[Myo]

P.S. How long should I wait until I contact him? The last time he messaged me was on May 9th. This coming Sunday, May 23rd will be two weeks. I feel like that should be enough time for him to reply. I sent him a message on May 14th telling him about something funny that happened to me.

Maybe I accidentally tipped him into the friend zone because after our date, I sent him a message that said, “Thanks again for lunch! I had fun hanging out with you today.” He replied, “It was great meeting you too. I had a great time visiting the community area and food.”

I guess I should have been more forward by saying that I had fun on our date, but he used the term ‘hanging out’ in person. It could also be that there wasn’t any chemistry in person. This guy is more of a feeler than me, so he probably didn’t feel any strong attraction towards me. Although I’m a thinker, I’m quite sensitive to other people’s feelings, and I didn’t feel that he had a romantic interest in me in the end…

He is an interesting person, so I would still like to be friends with him if he’s open to it. How can I ask him if a friendship is possible even if a romantic relationship off the table?

[Myo]

Hi Heidi,

Oh actually there’s a backstory to his comment: During one of our video calls, I was explaining that I have realistic expectations of a relationship and that I understood that there might be challenges between me and my partner but I was willing to work through them.

Later he texted me:

“A good sense of logic is great. But I feel your skipping past all the really fun parts about a relationship, like falling in love or being romantic with someone to ward off what comes after :). More heart please”

Like wow, that was really good feedback from him so I think that’s why I’m still interested. I think his comment also has to do with me staying in the present more than thinking about the future (I know this is a bit where my anxiety comes in a bit). I’m working on that too by journaling and meditating. But yes! I will definitely ask him for feedback.

I think I what you mean when you talk about feminine energy. I notice that some of my female friends give off a feminine aura naturally. Whereas I feel like I’m competitive and feel like I have a need to be tough. Do you have any resources or reading material that could help me tap into the feminine side of myself?

Thank you as always!

Myo

[Myo]

I went on a date last weekend. I thought it went well and I’m still interested in the guy, but I feel like he is no longer interested because he doesn’t message me anymore. It’s been a week since he sent me a message I don’t want to assume anything but I’d also like to find out where he stands.

At the beginning he messaged me on the dating app almost every day and we had two virtual video dates before meeting in person. When we ate lunch, we started to talk to other customers at the restaurant and ended up sitting at a table with them. When a guy asked what we were doing in the area, he said that we were ‘hanging out’. I’m fine with the date turning into a hang out but wonder when it changed status? He was clear during texting and video dates that he was taking me on an in person date.

It’s been a week since I sent him a message, and he hasn’t replied. The last thing I said was that I enjoyed our date and he said that he enjoyed it too but didn’t follow up with any kind of ‘lets continue to date in the future’. And yet, he hasn’t deleted me from the app. I wonder if it is because I didn’t give him my number? I’m hesitant to give guys my number if there is not a second date. He has offered his number to me before, so he might be wondering if I’m not interested in him. Other than the phone number, I don’t think I gave off the impression that I’m not interested.

He has mentioned before during our video dates that he would like for me to have ‘more heart’ when dating. And I immediately thought of Heidi! Haha…I really don’t know how to switch from ‘brain mode’ to ‘heart mode’. I feel like being analytical is part of my personality, but I’m a pretty friendly and warm person too! We’ve had deep conversations too and I’m pretty ‘mind centered’ when I talk about abstract topics too.

Part of me has accepted that things have ended with this guy. I will gracefully bow out, but part of me also wants feedback on why he’s not interested so that I can work on myself for future dates.

[Myo]

Hi Coach Spyce!

I guess I’m just wondering if this idea that you’re “overly cautious” and not trusting enough is truly coming from a rational place inside of you, or if it’s something that you’ve been told by men who want you to change.

Being cautious is definitely my nature; after all I’m meeting strangers that I have no connection to, so I like to take take to get to know them first. My friends and family also keep mentioning that if I guy likes me, he will wait for me and not pressure me towards anything. 🙂 So I know have found a good partner if he stays with me and understands my boundaries.

