[Myo]

Hi Heidi,

I have anxiety about my love life. I can see that my comment might make him pull back since it seems like I’m not all in and he is. My version of “all in” is a slow transition while his “all in” is now. I’ve told him that he is not responsible for my past experience and that I am working on letting go of past trauma. I will definitely work on solidifying EXACTLY what I need for him to support me.

We have also shared a bit of our future plans before this event happened. He said that he’s not sure what will happen in the future, but he said that for now, he just wants explore with world/local neighborhood with someone he loves. For me, I want a long-term partner to count on to weather through the difficult times. Is he in the Knight phase? Maybe a little bit of the Prince phase too because when I asked him what a happy relationship would look for for him, he said,

“It would mean that my wife would support and love me unconditionally. She would put in the same love and energy that I give her. She would care about my struggles, wants, and ideals just as I would hers.”

I can tell that he is family oriented and needs a spouse who is all in. I’ve asked him about what I can do to support him and he said that me being beside him is enough and that I’ve been supportive emotionally. What other questions can I ask to get a clearer picture of who he is and what he wants to do? He tends to be more quiet, so I need to ask him questions to learn more about him. Oh, I also asked about the Knight/Prince phase to see if there is a difference in communicating with the two?

Also, thank you for that last paragraph. I really appreciate you helping with the wording because it’s very helpful and supportive. I would like feel more comfortable telling this to him in person, but I feel a bit nervous to text him for a meet up. I feel like I need a few days to calm down but also worry about whether he will text me. I’ve read all of “His Secret Obsession” and wonder if I should use the the curiosity triggers in this situation? If not, should I sent a simple, “Hey! Let’s meet up for coffee on Sunday.”

I appreciate you,

Myo

[Myo]

Hi Coach Spyce and Heidi,

Thanks for your support, Coach Spyce. Yeah, I was feeling a bit nervous and scared.

I took into consideration what you both said I think my conversation with him went well. I told him that I needed my space and I didn’t feel comfortable sharing the same bedroom as him. He was a bit bummed and asked if there was a future day that I might be okay, and I said that I just wanted to focus on the present since thinking too far makes me anxious. I asked him if he was mad or upset with me, and he said that he wasn’t.

Heidi: I’m really glad you pointed out that my words and actions might make him confused and defensive because that’s exactly what he told me (“I’m confused. Did I do something wrong?”). Even after we had our discussion, I felt that he was still a bit bummed out, so I talked about our other interests like food videos on Youtube and music. It seemed like our call ended more lighthearted because he and I were laughing.

I wonder how I should proceed after this? I’m glad I had the conversation with him because it’s better to address concerns earlier instead of letting them fester, but I’m still feeling a bit anxious. I keep thinking, “Does he not like me now?” which I know is not true. I’ve had non-romantic situations where the confrontations did not go well and the relationships ended poorly. I don’t want the same thing to happen with this guy. I know my insecurities are something I need to work on. Any advice?

[Myo]

Hi Heidi,

Thank you for your feedback. I appreciate that you pointed out that my communication seems to be blaming and might confuse him.

Let me clarify about his vacation offer: I would like to go on vacation with him but would rather share separate bedroom. He sent me a place that only had one bedroom and I assumed that he might want sex during that time. You are right that it is my assumption and he never said anything about sex. I’ve also experienced physical abuse in the past and have told him about it. I want to be clear that I am comfortable going on vacation with him but not sharing the same bedroom/intimate space: “I’m excited to go on a trip together, but I would feel more comfortable if we stayed in a place with separate bedrooms because I need my own space.”

And like you’ve mentioned, I might suggest to him about postponing an overnight vacation all together and just do day outings.

Any additional thoughts?

I appreciate your advice!

[Myo]

I felt pretty good about asking him. I just finished ‘His Secret Obsession’ and remembered a section about making a list of places to visit with your partner, so I framed my question similarly to him: “Can we make an official list so that we can slowly make our way through it? Because I’m getting overwhelmed by the additions.” He said yes and I asked to type up the list and send it to me so we can both have a copy. 🙂

[Myo]

Thanks for the advice Coach Spyce! I’ll ask him next time. 🙂

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