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Hi Susan,
That’s ok. Waiting a week or a month will only solidify what the two you have and won’t make a huge difference in the outcome (i.e. ability to get pregnant or be able to adopt). Enjoy the time you have together because if you do launch into this parenting journey it will be a long time before it’s just the two of you again. And, perhaps this chickening out was really your intuition’s way of telling you now isn’t the time? Lay the groundwork. Talk about boundaries and expectations. Maybe even broach the subject from a hypothetical/theoretical before making this proposal. The right time will come eventually.
Good luck, LauraLily,
That was beautifully worded and inspiring. I can tell how much thought and love went into writing that story. Off the top of my head I can’t think of any suggestions. I can’t wait to hear how thing go! Best of luck with your conference and with him!
Good luck, LauraHi January,
We all live and learn. And if you never made a mistake or ran up against a challenge you would never learn or grow. It is what it is so don’t beat yourself over it.Usually asking for help is a good way to break the ice and entice him into responding. From what you wrote, you had asked for help in the past but I think after such a time gap, that won’t matter. You’ve had trouble getting him to respond with your last few attempts so asking for help may be just enough to nudge him to answer, especially because if it’s asking for information that you can’t just get from anyone.
What’s more important than following the “rules” is to follow your gut instinct (the guide “Awakening Your Feminine Intuition” is a great read on this subject). Nothing is one-size fits all. When you think about it, which option “feels” better to you? That’s the one you go with. Trust your intuition.
Good luck, LauraHi January,
I’m glad to see that despite how challenging this has been for you, you’ve been able to look within and see where you can honestly improve and that you see those improvements will benefit you whether you’re with him or someone else.I think waiting those 30 days and then using the 12 word text is perfect. I wonder however if there is a way for him to help you with his vacant lot issue in some other way before asking him to accompany you to the lots? A smaller step maybe? Ask about the crime stats in those areas or if he knows which are in lower crime areas? Get the conversation started about and tell him you’ll talk relay the info to your aunt and see which ones she’s most interested in. Then you have an opening to either a) update him on what she thinks and thank him for his help or b) ask him to be your body guard.
I also recommend reading the guide “The Relationship Rewrite Method” because there is a section in there about acknowledging your errors in a more effective way than just apologizing or explaining. It also helps when acknowledging your mistake that you acknowledge how what you did must have made him feel. It’s important that he knows you “get” how he felt.
With things having been so new between you, you don’t have a lot of history to balance out your outburst like people who have been in a relationship for months or years would have. I can’t predict whether he will respond or not but if you try at least you’ll know you did all you could and won’t have any regrets. As for how you bounce back from it, I think you’re already on the way. You have recognized where you need to grow and that you’ll make it with or without him.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Jessica,
The life of guy in the car industry is crazy. There’s no guarantee when he’ll be done with work for the night. If he’s with people he can’t stop to call or text home or a girlfriend. Weekend work is probably a given. As GM, he’s responsible for everything going right and keeping sales up. High pressure, long hours, and unpredictable. If you’re considering a relationship with him, you’ll have to be prepared that’s how life may be, even when he’s fully staffed. Keep the rest of your life full and be thankful that you have the time you need to take care of your child and do things you want to do without having to be fully tied down to someone yet. Take it slow and just enjoy each step.Let us know how things go!
LauraHi Jessica,
It sounds like this is a fairly new relationship. He’s has a lot going on with work and trying to parent his son. Working in the car business is tough because the hours can be extremely long and late, they’re busiest on weekends, and don’t get a lot of holidays off. If he’s short staffed that will make it even worse for him for a while until he gets someone hired and trained.The hot and cold could be because he is so busy with work but could also be influenced by men’s natural tendency to get close and then pull back a bit. Closeness and intimacy can sometimes leave a guy feeling too vulnerable and open and thus they back off for a while to process through their own thoughts and feelings.
While I don’t think you need to completely forget about him, I think it may help you to be open to dating other men right now in addition to just being fully active in life like you would if had never met him. Staying busy will help keep you from always thinking about him. When his life settles down to a more typical pace for him (assuming this is not typical for him) then you can see how things go then.
For now, hang back and wait for him to contact you. Stay friendly and upbeat. Let him know how good it is to hear from him. But don’t have expectations that him contacting you means you will be meeting up or that it will lead to the next step. If he asks to see you and set a date then great but let him take the lead here.