I also like the apps because you get to screen candidates to a certain degree. I usually post my interests and my life goals as part of the summary on the apps. I also add a ‘call to action’ part of my profile, like guessing 2 truths and a lie or ‘Ask me about how to make the best pasta!’ so that guys take initiative to continue the chat. Are there any specific or special things that I can add to my profile to attract better matches? Most of my matches are bleh! :/ I have my list of non-negotiables (kindness, vulnerability, ability to change and grow–are my major ones), but they are difficult use to assess a person unless I spend time with them. I suppose I can add a question to my profile or ask a question during our chatting period to see what their response would be.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Myo

[Myo]

P.S. Do you have any advice for using online dating apps? I’ve found them useful for meeting people during the pandemic, but also have gotten a mixed bag. Usually I text chat with potential matches for a day or two and then if I find that we have a lot to talk about, I do a video call. Depending on my weekend schedule, I met up with them within a week or two and see how it goes there.

Last time when I was narrowing down in person meet ups, I ended up with 5 people, but I felt kind of burned out (even though I met them on different days and weeks). I think I need to be more intentional this time and only meet up to 2 people and pick one to focus on moving forward. Or I probably just need to focus on one person at a time during the texting stage and not be texting 10 people at a time…I usually get a lot of matches so it’s a bit overwhelming to filter through all of them.

[Myo]

Hi Heidi,

How did you feel at the end of the conversation?? How did you feel about the technique of getting curious?
I felt pretty good and felt like I had solved the ‘mystery’ of why he suddenly needed a break. Using the getting curious technique was SUPER useful because it allowed me to understand his inner world and created a safe space for him to share without fear of judgement.

I’m wondering why you both chose not to continue to date. Was there just not enough chemistry and interest to move forward??

The main thing is that he felt like he needed to resolve his inner struggles before moving forward with a relationship. I got the strong feeling that he had a bad breakup in the past and is still not over it. He said that he didn’t want to bring his past feelings into our current relationship and needed more time to work on himself. He said told me not to wait for him and to move on with other dates, so that’s what I’ve decided to do.

Thank you so much for the recommendations! I love Brene Brown and really resonated with her book, “Quiet”. I’ll definitely check out her Netflix movie.

You mentioned in an earlier post that I approach love and dating with my head more than my heart, and funny story–many of my friends agreed when I told them about my experience. Do you have any reflection questions and resources that can help me approach dating and love from a more heart-centered place? I think my ‘head approach’ is developed partially from my mom’s advice and my own personality, so I may come across as overly cautious to some people. Additionally, because of previous trauma, I tend to over-analyze people to protect myself. I’m working with a therapist to address my trauma but also know that I need to work on telling future dates what I need in order to feel safe.

Myo

[Myo]

Hi Heidi,

I met up with him today, and we had a long walk and talk about what happened between us. I used the validation and get curious methods you mentioned and found out that he had a dream where he traveled and cuddled with his significant other. He had mentioned it before, but he went into more in depth about why that was his goal and how he would feel upon making that dream a reality. I told him that it sounded really romantic and validated that he felt sad and disappointed when I told him that I didn’t share the same bedroom. He said that he trusted me, so that’s why he felt it was okay to ask me and thought I felt the same.

I thanked him for his trust and clarified that it’s not an impossibility for me, but I would like to get to know him more. He agree that he jumped in too quickly by asking me out on a vacation and noticed that it made me uncomfortable. I asked him how did he know it made me uncomfortable and he said that I gave a vague answer and didn’t want to talk about it more. I said that I felt sad that he didn’t validate my uncomfortable feelings and wondered why he didn’t say ‘Sorry for making you feel uncomfortable.’He told me “I guess I didn’t really think about it. I was just focusing on reaching my dream.”

At the end of the walk, I asked him how he was feeling. He said that he was feeling good and that we were on good terms. He said that he needed more time to think and probably needed to see a therapist. I encouraged him to do so and shared my own experience of having better clarity after seeing a therapist to help me with my anxiety about my dad. We ended up retracting our ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ status and he said that he’d like to keep in touch.

From this experience, I can tell how focusing on the “other” can be detrimental in a relationship. I’m glad that you mentioned that it’s best to focus on ourselves and not the other person since I saw a bit of my guy focusing on “the other” helping him reach his fantasy dream.

At this point, I think I can give this experience a somewhat “case closed” since I have a better understanding of what happened. Moving forward, I can take the lessons I learned from this experience and apply it to my future dates and potential relationships. 🙂

Thanks so much for helping me with this situation, Heidi! I definitely felt a lot better with your support! Do you have any other resource recommendations for dating and relationships besides the Gottman Institute? I like reading books as well.

With much gratitude,

Myo

[Myo]

Hi Heidi,

We’re going to meet up on Tuesday.

