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Hi Minh,
I agree with Shanna, when men start to feel vulnerable, they pull back a little, especially when it is at the beginning of a relationship. They don’t know what you’re thinking about them and don’t know what to think about themselves. They start to feel a little insecure so they pull back. It gives them time to process through what just happened and what they shared and their feelings about it all. Perhaps if you know that it is typically 5-10 days before he contacts you after one of these intimate times, instead of just waiting for him try reaching out first. Don’t do it immediately but maybe after 3-4 days send a quick text or make a quick phone call to say hi and see how he’s doing and let him know what a good time you had when you last saw him.
Good luck, LauraHi Tahnia,
Welcome! I’m so glad you’re finding the material helpful. You’re positivity is sure to be contagious and attractive to the people around you!
LauraHi Tahnia,
It very tempting to be bold and go for it with him after being out of the dating scene for a while and thinking he is so hot. Play it cool though. Talk, flirt a little, and use this opportunity to get to know him better. You want to be viewed as fun and full of life but not someone looking to jump into a relationship. See if you’re able to have a conversation with just him. Make eye contact. Use touch to your advantage (lightly touch his arm/leg while talking/laughing, brush a hand across his shoulders or lower back if you pass behind him). Touch releases oxytocin which is the hormone responsible for bonding and attachment. The key is to come off as a good time and show some interest without being all over him. So while you want to have some time talking with him, resist the urge to focus on him too much and instead be sure to mingle with everyone. If the night goes well, invite him over the next time you have friends over. Be sure to be friendly and strike up a short conversation if you run into him in between get-togethers.
Good luck, LauraHi Katie,
The big obstacle here is that the relationship has been accepted for what it was all along. How things are between you have become “normal” for the two of you. Now, you want to change the dynamic for him to be with just you. That takes a major shift. Communication with him will be key to any change. Have you tried letting him know that you feel like the mistress and that you and your child come after his other family? I think that is the best place to start. You’ll need to let him know how you feel about the arrangement and why your feelings about it have changed over time (my guess is because of the baby, right?). You will also need to acknowledge his experience of the situation. It can’t be easy having these two completely separate families and working so much. With working that much there probably isn’t a lot of time or energy for him to invest in either family. Also, him “choosing” you means giving up another very important relationship in his life.Has he ever talked about leaving her? If he has, you may be able to capitalize on that by validating his negative feelings about that relationship and letting him know you support him.
I also recommend the book “Sex 3.0” by JJ Roberts. It talks about the evolution of relationships and how the traditional lifelong monogamous relationship doesn’t always work in today’s world and offers the alternative of what he terms “unfenced” relationships.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Andrea,
In general I’m not a big fan of dating sites though they can work well for people who don’t have the time or the outlets to meet lots of people.Ladies, how about we get some feedback about the pros and cons of various dating sites you’ve used?
Hi Andrea,
My guess would be that he is a bit insecure and feels he has to “convince” women that he is a great catch. “If she thinks other women love me, I’ll look like a hot commodity and she’ll want me too.” To me, it also signals that he may be shallow. The things he boasts about are the things he cares about or the only things he truly thinks he has to offer. The guys who brag about how much money they make and the car they drive are the guys who think their true value is their bank account, not their personality, intelligence, warmth, kindness, etc. Pay attention to his actions rather than his words. That’s what will really tell you what kind of guy he is.What do you other ladies think?
