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Hi Susan,
This sounds like the perfect opportunity for using compliments with him. Women are always complaining that men don’t give compliments but really, how often do women give men compliments? Not very often, especially not about something deeper than appearance. Men crave compliments though. They want to know that they’re special, that we notice all that they do, and that we respect them for that. The guide “Secret Obsession Compliments” is great for breaking down how to give truly good, sincere compliments. You want them to specific, intentional, and genuine. You also want a compliment to reflect his experience of life/the situation. Flinging compliments around will look fake or superficial. We also want to avoid putting them on a pedestal or making it seem like they are too good for us or like we’re not good enough for them. So it can be a fine line. Let’s say, you’re guy is talking about the stress of the job one day. Tune in to what his strengths were that day and reflect it back through a compliment such as “Those guys are lucky you’re as patient as you are. So many other managers (or whatever his title is) would have…and instead you were able to… I don’t know how you do that.” I think “Secret Obsession Compliments” will help you figure out wording and fine tune your approach to this.
Good luck, LauraHere is the video clip for the TEDX talk I mentioned above: Marcus Owen
Hi Maria,
It sounds like something must have come up and he feels he can’t dedicate the time he would like to you. Men tend to have a single focus. They tackle one challenge at a time and many men feel like they can’t give their all to more than one thing. So, if a challenge came up at work, let’s say, then he may feel he has to put what’s going on with to the side to deal with work and then will come back to you when that task is done. Being patient and supportive are what he needs from you if this is the case.When he says he doesn’t want text messages I wonder if he means he would rather explain over the phone or in person? Some people would just rather talk about more complicated matters (either in person or on the phone) instead of texting. Which makes sense. So much can be lost in conversation via text. You can’t tell tone of voice, emotion, and the nuances of speech when it’s through a text. If it really is something that has come up in another area of life then let him know you’re there to talk to when he’s ready and encourage him to take the time he needs to take care of whatever it is.
Stay friendly and warm when you see or talk to him. If he truly desires you, he’ll circle back to you when the rest of his life slows down and gets back to normal.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Tahn,
Things are moving along pretty well it seems. You’ve gone from “I have no idea if he’s interested” to being able to “feel the sexual tension” and him constantly touching you and finding ways to run into you. I think you need to keep doing what you’re doing because it seems to be working. Trust your intuition with him because he seems to be really responding to you. Just try not to overthink things. That’s when we women tend to mess things up for ourselves. Men tend to be simpler than we make them out to be.
Is his trip back to the US in July a visit or does he plan to move back? You have 6 months to figure it out but if things continue to progress you could mention wanting to visit him and have him show you the sights and where he’s from. You can’t really do much but support him in wanting to spend time his aging parents. However, as the two of you grow closer over time, you can talk about ways to stay connected and trips to visit each other. Him moving (or thinking about moving) doesn’t have to signal the end of things.
Keep up the good work!
LauraHi Minh,
It sounds like you realize your own insecurities which is the first step to managing them. When you get those urges to do things like ask him for a selfie, ask yourself what purpose it serves for you. How would having that selfie add to the relationship? If you can’t answer that then resist the urge until you can identify how doing it would forward the relationship. If you don’t come up with an answer then maybe you just don’t do it.Him not responding after the selfie text doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. You are aware he has a pattern of needing a few days to respond and that he is in the middle of something big at work. Give him some time. Giving up and just moving on doesn’t solve the problem of your insecurity. That will just follow you into your next relationship if you don’t take the time to do the personal growth work necessary to feel more confident and secure. Listen to your intuition though. If moving on feels right then move on. But, don’t feel like you have to just because he hasn’t responded in the last day or two. It sounded like he is interested in you. Give him another couple of days and reach out. See how it goes. You haven’t done anything irreparable. Keep at it.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Kendra,
Ok, that extra information is helpful. Given the fact that he’s already been divorced twice (as well as you) and his typical pattern is to go very slowly, it sounds like things are moving along on his timeline. He sounds hesitant to “fail” in another relationship and breaking up with a girlfriend is seen less as a failure by societal standards than ending a marriage. Staying in this limbo mode probably feels safer for him.I do think going and picking you up and spending time with you is probably how he shows he cares. If he didn’t care, he would have given up on that by now. As for if that’s enough, well, only you can determine that. I get that pressing him to share his feelings then feels insincere and so you may need to figure out if there is a way to compromise on these love languages. Sharing the link above with him and talking about in a matter of fact way, (ie “Hey, I ran into this the other day and thought it was interesting so I wanted to share it with you.”) can help open the conversation in a non-threatening way. Praising when he does verbally show affection or talk about his feelings to help encourage him to do so more often. Also, being non-judgmental and not interrupting when he talks about feelings in general (even when it has nothing to do with you)can help him to feel more comfortable talking.
