[Laura F]

Hi December,
You’re right…we don’t have much about single dads of young kids on here. Men are men though so many of the tips can be applied universally. The challenge you described sounds more like a parenting issue to me rather than a struggle between the two of you (though parenting issues can lead to disagreements). Do you have kids? If not, I recommend asking him if he will take a parenting class with you. Tell him you just don’t always feel confident that you know what to do and want to make the best choices for the kids. Pose it as him helping you by attending with you rather than suggesting that he needs to go because you don’t think he structured enough. If you do have kids, you can still suggest going and pose it as needing a refresher. Some places even offer blended family classes which you might find helpful.

Through the parenting classes, you can then discuss the topics from the class and how the tips from class can be implemented in the house. You can encourage and support each other as you try the techniques learned and have open discussions about what worked or didn’t work and why.

I commend you for taking on this challenge and for caring so much about him and his children. If you stay focused on what’s best for the kids and the family as a whole, he’s sure to see the care behind your request to work on this.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Bekah,
My first instinct is that this guy isn’t in relationship mode. Maybe he has too much going on in the rest of his life or maybe he just doesn’t want a commitment, but it seems that he is not in a place in his life right now to get serious. The other thing to consider is that it’s only been a month. You reconnected which likely felt good to him but with his lifestyle (or perhaps by choice) he can’t sustain the same intensity for long.

It was good thinking to use the tip for triggering his hero instinct and it sounds like it worked well. This is something you can use again but use it sparingly. Maybe mix it up with the texts about piquing his curiosity and just some more typical “how’s your day” kind of texts.

However, because you just went through a spell of no contact, I would hang back and wait for more from him. You gave a good, quick response to his text so see if not saying anything else draws him out more. Give him a few more days to miss you and to notice that you’re not reaching out to him. Then if you don’t hear from him after those couple of days, reach out with a curiosity text. My guess is that he will respond.

Overall, I think you may have to slow down your expectations for how things are “supposed” to progress. Move at his pace and follow his lead. Keep yourself busy with friends, family, and activities on your own so that you don’t have as much time and energy to focus on him. Plus having a rich, interesting life and making your time a commodity will make you more attractive to him.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Kristina,
Sounds like you did all the “right” things and now it’s just a waiting game. It sounds like you did your best to show you’re accepting and non-judgmental of what happened and want to continue to have him in your life. The ball is in his court now. If he thinks you know about his infidelity, he may have some shame and guilt to work through on his own before he’s ready to face you. Since he was trying to make a commitment to change and the two of you had such a connection, he may be taking this harder than he would have in the past. Keep up the positive attitude you’re trying to have if/when he does reach out.

As a side note, if you find that you tend to be attracted to fixer-upper guys, you might want to check out the classic book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie to help you navigate out of that pattern.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Kimberly,
Can you be more specific about what you’re referring to? Maybe my brain is just not working well tonight but I’m not sure what “Secret Signals” you’re thinking of?
Thanks, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Katrina,
You’re on the right track with trying to think about how to get him to feel like he did something good and was helpful/useful to you. The key to using the hero instinct technique described in “His Secret Obsession” is to be sure that you do encompasses these three parts:
-The drive for meaningful achievement
-The drive to be a provider
-The drive to earn respect

If you’re thinking of the hero instinct compliments from “Secret Obsession Compliments” this is what the guide says, which defines the above parts a bit more:
-Encourage him to seek his dreams and pursue meaningful achievements.
-Gladly accept his drive to provide for you by sharing your needs and valuing what he has to offer.
-Demonstrate respect for him because of his ability and willingness to do the two things listed above.

So, I get where you’re going with what you were thinking of texting but it doesn’t quite hit all three parts. It may show respect which is important but doesn’t have anything to do with an achievement or providing for you. I think you picked a tricky thing to try this on and I think coming back at him with a compliment days later may add to any awkwardness that already exists.

Go with something simpler. Has he helped you with technique for your support or assisted you during practice or a game that you would be able to talk about how he is such a patient teacher or how he is so skilled? Do the two of you talk as friends about your divorces (so that you can play up his understanding nature, ability to empathize, or give objective feedback/support)? Think about the type of interactions you have and the conversations you have and how it could be first applied to something less personal and emotional (it had to have been hard on you to have that conversation with him) and a little more natural.

