me, which was super awkward but what can you do. It’s when he was touching my leg and kept going back to my sexual history that I got really uncomfortable. I ended up having a friend call me and making up and excuse to leave. I did chat with him briefly a couple of days later and told him how I felt. He apologized and said he wasn’t really sure what to expect. A couple days after that he asked me out again, I politely declined and said maybe another time. I haven’t heard from him since.

    I also worked up the nerve to message the first guy I was talking to. Letting him know how I felt about being ghosted after making plans to meet. He responded almost right away that he was happy I texted and he lost my number when his phone broke. We have been chatting since and made plans to meet this past weekend. He texted me just before I was supposed to leave to say he was sick and we should postpone. Have really heard anything from him since Saturday around noon 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

    I think I’m ready to take a break. It’s been a frustrating month to say the least.

    in reply to: What do I do? I’m just not sure where he is at #32390
    Allegra B

    I’m not sure how to be more forthcoming about this issue when I don’t know where it stems from. I’m just uncomfortable with physical contact. I’m not sure what else to say at this time 🤷🏼‍♀️

    in reply to: What do I do? I’m just not sure where he is at #32370
    Allegra B

    I’m actually meeting him tonight.

    Yes. I talk with him every day via text. I’m good with that, hate talking on the phone, so keeping it this way for now is great.

    Not interesting per se and not surprising. Just my awkwardness coming out 😂 when he held my hand, in my head I was thinking “okay…we are doing this” 🙉 and when he hugged at the end of the date I was just standing there trying not to pull away 🤦🏼‍♀️

    Baby steps. My physical contact issues are legitimate 😂

    in reply to: What do I do? I’m just not sure where he is at #32354
    Allegra B

    He’s sweet and funny. I’m not 100% sure I’m attracted to him in a romantic way but I’m willing to try a couple dates to find out.

    He is aware yes. We were talking about past relationships vs hookups. I wouldn’t say I’m at ease. I was still very nervous and kind of awkward on the date. That would be my lack of experience I would imagine.

    Oh, not pictures with them. That I’m ok with. It’s when there are just pictures of a dog or car or truck, and they aren’t in them at all. I just don’t get why that’s there then. I love dogs and cats and am not opposed to dating someone with either. It’s just if there are pictures of random things and they don’t have pictures of themselves, usually I think, why is this here and not him?

    That’s true too. I haven’t come across too many of those to really worry about them. Mostly it’s either nothing at all or a short blurb or points about them. I think I’m getting a bit better a weening out the duds, but who knows.

    I also have another guy asking me out. He asked for Friday so that’s a no go, but I’ll see hoe Friday does go and reevaluate at that point. I don’t see why I can’t meet them both, I’m not in a relationship with either at the moment. I just know not to meet them on the same night lol

    in reply to: What do I do? I’m just not sure where he is at #32338
    Allegra B

    Haha I did. We went for a trail walk for a bit over an hour. It was good. I felt a little awkward, but that not surprising to me. He held my hand multiple times and hugged me at the end. He is aware of my lack of dating experience and reservations about physical contact, so that helped.

    I am meeting him in his hometown on my way home from work. I don’t know the area or things to do so I suggested he think of something and let me know.

    My go to swipe left reasons are………less than 2 pictures, blurry pics, all pics with friends, pet pics, car pics, etc. if they don’t have anything written in their profile at all. My theory is, if they can’t put any effort into their profile they aren’t going to put much effort into any sort of relationship.

    in reply to: What do I do? I’m just not sure where he is at #32327
    Allegra B

    Thank you. Yes we did end up meeting on Saturday.

    Any help you can provide in guiding me in filtering out potential duds would be great.

    Yes it is an amazing country to live in. I don’t have any relationship/cultural expectations/limitations, etc.

    I am meeting this guy again on Friday for a few hours. I’ve left it up to him to plan what we are going to do. So we will see how it goes.

    in reply to: What do I do? I’m just not sure where he is at #32313
    Allegra B

    Hi Heidi, thanks for that. I haven’t started looking at people to talk to, so any help or contact information would be very helpful.

    Coach Spyce said above that she wasn’t sure where I am writing from? That would be Canada, born and raised 3 generations. If that gives any insight at all, run with it please.

    Also, I will let you know how the first date goes. It may not be today at this point. I have been in and out of the hospital the last 2 days with what doctors think is a gallbladder issue so it depends if the pain stays subsided or not.

    in reply to: What do I do? I’m just not sure where he is at #32293
    Allegra B

    I have thought about talking to someone in general. I am not crazy, I know there is something there that needs to be looked into, I just haven’t figured out who.

    I’d things don’t work out with the guy I am seeing tomorrow, then I would consider just dating. If nothing, a free meal and experience may be worth the night out.

    The guy I’m meeting seems to be a real genuinely nice guy, and the conversation flows nicely, so I hope to see things develop further, but no guarantees that when we meet in person it will be the same. We shall see.

    in reply to: What do I do? I’m just not sure where he is at #32283
    Allegra B

    10 different people?

    Ya I can guarantee that won’t happen in a month, or 2 or maybe even 3. I don’t have the dating pool a lot of people have due to my location.

    That’s not to say I won’t go out with nobody, but need to wait for opportunities. Again, when you get matched and the guy ends up just wanting a hookup, I’m not entertaining the idea of meeting with him. I’m not putting myself in that position and I don’t think it’s fair to him either.

    I guess I’ll just have to start with Saturday and see how that goes. I can take it from there.

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