Yes, I agree that a relationship needs all of the languages. My order is words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving & giving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. I fairly confident that this order has been solidified since I was a child.

Like you mentioned, having a verbally abusive father probably made me crave words of praise and love. I got this need met through my teachers in my early schooling years. They would praise and encourage me, so I would continue being a good student. I also loved listening to stories and reading fiction books. I feel like I developed a lot of my introspection and reflection skills through reading, so I have a strong attachment to written words as well as spoken words. Acts of Service and gifts were something that I saw often in my family, so they became part of my top three as well.

Quality time was not something I saw between my parents nor between myself and my parents. I remember wanting to have them read me a story before bedtime as quality time, but they were usually too tired or didn’t want to do it. The only quality time we had was when we ate dinner together every evening. I think it’s also why I love food because it brought my whole family together. The happiest memories I have with my parents and relatives were around tables of food.

Physical touch is a very interesting love language that I haven’t explored much. My parents are not the touchy, feely type of people. For my Dad, physical touch is practically foreign because when he was younger, if his family members touched him, it was usually them hitting him. For my Mom, physical touch equated to hugs, but she only gave hugs when I was sad. As a child, when I would reach out to her for random hugs, she would as me “What’s wrong?” So I guess I unconsciously thought, “Oh, hugs cannot be for happy reasons, only sad reasons.” It will be interesting to see how my boyfriend interprets this language.

Thank you for the tips about creating a safe space! I will definitely use them when I speak with him.

I’ve also thought of an exercise to address a concern that keeps popping up in my mind. I feel uneasy with some of the ways he words things like

I worry that you might not be ready to give me what I am asking for.

…my needs won’t be met even though I’m trying to be vulnerable and investing in my partner.

It feels like he is only looking for what his partner can give him and not what he can offer his partner. I understand that I’ve been thinking this way too, even though a relationship is supposed to be a two way exchange. Even then, the word “exchange” seems very transactional and not heart centered.

I think this craving for an outside love source happens because I feel like I’m missing something, and I end up depending on my partner to ‘give’ it to me. This is not a healthy mindset. I want to become a strong woman who lives with abundance instead of emptiness and that abundance must come from within me, instead seeking it from an external source. So moving forward, I will try my best to think about what I can offer my partner (“what can I offer my boyfriend?”) from the abundance I have inside of me (which I know that I have). What do you think? I would also like to ask my boyfriend to try this exercise with me (“what can I offer my girlfriend”?) but don’t know how to phrase it?

Thanks so much again! I really appreciate your insight!

Myo

[Myo]

Hi Heidi,

I’d like to send you a big virtual hug because your letter did wonders for me!

I found out that we were having a HUGE communication problem; basically we were showing our affection with our preferred love language instead of our partner’s preference. Mine is words of affirmation/acts of service and his is physical touch. Now that I think about it, he often asked to hold my hand and gave me extra hugs but I never initiated those actions.

Here’s what he said:

“I really appreciate the kind words. I think your are an amazing girl that fits a lot of what I was looking for. I think you can be someone I can spend the rest of my life with and explore life with. I guess I have my own trauma from past relationships. My fear comes from feeling that my needs won’t be met even though I’m trying to be vulnerable and investing in my partner. I hope that we can work together so that we can both feel comfortable to provide the things we need from each other. My love language is physical touch and quality time. These are very important to me and something I dream to have in my future partner. I know that you have been through some bad experiences in the past so I worry that you might not be ready to give me what I am asking for. I definitely do not want you to force you to do anything you don’t want to but at the same time that is how I really feel loved. We can go for a walk this weekend to talk more. I think I’m ready and I would like to see you again.”

I thanked him for being vulnerable and said:
“I’m sorry I haven’t been showing you affection with your preferred love language. 🙈 I’m not familiar with physical touch because it’s not common in my family, including extended relatives. It was expected that everyone’s love language should be acts of service, but my preference is words of affirmation. So I understand your loneliness when you don’t receive love in your preferred language. We can talk about it more in person.”

Holding hands, kissing, and hugging are all part of physical touch, right? I know sex is as well, but I’m REALLY not ready for that at the beginning of a relationship. I will need to work on showing him more affection in his love languages because mine are the opposite: words of affirmation, acts of service/receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch.