I like how you’re trying to think and be proactive about the situation. Now that you’ve read through the materials and taken in the new information, it may help to re-read it and think of a few alternatives or a few situations you could apply it to.

I would be interested to hear what others have to say about your situation.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Jelica,
I tend to agree with Kristina that, while you may be a bit self-conscious because of the perceived difference, I doubt that’s what it was about. If he felt that he was better than you he wouldn’t have stayed with you this long. And, just because your “just a hairdresser” doesn’t mean you aren’t intelligent and don’t have a high IQ.

My guess would be that this woman he met has different qualities that he found attractive. We all have our own unique strengths and positive attributes. If the two of you just have different characteristics that he finds attractive, he may be feeling confused about what he really wants now. Trying to understand what he finds attractive about her can potentially help you figure out what qualities of yours to play up or to work on improving. My warning though is to avoid changing yourself to be something that you’re not. Stay true to yourself.

I recommend you read the report “Handling the Competition Like a Queen”, “Develop Alluring Confidence with Men”, and “The Trick to Making Differences Work” (all under the “Irresistible Insights” tab). Through these readings, I think you’ll find some practical and insightful tips into how to be the best version of yourself. Like Kristina mentioned, everyone is different so as you read through the material think about how it applies to you, to him, and to your situation and how you may be able to actually apply it to your life. Ultimately, whether you stay with him or not, working on yourself to be the best you can be is always a valuable investment.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Lucinda,
It sounds like over the years the two of you have had your share of ups and downs. It sounds as if you realize that your feelings for him are stronger than his feelings for you. Or, at least he doesn’t necessarily have the same romantic feelings for you. You have done plenty to try to stay connected to him and it’s not always reciprocated. Now, you’ve made a big commitment of both time and money and he’s disrespectfully left you unsure of what is going on with no explanation, no response.

This situation is a little different than “hey I thought we were going to meet for lunch. Call me.” I think it would be appropriate to be more firm with him. Given this latest issue, you might want to consider confronting his lack of response directly if you get the chance. Explain to him how his actions make you feel and what you want/need from him. You’re needs aren’t consistently being met and by addressing the matter you’re giving him the opportunity to change if that’s what he wants to do. And if he chooses not to change, then at least you know you did what you could.

Of course that means you need to get him to respond first. Text or call him and let him know you have some questions for him about the upcoming holiday when he gets a chance. Letting him know that it’s about the holiday puts a little pressure on him and necessitates a response.

I think you may also need to set boundaries with him in general. By your description, he’s been following the same pattern the whole 20 years you’ve know him. That’s not something that will change in just one text or one conversation. Having boundaries in place and enforcing them can help weed out whether or not it’s going to continue to be worth your time and energy to keep him in your life. While you may love him and care about him, he’s not treating you with the same respect you give him. It may be time to love him from a distance rather than up close.

How do you feel about him not responding? How will you feel if he never responds to the your inquiries about the holiday? Would you allow anyone else to treat you this way? If not, why allow him to do so? When it comes to the question of whether to stay friends with him, you need to consider your answers to these questions. Then tune into your intuition and let it guide you to what is best for you.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Kristina,
I don’t your situation is as unusual as you might think. Women stay with men who cheat on them all the time and they do so for a wide variety of reasons: for the kids, for the money, for the sex, fear of the social stigma of divorce, etc. In general, feeling an emotional connection is a good reason to stay with someone. It’s also important to remember that him cheating doesn’t negate the connection the two you have/had.

My guess is that he needs to continue to work on himself to recognize what needs he feels he is meeting by cheating. Cheating breaks the intimacy and the connection. Given his upbringing, it wouldn’t surprise me if there were some attachment issues that are at play now in his adult life. Getting close is scary and though he may want to feel close and to feel loved, it is also a threat to his system and he breaks that attachment through cheating.

