[Laura F]

Hi DF,
Yes! Confidence is key although I know that’s much easier said than done. Some guys may be more superficial and have a problem with it but the right guy will love you and want you as you are.
Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Julie,
I do believe that body language and actions can be good indicators of someone’s true feelings. Words are hard for most men. They don’t get the same emotional education that women get growing up so they often feel more comfortable doing rather than saying. It may also just be his love language. Here is a link to a chart that summarizes the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman: “How To Speak Your Spouse’s Love Language”. It may help you adjust how you interact with him and what to expect from him and therefore ease some of his fears.

Good luck, Laura

• This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Laura F.

[Laura F]

Hi Julie,
I do believe that body language and actions can be good indicators of someone’s true feelings. Words are hard for most men. They don’t get the same emotional education that women get growing up so they often feel more comfortable doing rather than saying. It may also just be his love language. Here is a link to a chart that summarizes the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman: “How To Speak Your Spouse’s Love Language”. It may help you adjust how you interact with him and what to expect from him and therefore ease some of his fears.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi DF,
Congratulations on losing that weight and investing in yourself and your health! I know how much work and commitment it takes to do that. I can see how you may be self-conscious about the loose skin. Does he know that you’ve lost a bunch of weight? You could bring up losing the weight and still feeling a little insecure about your body. No need for a formal “warning” though. If he’s the right guy, he’s not going to care and will just be happy to be with you. Keep up your hard work!
Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Minh,
I’m going to piggy-back off of what Kanya said. She mentioned that often when people are fresh out of a long-term relationship, there is a period of trying on different relationships and people to see what feels good to them. Given that it has been 6 months since the divorce became finalized and it sounds like you are just starting to get back in the dating game, I sense this is where you are. It’s ok to not know what you want or what you’re looking for. I think this may be a time to just play the field and date a variety of men without making a commitment to any of them. You will learn a lot about yourself and how you are and what you want in relationships through dating a variety of people. The key is to be clear with people that you aren’t looking for a commitment right now and just have fun. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Pamela,
You can find “What Men Secretly Want” under the “Your Products” tab. It’s worth the read even if things don’t work out with your husband or this guy you reconnected with. Respect is vital to all relationships. However, I will say that the Respect Principle is one of the things that I get the most positive feedback from women about and they tell me how it really shifted the dynamics in the relationship quickly.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Denise,
It does sound like things started off well and the night of the ER was a changing point. While he may say he’s not letting PTSD rule his life, sometimes having PTSD means you aren’t as able to handle stress well. Things feel more overwhelming. The two of you are still in a getting to know each other phase. While you know that he is pushing others away too, you don’t know if this is his pattern or if this is an aberration for him. This may just be how he responds to stress. If it is, how would you feel about having to deal with him pushing you away each time things get hard for him? For many that gets too frustrating and triggers their own insecurities and therefore causes additional problems in the relationship.

I’m glad that you did reach out to see if he still wanted to go with you. I would reach out one more time maybe tonight just asking him to let you know by a certain time if you want to go so you can plan accordingly for Saturday and the two of you can plan something else if he can’t make it after all.

You don’t have a lot of time or energy invested in this guy at this point so while it may be disappointing that this has happened it’s good timing. You can still get out before you’re more emotionally invested. That choice is up to you though.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Julie,
I’m sorry that the book you purchased didn’t give you any new information. I understand not wanting to waste money on something that may or may not work and, as you can imagine, it’s difficult if not impossible to give advice that will fit everyone in every situation. So, unfortunately, sometimes things will work and sometimes they won’t. The 12 word text is basically a way of asking for his help or advice to help trigger what this site calls his “hero instinct”. I generally recommend using it when you are having difficulty getting a guy to engage- he seems wishy-washy, doesn’t always respond to texts, or takes forever for him to respond.

With this guy, you’ve got communication going (at least now). Your text attempting to get some closure got his attention and sparked action in him because he didn’t want to risk losing you again.

The two of you are in a difficult position because you legally can’t move and he is afraid to move because he doesn’t want it to end with him getting hurt. Because you only reconnected a short time ago and over the last two years as a whole communication and the relationship has been inconsistent, I would recommend just staying in this spot of getting to know each other more, trying to have a few more visits, and see how feelings develop and if that helps him to feel more secure in a decision to move. Keep communication consistent. See how it goes being long distance. He needs to trust the situation and doesn’t yet. No words can truly convince him to feel safe. He has to experience it through your actions and through seeing how the relationship blossoms.

My recommendation would be to focus on enjoying this time with him as it is. Don’t try to make it more than what it is right now. Stay in the moment with him and have the goal of making each interaction the best and most enjoyable it can be. Give him some time and don’t pressure him. Just have fun together- whether it’s by phone or facetime or in person.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Shawna,
I know it can be frustrating when a guy ends up not being what he said he was. It may help to remember that he probably really thought he was grounded and conscious but in the end didn’t really know what that meant. It’s also possible that as the two of you became closer, he got scared and pulled back. Kanya has a book that often recommends called “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment,” by Amir Levine that may help you understand the dynamics behind why he started pulling back and how to use attachment style to improve your relationship.

You could still try the 12 word text. He may not answer immediately but the wording is such that guys usually respond a little quicker. But if you have to wait a day for a response, it’s not the end of the world. You can still follow the rest of the formula even if he has a delayed response.