Is he waiting for you to be finished with school before trying to take things to another level? Is he waiting for your child to finish high school and go to college or move out? Maybe he doesn’t want to raise/parent another child?
The other thing to remember is to not let yourself be pressured by what other people think. If you are overall happy with him and aren’t in any rush to get married (I don’t know where you stand on this), then don’t worry about what others say. Society likes to make us feel that a relationship is only legitimate if it’s moving towards marriage. Marriage is the goal when really just being happy together should be the goal. Look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell who have made a long term committed relationship work without marriage because they both choose to be together and being together is more important than having a legal document stating you’re committed to each other.
Enjoy your time with him as it is now. When school is over and maybe you have more opportunity to spend time together, then enjoy that stage. It’s kind of like when people tell you to enjoy each stage of parenting. Each stage has it’s own joys and challenges.
Have you read our report “Dating Over 50”? If not you may find some valuable insights in there. You’re right though…there isn’t a lot out there that is specific to the 50+ crowd. Even on this site, where we get a fair amount of women of that age range, we don’t much else that is specific. A lot of information though crosses generations. All men want to be respected. All men want to feel special and want to make a woman feel good.
Try to not compare your situation to how others think your relationship should be progressing. If you enjoy your time together, feel close, have a good relationship overall, that’s more important than whether or not he proposes. Keep up the personal growth!
Good luck, Laura
Hi Tahn,
If you know you have a tendency to give too much and then feel resentful when you don’t get as much in return, you may want to be sure to set boundaries (with him and others that you tend to over-give to). It’s good that he’s been so nice to your son and gets to see a glimpse of your nurturing, mothering side. At some point you can also work into the conversation how you’d like to have more children so that he knows it’s something you’re open to. I also think you’re idea to pull back a little after organizing that meeting is a good idea. Stepping back gives him the opportunity to step up. If you’re always “pursuing” then there’s no need for him to. You do definitely deserve someone as passionate and caring as you are and who gets what a catch you are. If it’s not him, it’ll be someone else. Whoever it is, you’ll still be fabulous.
Good luck, LauraHi Roberta,
I don’t think all hope is lost because there was one slip back into old pattern or you succumbed to his irritability. We all have bad days. You can go back to working things like you were and get things back on track…if that’s what you want. Sometimes, however, we do have to acknowledge we’ve done all we can do. Sometimes despite our best efforts, the other person isn’t willing or able to change in ways that meet your needs. Use your intuition to tell you whether it’s worth your time and energy or if walking away is best for you at this time. Only you will know what choice is truly “right”.
Good luck, LauraHi Lily,
It sounds like you’ve done a huge amount of work and self-exploration! I like that you have the courage to follow the Rewrite Method and the “guilt” that you’re confessing seems appropriate. The one suggestion I have is instead of saying “I’m sorry, that was a stupid threat” I would change it to how you’re behavior must have made him feel. Truly acknowledge his experience of it. So, perhaps something like “I’m sorry that must have been really hurtful and confusing for you and you didn’t deserve that.” And, yes, just move the conversation on rather than waiting or expecting a response from him.
Keep up the good work!
LauraHi Kendra,
I can’t help but wonder if the lack of affection is a difference in love languages? He, like many guys, may not be as comfortable with verbal or physical affection and shows he cares more through spending time together or doing things for you. In case you haven’t read anything on the 5 Love Languages, I’m going to include a link for you that summarizes them: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication-and-conflict/learn-to-speak-your-spouses-love-language/understanding-the-five-love-languagesUnderstanding each other’s love languages can be helpful because it gives you more insight into why he does (or doesn’t do) what he does and a way to communicate what you need from him and what he needs from you. If there is a difference in your love languages, you can talk about it (you can also share the above article with him) and give examples of things that each has done that’s made you feel loved/cared for and examples of what else could be done. Then both of you make more of an effort to show affection in the ways the other needs.
The other thing is that most men aren’t taught how to express their emotions or talk about feelings. We have emotionally crippled men by not teaching our boys about emotions and allowing boys to feel and express the full range of emotions like we do with girls. Then they grow up to be the men that may love us very much but literally don’t know the words to use to describe how they feel. You can read more about this in the book “Raising Cain” by Kindlon and Thompson. So, it’s a long slow process for him to start to put words to what he feels and to say those words.