You mentioned that there was an incident that solidified for him that you know he cheated. I would suggest sending a text simply stating that you haven’t heard from him in a while and you’re concerned about him and have been thinking a lot about him since the incident. If he doesn’t respond after a few days then send a quick, thinking-of-you text- a picture of the two of you, something that made you think of him like hearing “your song” or an inside joke, etc. He may need some time though to work through his own emotional response to what happened between you and to process through everything.

From there you may be able to start a conversation about how you miss him and want a chance to talk about what happened because you feel X and assume he’s feeling Y. Then you can reiterate how you just want him to be a part of your life in some way. It will be important for you to recognize how he is likely feeling and validate him. This will help him to feel safer to open up with you. Be non-judgmental and validating. It seems like you’ve had good communication with him thus far so you have a good foundation for having this kind of talk.

I think if you want to fully get back together it would be important for him to go to counseling and possibly for the two of you to go to couples counseling as well. The individual counseling for him can help him work through his past and learn healthier ways of being in relationships and the couples counseling would allow the two of you to work through it and grow as a couple. It’s not something that can’t be worked out. I agree with you that it’s not easy to change past habits and if there are attachment problems resulting from his childhood it could be a long road.

I’m sure friends and family would advise you to leave him but you need to tune into your intuition and do what feels right for you. That may mean just staying friends or it may mean giving things another shot with the help of counseling.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Minh,
It sounds like the two of you have had some productive and important conversations. While it wasn’t easy to hear and probably wasn’t easy for him to admit, at least he was honest. You found out he does understand how difficult it has been for you and that he does have feelings for you.

The thing with men is that they tend to be singularly focused while women tend to have a more diffused focus. So what that means is men will put all their attention and energy into one task often to the detriment of other areas of his life (as you can see by how he has let the relationship and even his health slip for this project). Women tend to be better at juggling more balls and dividing their attention and time between various important parts of their lives. He’ll have to get to a point where he is ok with making a relationship a priority. Maybe not more than work but it at least needs to be a close second. Right now there is no second place. There’s only room for one in the race.

It sounds like if you choose to hang in there until the end of the project, you’ll have to accept that he will maintain this level of effort being put into work rather than the relationship. I think it might able be helpful as the project comes to a close to address who he can alter his habit of letting relationships suffer for the sake of his work. He’s said this has happened in past relationships right? Think about how much attention and time you really need from him.

Whether or not to hang in there and wait out these next few months is a decision only you can make. It sounds like it might be worth it, especially because he is seeing the how throwing himself into work and neglecting the relationship means he may risk losing you. Two months will go by quickly though. Use your intuition to guide you to what is best for you.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi KS,
I responded to your other post which had more background information but I’ll leave this one here in case others want to respond.
Laura

[Laura F]

Hi KS,
It sounds like you developed some strong feelings for this guy and unfortunately he viewed things differently. I understand that your belief system prohibits the kind of affection that you showed to him and so you feel like you have gone against your morals and values by doing so. I wonder if he has the same conservative beliefs as you? There are two points that I want to make.

One is that we all make mistakes as we navigate through life and that include mistakes in our romantic lives. It is through those mistakes that we learn more about our selves and our values. We learn what boundaries we want and need in our relationships. We learn about what he want and don’t want in a partner and a relationship. So through this experience you have solidified your beliefs and what feels right to you.

The second point is that we all at one time or another will have stronger feelings for someone else than they do for us. It doesn’t mean our feelings were wrong, just not reciprocated. It happens to all of us. Neither of these are reasons to shame yourself or to think of yourself as not having proper character.

This guy has stated he never thought of you as someone he would marry. To me, that means that while he likes you and enjoys spending time with you he doesn’t have romantic feelings for you. I think given your beliefs it may be difficult to bring those feelings out in him (if they are there at all) without further violating your value system. If you continue to try with him, how will you feel if he still doesn’t reciprocate feelings for you? Will you feel worse about yourself? Will you feel better because you’ll know you’ve done all you can? I believe you have to act with respect towards yourself. Sometimes this means we have to stop doing something because we realize it is not in accord with our beliefs or because we realize that we don’t feel good about the choice we made. If you feel that what you’ve done already violates your beliefs, I can’t imagine continuing, which would require either doing more of what you had done or doing even more than what you did (being more forward or flirting more with him for example), will make you feel better about being alignment with your values. I think it might be best to move on from him but you need to trust your intuition for what is truly best for you.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Felice,
It does sound like you got off to a really good start with him. A guy who isn’t interested isn’t going to sit through an 8 hour date let alone call/text you again. My guess is that he is interested. He’s been honest though that he’s been hurt in the past and is worried about being vulnerable and getting hurt again. Add that to the fact that he works a lot and puts work first which may mean that in general he prioritizes work. Men tend to be more singularly focused than women. When they have something they are striving for, other parts of their life slip. Women are generally able to focus on work and their relationships and feel like they are giving their best effort to both. If he’s focused on his career, he may not be as focused on any relationship.