Good luck, Laura
Hi Saina,
This must be incredibly confusing and hurtful for you. My guess would be that he’s freaked out because the intimacy got too real for him. He pulled back out of self-preservation. I agree with the advice you read about not pushing him to make a decision. Pushing for that right now will cause the opposite reaction that you want. He’ll retreat further and perhaps even “run” again.When he makes comments about not knowing what he wants or needing time, rather than just saying ok and being left wondering, I suggest reflecting back the emotional experience he must be having. This will help him to open up more and help you understand what he’s going through and therefore what you can do to support him. So this may look like you responding with “I know this is a confusing time for you and your worried about making the right choice” or “It’s scary thinking about a future when we don’t know what it holds”. You want to be non-judgmental and open-ended with your comments to help him to feel more comfortable talking. Saying “ok”, while it shows an acceptance on your part, doesn’t get him talking more about what’s going on inside him. You could also ask clarifying questions such as “when we got back together, what did you think you wanted at that point?” or “what makes you feel unsure or like you need time?” The other thing to do once you have him talking is to assure you aren’t in any rush either, that you aren’t looking for any immediate decisions. Let him know you are happy to just be in this moment with him and that you aren’t focused on any major decisions right now. If you do feel focused on getting married, having kids, etc, slow yourself down and appreciate where the relationship is now (not necessarily with the struggles your having but the idea of just enjoying the time you have with him). You will have to slow down to his pace.
Stress and anxiety can do a number on a person’s libido so I recommend finding ways to just have fun and relax together. Do something that will make you both laugh (date night at a comedy club?) or get some exercise (start a nightly walk together after work?). You need to release oxytocin and endorphins. Another way to get oxytocin (the hormone responsible for bonding and attachment) to kick in is with physical touch. Skin-to-skin contact is best but any touch will work. Because he is not initiating right now, you can initiate for a while. It doesn’t have to be anything obvious or too touchy-feely. Simply holding his hand, standing behind him and giving him a little back rub while he’s doing some work on the computer, brushing your hand on the small of his back when you pass by him, etc can be enough to spark up the oxytocin. My other little oxytocin tip is to give a good kiss hello or good-bye. John Gottman, relationship expert and research, has found that a 6 second kiss is what it takes to get the juices flowing. It’s not too long for it to seem overly sexual or where it would make others around you uncomfortable but it’s long enough to signal the brain that something wonderful is happening. So, instead of the quick peck, extend it to that 6 second kiss. Throw in a hug too, just for good measure.
Because he’s just confused and stressed right now, he needs your support, understanding, and patience. Slow down where you think things “should” be so that you are at the same pace. Work on increasing your validating, non-judgmental communication and increase the amount of physical touch.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Jacqueline,
This is a tricky situation. You can feel him pulling away both emotionally and physically and I’m guessing that you think he break up with you tomorrow. And that is a possibility, I suppose. Surely, he notices that things aren’t the same and may have made the choice to pull back. My suggestion would be to preemptively address how things are with him. Acknowledge your blow up and apologize. Validate how it must have made him feel. Then I would lead it into the observation that you can feel a shift in him and how you’ve been thinking that things maybe moved too quickly for him considering he just ended a long marriage. Let him know that you miss the closeness that you had just a few months ago. Leave it open-ended for him to respond with whatever comes up for him. See how he responds and hear him out. Validate any feelings he brings up.You may find the information in the “Relationship Rewrite Method” helpful in this situation. You’ve done well triggering his hero instinct and with this talk you now have a chance to transform this relationship into something that can once again bring him pleasure and happiness. Stay positive (I know it will be hard), open, and accepting during the talk.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Mary,
Yes, that was a complete 180′ that he did on you and it had to have been confusing and startling when he turned the way he did. You would know better than me what his true personality is though. The sense I get is that he is hurt and possibly trying to “punish” you by being rude and showing off what a great life he has. The fact that he continues to uphold this attitude after all this time is concerning and you may want to note it as a red flag if you ever do get back together.I can tell that the way things are between the two of you bothers you a lot (and it’s been going on for a while!) so if you think you’ll feel better by expressing yourself and trying to clear the air then do it. It’s certainly not going to hurt anything to attempt to talk to him about it. Regardless of what happens with this other guy or how things go with your ex, you may feel better knowing you did what you could to make things right with your ex and you can have a clear conscience about how things ended up. It sounds like at this point doing what feels “right” for you is the best choice.