If things don’t improve once he’s hired someone at work and enough time has passed that it “should” be settling down in that area of his life, then you can consider whether to have a talk with him about things. For now stay positive and keep yourself busy. When you do get to talk with him, stay in the present and enjoy the brief moments of time and attention from him.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Maryann,
It sounds like a tough position to be in. There’s attraction between the two of you but he isn’t completely over his ex yet. I recommend that you move slowly with this guy. You want to give him some time and space to heal from his divorce and come to the full realization that the marriage is over. While you may imagine the ex is pretty and knows all his sexual fantasies, the reality is that things couldn’t have been that great between them or it wouldn’t have resulted in a divorce. Hopefully part of him accepting the divorce is acknowledging both the good and the bad of the marriage and knowing that it wouldn’t work even if they got back together. You will have to be secure enough in yourself and in whatever relationship forms between you to know that he won’t go back to her. Constantly worrying about it will erode any trust you may have and subsequently the relationship as well. I think it’s healthy that while you know you want to pursue this man you have a boundary in mind that would be a deal breaker. That’s important to know and to stick to.I recommend you read “What Men Secretly Want.” It goes in depth into the Respect Principle. The two things men want most from women are respect and acceptance. The guide talks about why respect is so important, how men best receive it, and how to show respect through your everyday interactions. Start implementing this in all of your contact with him. It will help to set you apart from other women because you will be treating him differently than any other woman has. His ex could be a supermodel but if she treats (or treated) him poorly and you treat him with respect, he will choose you.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Lily,
I’m impressed with the amount of work you have continued to do to be the best you can and put yourself in the right frame of mind for a relationship. It sounds like the pictures of him with this other woman continue to bother you. How would you feel about asking him about her? He’s the only one who would be able to tell you what the relationship is and knowing that information may influence your decision about what to do about him. You could casually ask something like, “I couldn’t help but notice that picture of you with that woman. I hope I’m not crossing boundaries, but who is she? I don’t want to interfere with anything by coming out and visiting you and going sailing if you two are dating.” There’s a chance she’s a good friend but you may want to find out.Otherwise, it sounds like you’re doing a good job of keeping things casual, allowing him to set the tone and pace of the relationship, and following his lead (that texting exchange you described was great). Keep working the steps from the RRM book. And keep us posted on how things are going!
Good luck, Laura
Hi Minh,
Attachment theories are based in the attachment you develop as a child to your primary caregivers (most often parents). Because it is rooted in childhood, it carries across all relationships you have- the relationship you had a child to your parent and subsequently to other family members, your relationships with friends, at work, your own children, etc. It colors how you view the world and relationships in general.If you have find that you doing the calling/texting doesn’t bother you, you feel like he makes an effort to respond, and he treats you well then see where it goes. Eventually these kinds of issues usually even out but be aware that if it’s bothering you know, there is the chance that it may lead to resentment if it doesn’t change.
One thing you could try with him is to “invite” him to contact you more. You might do this by saying something like, “It would be great if you called me after you’re done with work tomorrow night.” If he does happen to initiate (even if it because you prompted him to), be sure to praise by letting him know how seeing his name on your phone or hearing his voice made you smile or how you appreciate him taking the time to reach out because it makes you really feel cared about and special to him.
Good luck, Laura
Hi S.G.,
It sounds like the relationship has been a little confusing. I think you did the right thing by pulling back and giving him the chance to step up again like he did in the beginning of the relationship. I would suggest reading the guide, “His Secret Obsession”. This guide discusses the hero instinct. All men want to feel needed and valued. Triggering his hero instinct will help him feel this way for you. It draws him in. Follow the 12 word text from the beginning of the guide to help draw him in. Be sure to show your appreciation and compliment him. Then sit back and wait for him to contact you. Continue to give him time to initiate contact with you. As much as you want to see him, don’t jump if/when he asks to see you. Like you said, you’re busy too.I do want to offer a word of caution though. He came on so strong in the beginning- talking about marriage and wanting your children to call him stepdad- and now he’s completely backed off and says he’s too busy for a relationship. Take things slow with him and get to know him well before making any major life decisions involving him. You’re kids need and deserve stability and security more than they need a stepdad.