I think he’s going to be a guy that you have to slow down for. I like how you tried the 12 word text. It is aimed at getting communication going and catch his attention again but definitely isn’t a cure-all. It’s also not something that you want to use all the time because then you just look needy. I recommend mixing it up a bit. Use the 12 word text occasionally but also add in there some friendly, casual texts. Or you can send texts that pique his curiosity (i.e. “Guess what just opened up around the corner from my house?”) and wait for him to respond. Not too often. Maybe once a week. Be playful and keep things light when he does initiate and be sure to mention how seeing his name/number pop up on your phone made you smile. You’ve been out a few times so I think you could also make a suggestion about meeting up. Think this through ahead of time though so that you have an idea of what you want to invite him to- is it a new restaurant with his favorite cuisine? a movie he talked about wanting to see? going to go see some live music? Based on what you know about him, what would entice him to set aside work and make time for fun?

I don’t think it’s time to give up on him yet. Just slow down the expectation of how you think things “should” progress in relationship. He’s busy and afraid of being hurt so he’ll need some extra patience from you.
Good luck, Laura
Good luck.

[Laura F]

Hi Mary Beth,
Yes, it sounds like you spooked him a bit with your question about finding a job near him. Good news is that you realize that and are willing to do something to make up for your mistake (though I think “mistake” is too strong a word). I think right now you may need to follow his in terms of how frequent contact should be. When he does reach out, stay positive and upbeat. Let him know how happy you are to hear from him. If you don’t hear from him within the next 2 weeks, I recommend reaching out to him using the 12 word text to trigger his hero instinct (found in the guide “His Secret Obsession”). This should spark the communication and give you an opportunity to have a friendly conversation with him. If you feel compelled to clear the air about potentially starting to look for a job near him, I suggest using the following “formula”: “When I…you must have felt…because…” So, for you it may go something like “When I talked about looking for a job near you, you must have felt freaked out because that would be a huge step.” Let him respond and validate any feelings or thoughts he has on the subject. Then you can clarify that you don’t want to rush things and in fact you were quite happy with how things were going and realize you just got ahead of your self. Again, pause and give him a chance to respond then validate him. Giving him some space and time to sort through thing and then letting him know you were happy with how things were and don’t need more at this point should help ease his mind. Then you just need to let him set the pace.

Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Natasha,
It can be tough when something like a huge work project monopolizes a partner’s time. I understand that you don’t want to complain because you were in agreement to him taking this on but that doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid and you can’t address them. I suggest simply telling him that you miss being able to spend time with him like you did before. Perhaps the two of you can set a boundary that at least once per week you’ll get together and focus on each other. No phones, no computers, no other people. Work on being present in those moments so that you can relish that time with him. Remind yourself that this is not a permanent situation. There will be an end to it. But, to make it through this time the two of you will have to be very intentional about the time and energy you put into the relationship so it doesn’t wither. For now, just talk with him about how you miss him and would like to find a way to make the best out of the little free time he has.
Good luck, Laura

[Laura F]

Hi Susan,
Yes, it is admirable that he wants to take an active part in his child’s life and fathers do play a very important role in kids’ lives that is often overlooked. Even if he was up for having a child with you, he would still be pursuing visitation with his other child so his attention and energy would still be divided. It sounds like you had great laid back time with him this weekend and hopefully provided him with a much needed break from stressing about his ex and their child and gave him some hope that not all women are like his ex. Keep up the good work with him!
Laura

[Author]

Posts