I’d also like to thank you for pointing out that I need to create a safe space for him to be vulnerable. Having a partner who is vulnerable is one of my top 5 non-negotiables, but I never thought about needing to creating a safe space so that he can talk about his feelings. I had a similar problem with my Dad. He wanted to spend quality time with me, but because he always said hurtful things to me, I didn’t want to spend time with him.

Do you have more advice and resources about creating safe spaces in relationships?

Thank you so much again, Heidi!

Myo

[Myo]

Hi Heidi,

I’m going to decide to send him the letter after all. I’ve been focusing a lot of self-care this week but every now and then I think about this guy. I know I’ll feel better once I send it.

But I also want to be in a good headspace when I talk to him moving forward. Do you have any suggestions on how I can focus on improving this?

Thank You,

Myo

[Myo]

Hi Coach Spyce,

It’s good to hear from you! Thank you so much for the emotional support and acknowledging my decisions and feelings. 🙂

I do want to acknowledge though that it’s not bad or wrong of you to not want to rush into making plans with someone as you’re getting to know them.

Yeah, like in a previous post I mentioned that the guy was making too many future plans, and I wanted to slow down and take the relationship week by week. I feel like I’m a pretty grounded and realistic person when it comes to dating, but it seems like the guy IS projecting some kind of fantasy in his mind. I’m an idealistic thinker myself, but I also know how to take things step by step to reach/find my “ideal” romantic partner.

To be fair, he not being able to handle that and then needing a break from the relationship to process says way more about him and his maturity level than it does about you.

Absolutely. I understand and appreciate that he is aware of his feelings and needing to take a break right away before things continued and got more serious. But I also find it a bit strange for him to backtrack so quickly.

That’s why Heidi talks about dating people at their worst. If you can see what they are like when they are stressed, angry, triggered, etc and still feel like you want to be with them, that’s a good sign.

I totally agree with Heidi’s take on dating people. When I talk to potential dates, I tell them about all the struggles I’m going through and especially mention about mental health. If they are afraid to talk about that topic, I can easily cross them off my list. I also share a few “fallen from grace” situations in my life to see how they respond. Do they respond kindly? If not, then good bye!

To me, it’s a bit of a red flag that this supposedly emotionally mature and communicative man who likes you so much and is looking for this big love, is so ready to give up at the first sign of discomfort. I also am not happy with how he did it. It basically is setting up a scenario where you’re in the wrong, you didn’t do enough, and now you have to try and “win him back”. Something is fishy here to me…

Yes. I agree with this too. For me, when I commit to someone, I’m also willing to work through the disagreements and arguments we will have. It’s frustrating that he doesn’t want to share his feelings, but I will respect his decision and let him sort out whatever is going on internally. He had mentioned on the phone that we could possibly meet up to walk and talk, so I will wait to see if he follows up with that plan. I’m going to wait for him to text me before I do anything because if he doesn’t reach out, then I’m going to save my time and move on. If he does reach out, then I will talk about the topics listed in the letter. I’ll continue taking the time to work on my non-negotiable list so that my next round of dating will be easier to filter out candidates.

I found this list of 100 questions to ask on dates: https://www.forgettingfairytales.com/different-questions-to-ask-when-dating/. What do you think? I think they are pretty meaningful questions to get to know people.

Thanks again for your support! I appreciate you!

Myo

[Myo]

How many non-negotiables do people usually list? Is there a recommended amount? 20 seems like a lot to me. Right off the bat, I know some of my non-negotiables are:

1. Kindness; gentle natured; peaceful heart
2. Open to different cultures; willing to learn about me as an Asian American
3. Growth mindset/Personal development
4. vulnerability, courage and safety (no pressure and no blaming)
5. Family/Community oriented (able develop healthy relationships with people)
6. Emotional maturity and able to talk about mental health; heart is at peace
7. financial stability
8. Being understanding; non-judgemental
9. Expressing words of affirmation
10. Foodie

There are some overlapping themes, and I’m not sure how to break them down. Do you have any suggestions?

Tell me more about why this quote really resonates for you. What does it make you feel? What kinds of thoughts do you have about this?

“The one standing in infinite glory is you; the one fallen from grace is also you. What matters is ‘you’ and not the state of you.”

This quote really resonates with me because the character who says it really embodies everything that I would to have in a partner and in myself as well. It is kind and forgiving. It is realistic and epic at the same time. It acknowledges the difficulties in the life but does not let them hinder the myriad of possibilities for a happy future.’What matters is you’ is especially powerful and moving to me because it looks at the person holistically and leans towards a person’s positive characteristics instead of focusing on a person’s bad/negative actions. It’s like a parent knowing that their child is a good kid, but sees them doing something wrong. They do not blame their child, but kindly and patiently ask why their child did that action and ask them to do better next time.