Because it’s been a long distance relationship, he may also not want to get too serious. What are your plans for the future? It sounds like you’re in school, so how much longer will you be in school? Do the two of you talk about what will happen when you’re out of school?
I think one thing you can do is to reinforce any attempts he does make at affection. Let him know how it made you feel special or cared about when he did it. You can also encourage more of the same by commenting how you would “love” it if he…
You may also want to check out the “Secret Obsession Compliments” guide to give you some extra ideas of how to boost him up which will lead to him seeing you as even more special than you already are.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Tahn,
Great job stepping out of your comfort zone and asking him to go to the market with you! I’m finding it odd that he is fixated on this future dream woman as being young, especially when he is in his late 30s (I’m assuming when he says young that he means 10+ years younger than him). Sometimes people have a “checklist” of what they want their partner to be like but their list in reality isn’t compatible with what they really need. People confuse their needs and wants. It sounds like the day together went well overall and I don’t necessarily think that because his dream woman is young precludes you from having a chance with him. The type of life he is dreaming of is something that someone young might just take advantage of, especially if he leads with that dream of traveling the world with his dream woman. What he really needs is someone who has had some life experience and isn’t going to be with him just for world travel. While I think it may have been a misstep to suggest helping him find that woman, you absolutely have the right idea to encourage his dream. Do you talk about your dreams, travels, and life as well? I assume being in the RAAF, that you’ve traveled some and would be adventurous enough to do more travel. You have the ability to connect with him on an emotional and intellectual level. That’s not something you can find with just anyone. Unless he is talking about something like having children and you don’t want kids (or want more kids, I don’t know your situation), something that’s a deal breaker, then pretty much everything else is negotiable if he can think outside of his “dream”. I would encourage you to continue to get to know him. Perhaps with curiosity ask what is important to him about this dream woman being young if it comes up again. Talk about your own dreams and travels. How are you doing with flirting and touch? How does he respond to it? Can you step it up? Let touch linger a little longer, hold his gaze a moment longer, stand/sit just inside his bubble space. Continue to be your usual friendly, open self and go with the flow. Even if he doesn’t end up becoming a romantic partner, he can at least become an new friend.
Good luck, LauraHi Tahn,
That’s an interesting dream, huh! I would take that as a good sign you’re floating through his subconscious. It sounds like things are moving along well so don’t over think thing or get overeager for things to move along quickly. He’s already showing some interest and makes the effort to approach you for conversation when you run into each other. I think what you need now is to get together again. How comfortable do you feel with asking him out? Or hinting about how you’re craving a certain food/restaurant? That may be enough for him to step up and make the first move since things are going so well. You could also kick the flirtation up a notch when you see him and especially if you hang out privately.
Keep up the good work!
LauraHi Yasmin
I’m so glad you’re seeing how well the tips work! If you don’t hear back about your ticket via email try calling 1-800-755-4364. Or if you need, send another email and include your original email so that it is clear when you first sent it.
Good luck, LauraHi Jennifer,
Try to think of the tips provided here less as strategies and more like helpful hints. If he is feeling that you always have “strategy” with him, he is going to feel manipulated. I think this can happen when you overuse the tips or if you don’t use them in a genuine way. For example, if you overuse the 12 word text, it’s not going to work anymore because he’s going to see it and think “oh great, what does she want now?” Or if you overuse compliments by using them on every little thing he does or for things that you really don’t like, then he’s going to see through it. If he has said that you always use a strategy with him it means he feels what you’re saying or doing isn’t genuine. I would recommend taking a step back to analyze what you’ve been doing that he might view it that way. Relationships are there for us to learn from and that’s just what you’re doing now. I’m glad you’ve found value with the information from here! Let me/us know if you have a specific question.
Good luck, LauraHi Tahn,
Just because he had a checklist of what he thinks he wants doesn’t mean that’s what’s best for him and, given how the two of you clearly connected, I’m not sure that you don’t actually tick any of the boxes. I think the two of you need to spend some more time together. Think about the things you talked about on Sunday. What can you pull from that as something to do together? A restaurant you could introduce him to? A local adventure or some sightseeing you could do together since he wants to see the world? Maybe just inviting him over to your place to showcase your nurturing, laid back side? Use your boldness to create the next opportunity with him. Try to steer away from the doom and gloom of past loves and failed Tinder dates in your conversations (you don’t want to become his shoulder to cry on). Keep things focused on his (and your) present life or dreams for the future. Keep up the flirting and use touch like I recommended above. And, don’t over think things (I know, easier said than done). You seem like someone who is full of life and if you let that part of you shine, it will draw him in.
Good luck, Laura