Good luck, LauraHi Mayflower,
I know it probably wasn’t the response you expected but in reality if you contact him several times with no response at all from him, there is only so much you can do. If you don’t get a reply after several tries, continuing to text him isn’t going to help. His lack of response is his response. You certainly don’t need to give up now. I assume at this point you haven’t made anymore attempts and you definitely should try at least a few more times. If he does respond, you now have something to work with. Using variations of the 12 word text after giving him some space can help kick start communication again. Be sure to keep the conversation friendly and casual at first and avoid talking about a relationship just yet. I recommended waiting a bit between texts and not texting too many times for several reasons. First, it shows respect for his desire for space and allows him some time to cool off from whatever made him react in such a way in the first place. It gives him time to miss you, too. It also prevents you from looking needy or desperate. Now, I don’t know exactly what the status of your relationship with him had been (not dating at all vs casually dating vs seriously dating etc) but you may find the guide “Relationship Rewrite” helpful. It helps you understand how to transform what he may have viewed negatively into something more positive and stresses the importance of things like properly worded and placed compliments. If you are able to make contact with him, this is something that could be helpful. The guide “Irresistible Communication” may also be helpful in starting up and keeping a conversation going with him.
Good luck, LauraHi Mary,
I apologize for it taking so long to get a response. I read your original post and responded on that one.
thanks, LauraHi Mary,
First let me apologize that your questions had gotten overlooked! I am so sorry that it was not responded to sooner. I read your follow up question too but will just respond here since the other was a continuation.I wonder if you have had the opportunity to explain all the things going on that precipitated the break up? It sounds like you had some legitimate challenges going on the past few weeks and if you had an opportunity to explain it might help heal his hurt feelings over you not spending enough time with him. It makes sense that there are some insecurities on his part that contributed to him ending things but you may also need to work on your communication skills to help prevent misunderstandings in the future.
Because you work together there is an added layer of complexity. Even though he has been mostly rude and ignoring you, I recommend continuing to be friendly and warm to him. Just because you broke up doesn’t mean there is no possibility of getting back together. If you have a chance to explain what was going on just before the break up, acknowledge how he must have felt, and apologize then that should help ease his rudeness. You just have to stay consistently pleasant with him. I think it’s good that you do try to go back to a “normal”, single dating life just to help you stay busy and to see that other guys have good qualities too. It’s not the end of the world if things don’t work out with this guy. There will be other guys.
I think the real test will be when you are back in the same town again since you mentioned in your other question that you are long distance for now since it’s break. Make a point to explain, acknowledge, and apologize and then just be friendly and nice with him. See if the two of you can get back to being able to have friendly conversations, joke, maybe even flirt. Just take it day by day.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Anuradha,
Let me start with something you mentioned at the very end of your post first. If you are thinking about hurting yourself or killing yourself, please seek help from a qualified counselor in your area immediately. I don’t know where you live but in many areas there are suicide hotlines where you can talk to someone about those feelings. Also remember that all feelings are temporary. No matter how bad things feel right now, this feeling will not and can not last forever. That’s just not how emotions work. That said, giving your life for a man who won’t give you his life is not worth it.It sounds to me like you entered into this relationship with the idea that eventually he may leave his wife for you and as things evolved he has clarified that he has no intention of leaving his wife or making you the number one priority in his life. As painful as this is, it’s important that you believe what he is saying and don’t try to talk yourself into thinking he doesn’t mean it. He’s being honest so you have to work from the standpoint of this is the truth of the situation. To add to the complications, he’s moved to another country and communication has decreased.
So, if this is truly his stance, do you want to spend your life as second best? Do you want to continue to be the other woman? You mentioned that you never wanted to break up his family or start your life with him knowing your relationship destroyed a marriage. I think you need to decide if things stay as they are with him, is this the life you want? Is this the kind of relationship you want? What does your “ideal” relationship look like? How does this relationship compare? I think now is the time to use your intuition to help you decide whether staying in this relationship or ending it is the best choice for you. The guide “Awakening Your Feminine Intuition” can help you learn how to tune into your intuition. Your head and your heart can easily talk you into things that aren’t truly right for you but your intuition will guide you to what is best for you if you listen to it.
Good luck, Laura