Good luck, Laura
Susan,
I love your humor and your honesty! I wonder if Vinnie (AKA L) would be freaked out and have flashbacks (an exaggeration of course) to the ex if you were to proposition this. It sounded like he was really excited to be a father and wants the opportunity to parent his child but had (is having) such a bad experience with the ex, do you think he’d be up for it again? You, of course, would have a better read on this than me. I wonder if talking more about pregnancy, maybe asking about his experience with fertility treatments (procedures, costs, emotional roller coaster of treatments, etc), research you’ve done or are going to do on donor sperm, and your feelings on having biological children vs fostering/adopting. By talking more about it, he may offer it up his services or at least be encouraging and supportive of you doing what you want.Asking outright for him to attempt to father this would-be child might scare him off. Talk about it with assumption that it won’t be him and with time maybe hint that he has the qualities you’re looking for in a father and partner. You also want to get to know him a bit better before making this lifetime commitment to him. I know you probably feel like the clock is ticking but waiting a few weeks to lay the ground work won’t hurt anything.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Veronica,
It sounds like you’ve been trying hard to pull back and allow him the opportunity to step up and take initiative. He’s done that with texting, though not as often as you’d like. Try to take Kanya’s advice and fill the other areas of your life as well to help prevent you from always thinking about him. It gives you more to talk about with him and more to think about without him. It also gives you a reason to not immediately text him back. He’s not texting daily because he’s not that kind of guy as you know. My guess would be that even in the same city, for him texts would be for practical purposes and not just texting to text. Not everyone shows their feelings in the same way or feels validated/loved by the same things. When he does text or call, let him know that hearing from him brightened your day or made you smile. You can also give him “permission” to do more, for example to call or text you on a certain day, by saying something like “It would be ok with me if you called/texted on Saturday”. This might help encourage him to reach out more.Yes, it’s difficult for a guy to see what you’re NOT doing no matter what the distance between you. Following through with the advice from Kanya about not initiating, staying busy, reading the materials on this site will help you to feel more secure and confident in yourself and the choices you make in regards to him and this situation. The difference is more in how you feel than what he will be able to see. He’ll get the benefit of having this confident, independent woman who could have anyone but who wants him. That’s attractive and will also signal to him that he’ll need to step up his game in order to keep you interested.
At the same time that you’re trying to play it cool, it’s also healthy to have boundaries. When he says he will do something but doesn’t it is ok to speak up in an assertive, non-accusatory way. For example, when he didn’t FaceTime and finally reaches out, you could have said “Hey, I missed you the other night on FaceTime. What happened?” Keep casual about it, just like you might if a friend or sibling forgot to FaceTime. Ask about it quickly then move the conversation on to something else.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Cynthia
Unfortunately he is the only one who would really be able to explain to you why he did what he did. Right now, he’s too angry (for whatever reason) to explain his choice. You may never get an answer that satisfies you so you need to be able to accept what happened regardless of why he did it.I agree with your friends and Kanya that giving him some more time to cool off and start to miss you while you read the materials on this site and work on yourself is best. Giving him time also gives you time so that you can really take in the material, think about what might best apply to you and how you could use it in your situation. Spend some time taking care of yourself so that when you do get in touch with him next it’s out of a genuine desire to bring your best to self out.
Good luck, Laura
Hi Purnima,
Ok, so if texting or lunch is out, you could try asking him for coffee like you suggested then use the phrasing above to “invite” him to ask you in the future. The eye contact could work but you just don’t want it to be too strong or last too long. If you can catch his eye, smile then break eye contact but go back to normal. Play it a little more coy rather than bold. Bold will intimidate a shy guy. You could also try adding some quick touches. Tap him on the shoulder and let your hand linger for literally just a second or pick off some lint from his shirt sleeve. Again nothing too forward or bold.Good luck, Laura
Hi Purnima,
It sounds like things are off to a good start. With him being shy, it’s just going to be harder to read his signals. I think getting him out of the office might help. Is there a way you can invite him to grab lunch with you one day? Something quick, casual, and low pressure. It sounds like you’re pretty friendly and outgoing so you may have to carry the conversation to start but getting him away from work might help loosen him up. He won’t have to worry about what the other people at work say or think if it’s just the two of you. Use that time to get to know more about him and his life away from work.You do have to be careful though to not be too forward. No intense, prolonged eye contact. No asking direct questions about how he feels about you (for example). Instead, you want to give him “permission” to do things. For example, “It would be great if you…(texted me sometime or wanted to eat lunch together again). Do this in small increments. Don’t jump straight to “It would be ok if you asked me out on a date.” He will need to move slow and will need to feel like he can be “successful”. Doing it this way gives him something specific that he can do and that he can be assured he will get a positive response to. It also allows him to take the lead in pursuing you in a way that will feel safe for him.
Good luck, Laura