[Myo]

Hi Heidi,

Thanks for the tough love! Definitely feel like I need it and your advice also helps me with my other non-romantic relationships as well.

I really loved how you worded the letter! Thank you so much for writing it all out! I feel like you know me really well. Honestly, when I first read it, I felt really vulnerable. You described the exact feelings that I feel towards this guy. I think I feel uncomfortable because if I send this to him, it will actually make him want to reconnect with me. Which is good! But it also would be a bit awkward and scary since we left off on an uncomfortable conversation. I sat and thought about these feelings for a while and came to the conclusion that I need to experience these feelings in order to grow as a person. It’s super hard and scary at first, but I’ll feel much better afterwards.

I also want to address your other point before I send him the letter. I believe you already addressed talking about the future it in the example you sent me, but I want to share my feelings on:

But what you want to focus on is helping him feel safer with you. I’m not sure how expressive you have been with him. Did you share your positive feelings a lot with him? Did you offer compliments? Did you ever talk about your imaginary/possible future ideas about you guys as a couple?
I showed him a lot of verbal appreciation during our dates, like paying for meals, driving, making sure that I’m okay, spending the whole day with me, etc. I also flirted a lot over text messages. I felt a bit more shy in person, but I linked arms with him during our dates and always gave him a kiss at the end. When he spoke about being committed, I told him all the qualities that I liked about him, like being emotionally available and mature, being very polite and gentlemanly, and making me laugh.

However, talking about the future is my weakest suit. I feel VERY uncomfortable and weird about talking about the future at the very beginning of a relationship. I might talk about it 3-4 months into the relationship, but I don’t want to put too much hope into the relationship in case it doesn’t work out. I know this is my anxiety talking and it’s super not healthy because it’s a self-prophecy for failure. I THINK it’s going to happen, so eventually it will happen because that’s the energy I’m putting out there.

My boyfriend, however, spoke about future date plans immediately upon our second date. Every time we met in person or texted, he would say “we should go here”, “we should put that on our list”, “what country should we travel to first?” It was very strange to hear him say those things because I never expected it so early and my previous relationships never mentioned the future. I felt very flattered that he liked me so much to make so many plans. I understand that the benefit of making these plans is to develop our relationship into something long term and to plan impactful dates. I don’t know when couples usually talk about the future. I’d imagine it would be a bit later in the relationship, so I felt a bit rushed whenever he mentioned future plans. I’ve also mentioned a few restaurants to try in the future together, but his future ideas were more large scale. I can sense that he wants an epic romance. 🙂 I’m a bit intimidated by his energy, but I’m also excited because I feel like I’ve found a really great guy and I don’t know what to do with myself.

Besides the Gottman Institute, do you have any other resources about how to practice talking about the future with your partner? I’ve read about it in “His Secret Obsession” as well.

Thank you as always!

Myo

[Myo]

P.S. I forgot to add something: If he reaches out to me, I would like to express to him that I was hurt when he suddenly said that he’s not ready for a relationship because it felt like a breakup. Is this wording okay? “I felt really confused and hurt when you said that you weren’t ready for a relationship. I was really excited to start this new journey with you and hoped that you felt the same.”

[Myo]

Hi Heidi,

Thank you so much for your detailed response! I appreciate that you asked a lot of questions and gave me some perspectives to think about. This year I’m focusing on different areas of personal development, so I like having someone guide me like this. I like taking time to do reflections.

So, oh gosh! I have a huge update: My boyfriend (of 4 days? lol) and I broke up/are taking a break. I’m so confused! Here’s our journey so far: I met him through Bumble; we spoke virtually for the first few dates. Then met in person 4-5 times. On Sunday, he officially asked me out and said “I want to commit to you”. Everything was going great until the conversation about the vacation and the one bedroom airbnb on Wednesday, which was the problem I had in my original post.

We spoke on the phone today (Friday) and he said, “I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship yet. I think I rushed into it.”

I was shocked and asked why, and he repeated that he wasn’t ready yet. When I asked him whether this was about the vacation situation, he said, “I was disappointed, but that not it. It’s not you. It’s me. I’ve been thinking about my feelings a lot and need some time. I have a hard time being vulnerable. I thought that once we became official, it would be better, but it’s not.”