The big question though is if he is closed, locked, and guarded, how much energy are you willing to put into the relationship? If there are some attachment issues, there will not be a quick a fix. Instead it will be something to slowly work at over time.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Toni,
On this site you’ll find the guide “Develop Alluring Confidence With Men.” If you can have confidence with men, you can have it anywhere.

You can also look into Matthew McKay who has written a lot books on self-esteem including “Self-Esteem,” “The Self-Esteem Guided Journal,” and “The Self-Esteem Companion.” His books have a lot of exercises to help you identify the root of self-esteem issues and build greater confidence. I don’t know if he has any free materials but you can get used books from Amazon for a good price. You may also be able to find them through a local library. Some libraries are partnered up with apps so that you can borrow ebooks.

Here’s website that offers a free ebook and worksheets to get you started:
http://www.self-esteem-experts.com/self-esteem-worksheets.html

It’s great that you are so committed to working on yourself and becoming the best you can be.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Marilyn,
There is no definitive “right” time to start dating after your spouse dies. You have to follow what feels right for you. Sure, family and friends will have their opinions but you just need to stay true to yourself. Follow your heart.

I would be interested in hearing from others who may have had a similar experience and I think it may be helpful for you too. So, ladies, if any of you have had to figure out when to date after the death a partner, we’d love to hear from you.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Pamela,
It can be difficult when you’re not getting the attention and affection you need from your partner and confusing when you then get that need met through someone else. I would caution you that this friendship with your high school boyfriend could be a slippery slope. If you want to revive your marriage, you may need to distance yourself from this friend for a while.

Sometimes men just don’t know what to do so they don’t do anything. Sometimes even when you think you are being specific about what you need or want, they aren’t sure how to give you that. It sounds like you two have talked about the lack of connection before so it may be time to see if he is willing to go to couples counseling with you. This can give the two of you a structured way to work through the problems with someone who is neutral.

I’m also going to recommend a few books for you: The Future of Love by Daphne Rose Kingma and Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. Both talk about intimacy in relationships and may give you a better understand of what is going on with each other. It would be even better if you could read the books together so that you can discuss what you’re reading in real time.

Another option is for your husband to check out men’s relationship coach Michelle Terrell. She works with men specifically on intimacy and connection and has an online “school” so he could do her coursework on his own if he doesn’t want to actually meet with someone.

For you, I suggest reading the guide “What Men Secretly Want.” This is the guide that discusses the Respect Principle. The two things that men want most from women are respect and acceptance. This guide talks about why respect is so important, how men best receive it, and how to show respect through your everyday interactions. Implementing the Respect Principle generally helps change the dynamics of the relationship. It is powerful enough that he will feel the difference pretty quickly but subtle enough that he won’t be able to quite put his finger on what that difference is.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Purnima,
Well, I’m sorry that the shy guy ended up not being not being a nice guy. But at least you found out sooner rather than later. So, with this new guy it’s sounds like things are pretty early and you’re still in the flirting and getting to know each other phase. There haven’t been any dates right? It was a good idea to try to invite him to a group event you’re planning even though he didn’t seem interested because of what type of event. It’s also good to recognize that you don’t have to have all the same interests and in fact that would get pretty boring if neither of you had your own interests and lives.

Continue with what you’ve been doing because overall it seems to be working. Check out the Art of Flirting under the “Irresistible Insights” tab. You may want to moderate how much texting or initiating your are doing so that it’s not more than 2-3x/week max. Initiating too much will prevent him from having an opportunity to step up and reach out to you first.

If you can somehow get some alone time with him, you’ll get a better feel for whether he really likes you or whether he is just being his usual friendly self. If you have a chance to invite him to something non-threatening and not too date-like it might be good. Or even if you can just talk to him alone separate from the rest of the group at a group event you may get more of a sense of his feelings for you.

Take things slow and see how it plays out.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi January,
That’s great that he was the one to break the ice and contact you first and that you can feel him softening. How long has it been that the two of you have been back in communication? A few weeks? I would wait a few more weeks so you’ve got at least a month of casual communication under your belt. Keep the thankful messages limited to when you have asked him for help or advice. Part of why he might not be responding is because he doesn’t know what to say. If you make the thankful messages related to things he’s done for you, you might get more of a response.

If after another couple of weeks he hasn’t suggested meeting up, then you could suggest something very casual. Ask to meet for coffee, brunch, lunch…something like that. Something where it would be less “date-like” and time-limited. Make sure you are the one to end get together by having somewhere else to go or something else to do. Don’t bring up actually dating yet. Just see how it goes hanging out. One step at a time.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi January,
That’s great that he was the one to break the ice and contact you first and that you can feel him softening. How long has it been that the two of you have been back in communication? A few weeks? I would wait a few more weeks so you’ve got at least a month of casual communication under your belt. Keep the thankful messages limited to when you have asked him for help or advice. Part of why he might not be responding is because he doesn’t know what to say. If you make the thankful messages related to things he’s done for you, you might get more of a response.

If after another couple of weeks he hasn’t suggested meeting up, then you could suggest something very casual. Ask to meet for coffee, brunch, lunch…something like that. Something where it would be less “date-like” and time-limited. Make sure you are the one to end get together by having somewhere else to go or something else to do. Don’t bring up actually dating yet. Just see how it goes hanging out. One step at a time.

Good luck, Laura

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