I asked him if it had to do with his past relationships. On a previous date, he told me that in he felt that he was the only one putting in any effort and love in previous relationships. So he was just hoping to receive at least a little more than what he gave. At that time, I asked him if he felt like I was putting enough effort and love and he said that I had done more than the other women had.

Back to the present: When I asked if he wanted to talk about it and work though it together, he said, “My heart has been wounded. I need time to heal. I don’t think we should go into a relationship this way. We should be two adults going into a healthy relationship.”

I asked him if we were breaking up of if we were taking a break; he thought for a bit and said taking a break. He said that we could talk as friends. I said that I was disappointed was hoping to be more than friends. (I wonder if my comment was crossing his boundaries?) I told him that I appreciated him, using the words and phrasing in your previous post and told him that we could talk and go on a walk sometime. He likes to take walks since it helps clear his head and usually we hike on our dates.

He was willing to do that and said that we should take a break this weekend and maybe think about it next weekend. I felt that he really needed his space and said okay. I told him that he could contact me when he’s ready.

Honestly, I don’t know if he will contact me or not, but really appreciated that he reach out to me to talk about this. I can tell that he’s a considerate guy and very in tune with his feelings, which is why I really like him. It’s frustrating though because it seems like his feelings went from hot to cold super fast within a span of a few days.

If he does reach out to me again, I would like to know how to best move forward with him.

But in the meantime, I’m going to take a break from dating to work on myself. 🙂 You are spot on about my anxieties. I will try to address the questions and points that you’ve mentioned:

My anxieties about love stem from my father: My father has been verbally abusive since I was young, towards me and my mother. He would take out anger on us if he had a bad day at work; if I didn’t listen to him, he told me that I would better off dead and he regretted having me as his daughter. Towards my mom, he never complimented her, only complained about how she could do things better. When my mom raised a concern, my dad would be defensive and yell and blame her. My mom would also blame a lot on my dad of things he did wrong. They didn’t focus on the positive aspects of each other and I never heard them thank and appreciate each other.

The love he showed towards us while I was growing up was providing financial and material necessities, but never emotional support. I was confused as a child because I thought this was normal for fathers. Fathers provide for the family but they are reserved and don’t like to talk, especially about love. I remember feeling very weird when my schools did events such as “Father Daughter Dance” or I saw happy smiling fathers with their children. In my mind, I never thought that combination could be possible.

When I went to college, I started to think it was a cultural difference between Asian and American dads since some of my Asian friends said their dads were similar. However, I also met a few who had loving fathers. I spoke to my cousins about this difference as well and they sympathized with me and told me about their relationship with their parents. It turns out that my aunties and uncles were never emotionally cared for by my grandfathers either, so they just continued practicing the parenthood style that they saw as children.

A recent trauma that happened in the past 3 years is that my father physically abused my mom. The next day she tried to commit suicide. Those days were super stressful for me because I always looked up to my mom but suddenly she became helpless. In my mind, I thought “I will never have a relationship like my parents.” but there is also the deep fear that it might happen. I try to remind myself that I am not my parents whenever this fear comes up but, it always pops up unconsciously.

Additionally, when I would talk about love or dating with my mom, she would mostly give me advice instead telling me about her dating experiences and how she felt. She would list non-negotiables like “Make sure he pays for your meal. Make sure he has a stable job. Make sure you get along with him. Make sure he cares for you.” So whenever I go on a date, I go down a similar checklist in my mind instead of letting my heart lead the way. I tell myself that I need to be realistic and shouldn’t aim too high for a perfect match because it doesn’t exist. I know I need to rewire my brain to learn more healthy habits.

There’s a quote that I’ve read from a romance story that I quite like. One of the characters says: “The one standing in infinite glory is you; the one fallen from grace is also you. What matters is ‘you’ and not the state of you.”

I thought, “Wow! If I can meet someone like that, I would feel safe and at peace.” But looking from it from another perspective, I can also think, “What if I focused on offering this to myself instead of waiting someone to give me that feeling? What if I gave that feeling to my partner? Wouldn’t that person feel loved and return those feelings to me as well?” Sometimes I feel ashamed of myself because of the “fallen from grace” times in my life, but this quote remind me that it’s only a “state” I went through and doesn’t define me as a person. Rather, it’s an experience that made me a stronger and more empathetic person I am today.

[Author]

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